Nshima & Curry

Look out, it might be the end of the world

If you've been meaning to write a book, climb Mount Everest or do something else significant with your life, you'd better act fast. The world might soon be coming to an end. Of course, you probably already realized that, as soon as the swine flu outbreak hit the headlines. You've probably already made plans to attend the discussion at the Jehovah Witnesses' convention entitled "How to Survive the End of the World."

"We feel it is imminent," spokesman Richard Ferris said. "We can't really put a date on it, and the scriptures tell us that nobody knows days or hours, but we'll look at the signs as a theme of our convention and keep on the watch."

Jehovah Witnesses believe that while the apocalypse will be terrible for many, it will be the beginning of a better world for the faithful.

"The fighting against nations, we're seeing more earthquakes, you can look at the swine flu, all this, and it just points to the things that shows we are getting very close to what we feel is the end," Ferris said. [Link]

Fighting against nations, more earthquakes, swine flu ... if that doesn't convince you that the world is coming to an end, consider this: The Arizona Cardinals played in the Super Bowl!

Here are five other signs that the end might be near:

1.India won an individual Gold Medal at the Beijing Olympics.

2. Slumdog Millionaire won eight Oscars.

3. America elected a black president.

4. Michelle Obama put her arm around the Queen.

5. One of my daughters ate her vegetables.

Still working on the faith statement

I met the Rev. Manoj Ingle at a candlelight vigil in Winnipeg organized by the Tamil community. I googled him and found his church's website. I clicked on the "About Us" link and came across the church's faith statement:

New Hope Community Church of the Nazarene is a Christian faith community that believes:

• The Bible is the word of God
• All people are sinful and in need of a savior
• (more will go here)

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to find out what else they believe.

Wish I lived in Ohio

Gas prices keep rising, slowly but steadily. Meanwhile, my mom keeps telling me to be more religious. So what should I do? I've tried praying for lower gas prices, but that doesn't seem to do much good. If only I lived in Ohio.

XENIA, Ohio  —  With Easter approaching, a church in western Ohio plans to help people fill up and also hopes to help fill their spiritual needs.

This Saturday, Pastor Wesley Miller and his Xenia Christian Center will pay 25 cents of the price of every gallon of gas purchased at a local United Dairy Farmers convenience store.

Miller says by offering the deal, his church can promote its Easter services planned for the following weekend while helping those squeezed by the high cost of gasoline.

AAA's statewide average for a gallon of regular is now $3.37, just 3 cents below last year's record high.

The pastor says the church doesn't mind if people show up purely out of greed, because his congregation would like to reach them, too. [Link]

I wonder what kind of reaching out they'll be doing.

First church member: "How would you like to save?"

Driver: "I'd love to save! That's why I've been waiting in line."

Second church member: "How would you like to be saved?"

Driver: "Excuse me?"

Church member: "Do you know who else saves? Jesus does!"

Driver: "He was here too?"

Member: "No, what I mean is, Jesus saves souls.  We invite you to come to our Easter services and learn about the sacrifice he made for you and me."

Driver: "No thanks. I'm about to save three bucks. You're crazy if you think I'm going to come to your church and put it back in your collection plate!"

Photo by iotae

 

The kirpan and the Pope

It's tough to be an observant Sikh these days. If your turban isn't butting against the law, your kirpan (ceremonial dagger) is. You can't take it into the courthouse, you can't take it onto the plane with you, and you certainly can't take it within nine yards of the Pope.

WASHINGTON —  Sikh representatives will not participate in an interfaith meeting with Pope Benedict XVI during his U.S. visit next month because the Secret Service won't allow them to wear a ceremonial dagger that members of the Eastern religion must carry.

Sikhs had been invited to join other religious leaders for a 45-minute meeting with Benedict on April 17 in Washington to express a shared commitment to peace. But the Secret Service would not allow the Sikhs to carry a kirpaan, which resembles a small sword or dagger.

The kirpaan "represents the Sikh commitment to resist oppression and injustice" and is to be carried "only in a defensive posture and never to initiate confrontation," according to the World Sikh Council-America Region.       

"We have to respect the sanctity of the kirpaan, especially in such interreligious gatherings," Anahat Kaur, secretary general of the Sikh Council, said in a statement. "We cannot undermine the rights and freedoms of religion in the name of security." [Link]

It's a shame that they're being kept from the Pope over an object that, according to Stephen Jenuth, president of the Alberta Civil Liberties Association, "really has no utility as a weapon." Sikhs usually keep the kirpan in a sheath under their clothes, so all the Secret Service needs to do is send the Sikh representatives a note: "We understand your concerns and we've decided to allow you to wear your kirpans into the meeting with the Pope, as long as you agree to keep your hands in the namaste position at all times."

Oh my god, you're wanted in court

How powerful are judges in India? So powerful that they can get anyone to appear before them. Well, almost anyone.

A judge in India has summoned two Hindu gods, Ram and Hanuman, to help resolve a property dispute.

Judge Sunil Kumar Singh in the eastern state of Jharkhand has issued adverts in newspapers asking the gods to "appear before the court personally".

The gods have been asked to appear before the court on Tuesday, after the judge said that letters addressed to them had gone unanswered. [Link]

I wonder which newspapers he advertised in. Lord Ram and Hanuman wouldn't read Times of India or Indian Express, but they might read The Hindu. Singh would probably be successful if he used his computer to summon the gods. But the computer might not function without RAM.

Judge Singh presides in a "fast track" court  - designed to resolve disputes quickly - in the city of Dhanbad.

The dispute is now 20 years old and revolves around the ownership of a 1.4 acre plot of land housing two temples.

The deities of Ram and Hanuman, the monkey god, are worshipped at the two temples on the land.

Temple priest Manmohan Pathak claims the land belongs to him. Locals say it belongs to the two deities.

The two sides first went to court in 1987.

A few years ago, the dispute was settled in favour of the locals. Then Mr Pathak challenged the verdict in a fast track court. [Link]

A fast track court? If it's anything like the "fast track" at my local hospital, it's going to take another 20 years.

Judge Singh  sent out two notices to the deities, but they were returned as the addresses were found to be "incomplete".

This prompted him to put out adverts in local newspapers summoning the gods.

"You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are herby directed to appear before the court personally", Judge Singh's notice said. [Link]

Is that any way to speak to gods? More appropriate would be something like this: "You didn't honor us with your presence, perhaps because our address was incomplete and India Post was incompetent. We therefore beseech you to grace the court with your presence, if you are not too busy answering prayers. You may come at any time you wish, as long as it isn't an ungodly hour."

Watch what you do in a foreign country

If you're in Sudan, don't you dare name a teddy bear Muhammad. If you're in Saudi Arabia, don't you dare hold hands in public with the opposite sex. And if you're in India, don't you dare kiss Shilpa Shetty. Those are just some of the examples Mark McCrum cites in his fascinating article about cultural differences in the Telegraph.

Some high-profile gaffes highlight intercultural messes that any of us could get into. In June, Cameron Diaz pitched up at Peru's Machu Picchu ruins carrying a bag with the Maoist slogan "Serve the People".

In a country that had been terrorised by the Maoist Shining Path guerrillas, this caused major upset. Diaz was forced to issue a statement apologising "to anyone I may have inadvertently offended". She had picked up the bag in China and didn't even know what the slogan meant, let alone its significance. [Link]

"Serve the People" -- isn't that SouthWest Airlines' slogan? No, wait, it's "Serve the peanuts."

Even the most powerful corporations have fallen into similar heffalump traps. When Pepsico launched in China with the cheery slogan "Come alive with Pepsi", it little realised it would come out in Chinese as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead". [Link]

Coke tried to promote itself as "the real thing," but in Chinese, it came out as "your thing is real."

The Italian car firm Fiat's launch of "the stylish Pinto" in Argentina was somewhat compromised by the local slang use of "pinto" for the male organ. [Link]

Ah, that explains why the Vice President is known in Argentina as Pinto Cheney.

I don't know about you, but I'll never be able to eat pinto beans again.

Similarly, the Dublin-based makers of the after-dinner liqueur Irish Mist were probably foolish not to have realised that "mist" in German means "manure". [Link]

Irish Mist sold fairly well in Germany, but many people complained that, instead of getting bigger, their tomato plants kept falling over.

Gestures are another area where care must be taken. As George W Bush stood watching his second inaugural parade in January 2005, he held up a fist with the forefinger and little finger extended.

Where he comes from, this is the victory salute of the University of Texas Longhorns, the "hook 'em horns". Not so in Italy, where the same sign can imply that a man is a cuckold. In Norway, it's the sign of the devil, more often used by fans of dodgy heavy metal groups than world leaders. [Link]

Tourist: "You Norwegians consider that the sign of the devil, don't you?"

Norwegians: "Not anymore. These days, it's even worse than that."

Tourist: "Worse than that?"

Norwegian: "Yeah, it's the sign of Bush."

Column: Dear Santa, I'm on your side

Dear Santa,

It’s been almost 365 days since I wrote to you and I want to begin by telling you that the gift you brought me last Christmas just didn’t cut it. I don’t know where you picked up that lousy beard trimmer. I guess it was silly of me to expect someone like you to know anything about beard trimmers.

Before I give you my wish list for this Christmas, I’m sure you want to know whether I’ve been naughty or nice. I’ve been extremely nice, Santa. Unlike you, I haven’t said “ho ho ho” to anyone. I haven’t called a single person “ho,” not even a married one. But I did get slapped in the garden center of Wal-Mart when I asked for a certain digging implement. People are just so touchy these days.

Don’t get me wrong, Santa. I support your right to say “ho ho ho” to anyone you please. People who complain about that are just horrible and hopeless and probably offended that those words begin with ‘ho.’

I’m on your side, Santa, that’s what I want to say. I don’t agree with the U.S. Surgeon General, who believes you’re fat and unhealthy and a poor role model for kids. You’ve always been a good role model for me, Santa. At dinner time, when I’m trying to decide whether to have another slice of pizza, I always ask myself, “What would Santa do?” And then I eat five more.

I also disagree with the people who want you to stop saying “Merry Christmas” because it might offend people of other religions. It’s so easy to get offended these days, Santa. I could get offended every time someone says “What’s up?” to me. Frankly, Santa, I’m getting old and there’s nothing up anymore. Well, aside from my cholesterol, that is.

Listen, Santa, I’d prefer it if you didn’t say “Happy Holidays!” That’s just so dull and insipid. Instead of that, why not say “Merry Christmas!” to Christians and “Happy Diwali” to Hindus? And if you’re not sure if someone is Christian or Hindu, just say, “Merry Chriswali!”

No lashes, but 15 days in jail for Gibbons

Gillian Gibbons, the British teacher who let her students name a teddy bear Muhammad, has been convicted of insulting Islam and sentenced to 15 days in prison, after which she'll be booted out of Sudan. The judge could have sentenced her to 40 lashes and six months in prison, but was apparently swayed by a defense motion requesting him to use part of his brain.

The sentence, which seems intended to appease both sides, has not satisfied anyone, though some are more upset than others.

Thousands of Sudanese, many armed with clubs and knives, rallied Friday in a central square and demanded the execution of a British teacher convicted of insulting Islam for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Muhammad."

The protesters streamed out of mosques after Friday sermons, as pickup trucks with loudspeakers blared messages against Gillian Gibbons, the teacher who was sentenced Thursday to 15 days in prison and deportation. She avoided the more serious punishment of 40 lashes.

They massed in central Martyrs Square outside the presidential palace, where hundreds of riot police were deployed. They did not try to stop the rally, which lasted about an hour.

"Shame, shame on the U.K.," protesters chanted.

They called for Gibbons' execution, saying, "No tolerance: Execution," and "Kill her, kill her by firing squad." [Link]

Asked if he was just as upset about the genocide in Darfur, one of the protesters pondered the question for a moment, then shouted, "Kill her, kill her by firing squad!"

A Muslim cleric at Khartoum's main Martyrs Mosque denounced Gibbons during one sermon, saying she intentionally insulted Islam. He did not call for protests, however.

"Imprisoning this lady does not satisfy the thirst of Muslims in Sudan. But we welcome imprisonment and expulsion," the cleric, Abdul-Jalil Nazeer al-Karouri, a well-known hard-liner, told worshippers. [Link]

They're thirsty? Perhaps they shouldn't be trying to dig a grave for Gibbons. Perhaps they should be trying to dig a well.

Muhammad Abdul Bari, secretary-general of the Muslim Council of Britain, accused the Sudanese authorities of "gross overreaction."

"This case should have required only simple common sense to resolve. It is unfortunate that the Sudanese authorities were found wanting in this most basic of qualities," he said. [Link]

Muhammad sounds upset. But if you ask his family, they'll tell you that he's kind and gentle. You might even call him a teddy bear.

We're outraged that they're outraged

Her students chose the name Muhammad for the teddy bear and she assented; now the British teacher in Sudan faces a potential punishment of 40 lashes. Welcome to another episode of "As the world goes insane."

The country's top Muslim clerics pressed the government to ensure that the teacher, Gillian Gibbons, is punished, comparing her action to author Salman Rushdie's "blasphemies" against the Prophet Muhammad.

The charges against Gibbons angered the British government, which urgently summoned the Sudanese ambassador to discuss the case. British and American Muslim groups also criticized the decision.

Gibbons, 54, was arrested at her home in Khartoum on Sunday after some parents of her students accused her of naming the bear after Islam's prophet. Muhammad is a common name among Muslim men, but the parents saw applying it to a toy animal as an insult. [Link]

An insult? Someone needs to tell them that a teddy bear is considered a cuddly, lovable toy. It's not like she gave the name 'Muhammad' to a red monster with a big orange nose. (No offense, Elmo. You're pretty lovable too.)

Sudanese Prosecutor-General Salah Eddin Abu Zaid said Gibbons was charged with inciting religious hatred and her case would be referred to courts Thursday.

If convicted, she faces up to 40 lashes, six months in jail and a fine, said Abdul-Daem Zumrawi, an undersecretary at the Justice Ministry. [Link]

You know who deserves 40 lashes? The parents who made a case of this. All they needed to do was tell Gibbons they were offended and, as British MP  Boris Johnson suggests, "she could have apologised; she could have instantly changed the name of the mascot to Paddington, or some other name less offensive to Muslims. She could have called it Aloysius, like the chap in Evelyn Waugh, and though Aloysius is a pretty emetic name for a teddy bear, no one would have suggested locking her up."

Muslim leaders in Britain and the U.S. strongly rejected the charges against Gibbons.

"This is a disgraceful decision and defies common sense," said Muhammad Abdul Bari, secretary-general of the Muslim Council of Britain. He said there was "clearly no intention" by the teacher to "deliberately insult the Islamic faith."

The American Islamic Congress also criticized the decision. "The Sudanese government's ridiculous case trivializes the feelings of Muslims around the world," said Nasser Weddady, the organization's civil rights outreach director. [Link]

It may come as a shock to some people, but not all Muslims think alike. Most of them are just like you and I: sane.

A Dollar whose net worth is rising

If you're a good speaker, you can make a ton of money, as long as you're willing to work on Sundays and Mondays. On Sundays, you do your preaching. On Mondays, you do your depositing.

An Atlanta megachurch took in $69 million in 2006, according to a financial statement the church's minister released in response to a Senate investigation into him and five other well-known televangelists.

The Rev. Creflo Dollar disclosed the World Changers Church International's financial information to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, but said the money he spends is his own.

Dollar said his income comes from personal investments, including businesses and real estate ventures. But the church gave him a Rolls Royce, which he mainly uses for special occasions, he said.

"Without a doubt, my life is not average," he said. "But I'd like to say, just because it is excessive doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong." [Link]

Amen, brother! Nothing wrong with living it up. You earned it! I love the bumper sticker on your Rolls:  "Jesus is my financier."

Dollar questioned the investigation's focus on religious groups. The minister is among the religious leaders who preach the "prosperity gospel," the teaching that God will shower faithful followers with material riches. But he said he uses only his personal finances to pay for his luxuries.

"My lifestyle does not come out of the church's bank account," he said. [Link]

Preach it, brother! All you got from the church is a measly Rolls Royce. Nothing else. No big salary, no huge house. Yeah, brother, keep preaching it. We're almost starting to believe it.

Having a ball with the church offering

If you go to church and put money in the offering plate, do you know where the cash goes? Of course you do. It goes toward the priest's salary and various church-related expenses, such as maintenance of the sanctuary, maintenance of church vehicles, and maintenance of the priest's girlfriend. (Some of them can be quite high-maintenance.) And let's not forget about overseas vacations and gambling trips for the priest. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

TWO Irish priests accused of misappropriating millions from a Florida church had formed a mortgage company with another priest called Shag Inc.

Fr John Skehan (80), originally from Johnstown, Kilkenny, and Fr Francis Guinan (64), originally from Birr, Co Offaly, are accused in relation to $8.6m missing from church coffers.

The two men are accused of using offertory dollars to keep girlfriends, take gambling excursions and foreign holidays, and buy property. [Link]

$8.6 million? Wow, you can keep a lot of girlfriends with that, depending on the size of the building you keep them in. If they question your virility, wonder if you're too old to perform, just tell them you're president of Shag Inc.

Palm Beach diocese spokeswoman Alexis Walkenstein said they are seeking to have all the funds reimbursed. When asked about Shag, she said it was "pretty unusual for priests to form for-profit corporations".

"However because diocesan priests do not take a vow of poverty, there is no rule to prevent diocesan priests from accumulating wealth as long as it is within legal and moral confines," she said. [Link]

We've told them it's okay to save money, but it's much better to save souls.

Skehan and Guinan were arrested last September on suspicion of stealing millions in offerings and gifts made to their parish as far back as 40 years ago. They are likely to be charged with stealing less than $1m when the case goes to trial next February but could face jail sentences of up to 30 years if they are found guilty.

However, they are likely to enter a plea bargain, which would see them serving around four years. [Link]

Only four years? Come on, that's not long enough for them to set up a successful prison ministry. I don't know about you, but I'm eager to see them get whatever the other inmates are offering.

Don't push the buttons on the elevator

Today's lesson in religion comes from Broward County, Florida, where the board of a four-story condominium building is about to spend $11,000 to make the elevator automatically stop at all floors on the Jewish Sabbath -- Friday evening to Saturday evening -- so that the condo owners, most of whom are Orthodox Jews, don't have to push any buttons.

But two of the owners, who are also Jewish, are angry their money will be used for a religious accommodation.

"I respect their desires, but why does the building have to pay for this?" asked snowbird Nicki Goldstein, 69, from her New York City home.

By law, however, everyone who buys in a condo community agrees to submit to the will of the majority. About 85 percent of the owners are Orthodox. On the Sabbath, they are not allowed to do anything that would create energy, such as drive a car, turn on a light or push an elevator button. [Link]

They're not allowed to push an elevator button on the Sabbath (or Shabbat), but apparently it's okay to ride the elevator. What they need is one of those voice-operated, talking elevators.

Resident: "Fourth floor, please."

Elevator: "Shabbat Shalom!"

Resident: "Shabbat Shalom to you too. Now get moving. I don't have all day."

Elevator (muttering to itself): "Oy vey! I can't stand some of these residents. They really know how to push my buttons."

Wikipedia has an entry on the "39 categories of activity prohibited on Shabbat," a list from the ancient Talmud that includes planting, plowing and reaping. I don't see anything related to using elevators, but "transferring between domains" is definitely prohibited, which means, of course, that Orthodox Jews have to stay off the Internet.

Just for the hell of it

An Australian boy was denied admission to a Catholic school because his last name is "Hell" and school officials want to be as far away from that as possible.

The youngster's dad, 45-year-old Alex Hell, has expressed outrage after the primary school in the southern city of Melbourne allegedly refused to admit his son, Max.
"We are victims of our name," said Hell, whose name is of Austrian origin.
"We're quite devastated by the whole thing," the Catholic father of three told the Australian Associated Press. "It's 2007, not 1407 -- it's not the Dark Ages." [Link]

...

It was the spring of 1407 and Principal Michael was enrolling children at St. Paul's Holy School for Little Angels.

Principal: "Good mornin' to ya. I see you've brought your little boy for school. What's the lad's name?"

Father: "Hell."

Principal: "I beg ya pardon?"

Father: "Hell. His name's Hell. That's his last name."

Principal (shaking head): "What's his first name?"

Father: "Goto."

Principal: "Goto Hell? Is this some kind of joke?"

Father: "No, we're from the old country. 'Goto' and 'Hell' are common names in the old country."

Principal: "Well, you'd better take the lad back to the old country, otherwise we might have to lock him up in our dungeon. Who's next?"

Mother: "It's me, Principal Michael. I brought my little girl for school."

Principal: "Wonderful! What's her name?"

Mother: "Jenny. That's her first name"

Principal: "Beautiful name. What's her last name?"

Mother: "Tailya."

Principal: "Jenny Tailya? Is this some kind of joke? Get out of here before I wring your neck. Who's next?"

Father: "It's me, Principal Michael. I've brought my little girl for school."

Principal: "Wonderful! What's her name?"

Father: "Ho. That's her first name. We adopted her from China."

Principal (shakes head): "Ho? What's her last name?"

Father: "Ness. That's our family name."

Principal (still shaking head): "Ho Ness. I don't think I can enroll her with a name like 'Ho.'"

Father: "We usually use her middle name too. It's Lee."

Principal (smiling): "Lee? Wonderful! Welcome to your new school, Ho Lee Ness!"