FunnyColumns

India on Brink of War with United States

India is on the verge of war with the United States after the State Department refused to take action against Tonight Show host Jay Leno for a joke about the Golden Temple.

Leno showed a picture of the Golden Temple and joked that it was the summer home of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

Following online protests from Sikhs in America, India’s Overseas Affairs Minister Vyalar Ravi called for the US government to look into the issue, saying, “The Golden Temple is the Sikh community's most sacred place. If Jay Leno wanted to joke about it, he should have first cleared it with our Prime Minister, who is himself a Sikh.”

State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland said that President Barack Obama is not considering taking action against Leno, noting that “his comments are constitutionally protected in the United States under free speech.” But she quickly added that Obama did not find the joke funny at all and generally preferred Letterman to Leno.

But the U.S. response did not satisfy the Indian government. Sources say that Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has met with Defense Minister A.K. Antony to discuss the logistics of going to war against the United States.

“It’s a very serious issue,” an informed source said. “Obama should have condemned Leno and instructed NBC to cancel his show. But perhaps the president is being very strategic. He knows that Americans always re-elect a president during a time of war.”

While some military analysts question whether India can wage a war against the United States, others point out that the U.S. has already spent billions of dollars fighting in Iraq and would be reluctant to commit to another costly war.

“I think they’re going to have to appease India in some way,” said David McDouglas, a writer for MilitaryNews.com. “I’m not sure what that will involve. Perhaps Obama will have to make a pilgrimage to the Golden Temple.”

He noted that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper had to do something similar last year, after comedian Russell Peters said that Bollywood movies are “all garbage” and Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai “is the biggest example of bad acting.”

“To appease India, do you know what Harper did?" McDouglas asked. “He sat through an entire Bollywood movie! Anything to prevent a war against India.”

Mitt Romney, meanwhile, told a group of reporters in Florida that he has several summer homes, but the Golden Temple isn’t one of them. “Nice place,” he said. “I love the architecture and the color scheme. I’ve already told my real estate broker, ‘If it ever goes on sale, snap it up.’”

Questions about Obama never cease

President Barack Obama has been in office for more than two years, but some questions about him have still, amazingly, not been put to rest. The most common question concerns his birth: Was he really born in Hawaii?

It’s a question that has been asked continually by a certain segment of the population. These people are known as “birthers,” a term that was coined to describe Republicans and others who are seeking to prove, through a growing body of evidence, that they’re nutcases.

Not all of them are nuts, of course. Some are fruitcakes.

Talk to them and you’ll get statements like these:

--- “Obama wuz not born in Hawaii, so as far as I’m concerned, he’s inedible to be president.”

--- “If he wuz born in Hawaii, how come he don’t speak Hawaiian?”

--- “I don’t believe he was born in Hawaii, but even if he was, should Hawaii really be considered part of America?”

Many of these people suspect that Obama was actually born in the land of his father, Kenya. It may seem like a far-fetched belief, but if you go to Kenya, you will find a similar group of people, also called “birthers,” who suspect that their president, Mwai Kibaki, was actually born in Hawaii.

I spoke to a “birther” in Kenya named George Mbacho.

Me: “Is the beer in Kenya really that strong?”

Mbacho: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean, do you really believe that President Kibaki was born in Hawaii?”

Mbacho: “Yes, we believe that Obama got Kibaki’s birth certificate and Kibaki got Obama’s.”

Me: “But Kibaki was born in 1931 and Obama was born in 1961.”

Mbacho: “You noticed that too? They are only one digit apart.”

Me: “What do you hope to achieve through your accusations? Do you want Kibaki to step down?”

Mbacho: “No, we are hoping for a trade. We’ll take Obama, let the Americans have Kibaki.”

Me: “What if Americans don’t want Kibaki?”

Mbacho: “They have to take him. He was born in Hawaii!!!”

It’s important to note that in 2008 Obama’s staff released an official ‘Certification of Live Birth’ from the State of Hawaii, which clearly states that Barack Hussein Obama II was born on Aug. 4, 1961, at 7:24 p.m. in the city of Honolulu, weighing 60 lbs, 8 oz.

Actually it doesn’t provide his weight or any of the other details that “birthers” are seeking. That’s what I gathered from a conversation with an outspoken “birther," who has the apt name of Bertha.

Me: “Let me get this straight: you don’t believe the ‘Certification of Live Birth’ proves anything?”

Bertha: “Well, it proves that he didn’t come from an egg. That’s what it proves.”

Me: “So you agree that he’s a mammal?”

Bertha: “Well, I never suspected he was a reptile. My friend Gertrude did, but not me.”

Me: “What does the president need to do to prove once and for all that he was born in Hawaii?”

Bertha: “Well, if he wants us to believe him, he needs to release his long-form birth certificate, the one from the hospital, as well as signed statements from the doctor and nurse who delivered him, and also a photo of him wearing a Hawaiian print diaper.”

Me: “And if he provides all that, would you and others stop asking the question about his birth?”

Bertha: “Yes, we would stop asking that question. But then, there’s still the other question.”

Me: “What question is that?”

Bertha: “Is he a Muslim?”

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If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge," available in North America through McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here and an excerpt here.

Indians -- The Happiest People in the World

NEW YORK (April 3, 2011) -- An international survey, conducted simultaneously in 140 countries on April 2, has found that Indians are the happiest people in the world -– with no other country even coming close.

Researchers at Brown University in Rhode Island, under the guidance of Professor Michael Tibbs, called 100 people in each country at random to determine their level of happiness.

“We were amazed by the results,” Tibbs said. “We asked people to rate their level of happiness from 1 to 10. Out of 100 Indians, 98 said ‘10’, one said ‘11’ and the other said ‘I’m so happy, I could die.’”

What’s most remarkable, he said, is that Indians ranked 12th in the world in a 2010 survey, with an average level of happiness of 7.43.

“Though we asked several probing questions, we weren’t able to determine how Indians suddenly became the happiest people in the world,” Tibbs said. “The economy hasn’t improved that much in one year and, as far as we can tell, the price of rice hasn’t dropped.”

Tibbs said his researchers gathered a few unusual answers to their questions. Asked about the importance of religion in determining happiness, one man said, “I finally believe in God,” and another said, “Dhoni is our savior!”

Asked if they have close relationships with family and friends, one woman said, “Yes –- and I can’t stop hugging them,” while a man said, “I kissed my friends so much, my wife suspects that I’m gay.”

Tibbs said that Indians have very positive attitudes about life. While people in other parts of the world were likely to describe life as “okay” and “not bad,” Indians were likely to describe it as “too good to be true” and “better than in 1983.”

“Something has changed in India,” Tibbs said, “and as soon as we get some more funding, we’ll conduct another survey to determine exactly what that is.”

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If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge," available in North America through McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here and an excerpt here.

Protecting Condom from the condoms

If you’ve ever used a product called “The Original Condom from Condom, France,” you may be disappointed to discover that the condom did not really come from Condom. It came from Malaysia, a country that produces a large portion of the world’s rubber and, apparently, a large portion of the world’s rubbers.

Though the company that makes “The Original Condom” is headquartered in the southwestern French  town of Condom, the townspeople wanted to cut themselves off from any connection to condoms. And so they got together, had a vote and changed the town’s name to Vasectomy.

Actually, they didn’t change the town’s name, but put the town’s lawyer to work instead. She convinced a nearby court to ban use of the brand “The Original Condom from Condom, France.” According to Agence France-Presse (AFP), the judge stated in his ruling that "it is clear that the use of the name, the image and the renown of the town of Condom, without its knowledge, for entirely commercial ends (is) manifestly illicit.”

It would be like making a jam in China and selling it under the brand “The Original Jam from Jamshedpur, India.” Or selling water from Jamshedpur under the brand “The Original Water from Watertown, Massachusetts.” Very deceptive indeed.

I wanted to go a little deeper and find out more about Condom, so I made a call to Bernard Gallard, the mayor of Condom.

Me: “I hope you won’t mind some of the questions I’m going to ask, Mr. Gallard. Many of my readers have never been in Condom and are eager to know what it’s like down there. But let me start by asking you about your job. What’s it like to be mayor of Condom?”

Gallard: “No different from other mayors, I suppose. I have my ups and downs.”

Me: “Did you always want to be the head of Condom?”

Gallard: “Not always, but for a few years now. It’s a very demanding job. The people have put their trust in me. I have to make many important decisions that determine the success or failure of Condom.”

Me: “Trust me, Mr. Gallard, you’re not the only one who worries about Condom failure. But I’m sure you’re more knowledgeable than most men. I’m sure you don’t need any instructions on Condom management.”

Gallard: “Thank you for saying so. I’m proud of my record. I feel that I’ve left my mark on Condom. I’ve taken Condom to places it’s never been before.”

Me: “What’s the weather like in Condom?”

Gallard: “Sometimes it gets a little hot in Condom. But then we get some rain and we all feel better.”

Me: “Do you have many tourists entering Condom?”

Gallard: “Of course. We have new people entering Condom every day. They come to see the Condom Cathedral, the Condom Museum and the Condom Machine.”

Me: “Condom Machine? What does the machine do?”

Gallard: “Well, if you put five euro in the machine, it gives you a miniature replica of the town. A mini-Condom, you could say. The town’s craftsmen and craftswomen make it.”

Me: “Does Condom produce a lot of things? I imagine you’re quite proud of the ‘Made in Condom’ label.”

Gallard: “Yes, we are very proud of our products. You could say that we’re bursting with Condom pride. In fact, we have a very successful ‘Buy Condom, Grow Condom’ campaign.”

Me: “Do you have other slogans that show your Condom pride?”

Gallard: “Yes, we have many slogans on T-shirts and bumper stickers, such as ‘I Love Condom’, ‘Beautiful Condom’, and ‘This is not your father’s Condom.’”

Me: “You must be excited about the judge’s ruling. How did you celebrate?”

Gallard: "We had a Condom parade. Many of our youths walked in the parade, as did our dignitaries and, of course, our most beautiful citizen, Miss Condom herself.”

Me: “Do you have any regrets that you couldn’t work out a deal with the condom company? You could have made some money for Condom.”

Gallard: “Yes, but then our town would forever be associated with condoms. When people think of Condom, we don’t want them to think of condoms.”

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If you enjoyed this column, you'll love Melvin's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge," available in North America through McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here and an excerpt here.

Three steps to get rid of bed bugs

Bed bugs are showing up everywhere –- in homes, hotels and even planes –- and if you don’t watch out, you may find yourself as angry as the single middle-aged Toronto woman who thought she was hearing good news when a fortune teller told her, “You’ll never be alone in bed again.”

The bed bug population in North America is rising as fast as the unemployment rate, which means that if you don’t have a job, you can’t just lie in bed. And if you think bed bugs are a pain, wait until you meet sofa bugs.

Wherever you encounter them, they’re likely to give you itchy restless nights. 

“I woke up to find a dozen bite marks on my back,” said a 20-year-old New York woman. “My doctor says it’s either bed bugs or Marv Albert.”

“They’re all over my bed!” said a college student in Pennsylvania. “I wish I hadn’t gotten a tattoo that says, ‘Bite me.’”

“I hate all the bed bugs in hotel rooms!” tweeted a professional basketball player. “How’s a guy supposed to have an affair?”

“Too much scratching going on,” he later tweeted. “Not the bed bugs –- my wife just scratched out my eyes.”

Once you have bed bugs, it can be really tough to get rid of them. The first step, of course, is to make sure you have bed bugs and not some other critters. Just examine the bite marks on your body. Bed bugs like to leave small red dots close to each other and if you connect the dots, you will see a picture of Muammar Gaddafi. (If you see a picture of Barack Obama, you do not have bed bugs. You have democ rats.)

The next step is a drastic one. Take all your furniture outdoors, spread it around and put up a large sign that says “Yard Sale.” Make sure you warn potential buyers about the bed bug infestation by displaying messages such as “All sales final” and “All items sold as is.”

If you don’t attract enough buyers, you might want to put up a more enticing sign: “Moving Sale.” (Just don’t tell them who’s moving.)

The final step is to deal with any bed bugs that are still hiding in your house. The best way to do this, most experts agree, is to blast them ruthlessly with one or two Justin Bieber songs. The bed bugs will rush out of their hiding places –- and so will any teen-aged girls. Smack them with an old magazine (the bugs, not the girls).

If you’re unable to get rid of all your bed bugs, try to look on the bright side. Strangers will be reluctant to enter your home, so you won’t have to worry about crime. Just ask the 40-year-old accountant in Seattle. “I got rid of my lazy, good-for-nothing dog,” he said. “Instead, I put up a sign that says ‘Beware of the Bed Bugs.’ Everyone has been staying away, even my mother-in-law.”

In some cases, bed bugs can even invigorate your love life. Just ask the 80-year-old man in the Atlanta retirement home. “Nothing was happening between my wife, Mildred, and I until last Saturday,” he said. “Then, in the middle of the night, I heard her say, ‘Oh Harold, it’s been so long since you nibbled my ear.’”

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If you enjoyed this column, you'll love Melvin's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge," available in North America through McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here and an excerpt here.

Toyota cares about your safety

Dear Toyota Customer,

You may have heard that a tiny number of Toyota vehicles, among the millions being driven around the world, have not had acceleration problems. This is not true. As President of Toyota’s North American Division, I want to assure you that all our vehicles are SAFE (Sometimes Accelerating Forward Erratically).

Your safety is important to us. We want to make sure that driving a Toyota continues to be a pleasure for you, that you always arrive at your destination safely and no sooner than you intend to.

In the past few months, we have recalled millions of vehicles, including our Prius, Camry and Tacoma models, and in the next few months, we will try to recall what we did to them.

Recalling millions of vehicles is a difficult, costly task. But we have taken this measure to prevent potential problems with the floor mats, accelerators and brakes. In some models, we have replaced the all-weather floor mats with newly designed, ultra-thin transparent mats that you will not be able to see or feel. In other models, our highly trained technicians have made a slight adjustment to the accelerator pedal, removing the patch of Velcro from its underside. We will no longer buy pedals from the same company that supplies Wal-Mart with children’s shoes.

Many of you, of course, are driving Toyotas that have never been recalled. Your vehicles should not cause you any problems, but just to put your worries to rest, we will soon be sending you, free of charge, our new Toyota Stopping Kit (TSK). It consists of a bungee cord and a hook. Please do not throw the hook out of your vehicle while passing a pedestrian. This is not a good idea, as we discovered during our extensive testing in Japan. The TSK proved to be very effective, but we received complaints from a few pedestrians, including one man who ran after our Toyota, screaming, “Hey you idiots, give me back my toupee!”

As you can see, we are doing our best to solve any problems associated with our cars. We hope that you, our loyal customer, will continue to trust us and ignore any rumors about our company. We hope you will also ignore the Rev. Pat Robertson when he expresses his unshakable belief that some of our cars have been possessed by evil spirits. (We appreciate the good reverend’s advice, but have no intention of changing our Toyota Prius to Toyota Pious.)

We are a company that believes in focusing on the positives of any situation. Every cloud has a silver lining. Many of our customers, thankfully, are just like us, as evident in some of the emails we’ve received:

---“I’m so glad I own a Toyota. I’ve been pulled over by cops three times in the last week, but haven’t gotten a single ticket, thanks to my explanation: ‘Sorry, officer, my Toyota just went out of control.’”

---“You won’t believe what happened the other day. My husband and I were driving home from the grocery store. He wanted to make a right turn to visit the liquor store, but our Toyota wouldn’t slow down. It zoomed straight ahead and took us to church instead.”

---“My husband drove his 1990 Toyota Celica for almost 20 years and often said that he would go to his grave driving it. Well, he died last year and we buried him in the Toyota. I’m sure he’s happy, but it's going to take me a long time to recover. I really miss the Toyota.”

Let's move -- to fight childhood obesity

Childhood obesity is a major problem these days, and I’m not just saying that because someone cracked the seesaw in my neighborhood playground. All you have to do is visit any school and you’re likely to spot dozens of kids who have to walk sideways to enter the gym. That’s the only way they can squeeze past the gym teacher’s belly. (If the gym teacher is overweight, you know the kids are in trouble.)

According to the latest statistics, one out of every three American children is overweight –- and the other two refuse to step on the scale. Many of these children are considered “obese,” as determined by a mathematical formula in which a child's body weight in kilograms is divided by the square of his or her height in meters, then multiplied by the average number of Kit Kats consumed in a day.

Obesity puts children at risk for a number of health problems, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep disorders, as well as back and hip pain, which, in most cases, is not related to falling off seesaws.

Thankfully, President Obama recently launched a campaign to fight childhood obesity. The campaign, called “Let’s Move,” will try to educate parents about the importance of nutrition and exercise. Obama hopes more parents and children will say “Let’s move” to each other, at least half as often as they say “Let’s munch.”

It’s a good campaign and I wouldn’t be surprised if most families do find themselves saying “Let’s move,” especially as part of a longer sentence such as “Let’s move to the dining room and munch.”

Opening our hearts to Haiti

The devastating earthquake in Haiti turned into an opportunity for people around the world to show that they care –- and so far millions have opened their hearts in all sorts of ways. They've emptied their wallets, swiped their credit cards, and even withdrawn large amounts of cash from under their mattresses.

They've organized fundraising dinners –- pizza, spaghetti, barbecue –- drawing large crowds who just can’t resist the signs and posters that say “Pig out for Haiti” and “Stuff yourself for a good cause.”

Some schools held “Hats for Haiti” days, allowing students to wear hats in their classrooms if they donate at least $1. Other schools organized “Pajamas for Haiti” days, “Chew gum for Haiti” days, and the very popular “Kiss a Cheerleader for Haiti” days.

A Catholic school in Canada raised $4,000 by having a “dress-down day,” a very successful fundraiser, even if some boys were disappointed that not a single girl let her dress down.

At a Pennsylvania university, a group of students organized a coin drive, urging fellow students to search their dorm rooms for any money lying around. One international student managed to find millions of dollars. Unfortunately they were Zimbabwean dollars.

Report: Obama wins prestigious prize

In a stunning decision that caught many observers by surprise, President Barack Obama was awarded baseball’s 2009 American League MVP Award.

The Baseball Writers Association of America selected Obama for the award for his “dignity and poise” in throwing out the opening pitch at the 2009 All-Star Game.

“He doesn’t play in the Major Leagues, but he’s a Major League figure in the world,” said Sports Illustrated baseball writer Tom Verducci.

Obama wore jeans and a Chicago White Sox jersey for his ceremonial pitch at the All-Star Game in July. Video of his pitch was seen by more people around the world than any baseball game.

“His pitch was low and didn't make it to home plate, but he showed immense potential,” Verducci said. “We believe that if he hadn’t gone into politics, he could have been a great baseball player. So why not go ahead and give him the award?”

Obama became the first sitting president in the world to win an MVP award in a professional sport. The president said he was “surprised and deeply humbled” by the honor.

"I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize," Obama said.

Reaction to Obama’s MVP Award was mixed, with some welcoming the news and others calling it the biggest mistake since Sanjaya was voted off American Idol.

Rev. Al Sharpton called it an “inspiring choice,” saying that Obama, with a single pitch, had shown the world that it’s possible for anyone to succeed in baseball, not just young men who have spent years taking steroids.

But others said it was far too early in the Obama presidency for him to receive the award. “He hasn’t done much to deserve it,” said baseball analyst Rush Limpball. “It would have been better to give it to him after he has served two terms and thrown out the opening pitch at a dozen games.”

Baseball fan Pedro Pena agreed, saying it made no sense to give the award to a pitcher who had failed to strike out anyone, not even the Republicans.

“How can they give the MVP award to a part-time player?” Pena asked. “It’s unfair to the real professional players, especially to my brother Carlos.”

Carlos Pena, who hit 39 home runs for the Tampa Bay Rays, said he wasn’t surprised that the Baseball Writers Association would pick a winner so arbitrarily.

“They’re just baseball writers –- what do you expect?” Pena said. “They aren’t the Nobel Prize Committee or something.”

Report: Taxi drivers expelled from association

Two cabdrivers have been expelled from the New York City Taxi Drivers Association (NYCTDA) for being too honest.

The drivers, Gulam Mustafa of Queens and Haron ur Rashid of the Bronx, were among more than 20 cabbies from across North America honored recently for their humanity, heroism and integrity by the International Association of Transportation Regulators. Mustafa was recognized for returning a wallet containing several thousand dollars to its owner, while Rashid was honored for returning wedding gifts to a couple.

Soon after accepting their awards, they received letters stating they were no longer members of the taxi association. "To be honest, we were very shocked," Mustafa said. Added Rashid: "It was honestly the last thing we expected."

Raoul Ramirez, president of the taxi association, said the drivers had broken a membership pledge to try their best to meet the public's expectations. "Let's face facts," Ramirez said. "The public doesn't expect taxi drivers to be honest. They expect us to take them for a ride."

He said the men had committed several other offenses, such as making sure their meters were accurate and always taking the shortest route. "Being honest once or twice is fine," Ramirez said. "But it has become too much of a pattern."

He acknowledged the possibility that the men are addicted to honesty, saying, "That's why we've recommended that they join the HCA (Honest Cabbies Anonymous) program."

Asked if the public wasn't better served by honest taxi drivers, Ramirez shook his head. "Sometimes yes, sometimes no," he said. "Do you know what happened to the customer whose wallet Gulam returned? He had a heart attack. Almost died."

Photo by Adrian8_8

Report: Obama in big trouble over "jackass" comment

WASHINGTON -- President Obama is in trouble for calling Kanye West a "jackass" after the rapper interrupted singer Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards.

"Obama should not have called Kanye a jackass," said Donna Rivers, an African-American woman who marched outside the White House with hundreds of others Wednesday. "It's insulting and unfair to all jackasses."

Rivers and the other protesters, mostly members of the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), held up signs demanding that Obama apologize to jackasses.

"Poor creatures," said Matt Johnson, a Baltimore accountant. "What have they done to deserve being compared to Kanye? Have they ever stepped on a stage uninvited? Have they ever interrupted a speech by a horse or cow?"

He added that he has heard West's music on his teen-aged son's iPod and, if given a choice, would prefer to listen to a jackass braying.

Julia Flowers, a lifelong Democrat, said she found Obama's comment particularly upsetting because the symbol of the Democratic Party happens to be a jackass. "Obama should be more respectful to jackasses," she said. "The least he could have done was compare Kanye to some other animal, such as a rat."

But Maurice Davis disagreed with her, saying no animal deserved to be compared with West. "Why do animals need to be insulted?" Davis said. "Why couldn't Obama just say that Kanye West is a turnip?"

Davis' words did not sit well with fellow protester Lucas Rove of Hagerstown, Md., who happens to be a turnip farmer. "Leave turnips out of this," he said. "They're good vegetables."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs released a statement saying that the President was speaking off-the-record and used the term "jackass" not to refer to the animal but as a synonym for "imbecile."

Gibbs' statement drew objections from another quarter. "We're insulted that the president believes that imbeciles are like Kanye West," said Glenn Beck, president of the American Association of Imbeciles.

Getting roasted over a coaster

Some spelling mistakes can be quite embarrassing. Take, for example, the mistake that someone at Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools in North Carolina didn't spot. As a result, hundreds of teachers in the school system received free coasters bearing the words "Career and Technical Eduction."

Yes, you guessed it. It should have been: "Career and Techniqual Eduction."

A CMS spokesperson told us the company that printed the coasters, Ad Concepts, didn't catch the mistake and neither did CMS when they approved the proof.

That's hard to believe for some parents.

"Nobody picked it up? Nobody was able to proofread this?" asked parent Talia Goldman. "It doesn't make me happy." [Link]

Commenters on the Internet were also displeased. Wrote one woman: "What a SAD commentary on our eduction system."

Wrote another: "Now you know why I took my kids outta school and am teachin dem at home."

A third commenter was rather blunt: "What imbesiles! Even I can spell bettar than that."

Report: Shah Rukh Khan boycotts America

MUMBAI -- Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan, still miffed about being questioned for more than an hour at Newark's Liberty International Airport, has said that he will not visit America again under any circumstances that do not involve making money.

"I will go there only for movies, concerts and paid appearances," King Khan said. "But other than that, I am totally boycotting America."

Khan, 43, said he will also try to minimize the number of days he stays in America, even on business trips. "If I have a concert in New York on Monday and another in Chicago on Wednesday, I will try to spend Tuesday in Canada."

He added that many of his American fans would be willing to travel to Toronto to see him perform. "I have had no trouble at the airports in Canada," Khan said. "The only question I have been asked by Canadian immigration officials is, 'Can we have your autograph?'"

Khan, who has appeared in more than 70 movies and is arguably the biggest movie star in India, was questioned for 66 minutes at Newark airport. He called the incident "embarrassing," saying he had not been questioned so aggressively since 1991, when he first met his future father-in-law. "The surprising thing is that he asked me some of the same questions," he said. "What do you do for a living? Do you belong to any terrorist organization?"

Khan thanked his fans for supporting him, saying he had received thousands of letters and emails. "One fan said he will boycott American products for the rest of his life," Khan said. "I don't know how he's going to do it, because he lives in New Jersey."

Some of his fans have urged Indian officials to detain Hollywood stars when they visit India, to give them the same treatment that Khan received in America. "I hope they will call me if they do that," Khan said. "I am more than willing to frisk Jennifer Aniston and Megan Fox."

Thank goodness for the Pickle Squad

Flying can be scary. You never know what the other passengers are up to. Some might want to hijack the plane, some might want to detonate shoe bombs in mid-flight and some might want to threaten everyone with their homemade mango pickle: "Show me a Bollywood movie NOW or I'll set your tongue on fire!"

Thank goodness for the Pickle Squad. They really live up to their slogan: "We get you out of pickles."

An airport summoned a bomb squad over a suspicious item in luggage that turned out to be pickled mangoes.

The X-ray equipment used by TSA airport security in Columbus could not detect what was inside a sealed canister in a bag being inspected around 7 p.m. Tuesday.

The container was labeled "baby food," but authorities said security personnel became suspicious when the woman who owned the suitcase claimed the canister held pickles.

The fire department bomb squad removed the item from the airport and detonated it, discovering the mangoes.

No one was hurt. Flights and other airport operations were not interrupted. [Link]

Phew! That was a close call. Imagine what might have happened if the woman had taken the mango pickle on the plane. Flight crews just don't have enough training to deal with such a calamity.

You may think I'm exaggerating the potential for disaster, but just remember: This was not just one small bottle of pickle, this was a CANISTER, with enough pickle to send all 250 passengers rushing for the fire extinguisher.

It's a close affair between Republicans and Democrats

Mark Sanford, the Republican governor of South Carolina, who disappeared for a few days, has admitted having an affair with a woman in Argentina. That's good news for the Republicans, who have quietly moved ahead in the race. In case you aren't keeping score at home, here's the official tally:

Affairs by Republican politicians: 1,265

Affairs by Democratic politicians: 1,264

Yes, it's a tight race. Anyone can win. The Republicans can't take anything for granted. After all, they were once so far behind in this race, some Democrats wondered why they even bothered getting married.

Democrats dominated the race in the 1990s, thanks to the inspirational leadership of Bill Clinton. "Come on, Bob!" he would say to a fellow politician. "You can do it! Just go have fun with another woman. Don't worry about your wife. I'll take good care of her."

The odds were stacked against Republicans, but they came on strong in the 21st century, largely because of the World Wide Web, where anonymity can be preserved and even a few dogs have managed to have affairs. (No, I'm not talking about Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg.)

The Republicans have taken the lead, but if they want to keep it, they need to send Sanford, John Ensign and others on nationwide tours to inspire more Republicans. Democrats, meanwhile, need to stay confident. After all, even with Sanford's affair, they're still ahead in one aspect of the race. In case you aren't keeping score at home, here's the official tally:

Affairs with non-Americans by Republican politicians: 1

Affairs with non-Americans by Democratic politicians: 59

As journalist Fareed Zakaria remarked recently, "Republicans just aren't in the same league with Democrats when it comes to foreign affairs."

Shashi Tharoor, minister atwitter

Should government ministers use Twitter to keep the public informed of their daily activities? That’s a question being debated in India, thanks to new Minister of State for External Affairs Shashi Tharoor, who reportedly is the first Indian minister to actively use Twitter.

In case you aren’t one of his growing legion of followers, here’s just a sampling of his recent tweets:

First day in Parliament. Still can’t believe I made it to Delhi! Remind me not to fly Kingfisher again.
7:05 AM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Have given 13 interviews in 3 languages and 2 more TV shows pending. A little overwhelmed by the media scum.
3:31 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Scrum. I meant, scrum.
3:32 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@koshy no, I won't be tweeting in Malayalam.
6:54 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@sreenivasan I've made 500 campaign speeches in Malayalam, given 150+ interviews in Malayalam, cursed my ex-wife in Malayalam!
6:59 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@verghese yes, I do regret the last part. I should have done it in French.
7:02 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Lunch with Vijay Amritraj, tennis ace and old friend. Discussed Wimbledon, Fed vs. Nad.
2:34 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

@bhupathi yes, I’m more of a “Go Fed” guy than a “Go Nad” guy.
2:43 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

Office computer still won’t work  ... too many bugs. Clerk used a spray and 100 roaches ran out!
10:22 AM May 24th from TwitterBerry

Manmohan Singh gets Obama's autograph

Dr. Manmohan Singh is a happy man today. He just got Barack Obama's autograph. The trip to London was well worth it.

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, leader of the world’s largest democracy, used part of his one-on-one session with Obama to ask for an autograph on behalf of his daughter (or so he said). [Link]

Singh, 76, has three daughters, all accomplished women who probably wouldn't have bugged their dad to get Obama's autograph. So what gives? Surely a man of Singh's stature didn't need to look like a fawning fan.

Instead of speculating further, I decided to ask Singh himself. He graciously accepted my long-distance phone call.

Me: "Congratulations Dr. Singh! I heard that the G-20 summit went well."

Singh: "Thank you. It was very successful. I met The Man."

Me: "Yes, I heard. What did you say to The Man?"

Singh: "I said 'You da Man!' And I shared some turban-wearing tips with him."

Me: "I heard that you also got his autograph."

Singh: "Yes, I asked him for his autograph and he gave it to me quickly, without hesitation, without even looking away from the cameras. What a nice man. I am very pleased to have his autograph on a document called 'Pledge to Increase Outsourcing.'"

Me: "I knew you were a brilliant man, Dr. Singh, but I didn't realize how brilliant."

Report: Gupta Girls Inconsolable After Sanjay Gupta Withdraws

SAN FRANCISCO -- A dozen women spent Thursday night on the Golden Gate Bridge, threatening to jump to their deaths, distraught over the news that Dr. Sanjay Gupta will not be the next surgeon general.

Gupta, the neurosurgeon and CNN medical correspondent, withdrew his name from consideration, purportedly to spend more time with his family.

The news disappointed many Indian-Americans and was particularly distressing to the Gupta Girls, a group of women who have been maintaining a fan site for Dr. Gupta, whom they've dubbed the "Sexiest Doctor on the Face of the Planet."

"We're utterly devastated," said the group's leader, an Atlanta woman who prefers to be known just as a Gupta Girl. "We thought he would definitely go to Washington. Some of us had even bought homes there."

More than 5,000 Gupta Girls had planned to attend Dr. Gupta's swearing-in ceremony, she said. "The Obama inauguration was big, but for us, this would have been bigger. We were going to dance all night at the Gupta Girls Ball. We were excited about taking our photos with Dr. Gupta and had already ordered several cutouts of him."

She could not confirm if any of the women on the bridge were Gupta Girls, but said it was highly likely. "Our email discussion list has more than 100,000 subscribers. Most of them have taken the news very hard. We're trying to arrange counseling for them. It's been a tough year. First the economy and now this."

Police cars blocked one lane of the bridge as an unidentified officer used a bullhorn to try to persuade the women not to jump. “Think about your children,” he said. “How are they going to manage without you?”

“Children?” one woman shouted back. “You think if I had children, I’d be filling my hard drive with pics of Dr. Gupta!”

"Tell Dr. Gupta to reconsider," another woman yelled. "He's thinking about his family, but what about us?"

A spokesman for CNN said Dr. Gupta could not comment, as he was busy preparing a segment for CNN called "Ten ways to keep yourself from going into depression."

Diary of Barack Obama's Pakistani roommate

The ongoing search for all photos and documents from President Obama’s past has turned up a diary that his Pakistani roommate kept in the early 1980s. Some of the entries are quite revealing:

Aug. 28, 1981: Barack and I went searching for furniture today. We found a couch that someone had dumped on the street. It doesn’t look too bad, once we turned the cushions over. It doesn’t smell bad either, once Barack sprayed it with his Brut.

Sept. 14, 1981: Barack and I have been eating pizza, macaroni and cheese, and Ramen noodles for dinner. But today, I decided to make chicken curry for a change. Barack tasted it and said, “Mmmm … This is a good change. Did I tell you how much I believe in change?”

Oct. 2, 1981: I tried to get Barack to give up cigarettes today. I said to him, “Why smoke cigarettes when you can smoke pot?” But it didn’t work. Poor guy. He really needs some help.

Nov. 13, 1981: Barack is a little too square. I’m trying to get him to be more stylish, more cool. Yesterday, I took him to see the movie Sholay at a friend’s house, hoping that Amitabh Bachchan’s style would rub off on him. And today, Barack is walking around wearing a wide-collared shirt and saying, “Tera naam kya hai, Basanti?”

Nov. 20, 1981: Barack is such a dreamer. He talks about being leader of America one day. I told him that he needs to shoot for something more realistic, such as leader of the church choir. I mean, the day a black man becomes leader of America is the day I need to give up weed.

Report: Obama Approval Rating Shoots Up Again

WASHINGTON D.C. -- After a mere 12 hours in office, President Barack Obama's approval rating shot up from 79 percent to 98 percent.

A CNN/USA TODAY/Gallup poll conducted at midnight on Inauguration Day found that almost all Americans and most Mexicans approved of Obama's performance.

"What's not to like?" said John Whitaker, 79, of Miami. "The man hasn't done anything but smile and wave."

Mary Walters, 28-year-old from Philadelphia, disagreed. "He dances real fine," she said. "I totally approve of his ballroom dancing."

For others, it was Obama's inauguration speech that gave them reason to approve. "I very much approved the speech," said Suresh Gupta, an immigrant from India. "Did you know that he mentioned 'Hindus' in it?"

Carson Williams, editor of Style magazine, said he approved of Obama's suit. "Style is obviously important to him," Williams said. "That's why we're giving him a free subscription."

Some Democrats noted that Obama, in his first 12 hours in office, kept America safe from terrorist attacks. "I approve of that," said Cindy Peters, 45, of Cleveland. "So far, so good."

Others were pleased that he hadn't declared war on any country. "He seems like a man who truly believes in peace," said William James, 60, of Chicago. "Just look at how many hands he shook on his first day in office."

Republicans were just as enthusiastic about Obama's performance. "I didn't vote for him, but I can't help approving of his performance," said Rhonda Graham, 48, of San Francisco. "He didn't just pick Rev. Rick Warren to pray at the inauguration, he even kept his eyes closed during the entire prayer."

Several Mexicans working at a farm near Dallas said they approved of Obama, too. "Very good president," a man named Miguel said.

Asked to explain, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "The speech. The speech, of course. Our boss go to listen to speech and we get to take a break."

Meanwhile, the approval rating of Obama lookalike Ilham Anas of Indonesia rose from 92 percent to 99 percent. Many Indonesians approved of what he did during the first 12 hours: waving, shaking hands and smiling.

"Our Obama was great," said Hamid Yusuf, 24, of Jakarta. "He did almost the same things as their Obama."