Nshima & Curry

Thank goodness for the Pickle Squad

Flying can be scary. You never know what the other passengers are up to. Some might want to hijack the plane, some might want to detonate shoe bombs in mid-flight and some might want to threaten everyone with their homemade mango pickle: "Show me a Bollywood movie NOW or I'll set your tongue on fire!"

Thank goodness for the Pickle Squad. They really live up to their slogan: "We get you out of pickles."

An airport summoned a bomb squad over a suspicious item in luggage that turned out to be pickled mangoes.

The X-ray equipment used by TSA airport security in Columbus could not detect what was inside a sealed canister in a bag being inspected around 7 p.m. Tuesday.

The container was labeled "baby food," but authorities said security personnel became suspicious when the woman who owned the suitcase claimed the canister held pickles.

The fire department bomb squad removed the item from the airport and detonated it, discovering the mangoes.

No one was hurt. Flights and other airport operations were not interrupted. [Link]

Phew! That was a close call. Imagine what might have happened if the woman had taken the mango pickle on the plane. Flight crews just don't have enough training to deal with such a calamity.

You may think I'm exaggerating the potential for disaster, but just remember: This was not just one small bottle of pickle, this was a CANISTER, with enough pickle to send all 250 passengers rushing for the fire extinguisher.

It's a close affair between Republicans and Democrats

Mark Sanford, the Republican governor of South Carolina, who disappeared for a few days, has admitted having an affair with a woman in Argentina. That's good news for the Republicans, who have quietly moved ahead in the race. In case you aren't keeping score at home, here's the official tally:

Affairs by Republican politicians: 1,265

Affairs by Democratic politicians: 1,264

Yes, it's a tight race. Anyone can win. The Republicans can't take anything for granted. After all, they were once so far behind in this race, some Democrats wondered why they even bothered getting married.

Democrats dominated the race in the 1990s, thanks to the inspirational leadership of Bill Clinton. "Come on, Bob!" he would say to a fellow politician. "You can do it! Just go have fun with another woman. Don't worry about your wife. I'll take good care of her."

The odds were stacked against Republicans, but they came on strong in the 21st century, largely because of the World Wide Web, where anonymity can be preserved and even a few dogs have managed to have affairs. (No, I'm not talking about Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg.)

The Republicans have taken the lead, but if they want to keep it, they need to send Sanford, John Ensign and others on nationwide tours to inspire more Republicans. Democrats, meanwhile, need to stay confident. After all, even with Sanford's affair, they're still ahead in one aspect of the race. In case you aren't keeping score at home, here's the official tally:

Affairs with non-Americans by Republican politicians: 1

Affairs with non-Americans by Democratic politicians: 59

As journalist Fareed Zakaria remarked recently, "Republicans just aren't in the same league with Democrats when it comes to foreign affairs."

Shashi Tharoor, minister atwitter

Should government ministers use Twitter to keep the public informed of their daily activities? That’s a question being debated in India, thanks to new Minister of State for External Affairs Shashi Tharoor, who reportedly is the first Indian minister to actively use Twitter.

In case you aren’t one of his growing legion of followers, here’s just a sampling of his recent tweets:

First day in Parliament. Still can’t believe I made it to Delhi! Remind me not to fly Kingfisher again.
7:05 AM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Have given 13 interviews in 3 languages and 2 more TV shows pending. A little overwhelmed by the media scum.
3:31 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Scrum. I meant, scrum.
3:32 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@koshy no, I won't be tweeting in Malayalam.
6:54 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@sreenivasan I've made 500 campaign speeches in Malayalam, given 150+ interviews in Malayalam, cursed my ex-wife in Malayalam!
6:59 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@verghese yes, I do regret the last part. I should have done it in French.
7:02 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Lunch with Vijay Amritraj, tennis ace and old friend. Discussed Wimbledon, Fed vs. Nad.
2:34 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

@bhupathi yes, I’m more of a “Go Fed” guy than a “Go Nad” guy.
2:43 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

Office computer still won’t work  ... too many bugs. Clerk used a spray and 100 roaches ran out!
10:22 AM May 24th from TwitterBerry

Manmohan Singh gets Obama's autograph

Dr. Manmohan Singh is a happy man today. He just got Barack Obama's autograph. The trip to London was well worth it.

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, leader of the world’s largest democracy, used part of his one-on-one session with Obama to ask for an autograph on behalf of his daughter (or so he said). [Link]

Singh, 76, has three daughters, all accomplished women who probably wouldn't have bugged their dad to get Obama's autograph. So what gives? Surely a man of Singh's stature didn't need to look like a fawning fan.

Instead of speculating further, I decided to ask Singh himself. He graciously accepted my long-distance phone call.

Me: "Congratulations Dr. Singh! I heard that the G-20 summit went well."

Singh: "Thank you. It was very successful. I met The Man."

Me: "Yes, I heard. What did you say to The Man?"

Singh: "I said 'You da Man!' And I shared some turban-wearing tips with him."

Me: "I heard that you also got his autograph."

Singh: "Yes, I asked him for his autograph and he gave it to me quickly, without hesitation, without even looking away from the cameras. What a nice man. I am very pleased to have his autograph on a document called 'Pledge to Increase Outsourcing.'"

Me: "I knew you were a brilliant man, Dr. Singh, but I didn't realize how brilliant."

Report: Gupta Girls Inconsolable After Sanjay Gupta Withdraws

SAN FRANCISCO -- A dozen women spent Thursday night on the Golden Gate Bridge, threatening to jump to their deaths, distraught over the news that Dr. Sanjay Gupta will not be the next surgeon general.

Gupta, the neurosurgeon and CNN medical correspondent, withdrew his name from consideration, purportedly to spend more time with his family.

The news disappointed many Indian-Americans and was particularly distressing to the Gupta Girls, a group of women who have been maintaining a fan site for Dr. Gupta, whom they've dubbed the "Sexiest Doctor on the Face of the Planet."

"We're utterly devastated," said the group's leader, an Atlanta woman who prefers to be known just as a Gupta Girl. "We thought he would definitely go to Washington. Some of us had even bought homes there."

More than 5,000 Gupta Girls had planned to attend Dr. Gupta's swearing-in ceremony, she said. "The Obama inauguration was big, but for us, this would have been bigger. We were going to dance all night at the Gupta Girls Ball. We were excited about taking our photos with Dr. Gupta and had already ordered several cutouts of him."

She could not confirm if any of the women on the bridge were Gupta Girls, but said it was highly likely. "Our email discussion list has more than 100,000 subscribers. Most of them have taken the news very hard. We're trying to arrange counseling for them. It's been a tough year. First the economy and now this."

Police cars blocked one lane of the bridge as an unidentified officer used a bullhorn to try to persuade the women not to jump. “Think about your children,” he said. “How are they going to manage without you?”

“Children?” one woman shouted back. “You think if I had children, I’d be filling my hard drive with pics of Dr. Gupta!”

"Tell Dr. Gupta to reconsider," another woman yelled. "He's thinking about his family, but what about us?"

A spokesman for CNN said Dr. Gupta could not comment, as he was busy preparing a segment for CNN called "Ten ways to keep yourself from going into depression."

Diary of Barack Obama's Pakistani roommate

The ongoing search for all photos and documents from President Obama’s past has turned up a diary that his Pakistani roommate kept in the early 1980s. Some of the entries are quite revealing:

Aug. 28, 1981: Barack and I went searching for furniture today. We found a couch that someone had dumped on the street. It doesn’t look too bad, once we turned the cushions over. It doesn’t smell bad either, once Barack sprayed it with his Brut.

Sept. 14, 1981: Barack and I have been eating pizza, macaroni and cheese, and Ramen noodles for dinner. But today, I decided to make chicken curry for a change. Barack tasted it and said, “Mmmm … This is a good change. Did I tell you how much I believe in change?”

Oct. 2, 1981: I tried to get Barack to give up cigarettes today. I said to him, “Why smoke cigarettes when you can smoke pot?” But it didn’t work. Poor guy. He really needs some help.

Nov. 13, 1981: Barack is a little too square. I’m trying to get him to be more stylish, more cool. Yesterday, I took him to see the movie Sholay at a friend’s house, hoping that Amitabh Bachchan’s style would rub off on him. And today, Barack is walking around wearing a wide-collared shirt and saying, “Tera naam kya hai, Basanti?”

Nov. 20, 1981: Barack is such a dreamer. He talks about being leader of America one day. I told him that he needs to shoot for something more realistic, such as leader of the church choir. I mean, the day a black man becomes leader of America is the day I need to give up weed.

Report: Obama Approval Rating Shoots Up Again

WASHINGTON D.C. -- After a mere 12 hours in office, President Barack Obama's approval rating shot up from 79 percent to 98 percent.

A CNN/USA TODAY/Gallup poll conducted at midnight on Inauguration Day found that almost all Americans and most Mexicans approved of Obama's performance.

"What's not to like?" said John Whitaker, 79, of Miami. "The man hasn't done anything but smile and wave."

Mary Walters, 28-year-old from Philadelphia, disagreed. "He dances real fine," she said. "I totally approve of his ballroom dancing."

For others, it was Obama's inauguration speech that gave them reason to approve. "I very much approved the speech," said Suresh Gupta, an immigrant from India. "Did you know that he mentioned 'Hindus' in it?"

Carson Williams, editor of Style magazine, said he approved of Obama's suit. "Style is obviously important to him," Williams said. "That's why we're giving him a free subscription."

Some Democrats noted that Obama, in his first 12 hours in office, kept America safe from terrorist attacks. "I approve of that," said Cindy Peters, 45, of Cleveland. "So far, so good."

Others were pleased that he hadn't declared war on any country. "He seems like a man who truly believes in peace," said William James, 60, of Chicago. "Just look at how many hands he shook on his first day in office."

Republicans were just as enthusiastic about Obama's performance. "I didn't vote for him, but I can't help approving of his performance," said Rhonda Graham, 48, of San Francisco. "He didn't just pick Rev. Rick Warren to pray at the inauguration, he even kept his eyes closed during the entire prayer."

Several Mexicans working at a farm near Dallas said they approved of Obama, too. "Very good president," a man named Miguel said.

Asked to explain, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "The speech. The speech, of course. Our boss go to listen to speech and we get to take a break."

Meanwhile, the approval rating of Obama lookalike Ilham Anas of Indonesia rose from 92 percent to 99 percent. Many Indonesians approved of what he did during the first 12 hours: waving, shaking hands and smiling.

"Our Obama was great," said Hamid Yusuf, 24, of Jakarta. "He did almost the same things as their Obama."

Gupta Girls excited about the next Surgeon General

Dr. Sanjay Gupta, neurosurgeon and correspondent for CNN and CBS, has been offered the position of Surgeon General in the Obama Administration, creating excitement not just among Indian-Americans, but also a group of women who call themselves the Gupta Girls. They've been maintaining a fan site for him, featuring a page of "pretty pictures"of Dr. Gupta. Naturally, I had to interview their leader, a woman who prefers to be known just as a Gupta Girl.

Me: "Where were you when you heard the news?"

Gupta Girl: "I was at 7-Eleven, getting a soda. One of my friends, who is also a Gupta Girl, called me. I screamed so loud, people thought I had won the lottery. I spent the rest of the day calling and emailing all the other Gupta Girls. We're so happy that our efforts have paid off."

Me: "Efforts? You mean you helped bring this about?"

Gupta Girl: "Well, we had nothing to do with the fact that Dr. Gupta is the handsomest, most intelligent, most eloquent doctor in the world ... "

Me: "On your website, you call him the 'Sexiest Doctor on the Face of the Planet.'"

Gupta Girl: "Yes, he's that too. We have nothing to do with any of that. But we did give money to President-elect Obama's campaign."

Me: "Did you ask Obama to appoint Gupta? Is this going to turn into a Blagojevich-like scandal?"

Gupta Girl: "No, nothing like that. Each of us just gave a little money and included a note that said: 'We love Barack Obama. He's almost as cute as Dr. Sanjay Gupta.'"

Report: Obama without power for 11 hours!

HONOLULU -- Reports that Barack Obama had lost power Friday night spread across the Internet faster than beach photos of Jennifer Aniston, sending millions of Democrats into a panic.

"He lost power? Didn't he just gain power?" asked a commenter on a liberal website.

"I didn't think he would have power until Jan. 20? What the (bleep) is going on?" wrote another commenter.

The news didn't seem to surprise Joe Robinson, an African-American blogger. "I knew they wouldn't give a black man power," he wrote. "I knew they would find a way to take it away from him!"

A CNN blogger made a few phone calls, then tried to relieve some of the Democratic fears with a post titled: "Obama has no power, but Biden does!"

Other headlines around the Internet included "No power for Obama," "Obama rendered powerless," and "Obama stripped of power while vacationing." The words "Obama stripped" soon became the most searched phrase on Google.

Democratic worries were allayed within a few hours when Honolulu Mayor Mufi Hannemann announced that Obama had a limited amount of power. "We're working hard to restore complete power to him," Hannemann said.

Power was fully restored to Obama at 6 a.m. the next morning. He had been without power for 11 hours.

"Thank God the ordeal is over!" said the Rev. James Walsh of Chicago United Methodist Church. "Now we can all stop praying and get some sleep."

Headlines around the Internet included "Obama back in power," "Power restored to Obama," and "U.S. coup attempt fails."

Report: Thousands of Indians suffer from BNS

DELHI -- In the aftermath of the Mumbai terrorist attacks, doctors around India have treated thousands of people suffering from a new ailment called BNS or 'Breaking News' Syndrome. It primarily affects viewers of CNN-IBN and NDTV, causing many of them to walk around in a dazed state, the words 'Breaking News' flashing across their eyes.

"They have been watching the news nonstop," said Dr. Vikas Bose of Bose Clinic. "Every few seconds, the words 'Breaking News' appear on the screen and eventually the words become embedded in their brains. It's like a soldier returning from war and being unable to see anything else but the terrible carnage."

Doctors at Apollo Hospital treated one man who kept rubbing his eyes, trying desperately to stop the two words from flashing. "We had to sedate him and then apply a topical ointment to his eyes," said Dr. Mahesh Das. "It seems to have worked, but the man is now rubbing his ears, saying that he keeps hearing Sagarika Ghose's voice."

The most unusual case was recorded in Calcutta, where a man named Gopalakrishnan complained that the word "breaking" was flashing in his left eye and "news" in his right eye. "I'm not sure how it happened," he said. "Perhaps I should not have been sitting so close to the TV."

A woman in Chennai reported that her husband woke up in the middle of the night screaming, "Breaking News! Breaking News! Breaking News!"

"I couldn't get him to stop," said the middle-aged woman, who requested anonymity. "I tried everything. Then finally my son suggested that I put CNN-IBN on. And do you know what my husband did? He got a brick and shattered the TV screen. I think he thought he was breaking the news!"

Report: Mumbai attacks test Pakistan's new ministry

ISLAMABAD -- The terrorist attacks on Mumbai have put the spotlight on a new ministry created by Pakistan Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gillani: the Ministry of Denial.

So far, the ministry has performed beyond expectations, according to a senior government official. "The Prime Minister is very happy," the official said. "The ministry issued 2,385 denials in the first 24 hours alone."

So efficient was the ministry that it issued the first denial five minutes before the attacks took place.

Asked how that was possible without foreknowledge, the government official said, "It is the time difference. We are 30 minutes ahead of Mumbai."

Denying responsibility for terrorist attacks in India has become such a regular task for Pakistani officials in recent years that Gillani decided in October to create the new ministry. The Mumbai attacks were the first major test for the ministry, which responded by not only faxing and emailing press releases to the media, but also creating a "Pakistan didn't do it" group on Facebook.

S.M. Qureshi, Minister of Denial, was also interviewed on CNN and other networks, wearing a cap that said, "No, we didn't."

He took exception to Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's statement that the attacks had originated outside the country. "The Indian government should not jump to any conclusions," Qureshi said. "And they should not run or walk to any conclusions either."

He said India should carry out a thorough investigation before pointing fingers at anyone. "We hope it will be good investigation," he said. "They should take their time and, whatever happens, not get any help from Scotland Yard."

Noting that a group called Deccan Mujahideen has claimed responsibility for the attacks, Qureshi said, "I urge all western journalists to look at the map. They will find out that Pakistan and Deccan are as far apart as Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston."

Experts say that the scale and sophistication of the attacks suggest that a group outside India may have co-ordinated them. "Our Mujahideen are not that sophisticated," Qureshi said. "All they know how to do is plant bombs and bomb plants. That's about it."

Only in America

I was speaking to a friend about Barack Obama's victory, the once-unimaginable milestone of an African-American making it to the White House.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America."

I told him that Peru elected a man of Japanese descent as President in 1990, the first Latin American country to be ruled by a person of East Asian descent.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America and Peru."

I told him that India elected a woman as Prime minister as early as 1966 and is now ruled by a Sikh man, with a woman of Italian descent chairing the ruling party.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru and India."

I told him that Guyana elected a man of Chinese descent as president in 1970, making him the first ethnic Chinese president of a non-Asian country. Guyana also elected a woman as president in 1997.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru, India and Guyana."

I told him that Pakistan elected a woman as Prime Minister in 1988, making her the first woman elected to lead a Muslim country. 

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru, India, Guyana and Pakistan."

Report: Obama caught in India-Pakistan rivalry

DELHI -- U.S. President-elect Barack Obama may be making a smooth transition into the White House, but his foray into South Asian politics has been anything but smooth.

Indian officials were miffed that soon after winning the election Obama called 15 world leaders, including Pakistan's Asif Ali Zardari, but did not call Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. "Zardari but not Dr. Singh?" a baffled government official said. "That's like giving a kiss to the farmer's cat, but not the farmer's daughter."

Sources say that Singh sat beside his phone all day on Nov. 5, hoping to hear from Obama. He finally received a call from America the next day, but unfortunately it was someone offering  him a free cruise to the Caribbean.

Obama tried to rectify his error by calling Singh several days later. The leaders had a friendly chat and their relationship seemed to be on good footing. But behind the scenes, Indian officials expressed their displeasure.  "Mr. Obama spoke to Mr. Zardari for 20 minutes," said another official. "But he spoke to Dr. Singh for only 19 minutes 50 seconds."

Obama apparently failed to time his call and ended it a little too soon. "Ten seconds may not seem like a lot," the official said, "but that would have been enough time for Mr. Obama and Dr. Singh to review the accomplishments of the Bush Administration. They'd even have a few seconds left to discuss outsourcing."

Reached for comment, Obama adviser David Axelrod said the President-elect would make it a point to speak to Dr. Singh 10 seconds longer next time. "The President didn't mean to give Mr. Zardari more time," Axelrod said. "It's just that he can say 'India' a second faster than he says 'Pakistan.'"

Kenyans hope to benefit from Obama's leadership

NAIROBI, KENYA -- A group of Kenyan leaders have started a petition to persuade U.S. President-elect Barack Obama, whose father was Kenyan and who has many relatives in Kenya, to serve as Kenya's president at the same time.

"We heard that he plans to fix America's economy," said Joseph Wambui, president of an organization called KNOB (Kenya Needs Obama Badly). “We want him to fix Kenya’s economy too.”

Almost 50 percent of Kenyans live in poverty, many of them unable to afford basic necessities. "We heard that Obama is the leader of the free world,” said Elizabeth Mbaru, a mother of three. “But there is nothing free in the world. We don't have money to buy it."

Wambui believes that Obama would have no trouble governing Kenya from Washington D.C., especially in the Internet Age. “We are a small country,” Wambui said. “He will be in charge of 50 states, so why not 51?”

Obama is believed to have 1,432 relatives in Kenya, twice as many as he did before he won the election. According to Wambui, Obama can boost Kenya's economy simply by wiring money to all his relatives for Christmas. "That would be a small step," Wambui said. "But if he's our president, we hope he will think of each of us as his relatives."

Many of Obama's relatives plan to attend his inauguration on Jan. 20. “Yes, we will definitely come,” said Anthony Obama, a sixth cousin. “I heard he has a big house. The rooms are so big, we can play football in them."

Added James Obama, a ninth cousin: "Please tell Brother Obama that we are looking forward to travelling in Air Force One. I want a window seat.”

Obama is so popular in Kenya that the country declared a national holiday on Nov. 6 to celebrate his election victory. No other country did so, though French President Nicolas Sarkozy did permit government employees to bring champagne to work.

Obama's victory put Kenyans into such a good mood that the government issued a warning to all hospitals to expect a baby boom in nine months. Many of those babies will be named after Obama and his wife, Michelle. Numerous babies have already been named after the couple. A Mombasa woman named her twins "Barack Obama" and "Michelle Obama," saying the names were just perfect for her boys.

A woman in northern Kenya, hearing that Obama will be the 44th president of America, named her baby daughter "Forty Four," while a Nakuru couple named their baby son "Defeat McCain."

Oh Mama, it's President Obama!

As the results trickled in, the tears trickled down. Millions of faces glistened with tears on election night. There were tears of joy, as many Americans celebrated Barack Obama's historic victory; tears of sorrow, as many Americans lamented John McCain's loss; tears of gratitude, as many Americans got down on their knees and thanked God that the presidential race was finally over.

"No more negative ads, no more debates, no more promises they can't keep!" screamed a 40-year-old Detroit man, running into the street in jubilation. "And no more red and blue maps on TV!"

For African-Americans, especially those who had lived through the Civil Rights Era, it was a once-in-ten-lifetimes occasion, one that seemed unimaginable just a couple of years ago. "I don't believe it, I just don't believe it," said an 80-year-old Chicago man, rubbing his eyes. "A black man in the White House! And he's not carrying a broom!"

New poll: McCain leads in 39 states

NEW YORK -- A new poll shows that John McCain leads Barack Obama in 39 states, but unfortunately for McCain, most of those states are outside America. In the Indian state of Gujarat, McCain holds a commanding 59-38 lead over Obama, thanks largely to an endorsement from Chief Minister Narendra Modi.

The poll, conducted by the right-leaning advocacy group, Global Think, and released less than a week before the presidential election, indicates that McCain enjoys pockets of popularity around the world. Though the vast majority of the 3,461 people polled can't vote in the Nov. 4 election, the results surprised political analysts, many of whom believed that Obama would be more popular than McCain in almost every country.

The McCain Campaign, searching desperately for any glimmer of hope that the Arizona senator can pull off an upset next Tuesday, touted the poll results as a sign that McCain was finally breaking through.

"Our message is reaching every corner of the world," said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds. "We believe that the good people of Pennsylvania and Ohio will support Senator McCain on Tuesday as strongly as people in Gujarat and Madhya Pradesh do."

In addition to the two Indian states, McCain enjoys strong support in China, Russia, North Korea, Turkmenistan and Antarctica.

The Obama campaign downplayed the poll results, accusing Global Think of deliberately surveying people in countries or states where McCain was likely to be popular. "There are 54 countries in Africa," Obama spokesman Bill Burton said, "but somehow the only one surveyed was Central African Republican. I mean, Republic."

While no Africa-wide polls have been conducted, the Kenyan newspaper, Daily Nation, surveyed 1,000 people in early October and found that 999 supported Obama. The sole McCain supporter was a man named Josiah Mbacho, who had once been involved in a fight over homebrewed beer with Obama's second cousin Suleiman Obama.

Column: John McCain loses an important constituency

Senator John McCain spent much of the third and final presidential debate insisting that Senator Barack Obama's tax plan, unlike his, would hurt an Ohio man named "Joe the Plumber." But McCain suffered a major setback in his bid for the presidency when, moments after the debate, Joe the Plumber endorsed Obama.

"I don't approve of Senator Obama's tax plan," Joe the Plumber told the New York Times, "but I love the way he talks about it. He just expresses himself so well."

One political analyst called it a fatal blow for McCain's campaign, saying he'd be unable to recover from losing Joe the Plumber's vote. "It's over," proclaimed CNN analyst David Gergen. "It looks like Joe the Plumber has made sure that we'll soon see Joe the Vice President."

A Gallup/USA Today poll, taken right after the debate, found that 53 percent of likely voters plan to cast their ballots for Obama, 41 percent for McCain and the remaining 6 percent for Joe the Plumber. "It's unbelievable," Gergen said. "He's in third place and hasn't spent a dime. He's beating the pants off Ralph Nader."

Protesters called names at Republican Convention

ST. PAUL, Minn. -- John McCain's acceptance speech Thursday night at the Republican National Convention was interrupted a few times by protesters, including one obviously unemployed man holding a sign that said, "You can't win with an occupation."

As the protesters shouted, the crowd tried to drown out their words with chants of "USA, USA!" At least that's how it appeared to the television audience. But one delegate has admitted that he and his friends weren't being patriotic at all.

"People thought we were chanting, 'USA, USA!'" said John Melnick of Philadelphia. "But we were actually yelling, 'You assh---! You assh---!' We weren't happy with those protesters."

The three protesters -- one man and two women -- were promptly escorted out of the hall by security officers, but not before one of them hurled the ultimate insult at McCain: "You're just like Bush!"

McCain smiled and said to his supporters, "My friends, my dear friends ... please, please don't be diverted by the ground noise and the static," showing his many years of experience being interviewed on public radio.

Reporters tried to ask McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds about the protests, but Bounds put his fingers in his ears and chanted, "USA! USA! USA!"

Lie detector beeps continuously during political speeches

SAN FRANCISCO -- Technology is a good thing, but not when it keeps you from enjoying one of your passions. Just ask Arun Ramachandran, a technology whiz from India who enjoys politics. Combining his interests, he developed a special political lie detector (PLD) that beeps every time a politician tells a lie.

"I tried to sit down and enjoy the Republican National Convention, but the PLD kept beeping like there was a truck outside backing up," Ramachandran said. "Finally, my wife told me to turn it off. We were unable to enjoy any of the speeches."

Ramachandran's device is connected to a computer and scours the Internet for information that supports or contradicts a politician's statements. "Every home should have one of these," Ramachandran said. "But I'll first have to develop a PLD that just vibrates, because many wives are not going to put up with all the beeping."

When he developed the device, Ramachandran thought it would beep just once or twice during a political speech, but found that it was "as sensitive as a nun." He has since added a sensitivity setting. Users can adjust it to detect lies in four categories: (1) exaggerations; (2) fibs; (3) falsehoods; (4) total and utter BS.

"When it detects a Category 4 lie, as it did when Mike Huckabee said that Sarah Palin 'got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States,' it doesn't just beep," Ramachandran said, "it also screams 'Liar, liar, your pants are on fire.'"

Indeed, as Jim Kuhnhenn of the Associated Press wrote: "Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries."

The PLD also beeped loudly when Palin said, "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

"I'm going to have to adjust the PLD, because it considered Palin's statement a Category 3 lie," Ramachandran said. "But as we all know, it was total and utter BS."

The PLD also beeped during the Democratic National Convention, detecting a Category 4 lie when Barack Obama said that John McCain would not lower taxes for 100 million Americans while he would cut taxes for "95 percent of working families."

Said Ramachandran: "Whether it's a Republican speaking or a Democrat speaking, one thing is clear: you're going to hear a lot of BS."

McCain shocks America with running mate choice

DAYTON, OHIO -- In a move that stunned political experts, Republican presidential candidate John McCain announced Friday morning that he had chosen Sarah Polley as his running mate. The announcement sent shock waves through America, as politicians and others turned to their colleagues and said, "Who the $%#@ is that?"

Many were soon googling the name "Sarah Polley" and reading her Wikipedia page. They were surprised to learn that Polley is an actress and director with hardly any political experience. Even more stunning was the fact that Polley is a Canadian. Millions of people turned to Google again, asking, "Can a Canadian become vice president of America?"

As political experts debated on CNN whether McCain was trying to strengthen ties with America's northern neighbor, McCain issued a retraction, saying he had meant to say "Sarah Palin," not "Sarah Polley." Palin is the Republican governor of Alaska.

"It was an easy mistake to make," McCain said. "Their names sound alike and they've both got experience freezing their butts up north."

The choice of Palin sent more shock waves through America, as politicians and others turned to their colleagues and said, "Who the $%#@ is that?"

McCain had been considering such political veterans as Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, but said he wanted to pick someone who would give him an edge over Barack Obama, someone who was "younger and cuter."

Picking a female running mate may help McCain lure Hillary Clinton's supporters, many of whom have been slow to commit to Obama. "Of course, I want support from female voters," McCain said. "But that's not why I chose Sarah Polley. I mean, Pollen. No, hang on a minute ... let me double-check the name and get back to you."

Meanwhile, Polley said she had been "thrilled to bits" when she heard from news reporters that McCain had picked her, only to be let down a couple of hours later.

"It's disheartening," she said. "But it isn't the first time I've lost a role that I thought I had."

Column: The shot heard around the world

In case you missed the news, in case you were sleeping under a rock or just got released from Guantanamo, India won its first-ever individual gold medal at the Beijing Olympics, causing 1.1 billion people to jump up and down with joy, touching off a minor earthquake in California and a major interruption in tech support.

Yes, an Indian man won an Olympic gold medal -- and without all his opponents getting injured. Abhinav Bindra, a 25-year-old from Delhi, won first place in the 10m air rifle event, beating 50 other shooters, including that great Albanian marksman Imer Gudschot.

So excited were members of the Indian Olympic Association, so taken in this moment of high-fives and champagne-popping, that some of them checked the official medal table to see if India had moved past America. No such luck, of course, but that didn't stop people from celebrating like it was the greatest Olympic achievement ever. And who can blame them? After all, it was their first individual gold medal since India began competing in the Olympics more than a century ago, back in the days when "catapulting" was an official sport.

"The drought is over!" screamed one newspaper's headline, causing even more celebration across the land, particularly in the farming community.

It was a shining moment for India on the world's greatest sporting stage. As one Indian politician eloquently put it, “Abhinav Bindra has shooted us all into glory!”

Rushdie: Let democracy reign

NEW YORK, July 11 (MNN) -- Salman Rushdie, who has just won the Best of the Booker prize through online and text voting, says he now believes all literary contests should be determined by public voting. "It has worked well for American Idol," he said. "I don't see why it shouldn't work for the Booker and Pulitzer prizes. We need to accept that we live in an increasingly democratic world, filled with people who know fine literature when they see it."

Rushdie's novel "Midnight's Children" beat five other shortlisted books, all former Booker winners, after garnering 36 percent of the votes cast by 7,801 people. Observers believe that Rushdie had a big advantage over the other authors, partly because he was able to convince all his ex-wives to vote for him.

"If he was able to do that, he deserves to win," said CNN host Larry King, who has been married seven times. "I can't even get my ex-wives to take my calls."

John Shaw, a book reviewer who had thrown his support behind another shortlisted book, JM Coetzee's "Disgrace," called the entire contest a disgrace. "I'm sure there was some vote-rigging going on," Shaw said, accusing Rushdie of getting tips from Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe. "There's always a risk of that. That's why I wanted Jimmy Carter to oversee the voting."

Book publisher David Putnam, who supported JG Farrell's "The Siege Of Krishnapur," urged Booker prize administrators to reveal how many of Rushdie's votes came from India. "I have nothing against India," he said, "but there are more than a billion people there, many of whom have cell phones and internet access. Rushdie would be guaranteed to win any contest if he just received votes from one percent of all guys named 'Salman'"

He noted that Rushdie's candidacy for the Best of the Booker prize had been promoted on a number of websites created in India, including GoRushdie.com, VoteEarlyVoteOften.com and Vote4MyUncleSalman.com.

Putnam and others believe the voting was particularly unfair to Farrell, who wasn't able to canvass for votes, largely because he happens to be dead. "I couldn't arrange any special appearances or book signings for him," Putnam said. "Unfortunately, very few people participated in our 'Visit a Famous Author's Grave' tour."

Mandeep Singh, professor of literature at University of Punjab, Philadelphia Campus (UPPC), said he hopes no other literary prize is determined through public voting. "It may seem like a good idea," he said, "but do we really want to entrust such decisions to the same people who re-elected George W. Bush?"

Amitava Ghosh, assistant professor of English at Penn State University, agreed with Singh. "Nobody is really too upset about Rushdie winning the Best of the Booker award," he said, "but imagine what everyone will say when John Grisham is awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature."

Breaking news: Nader agrees to run against Mugabe

As world leaders call on President Robert Mugabe to postpone Zimbabwe's upcoming election, following the withdrawal of his only opponent, Ralph Nader has agreed to run against Mugabe.

Nader's unexpected candidacy will help restore some credibility to the election, experts say. "It's a win-win situation," said Simon Ndlovu, political science professor at New York University. "Mugabe needed someone to run against. And Nader has always wanted to expand his presidential campaign to other countries."

The election was meant to be a runoff between Mugabe and opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai. But Tsvangirai withdrew from the race earlier this week, citing widespread violence against his supporters. Mugabe, facing criticism from Queen Elizabeth, Nelson Mandela and others, is believed to have reached out to Nader privately.

Nader ran for U.S. president in 1992, 1996, 2000 and 2004, and intends to run again this year, unless he is elected president of Zimbabwe.

Speaking at a press conference, the 74-year-old denied that he was a token candidate, stressing his intention to win the election. Referring to Mugabe as "the old man," Nader said he would bring a "fresh, youthful perspective" to the presidency.

Asked to distinguish himself from Mugabe, Nader was blunt: "My head isn't in the sand."

Noting that Mugabe has ruled Zimbabwe for 28 years, Nader promised to introduce term limits. "In America, presidents are limited to two terms or eight years," he said. "But Zimbabwe, as we all know, is plagued with inflation."

Nader has received a powerful endorsement in his bid to unseat Mugabe: Barack Obama. "Let me just say this," Obama said at a campaign stop in Detroit. "Nothing would make me happier than to see Ralph Nader elected as president of Zimbabwe. I think we can all agree that he would be an improvement over Robert Mugabe. It would be a great outcome for Zimbabwe and, obviously, a great outcome for America."

Indian-Americans Riot in Chicago, Houston and Atlanta

Workers in several cities around America, including Chicago, Houston and Atlanta, are picking up broken glass and other debris after thousands of Indian-Americans rioted over the weekend, celebrating 13-year-old Sameer Mishra's win in the National Spelling Bee.

"We've waited three years. Three long years," said Raj Bompalli, a 22-year-old college student who, along with four friends, set fire to a car on Devon Avenue in Chicago. "I just can't describe how happy I am."

"The spelling bee is our Super Bowl," said Abraham George, 27, who was so overjoyed, he ran through downtown Atlanta wearing nothing at all. "And we won it for the sixth time in ten years. Can you spell 'dynasty'?"

A large group of Indian-Americans gathered outside the Grand Hyatt in Washington D.C., where the spelling bee was held. They waved pictures of Mishra and past spelling bee champions, while singing, "We are the champions! We are the champions ... of the world!"

A young man named Mike Reddy took off his T-shirt to show his back tattooed with the names of former spelling bee champions. One name, that of 1988 winner Rageshree Ramachandran, went all the way around his body. On the left side of his chest was a drawing of 1999 champion Nupur Lala. "I love Nupur," he said. "As you can see, she's close to my heart."

This was the second time Indian-Americans have rioted to celebrate a spelling bee victory. They also rioted in 1999 when Lala won, ending a 11-year drought. "That's why we love Nupur so much," Reddy said. "She is the one who brought us back to the top. She's the one who returned us to glory."

Indeed, Lala was the first of six Indian-American winners over the last decade, with the biggest gap coming between Mishra and 2005 winner Anurag Kashyap. "We've really been spoiled," said Dr. Anil Jain, an ophthalmologist in Houston. "Every year, we expect to win. We're like the Kenyans in the marathon."

He noted that after the 2006 spelling bee, CNN ran a crawl that said: "Breaking News: Indian-American Doesn't Win Spelling Bee."

Chicago Police spokesman David McLoud said the riots would have been worse if the police hadn't been prepared for it. "We remember what happened in '99," he said. "That's why, whenever the National Spelling Bee comes around, we have a police presence in all the Indian neighborhoods."

Even so, police had to arrest more than a hundred Indian-American youths for vandalism. They used tear gas to break up a group of elderly women who were causing a disturbance at 1 a.m., banging chapathi pans together.

"It may look bad," McLoud said, "but let me tell you, the Spelling Bee Riots of 2008 were nothing compared to the Spelling Bee Riots of '99."

Week in Review: Prince Harry, Whoopi and Cotillard

After the Drudge Report website broke the news that Prince Harry was fighting in Afghanistan, the British military abruptly withdrew him from the combat zone, fearing that he might be targeted. The 23-year-old called the move a "shame," saying it was the first time in his life he had experienced "early withdrawal." The prince is third in line to the British throne, but after returning home, he was first in line to the bathroom.

Whoopi Goldberg was hurt that the Academy Awards left her out of a montage that featured previous Oscar hosts. "Undoubtedly I pissed somebody off yet again," she said on The View. Her co-hosts seemed rather upset, particularly Barbara Walters, who had never heard anyone use the word "pissed" on TV before.

While using a toilet on a train in India, a woman gave birth to a baby girl , then apparently lost consciousness, allowing the baby to fall through the hole in the toilet onto the tracks below. The baby miraculously survived the fall and was rescued. The mother has not yet named the baby, but it's believed that she's strongly considering the name Latrina.

French actress Marion Cotillard, who just won the best actress Oscar, may soon get another award: best conspiracy theorist. In an interview she apparently gave a year ago, she cast doubts on both 9/11 and the 1969 moon landing. Of the latter, she asked, "Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of  documentaries on it and I really wondered." Meanwhile, Neil Armstrong has a question of his own: "Did she really win an Oscar? I saw plenty of news stories on it and I really wondered."

Presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned furiously in Texas and Ohio, while presumptive Republican Party nominee John McCain, in an effort to get more minority votes, spent the week at Miami Beach, trying to get a tan. Obama, hoping to quash Internet rumors that he's a Muslim, said during a town hall meeting in Ohio: "I pray to Jesus every night." Then he paused and added: "Let me just clarify: I'm talking about the Jesus of Christianity, not the Prophet Jesus of Islam.

Robert and Tonya Harris, a middle-aged Georgia couple who lived in a trailer, won $275 million in the Mega Millions jackpot. A few days after winning the money, Tonya was spotted in the grocery store, buying drinks and laundry detergent. "We're not gonna change," she said. "We're gonna be the same people, just washing our clothes more often."

Week in Review: Booker, Obama and Fahim

Here's a quick roundup of the week's news:

It's the 40th anniversary of the Booker Prize and, as part of the celebration, they've decided to hand out a Best of the Booker award this year. Among the contenders for the award are Arundhati Roy, author of The God of Small Things (1997) and Salman Rushdie, author of Midnight's Children. Back in 1993, on the 25th anniversary of the prestigious literary award, Rushdie's novel was selected as the Booker of Bookers, setting the stage for Heather Locklear to be selected as the Looker of Lookers and Heidi Fleiss to be selected as the Hooker of Hookers.

Barack Obama cruised to his 11th straight victory over Hillary Clinton in the race to be the Democratic Party's presidential nominee. Obama not only triumphed in Hawaii and Wisconsin, he won the Democrats Abroad primary, as well as the Democrats Underground and Democrats in Outer Space primaries. Clinton did have one victory though, edging out Obama in the Democrats Committed primary.

Republican candidate John McCain spent much of the week denying he had an affair with a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. "At no time have I ever done anything improper," McCain said. Democratic Party spokesman Mike Davis immediately called him a liar and demanded that he explain why he pulled a little girl's hair in kindergarten.

Opposition parties shared a victory in Pakistan's general election, winning at least 154 of the 268 contested seats in the National Assembly. Veteran politician Makhdoom Amin Fahim, 68, is the favorite to become Pakistan's next prime minister, with many party leaders wearing buttons that say: "I'm Fahim. You're Fahim. We're all Fahim!"

The US Navy fired a missile and shot down an out-of-control spy satellite as it traveled over the Pacific Ocean, showing how amazingly precise military technology can be. "It's the type of technology we can use to shoot and kill Osama bin Laden," Navy spokesman John Roberts said. "All we need to do is find a way to get him into outer space."

Ralph Nader announced that he's running for president again as a third-party candidate, hoping to "shift the power from the few to the many." In 2000, Nader, running as a Green Party candidate, won 2.7 percent of the vote, siphoning votes away from Al Gore and bringing George W. Bush into power, causing many Democrats to loathe him and many Republicans to conclude, quite logically, that Nader was responsible for starting the Iraq War. Nader fared worse in 2004, when he ran as an independent candidate and garnered only 0.3 percent of the vote, staging a campaign that received little media attention and mainly consisted of Nader traveling around the country to make speeches in front of members of his extended family.

Photo by Wignut

Report: Obama tells voters not to objectify him

NEW ORLEANS -- Frustrated that female voters aren't taking him seriously enough, presidential candidate Barack Obama delivered a special message to a group of young women who came to a campaign rally with signs that said "Oh mama, I'm in love with Obama" and "Stand Back! I want Barack!"

"Please pay attention to the issues, ladies," Obama said, waving a finger at them. "I am not a sex object."

The women, all students at LSU, seemed undeterred. "I can't believe he spoke to us," one of them gushed to a reporter. "He's so cute!"

Said another: "I don't know what he said to us, but he looked good doing it."

As he attempts to win the Democratic presidential nomination, Obama must convince female voters that he can represent their interests better than Hillary Clinton. Polls show that the majority of women support Clinton, but Obama scores high among young women, who consider him a good candidate partly because of his "great smile," as well as women in their sixties and seventies, who say they want to "pinch his cheeks."

"It's a race between a man and a woman," said political analyst Joel Klein, "but who would have thought it would be the man who's being objectified?"

The extent to which Obama is being objectified is unclear, but CNN reporter John King did get some answers during a focus group with several female voters.

"Do you think Barack Obama is electable?" King asked a 60-year-old Illinois woman named Marge Brensinger.

"Electable?" she said. "He's not just electable, he's delectable."

"Do you think Obama is qualified to be president?" King asked a 25-year-old Maryland woman named Neeta Gulati.

"Of course," she said. "He looks good in a suit. Damn good."

"But what about the issues?" King asked.

"Well, he voted against the war in Iraq and he's cute."

"He's cute? Why is that important?"

"Well, if we elect him president, my friends and I are actually going to watch the State of the Union address. He's very watchable."

"Very true," Brensinger said. "I could watch him all day."

"What about experience?" King asked a 40-year-old Iowa woman named Jill Stewart.

"I'm sure he's very experienced," she said. "But you'll have to ask his wife about that."

Photo by Peter Howe

Report: Indian-Americans make their mark in another field

The Indian-American community has finally arrived, says a leading sociologist, and it’s not because Bobby Jindal was elected governor of Louisiana or Sanjaya was a finalist on American Idol. Nor is it because Indian-Americans have excelled in fields such as medicine, engineering and business.

The true sign that the Indian-American community has arrived is that it’s making a mark in a field that gets plenty of media exposure: crime. “More Indian-Americans are involved in criminal activity than ever before,” says Jacob George, sociologist at Harvard University. “Obviously, it won’t be seen as a positive sign, but it shows that Indian-Americans are not just sitting back and allowing other communities to grab all the empty spaces in prison.”

As a result, Americans are now seeing more Indian names in newspapers, he said. “It’s not just names like Vick and Peterson in the crime stories,” George said. “It’s also names like Crookmansingh and Embezzleraman.”

In the ’70s and ’80s, when an Indian-American was involved in crime, it was often unintentional, George said. “It was usually a new immigrant who didn’t know the laws of the land,” he said. “Perhaps it was an office worker who thought it was okay to take the stapler home. Or maybe it was an office manager who thought it was okay to take the secretary home.”

These days, Indian-Americans are more deliberate about their crimes, George said. “They work very hard at planning and executing it,” he said. “I’m sure no one is surprised to hear this, but when it comes to criminal activity, Indian-Americans are very ambitious. They don’t bother with petty crimes like shoplifting and burglary. They commit crimes that will put them in either financial security or maximum security for the rest of their lives.”

He cited the example of Balram Chandiramani, a director in New York City’s transportation department who’s been charged with soliciting hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes. “It may seem like a terrible crime,” George said, “but how many Indian-Americans can say they’ve been on the front page of the New York Post?”

Even leaders of the Indian-American community are not exempt from committing crimes, George said, noting that Maryland state legislator Kumar Barve has been charged with driving under the influence. “Don’t forget that George W. Bush committed the same crime  many years ago,” he said. “So perhaps Barve is just preparing himself for higher office.”

Report: Indian-American couple arrested for suspicious activity

CHICAGO, Dec. 20 -- Chicago police have arrested an Indian-American couple on suspicion of being terrorists after they turned each other in for suspicious activity.

Police Superintendent J.P. "Jody" Weis announced the arrest at a press conference in City Hall, calling it a "victory" for the Bureau of Strategic Deployment. The bureau had issued a Winter Holiday Public Awareness Bulletin that urged citizens to call 911 if they spotted "suspect activities," including "Physical Surveillance (note taking, binocular use, cameras, video, maps)".

Balaji "Bill" Parameswaran and his wife, Beena, were picked up on Devon Avenue by the bureau's Fast Response Tactical Unit after Beena called 911 to report that her husband had been using his binoculars to look at buildings. According to a police report, Balaji denied he was looking at buildings and said his wife was angry because he was "scoping babes."

While being handcuffed, Balaji told officers that they should arrest Beena too, because she had been using a map to find "important buildings." Officers searched Beena and found a map of Chicago in her possession, with a section of Devon Avenue highlighted and the word "dosa" penciled in. Police believe that the couple are members of a militant organization called DOSA (Desis Organized for Secret Attacks). The group has been tied to several attacks on restaurants in Washington D.C.

"We do not know what caused them to turn each other in," Weis said. "Perhaps they were having a domestic dispute. But there's no doubt in my mind that without the bulletin, we wouldn't have reeled them in." He added that Devon Avenue, known for its many ethnic stores and restaurants, was a potential target area because "it's as populated as India on weekends."

He denied a CNN report that the couple would be turned over to the CIA and might be in danger of being waterboarded, saying that since it was winter, they were more likely to be "snowboarded." He said they might also be deported to India. But the Parameswaran's attorney, John Gilliam, said that deportation was unlikely because "if that happens, they would become the first U.S.-born citizens to be deported to a foreign country."

Meanwhile, hundreds of people marched down Devon Avenue to protest the arrest of the Parameswarans. The leader of the group, a young Indian-American man, called the arrest a "security perversity" and demanded that the Parameswarans be released immediately. "They are not a threat to anyone," said the man, who declined to give his name, citing security concerns. "We think this is another example of ..."

Our reporter on the scene could not write down the entire quote, as he was arrested himself for note-taking.

From Wal-Mart Walkway to Botox Exit

Winnipeg’s Richardson International Airport will soon become the first in Canada to sell the naming rights of terminals, gates and parking garages. –- Winnipeg Free Press, Dec. 16, 2007.

***

It was -30C on a blustery December morning in 2010, but I felt the warmth of the city as I stepped off the plane, strode down Wal-Mart Walkway and saw a sign that said, “Ronald McDonald welcomes you to Winnipeg.”

Though I had been gone only a couple of days, it felt good to be back. I whistled softly as I entered the Triaminic Terminal of Richardson International Airport through Gerber’s Gate C, pausing briefly to admire the Metamucil Mural. I suddenly felt regular and had to make a stop at the Western Union Washroom.

It was a busy day at the airport and there was a short line at Uniroyal Urinal. But I was relieved to find a vacancy at Safeway Stall. I need to buy safer tires, I said to myself, as I sat down on Tostitos Toilet.

After washing my hands at Subway Sink and rubbing them under Domino’s Dryer, I walked briskly to the Boston Pizza Baggage Claim Area. My two suitcases were already on the Canadian Tire Carousel and I was pleased to see they hadn’t been damaged by any of the People Bank Workers.

I put my luggage on a Taste of India Cart and pushed it into the Electrolux Elevator, suddenly feeling the urge to fill the vacuum in my stomach with some rice and curry.

I got off at the Gmail Ground Level, pushed the cart down Chester Fried Chicken Concourse and went through the American Express Automatic Doors, which reminded me that I needed to send an email to my American friend Chester.

As I approached the Plastic Surgery Associates Parking Garage, I tried to remember where I had parked my car. Was it in the Rhinoplasty Section or the Hippoplasty Section? I decided to try Rhinoplasty and was lucky enough to spot my car at the end of Tummy Tuck Row.

After loading my suitcases, I drove to the Botox Exit and paid for the parking at the Liposuction Pay Station. It gave me a receipt and, as I drove away, I turned it over and smiled. It said, “Your ad here.”

(This piece appeared, in slightly different form, in the Winnipeg Free Press.)

Report: George Allen embroiled in monkey controversy

Former Virginia Senator George Allen is in trouble again, after a security camera inside a Dunkin' Donuts store caught him saying to a friend, "€œIndia is full of unruly monkeys."

Buddhadev "œBuddy" Patel, owner of the store in Charlottesville, Va., said he had been reviewing the video on Nov. 20 to see if customers were taking too many napkins when he spotted Allen in the store. "I recognized him immediately -“- the man who called one of us a macaca," said Patel, referring to the racial slur that derailed Allen's bid for re-election in 2006. "€œThe audio wasn't clear, so I took it to one of my friends who is a lip reader. And sure enough, Allen was calling us unruly monkeys."

Allen'€™s words sparked an uproar in the Indian-American community, as well as scattered protests in India. "€œHow dare he call us monkeys?" Atlanta resident Rajan "œRoger" Sankaraman said. "œDo monkeys know how to program computers? Do monkeys know how to prescribe medicine? Do monkeys know how to prepare chapatis?"

Niraj Joshi, president of the National Federation of Indian-American Federations, demanded that Allen apologize on national TV. "œWe would call for his resignation,"€ Joshi said, "œbut he has nothing to resign from."

Report: Musharraf imposes penalty on himself

RAWALPINDI, PAKISTAN, Nov. 14 -- President Pervez Musharraf, in a move that he says reinforces his commitment to restoring democracy in this embattled nation, on Tuesday put himself under house arrest.

"I am not above the law," Musharraf said, standing behind barbed wire that had been placed around his house in Rawalpindi.  "I am just like Mrs. Bhutto, but without all the cosmetic surgery."

Musharraf had faced criticism on Monday after he addressed a gathering of supporters in Lahore. "Why don't the rules of emergency apply to him?" opposition leader Benazir Bhutto said. "I have been under house arrest twice and on another occasion, the police threatened to confiscate my makeup kit. Why must we have double standards?"

Musharraf brushed off the criticism Monday evening, saying, "We may have double standards, but we are at least trying hard, under my leadership, to achieve triple standards."

But on Tuesday morning, after receiving a phone call from President George W. Bush, Musharraf decided to punish himself. He denied that Bush had twisted his arm. "There was no arm-twisting," he said, raising his voice in anger at a reporter's question. "No leg-twisting either. Please do not ask me about any other appendage."

President Bush praised Musharraf's action. "It shows that President Musharraf has a conscience," Bush said. "That's why he's a friend of America. He's a good, honorable man, who just happens to be a dictator."

Musharraf appeared to violate the house arrest Tuesday afternoon when he took off in a helicopter from the roof. But Ibrahim Khan, a police constable standing guard in front of the house, said the president had technically not done anything wrong.

"It is house arrest," Khan said, pointing at the barbed wire. "The house is still under arrest."

Report: Musharraf bares it all for Rice

Islamabad, Nov. 5 -- In a move that shocked Muslim clerics and others in this conservative country, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf appeared naked Monday night on the state-run Pakistan Television, calling it a "goodwill gesture" to appease the United States and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Earlier that day, Rice had called for Musharraf to "take off his uniform" and return the country to civilian rule.

"I've taken off my uniform, Condi," Musharraf said. "I'm waiting for instructions from you on what I should wear."

While the camera scanned his body, Musharraf laughed and said, "I am a general and these are my privates." He paused, looked down and shouted, "Attention!"

Pakistanis expressed shock at their president's nudity. "I knew he was a small man," said one woman, who requested anonymity. "But I didn't realize he was that small."

"Three of my children were watching," said another woman. "They are in utter shock. One of them shouted, 'The general has no clothes.' I had to take them all to a doctor. I had told them television is bad for them, but I didn't know how bad."

Some political observers speculated that Musharraf was drunk, while others believe he was merely stressed out about the political crisis in his country.

"He just declared a state of emergency," said Shahid Ismail, a political science professor at the University of Texas. "And now, because of his nudity, many women and children are undergoing emergency treatment."

Several Muslim clerics called for the president's resignation, one of them referring to him as "President Pervert Musharraf."

"He has brought shame upon the whole nation," said Sheikh Abdul Saeed. "In Pakistan, we are used to being in a state of unrest, but definitely not a state of undress."

Political opponents also called for the general to step down.

"We have seen him naked," former prime minister Nawaz Sharif said, "and we are saying to him, 'So long, General Musharraf.' And we don't mean that as a compliment."

Meanwhile, in the province of Sindh, the headline in a local newspaper -- "Musharraf bares it all for Rice" -- prompted thousands of people to go on a riot, demanding that they be allowed to get naked for rice, too.

Report: Indians prepare for Jindal victory

Residents of Malerkotla, Punjab, are buying fireworks and preparing sweets, getting ready to celebrate Rep. Bobby Jindal’s likely victory in the Louisiana gubernatorial primary on Oct. 20.

“We will dance and party all night long,” said Kumar Jindal, first cousin of the Indian-American Congressman, whose parents hail from Malerkotla. “We have not been this excited since we got cable TV.”

The sole Republican candidate in Louisiana’s unique all-candidate primary, Jindal needs more than 50 percent to win the governorship and become the first Indian-American to head a state. He has such a large lead in the polls that analysts believe he will win the election even if President Bush comes to Louisiana to campaign for him.

“Louisiana doesn’t need any more disasters,” said one Democratic analyst, “but I have a feeling this is going to be a landslide.”

Added another analyst: “Thirteen people are challenging him in the election, but their chances of beating him are equal to Lou Dobbs’ chances of being appointed the ambassador to Mexico."