FunnyColumns

Kim's Fairytale 72-Day Marriage

When my wife told me that reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her husband, National Basketball Association player Kris Humphries, were getting a divorce after 72 days of marriage, I was pretty impressed. “Wow, their marriage lasted two and a half months!”

I didn’t realize they had been married that long. Two and a half months! I haven’t checked the Guinness Book, but I’m pretty certain that’s a record for a celebrity marriage involving a man who enjoys playing basketball and a woman who enjoys playing the field.

You have to give them credit. A celebrity marriage doesn’t last that long without the couple trying really hard to work things out. After the first month, they must have gone to marriage counseling; and after the second, they must have gone to Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: “Kim, you say you have some major differences with Kris. What seems to be the biggest difference between you?”

Kim: “I’d say height. He’s much taller than me.”

Dr. Phil: “No, I mean the type of differences that are causing problems in your marriage.”

Kim: “I’d say ratings. He didn’t do much for the ratings of my reality shows.”

Dr. Phil: “You’re thinking of divorcing your husband because he didn’t improve the ratings of your TV shows? Forgive me for being blunt, but are you NUTS?”

Kim (standing up to leave): “That’s it. I’m outta here. I knew this wouldn’t help.”

Dr. Phil: “Hey, come back here. You can’t leave so soon. What about MY ratings?”

Kris: “That’s all right, Dr. Phil. I’m still here. I’ve got nothing else to do. The NBA is locked out.”

Dr. Phil: “Oh, thank goodness. Tell me, Kris, when you and Kim tied the knot in that glitzy $10 million TV wedding in August, were you hoping your marriage would last forever?”

Kris: “Well, I was hoping it would last at least until Christmas.”

Dr. Phil: “But it has already lasted longer than most celebrity marriages. You’ve had a number of anniversaries. How did you celebrate them?”

Kris: “Well, for our one-week anniversary, we went to Las Vegas; for our two-week anniversary, we went to Hawaii; and for our three-week anniversary, we watched ‘Kim’s Fairytale Wedding’ on E! network again and counted all the money we made from it.”

Dr. Phil: “How romantic! What about your other anniversaries?”

Kris: “Well, we started taking each other for granted after that. I forgot all about our four-week anniversary and she made me watch 10 episodes of ‘Kim and Kourtney Take New York.’ We had a big fight on our five-week anniversary because she wanted the cameras to follow us around and I shut the door when I peed. The six-week anniversary was great because E! network had a special about it and my friends kept asking, ‘What’s the secret? How did you make it last so long?’ And I had to tell them about the ‘C’ word.”

Dr. Phil: “Commitment?”

Kris: “No, cash. The reality show producers were paying us to stay together. We couldn’t let the marriage end too soon. Besides, when you have cameras following you around, you have to try to make things work. Otherwise you’d look really stupid.”

Dr. Phil: “That’s true. Whatever happens now, you definitely won’t look stupid. Tell me, Kris, what do you think it was that attracted Kim to you?”

Kris: “Well, she likes athletes and I’m … uh … always around them. She also liked my name. It’s the same as her mother’s and it begins with ‘K.’ She told me that she’d like to have a reality show called ‘Kim and Kris: One Kardashian, Two Kaucasians.” But that was before she realized that ‘Caucasian’ doesn’t begin with a ‘K.’”

Dr. Phil: “What advice do you have for other celebrities?”

Kris: “My only advice is this: If you have to marry a Kardashian, marry one who doesn’t have a reality show.”

Ten years and still getting to know each other

My wife, Malathi, and I recently celebrated our 10th anniversary. Yes, it’s been a whole decade since we  got married, a whole decade since we stood in front of family and friends, looked into each other’s eyes and thought, “Who is this person?”

We hardly knew each other back then, having met through a matrimonial ad on the internet. But after spending 10 years together and producing three children, one thing is clear: we still don’t know each other.

If we knew each other, she wouldn’t get annoyed whenever she finds me on the couch on a Sunday afternoon, as though I have any control whatsoever over the schedule of the National Football League.

If we knew each other, I wouldn’t have waited patiently for her outside the clothing store in the mall -- I would have rented a tow truck with a hook and chain to pull her out.

Despite not knowing each other, we’ve somehow managed to stay married for 10 years. That may not seem like a long time to some of our friends -- a few have been married 25 years or more -- but for Malathi and I, it’s amazing that we’re still together and even more amazing that we still occasionally talk to each other.

In fact, you’ll be glad to know that we spoke to each other just last month. I said, “Our anniversary is coming up. How do you want to celebrate it?” And she said, “I’d like to try the new Japanese restaurant in town. Do you want me to bring something home for you?” (That’s what I love about her -- she’s so thoughtful.)

Actually, Malathi and I talk to each other quite a lot -- whenever the kids let us. The kids are 4, 6 and 8, and at any given time one of them is speaking, one of them is singing and one of them is screaming. It’s hard to have a conversation when they’re around, especially since they don’t like to see Mommy and Daddy getting too affectionate. We usually have to speak in code -- a special code that develops naturally during a marriage. Whenever Malathi wants to say “I love you,” she says, “Are you watching that stupid football game again?” And whenever I want to say “I love you,” I say, “How many pairs of shoes do you need anyway?” The kids don’t realize it, but we’re a very romantic couple.

Our relationship has evolved and matured over the years. We’re even able to communicate without saying a word to each other. For example, if I’m on the couch watching a football game and a pumpkin lands on my head, I know that Malathi needs help in the kitchen.

All relationships change over time, and it’s important to adapt to the changes. Just look at what I’ve adapted to from “then” to “now.”

Then: Leaves romantic “I need you like I need food and water” note on the dining table.
Now: Leaves frantic “I need you to buy some food and water” note on the dining table.

Then: Offers to make tea in the evening.
Now: Shouts “Where’s my tea?” while checking Facebook.

Then: Gives compliments such as “You’re so sweet! Take a bow.”
Now: Gives advice such as “You’re so sweaty! Take a bath.”

Then: Finishes my sentences without thinking.
Now: Finishes my sandwiches without thinking. 

Actually, the last one isn’t completely true. She still occasionally finishes my sentences. Just the other day, I said, “How many pairs of shoes ...” and she said, “would my husband like to dodge on a Sunday afternoon?”

That’s a special code, of course. 

She means the world to me, too.

Cartoon by Mahendra Shah

Melvin Durai's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge" is available at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites.

Say "I do" so he can too

Arranged marriages can be quite complicated, but apparently not complicated enough for some  Indo-Canadians. They're trying to arrange TWO marriages at once, as a way of helping a close relative immigrate to Canada from India.

The ads, mostly in Punjabi, are short and snappy.

Jat Sikh Canadian immigrant boy 29, 5'3" seeks an Indian educated girl. Only those families should contact who can provide Canadian matrimonial alliance for his 33-year-old Indian resident brother, 5'5".

Arranged marriages, where parents introduce young people to each other and couples marry after a brief courtship, are common among South Asians, but "barter" marriages seem to be becoming increasingly common, too.

In other words: I'll get your son/daughter to Canada, you help get my niece/nephew out of India. [Toronto Star]

No, that's not quite right. It should be "I'll get your son/daughter to Canada, but only if you get my niece/nephew to Canada too, because he/she just can't do it on their own."

They're hoping, of course, to get a PR Card (permanent residency) for their niece/nephew, hoping to play that familiar tune at the wedding: "Here comes the PR Card, here comes the PR Card!"

Jaspal Singh, a cab driver in Vancouver, says he was under pressure from his older brother who lives in India, to somehow get his son and daughter to Canada. "I explained it to my brother that it was very tough, but he told me I was making excuses, that I didn't want his children to have a good life.

Finally, Singh agreed to place an ad for his own 21-year-old son and 20-year-old daughter in hopes someone, somewhere would reciprocate with Canadian matches for his niece and nephew in India.

It is not only a long shot, it is also unethical, Singh admits. He says he has told his kids he will not force them to do something they are not ready for and that weddings would take place only after they have met their prospective partners and are ready. [Toronto Star]

Imagine the dilemma for his kids, knowing that if they say "no" to a prospective bride or groom, they are also saying "no" to their cousins, and if they say "yes" to a prospective bride or groom, they are also saying "yes" to an extra mattress in their basement.

Hefty salary, no bride

It used to be that Indian men working in America, whether citizens, permanent residents or H-1B visa holders, could go to India and have their pick of a bride. They were considered good catches, the type of fish you don’t throw back in the lake. Not anymore, apparently, according to the Wall Street Journal.

Concerned about the flagging U.S. economy, parents of brides are reluctant to betroth their daughters to someone whose job may evaporate. Rahul Tamraker, 32, a consultant in Chicago, learned this firsthand during his fruitless bride search in India. Potential in-laws were worried that "consultant" was another way of saying "unemployed." One parent wanted to see Tamraker’s income tax return, paying heed to the age-old matchmaking principle: "Good income, good outcome." Tamraker declined and the marriage talks fizzled.

Poor guy. He’s got a hefty salary, but no bride. Which may be better, of course, than having a hefty bride, but no salary.

Then there's Vikas Marwaha, a software enginer who's only 27 and earning more than 80 grand a year.

During a two-week wife-hunting trip to India in December, Mr. Marwaha interviewed 20 potential brides in 10 days. He says several parents asked him, "How has the recession impacted your job?" Mr. Marwaha says he assured them he hadn't been affected at all, but still he returned to the U.S. brideless. [Link]

Indian engineer: "I went to India for some wife-hunting last month. What did you do?"

American engineer: "I went to Indiana for some deer-hunting."

Indian: "Really? Did you get one?"

American: "Yes, I got one and mounted it. What about you?"

Indian: "No, I didn't come close to doing any mounting whatsoever."

Anisha Seth, 26, has been looking for a groom for two years now. But she feels "jittery" about considering nonresident Indians as possible options. ...

Ms. Seth says that if she were to move to the U.S. or to another developed country, she might not get a job quickly and would have to be dependent on her husband for a while. While she's open to the idea of giving up her independence, she worries that given the state of the U.S. economy, a groom based in America might not be earning enough to support her. For instance, Ms. Seth says she likes nice clothes and would like to have a flat-screen TV. [Link]

American Engineer: "I heard you went to India on another wife-hunting trip. Did you get one?"

Indian Engineer: "Yes, I finally got one."

American (smiles and winks): "So there's been some mounting?"

Indian: "Yes, there's been some mounting. I just mounted a flat-screen TV on the wall."

Dear Anu Lentils: Advice for the second generation

DEAR ANU: I'm tired of the dating scene and have decided that I'd like to have an arranged  marriage, but my parents insist that I have a love marriage. They don't want me to end up like them. "A love marriage may not last, but at least you will be happy for a short time," my father said. "With an arranged marriage, you may be unhappy forever."

I cried and pleaded with them to arrange my marriage. Finally, my mother said, "Okay, then. We will arrange a love marriage for you." They want to arrange it with the son of my father's dentist. They want me to date him for six months and try my best to fall in love with him. "He is a good boy," my mother said. "He will not expect you to sleep with him on the first date."

I just about screamed when I heard that. "I'm saving myself for the right man!" I said. My father, who happens to be a banker, smiled and nodded his head. "Saving is good," he said. "But boys these days, before making any investments, they like to do some checking."

Please help me! I don't know what to do. -- SoConfused in SoCal

DEAR SO CONFUSED: Yours is a common complaint I've been getting from the younger generation. Many parents aren't totally happy with their arranged marriages and want something better for their children. But the children have been through the dating process and want something better for themselves, something that doesn’t involve being dumped.

I think the idea of arranging a love marriage is a good one, but so is falling in love with an arranged marriage. The important thing is to end up with the right person, someone who will love and cherish you, someone who's interested in a long-term investment, rather than a quick withdrawal.

It's a bad economy, so don't leave that bad marriage

If you're thinking of getting a divorce, you might want to consider other options. It's just not a good time to pack up and leave.

The recession and economic turmoil is creating a new class of casualties: married couples who can't afford to get divorced. In these tough times, many people are finding it's cheaper to stay together, even when they can't stand each other. [Link]

Yes, living with that spouse that you've grown to love hate is better than living in an old crate. Especially if you can find ways to live together, but stay apart.

Here are just a few of the possibilities:

1. Live in the shed. It might get a little cold in there, but at least you won't be breathing the same air as you-know-who. You can always go to the house if you need to use the bathroom, raid the fridge or make sure your spouse hasn't set fire to your sports memorabilia.

2. Live in the car. A Kansas man has been doing it for almost a decade and it seems to be working for him, but only because he was smart enough to get a long extension cord for the TV. If you've got a big car, such as a Chevy Suburban, you can even have the kids over on weekends. Just don't let any of them sleep in your emergency bathroom (also known as the trunk).

3. Live in the basement. Basements are pretty good places to live, even if it seems like yet another example of your spouse putting you down. You don't need to use an extension cord to watch TV and, with all the pipes going down there, you can keep tabs on how often your spouse uses the bathroom. What's the point in splitting the water bill 50:50 when you haven't taken a shower since the last recession?

4. Live in the spare bedroom. This is probably the second-last resort, because it would be hard for you to enjoy much privacy. But if you have your own bathroom and a separate entrance, it could work out quite well, especially if the bedroom is big enough to store all the empty Domino's Pizza boxes.

5. Live in the same bedroom. This might seem like a nightmare scenario, but there are ways to make it work. For example, your spouse could sleep on the bed and you could sleep under it. Sleeping on top may seem like an advantage, but in the middle of the night, when the snoring gets too loud, who do you think can make the best use of a needle?

Column: The key to a happy marriage: hiring a private detective

When youngsters ask me for career advice, I tell them to drop whatever they're doing and become private detectives. They'd never run out of clients, especially if they specialize in marriage-related investigations (MRIs).

While the other kind of MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) helps you find out what's wrong with your body, this kind of MRI helps you find out what's wrong with your spouse.

It's increasingly common, in America and other western countries, for married people to hire private detectives to find out if their spouses are being unfaithful.

Detective: "Yes, Mrs. Spitzer, your husband is definitely cheating on you. I got word that he had booked a room at the Ritz-Carlton, so I rushed over there and, 15 minutes later, an attractive young blonde walked out wearing high heels, fishnet stockings and an inviting smile."

Mrs. Spitzer: "What about my husband? When did he leave?"

Detective: "I'm not sure. I went with the blonde into another room. I had to dust her for fingerprints."

In India, people are, seemingly, a little smarter. They hire the private detective BEFORE the wedding. Pre-wedding investigations are so common these days that a man isn't considered an eligible bachelor unless he has several detectives following him around.

Private detectives are usually hired to verify claims made by a prospective bride or groom or their parents. These claims often appear in matrimonial ads, which are sometimes so full of lies and exaggerations, they sound like political speeches. "If you choose me, your life will improve dramatically. Trust me, I am the best man for the job. I will be ready on Day One to satisfy you. I'll balance our budget (I have an MBA from Wharton), I'll improve our healthcare (I have an MD from Harvard) and I'll protect us from anyone who might try to harm us (I have a black belt from Lee's Gym). Forget about the other guys. They aren't as qualified as I am -- and they have too much experience. I've never even looked at a woman. I've been saving myself for you, waiting for you to walk into my life. I'm ready to sweep you off your feet. I'll entrance you like Hrithik Roshan, romance you like Shahrukh Khan, finance you like Mukesh Ambani."

Even more fun with matrimonial ads

Reading matrimonial ads can be so much fun. Just check out these excerpts from actual matrimonial ads on the Internet:

She doesn’t expect much: “You will be a well mannered, sophisticated, trendy, attractive, loving,  honest, loyal, genuine and sweet person who is understanding, respectful, intelligent, romantic, well spoken, has a good sense of humour and family orientated. You should also be homely as well as outgoing.” (Homely?)

He wants to make something absolutely clear: “Most importantly reply only and if you are serious enough to make things work if there is a chemistry as we all know beside reading about each other and what not all this requires tremendous amount of time and effort which now a days people are usually afraid to spend. So if you are one of them then we would be wasting time.”

She does nt want u: “No uncles plz/ you got to be between 24-28 not more thn that/guyz if u have no pic please don't reply. No dr. please/my family is everything to me, so if u r nt family oriented don't bother to reply/cz you gt to be mature, dnt expect from me to babysit u and please no dramas, if you want to just fool around stay away from my profile.”

You can be his other side: “I am a cool and cheerful guy, looking for my better half who has a good understanding capability and who is jolly natured. I enjoy my life and want from the other side too.”

He executes well: “Moving with people of different age groups and relating to them is a cakewalk for me. I am (or I would consider myself) quite certainly logical at any situation. And a recent finding on myself is that I am quite focussed and that has helped me improve the quality of my execution.”

He totally totals tea: “I am a very simple person, totally tea totaller. My hobbies include listening to music which include devotional music also, reading, watching T.V.”

Column: An elevator ride that's lasted eight years

My wife and I just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and let me tell you, I haven't been this happy since my dentist announced his retirement. We made it past seven years! Our marriage didn't fall victim to the dreaded seven-year itch, which has broken up more relationships than Jack Daniel's and Johnnie Walker combined. (Trust me, it's not a good idea to combine them.)

Some of you, I know, have been married for more than 50 years and are obviously unimpressed. If you're a man, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years is no big deal. I've been married so long, I've spent a total of eight years just waiting for my wife to get out of the bathroom." If you're a woman, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years! That's how long it took my husband to figure out the hooks on my bra."

Well, here's a confession: I'm still trying to figure out a lot of things. For example:

1. When a woman looks at her wardrobe and complains that she has "nothing at all to wear," does she really expect her husband to be concerned about the prospect of her wearing nothing at all?

2. When a woman talks to you during a football game, is it better to just nod your head and pretend you're listening or say something polite such as, "I don't mind if you talk during the game, dear, but please don't expect me to take the cotton balls out of my ears."

3. In which of these situations is it reasonable to say 'no' to a woman? (a) When she asks you to go to a department store to pick up a feminine hygiene product; (b) when she enters a fitting room in a department store and asks you to hold her handbag; or (c) when she enters a fitting room and asks you to pick up a feminine hygiene product while holding her handbag.

I now pronounce you man and goat

Bill Clinton has earned millions of dollars every year since leaving the White House, but as reported in 2005, he apparently missed out on a chance to get 40 goats and 20 cows.

A Kenyan city councilman says he offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter's hand in marriage five years ago. He's still awaiting an answer.

Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor wrote Clinton asking for Chelsea's hand in 2000 when Clinton visited Kenya, Chepkurgor told the East African Standard newspaper.

Chepkurgor, 36, vowed to remain single until he gets an answer to his proposal to marry Chelsea, 25.

Chepkurgor, a city councilor in Nakuru, told Clinton of plans for a grand wedding presided over by South African Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu. ...

The electrical engineering graduate said he promised to pay 40 goats and 20 cows in dowry for Clinton's only daughter in accordance with African tradition. [Link]

In some cultures, when you gain a wife, you lose some goats. In others, when you lose a wife, you gain a goat.

A farmer who blamed his wife for not providing him with a child has swapped her for a goat with three kids.

Three-times-wed Stoil Panayotov struck a deal with another farmer at a livestock market and handed over his wife in exchange for eight-year-old Elena.

Stoil, 54, said: "A friend told me that he had no luck with women and that he really liked my wife." Amazingly, she went along with the arrangement. Stoil added: "The deal was reached when my wife gave her approval.

"The goat has given birth to three kids and my wife to none. This deal was more profitable to the goat owner - I got a second-hand goat and he got a brand new wife."

The trade was concluded in front of a stunned crowd in the market town of Plovdiv in Bulgaria. Now locals are wondering what will happen next if things don't work out between Stoil and Elena. [Link]

Advertisement

I can't believe his wife agreed to something so demeaning -- being traded for a goat and three kids. Surely no self-respecting woman would ever agree to be traded for fewer than 40 goats. Chelsea Clinton certainly wouldn't. There's no way she'd consider marrying Godwin Chepkurgor, not unless he doubled his offer.

As for Stoil, I hope he's not thinking of marrying the goat, even if those three kids need a dad. That would rile Fox News host Bill O'Reilly. He believes that gay marriage may eventually lead to goat marriage. If he's so strongly opposed to such marriages, it's surprising that he didn't raise the issue with Maureen E. McPhilmy, the mother of his two children. She is, after all, married to a goat.

Photo by TKnoxB

More fun with matrimonial ads

Years ago, I looked at Indian matrimonial ads to find a mate. These days, I look at them to find a laugh. Here are some more excerpts from matrimonial ads on the Net:

You’ve just got to know her: “People who know me say that I am cute, way too nice, very sweet, generous, and just a wonderful person overall as people like being around me. For the people who don't know me they would call me as being bitter, sour, rude, shy, stuck up and someone who woke up on the wrong side of the bed. So depending upon how you want to see me I leave that choice up to you.”

She wants something handsome: “My life partner should be educated, smart, god-fearing, away from bad habits like drinking, smoking etc. He must be employed earning handsome salary.”

He’s got something handsome: “I’m mech. engineer working as a govt. employ and earn handsome money. I want a beautiful girl which can cooperate nicely with my family. She should be family girl.”

She’ll be the sole woman in your life: “I am a slim, attractive, shy, sensitive person. Very caring and homely person with a good sense of humour. Have everything in this world except one thing: a sole mate.”

Mad women need not reply: “I would like to meet a very good, kind and gentle woman to spend my life with. She must be willing to become a member of a family and be positive and easy to get along with. If you are mad all the time and unhappy with life, then please leave me alone because I want to enjoy life and be happy.”

Her grandmother is idle: “My father is into commercial photography and my brother is assisting him in the same business, my mother is a typical housewife and manages the same business from home and I have a grandmother who is really too old to do something.”

She’s fairly intelligent: “Myself a God fearing respectful to elders, like to live life the fun way wishing for a relaxed atmosphere. I will call myself down-to-earth types with fair level of intelligentsia.”

He’s basically irresistible: “I am basically a Software Professional. I am presently working in UK for the past 2 yrs. We are basically from Hyderabad.”

Matrimonial ads are for married people too

Even if you're married, you ought to read matrimonial ads. Not only are they entertaining, they may also make you feel good about the person you married. Here are some actual excerpts from Indian matrimonial ads on the Internet:

His body is single too: “I live with my parents in parents owned house. My family status is upper middle class. … My face colour is light dark. I have muscular/single body.”

Don’t tell your husband: “I believe in simple living and high thinking. I am looking for a girl married unmarried no matters but should be simple and co-operative. If any body interested contact me.”

She’ll be your Shakespeare: “The world isn't really that big after all. Why then oh why are thee hiding from me? Are you not in ardent search of me as I am of you? Don't you think it's high time we lit up each other's lives with love? – after all, you – gazing at your P.C. this very moment underneath this same big starry blue sky & I – have been Heavenly made for each other.”

Don’t worry, she’s no career woman: “We parents are placing this profile for our daughter. … She has excelled in her academic and professional career as an engineer, yet she is not career oriented. She likes to focus on helping others towards better health and spiritual growth through yoga teachings.”

He’ll look after you well: “Very good in looking. Very enthusiastic. Music lover. Helping tendency. Good earning. ... I am looking for a fair homely educated girl. Employment – no bar. Should be a Hindu religion girl with ample belief in God.”

An English Expert: “I'm medium in built, fair and good looking. I'm very kind, helpfull, tolarative, understandable and foreseeking. I've passed my A/L in Science. … I've an excellent English knowledge.”