Nshima & Curry

Give him sex, get your green card

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer broke the law and cheated on his wife when he hired a prostitute. But paying for sex -- especially paying $1,000 an hour -- seems a lot more honorable than what another New Yorker has allegedly been doing. Isaac R. Baichu, 46, an immigrant from Guyana, has used his power as an immigration adjudicator to try to coerce at least one woman to have sex with him.

He hinted, she said, at his power to derail her life and deport her relatives, alluding to a brush she had with the law before her marriage. He summoned her to a private meeting. And at noon on Dec. 21, in a parked car on Queens Boulevard, he named his price — not realizing that she was recording everything on the cellphone in her purse.

“I want sex,” he said on the recording. “One or two times. That’s all. You get your green card. You won’t have to see me anymore.” [Link]

I'll never understand how any man can force a woman to have sex with him and actually enjoy it. If you were so desperate for sex, Isaac, why didn't you do what so many other men do -- get yourself a girlfriend, even if yours would undoubtedly be inflatable?

The agent insisted that she had to trust him. “I wouldn’t ask you to do something for me if I can’t do something for you, right?” he said, and reasoned, “Nobody going to help you for nothing,” noting that she had no money. [Link]

Nobody's going to help you for nothing? I don't know about that, Isaac. Your fellow Guyanese immigrant, Veeramuthu Kalimuthu, just saved a man's life for nothing. He's a true hero. I'm sure you've come across a hero or two in your time, even if it was just at the sandwich shop.

He described himself as the single father of a 10-year-old daughter, telling her, “I need love, too,” and predicting, “You will get to like me because I’m a nice guy.” [Link]

You've got to give him credit. He has really boosted the reputation of men, because if he qualifies as a nice guy, most of us qualify for sainthood.

Iowa man sentenced to church

An Iowa man with a long criminal history has been sentenced to church. Instead of serving time in prison, he will endure the pastor's sermons for eight consecutive Sundays.

With a lengthy and violent criminal record to his name, Pachino Hill is going to church.

Hill, 29, of Davenport was sentenced Wednesday by Scott County Associate Judge Christine Dalton to a counseling program offered by Third Missionary Baptist Church. She also ordered him to attend church there eight consecutive Sundays, to pay a fine and be on probation for one year.

If he doesn’t comply, he faces up to two years in prison for eluding and driving while barred. The charges are the result of a police chase from Rock Island to Davenport in October.

“Let’s give it a shot,” Dalton said of the counseling program plan presented to her by Hill’s attorney, Brenda Drew-Peeples, and supported by Rogers Kirk, pastor at Third Missionary. “I’m all about one more chance.”

The counseling program, Drew-Peeples said, is a chance for Hill to gain role models who are responsible men and are contributing to society.

“I believe God has a plan for Pachino Hill’s life, and I believe it’s coming to fruition,” she said.

Prosecutor Marc Gellerman did not object to the counseling program but did request that Hill attend church services.

“I would think that listening to Rev. Kirk every Sunday would be very beneficial for Mr. Hill,” Gellerman said, adding that Hill reaching out to Kirk “says a lot.” [Link]

While some people are concerned that the sentence violates the principle of separation of church and state, others are concerned that it might result in the separation of church and offering plate.

Meanwhile, two clergymen of other faiths had mixed reactions to the sentencing. "It's better for him to go to church," said Priest Ravi Maniar of the local Hindu Temple. "If he comes here, he will not suffer enough."

But Rabbi Ben Horrowitz of Temple Beth El objected to the sentencing. "It's so unfair," he said. "Why not give us a chance to increase our congregation? We know Mr. Hill isn't a Jew, but he can at least pretend to be one for eight weeks."

Oh my god, you're wanted in court

How powerful are judges in India? So powerful that they can get anyone to appear before them. Well, almost anyone.

A judge in India has summoned two Hindu gods, Ram and Hanuman, to help resolve a property dispute.

Judge Sunil Kumar Singh in the eastern state of Jharkhand has issued adverts in newspapers asking the gods to "appear before the court personally".

The gods have been asked to appear before the court on Tuesday, after the judge said that letters addressed to them had gone unanswered. [Link]

I wonder which newspapers he advertised in. Lord Ram and Hanuman wouldn't read Times of India or Indian Express, but they might read The Hindu. Singh would probably be successful if he used his computer to summon the gods. But the computer might not function without RAM.

Judge Singh presides in a "fast track" court  - designed to resolve disputes quickly - in the city of Dhanbad.

The dispute is now 20 years old and revolves around the ownership of a 1.4 acre plot of land housing two temples.

The deities of Ram and Hanuman, the monkey god, are worshipped at the two temples on the land.

Temple priest Manmohan Pathak claims the land belongs to him. Locals say it belongs to the two deities.

The two sides first went to court in 1987.

A few years ago, the dispute was settled in favour of the locals. Then Mr Pathak challenged the verdict in a fast track court. [Link]

A fast track court? If it's anything like the "fast track" at my local hospital, it's going to take another 20 years.

Judge Singh  sent out two notices to the deities, but they were returned as the addresses were found to be "incomplete".

This prompted him to put out adverts in local newspapers summoning the gods.

"You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are herby directed to appear before the court personally", Judge Singh's notice said. [Link]

Is that any way to speak to gods? More appropriate would be something like this: "You didn't honor us with your presence, perhaps because our address was incomplete and India Post was incompetent. We therefore beseech you to grace the court with your presence, if you are not too busy answering prayers. You may come at any time you wish, as long as it isn't an ungodly hour."

Don't chicken out of this resolution

I wouldn't mind having a couple of chickens in my backyard, but in most urban areas in America and Canada, you're not allowed to have chickens at home, with a few exceptions. Stephen Kunselman, a councilman in Ann Arbor, Michigan, is trying to change that, so people in his college town can have fresh eggs, not those kind that have been sitting around for so long, they're starting to use eggspletives.

Many communities allow chickens but not roosters, which can make a lot of noise at dawn, Kunselman said. He said regulations typically require a 25-foot setback from other homes to avoid disturbing neighbors. [Link]

Yeah, it's important not to disturb neighbors. That's why many people prefer to keep those really quiet creatures: dogs.

I wish my neighbors had roosters. That would save me the trouble of dragging a few children out of bed.

 The chicken talk enlivened Saturday's council retreat in the hometown of the University of Michigan.

"What's with the chickens?" Councilman Stephen Rapundalo asked Kunselman.

"Chickens lay eggs," Kunselman said. "I want fresh eggs. It's just a simple ordinance change."

"I want to have fresh milk," Rapundalo said. "Let's change the ordinance to allow cows or goats." [Link]

I wouldn't mind having a couple of cows or goats in my  yard. That would save me the trouble of mowing the lawn. And I could send my children out to milk them at 5 a.m. or earlier -- whenever the rooster awakens them.

Photo by Ward

It's mothers against mothers

I didn't know this, but there's an organization called Mothers Against Illegal Aliens (MAIA). And they've apparently received a letter from the more famous Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) telling them to drop the "Mothers Against" part of their name or face legal action.

Blogger Stephen Lemons calls it the "Mother" of all catfights and points out that there are a number of other "Mothers Against" groups that have apparently not received cease-and-desist letters from MADD.

Have you ever Googled "Mothers Against"? There's a Mothers Against Methamphetamine, a Mothers Against Sexual Abuse, Mothers Against Circumcision (no sharp kitchen implements allowed), Mothers Against Guns, Mothers Against School Hazing (for all you wimps out there), Mothers Against Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy, Mothers Against Gang Wars, Mothers Against Violence, Mothers Against Teen Violence, Mothers Against the Draft, Mothers Against Arpaio (our fave, BTW), Mothers Against Blogging, Mothers Against Dog Chaining, Mothers Against Senseless Killings, Mothers Against Brain Injury (is anyone out there for brain injury?), Mothers Against Genetic Engineering, Mothers Against Pornography Addiction (keep 'em away from me!), and on and on. There's even a Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up, made up of "moms... and other concerned individuals who want to stop peeing standing up, support the victims (those who have to clean up), and prevent unnecessary urine stream fragmentation." [Link]

With so many "Mothers Against" groups, you have to wonder: What are all the fathers against? Here are just a few groups I'd like to form: Fathers Against Shopping,  Fathers Against Heavy Luggage, Fathers Against Football Interruptions, Fathers Against Cuddling for Cuddling's Sake, and, of course, Fathers Against 'Mothers Against Illegal Aliens.'

Photo credit: Daniel Greene