FunnyColumns

Indians -- The Happiest People in the World

NEW YORK (April 3, 2011) -- An international survey, conducted simultaneously in 140 countries on April 2, has found that Indians are the happiest people in the world -– with no other country even coming close.

Researchers at Brown University in Rhode Island, under the guidance of Professor Michael Tibbs, called 100 people in each country at random to determine their level of happiness.

“We were amazed by the results,” Tibbs said. “We asked people to rate their level of happiness from 1 to 10. Out of 100 Indians, 98 said ‘10’, one said ‘11’ and the other said ‘I’m so happy, I could die.’”

What’s most remarkable, he said, is that Indians ranked 12th in the world in a 2010 survey, with an average level of happiness of 7.43.

“Though we asked several probing questions, we weren’t able to determine how Indians suddenly became the happiest people in the world,” Tibbs said. “The economy hasn’t improved that much in one year and, as far as we can tell, the price of rice hasn’t dropped.”

Tibbs said his researchers gathered a few unusual answers to their questions. Asked about the importance of religion in determining happiness, one man said, “I finally believe in God,” and another said, “Dhoni is our savior!”

Asked if they have close relationships with family and friends, one woman said, “Yes –- and I can’t stop hugging them,” while a man said, “I kissed my friends so much, my wife suspects that I’m gay.”

Tibbs said that Indians have very positive attitudes about life. While people in other parts of the world were likely to describe life as “okay” and “not bad,” Indians were likely to describe it as “too good to be true” and “better than in 1983.”

“Something has changed in India,” Tibbs said, “and as soon as we get some more funding, we’ll conduct another survey to determine exactly what that is.”

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If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge," available in North America through McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here and an excerpt here.

A to Z of the CWG

The Commonwealth Games in Delhi are finally here, and just in case you’ve been hiding under a rock, here’s an A to Z guide to get you up to speed:

A is for Abhinav. India’s first and only individual Olympic gold medalist, Abhinav Bindra may shoot  himself to a fifth Commonwealth Games medal and a thousand more marriage proposals.

B is for Bolt. The Jamaican sprinter named Bolt is missing from the Games, but as a safety inspector at a new bridge in Delhi said, “We’re more concerned about any other missing bolts.”

C is for Clean Up. No, not what’s been happening at the athletes’ village in Delhi, but what Indian athletes hope to do on the medal table.

D is for Delays. The Games have been plagued with delays: delayed funding, delayed construction and even delayed corruption.

E is for Efficiency. It was expected to be part of the Games, but like a number of foreign athletes, it didn’t quite make the trip to Delhi. 

F is for Frightened. Some athletes abruptly pulled out of the Games, frightened about what they might experience in Delhi, everything from collapsing bridges to mosquito-borne diseases to hugs from Suresh Kalmadi.

G is for gold. India has won 102 gold medals in the history of the Commonwealth Games, almost as much gold as South Indian actress Rambha wore on her wedding day.

H is for Home Field Advantage. That’s what Indian athletes will enjoy in Delhi: cheering crowds, familiar surroundings and, of course, hugs from Suresh Kalmadi.

I is for Inspire. The Games will bring glory to hundreds of athletes and may inspire the next generation to take up a sport that’s not played with a joystick.

J is for Jung. Shooter Samresh Jung won four medals at the 2002 Games and seven more in 2006, so don’t be surprised if you see a note on a gold medal that says “To be hung on Jung.”

K is for Kalmadi. Chairman of the Organising Committee, Suresh Kalmadi brought the Games to Delhi and was showered with compliments, then people wanted to beat him with implements.

L is for Lara. Tennis doubles ace Mahesh Bhupathi may give spectators a reason to smile, especially if  he brings his real partner, Lara Dutta, along.

M is for Money. The price tag of the Games keeps rising -- at this rate, it would be cheaper to produce another Rajinikanth film.

N is for Nehwal. Ranked No. 2 in the world, Saina Nehwal is a gold medal favourite in badminton, so quick on her feet that the Games Committee almost scheduled her singles and doubles matches simultaneously.

O is for Opening Ceremony. Prince Charles will be there and so will President Pratibha Patil. One of them will say “Let the games begin” and the other will say “Let the prince shut up. It’s my turn now.”

P is for Pep. The Organising Committee wanted A. R. Rahman to put more pep into his theme song “Oh yaaro, yeh India bula liya”, but there’s only so  much pep that Rs. 5.5 crore can buy.

Q is for Queen’s Baton. On its way to Delhi, the baton traveled through the 71 nations of the former British Empire, where many people were thankful that, unlike some of their forebears, they were carrying, not getting clubbed by, the Queen’s baton.

R is for Rugby 7s. As hosts, the Indian team qualified for rugby 7s for the very first time, giving them a great opportunity to watch the Kiwis running with the ball.

S is for Shera, the mascot of the Games, whose popularity has soared so high that, according to some  experts, there hasn’t been this much “tiger mania” in the world since the 1997 Masters.

T is for Tejaswini. Recently crowned world champion in the 50m Rifle Prone event, you can bet that Tejaswini Sawant won’t take losing lying down.

U is for Underdog. Indian athletes will be underdogs in a number of events, but don’t be surprised if they win medals in swimming and gymnastics, especially if Varun, the front desk guy, forgets to give the British team their “wake up” call.

V is for Vijender. A bronze medalist in boxing at the Beijing Olympics, Vijender Singh is determined to prove that Indians can dish out more than just chicken curry.

W is for Wrestling. It’s a big part of the Commonwealth Games and if you don’t believe me, just ask Kalmadi about all the problems he’s been wrestling with.

X is for Xhosa. It’s a language spoken in South Africa, and you can bet that at least one athlete will try to use Xhosa to order a dosa.

Y is for Yamuna River. The athletes’ village has been built along the bank of the Yamuna, triggering fears that the mosquitoes breeding in the river have been trained to attack Aussies and Britons.

Z is for Zany. The controversies and delays that have plagued the Games are certainly zany, but not quite as zany as the western news anchors who got a big thrill whenever they had an opportunity to say “Sheila Dikshit."

Melvin Durai's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge" is available at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites.

Ten lessons from the World Cup

I enjoyed the 2010 World Cup, not just for the excellent soccer (or football, as it’s usually called outside North America), but also for the sounds of the vuvuzela, the traditional horn that South African fans blew incessantly during the matches. My doctor says my ear drums will be fine -- they should be back to normal just in time for the next World Cup.

The World Cup was a learning experience -- at least that’s what I told my wife. Here are just 10 lessons I came away with:

1. South Africa was a big winner. The country did a magnificent job of hosting the World Cup, proving many people wrong and doing Africa proud. Some skeptics expected a crime wave during the month-long tournament, but the World Cup was relatively crime-free, aside from Uruguay stealing a victory from Ghana.

2. Timing is everything. North Korea, which qualified for the World Cup for the first time in 44 years, had a good showing in their opening match, losing by just one goal to five-time champion Brazil, so their autocratic government decided to televise the next match live. Yes, LIVE! The first LIVE match in a long time gave North Koreans an opportunity to see the national team playing DEAD. They were hammered 7-0 by Portugal, and the North Korean government had no choice but to blame it all on American influence: “Our team get confused, think they are playing American football, and lose by only one touchdown.”

3. Winning is better than not losing. Only one team didn’t lose a single match in this World Cup -- that soccer power New Zealand. The Kiwis, who were eliminated in the first round, proved that they’re not just one of the most improved teams, they’re also the best dressed: they went home with three ties.

4. Soccer is a magical sport. No, I’m not referring to the phenomenal footwork or astounding goals. I’m talking about the disappearing act performed by superstars Lionel Messi and Wayne Rooney. Poof! Even Cristiano Ronaldo went missing, but the South African police managed to track him down in a Durban beauty salon.

5. Octopuses are better at predicting soccer matches than other creatures. From a Sea Life Centre in Germany, Paul the Octopus correctly picked the winners of eight World Cup matches, outshining a number of other creatures who tried to predict the results, including Leon the Porcupine, Petty the Pygmy Hippo, Mani the Parakeet, and Melvin the Human.

6. The beautiful game needs fixing. Among the concerns at this World Cup: England was robbed of a goal against Germany, Uruguay benefited from a deliberate handball, and FIFA failed to listen to my suggestion to appoint Nicole Flint, Miss South Africa, as an honorary lineswoman. (Do you think she would have missed England’s goal?)

7. Asians can really play. The Africans were pretty good, as expected, but the Asians showed that they can really play. Yes, I spotted several of them doing a great job playing the vuvuzela. (They did fine on the field, too. Japan will win the World Cup one day, especially if they can pair their star midfielder Honda with a forward named Toyota.)

8. All balls aren’t equal. The Adidas Jabulani ball was the official ball of the 2010 FIFA World Cup -- and it was officially awful. It took some quirky bounces -- just ask England keeper Robert Green -- and was particularly erratic whenever it was kicked by anyone who spoke French. (No, I’m not suggesting it was a Spanish ball, but did you see how it accelerated whenever David Villa shouted “Ole!”?)

9. Soccer stars are multi-talented. While players in American football can specialize in one or two skills, soccer players have to know it all: how to dribble, how to shoot, how to dive. Uruguay and Netherlands didn’t win it all, but at least Diego Forlan won the Golden Ball award and Arjen Robben won the Golden Fall award.

10. One goal is enough. In the knockout stage of the World Cup, Spain won all four matches by the score of 1-0. The team was a model of focus and determination. It had only one goal: to win the World Cup. Portugal, on the other hand, had seven goals -- and North Koreans got to see them LIVE.

Cartoon by Mahendra

Memo to staff: Get some work done

To: All staff
From: Company president
Subject: Low productivity

It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I'm not sure what's going on, but please be assured that I'm monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren't pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it's important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I'm pleased to recognize.

John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John's office and heard him and several employees shouting "Goal! Goal! Goal!" When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It's important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, "Without goals, our team will lose."

Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn't come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there's a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. "I'll come to work, boss," he said. "The illness isn't contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day." What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, "Brazil 2, North Korea 1." I asked him about it and he said, "That's the number of customers we have in each country." I was extremely pleased. I didn't realize we had a customer in North Korea. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar. I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called "World Cup." He told me it's an acronym he's using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he's testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in France. That's a huge market that we're missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Bathroom Productivity Award.

(A slightly different version of this column first appeared in 2006)

Unsung heroes of the Winter Games

Picture this: A Pakistani skier is hurtling down the slopes at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. “Come on, Muhammad, you can do it,” he says to himself. “Make your country proud.” A gold medal would be terrific and so would a silver or bronze, but Muhammad Abbas is a realistic man and knows it would be a great achievement, as the first Pakistani to ever compete in the Winter Olympics, just to finish the course ahead of the skier from India.

Abbas, 24, completed the two runs of the giant slalom in 79th place, about 43 seconds slower than the winner, Carlo Janko of Switzerland, but 14 seconds faster than India’s Jamyang Namgial, earning him a ticker-tape parade down the streets of Karachi. Perhaps even a date with Ayesha Gilani, Miss Pakistan World.

I’m not sure if Abbas was actually excited about finishing ahead of Namgial. Reporters didn’t get a chance to interview him, as he was busy carving the words “Pakistan Power” in the snow.

Namgial, one of three Winter Olympians from India, was last among skiers who completed the giant slalom. But he has plenty to be proud of. Not only did he make it to the bottom of the hill, he crossed the finish line with his entire head above the snow.

Yes, he didn’t fall on his face, sprain his ankle or suffer some other leg injury, like so many skiers who found themselves hobbling around Olympic Village on crutches, prompting one enterprising photographer to open a booth with a sign that said: “Get your Winter ‘Oh Limp’ Pics here!”

Just qualifying for the Winter Olympics was a major achievement for Namgial and cross-country skier Tashi Lundup. The Indian government doesn’t invest much money in winter sports, just a few million rupees or so, barely enough to cover the cost of importing snow from Russia.

Actually India does get some flakes in the northern regions –- and not just when the backpackers run their fingers through their hair. But with little financial support and inadequate equipment, it was quite a challenge for Namgial to learn to ski. If you don’t believe me, just try coming down a mountain slope with two cricket bats glued to your shoes.

Namgial deserves our admiration, as do the other Winter Olympians from warm-weather countries, athletes such as Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong of Ghana, Leyti Seck of Senegal and Robel Teklemariam of Ethiopia. Not only do they have little, if any, snow in their native countries, people think they’re crazy when they pour dried potato flakes down a hill.

Friend: “Hey man, why you wasting all this food?”

Athlete: “I’m not wasting it. I’m pretending it’s snow. The Ministry of Sports bought it for me.”

Friend: “You better not let them see you. I don’t think they knew what you meant when you asked them for training food.”

For Skiwell Phiri of Zambia, going to the Winter Olympics was an experience he’ll be telling his grandchildren about. I’m so glad he shared it with us through Twitter:

---“Just arrived in Vancouver. It’s so white over here -– and I’m not talkin bout the people.”

---“Brrrr … It’s freezin outside. I don’t know what’s crazier –- me coming here or Canadians complaining about global warming.”

---“Does anyone know if it’s safe to defrost my brain in the microwave?”

---“Whose idea was it to have the Winter Olympics in such a cold country anyway?”

---“I just met the Olympians from Ghana, Senegal and Ethiopia. They were in the main lounge of Olympic Village, huddled around the fireplace.”

---“It’s time to go home. I enjoyed the Winter Olympics, despite the weather. Maybe next time I’ll come as a competitor.”

Oh, the life of an Olympian

It must be nice to be an Olympian, especially if you're one of just three athletes representing a country of a billion-plus people at the Winter Games. Shiva Keshavan, Jamyang Nangial and Tashi Lundup must feel like kings, what with the Indian sports ministry bending over backwards to give them royal treatment.

From bearing the expenses of their ceremonial clothing to daily allowances of $50 per day, the sports ministry on Tuesday said it has spent around Rs 7.4 lakh on the eight-member Indian contingent at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. [Link]

Wow, a daily allowance of $50 per day! They'll be able to visit the prestigious French restaurant Lumière, order whatever they want on the menu -- six mushroom ravioli, Fraser Valley farm duck, braised eggplant & peppers -- and dash out before the bill arrives. No point in being a top athlete if you can't make a fast exit.

If they prefer to actually pay for their food, they can still eat like a king, loading their trays at Burger King. They can also eat like a queen, piling on the toppings at Dairy Queen.

Of course, they probably don't need to eat out at all. They have their own chef. His name is R.K. Gupta and he's listed as the Indian team's "Chef de Mission." My French is rusty, but I think that means cooking is his mission.

And let's not forget that they can get lots of free food at the Olympic Village -- Big Macs and other grub -- specially chosen by the Canadian Olympic Committee to ensure that visiting athletes have the best nutrition possible to maximize the medal count of Canada.

So don't you dare suggest that the Indian team isn't being treated well. Not only are they getting $50 per day, they also got to wear the coolest uniforms at the opening ceremony. Kudos to Indian officials who rejected uniforms donated by the Indo-Canadian communty and stuck with the original uniforms, which brought the team a lot more attention at the opening ceremony, as well as compliments such as "Are they sailors?" and "Wow, I didn't know that India had a Kmart!"

Report: Obama wins prestigious prize

In a stunning decision that caught many observers by surprise, President Barack Obama was awarded baseball’s 2009 American League MVP Award.

The Baseball Writers Association of America selected Obama for the award for his “dignity and poise” in throwing out the opening pitch at the 2009 All-Star Game.

“He doesn’t play in the Major Leagues, but he’s a Major League figure in the world,” said Sports Illustrated baseball writer Tom Verducci.

Obama wore jeans and a Chicago White Sox jersey for his ceremonial pitch at the All-Star Game in July. Video of his pitch was seen by more people around the world than any baseball game.

“His pitch was low and didn't make it to home plate, but he showed immense potential,” Verducci said. “We believe that if he hadn’t gone into politics, he could have been a great baseball player. So why not go ahead and give him the award?”

Obama became the first sitting president in the world to win an MVP award in a professional sport. The president said he was “surprised and deeply humbled” by the honor.

"I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize," Obama said.

Reaction to Obama’s MVP Award was mixed, with some welcoming the news and others calling it the biggest mistake since Sanjaya was voted off American Idol.

Rev. Al Sharpton called it an “inspiring choice,” saying that Obama, with a single pitch, had shown the world that it’s possible for anyone to succeed in baseball, not just young men who have spent years taking steroids.

But others said it was far too early in the Obama presidency for him to receive the award. “He hasn’t done much to deserve it,” said baseball analyst Rush Limpball. “It would have been better to give it to him after he has served two terms and thrown out the opening pitch at a dozen games.”

Baseball fan Pedro Pena agreed, saying it made no sense to give the award to a pitcher who had failed to strike out anyone, not even the Republicans.

“How can they give the MVP award to a part-time player?” Pena asked. “It’s unfair to the real professional players, especially to my brother Carlos.”

Carlos Pena, who hit 39 home runs for the Tampa Bay Rays, said he wasn’t surprised that the Baseball Writers Association would pick a winner so arbitrarily.

“They’re just baseball writers –- what do you expect?” Pena said. “They aren’t the Nobel Prize Committee or something.”

Kissing Rafael Nadal

If tennis fans could pay $100 to kiss Rafael Nadal at the U.S. Open, you can bet he'd have no time to practice serves and forehands. He's a good-looking man -- at least that's what the ladies tell me. The line to the Rafael Nadal Kissing Booth would probably go several times around Arthur Ashe Stadium, with just as many men pushing forward as women. Hey, it's New York City, where people feel free to express their feelings. Even heterosexual men would probably jump in line, just so they can brag to their friends: "I went to the U.S. Open and kissed a cute tennis star with long, beautiful hair."

I'm not sure if Noam U. Aorta is gay or straight, but his feelings for Nadal run all the way through his ... uh ... aorta.

Noam U. Aorta dashed out of the stands at Arthur Ashe Stadium in Queens just after midnight Wednesday after Nadal advanced to the quarterfinals by beating Gael Monfils, prosecutors said. Aorta ran onto the court, then hugged and kissed the Spanish star as he was changing shirts on the sideline before security guards took him into custody, they said. [Link]

Nadal, being the good sport he is, didn't seem to mind. If the security guards hadn't intervened, he might have kissed Aorta back.

“For me, it wasn’t a problem. The guy was really nice,” Nadal said. “He said, ‘I love you,’ and he kissed me.” [Link]

Most fans have to control the urge to jump out of the stands and kiss Nadal. Some shout "I love you" from the stands, while others have to be satisfied kissing their Rafael Nadal dolls. (No, I'm not showing you mine. I keep it in the closet.)

Aorta, 23, of Queens, will be charged with third-degree criminal trespass and interfering with a professional sporting event, prosecutors said. If convicted, he faces a maximum one year in jail and $5,000 in fines. [Link]

Five grand may seem like a lot for a Rafael Nadal kiss, but Aorta probably doesn't mind, especially since he has an opportunity to do a lot more kissing in jail.

Jay Patel, Cricketer of the Year

If the United States had an award for Cricketer of the Year, it should go to Jay Patel of Alabama. Nobody in the entire country wielded a cricket bat as effectively as Patel this year.

A 27-year-old man says his first run-in with crime won't keep him from working at his family's convenience store.

On Saturday night, Jay Patel picked up his cricket bat and chased a gunman from the Bee Gee's store in Pine Grove after realizing the gun was really a plastic toy.

Patel said Tuesday he was shaken up for a little while. He called it the most exciting thing that has happened since the store opened about six weeks ago. [Link]

It was also the most exciting thing to happen in the history of American cricket. Never before have the words "cricket bat" appeared in so many newspapers in America. Just imagine if every store owner decides to arm himself with a cricket bat. Soon, the thugs would also be walking around with cricket bats. And one of them might suddenly have a brainstorm: "Hey, why don't we hit a ball with this thing?" Next thing you know, cricket is the most popular sport in America -- and all because Jay Patel had a run with his cricket bat.

Cricketer of the Year? Perhaps he should be Sportsman of the Year.

(Hat tip to Vaidy Subbaraman)

Paes wins, hugs Navratilova

Leander Paes' triumph at the French Open was cause for great celebration, especially for me and others members of the Association of Rabid Fans of Doubles Tennis. We threw a party Saturday night and really had a good time, all three of us.

Paes and his partner, Lukas Dlouhy of the Czech Republic, won the men's doubles title, beating Wesley Moodie of South Africa and Belgium's Dick Norman 3-6, 6-3, 6-2. (Ignore the first set. Paes was preoccupied, exchanging glances with Martina Navratilova.)

Paes now has nine Grand Slam doubles titles (five men's and four mixed), just two behind his former partner Mahesh Bhupathi (four men's, seven mixed). Bhupathi  has won titles with seven different women, including most recently Sania Mirza at the Australian Open. He's truly amazing. It doesn't matter whom you pair him with -- Mary Pierce, Martina Hingis, Venus Flytrap -- he'll probably win a title.

Paes and Bhupathi won three Grand Slam titles together, the last in 2001, before having some sort of falling out, much to the chagrin of Indian tennis fans. They did get back together for last year's Olympics, somewhat reluctantly, and lost in the quarters to Stanislas Wawrinka and some guy named Roger.

Deccan Chargers win IPLSAE final

The Chargers were charged up and the Challengers just weren't challenging enough. As a result, the Deccan Chargers beat the Royal Challengers Bangalore today and were crowned champions of the IPLSAE (Indian Premier League, South African Edition).

Deccan Chargers beat Royal Challengers Bangalore by six runs in Johannesburg in the final of the second season of the Indian Premier League.

Having lost captain Adam Gilchrist for a third-ball duck, Herschelle Gibbs (53 not out) and Andrew Symonds (33 from 21 balls) helped Deccan post 143-6.

And despite Roelof van der Merwe's 32, Symonds took 2-18 and a late collapse left Bangalore six runs short.

The tournament was staged in South Africa because of security concerns.

It clashed with the recent Indian general election and with the government unable to provide security assurances, South Africa pipped England to act as replacement hosts. [Link]

It's pretty amazing that a tournament of such magnitude could be moved to another country on fairly short notice. South Africa deserves a lot of credit for what Stuart Hess of The Sunday Independent calls a "terrible inconvenience."

The Indian Premier League, while entertaining and educational, has also been a terrible inconvenience for South Africa.

It hasn't helped that the organisers have been arrogant, rude and demanding. Lalit Modi, Sony Television, IMG, and the all the League's sponsors owe the South African public as well as Cricket South Africa and it's provincial affiliates a massive debt of gratitude that stretches far beyond giving cheques to schools, money to school kids and offering some attractive woman an audition in a Bollywood movie. [Link]

I fully support the last part, especially if it means seeing Miss South Africa Tatum Keshwar in a few Bollywood movies.

Amobi Okoye gives back to Nigeria

Pro football players are always getting into trouble with the law. At least that's how it seems. Just take a look at the typical NFL player's speed dial: 1. Lawyer; 2. Attorney; 3. Counsel; 4. Bail bondsman. 

That's why it's so refreshing to read about the good guys -- and there are more good guys in the NFL than bad guys, no matter what you might read in the police blotter. Take Amobi Okoye, for example. The 21-year-old Houston Texans defensive end is giving back to his motherland, Nigeria, in a big way.

He will take a short break from working out at Reliant Stadium to return to Nigeria. Traveling with fellow NFL players, including Oakland’s Nnamdi Asomugha, the New York Giants’ Osi Umenyiora and Chicago’s Tommie Harris, Okoye will embark on another nine-day mission funded mostly by himself.

He will hand out 20 more C.A.T.E. (Changing Africa Through Education) scholarships to 10 girls and 10 boys heading to universities in Nigeria. The players also will conduct two football camps. [Link]

It's a great program, even if one boy got slapped by his girlfriend for wearing a T-shirt that said "I LOVE CATE."

The six doctors and seven nurses traveling with the group will offer free clinics to Nigerians in need, and Okoye will present his plans for his newest project — a type of prep school that would possibly be located in the capital city of Abuja.

“We want to build an academy,” Okoye said. “It’s an academy that would excel in sports and academics, with football, soccer and tennis being the major sports of concentration. It would also teach the other Olympic sports. [Link]

The academy may help Nigeria produce many more NFL players whose names Americans can't pronounce. As ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli pointed out a few years ago, "Of all the emerging African countries, it is Nigeria, it seems, that is foremost in emerging as a hothouse for developing athletes capable of performing at the NFL level."

Amobi Okoye, Nnamdi Asomugha, Osi Umenyiora, Adewale Ogunleye, Victor Adeyanju ... if you can say those names quickly 20 times, then you'd better contact Fox Sports. They're looking for a good NFL announcer.

Two $10 discounts you may or may not want

If you live in Tucson, Arizona, and subscribe to Comcast Cable's standard-definition feed, you were either steaming or beaming during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, depending on whether or not you liked the 30-second porn clip that interrupted the football game.

Thousands of Comcast's Tucson-area customers who were watching its standard-definition feed during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl on Feb. 1 were subjected to a 30-second clip from a pay-per-view porn channel.

The clip, which included full male nudity, was the result of a malicious act, Comcast said last week. [Link]

The company has asked the FBI for help in finding the culprit. It's also offering a $10 discount to affected customers. That doesn't seem like much at all, especially to compensate all those men who just found out they have a lot to compensate for.

Wife: "My God! Have you ever seen anything that long?"

Husband: "Pipe down, honey. You know that all football games are this long."

Some folks may have wanted to see more than just 30 seconds. And here's some good news for them:

Adult entertainment production company Pink Visual is offering local Comcast customers a $10 coupon to allow them to finish viewing the porn that interrupted the Super Bowl last Sunday.

“We feel really bad for the customers that were just getting into it when Comcast rudely switched back to the football game before the clip could really get going,” Kim Kysar, a spokeswoman for the company, said in a news release. [Link]

A $10 coupon? That doesn't seem like much at all, especially to compensate all those men who were on the edge of their seats, dying to see if anyone would score.

Why men and women shouldn't play soccer together

A mixed soccer game took place in Iran a week ago and the authorities were none too happy. 

TEHRAN, Iran - The first mixed soccer game - females versus males - since the 1979 Islamic revolution led to swift punishment Monday as six individuals were suspended and fines C$15,000 were issued.

Iran’s strict Islamic rules ban any physical contact between unrelated men and women, and Iranian women are even banned from attending soccer games when male teams play.

Three officials with the men’s team - a coach and two managers - were suspended after first denying the game took place. But video clips on cellphones of the game were used as evidence against them, the Vatan-e-Emrooz daily newspaper reported.

Esteghlal, one of Iran’s top two soccer clubs, said its disciplinary committee suspended two officials for a year while a third was suspended for six months. A fourth official was fined, a report posted on the club’s website said. ...

The Jan. 20 game between the club’s female team and its youth male team in Tehran was the first time in the 30 years of Iran’s Islamic establishment that males and females played soccer together, observers said. [Link]

I don't agree with the punishment, but I'm a firm believer that men and woman should not play soccer against each other. In fact, I've held this belief for more than a decade -- ever since a female player made me look silly during a soccer game. She took the ball away from me, dribbled past me, really hurt my male ego.

It's humiliating enough when another man beats you with a great move. But when a woman does it, well ... you feel like running straight home, taking off your cleats and hammering them into the side of your head.

So how did I get over this? How was I able to look at myself in the mirror again? Well, I reminded myself that female soccer players have a distinct advantage. They have to worry about only one ball. We men, on the other hand, have to protect ourselves.

Dr. Priya Narasimhan, the Steelers fan who may hurt her team

Women who watch sports have a special place in my heart, even if they watch it just to check out David Beckham's butt. I'm particularly enchanted with Dr. Priya Narasimhan -- and not just because, like me, she was born in Tamil Nadu, India, and grew up in Ndola, Zambia. A computer engineering professor at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Narasimhan is a football fan who is trying to use technology to improve the sport. Yes, she's developing a way for a referee or other official to use a remote control to shut Terrell Owens' mouth.

Actually, her technology would be more useful than even that. It would be able to tell, for example, whether the Pittsburgh Steelers really scored the winning touchdown against the Baltimore Ravens last Sunday or whether the referee needs a new prescription for his contacts. Of course, Narasimhan may not want the Steelers to be deprived of any touchdowns.

... Dr. Narasimhan, who grew up in India and Africa, found herself becoming a rabid Steelers fan after she moved to Pittsburgh seven years ago.

"When I moved here, I loved the people and their energy, and then I fell in love with football and I just started watching the Steelers and now, you can't get me out of the home on Sundays."

Impassioned as she was, she also found herself "throwing things at the TV many times when calls didn't go my way," and she began to wonder whether the wireless technology she was familiar with could help resolve some of those disputed decisions, as a further iteration of instant replay. [Link]

I wish the technology had been available on the evening of Feb. 5, 2006, when I found myself throwing everything but the kitchen sink at the TV. I was watching my favorite team, the Seattle Seahawks, play in the Super Bowl (finally) and face a few controversial calls, which contributed to their loss to the ... ahem ... Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Pirates and the Indians

The world is full of surprises. If you had told me a few months ago that two young men from India would soon sign professional baseball contracts in America, I would have said, "You're nuts! Please ask your doctor for some medication!" If you had told me that the two men would have never played in a real baseball game at any level before turning pro, I would have said, "Are you already taking some drugs?" If you had told me that the two men would have never even caught a ball with gloves before this year, I would have said, "On which street corner did you buy the drugs?"

As incredible as it may seem, we're soon going to have a Singh and a Patel playing professional baseball in America. Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, to be precise. The two men, both former javelin throwers, have signed free-agent contracts with the Pittsburgh Pirates. That means, of course, that India is going to have to stop attacking pirates and start cheering for them.

Singh and Patel came to the United States six months ago after being the top finishers in an Indian reality TV show called the “Million Dollar Arm” that drew about 30,000 contestants. The show sought to find athletes who could throw strikes at 85 miles per hour or faster. [Link]

Among 30,000 contestants, Singh and Patel were the only ones who didn't try to bowl the ball. Patel threw the ball at speeds exceeding 90 mph, faster than any Indian man threw objects at the TV during the last cricket World Cup.

Column: The Olympics give us reason to hope

If you're like most people, you didn't watch enough of the Beijing Olympics, partly because there were just too many events happening at the same time and partly because, having a full-time job, you had to spend a little time every morning coughing into the phone.

Considering everything that happened at the Olympics, I probably watched only one percent of the action. I completely missed the badminton and table tennis competition -- they must have been on TV while I was asleep -- and I caught only a little of the rhythmic dancing (Usain Bolt sure knows how to shake it). But I did watch quite a bit of the Jamaican sprint events, as well as the tiny tot gymnastics and the always-popular bikini show (disguised brilliantly as beach volleyball). And I got a thrill out of watching swimmer Michael Phelps make Olympic history, winning eight gold medals and setting a world record for total amount of chest exposure on TV. (Eat your heart out, Janet Jackson.)

These Olympics certainly left us with many unforgettable moments, starting with the spectacular opening ceremony that mesmerized people all over the world, even causing one family in West Virginia to pose for photographs next to their TV screen. I don't know about you, but I won't soon forget the awesome fireworks display, almost too amazing to be true, as well as that cute little girl who did a fabulous job of lip-synching.

Perhaps the most impressive performance at the Olympics belonged to Phelps, who left viewers around the world shaking their heads and asking one question: "How does he do it?" Americans wondered how he manages to break so many world records, while Germans and Russians wondered how he manages to pass all his drug tests.

Which country should be No. 1 on the medal table?

In a post titled "Only in America," Angry African writes about the Olympic medal table and how the U.S. is No. 1 in tables that appear in the American media (See Yahoo! Sports table), while China is No. 1 in tables that appear elsewhere (See BBC table).

You know what system they use in the rest of the world for the official Olympic ranking system? The country with the most gold medals is on top and the little country with the least is right down there at the bottom. Makes sense. Right? Oh? Not here though. Over here they have America on top. They are way behind the Chinese when it comes to gold medals but that doesn’t matter. They argue that they have more of the other medals so they should be on top. [Link]

So which of the two tables is more accurate? Both of them have flaws, in my opinion. That's why I've developed a medal table that removes any bias and truly shows which country is No. 1 at the Olympics.

India wins medals in boxing and wrestling, no kidding

V. Balakrishnan, the journalism student at Columbia University in New York, was all smiles as he sat down to lunch with his friend Bobby Johnson. So excited was he that he began talking before putting anything in his mouth.

Balakrishnan: "Did you hear? India has won two more medals!"

Johnson: "Yeah, I heard. It was on CNN. Breaking News. They interrupted a debate on whether Barack Obama will choose Deepak Chopra as his running mate."

Balakrishnan: "Really?"

Johnson: "Of course not, you idiot. Do you really think CNN cares how many medals India wins?"

Balakrishnan: "Well, it's pretty big news, man. It's the first time India has won three medals at a single Olympics. It's also the first time we've medaled in boxing. We've meddled before, but not medaled."

Johnson: "Boxing? You're kidding? I thought Indians were ...  you know ..."

Balakrishnan: "Wimps?"

Johnson: "No, not wimps. Just ... you know ... wimpsical."

Balakrishnan: "Wimpsical? Is that a real word?"

Johnson: "I'm not sure. What I mean to say is, I thought Indians were the nonviolent sort. You know, like Gandhi."

Balakrishnan: "Like Gandhi? You thought we were all like Gandhi?"

Johnson: "Well, I've never met an Indian who was really into fighting. Have you ever been in a fight yourself? Have you ever hit anyone?"

Balakrishnan: "No, but I have hit my books really hard. And I've also hit the dance floor, hit the bottle and hit the sack."

Kirsty Coventry makes a splash for Zimbabwe

Some of my favorite stories from the Olympic Games are about athletes who bring glory to countries that would otherwise enjoy very little limelight. Samuel Matete, the 400m hurdler, is one of those athletes. He won a silver medal at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta and proudly carried the Zambian flag around the stadium, much to my delight.

At the Beijing Olympics, as she did four years earlier, Kirsty Coventry put Zimbabwe near the top of the medal table, giving some of her countrymen their widest smiles since independence.

The Harare-born swimmer has won four medals in Beijing, three silver and one gold, and seven medals in her career, making me wish she had been born just a few hundred miles north.

“Part of the reason I'm still swimming and still motivated is to raise my country's flag high and shine some good, positive light on my country at home,” says Coventry, who refuses to comment publicly on Zimbabwe's divisive political crisis. “I don't know how many athletes have their whole country supporting them. Every time I go home, I have people in the street cheering me.”

Or parents naming newborn sons and daughters after her. Shortly after the Athens Olympics, there was a Swimmingpool Nhanga born in Harare, a Freestyle Zuze, a Breaststroke Musendame, a Butterfly Masocha, a Backstroke Banda. [Link]

Before the Athens Olympics, there was a CantSwim Ndlovu, a DogPaddle Zulu, a BackStrain Banda.

Her grand return to Harare was televised on live TV for two hours. Mugabe presented her with the equivalent of $50,000 U.S. as “pocket money.”

That Coventry is a white girl from a Harare suburb who went to college in the United States and still lives there doesn't seem to matter to the 12 million residents of Zimbabwe, all but a few thousand of whom are black and poor. They consider her one of their own, a lifeline to the rest of the world, a beacon of hope in an ever-darkening existence. [Link]

Coventry could have found a way to swim for the United States, could have made more money in the process, but she didn't. She swam for the country where she was born, where she grew up. And she swam into the hearts of 12 million people.