Nshima & Curry

It's a close affair between Republicans and Democrats

Mark Sanford, the Republican governor of South Carolina, who disappeared for a few days, has admitted having an affair with a woman in Argentina. That's good news for the Republicans, who have quietly moved ahead in the race. In case you aren't keeping score at home, here's the official tally:

Affairs by Republican politicians: 1,265

Affairs by Democratic politicians: 1,264

Yes, it's a tight race. Anyone can win. The Republicans can't take anything for granted. After all, they were once so far behind in this race, some Democrats wondered why they even bothered getting married.

Democrats dominated the race in the 1990s, thanks to the inspirational leadership of Bill Clinton. "Come on, Bob!" he would say to a fellow politician. "You can do it! Just go have fun with another woman. Don't worry about your wife. I'll take good care of her."

The odds were stacked against Republicans, but they came on strong in the 21st century, largely because of the World Wide Web, where anonymity can be preserved and even a few dogs have managed to have affairs. (No, I'm not talking about Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg.)

The Republicans have taken the lead, but if they want to keep it, they need to send Sanford, John Ensign and others on nationwide tours to inspire more Republicans. Democrats, meanwhile, need to stay confident. After all, even with Sanford's affair, they're still ahead in one aspect of the race. In case you aren't keeping score at home, here's the official tally:

Affairs with non-Americans by Republican politicians: 1

Affairs with non-Americans by Democratic politicians: 59

As journalist Fareed Zakaria remarked recently, "Republicans just aren't in the same league with Democrats when it comes to foreign affairs."

Nothing like a plum ambassadorship

Barack Obama promised to bring change to Washington, but did you see whom he selected as ambassador to Belize? His old college buddy Vinai Thummalapally!

The folks in Belize had better give me a call. For only $9.99, I'll help them learn how to say "Ambassador Thummalapally."

Thummalapally, in case you're wondering, has no experience as a diplomat, but he did pass Obama's foreign service exam, which consisted of a single question: "How much money did you raise for me, bro?"

The correct answer for Thummalapally was "more than 100 grand -- and I also told the media that you're the best thing to happen to America since Slim-Fast."

The Colorado business executive also donated $4,500 of his own money for his pal’s presidential campaign, while his wife, Barbara, gave $2,800. There were no strings attached, of course, just a note from Barbara that said: "Dear Barack, Vinai and I believe in you so much, we're giving you all the money we had saved for our vacation in sunny Belize. I told Vinai that Belize can wait. Poor guy, he really had his heart set on going. He even read the Lonely Planet Travel Guide and bought a really nice beach umbrella."

Well, perhaps Barbara didn't send a note, but she and Vinai were probably aware that raising money for Obama's campaign could result in an ambassadorship.

Vinai: "We've raised only $50,000. We need to raise more. I don’t want to be sent to Cote d’Ivoire."

Barbara: "Yeah, me neither. That would be as bad as going to Ivory Coast.”

Vinai: "If we raise a little more, we could go to Belize, Jamaica or even Namibia."

Barbara: "What's so great about Namibia?"

Vinai: "I’m not sure, but that’s where Angelina Jolie goes to give birth. Did you know that she’s the UN Refugee Agency’s Goodwill Ambassador?”

Barbara: “She must not have raised much money for the agency. I’d rather be a Macy’s or Saks Fifth Avenue Ambassador.”

Shashi Tharoor, minister atwitter

Should government ministers use Twitter to keep the public informed of their daily activities? That’s a question being debated in India, thanks to new Minister of State for External Affairs Shashi Tharoor, who reportedly is the first Indian minister to actively use Twitter.

In case you aren’t one of his growing legion of followers, here’s just a sampling of his recent tweets:

First day in Parliament. Still can’t believe I made it to Delhi! Remind me not to fly Kingfisher again.
7:05 AM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Have given 13 interviews in 3 languages and 2 more TV shows pending. A little overwhelmed by the media scum.
3:31 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Scrum. I meant, scrum.
3:32 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@koshy no, I won't be tweeting in Malayalam.
6:54 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@sreenivasan I've made 500 campaign speeches in Malayalam, given 150+ interviews in Malayalam, cursed my ex-wife in Malayalam!
6:59 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@verghese yes, I do regret the last part. I should have done it in French.
7:02 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Lunch with Vijay Amritraj, tennis ace and old friend. Discussed Wimbledon, Fed vs. Nad.
2:34 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

@bhupathi yes, I’m more of a “Go Fed” guy than a “Go Nad” guy.
2:43 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

Office computer still won’t work  ... too many bugs. Clerk used a spray and 100 roaches ran out!
10:22 AM May 24th from TwitterBerry

Long live the horse's behind!

How far does freedom of speech go in America? Far enough that you can compare the president to a horse's behind. But not so far that you can call for his untimely death.

The Warren Pennsylvania Times-Observer (http://www.timesobserver.com) published an ad today calling for the assassination of President Barack Obama.

The text of the small classified ad reads, "May Obama follow in the footsteps of Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley and Kennedy!" There is no other text and it has no attribution. [Link]

The newspaper employee who accepted the ad didn't realize the implication, having apparently slept through history class.

A person from Warren placed the ad, which apparently alludes to the wish that President Obama meet an untimely end by linking him with four assassinated presidents. The ad representative didn't make the connection among the four other presidents mentioned and mistakenly allowed the ad to run.

Upon realizing the mistake early Thursday morning, the ad was immediately discontinued and the identity of the person who placed the ad was turned over to Warren City Police as per newspaper policy. The local police department forwarded the information to federal authorities, as per department policy.

The Times Observer apologizes for the oversight. [Link]

I'm confused. Shouldn''t they be apologizing for the lack of oversight?

I wonder what would have happened if the classified ad had read: "May Obama follow in the footsteps of Roosevelt, Coolidge, Harding and Johnson."

A person from Warren placed the ad, which apparently alludes to the wish that President Obama meet an untimely end by linking him with four presidents who suffered heart attacks. The ad representative didn't make the connection among the four other presidents mentioned, mistakenly allowed the ad to run, and is now the former ad representative.

Upon realizing the mistake early Thursday morning, the ad was immediately discontinued and the identity of the person who placed the ad was turned over to Warren City Police as per newspaper policy. The local police department forwarded the information to federal authorities, as per department policy. Federal authorities forwarded the information to the Secret Service, as per federal policy. Secret Service forwarded the information to President Obama, as per Secret Service policy. Obama forwarded the information to his wife, as per Obama policy.

The Times Observer apologizes for the oversight/lack of oversight.

Barack Obama's stand-up act

The president of America is always funniest at the annual White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. Yes, even George W. Bush was funny. Barack Obama doesn't quite have the timing of Bill Clinton, but he's pretty good.

Loved this line: "I believe that my next 100 days will be so successful, I will be able to complete them in 72 days."

Yeah, Obama was pretty funny, but if you want to see a real comedian at work, just check out Wanda Sykes. A couple of her jokes may go over the line (the Limbaugh joke, for example), but she was hilarious, especially in the beginning, when she pokes fun at Obama ("I know you're into this transparency thing, but we don't need to see your nipples").

Waiting 12 hours to shake Obama's hand

If you live in Congressional District 17 of New York State and were wondering where your Congressman was on Tuesday, he was sitting in an aisle seat in the House chamber, waiting to shake President Obama's hand. Nothing wrong with that, until you realize how much time Rep. Eliot Engel spent in the seat before Obama arrived to address Congress. More than 12 hours! And you thought you didn't have a life!

Engel has staked out an aisle seat hours in advance each year since President George H.W. Bush's address to a joint session of Congress in 1989. This morning, he snagged an aisle seat at 8:30 a.m. and sat there all day, save for a few bathroom and snack breaks.

Speaking to us by cell phone earlier today from the House floor, he said, "It's an honor to shake the hand of the president of the United States no matter who it is." [Link]

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure it IS an honor, but don't you have anything better to do with your time, such as trimming your nose hair?

Sure enough, when the president entered the House chamber to deliver his address, Engel got his presidential handshake. And he got a little more face time on Obama's way out.

So did dozens of others who clamored for the aisles, many wielding pens and programs of tonight's speech for the president to sign. [Link]

If I were Obama, I'd be careful which programs I signed.

Engel: "Great news, New Yorkers! I'm starting a Friday Night Prostitution Program!"

New Yorker: "Wonderful! But wait a minute ... is that legal?"

Engel: "Of course it is! The president has signed off on it."

Bobby Jindal will change the world

Do you like lists? I love 'em. My favorites include "100 things to do before you die," "50 ways to lose your blubber," and "25 ways to hide your bald spot." (No, I don't have a bald spot. I have a bald zip code.)

I just found another list. It's called "Ten people who could change the world" and -- surprise, surprise -- Bobby Jindal is on it. The man never ceases to amaze me. I mean, he's destined to change the world, whereas I have enough trouble changing my little son's diaper.

The list appeared in the British magazine New Statesman, along with a profile of the Louisiana governor and future president.

Bobby Jindal talks too fast. That, both admirers and detractors agree, is the most noticeable flaw in the impressive presentation he offers as the first Indian-American governor and perhaps the best prospect for revitalising a Republican Party that has just started its tour of the wilderness ... [Link]

Come on, guys. He doesn't talk too fast. You just need to brush up on your Punjabi. You do know that he isn't always speaking English, don't you?

The man is brilliant. He speaks Punjabi, Hindi, Telugu, Tamil, Malayalam, French, Spanish, Arabic, Swahili and Xhosa, to name just a few. He'll be the first U.S. president who can talk to foreign leaders in their native tongues. That would be a stark contrast from the last Republican president, who could barely talk to foreign leaders in his native tongue.

His rush of words is likely linked to the rush of his ambition, and his ambition - at 37, just two years above the minimum to be president - appears beyond restraint. He began his assimilation aged four, when he announced to his parents, a civil engineer and state official who moved from the Punjab to Louisiana before their son was born, that he wanted to be called "Bobby", after a character in the 1970s sitcom The Brady Bunch, rather than his given name, Piyush. [Link]

You hear that? Bobby began his assimilation at age 4! The only thing I was assimilating at age 4 was payasam. Changing my name was the farthest thing from my mind. I was focusing on more exciting things, such as climbing the tree in the front yard, bouncing a ball off the neighbor's wall, and pulling my sister's hair.

Diary of Barack Obama's Pakistani roommate

The ongoing search for all photos and documents from President Obama’s past has turned up a diary that his Pakistani roommate kept in the early 1980s. Some of the entries are quite revealing:

Aug. 28, 1981: Barack and I went searching for furniture today. We found a couch that someone had dumped on the street. It doesn’t look too bad, once we turned the cushions over. It doesn’t smell bad either, once Barack sprayed it with his Brut.

Sept. 14, 1981: Barack and I have been eating pizza, macaroni and cheese, and Ramen noodles for dinner. But today, I decided to make chicken curry for a change. Barack tasted it and said, “Mmmm … This is a good change. Did I tell you how much I believe in change?”

Oct. 2, 1981: I tried to get Barack to give up cigarettes today. I said to him, “Why smoke cigarettes when you can smoke pot?” But it didn’t work. Poor guy. He really needs some help.

Nov. 13, 1981: Barack is a little too square. I’m trying to get him to be more stylish, more cool. Yesterday, I took him to see the movie Sholay at a friend’s house, hoping that Amitabh Bachchan’s style would rub off on him. And today, Barack is walking around wearing a wide-collared shirt and saying, “Tera naam kya hai, Basanti?”

Nov. 20, 1981: Barack is such a dreamer. He talks about being leader of America one day. I told him that he needs to shoot for something more realistic, such as leader of the church choir. I mean, the day a black man becomes leader of America is the day I need to give up weed.

Travel to Indonesia, meet Obama

If you want a photo of yourself with Barack Obama and don't have any connections, just travel to Indonesia and ask Ilham Anas if he'll pose with you. He's getting many such requests, so you may have to stand in line -- but it probably won't cost you much. And imagine how envious your friends will be when they see a photo of the president with his arm around you.

Yes, Anas is an Obama lookalike and he's from the same country as Obama's step-father, where Obama spent a few years of his childhood.

'When Obama won, my colleagues played a practical joke on me -- they made me  wear a suit, a tie, and took pictures of me posing as Obama,' Mr Anas said.

'The pictures spread very quickly on the Internet. It was phenomenal. Then TV stations and an advertising agency got in touch with me.'

The similarity from certain angles has led to plenty of attention including a starring role in a TV advert for pharmaceuticals in the Philippines.

'I never thought I would be a star in a commercial, then this happened. It's very fortunate,' Mr Anas said.

'I was in the airport in Malaysia and a man approached me and asked: "Are you Obama?" I was very surprised when he asked to take a picture together and bought me a meal.' [Link]

So there you go -- it will only cost you a meal to impress your friends.

Friend: "Wow, is that Barack Obama with you?"

You: "Who else could it be?"

Friend: "Well, it looks like him, except ..."

You: "Except what?"

Friend: "His ears are too small. Aren't Obama's ears as big as Bush's?"

You: "You've been looking at too many cartoons. Don't you know that cartoonists exaggerate features?"

Friend: "No, I've also seen photos of Obama."

You: "Those must have been old photos."

Friend: "So what?"

You (whispering): "Well, don't tell anyone, but I think he's had plastic surgery. His ears seemed rather small to me too."

HOPE: Has Obama Promised Enough?

Some people believe that Barack Obama made too many promises during the presidential campaign and will have a hard time keeping them.

Barack Obama made 510 promises when he was running for president, a list that is stunning in its scope and leaves almost no part of the executive branch untouched, according to a new analysis by PolitiFact.

The analysis found that Obama made more than twice as many promises as George W. Bush and Bill Clinton, whose campaign pledges were examined by other news organizations. Bush made 177 promises in 2000 and Clinton made 204 in 1992, as reported by the Knight Ridder Washington Bureau (now McClatchy).

Obama made sweeping promises like ending the Iraq war and cutting taxes on the middle class, and narrow ones like establishing programs to help animals survive global warming, weatherizing 1-million low-income homes per year and increasing tax deductions for artists. [Link]

He made 510 promises, but I really think he should have made 520. Here are 10 more promises I wish he had made:

1. I promise to create a special advisory board to help Oprah Winfrey come to terms with her weight.

2. I promise to establish a special task force to hunt down every last Nigerian scam artist.

3. I promise to appoint the Rev. Al Sharpton as Ambassador to the North Pole. And Deepak Chopra as Ambassador to the South Pole.

4. I promise to make it legal to throw tomatoes at anyone in the telemarketing industry.

5. I promise to consider the possibility, remote as it might be, that Israel is not always right.

6. I promise to deport the next person who demands that someone else be deported.

7. I promise to organize a peace summit to help solve the rift between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

8. I promise to sit through an entire Bollywood movie. And follow that up with Kollywood, Tollywood and Nollywood.

9. I promise to invite Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe to the White House -- and sic our new dog on him.

10. I promise to sponsor legislation that requires all employers to adopt a three-day work week.

Flight of the Obama relatives

Kenya Airways Flight KQ102 had just left Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi, bound for London. The chief flight attendant, John Mburu, glanced at the manifest and was pleased to see that almost every passenger on the flight was named Obama. There was a George Obama, a Yusuf Obama, a Miriam Obama, even a Sanjay Obama.

They must all be going to the inauguration, Mburu thought. He had heard that Barack Obama had 1,432 relatives in Kenya, twice as many as he did before the election.

It made him feel proud, like he was part of history, serving the new president's relatives on the first leg of their journey. Perhaps, when things were quieter in the cabin, he would ask one of the Obamas if they would bring back a souvenir for him, such as an official 2009 Presidential Inauguration bottle of wine.

He couldn't believe how loud it was in the cabin. It was almost midnight, but there was so much chatter and merriment, he could barely hear the engine of the Boeing 777. He decided to walk slowly down the aisle, pretending to check the overhead compartments, hoping to catch snippets of conversation.

“I don’t understand him at all,” a middle-aged man was saying to another in the first row. “He hasn’t offered us any jobs. What kind of African politician is he?”

“That’s the problem,” the second man said. “He isn’t an African politician. He is an African-American politician.”

“But he is African first, then American. Otherwise he would be American-African.”

“You are right, brother. We need to remind him of that. What position would you like?”

“Oh, that’s easy. United States Ambassador to Kenya. What about you?”

“I want to be Special Envoy to the Oprah Winfrey Show.” They both laughed.

Presidents age faster than any of us

An article in the Boston Globe confirms what we've long suspected: President George W. Bush is senile.

Actually, what the article suggests is that occupants of the White House turn gray and wrinkled extremely fast.

The pounding stress of the job can unleash biological forces that translate into wrinkles, gray hair, weight fluctuation - and sometimes even premature death, although there is far from universal agreement on the long-term health effects of the presidency.

Dr. Michael Roizen, who has written extensively on aging, said a formula he helped develop suggests that for every year in office, the average president ages two years.

"It doesn't matter if they're Democrats or Republicans, it doesn't matter if they've been athletes or not beforehand, it doesn't matter if they were smokers or not," said Roizen, chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic. "For eight years in office, they age 16 years." [Link]

Indeed, here's a quick look at some of the things that can change in the space of eight years:

Column: The principle of making Obama jokes

A school principal in La Vergne, Tennessee, recently wrote a humor column that poked fun at President-elect Obama and found himself in so much hot water, he decided that it would be wise, as well as efficient, to skip his weekly bath.

Stephen Lewis, principal of Rock Springs Elementary, has been writing a weekly humor column for The Murfreesboro Post for about two years. In fact, it would be accurate to say that he's the Post's principal humor columnist.

But he was virtually unknown outside his county until he wrote his post-election column, in which he did something rather original: created a parody of "The Jeffersons" theme song. In his version, Obama was "movin’ on up ... to a deee-luxe pimp pad," "jetting with P. Diddy" and "chewin’ on the government fat." Obama's supporters and others found it extremely offensive, naturally, that Lewis would even suggest that Obama hangs out with P. Diddy. (Never mind that 10-year-old Malia Obama wears a T-shirt that says "Daddy loves Diddy.")

P. Diddy, for those of you who don't know, is the stage name of a popular rap artist and should not be confused with Diddy P., the question I ask whenever I check my little son's diaper.

Only in America

I was speaking to a friend about Barack Obama's victory, the once-unimaginable milestone of an African-American making it to the White House.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America."

I told him that Peru elected a man of Japanese descent as President in 1990, the first Latin American country to be ruled by a person of East Asian descent.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America and Peru."

I told him that India elected a woman as Prime minister as early as 1966 and is now ruled by a Sikh man, with a woman of Italian descent chairing the ruling party.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru and India."

I told him that Guyana elected a man of Chinese descent as president in 1970, making him the first ethnic Chinese president of a non-Asian country. Guyana also elected a woman as president in 1997.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru, India and Guyana."

I told him that Pakistan elected a woman as Prime Minister in 1988, making her the first woman elected to lead a Muslim country. 

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru, India, Guyana and Pakistan."

Obama TV: All Obama, all the time

CHICAGO -- Talk show host Oprah Winfrey has announced a new venture for her company, Harpo Studios: Obama TV (OTV).

"Over the last year or so, I've noticed that America just cannot get enough of Barack Obama and his family, so I thought to myself, 'Why not have a 24-hour network that covers everything Obama?'" Winfrey said, speaking at a press conference in Chicago. "It's a historic time in America and many people have told me that they don't want to miss a single moment of it, except of course when the Oprah Winfrey Show is on."

Financial guru Mani Pundit predicted that OTV would turn Winfrey from a mere billionaire into a zillionaire. "It's a brilliant idea," Pundit said. "CNN's ratings shoot up every time they show anything about Obama. Why else would they have 10 analysts debating whether Obama uses Crest or Colgate?"

Harpo released a tentative daytime schedule for OTV, which will promote itself with the slogan "No drama, just Obama."

6 to 7 a.m. -- Fitness with Obama: Get in shape with a series of moves that the president is promoting, including belt-tightening, budget-stretching and figure-massaging. Just an hour a day will do wonders for your fiscal fitness.

7 to 9 a.m. -- Obama Today: A hard-hitting news show that will keep you informed on all the latest Obama news, including when the president woke up and what he had for breakfast. Regular features on the show include "Obama Agenda," "Eloquent Quote of the Day" and "Kenya Relative Report."

9 to 10 a.m. -- Meet the Dress: Fashion experts discuss the latest dress worn by Michelle Obama. Handbags, shoes and other accessories will also be critiqued. Viewers will have the opportunity to call in and suggest what the First Lady should wear the next day.

Oh Mama, it's President Obama!

As the results trickled in, the tears trickled down. Millions of faces glistened with tears on election night. There were tears of joy, as many Americans celebrated Barack Obama's historic victory; tears of sorrow, as many Americans lamented John McCain's loss; tears of gratitude, as many Americans got down on their knees and thanked God that the presidential race was finally over.

"No more negative ads, no more debates, no more promises they can't keep!" screamed a 40-year-old Detroit man, running into the street in jubilation. "And no more red and blue maps on TV!"

For African-Americans, especially those who had lived through the Civil Rights Era, it was a once-in-ten-lifetimes occasion, one that seemed unimaginable just a couple of years ago. "I don't believe it, I just don't believe it," said an 80-year-old Chicago man, rubbing his eyes. "A black man in the White House! And he's not carrying a broom!"

Column: There's something interesting in every Cabinet

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, recently announced his new cabinet, giving portfolios of all sorts to 38 people. The cabinet includes Bev Oda, Minister of International Co-operation (formerly known as the Minister of Peace and Goodwill), Rona Ambrose, Minister of Labor (formerly the Minister of Labor and Childbirth), and Jim Prentice, Minister of the Environment (formerly the Minister of Ice and Snow).

Stockwell Day is the Minister of International Trade, which explains why there's a sign inside the Canadian Superstore that says: "Thanks to Stockwell Day, it's a well-stocked day."

Also in the new cabinet are Peter Van Loan, Minister of Public Safety (it's important to keep the public safe) and Christian Paradis, Minister of Public Works (it's important to keep the public working). Van Loan, as you can guess from his name, was also under serious consideration for the position of Minister of Vehicle Rentals.

The cabinet has four ministers in charge of "affairs": Gregory Thompson, Minister of Veterans Affairs, Josee Verner, Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs, Lawrence Cannon, Minister of Foreign Affairs, and Chuck Strahl, Minister of Indian Affairs (yes, Indians have affairs too). Cannon's appointment is a significant one, because it's been more than 50 years since Canada used a Cannon to handle Foreign Affairs.

Also appointed to the cabinet are Lisa Raitt, Minister of Natural Resources, Gail Shea, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, and Helena Guergis, Minister of Backyard Pools. Actually, Guergis is Minister of State, Status of Women, a promotion from her previous position: Minister of State, Status of Babes and Honeys.

Cabinet positions vary considerably from one country to the next, as you can imagine. In India, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's Cabinet includes Lalu Prasad, Minister of Railways (also known as the Minister of Train Delays), Priya Ranjan Dasmunsi, Minister of Information and Broadcasting (also known as the Minister of Censorship), and Sis Ram Ola, Minister of Mines (also known as the Minister of Yours).

New poll: McCain leads in 39 states

NEW YORK -- A new poll shows that John McCain leads Barack Obama in 39 states, but unfortunately for McCain, most of those states are outside America. In the Indian state of Gujarat, McCain holds a commanding 59-38 lead over Obama, thanks largely to an endorsement from Chief Minister Narendra Modi.

The poll, conducted by the right-leaning advocacy group, Global Think, and released less than a week before the presidential election, indicates that McCain enjoys pockets of popularity around the world. Though the vast majority of the 3,461 people polled can't vote in the Nov. 4 election, the results surprised political analysts, many of whom believed that Obama would be more popular than McCain in almost every country.

The McCain Campaign, searching desperately for any glimmer of hope that the Arizona senator can pull off an upset next Tuesday, touted the poll results as a sign that McCain was finally breaking through.

"Our message is reaching every corner of the world," said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds. "We believe that the good people of Pennsylvania and Ohio will support Senator McCain on Tuesday as strongly as people in Gujarat and Madhya Pradesh do."

In addition to the two Indian states, McCain enjoys strong support in China, Russia, North Korea, Turkmenistan and Antarctica.

The Obama campaign downplayed the poll results, accusing Global Think of deliberately surveying people in countries or states where McCain was likely to be popular. "There are 54 countries in Africa," Obama spokesman Bill Burton said, "but somehow the only one surveyed was Central African Republican. I mean, Republic."

While no Africa-wide polls have been conducted, the Kenyan newspaper, Daily Nation, surveyed 1,000 people in early October and found that 999 supported Obama. The sole McCain supporter was a man named Josiah Mbacho, who had once been involved in a fight over homebrewed beer with Obama's second cousin Suleiman Obama.

Jindal for president in 2012?

Is Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana planning to run for president? The domain squatters (or Republican strategists) seem to think so. They’ve registered not only www.BobbyJindal2012.com, but also www.BobbyJindal2016.com and www.BobbyJindal2020.com. Also taken are www.JindalforPresident.com and www.PresidentJindal.com.

And if you’re wondering what the presidential ticket might look like, just picture the two rising stars of the GOP running together. Yes, both www.JindalPalin.com and www.PalinJindal.com have been registered. (Try not to cringe picturing Jindal as Palin’s veep.)

With Barack Obama breaking barriers, an Indian-American in the White House may not be as far-fetched as it seemed just a year ago. So what are you waiting for ... www.PresidentBobbyJindal.com is still available and so is www.PresidentPiyush.com (but probably not for long).

If they're taken, you can always try www.IndianDudeInTheWhiteHouse.com. And if that doesn't suit you, you may strike gold with www.ImpeachJindal.com.

As for me, I have my eyes set on two domain names: www.WhiteHouseScoundrel.com and www.Arghhhh!.com

Sarah Palin's emails revealed

WASHINGTON - Hackers broke into the Yahoo! e-mail account that Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin used for official business as Alaska's governor, revealing as evidence a few inconsequential personal messages she has received since John McCain selected her as his running mate. -- Associated Press

---

Hi Honey,

I know you're very busy today, but I just have an important question: do I put the clothes in first or the detergent first? And is it okay to use the Spray ’n Wash on your Victoria's Secret thong?

Love you more than ice-fishing,

Todd

---

Dear Governor Palin,

I know you've been brushing up on your foreign policy, but Senator McCain wanted me to give you a few pointers, so the media doesn’t trip you up.

1. Russia is currently at war with Georgia. Whenever you get an opportunity, please express your solidarity with Governor Sonny Purdue.

2. If someone asks you about your thoughts on Africa, just say "Mugabe" and shake your head.

3. Africa is not a country – it’s a continent. Africa consists of a number of countries, such as South Africa, North Africa and West Africa.

4. People in Iran are known as Iranians, but people in Iraq are not Iraqians. They are “civilian casualties.”

6. People in Thailand speak Thai, but people in Iceland do not speak Ice. They speak Icelandian.

7. The president of Iran is Ahmadinejad. The preferred pronunciation is A-MAD-INJURER.

8. Libya has had only three leaders over the past 40 years: Gaddafi, Khadhafi and Qadhafi. The current leader is Qadhafi. His successor is expected to be Cadarfi.

9. People from Europe are not called Euros. They are called Europeans, a Greek term that, literally translated, means “slave to the Euro.”

10. Israel is our best friend. Please don’t tell Britain.

Hope that helps.

Ross McSwain

Protesters called names at Republican Convention

ST. PAUL, Minn. -- John McCain's acceptance speech Thursday night at the Republican National Convention was interrupted a few times by protesters, including one obviously unemployed man holding a sign that said, "You can't win with an occupation."

As the protesters shouted, the crowd tried to drown out their words with chants of "USA, USA!" At least that's how it appeared to the television audience. But one delegate has admitted that he and his friends weren't being patriotic at all.

"People thought we were chanting, 'USA, USA!'" said John Melnick of Philadelphia. "But we were actually yelling, 'You assh---! You assh---!' We weren't happy with those protesters."

The three protesters -- one man and two women -- were promptly escorted out of the hall by security officers, but not before one of them hurled the ultimate insult at McCain: "You're just like Bush!"

McCain smiled and said to his supporters, "My friends, my dear friends ... please, please don't be diverted by the ground noise and the static," showing his many years of experience being interviewed on public radio.

Reporters tried to ask McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds about the protests, but Bounds put his fingers in his ears and chanted, "USA! USA! USA!"

Lie detector beeps continuously during political speeches

SAN FRANCISCO -- Technology is a good thing, but not when it keeps you from enjoying one of your passions. Just ask Arun Ramachandran, a technology whiz from India who enjoys politics. Combining his interests, he developed a special political lie detector (PLD) that beeps every time a politician tells a lie.

"I tried to sit down and enjoy the Republican National Convention, but the PLD kept beeping like there was a truck outside backing up," Ramachandran said. "Finally, my wife told me to turn it off. We were unable to enjoy any of the speeches."

Ramachandran's device is connected to a computer and scours the Internet for information that supports or contradicts a politician's statements. "Every home should have one of these," Ramachandran said. "But I'll first have to develop a PLD that just vibrates, because many wives are not going to put up with all the beeping."

When he developed the device, Ramachandran thought it would beep just once or twice during a political speech, but found that it was "as sensitive as a nun." He has since added a sensitivity setting. Users can adjust it to detect lies in four categories: (1) exaggerations; (2) fibs; (3) falsehoods; (4) total and utter BS.

"When it detects a Category 4 lie, as it did when Mike Huckabee said that Sarah Palin 'got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States,' it doesn't just beep," Ramachandran said, "it also screams 'Liar, liar, your pants are on fire.'"

Indeed, as Jim Kuhnhenn of the Associated Press wrote: "Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries."

The PLD also beeped loudly when Palin said, "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

"I'm going to have to adjust the PLD, because it considered Palin's statement a Category 3 lie," Ramachandran said. "But as we all know, it was total and utter BS."

The PLD also beeped during the Democratic National Convention, detecting a Category 4 lie when Barack Obama said that John McCain would not lower taxes for 100 million Americans while he would cut taxes for "95 percent of working families."

Said Ramachandran: "Whether it's a Republican speaking or a Democrat speaking, one thing is clear: you're going to hear a lot of BS."

Column: Walking to the White House with the senior vote

It's a Friday evening and the cafeteria at Bethel County Retirement Home in Alaska is noisier than usual, as residents discuss the big news of the day. The two ladies seated in the corner, who often spend meal times grumbling about the lumpy gravy or unmashed potatoes, find themselves drawn into the excitement.

"Did you hear the news?"

"Of course I heard the news, Esther. I'm old, but I'm not deaf. I still can't believe it. Our governor, heading to the White House."

"Not the White House, Mildred. The other house. I dunno what it's called, but I'm sure it's big. Dick Cheney lives there, you know."

"Dick who?"

"Cheney. You know, the guy who shot his friend while hunting."

"Oh, that fella. Is Sarah Palin going to be safe, moving in with him?"

"She's not moving in with him. He's going to move out first."

"Oh, that's a relief. I was starting to wonder whether it was worth it for her to be president."

"Vice-president, Mildred. The only way she'd become president is if John McCain ... you know ... croaks."

"John who?"

"McCain. You know, the guy who's old enough to move here with us."

McCain shocks America with running mate choice

DAYTON, OHIO -- In a move that stunned political experts, Republican presidential candidate John McCain announced Friday morning that he had chosen Sarah Polley as his running mate. The announcement sent shock waves through America, as politicians and others turned to their colleagues and said, "Who the $%#@ is that?"

Many were soon googling the name "Sarah Polley" and reading her Wikipedia page. They were surprised to learn that Polley is an actress and director with hardly any political experience. Even more stunning was the fact that Polley is a Canadian. Millions of people turned to Google again, asking, "Can a Canadian become vice president of America?"

As political experts debated on CNN whether McCain was trying to strengthen ties with America's northern neighbor, McCain issued a retraction, saying he had meant to say "Sarah Palin," not "Sarah Polley." Palin is the Republican governor of Alaska.

"It was an easy mistake to make," McCain said. "Their names sound alike and they've both got experience freezing their butts up north."

The choice of Palin sent more shock waves through America, as politicians and others turned to their colleagues and said, "Who the $%#@ is that?"

McCain had been considering such political veterans as Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, but said he wanted to pick someone who would give him an edge over Barack Obama, someone who was "younger and cuter."

Picking a female running mate may help McCain lure Hillary Clinton's supporters, many of whom have been slow to commit to Obama. "Of course, I want support from female voters," McCain said. "But that's not why I chose Sarah Polley. I mean, Pollen. No, hang on a minute ... let me double-check the name and get back to you."

Meanwhile, Polley said she had been "thrilled to bits" when she heard from news reporters that McCain had picked her, only to be let down a couple of hours later.

"It's disheartening," she said. "But it isn't the first time I've lost a role that I thought I had."

Column: The speech that left them speechless

What a fabulous speech Barack Obama gave at the Democratic National Convention in Denver, Colorado. It was so good that Bill Clinton turned to his wife, Hillary, and said, “What do you think, honey? Wasn’t that the best speech you’ve ever heard that I didn’t give?”

“It was a great speech,” Hillary replied. “Almost as great as the one I would have given.”

Decades from now, people will still be raving about Obama’s speech, not just die-hard Democrats but also the die-easy ones. Many will wish they could have been at the convention in Denver to witness history. Never before have so many people, not sitting on a Chicago street, held signs asking for “Change.”

History was also made, of course, when Obama became the first African-American to accept the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination, saying, “With profound gratitude and great humility, I thank Hillary Rodham Clinton once again. She is a champion of working Americans and an inspiration to my daughters and yours, showing them that with hard work and determination, they too can finish second.”

Obama was quick to attack his Republican opponent, John McCain, branding a McCain presidency as an extension of George W. Bush’s eight years in office. “On November 4, we must stand up and say: ‘Eight is enough,’” Obama said, borrowing the title of a popular 1970s television series to appeal to older voters.  “We must ‘Get Smart’ and climb aboard ‘The Love Boat’ for some ‘Good Times’ and ‘Happy Days.’”

Is history on Hillary Clinton's side?

Hillary Clinton trounced Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary, but it didn't do much for her chances of winning the Democratic Party's presidential nomination. Even so, Clinton hasn't given up. She's trying her best to convince superdelegates that she's the one who can beat John McCain in November.

Her campaign argues that she can catch Obama in the popular vote by turning out the vote in the remaining five contests.

Clinton has also continued to tout her electability, saying she's more fit to go up against Sen. John McCain, the presumptive GOP nominee, in November.

"I'm winning Catholic voters and Hispanic voters and blue-collar workers and seniors, the kind of people that Sen. McCain will be fighting for in the general election," Clinton said earlier.

Reiterating a point she has made frequently while campaigning in West Virginia, Clinton pointed out Tuesday that no Democrat has won the White House since 1916 without winning West Virginia. [Link]

We can add that to our list of historical trivia. Perhaps Clinton should mention a few others:

No Democrat has won the White House since 1916 without being able to pee standing up.

No Democrat has won the White House since 1916 without shaving every day.

No Democrat has won the White House since 1916 without having a spouse who was once pregnant.

I like Hillary Clinton. But to trot out historical trivia during an unprecedented nomination race between a Kenyan-American man and a white woman is really grasping at straws.

Come on, China: Free Nepal!

Stephen Hadley, President Bush's National Security Adviser, recently appeared on ABC's "This Week" with George Stephanopoulos and was asked about Tibet and the intention of some countries to boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games in China. Here's what he said, according to a transcript on Huffington Post (via SAJAForum):

"If countries are really concerned about Nepal, we shouldn't have this sort of non-issue of opening ceremonies or not. They should do the hard work of quiet diplomacy to urge the Chinese government -- in their interest -- to take advantage of this opportunity to do something," Hadley said. [Link]

Did he say 'Nepal'? He must have just misspoken.

He went on, "The way to deal with the issue of Nepal is not by some -- a statement that you're not going to the opening ceremonies and say, therefore, I checked the Nepal box." [Link]

Did he say it again? Well, Tibet and Nepal are next to each other, so it's easy to get them mixed up -- just as millions of people around the world get America and Mexico mixed up.

And it didn't end there. "What he's doing on Nepal is what we think the international community ought to be doing, which is approaching the Chinese privately through diplomatic channels and sending a very firm message of concern for human rights, a concern for what's happening in Nepal ... ." [Link]

He said 'Nepal' two more times! Didn't Stephanunscrupulous correct him? Nope, apparently not. Perhaps he thought 'Nepal' and 'Tibet' are one and the same, too.

It's one thing when Bush messes up. We're used to that. But this is the guy who advises Bush, the guy who's supposed to set him straight.

Makes you wonder what other countries have been mixed up, doesn't it?

Bush: "I just followed your advice, Stephen. I just ordered an invasion of Iraq to protect America from WMDs."

Hadley: "Iraq? I thought I said Iran."

Bush: "No, you definitely said Iraq. You said it five times. It's in the minutes of our meeting."

Hadley: "Well, I believe Iran is a bigger threat to our security."

Bush: "Are you sure you mean Iran?"

Hadley: "Well, I'll have to check the intelligence reports again, but I'm sure it's a country beginning with 'I'."

Bush: "You idiot! Don't tell me we were supposed to invade India!"

Column: Obama belongs to all of us

I have a message for my African-American friends: Stop claiming Barack Obama as one of yours. He's not one of yours. He's one of OURS. In case you haven't checked, Obama isn't just black. He's half-black, half-white and half-Asian. Okay, perhaps he isn't half-Asian, but his step-father was Indonesian, he was raised partly in Indonesia, and most of his clothes are from Asia. So don't you dare laugh when you're driving through Chinatown and see a bumper sticker that says "I'm Voting For Obama. He's Almost Asian!"

If you're Hispanic, you can take pride in him too. Did you know that Obama loves tortilla chips and salsa, and he once sat through an entire Jennifer Lopez movie? Yes, the man has gone to great pains to discover his Hispanic side.

When they make a movie about Obama, you'll see him flying to the White House in a cape, with people gazing up and gasping, "It's a black man! It's a white man! It's everyman!"

Obama identified himself with the African-American community as a young man, partly because he felt a need to belong, and that suits everyone just fine, because we love to put people into neat categories. But his background is quite different from most African-Americans. After all, there aren't many African-Americans who could organize a family reunion and harbor a slight fear that Dick Cheney might show up.

And there aren't many African-Americans who could fly to Africa, host a dinner party for their extended family and have hundreds of people showing up, most of whom are actually related to them.

The "fantastic" and "romantic" war in Afghanistan

George W. Bush puts his foot in his mouth more often than he puts it in his shoe. At least that's how it seems. And for that reason alone, I'm going to miss him when he leaves the White House. I'm going to miss all the goofy moments, all the times when international observers must wonder what Americans were smoking in 2004.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush got an earful on Thursday about problems and progress in Afghanistan where a war has dragged on for more than six years but been largely eclipsed by Iraq.

In a videoconference, Bush heard from U.S. military and civilian personnel about the challenges ranging from fighting local government and police corruption to persuading farmers to abandon a lucrative poppy drug trade for other crops.

Bush heard tales of all-night tea drinking sessions to coax local residents into cooperating, and of tribesmen crossing mountains to attend government meetings seen as building blocks for the country's democracy-in-the-making.

"I must say, I'm a little envious," Bush said. "If I were slightly younger and not employed here, I think it would be a fantastic experience to be on the front lines of helping this young democracy succeed."

"It must be exciting for you ... in some ways romantic, in some ways, you know, confronting danger. You're really making history, and thanks," Bush said. [Link]

I can understand why Bush is "envious." During the Vietnam War, he was forced to serve in the Texas Air National Guard and was never called to Vietnam, though he got on his knees and pleaded with his superiors to send him. Even his influential father, George H. W. Bush, a Congressman at the time, couldn't pull enough strings to get his son into the war. Poor G.W. was stuck in Texas and deprived of the "fantastic experience" of getting bullets fired at him.

Bush was, of course, just giving a pep talk to the personnel in Afghanistan, trying to make them feel better about their situation. And it probably worked with some of them. But others, I imagine, are tired of being over there and wish they could trade places with Bush, at least for a day, so he could find out for himself just how "romantic" the Taliban can be.

The Politician and the Prostitute

Eliot Spitzer has resigned as governor of New York after being caught using an "escort service." He's not the first politician to hire a call girl -- even JFK brought them to the White House -- and certainly won't be the last. Yet politicians rarely come to the defense of prostitutes, as Canadian journalist Jeet Heer notes in the National Post's blog.

There is something tragic about the relationship between prostitutes and politicians. The two professions have a hidden affinity: Both are essential and perennial human activities that are unfairly maligned. If you label someone a politician or a prostitute, it’s likely that you’re seeking to insult them. Politicians are often stereotyped as amoral and insincere, always performing a role and never being themselves, eager to please, willing to say or do anything to achieve their ends. A similar set of moral strictures hover around the terrible word “whore.”

Yet no human society can exist without politics, without leaders who are skilled in deal-making, coalition-building and compromise. [Link]

In other words, we're stuck with politicians, in much the same way that we're stuck with boogers. We can remove the former from office, just as we can remove the latter from orifice. But we can't eliminate them. In fact, they perform a rather important job. Boogers, that is. Well, politicians too, I suppose.

Since politicians and prostitutes are both wrongly denigrated, we need a legal and cultural revolution to help rehabilitate these professions. The first step is to decriminalize all forms of prostitution, except where it involves minors or coercion. Libertarians have cogently argued that, as with attempts to prohibit alcohol and drugs, the squalor of prostitution comes in large part from it being a crime, making it a profession vulnerable to control by gangsters. [Link]

No, no, say the Dutch. Don't make prostitution legal in your country. If it's legal in your country, what's going to happen to our tourism industry? Besides, there are lots of gangsters involved in prostitution here. Do you want some of them to come over there?

No, no, say the morality police. If we legalize prostitution, an attractive young woman might choose to sleep with a number of rich old men to make a living, instead of just marrying and divorcing one of them.

Decriminalization is only the first step. We also need to challenge moral odium that hangs over prostitution. In a better world, being a prostitute would be seen as a job, no better or worse than being a plumber, a miner, a doctor or a politician. Legalized and made respectable, prostitutes will be able to safely keep company with politicians. [Link]

It's a big step: legalizing prostitution. Perhaps we should take a small step first: legalizing prostitution for politicians. I don't mean that politicians can prostitute themselves (that's already legal) -- I mean that they can hire prostitutes to help them overcome the stress of their jobs.

What do you say, Bill Clinton -- do ya like that law?

Photo by Ryan Junell

Another Muslim Elected to Congress

The Muslims are taking over Congress! The Muslims are taking over Congress!

Well, not really, but I'm sure some folks are starting to panic, wondering if this is some kind of sinister Al Qaeda plot -- along with sneaking that Hussein guy into the White House.

INDIANAPOLIS (Reuters) - Indiana voters on Tuesday elected a Muslim to Congress, only the second of that faith chosen in U.S. history.

Andre Carson, grandson of the late Democrat Rep. Julia Carson, was elected to serve the balance of her term in the U.S. House of Representatives in a special election.

She died in December 2007, after serving 11 years in the heavily Democratic district.

The younger Carson, 33, a member of the Indianapolis City Council who converted to Islam about a decade ago, will serve out the remainder of his grandmother's term through calendar 2008. He beat Republican Jon Elrod and a third party candidate with 52 percent of the vote to 44 percent for Elrod.

The first and only other Muslim member of the U.S. Congress is Rep. Keith Ellison of Minnesota, also a Democrat, who is in his first term. [Link]

Until 2006, no Muslim had ever been elected to a federal position in America -- and now there are two Muslim Congressmen! That's quite remarkable, considering that we're only six years removed from 9/11 and "Islamophobia" is still a staple of right-wing talk radio.

I can already hear Bill Cunningham's rant: "“Two Muslims in Congress! We've got two of them! There were none in 2006, now there are two. At this rate, we'll have 50 of them by 2030 and 100 by 2050. And before you know it, USA will stand for United Shiites of America!

"We need to stop them now. We need to vote for Christians, Hindus, Sikhs, Jews, Buddhists, Atheists -- anyone but Muslims. Like our forefathers, we need to maintain a Muslim-free Congress."           

Republicans beat me to "hot" domain names

When it comes to registering domain names, I'm such an amateur. I can't seem to register a single name that might one day bring me a fortune.  I mean, Nshima.com is nice, but it's probably never going to be worth much, unless Kraft Foods starts producing packets of instant nshima. And even then, I'll probably lose out to the person who registers InstantNshima.com

There are so many good domain names I could have registered, but I'm just not fast enough. For example, I missed out on a chance to register HopelessHillary.com, AmateurObama.com and HateMcCain.com. So what if I don't think Hillary is hopeless, Obama is an amateur and McCain should be hated? I could have still made a fortune selling the domain names to the Republican National Committee. But they've already got them -- and a whole lot more, according to Kitty Bennett of the New York Times.

Cannotrustclinton.com? clintonisbad.com? At least 25 domain names related to Hillary Rodham Clinton have links to the Republican National Committee: the names were either registered by the R.N.C. last year or showed up on servers the committee uses. Half a dozen seemed to guess at Mrs. Clinton’s eventual running mate, like clintonomalley.com, referring to Gov. Martin O’Malley of Maryland.

The day after Barack Obama won the Iowa caucuses, the R.N.C. snapped up at least 20 domains related to his candidacy. Some of them may signal the party’s future strategy: baracknotready.com and norealexperience.com. The party has also begun preemptively registering domains that could be used to attack John McCain, like mccainamigos.com, voteagainstmccain.com, flipflopmccain.com and hatemccain.com (ihatemccain.com was taken.)

The Democratic Party and the campaigns have shown little of the verve and creativity of the R.N.C. The Obama campaign registered desperatehillaryattacks.com in December. The Clinton campaign registered votingpresent.com two days later, an apparent reference to Mr. Obama’s votes as a member of the Illinois legislature. The party has been focused more on the national convention, registering variations of denverdemconvention08.com in February, but so far apparently no domains related to Mr. McCain. [Link]

When it comes to domain names, the Republicans are giving the Democrats a butt-kicking. Perhaps I should register that domain name: RepublicansGiveDemsButtKicking.com

Come on, Democrats, it's time to get nasty. Here are a few domain names you can register: McCainsGotNoBrain.com, McCainsaPain.com and InsaneMcCain.com.

Of course, if I'm suggesting a domain name, it's either worthless or already taken.

Column: Too old to rule? Only if you drool

Fidel Castro ruled Cuba for almost 50 years, but the 81-year-old is ailing, so it's not surprising that the presidency of the country has been officially passed to his youthful brother Raul, who is only 76.

Raul's top vice president, Jose Ramon Machado, is young too. The revolutionary leader is only 77. The other five vice presidents are 56, 80, 68, 63 and 71. If you're good at math, you've already figured out that the average age of Cuba's top seven leaders is 70. And you've also realized that there must be something wrong with a political system that doesn't give opportunities to people in their late eighties and nineties.

If you're 93 and want to hold a top political post, you should be given a chance. I say this because one of my readers, Ernestine "Ernie" Stripe, is 93 and she would make a fine Cuban vice president.  (If you're reading this Raul, please appoint Ernie as one of your vice presidents, so people do not accuse you of age discrimination.)

Just because you're old, it doesn't mean you can't be a good leader. Old people have a lot of wisdom and they also have lots of experience doing what politicians do the most: sitting around and talking. They're also good at shaking hands and waving.

Osama is running, but not for the presidency

It happened again, a goof-up by a television network at Barack Obama's expense and this time it wasn't just a typo or slip of the tongue.

NEW YORK - NBC News said Tuesday it has reprimanded the employee responsible for mistakenly flashing a picture of Osama bin Laden on MSNBC as Chris Matthews talked about Barack Obama.

"This mistake was inexcusable," MSNBC spokesman Jeremy Gaines said.

It happened during the opening of "Hardball" Monday evening. Matthews was previewing a story on the controversy over Obama's use of another politician's words, and a picture of bin Laden briefly flashed on the screen beside him with the headline "Words About Words." [Link] [video clip]

Inexcusable indeed. They need to apologize not only to Obama, but also to Osama. He hates America and the last thing he wants his followers to think is that he's running for president.

The Obama campaign immediately called NBC to complain, and Matthews apologized on the air a few minutes later. When "Hardball" was rerun later that night, a picture of Obama replaced the picture of the terrorist leader.

The mistake was made by someone in the network's graphics department whom MSNBC would not identify. The network did not explain exactly how the mistake was made nor detail the punishment for the employee. [Link]

This is what happens when you outsource your graphics to Bangalore. Or maybe it's what happens when you don't outsource your graphics to Bangalore. Whatever the case, it looks like someone's going to be spending the next few months fetching coffee for Keith Olbermann.

Obama spokesman Tommy Vietor noted the apology and said the campaign had no other comment.

It's hardly the first time the presidential candidate and terrorist leader have been confused in the media. CNN apologized last year for promoting a story on the search for bin Laden with the headline, "Where's Obama?"

One other time, CNN's Alina Cho reported that "Barack Obama's campaign has been dogged by false rumors, among them that Osama is a Muslim, Obama rather." [Link]

Perhaps all the networks should give their employees a chart:

Obama                                                           Osama

Loves America                                                Hates America

Running for president                                      Running for his life

Clean-shaven and has nothing on his head         Bearded and has nothing in his head

Graduated from Harvard Law School                 Graduated from Riyadh Elementary School

Has one wife and two daughters                       Has five wives and a soccer team

My wife likes Hillary Clinton

I like both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, and would be happy to see either one in the White House. As a humorist, I'd be thrilled to have the opportunity to make fun of either one for the next four years. In terms of humor, I have a slight preference for Clinton -- with Bill back in the White House as First Gent, there'd be no shortage of material.

My wife, on the other hand, has a strong preference for Clinton and it's not about gender. She explains it all in her blog post. Please tell her how WRONG she is. Unless you agree with her, of course.

Clinton losing battle of endorsements?

Barack Obama won the South Carolina primary over the weekend, but even more significant, he's won some major endorsements. Caroline Kennedy, Sen. Edward Kennedy and his son Patrick Kennedy have thrown their support behind him, with Caroline comparing Obama to her late father, John F. Kennedy.

I have never had a president who inspired me the way people tell me that my father inspired them. But for the first time, I believe I have found the man who could be that president — not just for me, but for a new generation of Americans. [Link]

That's a huge endorsement. And you can bet Obama is trying hard to also get the endorsements of the son of Martin Luther King Jr. and the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi. Well, perhaps not the latter.

Getting the three Kennedy endorsements is a major coup for Obama, but all isn't lost for Hillary Clinton. She still has a chance to get the endorsement of John F. Kennedy's fourth cousin's daughter's mother-in-law's gardener's wife. (And when it happens, it'll be BREAKING NEWS on CNN.)

Actually, Clinton has done better than that.

Trying to dilute the impact of the twin endorsements by the brother and daughter of the late president, the Clinton campaign on Sunday issued a statement of support from Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, a former lieutenant governor in Maryland and a daughter of Robert F. Kennedy.

“I respect Caroline and Teddy’s decision, but I have made a different choice,” Ms. Townsend said in her statement, adding: “At this moment when so much is at stake at home and overseas, I urge our fellow Americans to support Hillary Clinton. That is why my brother Bobby, my sister Kerry, and I are supporting Hillary Clinton.” [Link]

Robert F. Kennedy's children are behind Clinton, but what about his widow? We need to know where she stands and we need to know NOW.

What we do know is that in November 2005 she referred to Obama as “our next president.”

“I think he feels it. He feels it just like Bobby did,” Mrs. Kennedy said in an interview that day, comparing her late husband’s quest for social justice to Mr. Obama’s. “He has the passion in his heart. He’s not selling you. It’s just him.” [Link]

So there's a split in the Kennedy clan, but it's not unusual for members of a family to disagree, especially when it comes to politics. Just look at the Rev. Jesse Jackson's family.

Mr. Jackson, the long-time civil rights activist, is supporting Mr. Obama while his wife, Jacqueline Jackson, is supporting Mrs. Clinton. Their son, Representative Jesse Jackson Jr., is supporting Mr. Obama. [Link]

I don't know about you, but I want to know who's getting the endorsement of all the other Jacksons: Michael, Jermaine, La Toya, Janet and others.

Column: A fight that's making boxing history

Are you enjoying the big fight? I am. I lost interest in boxing in the 1990s, soon after Mike Tyson fell from grace, but I'm enjoying the sport once again, thanks to all the jabs and fancy footwork in this epic Obama-Clinton clash.

The first round went to Barack Obama, known in boxing circles as The Barackuda. He landed dozens of punches and also followed an unusual boxing tactic: stomping on Hillary Clinton's toes. So dominant was he that when the bell rang, she ran to her corner, sat down and cried. "Boo hoo! He hurt me!"

Everyone thought she'd throw in the towel and run to the locker room, but she's a real fighter. Her trainer, Bill, got her ready, wiping away her tears, treating the cut below her eye and pumping her up with words such as "Go get him, girl!" and "He's a man. Hit him where it hurts!"

Obama came out strong in Round Two with a series of jabs that convinced boxing experts he'd easily win the round. But with a minute left, Clinton stunned everyone with a well-aimed punch that almost floored Obama. Poor guy didn't know what hit him. "Ouch!" he said, staggering into the ropes. "Thank God I wore a cup."

Before he could recover, she nailed him again with an uppercut to the chin, then elbowed him in the gut. “Is that allowed?” Obama asked, but the female referee was distracted by Trainer Bill, who was flashing his undershorts at her. “Hey ref,” Bill shouted. “How'd you like to handle these boxers?”

After splitting the first two rounds, the fighters were determined to win Round Three and came out with a flurry of punches, prompting some boxing analysts to start comparing the fight to the classic 1975 Ali-Frazier clash, known as the Thrilla in Manila. The main difference, of course, was that Ali and Frazier didn't fight dirty.

Clinton or Obama, it's going to be a first

I love it. I love seeing both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama doing so well. I'd love to see one of them win it all and make history, giving America either its first black president or first female president. (It would have been nice to get both firsts at once, but Oprah doesn't want to take a pay cut.)

It would really be strange seeing Bill Clinton return to the White House as First Lad (a term others have suggested). When Hillary is in those high-powered meetings with other heads of state, what's Bill going to be doing -- chatting up the interns? Perhaps he'll be in the laundry room, ironing her shirts.

America would have another President Clinton, but the 2009 version might just be better, especially since she's already had some experience in the Oval Office, even if it's just looking through the keyhole.

If Obama wins, I'm eager to see whom he appoints to his Cabinet. Will the majority of his Cabinet be minority? Will he appoint a few token non-minorities? Actually, I'm sure the non-minorities would be in the majority. Which would be fine, of course. The important thing is to appoint qualified people, as well as a few of your college buddies.

Perhaps we'll see a Clinton-Obama ticket, which would give us three firsts. We would not only have the first female president and first black vice president, it would also be the first time someone has replaced his cousin as veep.

There is a chance, of course, that neither Clinton nor Obama will win the presidency. Perhaps it'll be John Edwards or John McCain or Mike Huckabee. Perhaps America will elect a white man as president.

Well, if we can't have a first, at least we'll have a 44th.

Barack Obama moves closer to presidency

In my last column, I predicted that Barack Obama would become America's first African-American president. Since then, he's taken a commanding lead in the race to become the Democratic Party's nominee, making Hillary Clinton cry and Joe Biden say "bye."

It's still early in the race, but Obama is making people believe that he can win in November, that the White House need not be a White Only House.

Polls have indicated the vast majority of Americans say they would support a black candidate seeking the White House. A Gallup survey conducted in early 2007 found only 6 percent of men and 5 percent of women said they would not vote for a black presidential candidate — a seismic political shift from 50 years ago when more than half those surveyed felt that way. [Link]

That's an amazing change, something that should make Americans proud. Well, everyone except the 6 percent of men and 5 percent of women who are boobs.

Though Obama's win captured headlines and gave his campaign fresh credibility, he is not the first black candidate to triumph in a Democratic presidential contest.

In 1988, civil rights leader Jesse Jackson, making his second bid for the White House, piled up Democratic primary wins in Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, Virginia and the District of Columbia along with caucus victories in South Carolina and Michigan.

But Obama's roots and resume — as well as his campaign — are unlike other black candidates who've run for president. The son of a father from Kenya and a mother from Kansas, Obama was just a child during the dawn of the civil rights movement, grew up in Hawaii and Indonesia and has not made race the centerpiece of his candidacy.  [Link]

His mother is a white Kansan, his father was a black Kenyan, and he's biracial, with strong ties to both communities. He's like a rainbow candidate, but without a Mexican grandfather and Chinese grandmother.

"Obama is running in a way that a lot of white voters feel very sympathetic," said Merle Black, an Emory University political scientist. "He doesn't make them feel guilty. He's not running a Jesse Jackson campaign or an Al Sharpton campaign. He's positioned himself to be a candidate who happens to be black, rather than a black candidate."  [Link]

That's an important distinction. Most Americans don't really care if the CEO of their company happens to be black, as long as he knows how to perform magic in the boardroom; they don't really care if their surgeon happens to be black, as long as he know how to perform magic in the operating room; and they don't really care if their plumber happens to be black, as long as he knows how to perform magic in the bathroom.

Benazir Bhutto's death affects so many

The assassination of Benazir Bhutto, Pakistan's former prime minister, has affected millions of people around the world in varying degrees.

It has affected her immediate family. They have lost a wife and a mother, a person they can never replace.

It has affected her supporters. They will have to find a new leader, a person they can rally behind. Some of them will never be able to run through the streets chanting another leader's name again.

It has affected her opponents and enemies. They will have to find someone else to hate. Some of them won't be able to sleep at night until they can say to themselves, "If only so-and-so were dead, our lives would be better."

It has affected the children of Pakistan. Some of them are sad that a leader has been killed, that their country is enduring more violence, while others are excited that they get three days off school.

It has affected speech writers around the world. Many of them had to scramble to write statements that politicians could read, condemning the violence, offering sympathy and appearing to know what was going on in Pakistan.

It has affected the media, especially the 24-hour news networks. They had to drop other news stories and fill their airtime with hundreds of Pakistan-related reports and interviews. Just about anybody with a Pakistani connection was put on the air, even the doorman at The Ritz-Carlton who once exchanged pleasantries with the Pakistani ambassador.

It has affected people who hadn't even heard of her, people who turned on CNN, BBC or some other network and said to themselves, "Benazir who? I didn't know Muslim women were allowed to leave the kitchen."

Want to relive your past? Run for political office

If you're thinking of running for political office, here's a warning: get ready to relive your past. If you did anything wrong, your opponents will dig it up and use it against you. So you'd better be prepared to explain yourself if you did any of the following:  (1) Used a racial epithet; (2) Slept with a woman other than your wife; (3) Expressed a ridiculous opinion; (4) Cheated in Monopoly; (5) Picked your nose in public; (6)Wet your bed as a toddler; (7) Asked Michael Vick for his autograph; (8) Prayed to the wrong god; (8) Drove under the influence; (10) Allowed your children to watch South Park.

Almost anything in your past is fair game, almost anything can come back to haunt you. Did you fire a rubber band into a girl's face in fourth grade? How can we trust you with nuclear weapons? Did you have trouble balancing your checking account in college? How can we trust you to balance the budget? Did you volunteer in a soup kitchen, feeding the poor? How can we trust you to give tax breaks to the rich?

The road to the White House is littered with flawed candidates and the skeletons they couldn't keep in their closets. Mike Huckabee, a Republican candidate who's currently surging in the polls, probably wishes he could keep his son in the closet. Almost a decade ago, David Huckabee was involved in the hanging of a stray dog (I'm not sure if he was sick or just trying to impress Vick). His father, the then-governor of Arkansas, allegedly tried to hush it up -- and it could come back to bite him in the butt. But that's not all Mike Huckabee has to worry about.  Back in 1992, he stated that people with HIV/AIDS should be isolated from the public. He should have known better, of course. It was quite clear by then that the disease could not be spread by casual contact and, while Huckabee was making his unfounded statement, much smarter people were giving hugs to Magic Johnson.

So if you happen to be driving toward Washington D.C. and see a few skeletons on the side of the highway, along with the muddied figure of a former candidate, say a prayer if you wish, but don't take your foot off the gas pedal. If you give the scoundrel a ride, it might come back to haunt you.

With Oprah behind him, how can Obama lose?

Barack Obama is trying to become the first African-American to lead America, but he stands no real chance of doing that, partly because Oprah Winfrey, who is campaigning for him, is already the first  African-American to lead America. She has more followers than George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush and all the other Bushmen. She has more followers than all the presidential candidates put together. (Yes, even Dennis Kucinich.) Hers is no ordinary celebrity endorsement, as Richard Roeper writes in the Chicago Sun-Times.

Maybe not everyone who shows up to see their Television Best Friend in person will follow up by casting a vote for Obama -- but there's little doubt that thousands if not millions of previously disenfranchised citizens WILL vote for Obama, simply because Oprah says it's the right thing to do.

Look. They buy Oprah-endorsed cookbooks that quickly gather dust on the shelves. (Oprah fans who still regularly cook recipes from In the Kitchen With Rosie, please step forward.) They subscribe to O magazine and read every issue from cover to cover. They rush out and buy Oprah's latest book recommendation, even if it's another wrenching tale of heartbreak, or a John Steinbeck book they read in high school.

They consume specific types of camcorders, tall boots, watches, cupcakes, mixers, soaps, DVD collections, board games, skin care products and CDs because these products were featured on the "Oprah's Favorite Things" show. [Link]

If Oprah recommended eating baked beans for breakfast, the grocery store would quickly run out of air freshener.

They follow the Knights of Oprah -- the trainers and the interior designers and the advice experts who become regulars on her show.

They rush out to buy The Secret, one of the biggest chunks of utter hokum ever published.

If Oprah went on her show tomorrow and said the ultimate key to inner peace is to pretend you're a dog instead of saying hello when you greet other people, you wouldn't get through your day without somebody greeting you with a "Woof! Woof!" while sniffing your ankles. [Link]

Oprah may not get everyone to bark, but she'll get many people to "Barack! Barack!"

Photo by Joe Crimmings

Bush sets a record

Congratulations to President Bush. He has just set a record.

One-half of all Americans now say they strongly disapprove of President Bush's job performance, an historic low in the Gallup Poll.

The latest survey finds Bush lower than any previous president in the "strongly disapprove" category, dating back to the administration of Lyndon Johnson.

Gallup also says only three in ten Americans approve of the way Bush is doing his job. [Link]

Richard Nixon is rolling in his grave. He used to be the leader in the "strongly disapprove" category, scoring 48% just before he was impeached resigned. Well, at least he held the title for 33 years. And at least the title went to a fellow Republican, one who will carry it proudly.

If waterboarding isn't torture, let's try it on you

Remember the days when America was a bastion of human rights, showing the world what was good and right? Yeah, neither do I. America has never been perfect -- which country has? -- but in recent years, the country's human rights record has made Chinese leader Hu Jintao a little nervous, saying to his cabinet, "Are they competing with us?"

He has nothing to worry about, of course. America has a long way to go to catch up with China, but under President Bush, the country is preparing for the race, injecting itself with steroids. "China may be too far ahead," Bush is telling his staff, "but perhaps we can beat Cuba."

Thankfully, most Americans don't want to be part of this race, especially if it involves torture and the victim isn't Ann Coulter.

A majority of Americans consider waterboarding a form of torture, but some of those say it's OK for the U.S. government to use the technique, according to a poll released Tuesday.

Asked whether they think waterboarding is a form of torture, more than two-thirds of respondents, or 69 percent, said yes; 29 percent said no.

Asked whether they think the U.S. government should be allowed to use the procedure to try to get information from suspected terrorists, 58 percent said no; 40 percent said yes.

In the procedure, water is used on restrained prisoners to make them feel like they are drowning. [Link]

"To make them feel like they are drowning" is a nice way of putting it. More accurate is "to scare the bejesus out of them." You've probably seen this technique in movies -- bad guys are always having their heads dunked in water and the end seems to justify the means. But I can't believe there's any question it's torture. Those 40 percent who say it's an acceptable procedure are probably the type of people who also believe it's okay to force prisoners to listen to Celine Dion.

Musharraf declares emergency in Pakistan

As you may have heard, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf declared a state of emergency on Saturday. Here is the text of the official proclamation:

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Whereas there is visible increase in the activities of extremists and incidents of terrorist attacks, including suicide bombings, IED explosions, rocket firing and bomb explosions, posing a grave threat to Pakistani citizens, as well as their noble and benevolent leader, known to everyone affectionately as Uncle Perv;

Whereas there has also been a spate of attacks on state infrastructure and law enforcement agencies, to the extent that ordinary citizens are asking questions such as, "What law enforcement?" and "We had infrastructure?";

Whereas some members of the judiciary are working against the executive and legislature, thereby weakening the government and eroding the nation's resolve to fight the growing menace of democracy;

Whereas constant interference in executive functions, including but not limited to the control of terrorist activity, economic policy, price controls, downsizing of corporations and urban planning, has weakened the government, demoralized the police force, and caused great happiness to Benazir Bhutto;

Whereas some hardcore militants, extremists, terrorists and suicide bombers, who were arrested and being investigated, were ordered to be released, giving many of them an opportunity to join the media and make fun of me;

Whereas some judges have overstepped the limits of judicial authority and taken over the executive and legislative functions, undermining my ability to execute my power and increasing my desire to execute them;

Whereas the government is committed to the independence of the judiciary and the rule of law and holds the superior judiciary in high esteem, it is nonetheless of paramount importance that the honourable judges confine the scope of their activity to such matters as parking violations and fender benders;

Whereas an important constitutional institution, the Supreme Judicial Council, has been made entirely irrelevant by a recent order and judges have, thus, made themselves immune from inquiry into their conduct and put themselves beyond accountability, a position I know nothing about;

And whereas the situation has been reviewed in meetings with the prime minister, governors of all four provinces, and chiefs of the armed forces, and discussed in bed with my wife, Sehba;

Now, therefore, in pursuance of the deliberations and decisions of the said meetings and discussions, I General Pervez Musharraf, known also as Uncle Perv, proclaim emergency throughout Pakistan and parts of Kashmir.

Why Sarkozy likes America

Appearing on the CBS news show "60 Minutes," Nicolas Sarkozy, the president of France, spoke of his admiration of America.

Sarkozy said he admired Americans' work ethic and the opportunities for advancement in the country, irrespective of class or background.

He said while his Hungarian father had worried that his surname would be an obstacle in France, "he was proven wrong."

"That's what he thought. That a name like Sarkozy was a handicap," the president said. "That's the reason why I like the United States. You can have a name like Schwarzenegger and be governor of California. You can be called Madeleine Albright and be secretary of state. You can be called Colin Powell or Condi Rice, and succeed." [Link]

I think he's overstating it. Schwarzenegger was a movie star and household name. Albright, Powell and Rice were appointed. Sure, Louisiana just elected Bobby Jindal as its governor, but his first name is as American as liposuction and his last name is pretty short and non-threatening. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think America is ready for President Lakshmanathan Balasubramaniam. Or President Lupando Kwamanakweenda. Or President Ibrahim bin Abdullah Al Sadr.

But first, we'll have to see if America is ready for First Lady Bill Clinton. I mean, First Gent Bill Clinton.

Hurrah for Jindal -- I mean, Boo!

Bobby Jindal has just been elected governor of Louisiana, trouncing the opposition like Marion Jones on steroids. When he takes office in January, he will become the first Indian-American to lead a state. So Indian-Americans should be excited, right? Well, the vast majority of them are liberals, whereas Jindal is as conservative as they come. That's why, all over the country, Indian-Americans were unsure how to react to Jindal's victory. Let's look at what happened in one household.

Manoj (jumping in living room): "Manju! Manju! Where's the champagne? Jindal has won! Oh my God! I don't believe it. A desi governor! I never thought I'd see the day. Look at him! He has brown skin like mine. And he's skinny like me. Oh happy day!"

Manju (replying from kitchen): "Jindal won? Oh well. Good night! I'm going to bed."

Manoj: "Going to bed? What about the champagne? Aren't we going to celebrate?"

Manju: "I didn't buy the champagne. You told me not to, remember? You said Jindal is a Republican, that he's George Bush with a tan. You called him U2, because he's always selling out."

Manoj: "But he's Indian-American! Look at him! He has done something great, opened the doors for all of us. Our son might run for governor, thanks to him."

Manju: "Our son might run from governor, thanks to him. He voted in favor of making the Patriot Act permanent."

Manoj: "But he's Indian-American! Look at him!"

Manju: "He voted to cut $70 billion in taxes for the wealthiest Americans."

Manoj: "But he's Indian-American! Look at him!"

Manju: "He voted for Jordin Sparks, not Sanjaya."

Manoj: "Bastard! Turn the TV off. Let's go to bed."

Rudy Giuliani loves his wife

I just returned home from a three-week vacation and while I was gone, something amazing happened: Rudy Giuliani spoke to his wife. He told her he loves her. Twice. In the middle of a speech. Here's the video of the earth-shattering moment:

Wow, what a great family man! He loves his wife, Judy, so much, he's willing to take a phone call from her in the middle of a speech. Everyone should vote for him!

Isn't it wonderful that Judy just happened to call him in the middle of speech? Otherwise Americans wouldn't know what a great family man he is and some of them would end up voting for Hillary Clinton or some other presidential candidate who doesn't know the first thing about family values.

Homosexuality inside the Republican family

It takes guts to change your position, to admit that you made a mistake, especially when you're a Republican politician and will be called "a flip-flopper," "a waffler" or, worst of all, "a liberal." So I have to give Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, a lot of credit for switching his position on same-sex marriage and doing what the second most powerful man in America just can't get himself to do.

Mayor Jerry Sanders abruptly reversed his public opposition to marriage for same-sex partners and revealed that his adult daughter is a lesbian.

Sanders on Wednesday signed a City Council resolution supporting a challenge to California's gay marriage ban. He previously promised to veto it.

The Republican mayor said he could no longer back the position he took during his election campaign two years ago, when he said he favored civil unions but not full marriage rights for homosexual couples.

He fought back tears as he said he wanted his adult daughter, Lisa, and other gay people he knows to have their relationships protected equally under state laws.

"In the end, I could not look any of them in the face and tell them that their relationships their very lives were any less meaningful than the marriage that I share with my wife Rana," Sanders said. [Link]

Yep, it's a lot easier to oppose same-sex marriage when no member of your family is gay or lesbian, when it doesn't affect one of your own.Sanders obviously has a conscience. Dick Cheney is still searching for his, probably in the same place that he's searching for WMDs.

Four More Supporters For Fred

Fred Thompson, the former U.S. senator who played a district attorney on Law & Order, is running for president, and his campaign has kicked off in a big way in Utah.

A handful of Utah "Fredheads" - political activists supporting the late entry of Republican Fred Thompson into the presidential sweepstakes - gathered Thursday in Salt Lake City to kick off their campaign for the oldest fresh face in the race.

Just four Thompson supporters showed up at Utah Republican Party headquarters for the event, leaving dozens of untouched cookies and vegetable snacks provided in hopes a much bigger crowd would materialize. [Link]

But on a positive note, there were enough supporters at the event to hold up the letters "F-R-E-D."

I'm really surprised more people didn't show up. Perhaps all the promotional posters and fliers said, "Please come and support the Fred Thompson for President campaign." It would have been more effective, of course, to say, "Free cookies!!! Free cookies!!! Come and eat them in support of Fred."

It shouldn't be difficult to attract more than four people in Utah, especially if refreshments are served and men are allowed to bring ALL their wives.