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Indian Security Forces Bracing for Protests

While anti-government protests in several Arab countries have put security forces throughout the region on high alert, India’s army, police force and other security personnel are also in a state of readiness, as part of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s proactive initiative known as Operation SAPROCS (Strategic Action to Prevent Riots Over Cricket Scores).

India, along with Bangladesh and Sri Lanka, is hosting the cricket World Cup, an event that eclipses the soccer World Cup in terms of number of fans willing to set themselves on fire after a loss.

Cricket isn’t just the No. 1 sport in India, surveys show that it’s also the No. 1 activity of any kind involving one ball or fewer. A recent poll asked male college students to rank their top ten favorite activities and “watching cricket” came second, right behind “playing cricket” and just ahead of “thinking about cricket.”

Cricket has been played in India for almost three centuries and, according to historian Gopal Krishnan, is considered by most Indians to be “the only good thing the British gave us.” Other scholars point to the vital role cricket has played in the country’s progress. Indeed, when angry nationalists demolished statues of British lords in the 1950s, they did so with cricket bats.

Despite the sport’s popularity, India has captured the World Cup only once -– way back in 1983, when you had to commit a crime to use a cell phone. Indian fans have watched in anguish as Australia hauled away the last three World Cup trophies. But hopes are high this year, because not only is the Indian team playing at home, they’re the odds-on favorites. Fans are dreaming of victory parades, fireworks displays and a national month of celebration. “It’s a heaven or hell situation,” said cricket writer Manoj Shah. “If our team wins the World Cup, everyone will be in heaven. But if they lose, all hell might break loose.”

That’s where Operation SAPROCS comes into play. A million uniformed men and women will hit the streets of major cities to quell any riots that break out. “One way or the other, a riot is going to happen,” said Mumbai cricket fan Jatin Bhagat. “If we win the World Cup, there will a big riot. If we lose, there will be a bigger riot. Some of my friends are already practicing rioting.”

In the event of an embarrassing loss, the homes of cricket players will be cordoned off by security forces, with an extra buffer provided by members of India’s SPCC (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Cricketers).

Special protection will be given to Mahendra Singh Dhoni, captain of the cricket team, as well as his namesakes, said SPCC spokesman George Abraham. “We have determined that there are 10,568 men named Mahendra Singh Dhoni in Punjab alone and we are offering them protection too.”

SPCC had originally planned to distribute effigies of every cricket player, so that fans could discharge their anger by burning and kicking the effigies. But the plan was shelved following threats of more riots from members of PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Effigies).

Mike Sanders, a global security expert, is also concerned about India’s overall security, with everyone distracted by cricket. “If any country wants to invade India,” he said, “this would be the good time to do it. And if any married women want to fool around, well ... the men are too busy!”

Prime Minister Singh took a moment at his regular press briefing to reassure the nation that the security personnel watching over India’s nuclear weapons are not simultaneously watching the World Cup. “We want to eliminate Pakistan,” Singh said, “but only with our bats.”

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Melvin Durai's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge" is now available in North America through McNallyRobinson.com It's also available at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here.

New career goal for a 4-year-old

Until recently, my 4-year-old son, Rahul, had just one ambition in life: to become a mail man. It seemed  like an exciting career, stopping at someone’s house, dropping off the mail and hopping over a fence to escape a snarling dog.

  But after visiting India recently, Rahul has come to his senses and decided to pursue a safer and more rewarding occupation: auto driver.

Yes, he wants to drive an auto-rickshaw, one of those three-wheeled vehicles that serve as mini-taxis throughout India. He wants to cruise around the city, blowing his horn constantly, and charging suckers like me twice the regular fare.

I haven’t had the heart to tell him that he’s going to have a tough time becoming an auto driver, that unless he works hard and stays focused, he’ll  never make it through auto-driving school. Here are just some of the courses my son would need to take to become a certified auto driver:

1. Introduction to Auto Driving. This course teaches you the basic principles of driving an auto, such as starting the vehicle, making it go forward, and saying with a straight face, “Meter not working.”

2. Intermediate Auto Driving. In this course, you will learn how to use your hands, not just to steer the vehicle and press the horn, but also to rub them together gleefully whenever you spot a tourist. Also taught in this course: how to use your hands to signal to other drivers that you think they’re idiots.

3. Advanced Auto Driving. This course teaches you advanced techniques, such as how to make a U-turn on a one-way street, how to spot a tourist from a mile away, and how to turn a 2-km ride into an All-India Tour. You will learn useful English phrases, such as “Don’t worry, you not pay much. Usual rate only” and “No, no, we not going in circles. This is different temple. All looking the same!”

4. Meter Management. This course teaches you how to manipulate your meter to maximize your earnings. You will learn how to turn it on and off, how to make it go faster, and how to say “meter not working” in 28 languages.

5. Fuel Management. In this course, you will learn various ways to improve fuel economy, such as giving preference to skinny customers, turning off your engine when you’re stuck in traffic, and using your hands as paddles during a monsoon rain. You will also learn how to reduce wind resistance through the highly effective technique of tailgating.

6. Negotiation Techniques. You will learn how to size up each potential customer and determine how much money they would be willing to part with. You will learn to start with a very high figure and then reduce it by a third or half, depending on how much steam comes out of your customer’s ears.

7. Health and Fitness. This course will teach you how to survive all the fumes and smells from the road, as well as from the back seat. It will also teach you how to breathe effectively, especially when you’re transporting a family of 14.

8. Auto Decoration. You’ll learn how to decorate your auto with pictures of movie stars and gods, as well as movie stars who act like gods.  This will make it easier to pray for more business: “My wife wants some new jewelry and my son wants a new cricket bat. Please bring me a rich tourist, dear Salman.”

Unsung heroes of the Winter Games

Picture this: A Pakistani skier is hurtling down the slopes at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. “Come on, Muhammad, you can do it,” he says to himself. “Make your country proud.” A gold medal would be terrific and so would a silver or bronze, but Muhammad Abbas is a realistic man and knows it would be a great achievement, as the first Pakistani to ever compete in the Winter Olympics, just to finish the course ahead of the skier from India.

Abbas, 24, completed the two runs of the giant slalom in 79th place, about 43 seconds slower than the winner, Carlo Janko of Switzerland, but 14 seconds faster than India’s Jamyang Namgial, earning him a ticker-tape parade down the streets of Karachi. Perhaps even a date with Ayesha Gilani, Miss Pakistan World.

I’m not sure if Abbas was actually excited about finishing ahead of Namgial. Reporters didn’t get a chance to interview him, as he was busy carving the words “Pakistan Power” in the snow.

Namgial, one of three Winter Olympians from India, was last among skiers who completed the giant slalom. But he has plenty to be proud of. Not only did he make it to the bottom of the hill, he crossed the finish line with his entire head above the snow.

Yes, he didn’t fall on his face, sprain his ankle or suffer some other leg injury, like so many skiers who found themselves hobbling around Olympic Village on crutches, prompting one enterprising photographer to open a booth with a sign that said: “Get your Winter ‘Oh Limp’ Pics here!”

Just qualifying for the Winter Olympics was a major achievement for Namgial and cross-country skier Tashi Lundup. The Indian government doesn’t invest much money in winter sports, just a few million rupees or so, barely enough to cover the cost of importing snow from Russia.

Actually India does get some flakes in the northern regions –- and not just when the backpackers run their fingers through their hair. But with little financial support and inadequate equipment, it was quite a challenge for Namgial to learn to ski. If you don’t believe me, just try coming down a mountain slope with two cricket bats glued to your shoes.

Namgial deserves our admiration, as do the other Winter Olympians from warm-weather countries, athletes such as Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong of Ghana, Leyti Seck of Senegal and Robel Teklemariam of Ethiopia. Not only do they have little, if any, snow in their native countries, people think they’re crazy when they pour dried potato flakes down a hill.

Friend: “Hey man, why you wasting all this food?”

Athlete: “I’m not wasting it. I’m pretending it’s snow. The Ministry of Sports bought it for me.”

Friend: “You better not let them see you. I don’t think they knew what you meant when you asked them for training food.”

For Skiwell Phiri of Zambia, going to the Winter Olympics was an experience he’ll be telling his grandchildren about. I’m so glad he shared it with us through Twitter:

---“Just arrived in Vancouver. It’s so white over here -– and I’m not talkin bout the people.”

---“Brrrr … It’s freezin outside. I don’t know what’s crazier –- me coming here or Canadians complaining about global warming.”

---“Does anyone know if it’s safe to defrost my brain in the microwave?”

---“Whose idea was it to have the Winter Olympics in such a cold country anyway?”

---“I just met the Olympians from Ghana, Senegal and Ethiopia. They were in the main lounge of Olympic Village, huddled around the fireplace.”

---“It’s time to go home. I enjoyed the Winter Olympics, despite the weather. Maybe next time I’ll come as a competitor.”

Oh, the life of an Olympian

It must be nice to be an Olympian, especially if you're one of just three athletes representing a country of a billion-plus people at the Winter Games. Shiva Keshavan, Jamyang Nangial and Tashi Lundup must feel like kings, what with the Indian sports ministry bending over backwards to give them royal treatment.

From bearing the expenses of their ceremonial clothing to daily allowances of $50 per day, the sports ministry on Tuesday said it has spent around Rs 7.4 lakh on the eight-member Indian contingent at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. [Link]

Wow, a daily allowance of $50 per day! They'll be able to visit the prestigious French restaurant Lumière, order whatever they want on the menu -- six mushroom ravioli, Fraser Valley farm duck, braised eggplant & peppers -- and dash out before the bill arrives. No point in being a top athlete if you can't make a fast exit.

If they prefer to actually pay for their food, they can still eat like a king, loading their trays at Burger King. They can also eat like a queen, piling on the toppings at Dairy Queen.

Of course, they probably don't need to eat out at all. They have their own chef. His name is R.K. Gupta and he's listed as the Indian team's "Chef de Mission." My French is rusty, but I think that means cooking is his mission.

And let's not forget that they can get lots of free food at the Olympic Village -- Big Macs and other grub -- specially chosen by the Canadian Olympic Committee to ensure that visiting athletes have the best nutrition possible to maximize the medal count of Canada.

So don't you dare suggest that the Indian team isn't being treated well. Not only are they getting $50 per day, they also got to wear the coolest uniforms at the opening ceremony. Kudos to Indian officials who rejected uniforms donated by the Indo-Canadian communty and stuck with the original uniforms, which brought the team a lot more attention at the opening ceremony, as well as compliments such as "Are they sailors?" and "Wow, I didn't know that India had a Kmart!"

Freedom to enjoy empowered women

Freedom of speech. It's not something I take for granted. I grew up in Zambia during an era when you could say anything you wanted about the country's president, as long as you had already started the engine of your getaway plane. That's what I love about countries like America and Canada -- freedom of speech has no bounds, as long as you don't scream "Fire!" in a crowded theater, threaten the president or profess your undying love for Osama bin Laden. Okay, so it does have bounds, but you get the point. I don't remember the last time a journalist or author had to run away from an angry mob. It's just not the way things are done, as I learned several years ago when I tried to assemble a mob to chase Ann Coulter.

India allows a great amount of free speech, compared to many other countries. But just ask fans of Savita Bhabhi how free they are to enjoy her sexcapades. The cartoon seductress has been banned in India, perhaps to the delight of many a wife, who remembers the good old days when her husband got his thrills out of Asterix. As S. Mitra Kalita writes in the WSJ, Savita joins The Da Vinci Code, The Polyester Prince, and Royal Magazine as "examples of India's hindrance of free speech."

You might never have heard of Royal Magazine, but it's an example of the squelching of free speech in India that seems more common—preemptive and driven by fear. Editor in chief Ronak Vyas wrote to me and said, "I have been publishing an online magazine that features nudity and had my share of problems in India. To be honest I feel like you can get away with anything as long as you don't offend a particular person or group on a personal level."

This being India, offending someone is a given. This being India, also the world's largest democracy, the government needs to weigh what's more important and whether it draws the line too soon, too early.

Consider this comment from Gaurav Jain: It's "not about the internet or Savita alone, its (sic) a general lack of freedom in being able to criticise or comment on our holy cows (leaders, gods, other religious figures) … some mob somewhere will have a reason to protest most likely in a violent manner."

Like me, he wonders whether the controversy stems from Savita being an "empowered woman making her own choices, perhaps this is a threat to certain sections of society that prefer to see their wives as creatures who should stay indoors and rear the kids (which is ACTUAL subjugation)." [Wall Street Journal]

Savita was banned because she's an "empowered woman"??? Watch out Indra Nooyi, you could be next.

Fortunately, I've already downloaded hundreds of Indra's pics to my hard drive. Let me know if you want any. And please indicate your preference: business suit or sari.

Fly T-class and enjoy your freedom

Sometimes you don't need a ticket to travel on a commercial airline. You just need a maintenance job at the airport. You can sneak onto a plane just before takeoff and fly T-class. That's toilet class.

An Indian man who returned to his home country from Saudi Arabia on an Air India flight without a ticket or a passport has been granted bail.

Stowaway Habib Hussain hid in the plane's toilet to escape what he said was a life of "bonded slavery". [Link]

If I was being held as a slave, I'd be willing to fly T-class too. The best part of flying T-class is that you don't have to stand in line to do your business. Another advantage, of course, is that you won't be served any airline food. A third plus is that you'll have plenty of legroom -- as long as you don't mind the hard seat.

Habib Hussain, who is from a village in Moradabad (UP), had gone to Saudi Arabia six months back and was employed as a loader by an agency providing services at Medina Airport. Habib boarded the aircraft for maintenance work in the Airbus A-330's toilet and locked himself in. He was spotted mid-air in the plane carrying 273 Haj pilgrims and arrested at Sanganer Airport in Jaipur late on the night of December 25. [Link]

What was he doing carrying all those pilgrims? I'm not sure. It would have been better for him to stay put in the toilet, instead of showing off his manhood.

Later, in an exclusive interview to TOI (published on January 4), Habib said that Indian workers were treated like cattle in Saudi Arabia and because of this harassment, he chose to travel without passport and ticket. He also claimed that he paid Rs 1 lakh to an agent for the job in Saudi Arabia, for which he had to sell his ancestral properties in Moradabad. [Link]

He gave an exclusive interview to Times of India (TOI), but only after receiving a text message from his lawyer: "Let TOI write about TOIlet."

Indian workers being treated like cattle in Saudi Arabia is nothing new -- it's been happening for years. Saudi employers know they can lure many Indians with lofty promises such as, "We will treat you as well as we treat our cows!"

Glenn Beck flushes away again

Glenn Beck of Fox News has shared his opinion on why it costs less to get medical treatment in India than in America:

I decided to interview the renowned Indian proctologist Dr. Freddy Reddy to get his reaction to Beck's statements.

Me: "Dr. Reddy, Glenn Beck says that the extra money spent on healthcare in America goes to, quote, 'high-tech hospitals and doctors who studied at Harvard rather than Gajra Raja medical school.' What do you think of that?"

Reddy: "I'm very surprised. I didn't know that Gajra Raja was so well-known in America. The Medical Council of India recently derecognized Gajra Raja for not having high standards, but they may have to reconsider. I'm sure the administrators of Gajra Raja have already created an ad that says: 'Gajra Raja -- mentioned on Fox News in the same sentence as Harvard.'"

Me: "Glenn Beck also says that health care workers in America make more money because, quote, 'they have an American lifestyle, maybe a couple of cars, great union benefits, and homes with something that we in America like to call flush toilets.' What do you say about that?"

Reddy: "Flush toilet? What is that? Is it a toilet in an open area? When someone sees you, your face goes flush." 

Me: "No, it's a toilet with a tank and a lever. You flush everything down a pipe."

Reddy: "Oh yes, we built one of those in India once. When President Bush came here, he insisted on having a flush toilet and we built one for him. It was a mobile one, so he could take it all over the country. I believe it's in a museum now. The Museum of Western Oddities."

Me: "Glenn Beck says that India is a beautiful country, especially near, quote, 'that one big river they have there that sounds like a disease. Come on, it does. I mean, if somebody said, 'I'm sorry, you have a really bad case of Ganges,' you'd want Cipro.'"

Reddy: "That's interesting he should say that, because I just had a patient who came to me with a pain in his bottom. I examined him and determined that he had a bad case of Glennbeckroids."

Me: "Were you able to help him?"

Reddy: "Yes, I just pulled the stick out."

The 80 percent solution to India's population growth

I've been a little concerned about India's fast-growing population, now at 1.2 billion, but I recently came across an article that has put me at ease. The article, from the London Times, describes Ghulam Nabi Azad's plan to curb population growth. Azad is the new Health and Family Welfare Minister.

“If there is electricity in every village, then people will watch TV till late at night and then fall asleep. They won’t get a chance to produce children,” Ghulam Nabi Azad said. “When there is no electricity there is nothing else to do but produce babies.” [Link]

Yes, that's what we do in my household whenever there's a power outage. Other people search for candles, I search for condoms.

Actually, I never use them, which may explain why I have three children. I'd have a lot more, but the power doesn't go out that much.

“Don’t think that I am saying this in a lighter vein,” Azad added. “I am serious. TV will have a great impact. It’s a great medium to tackle the problem . . . 80 percent of population growth can be reduced through TV.” [Link]

What about the other 20 percent? Well, that can probably be reduced through the Internet.

The minister called on India’s television channels to provide high-quality programmes, arguing that enticing content would offer alternative late-night entertainment. [Link]

Yes, it's important to have entertaining shows at night, especially on weekends. I mean, if it wasn't for Saturday Night Live, I'd probably have 12 children.

Bhut Jolokia, India's secret weapon

India is fast becoming a military power that can cause any country to tremble. Not only does it have nuclear weapons and a huge army, it also has -- here's the scary part -- extremely hot chilies. Yes, Bhut Jolokia, the hottest chili pepper in the world, grows in India and could soon be lobbed at the enemy.

Indian defence scientists are planning to put one of the world's hottest chilli powders into hand grenades.

They say the devices will be used to control rioters and in counter-insurgency operations.

Researchers say the idea is to replace explosives in small hand grenades with a certain variety of red chilli to immobilise people without killing them.

The chilli, known as Bhut Jolokia, is said to be 1,000 times hotter than commonly used kitchen chilli.  [BBC News]

Talk about a potent weapon! I don't know about you, but I'm going to keep a few Bhut Jolokias under my bed in case of a robbery.

Robber: "Hands up or I'll shoot you!"

Me: "Hands up or I'll Bhut you!"

Robber (falls to his knees) : "Please spare me. I beg you. I've got a wife and kids!"

Scientists at India's Defence Research and Development Organisation (DRDO) are quoted as saying the potent chilli will be used as a food additive for troops operating in cold conditions. [BBC News]

A food additive? It seems like a good idea, but isn't there enough Bhut-licking going on in the army?

And the powder will also be spread on the fences around army barracks in the hope the strong smell will keep out animals. [BBC News]

The army barracks -- soon to be called Bhut Camp.

If the Bhut powder works on animals, I'd like to use it in my yard to scare-away those lettuce-munching rabbits, not to mention the noisy teen-agers next door.

Black car discrimination in India

Whenever we take a long car trip, my kids play the car color game. Each of them picks a color and counts the number of cars on the road with that color. First one to 10 wins the game. During our recent drive to Edmonton, my two daughters, Lekha and Divya, usually picked one of the popular colors -- white, grey, black or blue -- while my 3-year-old son, Rahul, for some reason, always picked purple, apparently deciding that he really liked last place.

Until they started playing the game, I didn't realize how popular white and grey were. Black is also a fairly popular color.

But if my kids were playing the game in India, they'd have to avoid black and grey. Those colors are rather unpopular in India, unlike in Europe and North America, as Paul Kedrosky notes. If you look at the Financial Times chart, you'll see that the top colors in India are white, silver and red.

So what do Indians have against black cars? That's what I want to know -- and so does the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Black Cars (SPCBC). There are several possibilities:

1. Black is seen as an unfavorable or unlucky color, to put it mildly.

2. Black absorbs heat faster than lighter colors.

3. Black is the color of the Oakland Raiders and thus considered evil.

4. Black cars show dirt more readily, as well as the fingerprints of your mistress.

5. Black cars are harder to find in a parking lot, after a hard night of drinking.

6. Taxis in India are black and nobody wants to be hailed constantly.

7. Black is the color of crows, who tend to drop something that's overly visible on black cars.

Whatever the reason, it's just not fair. Imagine how that poor black car feels, sitting in a showroom in Kolkata, waiting for someone to take him home. 

Please don't despair, black car. It could be worse. You could be green. Nobody's going green these days, not even the environmentalists.

Someone will eventually pick you, black car. After all, 7% of cars sold in India are black. So be patient. Any day now, some rich man or woman will come along and buy you, telling the salesperson that you're the perfect gift for their mother-in-law.

Shashi Tharoor, minister atwitter

Should government ministers use Twitter to keep the public informed of their daily activities? That’s a question being debated in India, thanks to new Minister of State for External Affairs Shashi Tharoor, who reportedly is the first Indian minister to actively use Twitter.

In case you aren’t one of his growing legion of followers, here’s just a sampling of his recent tweets:

First day in Parliament. Still can’t believe I made it to Delhi! Remind me not to fly Kingfisher again.
7:05 AM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Have given 13 interviews in 3 languages and 2 more TV shows pending. A little overwhelmed by the media scum.
3:31 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Scrum. I meant, scrum.
3:32 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@koshy no, I won't be tweeting in Malayalam.
6:54 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@sreenivasan I've made 500 campaign speeches in Malayalam, given 150+ interviews in Malayalam, cursed my ex-wife in Malayalam!
6:59 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@verghese yes, I do regret the last part. I should have done it in French.
7:02 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Lunch with Vijay Amritraj, tennis ace and old friend. Discussed Wimbledon, Fed vs. Nad.
2:34 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

@bhupathi yes, I’m more of a “Go Fed” guy than a “Go Nad” guy.
2:43 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

Office computer still won’t work  ... too many bugs. Clerk used a spray and 100 roaches ran out!
10:22 AM May 24th from TwitterBerry

A sweet apology on the train

When it comes to providing service to customers, nobody's perfect. But what separates the good companies from the rest is their desire to rectify the mistakes, to make things better. Just look at the fine example Indian Railways Catering and Tourism Corporation (IRCTC) set this week.

When passengers aboard the Delhi-Mumbai August Kranti Rajdhani express reached Vadodara early on Tuesday morning, they were surprised to receive neatly wrapped boxes of sweets and chocolates with an apology message from the Railways.

Apparently, the passengers had not been served snacks the previous evening, and when Indian Railways Catering and Tourism Corporation (IRCTC) officials found out about it, they followed the train carrying the ‘apology gifts’ and caught up with it at Vadodara.

Lalit Sethi, a passenger on the train, said, “We were pleased to see such a reaction from IRCTC. We could not believe that it was happening in India!” [Mumbai Mirror]

Yes, it was happening in India and not without great effort from IRCTC employees. They had to really scramble after learning that a truck carrying the evening snacks had broken down and failed to reach the railway station on time. They had to get a store owner to open his store in the middle of the night, buy chocolates and other sweets, package them and rush them to Vadodara, where the train was due to stop at 4:20 a.m.

On reaching Vadodara at 3 am, they went inside an AC cabin and labelled each pack with a note saying “Sorry for the inconvenience caused to you”.

The staff put the boxes into 18 cartons, one for each compartment, and waited for the train to arrive. They finally boarded the train at Vadodara station at 4.20 am.

Parmar said, “The passengers were sleeping and we waited until they woke up. We then apologised for not serving them evening snacks and gave them the gifts. We had to stay awake the entire night and travel up to Mumbai. However, the entire task was worth it as the commuters appreciated our efforts.” [Mumbai Mirror]

Of course, they appreciated it, adults and kids alike. It's one of the first things you learn in business: Adults appreciate having good service and kids appreciate having sweets for breakfast.

The cowboys of Delhi

No, that isn't the cast of Danny Boyle's new movie Slumdog Cowboys -- that's a group of real-life cow catchers. They're rounding up cows from the streets of Delhi, helping to prepare the city for next year's Commonwealth Games, whose organising committee, unfortunately, did not want to add a hurdling element to the marathon.

In India's capital, cattle are both sacred and yet often surprisingly neglected. Cows that may be owned by a farmer and milked regularly, are often left to wander the traffic-filled streets during the day, creating chaos and causing accidents. [Link]

I'm not sure how much chaos they create, but they certainly create a lot of dung. It can be used as fertilizer and fuel, but it's not something you want to see lying on the street, especially if you just paid $500 for a pair of running shoes that you hope will win you a gold medal.

The dangers facing these urban cowboys are many. The horns of a bull can cause nasty injuries and it's common for the cowcatchers to come home with injuries. These young workers – the majority of whom are privately contracted and receive just $70 a month – invariably have no health coverage.

Then there is the threat of the people who either claim to own the cattle, or who disapprove of the supposedly sacred animals being captured and unceremoniously loaded on to a hydraulic truck. "Sometimes people will fight with us and try to release the cows," said Lal Krishnan, 37, a goodnatured cow-catching foreman who has been doing this job for 18 years. "Sometimes they throw stones. Sometimes they beat us up. I've been beaten up before." [Link]

It's a tough job, rounding up cows in India. Never mind that the Commonwealth Games are approaching -- many people think of the cows as their common wealth and don't want you playing games with them.

Population explosion in India

It was only a decade ago that India's population reached one billion. But it's now so much higher than that.

State-owned Indian railways is an immense network connecting every corner of the vast country. More than 6 billion people travel by train in India every year. [Link]

Yikes! Talk about population explosion!

I knew this would happen, I just knew it. India's population growth was just fine until the turn of the century -- and then someone had to go and invent Viagra.

Don't count on using the loo

India's general election went fairly smoothly, except for any women needing to use the toilet, as Abantika Ghosh recounts in her blog. Covering the vote count for The Times of India, Abantika found herself with a full bladder, but nowhere to go. She had to complete a virtual obstacle course to find a toilet, and when she finally did, guess what happened?

There it was. ``Ladies’ Toilet’’ written in bright red, right in front of me. I made a dash and almost rammed into a bulky man in white cotton short and pant – the typical ones worn by politicians’ hangers-on. Even before I could open my mouth to chastise him for using the women’s loo, three or four men trooped in. As far as they were concerned they had definitely missed half of the sign outside. They had just read the second word and got going.

I gave up. [Link]

Poor Abantika. Life can be so unfair. Isn't it enough that men can pee almost anywhere? Do they need to take over the Ladies' Toilet too?

Photo by Matt Logelin

An email that a-tax us

Some emails can be downright scary, such as this one that has been landing in scores of inboxes and even appears as a news item (seemingly) on the website of India Journal, making it available through Google News.

NEW DELHI – The Government of India announced April 22 imposition of a flat 5% tax on all NRIs over their world-wide income.

Income that is already taxed in India has been kept out of the purview to avoid double taxation. No double taxation benefits would be available for this 5% tax, meaning even if you are paying tax on your income in a country with which India has double taxation agreement, the benefit would not be allowed against this 5% tax.

All those Indians who are holding Indian Passports and have been out of the country for more than 180 days during the year are under this requirement. Income proof would have to be submitted in form of employer certificates, foreign tax filings etc.

The Indian government is also coordinating with Australia, Europe, America, UAE and other countries on collecting Income data for its citizens as part of data sharing initiative on terror prevention measures. This has been hailed as bringing in compulsory participation in development of India from Non Resident Indians. This means NRIs can no more just continue to retain their Indian citizenship without paying taxes in India. ...

Having recently filed my taxes, the thought of having to hand over another piece of my income almost gave me a lump in my throat. Thankfully, Fawaz Iqbal put me at ease when I came across a post on his blog that confirmed the email's hoaxity (is that a word?). But I'm still a little concerned and join a commenter named Guru on Fawaz's blog in asking -- even begging -- the creator of the email "not to give such ideas to our Indian politicians."

Manmohan Singh gets Obama's autograph

Dr. Manmohan Singh is a happy man today. He just got Barack Obama's autograph. The trip to London was well worth it.

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, leader of the world’s largest democracy, used part of his one-on-one session with Obama to ask for an autograph on behalf of his daughter (or so he said). [Link]

Singh, 76, has three daughters, all accomplished women who probably wouldn't have bugged their dad to get Obama's autograph. So what gives? Surely a man of Singh's stature didn't need to look like a fawning fan.

Instead of speculating further, I decided to ask Singh himself. He graciously accepted my long-distance phone call.

Me: "Congratulations Dr. Singh! I heard that the G-20 summit went well."

Singh: "Thank you. It was very successful. I met The Man."

Me: "Yes, I heard. What did you say to The Man?"

Singh: "I said 'You da Man!' And I shared some turban-wearing tips with him."

Me: "I heard that you also got his autograph."

Singh: "Yes, I asked him for his autograph and he gave it to me quickly, without hesitation, without even looking away from the cameras. What a nice man. I am very pleased to have his autograph on a document called 'Pledge to Increase Outsourcing.'"

Me: "I knew you were a brilliant man, Dr. Singh, but I didn't realize how brilliant."

Doctoring the documents like never before

India has a reputation for producing a lot of doctors, but it may also be gaining a reputation for producing a lot of doctoring. The fake-document industry appears to be flourishing like never before, which makes you wonder how many of those doctors have doctorates that were doctored. Not many, I believe, but every now and then, a fraudulent doctor is busted, perhaps after giving a patient reason to doubt his medical knowledge.

Patient: "Doctor, my angina is killing me. Please help me!"

Doctor: "Okay, lie back and spread your legs."

A Bangladeshi man named Golam Kibria was recently fined for practicing medicine with no real  qualifications -- unless you count that high school certificate.

After interrogation, Kibria confessed holding no medical qualifications. He said he began his career as an employee at a pharmacy in Kushtia in 1991. Since he wanted 'to become a doctor', in 2003 he went to India and bought MBBS and MD (Doctor of Medicine) certificates at a cost of Tk 12,000 from a network of people there who specialise in sale of 'fake' certificates of different colleges and universities. [Link]

Only Tk 12,000 ($175) for a pair of medical degrees? Wow, I wonder if I can finally make my mother's dream come true. Don't worry: I'm not planning on practicing medicine -- just practicing being a good son.

Imagine how pleased my mom would be to display my MD certificate on her bedroom wall, right next to my PhD from Harvard and MBA from Wharton.

Fake passports get Jet Airways in trouble

Jet Airways, one of India's largest airlines, has been given a warning: do a better job catching people traveling on fake passports or you might not be able to travel yourself. Travel to Canada, that is.

Agents for Citizenship and Immigration Canada and the Canada Border Service Agency have discovered dozens of Jet Airways passengers arriving at Toronto's Pearson International Airport with fake travel documents in recent months, five sources familiar with the matter told the Star.

After pressure from Canadian officials, Jet has reassigned responsibility for passenger security checks to its security division from its customer service department.

"We want to root out this menace as much as anyone," said Ragini Chopra, a Jet spokesperson. [Link]

Compared to the customer service department, the security division may do a better job of detecting fake passports. But they may also do a better job of detecting money inside them.

In most cases, a person with an extensive international travel history applied for and received a legitimate Canadian visa.

The photo page of their Indian passport was then replaced with a doctored one and used by a different person. [Link]

Whether it's patients or documents, Indians are good at being doctors. Just don't take a closer look at that medical degree.

Yes, Indians are experts at doctoring. How else do you think I'm a citizen of ten countries?

Passengers involved in the scam have applied for refugee status after their arrival in Toronto, and remain in Canada.

Under Canadian immigration law, most people who arrive at a port of entry are entitled to make a claim for refugee status.

Investigators involved in rooting out the scam said reservations for Canadian hotels were made over the Internet and a printout was produced to show border agents in Toronto.

"The hotels were a good tipoff," one immigration investigator told the Star. "The reservations were all at hotels on the airport strip in Mississauga.

"If you're spending all that money to travel around the world and come to Canada in November, why would you book a reservation for two weeks on the airport strip?" [Link]

Well, maybe you got a little excited when you saw the word "strip."

I'm glad that Canada allows such people to apply for refugee status. Better to give everyone a fair hearing than to summarily kick them out. Most commenters on The Toronto Star's website, however, want to see the boot meeting the butt:

No questions asked, send them back.

Without wasting a single moment illegals should be sent back upon their arrival in Canadia. Such individuals also bring a bad name to the people of their own country who are living here by legal means.

And while we're it, we should kick out anyone who doesn't know how to spell 'Canada.'

An amorous text message from a call center worker

I often get annoyed at call center workers, especially when they call me at an inopportune time. But at least none of them has tried to get romantic with me, as a call center romeo did with a British woman who had signed up for a BT (British Telecom) landline.

"A few days later I had a call from a call centre from a gentleman who sounded overseas who processed all the order.

"I got a second phone call from him saying I had an email confirmation and he started asking personal questions like what I was doing that day.

"Then I started getting text messages."

One message read "Hello, we spoke two hours ago regarding ur BT order. U must be thinking dat why I called u up second time without any reason of the call but to be honest I got attracted towards you and your wonderful voice. Can i be ur friend?"

Another read: "As precious as u r to me, as precious only few can ever be, I know all friends r hard to choose but u r someone i never want to lose. Take care xxx." [Link]

The woman says she felt "violated" and complained to BT. The company disciplined the worker and tried to appease the woman.

The company has sent her flowers and made an offer of £250 compensation. [Link]

Sent her flowers? Isn't that how BT got in trouble in the first place -- trying to get romantic with her?

The woman made a complaint about the call center worker, but perhaps she should have scared him off the way women usually scare men off.

And if that didn't work, she could have tried the "Dad's coming" approach:

 

And finally, she could have tried the "Got cash?" approach: