FunnyColumns

Happy New Year? What happened to 2008?

The older you get, the faster the years seem to fly by. At least that's how it seems to me. Here we are in 2009 already and I'm still working on my New Year's resolutions for 2008. We're now just a year from 2010 and I'm going to be asking myself, "What happened to that decade? Where did it go? Was I in a coma or something?"

I'm a family man with little children, so I didn't do much celebrating, especially compared to all those carefree people dancing on my TV screen. Many of them were in NYC (New Year City) of course:

As the clock struck midnight, a ton of confetti rained down while the partygoers hugged and kissed.

Josh Torres and his girlfriend, Sarah Manganello, both 21, screamed and cheered as they watched the ball drop. Manganello had advice for people in the new year: "Learn from what you've done and move forward." [Link]

That's good advice. Sometimes I find myself making the same mistakes over and over. Not learning from them. Just repeating them. If you do things the same way, you get the same results. That's why I'm going to do things differently this year. I'm going to make some drastic changes. For example:

1. I'm going to type with my toes. Typing with my fingers has gotten me nowhere. I still haven't written a great novel.

2. I'm going to have dessert first. Before any of my kids get to it. "Sorry kids," I'm going to say. "I've finished the pie. Feel free to have a second helping of spinach."

3. I'm going to agree with my wife -- whatever she says. Disagreeing with her is like having stock in General Motors -- it just doesn't pay any dividends. So I'm going to say "Yes, dear" more and "Hello couch" less.

An amazing story of survival

Since it's freezing in Winnipeg, the mercury often dipping below -20 degrees centigrade, I try to spend no more than a few minutes outdoors at a time. I can't imagine spending four days exposed to such weather, as an Alberta man recently did. After just a a few hours, I'd be writing my will in the snow.

CROWSNEST PASS, Alta. — A paramedic used to saving the lives of others found himself having to eat rotten meat and fend off snarling animals to ensure his own survival in rough Alberta bush country.

Ken Hildebrand of Fort McMurray was riding his all-terrain vehicle as he collected animal traps north of the Livingstone Gap, about 130 kilometres southwest of Calgary, on Jan. 8 when the quad rolled after hitting a rock and trapped him underneath.

Mr. Hildebrand, who has a weak leg due to polio, ended up face down on the snowy ground with his machine pinning his strong leg.

“He was stuck there for four days and three nights — almost 96 hours straight,” said Troy Linderman, director of Crowsnest Pass emergency medical services. [Link]

Wow. If I added up all the time I've spent outdoors during the last 20 winters, I don't think it would come close to 96 hours. (Being in my car doesn't count. I usually have the heat cranked up and I often listen to Rush Limbaugh and other talk show hosts, so I'm never lacking for hot air.)

Mr. Hildebrand kept himself alive — albeit sick — by eating the rotting meat of the animals he had collected.

He faced constant harassment from coyotes who were growling and fighting each other just feet away, but was able to keep them at bay by constantly blowing a whistle he had with him. [Link]

That would be my worst nightmare, being stuck under a vehicle in freezing weather and worrying about dinner -- mine and the coyotes'.

As a paramedic, he knew people start losing heat quickly from their upper body so he took a beaver carcass and set it by his groin to help keep his body warm. He used another beaver as a bit of a windbreak and part of its skin as a makeshift pillow. [Link]

Amazing! How many men can say that they've kept warm using beavers? (No, not those kind. Get you mind out of the gutter.)

A job you wouldn't want to do

Do you hate your job? Is it boring or unchallenging? Do you feel like crying every time you see your paycheck? Before you complain too loudly, think about all those people, millions of them, who do jobs that are far worse than yours -- and I'm not talking about the ones who flip burgers for a living. Flipping burgers is a great job, especially compared to picking up poop. No, I'm not referring to dog owners. I'm referring to the 800,000 low-caste toilet cleaners in India.

In the rainy season,' the woman began, 'it is really bad. Water mixes with the shit and when we carry it (on our heads) it drips from the baskets, on to our clothes, our bodies, our faces. When I return home I find it difficult to eat food sometimes. The smell never gets out of my clothes, my hair. But this is our fate. To feed my children I have no option but to do this work.'

Naravanamma began cleaning human excrement at 13. She is now 35. The stench is nauseating, overpowering. First, she sweeps the shit into piles. Then, using two flat pieces of tin, she scoops it up and drops it into a bamboo basket which she carries to a spot where a tractor will arrive to pick it up. No gloves. No water to wash with. She hitches up her sari tightly so that it does not trail on the ground or touch the shit. Still, it is almost impossible to go through a whole day's work without some of it inadvertently getting onto her clothes and person.

After 20-odd years of cleaning toilets, Naravanamma clings to a dignity which is markedly at variance with the work she does. She is dressed neatly, immaculately clean. Jasmine adorns her oiled and well-groomed hair.[Link}

I've put Naravanamma's quote on my desktop to remind myself that I should never complain about my job. And I should save my admiration, not for Jennifer Aniston and 50 Cent, but for people like her.

Never too late to achieve some dreams

When you're my age, you love to think that you can still do things that young people do. While watching football on TV, you say to yourself, "Even I could have thrown that ball," knowing full well that the only thing you've been able to throw recently is a fit. When you read about some whiz kid who applied a mathematical principle to the field of astronomy and earned a Ph.D., you say to yourself, "Even I could have applied a mathematical principle," knowing full well that the only thing you've applied recently is Bengay.

Your confidence in your ability is boosted by the achievements of older people, folks like Queen star Brian May, who has just earned a Ph.D. in astronomy. It's not an honorary degree -- he has two of those -- but a real one, putting him well-ahead of celebrities like Shilpa Shetty in the intellect department.

The rock guitarist, who abandoned his studies to pursue a career in music, was told of his success after taking a three-hour exam to discuss his work.

The 60-year-old, who handed in his 48,000-word tome earlier this month, said: "You can call me Dr May!"

The musician will be officially handed his PhD from London's Imperial College at the Royal Albert Hall next spring. [Link]

Wow, 48,000 words! Shetty also produced 48,000 words to earn her degree, but they were all on the set of Big Brother.