FunnyColumns

I now pronounce you man and goat

Bill Clinton has earned millions of dollars every year since leaving the White House, but as reported in 2005, he apparently missed out on a chance to get 40 goats and 20 cows.

A Kenyan city councilman says he offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter's hand in marriage five years ago. He's still awaiting an answer.

Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor wrote Clinton asking for Chelsea's hand in 2000 when Clinton visited Kenya, Chepkurgor told the East African Standard newspaper.

Chepkurgor, 36, vowed to remain single until he gets an answer to his proposal to marry Chelsea, 25.

Chepkurgor, a city councilor in Nakuru, told Clinton of plans for a grand wedding presided over by South African Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu. ...

The electrical engineering graduate said he promised to pay 40 goats and 20 cows in dowry for Clinton's only daughter in accordance with African tradition. [Link]

In some cultures, when you gain a wife, you lose some goats. In others, when you lose a wife, you gain a goat.

A farmer who blamed his wife for not providing him with a child has swapped her for a goat with three kids.

Three-times-wed Stoil Panayotov struck a deal with another farmer at a livestock market and handed over his wife in exchange for eight-year-old Elena.

Stoil, 54, said: "A friend told me that he had no luck with women and that he really liked my wife." Amazingly, she went along with the arrangement. Stoil added: "The deal was reached when my wife gave her approval.

"The goat has given birth to three kids and my wife to none. This deal was more profitable to the goat owner - I got a second-hand goat and he got a brand new wife."

The trade was concluded in front of a stunned crowd in the market town of Plovdiv in Bulgaria. Now locals are wondering what will happen next if things don't work out between Stoil and Elena. [Link]

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I can't believe his wife agreed to something so demeaning -- being traded for a goat and three kids. Surely no self-respecting woman would ever agree to be traded for fewer than 40 goats. Chelsea Clinton certainly wouldn't. There's no way she'd consider marrying Godwin Chepkurgor, not unless he doubled his offer.

As for Stoil, I hope he's not thinking of marrying the goat, even if those three kids need a dad. That would rile Fox News host Bill O'Reilly. He believes that gay marriage may eventually lead to goat marriage. If he's so strongly opposed to such marriages, it's surprising that he didn't raise the issue with Maureen E. McPhilmy, the mother of his two children. She is, after all, married to a goat.

Photo by TKnoxB

The Edmonton man who's really into cars

Some men are really obsessed with cars. They buy fancy cars and spend hours washing and waxing them. They enjoy driving their cars -- and enjoy just looking at them too. They get a lot of pleasure out of their cars, almost as much pleasure as they get out of their wives. Some of them don't have wives, of course. They've got only one woman in their lives and her name is Mercedes. Or is it Lexus?

Being in love with cars isn't a bad thing, unless you get carried away, like a man in Edmonton named Sandy Wong. He's crazy about 'em. You won't believe how crazy.

... Wong was observed checking out three BMW vehicles on display at the BMW display at the Home and Garden Show on March 22. Then, he was seen sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan, valued at $50,000.

Shortly after that, Wong had dropped his sweat pants to his ankles and was spotted masturbating while sitting with his legs dangling over the driver’s door window.

Security eventually detained Wong until police showed up and a clean-up crew had to wash down the BMW.

According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is “sexually attracted” to the BMW’s roof top because “it’s curved like a woman’s body, the sex appeal, it felt good.”

Woods said Wong reported he also gets aroused by certain cars, including a 1967 Camaro and a 1955 Chevy Bel Air, and blames the owners for buying the cars because it tempts him to “pleasure” himself. [Link]

Wong obviously has some psychiatric problems, exposing himself in public like that. But you have to wonder how many men share his car fetish, how many of them get turned on by cars. You don't think they buy Car and Driver magazine just to read the articles, do you?

Photo by harlemdakota

Lose your bride, not your pride

I've got a bald spot that seems to expand with each passing day, but thankfully, it wasn't too prominent when I got married. Prabir Das, of Assam, India, isn't so lucky.

A man was beaten by his fiance and in-laws and relieved of his belongings in India after they found out he was bald and wearing a wig, it was alleged yesterday.

Prabir Das, of Dispur in Assam, told police that his fiancé yanked off his hairpiece after dinner last week and began beating and abusing him for hiding his pate.

Her parents then joined in, ripping his expensive wig apart and relieving the 33-year-old of his wallet, mobile phone, motorbike and driving licence as “penalty” for his deception, he alleged. [Link]

Were these in-laws or outlaws? Ripping his wig is one thing, ripping him off is quite another.

Is wearing a hairpiece really deception? What about having breast implants or false teeth? Perhaps it depends on how permanent they are. Das got himself an expensive wig, but forgot to buy some Super Glue.

Mr Das, who works at a private hospital, had advertised for a bride in the matrimonial columns of a local newspaper – a common practice in India – and Dilip Roy, seeking a match for his daughter Shreshta, responded.

The wedding was fixed for Dec 12, and the bride’s family began putting together Shreshta’s trousseau and dowry at great expense.

But to Mr Das’s eventual humiliation an acquaintance spilled the beans to the stunned Mr Roy.

The superintendent Rajen Singh said Mr Roy had been questioned and denied the fracas. [Link] 

Police: "Mr. Roy, did you have fracas with Mr. Das?"

Roy: "Fracas? No fracas. We had chapati and dal."

The wedding, police said, appears to be off. [Link]

I'd say it's off. And that's a good thing too. Better to be abused by the woman you almost married than the one you did.

Photo by Alexanderthegreatest

Bicycle questions we never asked before

A strange crime in Britain has me asking a question I've never pondered before: Is it okay to have sex with a bicycle? It's obviously not normal, but should it also be illegal? Should we really care what a man and his bicycle do to each other in the privacy of their home?

The case of a man convicted of simulating sex with his bicycle has sparked a debate about human rights and the privacy of an individual.

Internet message boards have been buzzing with comment about the case of Robert Stewart, 51, from Ayr.

He was reported by cleaners at a hostel who unlocked his door and found him engaged in a sex act with his bike.

Stewart was put on the Sex Offenders' Register, which some posters said was an over-reaction by the sheriff.

Stewart admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex. As well as being put on register for three years, he was put on probation for the same length of time. [Link]

He was put on the Sex Offenders' Register? That's pretty harsh punishment, especially in a country that, last I checked, wasn't being ruled by an Ayatollah.

Just think what will happen to Stewart when he moves to a new neighborhood. Everyone will be concerned about having a registered sex offender around. "Oh no," they'll say, "we need to protect our bicycles from him. We can't leave them outside anymore." Stewart will have to be careful whenever someone rides past him, otherwise he might get scolded: "Hey, don't look at my bicycle that way!"

This case raises several other important questions:

Is it time to create a support group for bicycles? Or should we just offer them counseling?

Until what age should a bicycle be considered a minor?

Do we need to send petitions to Borders and other bookstores, urging them to move Bicycle Magazine to the same shelf as Playboy?

Should the government create more laws to address this issue, such as a law requiring all bicycles to be fully clothed?

Photo by Seadling

I'VE GOT better things TO do than CRITICIZE THEM

The bracelets handed out to students in Iowa were supposed to carry an anti-drug message, but may have given some students the wrong idea.

A New York state company will stop production of Red Ribbon Week bracelets and discard its remaining inventory of the rubber wrist bands because of an unintended message printed on them.

The bracelets, handed out last week to students in the WACO school district in southeast Iowa, carried the anti-drug slogan "I've Got BETTER Things to DO than DRUGS."

The issue was the unintended message of the all-uppercase words: Better Do Drugs.

Mark Taxel, executive vice president of Hauppauge, N.Y.-based Positive Promotions, said no one noticed how the words looked on the bracelets before they were distributed. Only two complaints were received about the bracelets, he said.

Taxel said the company doesn't want to put out a message that could be misconstrued. He said a new bracelet would be produced in all capital letters. [Link]

Perhaps the company needs to produce several versions of the bracelets:

For the student dealer: "I'VE GOT better things to do than DRUGS."

For his rival dealer: "I'VE GOT BETTER things to do than DRUGS."

For the glue- and aerosol-sniffing student: "I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS to do THAN DRUGS."

For the lonely, depressed student: "I'VE GOT better things TO DO than DRUGS."

For the rich, shopaholic student: "I'VE GOT better THINGS to do than drugs."

For her best friend: "I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS to do than drugs."

For the busy, high-achieving student: "I'VE GOT better THINGS TO DO than drugs."

For the grammar-challenged, forever-dieting student: "I'VE GOT better THINgs to do than drugs."

For the school janitor: "I'VE GOT better things TO DO thAn dRUGs."

The mystery of the missing cats

One of my friends recently complained to me about her neighbor's cat. It jumps over the fence and uses her 4-year-old son's sandbox as a toilet. My friend spoke to her neighbor and he appears to be a very understanding man. He has invited my friend's son to play in the cat's litter box.  Actually, he has offered to replace the sand and try to control his cat -- if it's actually possible to control a cat. People tend to keep dogs on leashes or behind fences, but cats, they go wherever they please, and I do mean 'go.'

A British homeowner grew so tired of his neighbors' cats 'going' in his yard that he apparently catnapped six of them and let them loose 25 miles away, much to the distress of their owners.

Each family received an anonymous letter from the 'person responsible for the disappearance of your cats'.

The printed note, littered with grammatical errors, explained that the cats had been caught and driven at least 25 miles away and let loose.

This malicious act was a form of revenge for the animals apparently vandalising the catnapper's garden - on the very same street.

The pets had pounced on birds, leaving feathers scattered all over the lawn, and destroyed plants and shrubs by using flowerbeds to relieve themselves. [Link]

It's a good thing it was the neighbors' cats doing the damage and not their children. This person seems pretty mean, but at least he -- or is it 'she'? -- didn't ship the cats to China.

Too drunk to know what hit her

Sometimes when you've had too much to drink, you've also had too much too think.

It’s a bad idea to become heavily intoxicated and try to beat an oncoming train across the tracks.

A man and a woman did just that in Delray Beach Tuesday night, police said. Both were hit by a train along the Florida East Coast Railway tracks on Southeast Fourth Street.

But a broken leg didn’t stop the woman from trying to score one last beer, according to a police report.

“What happened?” she asked the paramedics as they placed her on a backboard.

“You were hit by a train,” a paramedic said.

“Oh,” said the woman. “Can I get a beer?” [Link]

That reminds me of the time I witnessed a pedestrian being struck by a car in Ocean City, Maryland. The man's head hit the windshield, leaving a big dent, and he was thrown several yards away. He lay in the middle of the road for a minute or two, then was helped to the side by a couple of people. As he awaited the ambulance that had been summoned, he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and smoked it. What was he thinking? I'd better smoke now. They probably won't let me light up in the hospital.

Monkeying around at Delhi airport

"Be careful when you arrive in New Delhi," the travel agent advised the tourist. "The airport is like a zoo." The tourist was a little disappointed when he entered the airport. He spotted only one monkey.

Wildlife officials were struggling to catch a monkey which sneaked inside the security area of New Delhi's international airport and forced the brief closure of the VIP lounge, a security official said.

The lounge at the airport was partially closed for more than an hour on Sunday after the monkey scampered through the international departures terminal. [Link]

It was later learned that the monkey had been hired by Air India, as part of an ambitious new program to improve service on its flights. "We are sorry our newest employee caused such a commotion," an Air India official said. "We have advised him of the importance of wearing his uniform."

Seventy-eight isn't enough

Remember the show Eight is Enough? Well, for one father in the United Arab Emirates, 78 isn't enough. He hopes to hit 100 by 2015.

Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.

"In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children," the local tabloid quoted Abdul Rahman as saying.

"After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century." [Link]

Poor guy -- he's allowed to have only four wives at a time. Otherwise he could have hit the century mark years ago. He could have married 100 women and gotten them all pregnant around the same time. Half of them on Tuesday, the other half on Wednesday.

Drunk driver kills 300 in Germany!

A car can be a killing machine, especially when a drunk person is behind the wheel. A drunk German teenager  went on a joyride and left 300 victims in his wake.

Three hundred chickens died in panic early on Sunday when a drunken German teenager on a joyride crashed a van into their shed, police said.

"Apparently some of the chickens were so desperate to get away that they ran into the wall and died," the spokesman said. "Others suffered heart attacks." [Link]

The teen left the scene of the crime without trying to resuscitate any of his victims, without giving any of them mouth-to-beak. He was later arrested and charged with first-degree henslaughter.

Couple names their son 'Superman!' 4Real!

Friends of mine who lived in Zambia often joke about the names some people give their children, not the traditional ones -- every culture has names that people of other cultures may find strange -- but the ones derived from English words, such as "Motorcar" and "Paraffin." Mwizenge S. Tembo, a sociology professor at Bridgewater College in Virginia, wrote about this a few years ago:

What if you heard about or actually knew someone whose real first name was Because, Clever, Shame, Financial, or Trouble? You would probably conclude that these are nicknames, imposed somehow on unwilling individuals. Or perhaps the names were chosen by people who did not know English and were therefore ignorant of the words' true meanings. You might even be tempted to think that they were imposed by callous parents who wanted their children to be easy targets for teasing on school playgrounds. All these assumptions would be wrong.
       
Such unusual, strange, or outright funny first names are willingly chosen, cherished, and celebrated among most people of the southern African country of Zambia. Why do Zambians accept these names? This is one of the many consequences of social change both in Zambia and Africa as a whole. [Link]

Finding a good name for a baby isn't always easy, as I wrote in my column Can't Stop Fighting Over Baby Names. Some couples try to be too original, which often backfires (no offense to Backfire Tembo). My parents gave me the middle name Singstone, which, my mother says, was a combination of her elder brother's name Rajasingh and Livingstone (the Scottish missionary). Singstone isn't a name I'm proud of, but I guess I shouldn't complain. They could have called me Livingraja.

Before settling on a name for your baby, you have to remind yourself that he or she is going to be an adult one day and will have to live with that name for a long time. (Yes, even after he's dead, your son's name might appear on a tombstone: "Here lies Clearance Sale Banda.") If you think about that, perhaps you'll resist the temptation to be as "creative" as Pat and Sheena Wheaton of New Zealand, who named their son Superman, but only after their original choice, 4Real, was rejected by the government registry. 4Real!

Mr Wheaton said he came up with the unlikely moniker after seeing the baby for the first time in an ultrasound scan and realising their baby was "for real".

However, the family has refused to let the law or good taste get in the way of their choice, insisting they will continue to refer to their two-month-old son as 4Real.

In the meantime they plan to officially name him Superman.

"No matter what, its going to stay 4Real," Mr Wheaton told the New Zealand Herald newspaper, "I'm certainly not a quitter". [Link]

The linked article includes a list of wacky names celebrities have given their babies, including Jermajesty (Son of Singer Jermaine Jackson), Kal-el Coppola (Son of actor Nicolas Cage), and Pilot Inspektor (Son of actress Beth Riesgraf and actor Jason Lee).

Come to think of it, Singstone isn't too bad.

Would you want the necklace back?

A thief in Kolkata, India, named Sheikh Mohsin snatched a Rs. 45,000 ($1,115) gold necklace from a woman and, as police were about to apprehend him, swallowed it. So what did the cops do?

Officers then fed him 40 bananas over a few hours believing they would act as a purgative, and sat back and waited for results.

Mohsin passed an uncomfortable night in jail, but not the piece of jewelry. [Link]

Not even some golden bananas. The determined police decided to feed him something more substantial: chicken, rice and bread. That did the trick, undoubtedly earning Mohsin a reputation in jail: "The man whose poop is gold."

Was the necklace returned to its owner? Presumably so. I'm sure she was excited to have it back.

Woman: "My necklace!Thank you! How did you get it?"

Cop: "We caught the thief and he ... uh ... passed it back to us."