FunnyColumns

Ten years and still getting to know each other

My wife, Malathi, and I recently celebrated our 10th anniversary. Yes, it’s been a whole decade since we  got married, a whole decade since we stood in front of family and friends, looked into each other’s eyes and thought, “Who is this person?”

We hardly knew each other back then, having met through a matrimonial ad on the internet. But after spending 10 years together and producing three children, one thing is clear: we still don’t know each other.

If we knew each other, she wouldn’t get annoyed whenever she finds me on the couch on a Sunday afternoon, as though I have any control whatsoever over the schedule of the National Football League.

If we knew each other, I wouldn’t have waited patiently for her outside the clothing store in the mall -- I would have rented a tow truck with a hook and chain to pull her out.

Despite not knowing each other, we’ve somehow managed to stay married for 10 years. That may not seem like a long time to some of our friends -- a few have been married 25 years or more -- but for Malathi and I, it’s amazing that we’re still together and even more amazing that we still occasionally talk to each other.

In fact, you’ll be glad to know that we spoke to each other just last month. I said, “Our anniversary is coming up. How do you want to celebrate it?” And she said, “I’d like to try the new Japanese restaurant in town. Do you want me to bring something home for you?” (That’s what I love about her -- she’s so thoughtful.)

Actually, Malathi and I talk to each other quite a lot -- whenever the kids let us. The kids are 4, 6 and 8, and at any given time one of them is speaking, one of them is singing and one of them is screaming. It’s hard to have a conversation when they’re around, especially since they don’t like to see Mommy and Daddy getting too affectionate. We usually have to speak in code -- a special code that develops naturally during a marriage. Whenever Malathi wants to say “I love you,” she says, “Are you watching that stupid football game again?” And whenever I want to say “I love you,” I say, “How many pairs of shoes do you need anyway?” The kids don’t realize it, but we’re a very romantic couple.

Our relationship has evolved and matured over the years. We’re even able to communicate without saying a word to each other. For example, if I’m on the couch watching a football game and a pumpkin lands on my head, I know that Malathi needs help in the kitchen.

All relationships change over time, and it’s important to adapt to the changes. Just look at what I’ve adapted to from “then” to “now.”

Then: Leaves romantic “I need you like I need food and water” note on the dining table.
Now: Leaves frantic “I need you to buy some food and water” note on the dining table.

Then: Offers to make tea in the evening.
Now: Shouts “Where’s my tea?” while checking Facebook.

Then: Gives compliments such as “You’re so sweet! Take a bow.”
Now: Gives advice such as “You’re so sweaty! Take a bath.”

Then: Finishes my sentences without thinking.
Now: Finishes my sandwiches without thinking. 

Actually, the last one isn’t completely true. She still occasionally finishes my sentences. Just the other day, I said, “How many pairs of shoes ...” and she said, “would my husband like to dodge on a Sunday afternoon?”

That’s a special code, of course. 

She means the world to me, too.

Cartoon by Mahendra Shah

Melvin Durai's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge" is available at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites.

Dear Anu Lentils: Advice for the second generation

DEAR ANU: I'm tired of the dating scene and have decided that I'd like to have an arranged  marriage, but my parents insist that I have a love marriage. They don't want me to end up like them. "A love marriage may not last, but at least you will be happy for a short time," my father said. "With an arranged marriage, you may be unhappy forever."

I cried and pleaded with them to arrange my marriage. Finally, my mother said, "Okay, then. We will arrange a love marriage for you." They want to arrange it with the son of my father's dentist. They want me to date him for six months and try my best to fall in love with him. "He is a good boy," my mother said. "He will not expect you to sleep with him on the first date."

I just about screamed when I heard that. "I'm saving myself for the right man!" I said. My father, who happens to be a banker, smiled and nodded his head. "Saving is good," he said. "But boys these days, before making any investments, they like to do some checking."

Please help me! I don't know what to do. -- SoConfused in SoCal

DEAR SO CONFUSED: Yours is a common complaint I've been getting from the younger generation. Many parents aren't totally happy with their arranged marriages and want something better for their children. But the children have been through the dating process and want something better for themselves, something that doesn’t involve being dumped.

I think the idea of arranging a love marriage is a good one, but so is falling in love with an arranged marriage. The important thing is to end up with the right person, someone who will love and cherish you, someone who's interested in a long-term investment, rather than a quick withdrawal.

An amorous text message from a call center worker

I often get annoyed at call center workers, especially when they call me at an inopportune time. But at least none of them has tried to get romantic with me, as a call center romeo did with a British woman who had signed up for a BT (British Telecom) landline.

"A few days later I had a call from a call centre from a gentleman who sounded overseas who processed all the order.

"I got a second phone call from him saying I had an email confirmation and he started asking personal questions like what I was doing that day.

"Then I started getting text messages."

One message read "Hello, we spoke two hours ago regarding ur BT order. U must be thinking dat why I called u up second time without any reason of the call but to be honest I got attracted towards you and your wonderful voice. Can i be ur friend?"

Another read: "As precious as u r to me, as precious only few can ever be, I know all friends r hard to choose but u r someone i never want to lose. Take care xxx." [Link]

The woman says she felt "violated" and complained to BT. The company disciplined the worker and tried to appease the woman.

The company has sent her flowers and made an offer of £250 compensation. [Link]

Sent her flowers? Isn't that how BT got in trouble in the first place -- trying to get romantic with her?

The woman made a complaint about the call center worker, but perhaps she should have scared him off the way women usually scare men off.

And if that didn't work, she could have tried the "Dad's coming" approach:

 

And finally, she could have tried the "Got cash?" approach:

 

Getting Romantic, the Nigerian way

Okay, I admit it. It's been a long time since I wrote anything romantic. My days of writing romatic poetry are long gone -- and my wife should be thankful for that, because my poetry was as impressive as Al Gore's dancing. These days, I just get my wife a card, one that expresses exactly how I'm feeling. So perhaps I shouldn't be too hard on all the Nigerians who are buying Femi Emmanuel's book "Touching the heart through unforgettable text messages (vol.2)." Thanks to him, here's what might happen:

Your mobile phone beeps, you have received a text message.

It begins: "I swear, I will make sure I give you HIV..."

...

"H is for Happiness and joy forever with an I: Incomparable love that will never V: Vanish until death do us part. I love you," the message concludes. [Link]

What do you think? Funny? Romantic? Both? Perhaps it works in Nigeria, but I don't think it would score high on the romance scale in North America, except perhaps with college students who've had a little too much to drink. I'm not really surprised where Emmanuel gets his inspiration.

"I was watching a Bollywood film and the main actor said to his female lead 'hey baby, I'm a crazy lover'," Mr Emmanuel told the BBC.

"I thought 'that's good,' I paused the DVD and copied down the subtitles."

The text message threatening HIV was inspired by watching a Nigerian film.

"In the film, a man threatened a woman with giving her HIV. I thought how could I turn this acronym into a message?"

"You could send the first sentence on its own," he says.

"You are putting them in suspense, to create fear, and then you follow up with the interpretation that will give them joy and happiness." [Link]

He must be doing something right -- he has sold thousands of copies of his books, bringing himself lots of joy and happiness. Perhaps it's just me who has lost touch with what's considered romantic. After all, check out these "romantic texts" that several BBC readers contributed:

My love for you is like Diarrhea, it flows like a river.
Salan, Dubai

A good friend is like a good bra. Hard to find, comfortable, supportive, prevents you from falling, holds you tight and is always close to your heart. You'll forever be my BRA!
Olawale B, London

u r the only mosquito in my net
Patrick, London [Link]

Perhaps I should try the BRA line on my wife. On second thought, I may never see hers again.

Column: An elevator ride that's lasted eight years

My wife and I just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and let me tell you, I haven't been this happy since my dentist announced his retirement. We made it past seven years! Our marriage didn't fall victim to the dreaded seven-year itch, which has broken up more relationships than Jack Daniel's and Johnnie Walker combined. (Trust me, it's not a good idea to combine them.)

Some of you, I know, have been married for more than 50 years and are obviously unimpressed. If you're a man, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years is no big deal. I've been married so long, I've spent a total of eight years just waiting for my wife to get out of the bathroom." If you're a woman, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years! That's how long it took my husband to figure out the hooks on my bra."

Well, here's a confession: I'm still trying to figure out a lot of things. For example:

1. When a woman looks at her wardrobe and complains that she has "nothing at all to wear," does she really expect her husband to be concerned about the prospect of her wearing nothing at all?

2. When a woman talks to you during a football game, is it better to just nod your head and pretend you're listening or say something polite such as, "I don't mind if you talk during the game, dear, but please don't expect me to take the cotton balls out of my ears."

3. In which of these situations is it reasonable to say 'no' to a woman? (a) When she asks you to go to a department store to pick up a feminine hygiene product; (b) when she enters a fitting room in a department store and asks you to hold her handbag; or (c) when she enters a fitting room and asks you to pick up a feminine hygiene product while holding her handbag.

Sorry honey, no roses, chocolate or diamonds

It's Valentine's Day and feeling more lazy than romantic, I haven't yet got my wife anything. There's still time to think of something, either a great gift I can buy or a great excuse she'll buy.

"Most roses in the U.S. are grown in Latin America. And they are grown in a way that uses a lot of chemicals," said Rene Ebersole at the environmental Audubon Magazine. [Link]

"I thought of buying you roses, honey, but then I heard about the pesticides. I wouldn't want anything to hurt you. That's how much I love you."

Ivory Coast, which grows 40 percent of the world's cocoa, has a persistent child labour problem, a U.S. State Department human rights report said. [Link]

"I thought of buying you chocolate, honey, but then I heard about all those poor children, slaving away in Ivory Coast. It just isn't right. I wouldn't want to do anything that might tarnish my feelings for you."

Then what about blood diamonds -- the term referring to gems mined under brutal conditions and sold to support a war effort? [Link]

"I thought of buying you diamonds, honey, but then I heard about all the suffering they had wrought. I just couldn't get myself to do it. My heart would have been filled with guilt, instead of love."

"So what did you get me, Melvin?"

"Well ... uh ... I got you a poem."

"You wrote a poem for me? That's so romantic! Can I hear it?"

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I thought of buying you something
but this will have to do."

Photo by gutter