FunnyColumns

Think twice before naming your baby

If you’re having a baby and thinking of potential names, please don’t be too creative. Your baby will have to live with that name for a very long time, at least until he or she is old enough to change the name officially. So please stay away from a name like “Pomegranate.” If you want to name your baby daughter after a fruit, try something that’s more acceptable like “Cantaloupe” or “Kumquat.”

If you want to name your son after a car, please stay away from names like “Mercedes” or “Kia.” Those are girls’ names. You’re better off with something masculine such as “Cadillac” or “Land Rover.” But don’t complain if some kid in kindergarten climbs on your son and tries to drive him around.

Whatever name you choose, please try not to be as creative as some celebrities. Singer Jermaine Jackson named his fourth son Jermajesty, magician Penn Jillette named his daughter Moxie CrimeFighter, actor Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspektor and actress Shannyn Sossamon named her   son Audio Science. Compared to them, singer M.I.A. gave her son a rather normal name: Ikhyd. I’d rather be Ikhyd any day than Jermajesty. Otherwise I’ll be dreading the day that someone introduces me to the King of Spain: “Your majesty, Jermajesty.”

Parents have a lot of freedom in choosing baby names, but we need to exercise that freedom carefully, or else it might be taken away from us. If you don’t believe me, just look at what’s happening in New Zealand. The country’s Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages has banned 102 names over the past two years, according to the Herald Sun. One of the rejected names is Lucifer, which three sets of parents tried to name their offspring. Who in their right mind would name their baby Lucifer? Probably someone named Lou Natic.

The agency also rejected names that sound like titles, such as Bishop, Duke, General, Judge, Justice and King, as well as the number 89 and the letters C, D, I and T. Oh no, there goes the dream of one of those computer guys from India –- to name his son I T King.

New Zealand has not always been so strict about baby names. In 2008, a couple had twin boys and were permitted to name them Benson and Hedges –- after the popular cigarette brand. At least their middle names made a lot of sense: Sillimom and Stupidad.

Another couple named their son Violence. That’s worse than Benson and Hedges. They deserve to be locked up immediately. Not for giving their son a bad name, but for breaking the New Zealand law that forbids citizens from deliberately creating Violence.

I hope that Violence grows up to be a great man. I can’t wait to see the newspaper headlines: “Violence Wins Nobel Peace Prize,” “Violence Makes First Visit to Middle East” and “Mob Attacks Parents Who Asked to See Violence Again.”

If Violence seems like a terrible name, just wait till you see what another couple named their son: Number 16 Bus Shelter. No kidding, they named him after a bus shelter, probably because that’s where he was conceived. They were waiting for a bus and the man looked at the woman and said, “How would you like to have another baby?” And the woman said, “Great idea! It would be wonderful to have a baby brother for Mercedes C-300 Backseat.”

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If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge," available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here and an excerpt here.

The challenge of being a stay-at-home dad

For the last nine years or so, I’ve been a stay-at-home dad, but I prefer to call myself a write-at-home dad. That’s because I spend a lot of time writing. I mostly write emails to my wife with questions such as: “Why isn’t the baby drinking from the bottle? Doesn’t she like Coke?” and “Is it okay if the baby watches Law & Order with me? She seems to like it.”

Actually, I don’t ask many questions these days. That’s partly because my three kids aren’t babies anymore -– the youngest is 5 –- and partly because I’ve become an expert at being a stay-at-home dad. If this were a real job, I would have been promoted by now. I’d be the Director of Domestic Affairs or the CEO of Home Management.

Being an expert at this job does not mean doing everything well. It means making a list of everything that needs to be done and figuring out a way to get the kids to do it.

My youngest child, Rahul, often helps me load the washing machine. My oldest child, Lekha, often helps
me sort the socks and underwear. My middle child, Divya, doesn’t help much, but at least she doesn’t leave her dirty clothes lying around on the floor like a few other members of this household, who apparently believe that Dad has nothing better to do than pick up after them. I do have something better to do: watch Law & Order.

Yes, being a stay-at-home dad isn’t easy, even when you’re an expert. There’s so much to do at home -- cooking, washing, sweeping –- and it’s hard to get it all done during the commercial breaks. I don’t know how the stay-at-home moms do it –- I just don’t.

Thankfully, I don’t do most of the cooking –- my wife does. It’s her main responsibility when she returns from work, aside from spending time with the kids and asking me why the house is such a mess.

Most of the cleaning falls on my shoulders –- and then I flick it onto the kids’ shoulders. At least I try to. When I turn on the vacuum cleaner, my son gets excited and I can usually con him into doing some of the vacuuming. He loves to watch things get sucked up. This arrangement has worked rather well, especially since my wife hasn’t counted our children recently.

The biggest challenge for a stay-at-home dad, I’ve come to realize, is dealing with society’s expectations. Dads are not supposed to stay at home. We’re supposed to go out and make money. And if we can’t make money, we’re supposed to go out anyway –- go out and play golf, go out and watch a movie, go out and do yoga under a tree.

A woman can call herself a housewife and no one will bat an eyelid. But you should see the looks I get when I call myself a houseband. “Stay-at-home dad” is more acceptable, of course, but even then, the first question you’ll get is “Are you looking for a job?” Trust me, I know. I’ve heard that question hundreds of times –- and not always from my mother.

It’s going to take another century, perhaps, for society to completely embrace the idea of a father staying at home, looking after his kids. After all, the custom of fathers working outside the home goes back thousands of years. Just imagine a caveman saying to his wife: “You go kill mammoth. I stay in cave, look after baby.” What do you think would have happened to him? Yes, he would have received a threat: “You no kill mammoth, you no get my mud pudding tonight.”

Caveman: “Me no need your nasty pudding.”

Wife: “You no kill mammoth, you no get my fire-roasted worms tonight.”

Caveman: “Me no need your nasty worms.”

Wife: “You no kill mammoth, you no pudding your little worm anywhere near me tonight.”

Caveman (grabs spear): “How many mammoths you want me kill? One or two?”

 

Photo by Michael Verhoef

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If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge," available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here and an excerpt here.

Tripping out with the kids

If you're planning to drive across the country with children aged 10 or younger, let me give you some advice: go and see a psychiatrist immediately. You need help! With a little therapy or medication, you may be able to control this urge to inflict pain on yourself.

I wish I had seen a psychiatrist before my recent 14-hour drive to Edmonton with my three kids, Lekha, Divya, and Rahul, also known as the PASSENGERS FROM HELL.

The trip was partly for business -- my wife needed to make a presentation at a conference -- and partly for pleasure -- the kids were looking forward to having lots of fun, which is why it wasn’t long after she sat in the car that Divya asked the question, “Are we there yet?”

“Not yet,” Lekha said. “Mommy’s still checking if she turned the stove off.”

Divya paused, waited a little while and asked the question again.

“We’re getting closer,” Lekha said. “I just saw the sign at the end of our street.”

In her defense, I should mention that Divya is only 5 and didn’t really have a concept of where we were going, why we were driving such a long distance to visit some guy named Ed Minton.

Many parents have DVD players in their vehicles, so the kids can watch movies during a long trip, movies that, with any luck, will put them to sleep. We decided not to take a DVD player along, partly because we wanted our kids to do some creative stuff on the trip and partly because, like most good parents, we were suffering from brain damage.

MySpace removes 90,000 sex offenders? MyWord!

Sometimes you read some news that just makes you shake your head.

About 90,000 sex offenders have been identified and removed from the social networking Web site MySpace, company and law enforcement officials said Tuesday.

The number was nearly double what MySpace officials originally estimated last year, said North Carolina Attorney General Roy Cooper, who along with Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal has led efforts to make social networking Web sites safer for young users.

Cooper said he wasn't surprised by the updated numbers, and demanded that MySpace and rival online networking site Facebook — which claim to have more than 280 million users combined — do more to protect children and teenagers.

"These sites were created for young people to communicate with each other. Predators are going to troll in these areas where they know children are going to be," Cooper said. "That's why these social networking sites have the responsibility to make their sites safe for children." [Link]

I knew there were sex offenders on MySpace, but I didn't realize they were having some sort of conference there.

90,000 -- I'm still shaking my head at that number. I didn't realize America had that many sex offenders who know how to use a computer.

My kids are too young for the Internet, but when they're a little older, I'm going to make sure they're extra careful about whom they communicate with. By then, of course, MySpace and Facebook will have merged to form MyFace. And you'll be able to scare off a sex offender with something called MyMace. But just in case, I'm going to give my kids a few rules:

1. Do not accept friend requests from anyone who does not have an FBI clearance and a pre-approved certificate from me.

2. Do not accept an invitation from someone you haven't met, even that cute 15-year-old named Candy, who might turn out to be a not-so-cute 50-year-old named Andy.

3. Do not post 10,000 photos of yourself on the Internet, especially photos that show any part of your body below your eyebrows.

4. Do not join the "teen girls are the best" group. It's not what you think.

5. Do not give anyone our home address, even if they promise to send you a box of chocolates. You can do without chocolates -- and the same goes for Candy.

Column: A vacation you're guaranteed to enjoy

Dear Parents,

Please forgive this intrusion on your time. I know how busy and challenging life can be when you have children. Kids are such a joy! I have three little ones myself and let me tell you, when I'm at work, I'm constantly looking at my watch, counting how many hours are left before the peace and calm ends.

I went on vacation last year with my wife and kids. We spent seven days in Florida, and when we returned home, I was exhausted. I felt like I had run a marathon. Thankfully, I had to go to work the next day. I was able to recover. It occurred to me that I had just spent thousands of dollars on a vacation that allowed me few moments of rest and relaxation, moments that usually ended with someone pounding on the door and saying, "Dad, come out of there! I need to pee."

That's why I decided to form a new company called Vacation Solution Inc. It's what all parents have been waiting for, the solution to our vacation woes. Yes, now you can have a restful vacation, up to seven days and seven nights in a tropical paradise, with someone else's children. Let some other parents take your problems. I mean, children.

Signing up for one of our relaxing vacations is easy. Just go to our website and pick the children you want to vacation with. You'd better hurry! The best children are going fast. (Mine are still available. If you want to take them for a week in December, I'm offering a free high-definition TV.)

Even if you don't get the best children, don't worry. Chances are, whichever children you get, they'll behave better than your own. How do I know this? Well, it's a scientifically proven fact that children behave up to 28 percent better when they're with adults they don't know. People are always saying to me, "Your children are so well-behaved. They're such angels!" And I say to them, "How would you like a free high-def TV?"

A school full of smiley-faced children

If you're a good parent, you probably try hard to protect your children from strangers who might harm them.You monitor your children's activities on the Internet and you don't let them post pictures of themselves on public websites, especially pictures that might draw attention from the wrong people. You expect schools to exercise the same caution. If they post a picture of your child on their website, you expect them to cover your child's face with a large smiley face. Well, not really, but that's exactly what a school in England did, in a case of child protection ingenuity.

A primary school has been accused of being alarmist for covering up the faces of pupils on its website – apparently to protect them from paedophiles. Bizarrely, the images have been altered with the type of smiley faces popular during the Acid House dance craze of the 1980s. The decision was taken at Cann Hall Primary School in Clacton, Essex.

Headmistress Clare Reece said yesterday: "The public nature of the internet is an issue we feel strongly about. Not all parents want their children's picture on there. You can't say what is going to happen with any of those pictures."

She said that the photographs were printed unaltered in the school newsletter which was sent to parents. But on the primary's website, the children's faces are obscured.

The school guarantees the content of the site is "child friendly", adding: "In order to protect our children, we have made the decision not to include any photos of our pupils on this website." [Link]

A lot of schools don't post any photos whatsoever. If they do post photos, they get parents' permission or make sure children are unidentifiable. The smiley faces are great because they not only save the photographer the trouble of getting the kids to smile, but also protect children from all pedophiles, except the rare smiley-face-tantalized ones. That might explain why one boy, in the back row of medal-winners pictured above, was given a sad face. He must be the principal's son.

I survived my daughter's birthday party!

My daughter Divya just turned 4 and we celebrated her birthday on Sunday with a party at home for a dozen of her friends. A few of their parents were over too, so we had quite a full house. The kids had a good time, and everything went fairly well, so I really shouldn't have any complaints. But I do ...

Why does so much food have to be wasted? The kids ate the pizza well, though a few left the crust on their plates, which isn't surprising. But when it came to the cake, forget about it. Several of the kids ate the icing and nothing else, making me wonder if I should have just put four candles on a big tub of icing. Maybe I could have given each of them a bowl of icing.

Why do kids have to get so many gifts? I really would have preferred it if my daughter didn't receive a dozen gifts all at once. Two or three gifts are sufficient. Anything more and she loses interest really quickly. A few of the gifts will inevitably end up at the bottom of the large heap in the toy room, not to be seen until 2010, when my kids conduct their next major excavation. Did I mention that kids today are just too spoiled?

Why do toys have so much packaging? I have two complaints on this front. First, I needed a circular saw and a sledgehammer to break into some of these packages. Not only were the dolls encased in plastic, their arms and legs were tied to a board. Someone in the factory was apparently concerned that the dolls might escape. My second complaint has to do with all the work involved in getting rid of the packaging. I tried to recycle as much as I could, without getting obsessive, but still managed to produce more trash than The Jerry Springer Show. Well, almost.

Our house was sparkling clean right before the party, now it's ready to be declared a federal disaster area. Oh well, at least we won't be having another birthday party for two months, enough time to get the place cleaned up again.

Column: The hardest job in the world

Until I became a parent, I didn't know how challenging it could be. I thought it would be easy, like driving in New York City or getting all my teeth pulled. I thought I would just make the rules -- "Don't forget to tidy your room before going to bed" -- and my children would follow them -- "Yes, Dad, we'll do it right away. Would you like us to tidy your room too?"

I didn't realize how much hair-pulling and teeth-gnashing there would be. I didn't realize how often I'd hear the question "Do we have to keep doing this?" and how often I'd have to reply "Yes, dear, I know it's hard, but we can't give up until the kids are 18."

Don't get me wrong. Parenting has brought a lot of joy to my life. One of my greatest joys, for example, is looking at my three children, admiring their sweet, innocent faces, when they're fast asleep. What immense joy. So much peace and calm in the house. The perfect time to do something romantic with my wife, if only we could find the energy.

When I see teen-agers having babies, I wonder if they know what they're getting into. Have they really thought it through or are they just hoping that their children, by some miracle, will be mini versions of Mother Teresa? I wish my children would be more like Mother Teresa. I'd like to send them off to Calcutta.

Why I'm patient with my kids -- most of the time

The other day, I was carrying a bowl of grits to the living room and it slipped out of my grasp, fell on the carpet and splattered everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. Some of it even landed on the keyboard of my laptop. It took me about 10 minutes to clean it all up. It occurred to me how upset I would have been if one of my kids had done what I just did: carried a bowl of porridge so carelessly. I would have been furious. And yet I somehow resisted giving myself a lecture. I didn't go stand in front of the mirror and shout, "What's wrong with you? How could you waste so much food?" I didn't even give myself a timeout.

Parenting requires a lot of patience, a lot of self-control. Children will do so many things to rile you. They'll spill their milk, draw on the walls, squeeze toothpaste into their hair -- and that's on a good day. I really believe they wake up in the morning and say to each other, "Bet you can't get as many lectures as I do!"

I'm not a perfect dad, but I think I'm fairly patient, partly because I remember what it's like to be a kid. I remember all the spankings and lectures I got, not just from my parents, but also from teachers, headmasters and others. I remember what it's like to mess up, almost like it happened yesterday. Come to think of it ... it did happen yesterday. And the day before. In some way or the other, I still mess up occasionally, whether it's spilling grits in the living room, putting the whites with the coloreds in the washing machine, or dozing off when my wife is talking.

If you're a parent, you need to keep reminding yourself what you were like as a kid. And if your memory is faulty, perhaps you need to have a chat with your parents. Perhaps you need to find out how Dad lost his hair and Mom got those wrinkles.

Photo by Hotshoe

Yes, you can breastfeed at the theme park

My wife, Malathi, has breastfed all three of our children, and I know how challenging it can be, especially when you're out in public and your baby is crying for milk. It shouldn't be such a big deal, a mother feeding her baby, but it's quite alarming to some people, as though you're pushing your breasts into their faces.

A Florida theme park is apologizing to a St. John's woman who was told to cover up while she breastfed her daughter or leave the premises.

Cheryl Cruz said she was shaken by an encounter on Tuesday while she was breastfeeding her 10-month-old child, Kalli, on a bench at the Universal Studios park in Orlando.

"I'm just feeding her, minding my own business, there's hardly anyone at the resort, [and] suddenly this lady comes over to me and says, 'Listen I want you to cover up, this is a family affair,' " Cruz said Thursday.

"I was so shocked. I looked at her [and thought], 'Oh my goodness, you've got to be kidding.' "

Then, Cruz said, a group of security officers surrounded her. She was eventually permitted to stay in the park. [Link]

It's good to know that security officers at theme parks are quick to respond to dangerous situations. "Security Alert! Security Alert! All personnel, please respond. We have a breastfeeding situation in Area 4. Please approach the suspect with caution. She is holding a baby, who could throw up on you."

She described the experience as mean and humiliating and said there is no law against public breastfeeding in Florida.

Tom Schroeder, a spokesman for the theme park, said Universal Studios has a policy that allows breastfeeding anywhere in its theme parks.

He said the company has apologized to Cruz and that she can expect more.

"We're going to have the specific team members involved in this incident apologize to her, and we're going to make sure that our team members know how to proceed in these kinds of situations, moving forward," Schroeder said.

Schroeder said Universal has talked to employees about the issue before. [Link]

I'm not surprised they're apologizing, considering that they're very familiar with Revenge of the Mummy. But you have to wonder how many other breastfeeding women were surrounded by security officers and reported to the Department of Homeland Security. Cheryl Cruz spoke out about her experience and thanks to her, Universal Studios may be a safer place for breastfeeding women, and the security officers can focus on real dangers, such as that heavyset French tourist who's kissing his baby daughter in the restaurant. "Security Alert! Security Alert! We have some heavy French kissing in the restaurant!"