FunnyColumns

Questions about Obama never cease

President Barack Obama has been in office for more than two years, but some questions about him have still, amazingly, not been put to rest. The most common question concerns his birth: Was he really born in Hawaii?

It’s a question that has been asked continually by a certain segment of the population. These people are known as “birthers,” a term that was coined to describe Republicans and others who are seeking to prove, through a growing body of evidence, that they’re nutcases.

Not all of them are nuts, of course. Some are fruitcakes.

Talk to them and you’ll get statements like these:

--- “Obama wuz not born in Hawaii, so as far as I’m concerned, he’s inedible to be president.”

--- “If he wuz born in Hawaii, how come he don’t speak Hawaiian?”

--- “I don’t believe he was born in Hawaii, but even if he was, should Hawaii really be considered part of America?”

Many of these people suspect that Obama was actually born in the land of his father, Kenya. It may seem like a far-fetched belief, but if you go to Kenya, you will find a similar group of people, also called “birthers,” who suspect that their president, Mwai Kibaki, was actually born in Hawaii.

I spoke to a “birther” in Kenya named George Mbacho.

Me: “Is the beer in Kenya really that strong?”

Mbacho: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean, do you really believe that President Kibaki was born in Hawaii?”

Mbacho: “Yes, we believe that Obama got Kibaki’s birth certificate and Kibaki got Obama’s.”

Me: “But Kibaki was born in 1931 and Obama was born in 1961.”

Mbacho: “You noticed that too? They are only one digit apart.”

Me: “What do you hope to achieve through your accusations? Do you want Kibaki to step down?”

Mbacho: “No, we are hoping for a trade. We’ll take Obama, let the Americans have Kibaki.”

Me: “What if Americans don’t want Kibaki?”

Mbacho: “They have to take him. He was born in Hawaii!!!”

It’s important to note that in 2008 Obama’s staff released an official ‘Certification of Live Birth’ from the State of Hawaii, which clearly states that Barack Hussein Obama II was born on Aug. 4, 1961, at 7:24 p.m. in the city of Honolulu, weighing 60 lbs, 8 oz.

Actually it doesn’t provide his weight or any of the other details that “birthers” are seeking. That’s what I gathered from a conversation with an outspoken “birther," who has the apt name of Bertha.

Me: “Let me get this straight: you don’t believe the ‘Certification of Live Birth’ proves anything?”

Bertha: “Well, it proves that he didn’t come from an egg. That’s what it proves.”

Me: “So you agree that he’s a mammal?”

Bertha: “Well, I never suspected he was a reptile. My friend Gertrude did, but not me.”

Me: “What does the president need to do to prove once and for all that he was born in Hawaii?”

Bertha: “Well, if he wants us to believe him, he needs to release his long-form birth certificate, the one from the hospital, as well as signed statements from the doctor and nurse who delivered him, and also a photo of him wearing a Hawaiian print diaper.”

Me: “And if he provides all that, would you and others stop asking the question about his birth?”

Bertha: “Yes, we would stop asking that question. But then, there’s still the other question.”

Me: “What question is that?”

Bertha: “Is he a Muslim?”

                                                    ***

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A gaffe with his staff

I saw the headline "U.S. Congressman asks Clinton to demote Rajiv Shah" and thought that the USAID director had done something seriously wrong. Perhaps Shah had bungled the U.S. relief efforts in Haiti, sending too much rice but not enough beans. Or perhaps he had handed a reconstruction job to an Indian-American Contractor, who doesn't do any contracting. But no, nothing of that sort.

U.S. Rep. John Conyers (D-Detroit) is calling on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to demote the official coordinating relief efforts in Haiti, Dr. Rajiv Shah, for a lack of diversity on his staff. [Link]

In his letter to Clinton, Conyers wrote: "As you know, the 42 member Congressional Black Caucus met with Rajiv Shah, the Administrator of the U.S. AID yesterday to discuss the crisis in Haiti. I was alarmed and chagrined to learn that none of the approximately dozen staff he brought with him were African American. This is so serious an error in judgement that it warrants his immediate demotion to a subordinate position at AID. It is well known  that there has long been an under-representation of minorities in key positions within the State Department. I am confident this Administration will immediately begin addressing this problem." [Source: The Hill]

Poor Shah. Perhaps someone had told him that he'd be appearing in front of the Congressional White Caucus. Perhaps he was under the mistaken belief that race doesn't matter much in 2010, that he just has to surround himself with qualified people. Or perhaps he took his resemblance to Obama too seriously and forgot to speak with the right dialect.

An open letter to Kumar Barve

Dear Kumar,

I heard you were miffed about not being invited to President Obama's recent state dinner for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and I'd like to express my sympathy. I was shocked you weren't included. You are, after all, the majority leader in the Maryland House of Delegates and the longest-serving Indian-American elected official in U.S. history. In fact, when I heard that Obama was hosting a dinner for Singh with hundreds of guests, the first name that popped into my head was "Kumar Barve."

I asked a group of my friends to name a likely guest and they shouted in unison: "Kumar!" Most of them were thinking, of course, of the guy from Harold and Kumar. But I'm sure that one or two were thinking of you.

The other Kumar, incidentally, now works for Obama in the White House, which makes it even more perplexing that he would overlook his namesake. It would be like Salman Khan throwing a party and not inviting Salman Rushdie. Okay, bad example.

Report: Obama wins prestigious prize

In a stunning decision that caught many observers by surprise, President Barack Obama was awarded baseball’s 2009 American League MVP Award.

The Baseball Writers Association of America selected Obama for the award for his “dignity and poise” in throwing out the opening pitch at the 2009 All-Star Game.

“He doesn’t play in the Major Leagues, but he’s a Major League figure in the world,” said Sports Illustrated baseball writer Tom Verducci.

Obama wore jeans and a Chicago White Sox jersey for his ceremonial pitch at the All-Star Game in July. Video of his pitch was seen by more people around the world than any baseball game.

“His pitch was low and didn't make it to home plate, but he showed immense potential,” Verducci said. “We believe that if he hadn’t gone into politics, he could have been a great baseball player. So why not go ahead and give him the award?”

Obama became the first sitting president in the world to win an MVP award in a professional sport. The president said he was “surprised and deeply humbled” by the honor.

"I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize," Obama said.

Reaction to Obama’s MVP Award was mixed, with some welcoming the news and others calling it the biggest mistake since Sanjaya was voted off American Idol.

Rev. Al Sharpton called it an “inspiring choice,” saying that Obama, with a single pitch, had shown the world that it’s possible for anyone to succeed in baseball, not just young men who have spent years taking steroids.

But others said it was far too early in the Obama presidency for him to receive the award. “He hasn’t done much to deserve it,” said baseball analyst Rush Limpball. “It would have been better to give it to him after he has served two terms and thrown out the opening pitch at a dozen games.”

Baseball fan Pedro Pena agreed, saying it made no sense to give the award to a pitcher who had failed to strike out anyone, not even the Republicans.

“How can they give the MVP award to a part-time player?” Pena asked. “It’s unfair to the real professional players, especially to my brother Carlos.”

Carlos Pena, who hit 39 home runs for the Tampa Bay Rays, said he wasn’t surprised that the Baseball Writers Association would pick a winner so arbitrarily.

“They’re just baseball writers –- what do you expect?” Pena said. “They aren’t the Nobel Prize Committee or something.”

Report: Obama in big trouble over "jackass" comment

WASHINGTON -- President Obama is in trouble for calling Kanye West a "jackass" after the rapper interrupted singer Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards.

"Obama should not have called Kanye a jackass," said Donna Rivers, an African-American woman who marched outside the White House with hundreds of others Wednesday. "It's insulting and unfair to all jackasses."

Rivers and the other protesters, mostly members of the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), held up signs demanding that Obama apologize to jackasses.

"Poor creatures," said Matt Johnson, a Baltimore accountant. "What have they done to deserve being compared to Kanye? Have they ever stepped on a stage uninvited? Have they ever interrupted a speech by a horse or cow?"

He added that he has heard West's music on his teen-aged son's iPod and, if given a choice, would prefer to listen to a jackass braying.

Julia Flowers, a lifelong Democrat, said she found Obama's comment particularly upsetting because the symbol of the Democratic Party happens to be a jackass. "Obama should be more respectful to jackasses," she said. "The least he could have done was compare Kanye to some other animal, such as a rat."

But Maurice Davis disagreed with her, saying no animal deserved to be compared with West. "Why do animals need to be insulted?" Davis said. "Why couldn't Obama just say that Kanye West is a turnip?"

Davis' words did not sit well with fellow protester Lucas Rove of Hagerstown, Md., who happens to be a turnip farmer. "Leave turnips out of this," he said. "They're good vegetables."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs released a statement saying that the President was speaking off-the-record and used the term "jackass" not to refer to the animal but as a synonym for "imbecile."

Gibbs' statement drew objections from another quarter. "We're insulted that the president believes that imbeciles are like Kanye West," said Glenn Beck, president of the American Association of Imbeciles.

No jokes about President Asif Ali Zardari, not here

Freedom of speech has taken another hit in Pakistan. It's now illegal to use the Internet or electronic devices to distribute jokes about President Asif Ali Zardari.

Pakistanis who send jokes about Asif Zardari by text message, email or blog risk being arrested and given a 14-year prison sentence.

The country's interior minister, Rehman Malik, announced the Federal Investigation Agency (FIA) had been asked to trace electronically transmitted jokes that "slander the political leadership of the country" under the new Cyber Crimes Act.  ...

Mr Zardari, the widower of the assassinated former prime minister, Benazir Bhutto, has long courted controversy.

During his wife's two tenures he earned the nickname of "Mr 10 per cent" on account of his alleged penchant for demanding kickbacks on government contracts. [Telegraph]

The Telegraph offers a few examples of Zardari jokes, including these:

• "Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five litres."

• Robber: "Give me all your money!"

          Zardari: "Don't you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari."

          Robber: "OK. Give me all my money"

Amardeep Singh and Amitava Kumarare eliciting Zardari jokes from their blog readers. But I'm too afraid to do that. I don't want to be sentenced to 14 years in prison or have my blog banned in Pakistan.

Instead I'll just tell a story:

A wealthy farmer with five beautiful daughters lived near the president’s house in Islamabad. One day, a procession of cars stopped at the farmer’s house. President Zardari stepped out of a Mercedes and was greeted by the farmer and his daughters.

“I want you to send me 10 percent of your money,” Zardari said. “Consider it a fee for the privilege of living near me.”

Then, with a wink at the farmer, he added: “As you know, I am a widower. So make sure you send me someone to keep me warm at night also.”

That evening, a box van arrived at the president’s house. Zardari opened it with excitement. Inside were seven bags of cash totaling Rs. 2 lakhs and one large female goat.

Zardari was outraged. The next morning, he visited the farmer and yelled: “How dare you insult the President of Pakistan? I know you have more than Rs. 20 lakhs!”

It's a close affair between Republicans and Democrats

Mark Sanford, the Republican governor of South Carolina, who disappeared for a few days, has admitted having an affair with a woman in Argentina. That's good news for the Republicans, who have quietly moved ahead in the race. In case you aren't keeping score at home, here's the official tally:

Affairs by Republican politicians: 1,265

Affairs by Democratic politicians: 1,264

Yes, it's a tight race. Anyone can win. The Republicans can't take anything for granted. After all, they were once so far behind in this race, some Democrats wondered why they even bothered getting married.

Democrats dominated the race in the 1990s, thanks to the inspirational leadership of Bill Clinton. "Come on, Bob!" he would say to a fellow politician. "You can do it! Just go have fun with another woman. Don't worry about your wife. I'll take good care of her."

The odds were stacked against Republicans, but they came on strong in the 21st century, largely because of the World Wide Web, where anonymity can be preserved and even a few dogs have managed to have affairs. (No, I'm not talking about Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg.)

The Republicans have taken the lead, but if they want to keep it, they need to send Sanford, John Ensign and others on nationwide tours to inspire more Republicans. Democrats, meanwhile, need to stay confident. After all, even with Sanford's affair, they're still ahead in one aspect of the race. In case you aren't keeping score at home, here's the official tally:

Affairs with non-Americans by Republican politicians: 1

Affairs with non-Americans by Democratic politicians: 59

As journalist Fareed Zakaria remarked recently, "Republicans just aren't in the same league with Democrats when it comes to foreign affairs."

Nothing like a plum ambassadorship

Barack Obama promised to bring change to Washington, but did you see whom he selected as ambassador to Belize? His old college buddy Vinai Thummalapally!

The folks in Belize had better give me a call. For only $9.99, I'll help them learn how to say "Ambassador Thummalapally."

Thummalapally, in case you're wondering, has no experience as a diplomat, but he did pass Obama's foreign service exam, which consisted of a single question: "How much money did you raise for me, bro?"

The correct answer for Thummalapally was "more than 100 grand -- and I also told the media that you're the best thing to happen to America since Slim-Fast."

The Colorado business executive also donated $4,500 of his own money for his pal’s presidential campaign, while his wife, Barbara, gave $2,800. There were no strings attached, of course, just a note from Barbara that said: "Dear Barack, Vinai and I believe in you so much, we're giving you all the money we had saved for our vacation in sunny Belize. I told Vinai that Belize can wait. Poor guy, he really had his heart set on going. He even read the Lonely Planet Travel Guide and bought a really nice beach umbrella."

Well, perhaps Barbara didn't send a note, but she and Vinai were probably aware that raising money for Obama's campaign could result in an ambassadorship.

Vinai: "We've raised only $50,000. We need to raise more. I don’t want to be sent to Cote d’Ivoire."

Barbara: "Yeah, me neither. That would be as bad as going to Ivory Coast.”

Vinai: "If we raise a little more, we could go to Belize, Jamaica or even Namibia."

Barbara: "What's so great about Namibia?"

Vinai: "I’m not sure, but that’s where Angelina Jolie goes to give birth. Did you know that she’s the UN Refugee Agency’s Goodwill Ambassador?”

Barbara: “She must not have raised much money for the agency. I’d rather be a Macy’s or Saks Fifth Avenue Ambassador.”

Shashi Tharoor, minister atwitter

Should government ministers use Twitter to keep the public informed of their daily activities? That’s a question being debated in India, thanks to new Minister of State for External Affairs Shashi Tharoor, who reportedly is the first Indian minister to actively use Twitter.

In case you aren’t one of his growing legion of followers, here’s just a sampling of his recent tweets:

First day in Parliament. Still can’t believe I made it to Delhi! Remind me not to fly Kingfisher again.
7:05 AM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Have given 13 interviews in 3 languages and 2 more TV shows pending. A little overwhelmed by the media scum.
3:31 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Scrum. I meant, scrum.
3:32 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@koshy no, I won't be tweeting in Malayalam.
6:54 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@sreenivasan I've made 500 campaign speeches in Malayalam, given 150+ interviews in Malayalam, cursed my ex-wife in Malayalam!
6:59 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@verghese yes, I do regret the last part. I should have done it in French.
7:02 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Lunch with Vijay Amritraj, tennis ace and old friend. Discussed Wimbledon, Fed vs. Nad.
2:34 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

@bhupathi yes, I’m more of a “Go Fed” guy than a “Go Nad” guy.
2:43 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

Office computer still won’t work  ... too many bugs. Clerk used a spray and 100 roaches ran out!
10:22 AM May 24th from TwitterBerry

Long live the horse's behind!

How far does freedom of speech go in America? Far enough that you can compare the president to a horse's behind. But not so far that you can call for his untimely death.

The Warren Pennsylvania Times-Observer (http://www.timesobserver.com) published an ad today calling for the assassination of President Barack Obama.

The text of the small classified ad reads, "May Obama follow in the footsteps of Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley and Kennedy!" There is no other text and it has no attribution. [Link]

The newspaper employee who accepted the ad didn't realize the implication, having apparently slept through history class.

A person from Warren placed the ad, which apparently alludes to the wish that President Obama meet an untimely end by linking him with four assassinated presidents. The ad representative didn't make the connection among the four other presidents mentioned and mistakenly allowed the ad to run.

Upon realizing the mistake early Thursday morning, the ad was immediately discontinued and the identity of the person who placed the ad was turned over to Warren City Police as per newspaper policy. The local police department forwarded the information to federal authorities, as per department policy.

The Times Observer apologizes for the oversight. [Link]

I'm confused. Shouldn''t they be apologizing for the lack of oversight?

I wonder what would have happened if the classified ad had read: "May Obama follow in the footsteps of Roosevelt, Coolidge, Harding and Johnson."

A person from Warren placed the ad, which apparently alludes to the wish that President Obama meet an untimely end by linking him with four presidents who suffered heart attacks. The ad representative didn't make the connection among the four other presidents mentioned, mistakenly allowed the ad to run, and is now the former ad representative.

Upon realizing the mistake early Thursday morning, the ad was immediately discontinued and the identity of the person who placed the ad was turned over to Warren City Police as per newspaper policy. The local police department forwarded the information to federal authorities, as per department policy. Federal authorities forwarded the information to the Secret Service, as per federal policy. Secret Service forwarded the information to President Obama, as per Secret Service policy. Obama forwarded the information to his wife, as per Obama policy.

The Times Observer apologizes for the oversight/lack of oversight.

Barack Obama's stand-up act

The president of America is always funniest at the annual White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. Yes, even George W. Bush was funny. Barack Obama doesn't quite have the timing of Bill Clinton, but he's pretty good.

Loved this line: "I believe that my next 100 days will be so successful, I will be able to complete them in 72 days."

Yeah, Obama was pretty funny, but if you want to see a real comedian at work, just check out Wanda Sykes. A couple of her jokes may go over the line (the Limbaugh joke, for example), but she was hilarious, especially in the beginning, when she pokes fun at Obama ("I know you're into this transparency thing, but we don't need to see your nipples").

Waiting 12 hours to shake Obama's hand

If you live in Congressional District 17 of New York State and were wondering where your Congressman was on Tuesday, he was sitting in an aisle seat in the House chamber, waiting to shake President Obama's hand. Nothing wrong with that, until you realize how much time Rep. Eliot Engel spent in the seat before Obama arrived to address Congress. More than 12 hours! And you thought you didn't have a life!

Engel has staked out an aisle seat hours in advance each year since President George H.W. Bush's address to a joint session of Congress in 1989. This morning, he snagged an aisle seat at 8:30 a.m. and sat there all day, save for a few bathroom and snack breaks.

Speaking to us by cell phone earlier today from the House floor, he said, "It's an honor to shake the hand of the president of the United States no matter who it is." [Link]

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure it IS an honor, but don't you have anything better to do with your time, such as trimming your nose hair?

Sure enough, when the president entered the House chamber to deliver his address, Engel got his presidential handshake. And he got a little more face time on Obama's way out.

So did dozens of others who clamored for the aisles, many wielding pens and programs of tonight's speech for the president to sign. [Link]

If I were Obama, I'd be careful which programs I signed.

Engel: "Great news, New Yorkers! I'm starting a Friday Night Prostitution Program!"

New Yorker: "Wonderful! But wait a minute ... is that legal?"

Engel: "Of course it is! The president has signed off on it."

Bobby Jindal will change the world

Do you like lists? I love 'em. My favorites include "100 things to do before you die," "50 ways to lose your blubber," and "25 ways to hide your bald spot." (No, I don't have a bald spot. I have a bald zip code.)

I just found another list. It's called "Ten people who could change the world" and -- surprise, surprise -- Bobby Jindal is on it. The man never ceases to amaze me. I mean, he's destined to change the world, whereas I have enough trouble changing my little son's diaper.

The list appeared in the British magazine New Statesman, along with a profile of the Louisiana governor and future president.

Bobby Jindal talks too fast. That, both admirers and detractors agree, is the most noticeable flaw in the impressive presentation he offers as the first Indian-American governor and perhaps the best prospect for revitalising a Republican Party that has just started its tour of the wilderness ... [Link]

Come on, guys. He doesn't talk too fast. You just need to brush up on your Punjabi. You do know that he isn't always speaking English, don't you?

The man is brilliant. He speaks Punjabi, Hindi, Telugu, Tamil, Malayalam, French, Spanish, Arabic, Swahili and Xhosa, to name just a few. He'll be the first U.S. president who can talk to foreign leaders in their native tongues. That would be a stark contrast from the last Republican president, who could barely talk to foreign leaders in his native tongue.

His rush of words is likely linked to the rush of his ambition, and his ambition - at 37, just two years above the minimum to be president - appears beyond restraint. He began his assimilation aged four, when he announced to his parents, a civil engineer and state official who moved from the Punjab to Louisiana before their son was born, that he wanted to be called "Bobby", after a character in the 1970s sitcom The Brady Bunch, rather than his given name, Piyush. [Link]

You hear that? Bobby began his assimilation at age 4! The only thing I was assimilating at age 4 was payasam. Changing my name was the farthest thing from my mind. I was focusing on more exciting things, such as climbing the tree in the front yard, bouncing a ball off the neighbor's wall, and pulling my sister's hair.

Diary of Barack Obama's Pakistani roommate

The ongoing search for all photos and documents from President Obama’s past has turned up a diary that his Pakistani roommate kept in the early 1980s. Some of the entries are quite revealing:

Aug. 28, 1981: Barack and I went searching for furniture today. We found a couch that someone had dumped on the street. It doesn’t look too bad, once we turned the cushions over. It doesn’t smell bad either, once Barack sprayed it with his Brut.

Sept. 14, 1981: Barack and I have been eating pizza, macaroni and cheese, and Ramen noodles for dinner. But today, I decided to make chicken curry for a change. Barack tasted it and said, “Mmmm … This is a good change. Did I tell you how much I believe in change?”

Oct. 2, 1981: I tried to get Barack to give up cigarettes today. I said to him, “Why smoke cigarettes when you can smoke pot?” But it didn’t work. Poor guy. He really needs some help.

Nov. 13, 1981: Barack is a little too square. I’m trying to get him to be more stylish, more cool. Yesterday, I took him to see the movie Sholay at a friend’s house, hoping that Amitabh Bachchan’s style would rub off on him. And today, Barack is walking around wearing a wide-collared shirt and saying, “Tera naam kya hai, Basanti?”

Nov. 20, 1981: Barack is such a dreamer. He talks about being leader of America one day. I told him that he needs to shoot for something more realistic, such as leader of the church choir. I mean, the day a black man becomes leader of America is the day I need to give up weed.

Travel to Indonesia, meet Obama

If you want a photo of yourself with Barack Obama and don't have any connections, just travel to Indonesia and ask Ilham Anas if he'll pose with you. He's getting many such requests, so you may have to stand in line -- but it probably won't cost you much. And imagine how envious your friends will be when they see a photo of the president with his arm around you.

Yes, Anas is an Obama lookalike and he's from the same country as Obama's step-father, where Obama spent a few years of his childhood.

'When Obama won, my colleagues played a practical joke on me -- they made me  wear a suit, a tie, and took pictures of me posing as Obama,' Mr Anas said.

'The pictures spread very quickly on the Internet. It was phenomenal. Then TV stations and an advertising agency got in touch with me.'

The similarity from certain angles has led to plenty of attention including a starring role in a TV advert for pharmaceuticals in the Philippines.

'I never thought I would be a star in a commercial, then this happened. It's very fortunate,' Mr Anas said.

'I was in the airport in Malaysia and a man approached me and asked: "Are you Obama?" I was very surprised when he asked to take a picture together and bought me a meal.' [Link]

So there you go -- it will only cost you a meal to impress your friends.

Friend: "Wow, is that Barack Obama with you?"

You: "Who else could it be?"

Friend: "Well, it looks like him, except ..."

You: "Except what?"

Friend: "His ears are too small. Aren't Obama's ears as big as Bush's?"

You: "You've been looking at too many cartoons. Don't you know that cartoonists exaggerate features?"

Friend: "No, I've also seen photos of Obama."

You: "Those must have been old photos."

Friend: "So what?"

You (whispering): "Well, don't tell anyone, but I think he's had plastic surgery. His ears seemed rather small to me too."

HOPE: Has Obama Promised Enough?

Some people believe that Barack Obama made too many promises during the presidential campaign and will have a hard time keeping them.

Barack Obama made 510 promises when he was running for president, a list that is stunning in its scope and leaves almost no part of the executive branch untouched, according to a new analysis by PolitiFact.

The analysis found that Obama made more than twice as many promises as George W. Bush and Bill Clinton, whose campaign pledges were examined by other news organizations. Bush made 177 promises in 2000 and Clinton made 204 in 1992, as reported by the Knight Ridder Washington Bureau (now McClatchy).

Obama made sweeping promises like ending the Iraq war and cutting taxes on the middle class, and narrow ones like establishing programs to help animals survive global warming, weatherizing 1-million low-income homes per year and increasing tax deductions for artists. [Link]

He made 510 promises, but I really think he should have made 520. Here are 10 more promises I wish he had made:

1. I promise to create a special advisory board to help Oprah Winfrey come to terms with her weight.

2. I promise to establish a special task force to hunt down every last Nigerian scam artist.

3. I promise to appoint the Rev. Al Sharpton as Ambassador to the North Pole. And Deepak Chopra as Ambassador to the South Pole.

4. I promise to make it legal to throw tomatoes at anyone in the telemarketing industry.

5. I promise to consider the possibility, remote as it might be, that Israel is not always right.

6. I promise to deport the next person who demands that someone else be deported.

7. I promise to organize a peace summit to help solve the rift between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

8. I promise to sit through an entire Bollywood movie. And follow that up with Kollywood, Tollywood and Nollywood.

9. I promise to invite Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe to the White House -- and sic our new dog on him.

10. I promise to sponsor legislation that requires all employers to adopt a three-day work week.

Flight of the Obama relatives

Kenya Airways Flight KQ102 had just left Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi, bound for London. The chief flight attendant, John Mburu, glanced at the manifest and was pleased to see that almost every passenger on the flight was named Obama. There was a George Obama, a Yusuf Obama, a Miriam Obama, even a Sanjay Obama.

They must all be going to the inauguration, Mburu thought. He had heard that Barack Obama had 1,432 relatives in Kenya, twice as many as he did before the election.

It made him feel proud, like he was part of history, serving the new president's relatives on the first leg of their journey. Perhaps, when things were quieter in the cabin, he would ask one of the Obamas if they would bring back a souvenir for him, such as an official 2009 Presidential Inauguration bottle of wine.

He couldn't believe how loud it was in the cabin. It was almost midnight, but there was so much chatter and merriment, he could barely hear the engine of the Boeing 777. He decided to walk slowly down the aisle, pretending to check the overhead compartments, hoping to catch snippets of conversation.

“I don’t understand him at all,” a middle-aged man was saying to another in the first row. “He hasn’t offered us any jobs. What kind of African politician is he?”

“That’s the problem,” the second man said. “He isn’t an African politician. He is an African-American politician.”

“But he is African first, then American. Otherwise he would be American-African.”

“You are right, brother. We need to remind him of that. What position would you like?”

“Oh, that’s easy. United States Ambassador to Kenya. What about you?”

“I want to be Special Envoy to the Oprah Winfrey Show.” They both laughed.

Presidents age faster than any of us

An article in the Boston Globe confirms what we've long suspected: President George W. Bush is senile.

Actually, what the article suggests is that occupants of the White House turn gray and wrinkled extremely fast.

The pounding stress of the job can unleash biological forces that translate into wrinkles, gray hair, weight fluctuation - and sometimes even premature death, although there is far from universal agreement on the long-term health effects of the presidency.

Dr. Michael Roizen, who has written extensively on aging, said a formula he helped develop suggests that for every year in office, the average president ages two years.

"It doesn't matter if they're Democrats or Republicans, it doesn't matter if they've been athletes or not beforehand, it doesn't matter if they were smokers or not," said Roizen, chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic. "For eight years in office, they age 16 years." [Link]

Indeed, here's a quick look at some of the things that can change in the space of eight years:

Column: The principle of making Obama jokes

A school principal in La Vergne, Tennessee, recently wrote a humor column that poked fun at President-elect Obama and found himself in so much hot water, he decided that it would be wise, as well as efficient, to skip his weekly bath.

Stephen Lewis, principal of Rock Springs Elementary, has been writing a weekly humor column for The Murfreesboro Post for about two years. In fact, it would be accurate to say that he's the Post's principal humor columnist.

But he was virtually unknown outside his county until he wrote his post-election column, in which he did something rather original: created a parody of "The Jeffersons" theme song. In his version, Obama was "movin’ on up ... to a deee-luxe pimp pad," "jetting with P. Diddy" and "chewin’ on the government fat." Obama's supporters and others found it extremely offensive, naturally, that Lewis would even suggest that Obama hangs out with P. Diddy. (Never mind that 10-year-old Malia Obama wears a T-shirt that says "Daddy loves Diddy.")

P. Diddy, for those of you who don't know, is the stage name of a popular rap artist and should not be confused with Diddy P., the question I ask whenever I check my little son's diaper.

Only in America

I was speaking to a friend about Barack Obama's victory, the once-unimaginable milestone of an African-American making it to the White House.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America."

I told him that Peru elected a man of Japanese descent as President in 1990, the first Latin American country to be ruled by a person of East Asian descent.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America and Peru."

I told him that India elected a woman as Prime minister as early as 1966 and is now ruled by a Sikh man, with a woman of Italian descent chairing the ruling party.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru and India."

I told him that Guyana elected a man of Chinese descent as president in 1970, making him the first ethnic Chinese president of a non-Asian country. Guyana also elected a woman as president in 1997.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru, India and Guyana."

I told him that Pakistan elected a woman as Prime Minister in 1988, making her the first woman elected to lead a Muslim country. 

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru, India, Guyana and Pakistan."