Nshima & Curry

Bhut Jolokia, India's secret weapon

India is fast becoming a military power that can cause any country to tremble. Not only does it have nuclear weapons and a huge army, it also has -- here's the scary part -- extremely hot chilies. Yes, Bhut Jolokia, the hottest chili pepper in the world, grows in India and could soon be lobbed at the enemy.

Indian defence scientists are planning to put one of the world's hottest chilli powders into hand grenades.

They say the devices will be used to control rioters and in counter-insurgency operations.

Researchers say the idea is to replace explosives in small hand grenades with a certain variety of red chilli to immobilise people without killing them.

The chilli, known as Bhut Jolokia, is said to be 1,000 times hotter than commonly used kitchen chilli.  [BBC News]

Talk about a potent weapon! I don't know about you, but I'm going to keep a few Bhut Jolokias under my bed in case of a robbery.

Robber: "Hands up or I'll shoot you!"

Me: "Hands up or I'll Bhut you!"

Robber (falls to his knees) : "Please spare me. I beg you. I've got a wife and kids!"

Scientists at India's Defence Research and Development Organisation (DRDO) are quoted as saying the potent chilli will be used as a food additive for troops operating in cold conditions. [BBC News]

A food additive? It seems like a good idea, but isn't there enough Bhut-licking going on in the army?

And the powder will also be spread on the fences around army barracks in the hope the strong smell will keep out animals. [BBC News]

The army barracks -- soon to be called Bhut Camp.

If the Bhut powder works on animals, I'd like to use it in my yard to scare-away those lettuce-munching rabbits, not to mention the noisy teen-agers next door.

Black car discrimination in India

Whenever we take a long car trip, my kids play the car color game. Each of them picks a color and counts the number of cars on the road with that color. First one to 10 wins the game. During our recent drive to Edmonton, my two daughters, Lekha and Divya, usually picked one of the popular colors -- white, grey, black or blue -- while my 3-year-old son, Rahul, for some reason, always picked purple, apparently deciding that he really liked last place.

Until they started playing the game, I didn't realize how popular white and grey were. Black is also a fairly popular color.

But if my kids were playing the game in India, they'd have to avoid black and grey. Those colors are rather unpopular in India, unlike in Europe and North America, as Paul Kedrosky notes. If you look at the Financial Times chart, you'll see that the top colors in India are white, silver and red.

So what do Indians have against black cars? That's what I want to know -- and so does the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Black Cars (SPCBC). There are several possibilities:

1. Black is seen as an unfavorable or unlucky color, to put it mildly.

2. Black absorbs heat faster than lighter colors.

3. Black is the color of the Oakland Raiders and thus considered evil.

4. Black cars show dirt more readily, as well as the fingerprints of your mistress.

5. Black cars are harder to find in a parking lot, after a hard night of drinking.

6. Taxis in India are black and nobody wants to be hailed constantly.

7. Black is the color of crows, who tend to drop something that's overly visible on black cars.

Whatever the reason, it's just not fair. Imagine how that poor black car feels, sitting in a showroom in Kolkata, waiting for someone to take him home. 

Please don't despair, black car. It could be worse. You could be green. Nobody's going green these days, not even the environmentalists.

Someone will eventually pick you, black car. After all, 7% of cars sold in India are black. So be patient. Any day now, some rich man or woman will come along and buy you, telling the salesperson that you're the perfect gift for their mother-in-law.

Shashi Tharoor, minister atwitter

Should government ministers use Twitter to keep the public informed of their daily activities? That’s a question being debated in India, thanks to new Minister of State for External Affairs Shashi Tharoor, who reportedly is the first Indian minister to actively use Twitter.

In case you aren’t one of his growing legion of followers, here’s just a sampling of his recent tweets:

First day in Parliament. Still can’t believe I made it to Delhi! Remind me not to fly Kingfisher again.
7:05 AM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Have given 13 interviews in 3 languages and 2 more TV shows pending. A little overwhelmed by the media scum.
3:31 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Scrum. I meant, scrum.
3:32 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@koshy no, I won't be tweeting in Malayalam.
6:54 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@sreenivasan I've made 500 campaign speeches in Malayalam, given 150+ interviews in Malayalam, cursed my ex-wife in Malayalam!
6:59 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

@verghese yes, I do regret the last part. I should have done it in French.
7:02 PM May 19th from TwitterBerry

Lunch with Vijay Amritraj, tennis ace and old friend. Discussed Wimbledon, Fed vs. Nad.
2:34 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

@bhupathi yes, I’m more of a “Go Fed” guy than a “Go Nad” guy.
2:43 PM May 20th from TwitterBerry

Office computer still won’t work  ... too many bugs. Clerk used a spray and 100 roaches ran out!
10:22 AM May 24th from TwitterBerry

A sweet apology on the train

When it comes to providing service to customers, nobody's perfect. But what separates the good companies from the rest is their desire to rectify the mistakes, to make things better. Just look at the fine example Indian Railways Catering and Tourism Corporation (IRCTC) set this week.

When passengers aboard the Delhi-Mumbai August Kranti Rajdhani express reached Vadodara early on Tuesday morning, they were surprised to receive neatly wrapped boxes of sweets and chocolates with an apology message from the Railways.

Apparently, the passengers had not been served snacks the previous evening, and when Indian Railways Catering and Tourism Corporation (IRCTC) officials found out about it, they followed the train carrying the ‘apology gifts’ and caught up with it at Vadodara.

Lalit Sethi, a passenger on the train, said, “We were pleased to see such a reaction from IRCTC. We could not believe that it was happening in India!” [Mumbai Mirror]

Yes, it was happening in India and not without great effort from IRCTC employees. They had to really scramble after learning that a truck carrying the evening snacks had broken down and failed to reach the railway station on time. They had to get a store owner to open his store in the middle of the night, buy chocolates and other sweets, package them and rush them to Vadodara, where the train was due to stop at 4:20 a.m.

On reaching Vadodara at 3 am, they went inside an AC cabin and labelled each pack with a note saying “Sorry for the inconvenience caused to you”.

The staff put the boxes into 18 cartons, one for each compartment, and waited for the train to arrive. They finally boarded the train at Vadodara station at 4.20 am.

Parmar said, “The passengers were sleeping and we waited until they woke up. We then apologised for not serving them evening snacks and gave them the gifts. We had to stay awake the entire night and travel up to Mumbai. However, the entire task was worth it as the commuters appreciated our efforts.” [Mumbai Mirror]

Of course, they appreciated it, adults and kids alike. It's one of the first things you learn in business: Adults appreciate having good service and kids appreciate having sweets for breakfast.

The cowboys of Delhi

No, that isn't the cast of Danny Boyle's new movie Slumdog Cowboys -- that's a group of real-life cow catchers. They're rounding up cows from the streets of Delhi, helping to prepare the city for next year's Commonwealth Games, whose organising committee, unfortunately, did not want to add a hurdling element to the marathon.

In India's capital, cattle are both sacred and yet often surprisingly neglected. Cows that may be owned by a farmer and milked regularly, are often left to wander the traffic-filled streets during the day, creating chaos and causing accidents. [Link]

I'm not sure how much chaos they create, but they certainly create a lot of dung. It can be used as fertilizer and fuel, but it's not something you want to see lying on the street, especially if you just paid $500 for a pair of running shoes that you hope will win you a gold medal.

The dangers facing these urban cowboys are many. The horns of a bull can cause nasty injuries and it's common for the cowcatchers to come home with injuries. These young workers – the majority of whom are privately contracted and receive just $70 a month – invariably have no health coverage.

Then there is the threat of the people who either claim to own the cattle, or who disapprove of the supposedly sacred animals being captured and unceremoniously loaded on to a hydraulic truck. "Sometimes people will fight with us and try to release the cows," said Lal Krishnan, 37, a goodnatured cow-catching foreman who has been doing this job for 18 years. "Sometimes they throw stones. Sometimes they beat us up. I've been beaten up before." [Link]

It's a tough job, rounding up cows in India. Never mind that the Commonwealth Games are approaching -- many people think of the cows as their common wealth and don't want you playing games with them.

Population explosion in India

It was only a decade ago that India's population reached one billion. But it's now so much higher than that.

State-owned Indian railways is an immense network connecting every corner of the vast country. More than 6 billion people travel by train in India every year. [Link]

Yikes! Talk about population explosion!

I knew this would happen, I just knew it. India's population growth was just fine until the turn of the century -- and then someone had to go and invent Viagra.

Don't count on using the loo

India's general election went fairly smoothly, except for any women needing to use the toilet, as Abantika Ghosh recounts in her blog. Covering the vote count for The Times of India, Abantika found herself with a full bladder, but nowhere to go. She had to complete a virtual obstacle course to find a toilet, and when she finally did, guess what happened?

There it was. ``Ladies’ Toilet’’ written in bright red, right in front of me. I made a dash and almost rammed into a bulky man in white cotton short and pant – the typical ones worn by politicians’ hangers-on. Even before I could open my mouth to chastise him for using the women’s loo, three or four men trooped in. As far as they were concerned they had definitely missed half of the sign outside. They had just read the second word and got going.

I gave up. [Link]

Poor Abantika. Life can be so unfair. Isn't it enough that men can pee almost anywhere? Do they need to take over the Ladies' Toilet too?

Photo by Matt Logelin

An email that a-tax us

Some emails can be downright scary, such as this one that has been landing in scores of inboxes and even appears as a news item (seemingly) on the website of India Journal, making it available through Google News.

NEW DELHI – The Government of India announced April 22 imposition of a flat 5% tax on all NRIs over their world-wide income.

Income that is already taxed in India has been kept out of the purview to avoid double taxation. No double taxation benefits would be available for this 5% tax, meaning even if you are paying tax on your income in a country with which India has double taxation agreement, the benefit would not be allowed against this 5% tax.

All those Indians who are holding Indian Passports and have been out of the country for more than 180 days during the year are under this requirement. Income proof would have to be submitted in form of employer certificates, foreign tax filings etc.

The Indian government is also coordinating with Australia, Europe, America, UAE and other countries on collecting Income data for its citizens as part of data sharing initiative on terror prevention measures. This has been hailed as bringing in compulsory participation in development of India from Non Resident Indians. This means NRIs can no more just continue to retain their Indian citizenship without paying taxes in India. ...

Having recently filed my taxes, the thought of having to hand over another piece of my income almost gave me a lump in my throat. Thankfully, Fawaz Iqbal put me at ease when I came across a post on his blog that confirmed the email's hoaxity (is that a word?). But I'm still a little concerned and join a commenter named Guru on Fawaz's blog in asking -- even begging -- the creator of the email "not to give such ideas to our Indian politicians."

Manmohan Singh gets Obama's autograph

Dr. Manmohan Singh is a happy man today. He just got Barack Obama's autograph. The trip to London was well worth it.

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, leader of the world’s largest democracy, used part of his one-on-one session with Obama to ask for an autograph on behalf of his daughter (or so he said). [Link]

Singh, 76, has three daughters, all accomplished women who probably wouldn't have bugged their dad to get Obama's autograph. So what gives? Surely a man of Singh's stature didn't need to look like a fawning fan.

Instead of speculating further, I decided to ask Singh himself. He graciously accepted my long-distance phone call.

Me: "Congratulations Dr. Singh! I heard that the G-20 summit went well."

Singh: "Thank you. It was very successful. I met The Man."

Me: "Yes, I heard. What did you say to The Man?"

Singh: "I said 'You da Man!' And I shared some turban-wearing tips with him."

Me: "I heard that you also got his autograph."

Singh: "Yes, I asked him for his autograph and he gave it to me quickly, without hesitation, without even looking away from the cameras. What a nice man. I am very pleased to have his autograph on a document called 'Pledge to Increase Outsourcing.'"

Me: "I knew you were a brilliant man, Dr. Singh, but I didn't realize how brilliant."

Doctoring the documents like never before

India has a reputation for producing a lot of doctors, but it may also be gaining a reputation for producing a lot of doctoring. The fake-document industry appears to be flourishing like never before, which makes you wonder how many of those doctors have doctorates that were doctored. Not many, I believe, but every now and then, a fraudulent doctor is busted, perhaps after giving a patient reason to doubt his medical knowledge.

Patient: "Doctor, my angina is killing me. Please help me!"

Doctor: "Okay, lie back and spread your legs."

A Bangladeshi man named Golam Kibria was recently fined for practicing medicine with no real  qualifications -- unless you count that high school certificate.

After interrogation, Kibria confessed holding no medical qualifications. He said he began his career as an employee at a pharmacy in Kushtia in 1991. Since he wanted 'to become a doctor', in 2003 he went to India and bought MBBS and MD (Doctor of Medicine) certificates at a cost of Tk 12,000 from a network of people there who specialise in sale of 'fake' certificates of different colleges and universities. [Link]

Only Tk 12,000 ($175) for a pair of medical degrees? Wow, I wonder if I can finally make my mother's dream come true. Don't worry: I'm not planning on practicing medicine -- just practicing being a good son.

Imagine how pleased my mom would be to display my MD certificate on her bedroom wall, right next to my PhD from Harvard and MBA from Wharton.

Fake passports get Jet Airways in trouble

Jet Airways, one of India's largest airlines, has been given a warning: do a better job catching people traveling on fake passports or you might not be able to travel yourself. Travel to Canada, that is.

Agents for Citizenship and Immigration Canada and the Canada Border Service Agency have discovered dozens of Jet Airways passengers arriving at Toronto's Pearson International Airport with fake travel documents in recent months, five sources familiar with the matter told the Star.

After pressure from Canadian officials, Jet has reassigned responsibility for passenger security checks to its security division from its customer service department.

"We want to root out this menace as much as anyone," said Ragini Chopra, a Jet spokesperson. [Link]

Compared to the customer service department, the security division may do a better job of detecting fake passports. But they may also do a better job of detecting money inside them.

In most cases, a person with an extensive international travel history applied for and received a legitimate Canadian visa.

The photo page of their Indian passport was then replaced with a doctored one and used by a different person. [Link]

Whether it's patients or documents, Indians are good at being doctors. Just don't take a closer look at that medical degree.

Yes, Indians are experts at doctoring. How else do you think I'm a citizen of ten countries?

Passengers involved in the scam have applied for refugee status after their arrival in Toronto, and remain in Canada.

Under Canadian immigration law, most people who arrive at a port of entry are entitled to make a claim for refugee status.

Investigators involved in rooting out the scam said reservations for Canadian hotels were made over the Internet and a printout was produced to show border agents in Toronto.

"The hotels were a good tipoff," one immigration investigator told the Star. "The reservations were all at hotels on the airport strip in Mississauga.

"If you're spending all that money to travel around the world and come to Canada in November, why would you book a reservation for two weeks on the airport strip?" [Link]

Well, maybe you got a little excited when you saw the word "strip."

I'm glad that Canada allows such people to apply for refugee status. Better to give everyone a fair hearing than to summarily kick them out. Most commenters on The Toronto Star's website, however, want to see the boot meeting the butt:

No questions asked, send them back.

Without wasting a single moment illegals should be sent back upon their arrival in Canadia. Such individuals also bring a bad name to the people of their own country who are living here by legal means.

And while we're it, we should kick out anyone who doesn't know how to spell 'Canada.'

An amorous text message from a call center worker

I often get annoyed at call center workers, especially when they call me at an inopportune time. But at least none of them has tried to get romantic with me, as a call center romeo did with a British woman who had signed up for a BT (British Telecom) landline.

"A few days later I had a call from a call centre from a gentleman who sounded overseas who processed all the order.

"I got a second phone call from him saying I had an email confirmation and he started asking personal questions like what I was doing that day.

"Then I started getting text messages."

One message read "Hello, we spoke two hours ago regarding ur BT order. U must be thinking dat why I called u up second time without any reason of the call but to be honest I got attracted towards you and your wonderful voice. Can i be ur friend?"

Another read: "As precious as u r to me, as precious only few can ever be, I know all friends r hard to choose but u r someone i never want to lose. Take care xxx." [Link]

The woman says she felt "violated" and complained to BT. The company disciplined the worker and tried to appease the woman.

The company has sent her flowers and made an offer of £250 compensation. [Link]

Sent her flowers? Isn't that how BT got in trouble in the first place -- trying to get romantic with her?

The woman made a complaint about the call center worker, but perhaps she should have scared him off the way women usually scare men off.

And if that didn't work, she could have tried the "Dad's coming" approach:

 

And finally, she could have tried the "Got cash?" approach:

 

The case of the disappearing mustache

Say it isn't so. Please tell me that Indian men are sporting facial hair as enthusiastically as ever, that the choir-boy look isn't taking over. I've had a goatee for the last decade or so and don't want to be seen as a relic, a reminder of what Indians used to look like. According to a new book, I have reason to be concerned.

"Hair India - A Guide to the Bizarre Beards and Magnificent Moustaches of Hindustan" says that India's extravagant beards and moustaches - proudly sported by generations of Indian men - are being trimmed as the country becomes more clean-shaven and urban.

Author Richard McCallum says that clean chins are becoming more commonplace among younger people who no longer have role models sporting beards or moustaches.

He points out that most well-known Indian cricket players no longer have facial hair, while many in Bollywood have opted instead for token designer stubble.

Mr McCallum spent several months travelling the length and breadth of the country to find the bushiest beards and most magisterial moustaches before they disappeared forever. [Link]

Disappeared forever? Please don't scare me like that. I really don't want to live in a world with no handle-bar mustaches and bee-hive beards, a world where every man is a smooth operator.

While facial hair will always be proudly displayed by Sikhs, for whom "kesh" (uncut hair) is a religious principle, it seems that ... [Link]

Ah yes, the Sikhs. I can always count on the Sikhs. Thank God for the Sikhs.

Climb trees, protect the Prime Minister

I climbed lots of trees when I was a kid, but I never got paid to do so, not even when the president or prime minister came to town. So I'm somewhat envious of the Indian teen-agers who were recently paid Rs.120 each to climb trees and look out for bad guys during a visit from Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. My parents were wrong: money does grow on trees.

"We have been asked to keep a close watch on any movement in the trees" said Jayanta Das, a student at Shantiniketan, near Calcutta, where Mr Singh was presiding over the convocation of the Visva Bharati University.

"We have also been instructed to shake the trees from time to time to ensure that all is fine," he added. [Link]

They were not just looking for bad guys, apparently. They were also looking for snakes. It would be quite an embarrassment for India if a snake fell out of a tree and bit the Prime Minister. Especially if the snake had made its way from Pakistan.

The latest example of India's chaotic and incompetent security measures comes 10 days after the devastating Mumbai terrorist strikes that claimed nearly 180 lives and led to accusations of security lapses. [Link]

Chaotic and incompetent? That seems really unfair, especially coming from a newspaper in Britain, where, last I heard, Prime MInister Gordon Brown puts himself at great risk, visiting towns and cities where trees have not been shaken.

Local police chief L N Meena defended using children to supplement the prime minister's security detail as there were far too many trees in the area and not enough policemen to man them.

"The area is full of trees, so to check them to see if there were any anti-social elements or anyone making mischief, we employed the youths" he said. [Link]

Makes a lot of sense to me. If only the police had hired me when I was a teen. Instead, just for climbing trees, I was accused of being an anti-social element making mischief.

Photo by Seema K K

Column: Let's hope it wasn't India's 9/11

The terrorist attacks on Mumbai have been called "India's 9/11" by a number of media outlets. That scares me. If this was India's 9/11, does that mean that sometime in the future, America is going to have a 11/26? I hope not. I’ve looked at the statistics and, trust me, Americans are quite good at shooting each other. They don't need any help from foreigners.

What scares me even more is the war that might result from India’s 9/11. I mean, haven't the people of Iraq suffered enough? They really don't need another country invading them. It would be a shame if American troops left Iraq in 2009 and Indian troops replaced them in 2010. That might seem like a positive outcome for President Obama, but he’d have trouble convincing Americans that he wasn’t just taking outsourcing to a whole new level.

You might think it's ridiculous to believe that India would invade Iraq. But let’s face facts: Iraq was just as responsible for India's 9/11 as it was for America’s. So don’t be surprised if, sometime in 2011, Indian soldiers do what Americans did several years earlier: pull Saddam Hussein out of a hole and put him on trial. (Chances are, he’ll be a lot more cooperative this time.)

Report: Thousands of Indians suffer from BNS

DELHI -- In the aftermath of the Mumbai terrorist attacks, doctors around India have treated thousands of people suffering from a new ailment called BNS or 'Breaking News' Syndrome. It primarily affects viewers of CNN-IBN and NDTV, causing many of them to walk around in a dazed state, the words 'Breaking News' flashing across their eyes.

"They have been watching the news nonstop," said Dr. Vikas Bose of Bose Clinic. "Every few seconds, the words 'Breaking News' appear on the screen and eventually the words become embedded in their brains. It's like a soldier returning from war and being unable to see anything else but the terrible carnage."

Doctors at Apollo Hospital treated one man who kept rubbing his eyes, trying desperately to stop the two words from flashing. "We had to sedate him and then apply a topical ointment to his eyes," said Dr. Mahesh Das. "It seems to have worked, but the man is now rubbing his ears, saying that he keeps hearing Sagarika Ghose's voice."

The most unusual case was recorded in Calcutta, where a man named Gopalakrishnan complained that the word "breaking" was flashing in his left eye and "news" in his right eye. "I'm not sure how it happened," he said. "Perhaps I should not have been sitting so close to the TV."

A woman in Chennai reported that her husband woke up in the middle of the night screaming, "Breaking News! Breaking News! Breaking News!"

"I couldn't get him to stop," said the middle-aged woman, who requested anonymity. "I tried everything. Then finally my son suggested that I put CNN-IBN on. And do you know what my husband did? He got a brick and shattered the TV screen. I think he thought he was breaking the news!"

Report: Mumbai attacks test Pakistan's new ministry

ISLAMABAD -- The terrorist attacks on Mumbai have put the spotlight on a new ministry created by Pakistan Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gillani: the Ministry of Denial.

So far, the ministry has performed beyond expectations, according to a senior government official. "The Prime Minister is very happy," the official said. "The ministry issued 2,385 denials in the first 24 hours alone."

So efficient was the ministry that it issued the first denial five minutes before the attacks took place.

Asked how that was possible without foreknowledge, the government official said, "It is the time difference. We are 30 minutes ahead of Mumbai."

Denying responsibility for terrorist attacks in India has become such a regular task for Pakistani officials in recent years that Gillani decided in October to create the new ministry. The Mumbai attacks were the first major test for the ministry, which responded by not only faxing and emailing press releases to the media, but also creating a "Pakistan didn't do it" group on Facebook.

S.M. Qureshi, Minister of Denial, was also interviewed on CNN and other networks, wearing a cap that said, "No, we didn't."

He took exception to Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's statement that the attacks had originated outside the country. "The Indian government should not jump to any conclusions," Qureshi said. "And they should not run or walk to any conclusions either."

He said India should carry out a thorough investigation before pointing fingers at anyone. "We hope it will be good investigation," he said. "They should take their time and, whatever happens, not get any help from Scotland Yard."

Noting that a group called Deccan Mujahideen has claimed responsibility for the attacks, Qureshi said, "I urge all western journalists to look at the map. They will find out that Pakistan and Deccan are as far apart as Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston."

Experts say that the scale and sophistication of the attacks suggest that a group outside India may have co-ordinated them. "Our Mujahideen are not that sophisticated," Qureshi said. "All they know how to do is plant bombs and bomb plants. That's about it."

The Pirates and the Indians

The world is full of surprises. If you had told me a few months ago that two young men from India would soon sign professional baseball contracts in America, I would have said, "You're nuts! Please ask your doctor for some medication!" If you had told me that the two men would have never played in a real baseball game at any level before turning pro, I would have said, "Are you already taking some drugs?" If you had told me that the two men would have never even caught a ball with gloves before this year, I would have said, "On which street corner did you buy the drugs?"

As incredible as it may seem, we're soon going to have a Singh and a Patel playing professional baseball in America. Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, to be precise. The two men, both former javelin throwers, have signed free-agent contracts with the Pittsburgh Pirates. That means, of course, that India is going to have to stop attacking pirates and start cheering for them.

Singh and Patel came to the United States six months ago after being the top finishers in an Indian reality TV show called the “Million Dollar Arm” that drew about 30,000 contestants. The show sought to find athletes who could throw strikes at 85 miles per hour or faster. [Link]

Among 30,000 contestants, Singh and Patel were the only ones who didn't try to bowl the ball. Patel threw the ball at speeds exceeding 90 mph, faster than any Indian man threw objects at the TV during the last cricket World Cup.

Mate wanted for a 36-year-old who's tall, dark and good-natured

Don't be surprised if you see this matrimonial ad on the Internet: "Mate wanted for a 36-year-old widower, 6 feet tall, dark-haired, bilingual and good-natured. Hobbies include bathing and searching for food. Please send photo and bio-data."

It's an ad that would probably get responses from women all over the world, but it's unlikely that any of them would be able to satisfy the poor widower, a fellow by the name of Polo. You see, Polo wants his mate to be hairy, extremely hairy. And you really can't blame him, for he happens to be a gorilla. And not just any gorilla, but India's only gorilla.

Even though Polo is 6 feet tall, dark-haired, bilingual and good-natured, the 36-year-old silverback gorilla is still single after a fruitless eight-year search.

"We have written to all major zoos in the world. We have tried everything," said Vijay Ranjan Singh, the director of the zoo in Mysore, a city in southern India about 525 miles southeast of Mumbai. [Link]

Have they really tried everything? I'll bet they haven't placed a matrimonial ad on the most popular matchmaking site for gorillas: www.PrimeMates.com

Polo is a western lowland gorilla, native to the forests of central Africa. Silverback gorillas — marked with a distinctive patch — are dominant males who usually live in family groups in the wild.

"He is not very happy. The few joys he enjoys are bathing and searching for food that his keeper hides in blocks of ice or in bamboo to keep him energized," Singh said.

For the prospective mate, Singh says Polo is good-natured and responds to commands in both the local Kannada language and English. [Link]

You hear that, ladies? Polo is quite a catch. It might be easy to find a man who's tall, dark and good-natured, but you'd have to search high and low to find one who "responds to commands."

So what are you waiting for? Rush to the nearest travel agent and buy yourself a ticket to Mysore. And try your best to impress Polo. Not sure how? Well, for starters, you might want to stop shaving your legs for a couple of weeks.

Column: The key to a happy marriage: hiring a private detective

When youngsters ask me for career advice, I tell them to drop whatever they're doing and become private detectives. They'd never run out of clients, especially if they specialize in marriage-related investigations (MRIs).

While the other kind of MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) helps you find out what's wrong with your body, this kind of MRI helps you find out what's wrong with your spouse.

It's increasingly common, in America and other western countries, for married people to hire private detectives to find out if their spouses are being unfaithful.

Detective: "Yes, Mrs. Spitzer, your husband is definitely cheating on you. I got word that he had booked a room at the Ritz-Carlton, so I rushed over there and, 15 minutes later, an attractive young blonde walked out wearing high heels, fishnet stockings and an inviting smile."

Mrs. Spitzer: "What about my husband? When did he leave?"

Detective: "I'm not sure. I went with the blonde into another room. I had to dust her for fingerprints."

In India, people are, seemingly, a little smarter. They hire the private detective BEFORE the wedding. Pre-wedding investigations are so common these days that a man isn't considered an eligible bachelor unless he has several detectives following him around.

Private detectives are usually hired to verify claims made by a prospective bride or groom or their parents. These claims often appear in matrimonial ads, which are sometimes so full of lies and exaggerations, they sound like political speeches. "If you choose me, your life will improve dramatically. Trust me, I am the best man for the job. I will be ready on Day One to satisfy you. I'll balance our budget (I have an MBA from Wharton), I'll improve our healthcare (I have an MD from Harvard) and I'll protect us from anyone who might try to harm us (I have a black belt from Lee's Gym). Forget about the other guys. They aren't as qualified as I am -- and they have too much experience. I've never even looked at a woman. I've been saving myself for you, waiting for you to walk into my life. I'm ready to sweep you off your feet. I'll entrance you like Hrithik Roshan, romance you like Shahrukh Khan, finance you like Mukesh Ambani."

Mumbai students clean up in more ways than one

On several occasions over the last few years, I've wished I had the power to fine people. I've particularly wanted to fine parents who don't bother to buckle their children into car seats, who put them at needless risk. I'd slap them with such a hefty fine, they'd have to take their unopened Miller Lites to a pawn shop.

I've also wanted to fine people who make too much noise when I'm trying to sleep. If I only had that power, there'd be not a single penny in my children's piggy bank.

If I lived in Mumbai, I'd love to do what about 2,000 student volunteers are doing -- fining people for littering. They've been deputized as clean-up marshals and -- here's the best part -- they get to pocket 20 percent of the fines they collect. What a ... well ... fine job.

Mukesh Shah, owner, Mukesh Paper Mart, Andheri (east), came to know of this initiative the hard way. He had been warned several times against dumping scrap and papers outside his shop but, on Sunday, he had to pay the price for his persistent refusal to mend his ways.

Kunal Kulkarni, in his early 20s, turned up at his shop and slapped a fine of Rs 500 for littering. "Please pay the fine," Kunal firmly told Shah.

Initially, Mukesh refused but realised he was in big trouble when Kulkarni was joined by eight other student-volunteers who together flashed their 'Clean-up Marshal' badges. They were backed by security personnel who had been appointed clean-up marshals by the BMC earlier this year. [Link]

Wow, they collect the fine on the spot. What an efficient program! Mukesh Shah will think twice about dumping scrap and papers outside his shop. He'll have to find another place to dump them.

A coconut vendor named Manikkam Nadar was fined for dumping "leftovers" around his stall and, along with Shah, got his photo in the Mumbai Mirror, with his head circled in red. I love this quote from him: "I always keep the place clean, but got caught this time." What an unlucky guy -- the one time he neglected to clean up, the darn marshals showed up.

"We needed to rope in youth for this campaign, as they are the future of this city. They are highly motivated and full of enthusiasm," says R A Rajeev, additional municipal commissioner, who is the brain behind Clean-Up Mumbai Campaign. [Link]

Yeah, I'd be highly motivated and full of enthusiasm too -- if I got to keep 20 percent. But seriously, it sounds like a great way to beautify the city, keep the students occupied and give a little support to whoever sells red ink to the Mumbai Mirror.

Indian woman sets driving record

I would be remiss if I didn't recognize the achievement of my fellow Tamil Nadu native S. Poonkodi, who recently entered the Limca Book of Records, the Indian version of Guinness World Records.

Thirty-eight-year-old S Poonkodi drove a Maruti 800 with 49 persons on board in Tiruchirapalli in Tamil Nadu to enter the Limca Book of Records on Sunday. [Link]

A Maruti 800 normally seats four people, but thanks to Poonkodi, all those people in the photo got a ride. If you look closely, you can almost read their thoughts:

Man in light blue shirt: "This is wonderful. Who needs a bus?"

Man in blue jacket: "A little faster, please. I'm late for the board meeting."

Girl on top: "Get your hand off me, Pervert, or I'll push you off."

“The previous record was held by another person from Tamil Nadu, Giripakry, who drove a car with 42 persons on board in 1995,” said Theerthamalai a.k.a Jet Lee, 31, a karate master who encouraged Poonkodi to break that record. [Link]

Poonkodi absolutely shattered the record, taking it to the next multiple of seven. I'm glad that the record is staying in Tamil Nadu, something for me to brag about when my Punjabi friends are going on and on about Abhinav Bindra. 

Punjabi friend: "Abhinav blah blah blah blah ..."

Me: "S. Poonkodi blah blah blah blah ..."

Friend: "Poonkodi? Who cares about Poonkodi? Bindra won an Olympic gold medal."

Me: "She would have won one too -- if mass transit were an Olympic sport."

Too much curryism in the world

Are you a curryist? Have you ever been accused of curryism? I hope not, because, as the name of this blog indicates, I'm a curry connoisseur. I'm a card-carrying member of the curry club. And I can't stand curryism. I don't care whether it's directed against me or any other of my curry-munching brethren. Curry fumes shoot out of my nostrils when I read stuff like this:

India-West reporter Sunita Sohrabji writes that a housing discrimination lawsuit in California has been settled for $100,000. According to the non-Indian plaintiffs, Indian tenants were allegedly steered away from better apartments because the owner of the Sunnyvale apartment complex felt Indian cooking "stinks up the place." [SAJAForum]

That's curryfying! There's no excuse for such curryism. The judge should have ordered the property owner and manager to take courses in cultural differences and ethnic cooking, and make sure they have mastered the curryculum.

Curryism is a major problem in the world. Too many people are getting a little curried away.

I just bought a house from a Chinese lady. My neighbour is an Indian and she is very friendly.
I didn't know she likes to cook potent curry till I moved in. Every morning when I wake up, I open the window to nice greenery and sunshine, and when I take a deep breath, I smell nothing but potent oily curry smell. I spend like 50k renovating my new house and now I having second thoughts about staying there. Help! How can I prevent the curry smell from my neighbour from drifting over? [Post by Tommy]

Tommy: "Help! Somebody please help me!"

911 Operator: "What's the trouble?"

Tommy: "It's my neighbor! She's attacking me with curry!"

911 Operator: "Is she pouring it on you? Is it steaming hot?"

Tommy: "No, she's forcing me to smell it. It's oily and potent!"

911 Operator: "I'll send someone right over. ... OPC attack at 44 Broadway! OPC attack at 44 Broadway!"

Ambulance driver: "Another OPC attack!"

Paramedic: "It's crazy, isn't it? We really need to do something about these oily potent curries."

Tommy: "Please hurry! I'm dying of curry!"

Photo by phdstudent

Which country should be No. 1 on the medal table?

In a post titled "Only in America," Angry African writes about the Olympic medal table and how the U.S. is No. 1 in tables that appear in the American media (See Yahoo! Sports table), while China is No. 1 in tables that appear elsewhere (See BBC table).

You know what system they use in the rest of the world for the official Olympic ranking system? The country with the most gold medals is on top and the little country with the least is right down there at the bottom. Makes sense. Right? Oh? Not here though. Over here they have America on top. They are way behind the Chinese when it comes to gold medals but that doesn’t matter. They argue that they have more of the other medals so they should be on top. [Link]

So which of the two tables is more accurate? Both of them have flaws, in my opinion. That's why I've developed a medal table that removes any bias and truly shows which country is No. 1 at the Olympics.

India wins medals in boxing and wrestling, no kidding

V. Balakrishnan, the journalism student at Columbia University in New York, was all smiles as he sat down to lunch with his friend Bobby Johnson. So excited was he that he began talking before putting anything in his mouth.

Balakrishnan: "Did you hear? India has won two more medals!"

Johnson: "Yeah, I heard. It was on CNN. Breaking News. They interrupted a debate on whether Barack Obama will choose Deepak Chopra as his running mate."

Balakrishnan: "Really?"

Johnson: "Of course not, you idiot. Do you really think CNN cares how many medals India wins?"

Balakrishnan: "Well, it's pretty big news, man. It's the first time India has won three medals at a single Olympics. It's also the first time we've medaled in boxing. We've meddled before, but not medaled."

Johnson: "Boxing? You're kidding? I thought Indians were ...  you know ..."

Balakrishnan: "Wimps?"

Johnson: "No, not wimps. Just ... you know ... wimpsical."

Balakrishnan: "Wimpsical? Is that a real word?"

Johnson: "I'm not sure. What I mean to say is, I thought Indians were the nonviolent sort. You know, like Gandhi."

Balakrishnan: "Like Gandhi? You thought we were all like Gandhi?"

Johnson: "Well, I've never met an Indian who was really into fighting. Have you ever been in a fight yourself? Have you ever hit anyone?"

Balakrishnan: "No, but I have hit my books really hard. And I've also hit the dance floor, hit the bottle and hit the sack."

Akhil Kumar joins others in "crashing out" of Olympics

Still glowing from Abhinav Bindra's gold medal in shooting, Indian sports fans were stunned to hear that Akhil Kumar had "crashed out" of the Olympics. Journalism student V. Balakrishnan was particularly sullen as he ate lunch with his best friend Bobby Johnson at Columbia University in New York.

Bobby: "Bala, why aren't you smiling anymore? Did you just fill up your car again?"

Balakrishnan: "No, Bob, I just read that Akhil Kumar crashed out of the Olympics."

Bobby: "Crashed out? I didn't know they had auto racing at the Olympics."

Balakrishnan: "He's not an auto racer, Bob. He's a boxer."

Bobby: "Then how did he crash out, Bala? Did someone knock him out of the ring?"

Balakrishnan: "That's Indian journalese, Bob. Our athletes don't merely lose. They crash out. Saina Nehwal crashed out in badminton,  Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi crashed out in tennis, and Neha Aggarwal crashed out in table tennis."

Bobby: "Wow, I didn't realize there had been so much 'crashing out' going on? Has anyone been injured? Do they protect themselves with helmets?"

Balakrishnan: "No, they don't need helmets. They're got plenty of experience in crashing out. They're ace crash-outers. It's too bad 'crashing out' isn't a sport of its own. We'd be world champions."

Bobby: "But there'd be plenty of competition from other countries. Many countries aren't even on the medal table."

Balakrishnan: "That's true. I'd hate to see our athletes crashing out of the crash-out competition."

Bobby: "If you're so used to seeing them crash out, why do you look so sad? Isn't it the same old story?"

Balakrishnan: "Yeah, but Abhinav Bindra got my hopes up. He didn't crash out. He won the gold medal. So I thought Akhil Kumar had a chance of not crashing out too, especially since he had just sent world champion Sergey Vodopyanov crashing out."

Bobby: "Okay, enough of this crashing-out talk. I know what will cheer you. Alpha Delta Pi is throwing a big party tonight. You and I can get drunk and forget all about the Olympics."

Balakrishnan: "Alpha Delta Pi? Do we know someone there?"

Bobby: "Don't worry about that, Bala. We'll just do what we usually do: crash."

Column: The shot heard around the world

In case you missed the news, in case you were sleeping under a rock or just got released from Guantanamo, India won its first-ever individual gold medal at the Beijing Olympics, causing 1.1 billion people to jump up and down with joy, touching off a minor earthquake in California and a major interruption in tech support.

Yes, an Indian man won an Olympic gold medal -- and without all his opponents getting injured. Abhinav Bindra, a 25-year-old from Delhi, won first place in the 10m air rifle event, beating 50 other shooters, including that great Albanian marksman Imer Gudschot.

So excited were members of the Indian Olympic Association, so taken in this moment of high-fives and champagne-popping, that some of them checked the official medal table to see if India had moved past America. No such luck, of course, but that didn't stop people from celebrating like it was the greatest Olympic achievement ever. And who can blame them? After all, it was their first individual gold medal since India began competing in the Olympics more than a century ago, back in the days when "catapulting" was an official sport.

"The drought is over!" screamed one newspaper's headline, causing even more celebration across the land, particularly in the farming community.

It was a shining moment for India on the world's greatest sporting stage. As one Indian politician eloquently put it, “Abhinav Bindra has shooted us all into glory!”

Malpractice in medicine and journalism

Dr. Dipak Desai, a wealthy gastroenterologist in Las Vegas, had his medical license suspended in February for allegedly endangering his patients.

Authorities investigating a cluster of hepatitis C cases had observed clinic nurses reusing syringes in a manner that contaminated vials of medication and, they believe, infected patients. This dangerous practice, according to city investigators, was done at the direction of Desai and other administrators.

Desai's medical license has been suspended as authorities continue to investigate eight hepatitis C cases linked to his Shadow Lane and Burnham Avenue clinics. [Link]

If he's guilty, he deserves to be punished severely. But as unfortunate as Desai's alleged malpractice is, so is the hatchet job done by Paul Harasim of the Las Vegas Review-Journal on Desai's hometown of Ahmedabad, with help from an anonymous Indian businessman who grew up in Africa.

"You do have to remember that he came from a city in India, Ahmedabad, that is hell on earth," recalled a California real estate investor who said he attended college and medical school there at the same time as Desai. "Students studied hard to get the hell out of there so they could leave and make their fortune."

The businessman, an Indian who grew up in Africa, said when he and Desai attended Gujarat University in the late 1960s and early 1970s, there was no escaping the unsanitary conditions and corruption.

"You squatted over a hole in the ground when you had to go. There was no tissue so you used a wet hand to clean yourself," he said. "It was disgusting. In a 115-degree heat, you couldn't get away from the smell of human waste."

Bribery was a way of life.

"Just to get on the bus you had to bribe the conductor with extra rupees," he said. "There were always so many people waiting. It got so I'd climb in a window in the back to get on. ... You had to pay someone to get a job." ...

Nearly a quarter of the population, according to United Nations reports, lived in slums so filthy that people washed in streams where excrement and garbage were visible. There was no air-conditioning. Meanwhile, heavy industries and thousands of kerosene-fueled rickshaws belched black smoke into the air, the classmate said.

And without an infrastructure in place to deal with heavy rains, monsoons regularly left water four feet deep in much of the city.

"You had to wade through the water to get where you were going," the former classmate said. "You'd go to school with wet clothes. There would be snakes all over the place. The frogs would croak so loud you had a hard time studying." ...

Desai was able to live at home rather than in college dorms, his former classmate said. He stressed that even if Desai lived in an area where sanitary conditions were the norm rather than the exception, Desai wouldn't have been able to escape the primitive side of Ahmedabad.

"Bugs literally became part of your meals," he said. "Cockroaches and flies were baked into your food. There was no way to avoid it. The government did nothing to kill them." [Link]

Oh my goodness ... using a wet hand ... bribing the bus conductor ... snakes all over the place ... cockroaches and flies baked into your food.

If you're a doctor who grew up in Ahmedabad, please turn in your medical license immediately. How can you even think of being a good doctor when you used a wet hand?

Paul Varghese and the jungles of Africa

Dear Paul,

We enjoyed your recent performance on Last Comic Standing. It was really funny. We've enjoyed several of your previous performances. We think you're one of the funniest comedians alive. That's why we were thrilled when you mentioned the "jungles of Africa" on Last Comic Standing. It was a great moment for our continent, being promoted like that on American TV.

Ever since your performance, we've received thousands of calls from Americans interested in visiting our jungles and meeting Tarzan and Jane. To show you our gratitude, we'd like to invite you to Africa for a special "Jungle Comedy Tour." All the inhabitants of the jungle are eager to eat meet you.

Sincerely,

Michael Tembo

Tourism Coordinator, African Jungles

Discrimination 'not unknown' in India

Whitney Houston, Holly Robinson, Halle Berry ... okay, I admit it. I've always had a thing for black women.  Then again, I've also had a thing for blonde women. And what about Indian women? Some of them are so hot, you can cook chapatis on their chests. (No, in case you're wondering, my wife didn't let me.)

Beauty can be found in every race, every skin color, no matter what you might think from reading People magazine. Unfortunately some people just can't get past skin color. They've been conditioned into believing that light-skinned people are more attractive than dark-skinned people. They'd walk right past Halle Berry to ogle Mick Jagger.

It's a major problem in India, where Fair & Lovely and other skin-lightening creams fly off the shelves faster than toothpaste. (Yes, it's better to be toothless than dark-skinned.) So I shouldn't be surprised that a couple of black cheerleaders from Britain were recently mistreated in India.

Calcutta, May 19: Two cheerleaders from London were asked to leave the ground at Mohali "€œbecause of the colour of their skin"€ by the Preity Zinta-hired event management company, Wizcraft International Entertainment, which handles her team, Kings XI Punjab.

One of the girls, Ellesha Newton, told The Telegraph: "€œIt was okay when we reached the stadium. It was when we were going to take our positions that some of Wizcraft'€™s employees asked us to leave. We were surprised and asked them why and they told us it was because of the colour of our skin."€ [Link]

Wow, not only were they racist, they were blatant about it.

Wizcraft employee: "Sorry, you will have to leave."

Newton: "Why? What's wrong?"

Employee: "You are black. Please leave and don't come back until the Fair & Lovely has worked."

Sherinne, 25, burst out: "€œThis kind of thing has never happened to us before, not in Europe, not here, nowhere."

Ruby Eaton, their fellow cheerleader, said that after the first two matches when they were all packed and ready to fly to the destination for the third they were told their contract had been terminated.

"€œWe found out later that the main reason was we were a mixed group and they did not want coloured people," the 23-year-old Londoner said. [Link]

Perhaps Wizcraft should have put a sign at the airport: "Welcome to India. No dark-skinned people allowed (except for the one billion already here)."

Cricketer Harbhajan Singh was recently accused by the Australians of racial abuse and then let off but discrimination because of caste or the colour of skin is not unknown in India. [Link]

Now there's a newsflash. Not unknown? That's like saying "Shoveling snow to clear walkways is not unknown in Canada." Or "Gazing at Halle Berry photos is not unknown in Melvin's house."

Photo by Rochak Chauhan

A gift you can flush

Of all the wedding gifts a couple receives, there are always a few they’d like to flush down the toilet. A growing number of couples in India are flushing their gifts, but not to get rid of them.

PUNE: What qualifies as the perfect marriage gift? Jewellery, dress, diamonds or a luxurious car? None of the above, feels Savitri Mane, who has decided to give her niece the most 'precious' gift of all — a portable toilet.

Katraj-resident Savitri's niece Raksha is marrying a youth from Bhor this week. When Raksha's parents noticed that the groom's house does not have a toilet, they decided to gift the bride one.

"It has become a trend nowadays to buy portable toilets as gifts. The demand is on the rise this season. Parents, whose daughters are marrying rural youths, have added a portable toilet to their list of gifts offered to the groom," said Ramdas Mane of Mane Industries in Bhosari. His firm has received orders for more than 1,000 toilets in the past few days. "Already, we have provided 2,500 toilets in 200 villages in Pune, Satara and Kolhapur," he said. [Link]

I'm not sure what a "portable toilet" is, but I presume it's one that can be carried easily, one that doesn't take much effort to gift wrap.

Excited bride (unwrapping gift): "A toilet! We got a toilet!"

Groom: "Why are you surprised? Didn't you put it on the bridal registry?"

"Basically, girls from urban areas are not willing to marry into rural families. A girl from the police lines in Pune was married in Sangli and had to suffer a lot because there was no toilet facility," said Pratima Joshi of Shelter Associates. She added that city girls make sure that these basic amenities are available in their in-laws' houses before getting married.

"When my uncle asked about the marriage gift, I suggested a portable toilet. As a new bride I would not be in a position to ask my in-laws to construct a toilet at their place. So, while leaving Pune, I will carry my toilet," said Ekta Tare, who is getting married to a youth from Khatav in Satara. [Link]

It’s a great wedding gift, one that both husband and wife can use for many years to come, as long as their marriage doesn’t go down the … uh … toilet.

Outsourced jobs that make you smoke and drink

Many call-center workers in India serve customers in America and are expected to speak with American accents. That's not a big problem. But once they start talking like Americans, they soon find themselves eating, drinking and gaining weight like Americans. Some of them wake up to find tattoos on their bodies, blonde hair on their heads and guns under their beds. Well, perhaps not all of that is happening. But some of it definitely is, as Laurie Goering writes in the Chicago Tribune.

Indians may have taken over three-quarters of the world's call-center jobs, but they've also taken on the stresses of those jobs: weight gain, depression, boredom and, often, relationship troubles.

Worse, for the legions in India busy helping Americans reboot their hard drives or refinance their mortgages, the problems are often more severe, both because of cultural differences and because the work, by virtue of time differences with the U.S., largely takes place at night.

"There are a lot of pressures on people. The jobs are very stressful and not very creative," said Karuna Baskar, a director of 1to1help.net, a Bangalore-based counseling service that was contracted by 27 mainly information technology and call-center offices in India to work with troubled employees.

As more and more Indians spend their nights drinking too many colas, trying to sound like Americans and dealing with impatient clients on the other end of the phone line, "it's very clearly showing up in health problems and also tiredness and irritability," Baskar said. "At work and with their families, they're more irritable than they should be, and that's affecting their relationships." [Link]

Yes, many young Indians are becoming more irritable. Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are becoming very polite. They're always saying "please" and "thank you," as in "Please may I have my job back" and "Thank you for considering my application."

Other call-center workers end up packing on weight when they trade home-cooked meals with family, still a staple in India, for a diet of fast food, often the only thing available when they arrive home looking for dinner at 3 a.m. or breakfast at 8 p.m. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are eating more home-cooked meals, having moved back in with Mom and Dad. They've got more time to exercise, more time to mow the lawn and wash the car.

In India, drinking, smoking and drug use are still relatively rare, especially among women. But call-center workers are taking up the habits with disturbing zeal, researchers say, either to cope with stress or to project an air of hip modernity.

A study last year in the Indian Journal of Sleep Medicine found that 40 percent of call-center workers surveyed smoked, compared with 7 percent of a control group, and 36 percent had more than two alcoholic drinks a week, against 2 percent of the control group. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs have given up smoking. It's too expensive. They've also stopped drinking, aside from an occasional swig, whenever Dad forgets to lock the liquor cabinet.

Photo by dgrobinson

The rickshaw pullers of Kolkata

The April issue of National Geographic has a nice feature on the rickshaw pullers of Kolkata, including a collection of Ami Vitale's riveting photos on an endangered occupation. I've been on cycle rickshaws before, but never even seen the hand-pulled ones, which seem to belong to a bygone era, when the invention of the wheel transformed the ancient public transportation system, eliminating the need for piggy-back rides.

In the narrow side streets known as the lanes, loud honking is the signal that a taxi or even a small truck is about to round the corner and come barreling down a space not meant for anything wider than a bicycle. But occasionally, during a brief lull in the honking, I’d hear the tinkling of a bell behind me. An American who has watched too many Hallmark Christmas specials might turn around half expecting to see a pair of draft horses pulling a sleigh through snowy woods. But what came into view was a rickshaw. Instead of being pulled by a horse, it was being pulled by a man—usually a skinny, bedraggled, barefoot man who didn’t look quite up to the task. [Link]

They're skinny, bedraggled and barefoot, but undoubtedly possess more strength and endurance than many professional athletes, particularly the ones who hit balls into holes. Looking at Vitale's pictures, I can't help feeling a mixture of awe and sympathy. They work so hard for so little. But they make an honest living and provide a good service. And they're in relatively good health, though one of them did suffer a heart attack recently when a customer gave him a tip.

Termites terminate man's retirement

When you put valuables in a bank's safe deposit boxes, the last thing you expect to hear is that termites attacked them. This is the 21st century after all. We get our cash from machines, we pay our bills online and we see ourselves on TV every time we enter a bank. But not all banks are so advanced. At least one bank in India uses wooden safe deposit boxes, along with a tiny sign that says, "Welcome Termites!"

A trader in the Indian state of Bihar has lost his life savings after termites infesting his bank's safe deposit boxes ate them up.

Dwarika Prasad had deposited currency notes and investment papers worth hundreds of thousands of rupees in a bank safe in the state capital Patna.

The bank says it put up a notice warning customers of the termites.

Mr Prasad says he did not see it in time as he did not go to the bank for months after the notice went up.

Bank officials admit they did not inform the customers individually about the termite problem.

"I'm shattered. I do not know what to do as I had kept the money for my old age," Mr Prasad said.

The trader says he had deposited 450,000 rupees ($11,000) in currency notes, investment papers worth 232,000 rupees ($5,660) and some gold and silver jewellery in a safe deposit box of the government-owned Central Bank of India.

Mr Prasad says that relations with his wife and children were strained and he wanted to put the money in the safe box to keep it safe from them. [Link]

He's an idiot for putting cash in a safe deposit box. Doesn't he know that the safest place to keep your money is under your mattress? That way, you can sleep well at night, knowing that the lump is still there.

But I also blame the bank. They were negligent in three ways: (1) They used wooden safe deposit boxes; (2) they didn't warn customers adequately; and (3) they failed to install mini security cameras to watch for termites.

No matter whom you blame, you've got to feel sorry for Prasad.

Reporter: "Mr. Prasad, what are your plans now? Are you going to be able to retire?"

Prasad: "No, I can't afford to retire. I'm going to start a second career."

Reporter: "A second career? What are you going to do?"

Prasad: "I'm going to be an exterminator."

Reporter: "You're going to kill termites?"

Prasad: "No, bankers."

Tips on doing business in India

The Delaware-based Produce Marketing Association has compiled some information on India to help members who want to conduct business there. It includes some tips that are fairly accurate, but require a little clarification.

It is common to begin meetings with small talk. In India, inquiring about family shows friendliness. Conversations are a way for your India counterparts to get to know and feel comfortable with you. Small talk is also used to help build relationships. Good conversation topics include politics, cricket, films, and Indian Economic Reform. Indian traditions and history are also welcomed topics. Try to avoid discussing Pakistan, poverty in India, and religions.

You may mention Pakistan, but only in the context of cricket and only if India has just beaten Pakistan. If Pakistan has just beaten India (as is often the case), limit your cricket references to statements such as: "I hope a swarm of crickets descend upon Pakistan."

Gift giving is customary in business culture. ... Hindus should not be given gifts made of leather; whereas, Muslims should not be given gifts made of pigskin or alcoholic products.

Gifts made of pigskin should be avoided at all costs. You may also want to avoid giving bottles of pigs' feet. (No matter a person's religion.)

This is a hierarchical culture, so greet the eldest or most senior person first. Also when leaving a group, each person must be bid farewell individually.

If you greet anyone out of order, you must start again from the beginning.

Shaking hands is common, especially in the large cities among the more educated who are accustomed to dealing with westerners.

If someone extends a hand in rural areas, do not try to shake it. Put some money in it.

Business cards are exchanged using your right hand after the initial handshake and greeting. Be sure to present the text facing the recipient. Also receive business cards with the right hand.

Remember: Use your right hand to conduct business and your left hand to do your business.

The word "no" has harsh implications in India. Evasive refusals are more common, and are considered more polite. Never directly refuse an invitation, a vague "I’ll try" is an acceptable refusal.

"I vill try" is even better.

If invited to your Indian counterpart’s home, you should arrive on time and remove your shoes before entering.

Please do not remove anything else. At least not until you get to know your host better.

Photo by jasmined

Pulling the trigger on sterilizations

Men in one Indian district are being offered a loaded weapon if they agree to unload another. Well, sort of.

A scheme that trades one male status symbol for another has achieved a large rise in the number of men undergoing vasectomies in a bandit-ridden region of central India.

Shivpuri district in the state of Madhya Pradesh, an overpopulated area renowned for its machismo culture, has started to offer fast-tracked gun licences for those who agree to be sterilised.

“This is a state with a high number of dacoits [bandits], where people like to keep rifles,” Manish Shrivastav, the administrative chief of Shivpuri and originator of the lateral thinking behind the plan, said.

“It also has a low level of vasectomies because of a perceived notion of manliness. I decided to match that with a bigger symbol of manliness — a gun licence. It has been a success.”

The results are impressive: 139 men have undergone vasectomies in the district since the incentive of a firearms permit was introduced a month ago, compared with only eight in 2007. [Link]

It must have been a tough choice for some men, deciding between the right to bear arms and the right to bear children. "Let me see ... the gun will not take care of me in my old age, but on the other hand, I will very rarely have to wipe its underside."

As population-control strategies go, this one is ingenious. Not only are you getting men sterilized, so they won't increase the population, you're letting them have guns, so they might help decrease it.

Photo by Simonov

Be cautious in India, Richard Gere

Dear Mr. Gere,

It is with great pleasure that I inform you that the Supreme Court of India has suspended the arrest warrants against you in connection with the Shilpa Shetty kiss. You are free to return to India. But as your attorney, I must caution you against doing any of the following:

1. Kissing Shilpa Shetty. The Supreme Court ruling does not mean that you can now kiss Shetty or any other Indian woman in public. It also does not mean that you can kiss any man in public. If any businessman is particularly generous to you or your charitable efforts, please avoid the temptation to kiss his butt. Please do all your kissing in private (and please do not record it and post it on YouTube).

2. Making any statement that indicates that you do not regret the Shilpa Shetty kiss. You must continue to act repentant and remorseful, even if everyone knows that the kiss was enjoyable and one of the highlights of your life.

3. Hugging an Indian woman with your hands around her. This rule applies even if you have no intention of squeezing her butt. If you must hug an Indian woman, try to do it with your hands raised above your head. And do not, under any circumstances, make contact with her breasts.

4. Blowing kisses to your fans. This may have been acceptable in the past, but these days, everything you do will be judged in the context of the Shetty kiss. And to right-wing activists, blowing a kiss may be seen as your way of waving a middle finger at them.

5. Exposing your lips to the public. As long as your lips are exposed, there is a chance that they may come into contact with another person. That's why I recommend that during your next visit to India, for your safety and to appease right-wing activists, you wear a burka in public. A burka would save you a lot of trouble, as long as you resist the temptation to wear an extra-large one and hide Shilpa Shetty inside it.

Venus and Serena Williams in saris

I've always liked Venus and Serena Williams, not just because they're great tennis players, but also because they're usually good sports. If it were possible for the sisters to move up a notch in my book, the photo on the right (from The Hindu, via SAJAforum) did the trick. (Here's another photo.) They wore the saris at a players party on the eve of the Bangalore Open.

The sisters donned the traditional Indian costume - complete with gold earrings and bindis on their foreheads - as they joined fellow competitors at the Southern India bash. While Venus - who has a keen interest in style and trained as a fashion designer - stepped out in a cerulean blue affair, Serena had opted for a striking saffron creation which revealed her uber-toned stomach.

Both colours have a special significance in India, where blue is associated Lord Krishna and represents calm, while saffron orange -- the country's favourite hue -- is considered auspicious as well as sacred. [Link]

An auspicious color indeed. Serena won the tournament, so perhaps we'll be seeing her in saffron orange again.  Unlike her sister, she's open to the idea, as she indicated to Madhavdas Gopalkrishnan.

Madhav: Is this the last time you will be wearing a saree?

Serena: No, not at all. I love India and this is my first time in the country. I hope to come back here a lot more often and wear more beautiful and colourful sarees. [Link]

That may not make everyone in India happy. At least one writer, Kimi Dangor of India Today, didn't care for the sari look.

... although the siblings pack quite a punch on the court, their sari-clad look turned out to be a definite double fault. [Link]

Far be it for me to question Dangor's judgment. I've got a feeling she knows a thing or two about double faults.

More fun with matrimonial ads

Years ago, I looked at Indian matrimonial ads to find a mate. These days, I look at them to find a laugh. Here are some more excerpts from matrimonial ads on the Net:

You’ve just got to know her: “People who know me say that I am cute, way too nice, very sweet, generous, and just a wonderful person overall as people like being around me. For the people who don't know me they would call me as being bitter, sour, rude, shy, stuck up and someone who woke up on the wrong side of the bed. So depending upon how you want to see me I leave that choice up to you.”

She wants something handsome: “My life partner should be educated, smart, god-fearing, away from bad habits like drinking, smoking etc. He must be employed earning handsome salary.”

He’s got something handsome: “I’m mech. engineer working as a govt. employ and earn handsome money. I want a beautiful girl which can cooperate nicely with my family. She should be family girl.”

She’ll be the sole woman in your life: “I am a slim, attractive, shy, sensitive person. Very caring and homely person with a good sense of humour. Have everything in this world except one thing: a sole mate.”

Mad women need not reply: “I would like to meet a very good, kind and gentle woman to spend my life with. She must be willing to become a member of a family and be positive and easy to get along with. If you are mad all the time and unhappy with life, then please leave me alone because I want to enjoy life and be happy.”

Her grandmother is idle: “My father is into commercial photography and my brother is assisting him in the same business, my mother is a typical housewife and manages the same business from home and I have a grandmother who is really too old to do something.”

She’s fairly intelligent: “Myself a God fearing respectful to elders, like to live life the fun way wishing for a relaxed atmosphere. I will call myself down-to-earth types with fair level of intelligentsia.”

He’s basically irresistible: “I am basically a Software Professional. I am presently working in UK for the past 2 yrs. We are basically from Hyderabad.”

Oh my god, you're wanted in court

How powerful are judges in India? So powerful that they can get anyone to appear before them. Well, almost anyone.

A judge in India has summoned two Hindu gods, Ram and Hanuman, to help resolve a property dispute.

Judge Sunil Kumar Singh in the eastern state of Jharkhand has issued adverts in newspapers asking the gods to "appear before the court personally".

The gods have been asked to appear before the court on Tuesday, after the judge said that letters addressed to them had gone unanswered. [Link]

I wonder which newspapers he advertised in. Lord Ram and Hanuman wouldn't read Times of India or Indian Express, but they might read The Hindu. Singh would probably be successful if he used his computer to summon the gods. But the computer might not function without RAM.

Judge Singh presides in a "fast track" court  - designed to resolve disputes quickly - in the city of Dhanbad.

The dispute is now 20 years old and revolves around the ownership of a 1.4 acre plot of land housing two temples.

The deities of Ram and Hanuman, the monkey god, are worshipped at the two temples on the land.

Temple priest Manmohan Pathak claims the land belongs to him. Locals say it belongs to the two deities.

The two sides first went to court in 1987.

A few years ago, the dispute was settled in favour of the locals. Then Mr Pathak challenged the verdict in a fast track court. [Link]

A fast track court? If it's anything like the "fast track" at my local hospital, it's going to take another 20 years.

Judge Singh  sent out two notices to the deities, but they were returned as the addresses were found to be "incomplete".

This prompted him to put out adverts in local newspapers summoning the gods.

"You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are herby directed to appear before the court personally", Judge Singh's notice said. [Link]

Is that any way to speak to gods? More appropriate would be something like this: "You didn't honor us with your presence, perhaps because our address was incomplete and India Post was incompetent. We therefore beseech you to grace the court with your presence, if you are not too busy answering prayers. You may come at any time you wish, as long as it isn't an ungodly hour."

His Indian accent gets him some English money

The Indian accent just doesn't get enough respect in the West. Some people make fun of it, others just don't understand it. A man with a thick Indian accent wouldn't be able to order pizza in America.

Indian man: "I yam vanting a large peeja please."

Waitress: "Picture? We don't have pictures here.'

Man: "No, peeja! I yam vanting peeja!"

Waitress: "Pee jar? Sorry sir, we don't allow that here. You'll have to use the restroom."

The Indian accent is even getting the short end of the stick in India.

LONDON, Nov. 28 An Indian-born British man dismissed from a New Delhi call center for not sounding English enough has won a discrimination lawsuit in England.

Chetankumar Meshram, 27, works for the Talk Talk Direct telecommunications company in Northampton, and last year accepted a two-month transfer to New Delhi to work in the company's call center.

However, just three weeks into the job, he was told his accent "wasn't English enough" and he had to return home, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

"I know I speak with an accent but my job out there was to give technical advice, not to give expertise on how to communicate," said Meshram, who was born in India, and emigrated to England two years ago, the report said. [Link]

I wonder whom he was giving technical advice to. Was it Indians, Britons or Indians pretending to be Britons?

The Bedford Employment Tribunal agreed with his claim he had suffered both direct and indirect discrimination and awarded him $10,000 compensation for hurt feelings and expenses. [Link]

Only ten grand? The man lost his job and had "hurt feelings"! Surely his "hurt feelings" alone are worth 50 grand. And if he's married, his wife probably had "hurt feelings" too. And what about his children? What about his parents? What about his dog? All those "hurt feelings" should add up to a million bucks.

I wonder what he's going to do with the money. I hope he isn't going to use it for "accent-reduction" surgery. Having an Indian accent could be really useful in the future, especially when India starts outsourcing its jobs to the West.

Watch out, the camels are coming!

The UN-African Union peacekeeping force in Sudan's Darfur region is having trouble getting around. They don't have enough jeeps and helicopters, so they're resorting to the next best thing: camels. These are no ordinary camels, of course. These are combat-trained camels.

India's Border Security Force (BSF) said it received a request last week from the United Nations to send the specially schooled animals to the troubled African region. ...

"All our camels are engaged in border-guarding duties and this whole process could take a long time," said BSF spokesman Vijay Singh, adding the agency could currently spare up to 60 of its 700-plus battle-ready animals for Sudan.

Indian border security forces use camels for long-range reconnaissance, including night patrols to track arms and drugs smugglers heading into the western states of Rajasthan and Gujarat from nearby Pakistan. [Link]

Camels are great because not only can they attain speeds of 40 mph, they don't require you to empty your wallet at the gas station.

India and South Africa are the only countries known to use camels for military purposes. [Link]

The United States military has used camels in the past -- and not just the kind you smoke. According to Wikipedia, "The United States Army had an active camel corps stationed in California in the 19th century." But they were apparently too stubborn and aggressive, qualities that are acceptable only in the Commander-in-Chief.

BSF deputy commandant Kamal Kumar Rathore, who heads the force's camel division, said India could purchase the animals from the open market and transport them to Sudan after a crash course in combat.

"There is no dearth of camels and we can make outright purchases, put them through a capsule course of four months and dispatch them to that country," Rathore said. [Link]

UN Peacekeeper: "What happened? Why did our camels crash into each other?"

Second Peacekeeper: "Blame the Indians. They put these animals through a crash course."

He said the camels conscripted into the BSF are trained not to react to gunfire and are taught to crawl and follow other "soldierly movements." [Link]

Soldier: "Let's crawl behind these rocks, so the enemy doesn't see us."

Camel: "Good idea. All they'll see is a big hump sticking out."

"Our camels move up to 80 kilometres (50 miles) with short breaks carrying ammunition and two mounts and they would be perfect.... I would be happy to lead them into Sudan," Rathore said. [Link]

I hope all the historians around the world are paying attention. If they're going to have a chapter in their books entitled "Napoleon leads his soldiers into Russia," they'd better have one entitled "Rathore leads his camels into Sudan."

Photo by FriskoDude

New York City needs more monkeys, India doesn't

There are plenty of monkeys in New York City and many of them happen to be Jets fans. But they're not the type of monkeys you'd want to eat -- if you're into eating them, that is. Monkey meat is a delicacy for some West African people, including a Liberian immigrant named Mamie Manneh, who has been charged with meat smuggling. A mother of nine children, she faces five years in prison, in addition to a two-year sentence she's currently serving for an unrelated offense, and could also be deported.

Manneh testified last year that before arriving in the United States more than 25 years ago, monkey meat was critical to her religious upbringing.

At age 7, "I was baptized and they used that for the baptizing ceremony," she told a judge.

Baptisms, Easter, Christmas, weddings — all are occasions for eating monkey, Manneh's supporters said in a sworn statement filed with the court.

The statement was vague about how the meat is obtained, but explains that it always arrives dried and smoked. Once blessed by a pastor, "we usually prepare it by cooking it for several hours into a stew," they said.

For them, the exotic import is more than just food.

"We eat bushmeat," they said, "for our souls."  [Link]

I've never eaten monkey meat -- my local grocery store doesn't carry it -- but I don't think it's any different from eating other wild animals. If you were raised on monkey, you'd probably get a craving every time you visited the zoo. You'd say to yourself, "The sign says, 'Don't feed the monkeys,' but it doesn't say anything about feeding on them."

You'd probably also wish you could import monkeys from India, where they're causing trouble in some towns and cities, behaving almost as badly as Shiv Sena activists.

Troupes of monkeys are out of control in India's northeast, stealing mobile phones and breaking into homes to steal soft drinks from refrigerators, lawmakers in the region have complained.

"Monkeys are wreaking havoc in my constituency by taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators," Hiren Das told Assam state's assembly Saturday.

He said the primates were "even slapping women who try to chase them". [Link]

They're sipping Coke and slapping women? What are they going to do next -- watch football?

We really need to do something about these male chauvinist monkeys. Exporting them is a possibility, but there's an easier option: inviting Mamie Manneh and her nine children to visit. As she and her friends might say, "If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em."

Photo by davideoneclick

Lose your bride, not your pride

I've got a bald spot that seems to expand with each passing day, but thankfully, it wasn't too prominent when I got married. Prabir Das, of Assam, India, isn't so lucky.

A man was beaten by his fiance and in-laws and relieved of his belongings in India after they found out he was bald and wearing a wig, it was alleged yesterday.

Prabir Das, of Dispur in Assam, told police that his fiancé yanked off his hairpiece after dinner last week and began beating and abusing him for hiding his pate.

Her parents then joined in, ripping his expensive wig apart and relieving the 33-year-old of his wallet, mobile phone, motorbike and driving licence as “penalty” for his deception, he alleged. [Link]

Were these in-laws or outlaws? Ripping his wig is one thing, ripping him off is quite another.

Is wearing a hairpiece really deception? What about having breast implants or false teeth? Perhaps it depends on how permanent they are. Das got himself an expensive wig, but forgot to buy some Super Glue.

Mr Das, who works at a private hospital, had advertised for a bride in the matrimonial columns of a local newspaper – a common practice in India – and Dilip Roy, seeking a match for his daughter Shreshta, responded.

The wedding was fixed for Dec 12, and the bride’s family began putting together Shreshta’s trousseau and dowry at great expense.

But to Mr Das’s eventual humiliation an acquaintance spilled the beans to the stunned Mr Roy.

The superintendent Rajen Singh said Mr Roy had been questioned and denied the fracas. [Link] 

Police: "Mr. Roy, did you have fracas with Mr. Das?"

Roy: "Fracas? No fracas. We had chapati and dal."

The wedding, police said, appears to be off. [Link]

I'd say it's off. And that's a good thing too. Better to be abused by the woman you almost married than the one you did.

Photo by Alexanderthegreatest

The bride wore orange and barked at the groom

Before Aishwarya Rai married fellow Bollywood actor Abhishek Bachchan, she married a tree, following the advice of astrologers and thus avoiding a curse. The groom was covered in bark, but at least "he" didn't bark.  P. Selvakumar, a 33-year-old Indian man, wasn't so lucky.

An Indian man has married a female dog, believing the union will help him atone for stoning two other dogs to death.

P Selvakumar, 33, said he had been cursed since the killings, suffering paralysis and a loss of hearing.

The wedding took place at a Hindu temple in Tamil Nadu state. The "bride" wore an orange sari with a flower garland and was fed a bun to celebrate. [Link]

A bun? What a cheapskate! Is he trying to bring another curse upon him? Surely he could have fed her some Indian sweets, instead of a measly bun. Perhaps he's upset at her. Perhaps he was hoping he would receive some dowry. A few bones or at least a dead rat.

Crowds cheered the newly-weds at the end of the ceremony in Sivaganga district, about 50km (30 miles) east of the city of Madurai.

The "bride", who is called Selvi, was led to the temple in Manamudurai wearing a sari before vows were exchanged in a traditional Hindu ceremony. [Link]

Vows were exchanged? No, those weren't vows. Those were bow-wows.

A relative of the groom who attended the wedding said he hoped Mr Selvakumar would now be cured.

"Fifteen years back Selvakumar was physically fit. But, once he attacked a pair of dogs and thereafter Kumar could not move his limbs freely," the relative, Ramu, told the BBC.

"He tried every cure for his ailment but could not be rid of his disability.

"On the advice of an astrologer and others, he decided to marry a bitch to get cured. Then we arranged Selvakumar's marriage with a bitch." [Link]

If I were Selvakumar, I'd avoid calling my new wife a bitch. I'd avoid saying things like "I can't stand the bitch" or "The bitch refuses to do any cooking" or "The bitch keeps asking me to do it human-style."

You have to wonder what Selvakumar's neighbors are saying.

Neighbor: "Have you seen Selvakumar's new wife? She's a dog."

Neighbor's friend: "That ugly, huh?"

Neighbor: "No, she's a cute dog, actually. This is another case of Beauty and the Beast."

Signs for a safer India

Yes, please drive around them.

Photo by Shira Golding

The British learned from insects too. That's how they ended up with so many colonies.

Photo by Matt Logelin

"This would be a hell of a sign in Australia, mate."

Photo by madhatrk

Beat first, ask questions later

Misunderstandings are the staple of comedies, but they also happen in real life and not always to comedic effect, as this story from Mumbai shows.

So many men travel by the ladies’ compartments in local trains while the Government Railway Police (GRP) look the other way.

But when the GRP did decide to act, the man at the receiving end turned out to be the train’s guard who had come to investigate a chain-pulling incident.

The incident occurred on Sunday night at Vasai. The guard, Mohammad Yasin Sheikh, 40, was badly injured after being beaten up by five GRP personnel. He is being treated at Western Railway’s Jagjivan Ram Hospital at Mumbai Central. [Link]

The policemen obviously didn't follow the GRP's Official Rules of Conduct, specifically Rule 5 in Section 3: Always attempt to identify a lawbreaker before beating him up.

On Sunday, Sheikh was on duty on a Virar-bound local when he noticed a signal that the emergency chain had been pulled by someone in the ladies’ compartment. When the local reached Vasai at 10.39 pm, he got down to investigate.

Sheikh said, “We are supposed to go to the compartment in which the chain was pulled and verify the complaint of the passengers. But as I was getting into the ladies’ compartment, the GRP constable on escort duty objected. Before I could explain, he slapped me. I fell on the platform.”

The GRP man then called a few colleagues from other platforms to help him deal with Sheikh. According to the guard, the five men beat him up without giving him a chance to explain himself. “I tried to reveal my identity but the GRP men did not allow me to speak. They kicked me and hit me with the butt of their guns,” said Sheikh. [Link]

The policemen are in trouble, of course. Not only did they break Rule 5 in Section 3, they also violated Rule 7 in Section 6: Railway personnel must not be beaten up under any circumstances, except with prior approval of the commissioner.  

Photo by Marc van der Chijs

The highly desired profession of rat killer

Ah, government jobs. People will do anything for them. A Mumbai man had been trying to get one for 19 years  -- he even slit his wrists to get attention -- and was finally rewarded recently.

Kishore Bhende, a Ghatkopar resident, received his confirmation letter last week as a permanent employee. Bhende had cleared the written and practical examinations for night rat killers six months back and was appointed as a Night Rat Killer (NRK) in BMC’s pest control department. [Link]

Written and practical examinations for night rat killers? I didn't realize you needed professional qualifications to catch rats. I thought you just needed to set traps, use poison or play a musical pipe.

I wonder what type of questions he had to answer. Where is the best place to look for rats?  (A) In the sewer. (B) Under cars. (C) Inside law offices. (D) On the branches of trees. (D) In the kitchen of fast-food restaurants. (E) At your nearest pet store.

According to pest control officer Deepak Adsul, Bhende got the job on merit. “Looking at his work, he can even be promoted,” Adsul said. [Link]

He does good work. When he brought the rats to us, they were all dead. We are thinking of promoting him to DRK (Distinguished Rat Killer). Of course, he will have to pass more examinations.

Gandhi and the Nobel Prize

As you know, Al Gore has been awarded the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee cited Gore for "his continued efforts to remain at peace with the fact that the American presidency was once stolen from him."

Actually, Gore was cited for his efforts to increase awareness about global warming (he shared the award with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change). In recent years, the Nobel committee seems to have had trouble finding people who have done enough to promote peace, hence such recipients as Muhammad Yunus and Grameen Bank (2006) and Wangari Maathai (2004). Perhaps they need to rename it the Nobel Peace And Other Stuff Prize.

Speaking of the Nobel Peace Prize, Sree Sreenivasan of SAJAForum notes that Mahatma Gandhi never won the Nobel, calling it the "biggest omission in Nobel history." The Nobel site has an article titled "Mahatma Gandhi, the Missing Laureate" that tries to explain the omission.

Gandhi was nominated in 1937, 1938, 1939, 1947 and, finally, a few days before he was murdered in January 1948. The omission has been publicly regretted by later members of the Nobel Committee; when the Dalai Lama was awarded the Peace Prize in 1989, the chairman of the committee said that this was "in part a tribute to the memory of Mahatma Gandhi". ...

During the last months of his life, Gandhi worked hard to end the violence between Hindus and Muslims which followed the partition of India. We know little about the Norwegian Nobel Committee's discussions on Gandhi's candidature in 1948 ... but it seems clear that they seriously considered a posthumous award. When the committee, for formal reasons, ended up not making such an award, they decided to reserve the prize, and then, one year later, not to spend the prize money for 1948 at all. What many thought should have been Mahatma Gandhi's place on the list of Laureates was silently but respectfully left open. [Link]

They seriously considered a posthumous award, but in the end, they decided that it didn't make sense to do that, given the fact that not one of them had a backbone.

Column: The world records that make me proud

Please excuse me while I show a little national pride. It’s not every day that I get to revel in the accomplishments of my countrymen. After all, India has won just three medals in the last six Olympic Games, two bronze and one silver, despite the Indian Olympic Association’s best efforts to find good athletes and lure them to India.

So you can imagine my excitement when Mahdi Habib, a loyal reader from Saudi Arabia, sent me an article about all the Indians who’ve managed to get into the Guinness World Records book. According to the Associated Press article, India holds 219 Guinness records –- and some of them are quite impressive. Radhakant Bajpai, for example, set a record by growing his ear hair 5.19 inches long. When I read about that, I pumped my fist in the air and shouted, “Go India!”

As far as I know, no American or Russian has ever come close to that feat, perhaps because they have other priorities, such as attracting the opposite sex. But I choose to believe that many of them are trying their best to grow their ear hair, applying Rogaine to their lobes morning and night, dreaming of beating the great Radhakant Bajpai and becoming “Ear Hair King of the World.”

Bajpai is quite proud of his hair. If you ask him about it, he’ll give you an earful. "Making it to Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family," he said, according to GuinnessWorldRecords.com. "God has been very kind to me." Unfortunately, God has not been so kind to his two sons, Satyam and Anchal, leaving their disappointed father with no hair apparent.