Nshima & Curry

A gift you can flush

Of all the wedding gifts a couple receives, there are always a few they’d like to flush down the toilet. A growing number of couples in India are flushing their gifts, but not to get rid of them.

PUNE: What qualifies as the perfect marriage gift? Jewellery, dress, diamonds or a luxurious car? None of the above, feels Savitri Mane, who has decided to give her niece the most 'precious' gift of all — a portable toilet.

Katraj-resident Savitri's niece Raksha is marrying a youth from Bhor this week. When Raksha's parents noticed that the groom's house does not have a toilet, they decided to gift the bride one.

"It has become a trend nowadays to buy portable toilets as gifts. The demand is on the rise this season. Parents, whose daughters are marrying rural youths, have added a portable toilet to their list of gifts offered to the groom," said Ramdas Mane of Mane Industries in Bhosari. His firm has received orders for more than 1,000 toilets in the past few days. "Already, we have provided 2,500 toilets in 200 villages in Pune, Satara and Kolhapur," he said. [Link]

I'm not sure what a "portable toilet" is, but I presume it's one that can be carried easily, one that doesn't take much effort to gift wrap.

Excited bride (unwrapping gift): "A toilet! We got a toilet!"

Groom: "Why are you surprised? Didn't you put it on the bridal registry?"

"Basically, girls from urban areas are not willing to marry into rural families. A girl from the police lines in Pune was married in Sangli and had to suffer a lot because there was no toilet facility," said Pratima Joshi of Shelter Associates. She added that city girls make sure that these basic amenities are available in their in-laws' houses before getting married.

"When my uncle asked about the marriage gift, I suggested a portable toilet. As a new bride I would not be in a position to ask my in-laws to construct a toilet at their place. So, while leaving Pune, I will carry my toilet," said Ekta Tare, who is getting married to a youth from Khatav in Satara. [Link]

It’s a great wedding gift, one that both husband and wife can use for many years to come, as long as their marriage doesn’t go down the … uh … toilet.

Outsourced jobs that make you smoke and drink

Many call-center workers in India serve customers in America and are expected to speak with American accents. That's not a big problem. But once they start talking like Americans, they soon find themselves eating, drinking and gaining weight like Americans. Some of them wake up to find tattoos on their bodies, blonde hair on their heads and guns under their beds. Well, perhaps not all of that is happening. But some of it definitely is, as Laurie Goering writes in the Chicago Tribune.

Indians may have taken over three-quarters of the world's call-center jobs, but they've also taken on the stresses of those jobs: weight gain, depression, boredom and, often, relationship troubles.

Worse, for the legions in India busy helping Americans reboot their hard drives or refinance their mortgages, the problems are often more severe, both because of cultural differences and because the work, by virtue of time differences with the U.S., largely takes place at night.

"There are a lot of pressures on people. The jobs are very stressful and not very creative," said Karuna Baskar, a director of 1to1help.net, a Bangalore-based counseling service that was contracted by 27 mainly information technology and call-center offices in India to work with troubled employees.

As more and more Indians spend their nights drinking too many colas, trying to sound like Americans and dealing with impatient clients on the other end of the phone line, "it's very clearly showing up in health problems and also tiredness and irritability," Baskar said. "At work and with their families, they're more irritable than they should be, and that's affecting their relationships." [Link]

Yes, many young Indians are becoming more irritable. Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are becoming very polite. They're always saying "please" and "thank you," as in "Please may I have my job back" and "Thank you for considering my application."

Other call-center workers end up packing on weight when they trade home-cooked meals with family, still a staple in India, for a diet of fast food, often the only thing available when they arrive home looking for dinner at 3 a.m. or breakfast at 8 p.m. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are eating more home-cooked meals, having moved back in with Mom and Dad. They've got more time to exercise, more time to mow the lawn and wash the car.

In India, drinking, smoking and drug use are still relatively rare, especially among women. But call-center workers are taking up the habits with disturbing zeal, researchers say, either to cope with stress or to project an air of hip modernity.

A study last year in the Indian Journal of Sleep Medicine found that 40 percent of call-center workers surveyed smoked, compared with 7 percent of a control group, and 36 percent had more than two alcoholic drinks a week, against 2 percent of the control group. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs have given up smoking. It's too expensive. They've also stopped drinking, aside from an occasional swig, whenever Dad forgets to lock the liquor cabinet.

Photo by dgrobinson

The rickshaw pullers of Kolkata

The April issue of National Geographic has a nice feature on the rickshaw pullers of Kolkata, including a collection of Ami Vitale's riveting photos on an endangered occupation. I've been on cycle rickshaws before, but never even seen the hand-pulled ones, which seem to belong to a bygone era, when the invention of the wheel transformed the ancient public transportation system, eliminating the need for piggy-back rides.

In the narrow side streets known as the lanes, loud honking is the signal that a taxi or even a small truck is about to round the corner and come barreling down a space not meant for anything wider than a bicycle. But occasionally, during a brief lull in the honking, I’d hear the tinkling of a bell behind me. An American who has watched too many Hallmark Christmas specials might turn around half expecting to see a pair of draft horses pulling a sleigh through snowy woods. But what came into view was a rickshaw. Instead of being pulled by a horse, it was being pulled by a man—usually a skinny, bedraggled, barefoot man who didn’t look quite up to the task. [Link]

They're skinny, bedraggled and barefoot, but undoubtedly possess more strength and endurance than many professional athletes, particularly the ones who hit balls into holes. Looking at Vitale's pictures, I can't help feeling a mixture of awe and sympathy. They work so hard for so little. But they make an honest living and provide a good service. And they're in relatively good health, though one of them did suffer a heart attack recently when a customer gave him a tip.

Termites terminate man's retirement

When you put valuables in a bank's safe deposit boxes, the last thing you expect to hear is that termites attacked them. This is the 21st century after all. We get our cash from machines, we pay our bills online and we see ourselves on TV every time we enter a bank. But not all banks are so advanced. At least one bank in India uses wooden safe deposit boxes, along with a tiny sign that says, "Welcome Termites!"

A trader in the Indian state of Bihar has lost his life savings after termites infesting his bank's safe deposit boxes ate them up.

Dwarika Prasad had deposited currency notes and investment papers worth hundreds of thousands of rupees in a bank safe in the state capital Patna.

The bank says it put up a notice warning customers of the termites.

Mr Prasad says he did not see it in time as he did not go to the bank for months after the notice went up.

Bank officials admit they did not inform the customers individually about the termite problem.

"I'm shattered. I do not know what to do as I had kept the money for my old age," Mr Prasad said.

The trader says he had deposited 450,000 rupees ($11,000) in currency notes, investment papers worth 232,000 rupees ($5,660) and some gold and silver jewellery in a safe deposit box of the government-owned Central Bank of India.

Mr Prasad says that relations with his wife and children were strained and he wanted to put the money in the safe box to keep it safe from them. [Link]

He's an idiot for putting cash in a safe deposit box. Doesn't he know that the safest place to keep your money is under your mattress? That way, you can sleep well at night, knowing that the lump is still there.

But I also blame the bank. They were negligent in three ways: (1) They used wooden safe deposit boxes; (2) they didn't warn customers adequately; and (3) they failed to install mini security cameras to watch for termites.

No matter whom you blame, you've got to feel sorry for Prasad.

Reporter: "Mr. Prasad, what are your plans now? Are you going to be able to retire?"

Prasad: "No, I can't afford to retire. I'm going to start a second career."

Reporter: "A second career? What are you going to do?"

Prasad: "I'm going to be an exterminator."

Reporter: "You're going to kill termites?"

Prasad: "No, bankers."

Tips on doing business in India

The Delaware-based Produce Marketing Association has compiled some information on India to help members who want to conduct business there. It includes some tips that are fairly accurate, but require a little clarification.

It is common to begin meetings with small talk. In India, inquiring about family shows friendliness. Conversations are a way for your India counterparts to get to know and feel comfortable with you. Small talk is also used to help build relationships. Good conversation topics include politics, cricket, films, and Indian Economic Reform. Indian traditions and history are also welcomed topics. Try to avoid discussing Pakistan, poverty in India, and religions.

You may mention Pakistan, but only in the context of cricket and only if India has just beaten Pakistan. If Pakistan has just beaten India (as is often the case), limit your cricket references to statements such as: "I hope a swarm of crickets descend upon Pakistan."

Gift giving is customary in business culture. ... Hindus should not be given gifts made of leather; whereas, Muslims should not be given gifts made of pigskin or alcoholic products.

Gifts made of pigskin should be avoided at all costs. You may also want to avoid giving bottles of pigs' feet. (No matter a person's religion.)

This is a hierarchical culture, so greet the eldest or most senior person first. Also when leaving a group, each person must be bid farewell individually.

If you greet anyone out of order, you must start again from the beginning.

Shaking hands is common, especially in the large cities among the more educated who are accustomed to dealing with westerners.

If someone extends a hand in rural areas, do not try to shake it. Put some money in it.

Business cards are exchanged using your right hand after the initial handshake and greeting. Be sure to present the text facing the recipient. Also receive business cards with the right hand.

Remember: Use your right hand to conduct business and your left hand to do your business.

The word "no" has harsh implications in India. Evasive refusals are more common, and are considered more polite. Never directly refuse an invitation, a vague "I’ll try" is an acceptable refusal.

"I vill try" is even better.

If invited to your Indian counterpart’s home, you should arrive on time and remove your shoes before entering.

Please do not remove anything else. At least not until you get to know your host better.

Photo by jasmined

Pulling the trigger on sterilizations

Men in one Indian district are being offered a loaded weapon if they agree to unload another. Well, sort of.

A scheme that trades one male status symbol for another has achieved a large rise in the number of men undergoing vasectomies in a bandit-ridden region of central India.

Shivpuri district in the state of Madhya Pradesh, an overpopulated area renowned for its machismo culture, has started to offer fast-tracked gun licences for those who agree to be sterilised.

“This is a state with a high number of dacoits [bandits], where people like to keep rifles,” Manish Shrivastav, the administrative chief of Shivpuri and originator of the lateral thinking behind the plan, said.

“It also has a low level of vasectomies because of a perceived notion of manliness. I decided to match that with a bigger symbol of manliness — a gun licence. It has been a success.”

The results are impressive: 139 men have undergone vasectomies in the district since the incentive of a firearms permit was introduced a month ago, compared with only eight in 2007. [Link]

It must have been a tough choice for some men, deciding between the right to bear arms and the right to bear children. "Let me see ... the gun will not take care of me in my old age, but on the other hand, I will very rarely have to wipe its underside."

As population-control strategies go, this one is ingenious. Not only are you getting men sterilized, so they won't increase the population, you're letting them have guns, so they might help decrease it.

Photo by Simonov

Be cautious in India, Richard Gere

Dear Mr. Gere,

It is with great pleasure that I inform you that the Supreme Court of India has suspended the arrest warrants against you in connection with the Shilpa Shetty kiss. You are free to return to India. But as your attorney, I must caution you against doing any of the following:

1. Kissing Shilpa Shetty. The Supreme Court ruling does not mean that you can now kiss Shetty or any other Indian woman in public. It also does not mean that you can kiss any man in public. If any businessman is particularly generous to you or your charitable efforts, please avoid the temptation to kiss his butt. Please do all your kissing in private (and please do not record it and post it on YouTube).

2. Making any statement that indicates that you do not regret the Shilpa Shetty kiss. You must continue to act repentant and remorseful, even if everyone knows that the kiss was enjoyable and one of the highlights of your life.

3. Hugging an Indian woman with your hands around her. This rule applies even if you have no intention of squeezing her butt. If you must hug an Indian woman, try to do it with your hands raised above your head. And do not, under any circumstances, make contact with her breasts.

4. Blowing kisses to your fans. This may have been acceptable in the past, but these days, everything you do will be judged in the context of the Shetty kiss. And to right-wing activists, blowing a kiss may be seen as your way of waving a middle finger at them.

5. Exposing your lips to the public. As long as your lips are exposed, there is a chance that they may come into contact with another person. That's why I recommend that during your next visit to India, for your safety and to appease right-wing activists, you wear a burka in public. A burka would save you a lot of trouble, as long as you resist the temptation to wear an extra-large one and hide Shilpa Shetty inside it.

Venus and Serena Williams in saris

I've always liked Venus and Serena Williams, not just because they're great tennis players, but also because they're usually good sports. If it were possible for the sisters to move up a notch in my book, the photo on the right (from The Hindu, via SAJAforum) did the trick. (Here's another photo.) They wore the saris at a players party on the eve of the Bangalore Open.

The sisters donned the traditional Indian costume - complete with gold earrings and bindis on their foreheads - as they joined fellow competitors at the Southern India bash. While Venus - who has a keen interest in style and trained as a fashion designer - stepped out in a cerulean blue affair, Serena had opted for a striking saffron creation which revealed her uber-toned stomach.

Both colours have a special significance in India, where blue is associated Lord Krishna and represents calm, while saffron orange -- the country's favourite hue -- is considered auspicious as well as sacred. [Link]

An auspicious color indeed. Serena won the tournament, so perhaps we'll be seeing her in saffron orange again.  Unlike her sister, she's open to the idea, as she indicated to Madhavdas Gopalkrishnan.

Madhav: Is this the last time you will be wearing a saree?

Serena: No, not at all. I love India and this is my first time in the country. I hope to come back here a lot more often and wear more beautiful and colourful sarees. [Link]

That may not make everyone in India happy. At least one writer, Kimi Dangor of India Today, didn't care for the sari look.

... although the siblings pack quite a punch on the court, their sari-clad look turned out to be a definite double fault. [Link]

Far be it for me to question Dangor's judgment. I've got a feeling she knows a thing or two about double faults.

More fun with matrimonial ads

Years ago, I looked at Indian matrimonial ads to find a mate. These days, I look at them to find a laugh. Here are some more excerpts from matrimonial ads on the Net:

You’ve just got to know her: “People who know me say that I am cute, way too nice, very sweet, generous, and just a wonderful person overall as people like being around me. For the people who don't know me they would call me as being bitter, sour, rude, shy, stuck up and someone who woke up on the wrong side of the bed. So depending upon how you want to see me I leave that choice up to you.”

She wants something handsome: “My life partner should be educated, smart, god-fearing, away from bad habits like drinking, smoking etc. He must be employed earning handsome salary.”

He’s got something handsome: “I’m mech. engineer working as a govt. employ and earn handsome money. I want a beautiful girl which can cooperate nicely with my family. She should be family girl.”

She’ll be the sole woman in your life: “I am a slim, attractive, shy, sensitive person. Very caring and homely person with a good sense of humour. Have everything in this world except one thing: a sole mate.”

Mad women need not reply: “I would like to meet a very good, kind and gentle woman to spend my life with. She must be willing to become a member of a family and be positive and easy to get along with. If you are mad all the time and unhappy with life, then please leave me alone because I want to enjoy life and be happy.”

Her grandmother is idle: “My father is into commercial photography and my brother is assisting him in the same business, my mother is a typical housewife and manages the same business from home and I have a grandmother who is really too old to do something.”

She’s fairly intelligent: “Myself a God fearing respectful to elders, like to live life the fun way wishing for a relaxed atmosphere. I will call myself down-to-earth types with fair level of intelligentsia.”

He’s basically irresistible: “I am basically a Software Professional. I am presently working in UK for the past 2 yrs. We are basically from Hyderabad.”

Oh my god, you're wanted in court

How powerful are judges in India? So powerful that they can get anyone to appear before them. Well, almost anyone.

A judge in India has summoned two Hindu gods, Ram and Hanuman, to help resolve a property dispute.

Judge Sunil Kumar Singh in the eastern state of Jharkhand has issued adverts in newspapers asking the gods to "appear before the court personally".

The gods have been asked to appear before the court on Tuesday, after the judge said that letters addressed to them had gone unanswered. [Link]

I wonder which newspapers he advertised in. Lord Ram and Hanuman wouldn't read Times of India or Indian Express, but they might read The Hindu. Singh would probably be successful if he used his computer to summon the gods. But the computer might not function without RAM.

Judge Singh presides in a "fast track" court  - designed to resolve disputes quickly - in the city of Dhanbad.

The dispute is now 20 years old and revolves around the ownership of a 1.4 acre plot of land housing two temples.

The deities of Ram and Hanuman, the monkey god, are worshipped at the two temples on the land.

Temple priest Manmohan Pathak claims the land belongs to him. Locals say it belongs to the two deities.

The two sides first went to court in 1987.

A few years ago, the dispute was settled in favour of the locals. Then Mr Pathak challenged the verdict in a fast track court. [Link]

A fast track court? If it's anything like the "fast track" at my local hospital, it's going to take another 20 years.

Judge Singh  sent out two notices to the deities, but they were returned as the addresses were found to be "incomplete".

This prompted him to put out adverts in local newspapers summoning the gods.

"You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are herby directed to appear before the court personally", Judge Singh's notice said. [Link]

Is that any way to speak to gods? More appropriate would be something like this: "You didn't honor us with your presence, perhaps because our address was incomplete and India Post was incompetent. We therefore beseech you to grace the court with your presence, if you are not too busy answering prayers. You may come at any time you wish, as long as it isn't an ungodly hour."

His Indian accent gets him some English money

The Indian accent just doesn't get enough respect in the West. Some people make fun of it, others just don't understand it. A man with a thick Indian accent wouldn't be able to order pizza in America.

Indian man: "I yam vanting a large peeja please."

Waitress: "Picture? We don't have pictures here.'

Man: "No, peeja! I yam vanting peeja!"

Waitress: "Pee jar? Sorry sir, we don't allow that here. You'll have to use the restroom."

The Indian accent is even getting the short end of the stick in India.

LONDON, Nov. 28 An Indian-born British man dismissed from a New Delhi call center for not sounding English enough has won a discrimination lawsuit in England.

Chetankumar Meshram, 27, works for the Talk Talk Direct telecommunications company in Northampton, and last year accepted a two-month transfer to New Delhi to work in the company's call center.

However, just three weeks into the job, he was told his accent "wasn't English enough" and he had to return home, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

"I know I speak with an accent but my job out there was to give technical advice, not to give expertise on how to communicate," said Meshram, who was born in India, and emigrated to England two years ago, the report said. [Link]

I wonder whom he was giving technical advice to. Was it Indians, Britons or Indians pretending to be Britons?

The Bedford Employment Tribunal agreed with his claim he had suffered both direct and indirect discrimination and awarded him $10,000 compensation for hurt feelings and expenses. [Link]

Only ten grand? The man lost his job and had "hurt feelings"! Surely his "hurt feelings" alone are worth 50 grand. And if he's married, his wife probably had "hurt feelings" too. And what about his children? What about his parents? What about his dog? All those "hurt feelings" should add up to a million bucks.

I wonder what he's going to do with the money. I hope he isn't going to use it for "accent-reduction" surgery. Having an Indian accent could be really useful in the future, especially when India starts outsourcing its jobs to the West.

Watch out, the camels are coming!

The UN-African Union peacekeeping force in Sudan's Darfur region is having trouble getting around. They don't have enough jeeps and helicopters, so they're resorting to the next best thing: camels. These are no ordinary camels, of course. These are combat-trained camels.

India's Border Security Force (BSF) said it received a request last week from the United Nations to send the specially schooled animals to the troubled African region. ...

"All our camels are engaged in border-guarding duties and this whole process could take a long time," said BSF spokesman Vijay Singh, adding the agency could currently spare up to 60 of its 700-plus battle-ready animals for Sudan.

Indian border security forces use camels for long-range reconnaissance, including night patrols to track arms and drugs smugglers heading into the western states of Rajasthan and Gujarat from nearby Pakistan. [Link]

Camels are great because not only can they attain speeds of 40 mph, they don't require you to empty your wallet at the gas station.

India and South Africa are the only countries known to use camels for military purposes. [Link]

The United States military has used camels in the past -- and not just the kind you smoke. According to Wikipedia, "The United States Army had an active camel corps stationed in California in the 19th century." But they were apparently too stubborn and aggressive, qualities that are acceptable only in the Commander-in-Chief.

BSF deputy commandant Kamal Kumar Rathore, who heads the force's camel division, said India could purchase the animals from the open market and transport them to Sudan after a crash course in combat.

"There is no dearth of camels and we can make outright purchases, put them through a capsule course of four months and dispatch them to that country," Rathore said. [Link]

UN Peacekeeper: "What happened? Why did our camels crash into each other?"

Second Peacekeeper: "Blame the Indians. They put these animals through a crash course."

He said the camels conscripted into the BSF are trained not to react to gunfire and are taught to crawl and follow other "soldierly movements." [Link]

Soldier: "Let's crawl behind these rocks, so the enemy doesn't see us."

Camel: "Good idea. All they'll see is a big hump sticking out."

"Our camels move up to 80 kilometres (50 miles) with short breaks carrying ammunition and two mounts and they would be perfect.... I would be happy to lead them into Sudan," Rathore said. [Link]

I hope all the historians around the world are paying attention. If they're going to have a chapter in their books entitled "Napoleon leads his soldiers into Russia," they'd better have one entitled "Rathore leads his camels into Sudan."

Photo by FriskoDude

New York City needs more monkeys, India doesn't

There are plenty of monkeys in New York City and many of them happen to be Jets fans. But they're not the type of monkeys you'd want to eat -- if you're into eating them, that is. Monkey meat is a delicacy for some West African people, including a Liberian immigrant named Mamie Manneh, who has been charged with meat smuggling. A mother of nine children, she faces five years in prison, in addition to a two-year sentence she's currently serving for an unrelated offense, and could also be deported.

Manneh testified last year that before arriving in the United States more than 25 years ago, monkey meat was critical to her religious upbringing.

At age 7, "I was baptized and they used that for the baptizing ceremony," she told a judge.

Baptisms, Easter, Christmas, weddings — all are occasions for eating monkey, Manneh's supporters said in a sworn statement filed with the court.

The statement was vague about how the meat is obtained, but explains that it always arrives dried and smoked. Once blessed by a pastor, "we usually prepare it by cooking it for several hours into a stew," they said.

For them, the exotic import is more than just food.

"We eat bushmeat," they said, "for our souls."  [Link]

I've never eaten monkey meat -- my local grocery store doesn't carry it -- but I don't think it's any different from eating other wild animals. If you were raised on monkey, you'd probably get a craving every time you visited the zoo. You'd say to yourself, "The sign says, 'Don't feed the monkeys,' but it doesn't say anything about feeding on them."

You'd probably also wish you could import monkeys from India, where they're causing trouble in some towns and cities, behaving almost as badly as Shiv Sena activists.

Troupes of monkeys are out of control in India's northeast, stealing mobile phones and breaking into homes to steal soft drinks from refrigerators, lawmakers in the region have complained.

"Monkeys are wreaking havoc in my constituency by taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators," Hiren Das told Assam state's assembly Saturday.

He said the primates were "even slapping women who try to chase them". [Link]

They're sipping Coke and slapping women? What are they going to do next -- watch football?

We really need to do something about these male chauvinist monkeys. Exporting them is a possibility, but there's an easier option: inviting Mamie Manneh and her nine children to visit. As she and her friends might say, "If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em."

Photo by davideoneclick

Lose your bride, not your pride

I've got a bald spot that seems to expand with each passing day, but thankfully, it wasn't too prominent when I got married. Prabir Das, of Assam, India, isn't so lucky.

A man was beaten by his fiance and in-laws and relieved of his belongings in India after they found out he was bald and wearing a wig, it was alleged yesterday.

Prabir Das, of Dispur in Assam, told police that his fiancé yanked off his hairpiece after dinner last week and began beating and abusing him for hiding his pate.

Her parents then joined in, ripping his expensive wig apart and relieving the 33-year-old of his wallet, mobile phone, motorbike and driving licence as “penalty” for his deception, he alleged. [Link]

Were these in-laws or outlaws? Ripping his wig is one thing, ripping him off is quite another.

Is wearing a hairpiece really deception? What about having breast implants or false teeth? Perhaps it depends on how permanent they are. Das got himself an expensive wig, but forgot to buy some Super Glue.

Mr Das, who works at a private hospital, had advertised for a bride in the matrimonial columns of a local newspaper – a common practice in India – and Dilip Roy, seeking a match for his daughter Shreshta, responded.

The wedding was fixed for Dec 12, and the bride’s family began putting together Shreshta’s trousseau and dowry at great expense.

But to Mr Das’s eventual humiliation an acquaintance spilled the beans to the stunned Mr Roy.

The superintendent Rajen Singh said Mr Roy had been questioned and denied the fracas. [Link] 

Police: "Mr. Roy, did you have fracas with Mr. Das?"

Roy: "Fracas? No fracas. We had chapati and dal."

The wedding, police said, appears to be off. [Link]

I'd say it's off. And that's a good thing too. Better to be abused by the woman you almost married than the one you did.

Photo by Alexanderthegreatest

The bride wore orange and barked at the groom

Before Aishwarya Rai married fellow Bollywood actor Abhishek Bachchan, she married a tree, following the advice of astrologers and thus avoiding a curse. The groom was covered in bark, but at least "he" didn't bark.  P. Selvakumar, a 33-year-old Indian man, wasn't so lucky.

An Indian man has married a female dog, believing the union will help him atone for stoning two other dogs to death.

P Selvakumar, 33, said he had been cursed since the killings, suffering paralysis and a loss of hearing.

The wedding took place at a Hindu temple in Tamil Nadu state. The "bride" wore an orange sari with a flower garland and was fed a bun to celebrate. [Link]

A bun? What a cheapskate! Is he trying to bring another curse upon him? Surely he could have fed her some Indian sweets, instead of a measly bun. Perhaps he's upset at her. Perhaps he was hoping he would receive some dowry. A few bones or at least a dead rat.

Crowds cheered the newly-weds at the end of the ceremony in Sivaganga district, about 50km (30 miles) east of the city of Madurai.

The "bride", who is called Selvi, was led to the temple in Manamudurai wearing a sari before vows were exchanged in a traditional Hindu ceremony. [Link]

Vows were exchanged? No, those weren't vows. Those were bow-wows.

A relative of the groom who attended the wedding said he hoped Mr Selvakumar would now be cured.

"Fifteen years back Selvakumar was physically fit. But, once he attacked a pair of dogs and thereafter Kumar could not move his limbs freely," the relative, Ramu, told the BBC.

"He tried every cure for his ailment but could not be rid of his disability.

"On the advice of an astrologer and others, he decided to marry a bitch to get cured. Then we arranged Selvakumar's marriage with a bitch." [Link]

If I were Selvakumar, I'd avoid calling my new wife a bitch. I'd avoid saying things like "I can't stand the bitch" or "The bitch refuses to do any cooking" or "The bitch keeps asking me to do it human-style."

You have to wonder what Selvakumar's neighbors are saying.

Neighbor: "Have you seen Selvakumar's new wife? She's a dog."

Neighbor's friend: "That ugly, huh?"

Neighbor: "No, she's a cute dog, actually. This is another case of Beauty and the Beast."

Signs for a safer India

Yes, please drive around them.

Photo by Shira Golding

The British learned from insects too. That's how they ended up with so many colonies.

Photo by Matt Logelin

"This would be a hell of a sign in Australia, mate."

Photo by madhatrk

Beat first, ask questions later

Misunderstandings are the staple of comedies, but they also happen in real life and not always to comedic effect, as this story from Mumbai shows.

So many men travel by the ladies’ compartments in local trains while the Government Railway Police (GRP) look the other way.

But when the GRP did decide to act, the man at the receiving end turned out to be the train’s guard who had come to investigate a chain-pulling incident.

The incident occurred on Sunday night at Vasai. The guard, Mohammad Yasin Sheikh, 40, was badly injured after being beaten up by five GRP personnel. He is being treated at Western Railway’s Jagjivan Ram Hospital at Mumbai Central. [Link]

The policemen obviously didn't follow the GRP's Official Rules of Conduct, specifically Rule 5 in Section 3: Always attempt to identify a lawbreaker before beating him up.

On Sunday, Sheikh was on duty on a Virar-bound local when he noticed a signal that the emergency chain had been pulled by someone in the ladies’ compartment. When the local reached Vasai at 10.39 pm, he got down to investigate.

Sheikh said, “We are supposed to go to the compartment in which the chain was pulled and verify the complaint of the passengers. But as I was getting into the ladies’ compartment, the GRP constable on escort duty objected. Before I could explain, he slapped me. I fell on the platform.”

The GRP man then called a few colleagues from other platforms to help him deal with Sheikh. According to the guard, the five men beat him up without giving him a chance to explain himself. “I tried to reveal my identity but the GRP men did not allow me to speak. They kicked me and hit me with the butt of their guns,” said Sheikh. [Link]

The policemen are in trouble, of course. Not only did they break Rule 5 in Section 3, they also violated Rule 7 in Section 6: Railway personnel must not be beaten up under any circumstances, except with prior approval of the commissioner.  

Photo by Marc van der Chijs

The highly desired profession of rat killer

Ah, government jobs. People will do anything for them. A Mumbai man had been trying to get one for 19 years  -- he even slit his wrists to get attention -- and was finally rewarded recently.

Kishore Bhende, a Ghatkopar resident, received his confirmation letter last week as a permanent employee. Bhende had cleared the written and practical examinations for night rat killers six months back and was appointed as a Night Rat Killer (NRK) in BMC’s pest control department. [Link]

Written and practical examinations for night rat killers? I didn't realize you needed professional qualifications to catch rats. I thought you just needed to set traps, use poison or play a musical pipe.

I wonder what type of questions he had to answer. Where is the best place to look for rats?  (A) In the sewer. (B) Under cars. (C) Inside law offices. (D) On the branches of trees. (D) In the kitchen of fast-food restaurants. (E) At your nearest pet store.

According to pest control officer Deepak Adsul, Bhende got the job on merit. “Looking at his work, he can even be promoted,” Adsul said. [Link]

He does good work. When he brought the rats to us, they were all dead. We are thinking of promoting him to DRK (Distinguished Rat Killer). Of course, he will have to pass more examinations.

Gandhi and the Nobel Prize

As you know, Al Gore has been awarded the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee cited Gore for "his continued efforts to remain at peace with the fact that the American presidency was once stolen from him."

Actually, Gore was cited for his efforts to increase awareness about global warming (he shared the award with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change). In recent years, the Nobel committee seems to have had trouble finding people who have done enough to promote peace, hence such recipients as Muhammad Yunus and Grameen Bank (2006) and Wangari Maathai (2004). Perhaps they need to rename it the Nobel Peace And Other Stuff Prize.

Speaking of the Nobel Peace Prize, Sree Sreenivasan of SAJAForum notes that Mahatma Gandhi never won the Nobel, calling it the "biggest omission in Nobel history." The Nobel site has an article titled "Mahatma Gandhi, the Missing Laureate" that tries to explain the omission.

Gandhi was nominated in 1937, 1938, 1939, 1947 and, finally, a few days before he was murdered in January 1948. The omission has been publicly regretted by later members of the Nobel Committee; when the Dalai Lama was awarded the Peace Prize in 1989, the chairman of the committee said that this was "in part a tribute to the memory of Mahatma Gandhi". ...

During the last months of his life, Gandhi worked hard to end the violence between Hindus and Muslims which followed the partition of India. We know little about the Norwegian Nobel Committee's discussions on Gandhi's candidature in 1948 ... but it seems clear that they seriously considered a posthumous award. When the committee, for formal reasons, ended up not making such an award, they decided to reserve the prize, and then, one year later, not to spend the prize money for 1948 at all. What many thought should have been Mahatma Gandhi's place on the list of Laureates was silently but respectfully left open. [Link]

They seriously considered a posthumous award, but in the end, they decided that it didn't make sense to do that, given the fact that not one of them had a backbone.

Column: The world records that make me proud

Please excuse me while I show a little national pride. It’s not every day that I get to revel in the accomplishments of my countrymen. After all, India has won just three medals in the last six Olympic Games, two bronze and one silver, despite the Indian Olympic Association’s best efforts to find good athletes and lure them to India.

So you can imagine my excitement when Mahdi Habib, a loyal reader from Saudi Arabia, sent me an article about all the Indians who’ve managed to get into the Guinness World Records book. According to the Associated Press article, India holds 219 Guinness records –- and some of them are quite impressive. Radhakant Bajpai, for example, set a record by growing his ear hair 5.19 inches long. When I read about that, I pumped my fist in the air and shouted, “Go India!”

As far as I know, no American or Russian has ever come close to that feat, perhaps because they have other priorities, such as attracting the opposite sex. But I choose to believe that many of them are trying their best to grow their ear hair, applying Rogaine to their lobes morning and night, dreaming of beating the great Radhakant Bajpai and becoming “Ear Hair King of the World.”

Bajpai is quite proud of his hair. If you ask him about it, he’ll give you an earful. "Making it to Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family," he said, according to GuinnessWorldRecords.com. "God has been very kind to me." Unfortunately, God has not been so kind to his two sons, Satyam and Anchal, leaving their disappointed father with no hair apparent.

Riding a train in Mumbai

I've never traveled by train in Mumbai, India -- all my train trips have been in the south -- but if I ever did, my only chance of getting on the train would be to wear a sari and sneak into the ladies' compartment. Of course, Mumbaikars (or is it Mumbaites?) are used to this, just as New York City drivers are used to people showing them the finger -- and not just Jets fans claiming their team is No. 1. Mumbaikars take it in stride and focus on the positives.

Can't get a seat in the compartment? No problem, I'll just stand in the aisle. I feel like stretching my legs anyway.

Can't get into the aisle? No problem, I'll just stand in the doorway. I'll get more fresh air this way.

Can't get two feet in the doorway? No problem, I'll just put one foot there and hold on tightly. It'll be easier for me to get off.

Can't get one foot in the doorway? No problem, I'll just hold on tightly, suspended in the air. This is going to make my arms stronger and impress the babes at work.

Neem Active toothpaste, fortified with active bacteria

If you've never tried Neem Active Toothpaste with Calcium from India, well ... don't. At least not until its manufacturer proves to health authorities that it's safe to use. Health Canada has issued two warnings about the toothpaste, the latest one on Aug. 24.

OTTAWA - Further to the Health Canada warning issued July 26, 2007, further testing on Neem Active Toothpaste with Calcium, manufactured by Calcutta Chemical Co. Ltd in India, has revealed that in addition to unacceptable levels of diethylene glycol (DEG), the product also contains high levels of harmful bacteria. This poses additional significant health risks, especially to children and individuals with compromised immune systems. [SAJAForum]

In case you're wondering, "DEG is a poisonous chemical used in antifreeze and as a solvent. It may cause nausea, abdominal pain, dizziness, urinary problems, kidney failure, breathing problems, lethargy, convulsions, coma and even death when ingested." But on the bright side, you won't be worried about cavities.

Indians could say Tata to motorcycles

The cheapest car in the world could soon be rolling off an assembly line in India, satisfying the needs of the country's burgeoning middle class.

The car maker Tata Motors has not divulged many details about the car other than its shockingly low sticker price of 100,000 rupees, or 1 lakh in Indian currency. That's just over £1200, less than half the price of the lowest-priced cars on India's market today. [Link]

Tata spokesman: "We're pleased to announce that we're going to be introducing a one-lakh car."

Reporter: "A one-lakh car? Will it have four wheels?"

Spokesman: "Yes, four wheels and a spare."

Reporter: "What about brakes?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have brakes. Good brakes."

Reporter: "Headlights?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have headlights."

Reporter: "Air-conditioning?"

Spokesman: "It's a one-lakh car, you idiot!"

Stay away from me, honey, we'll get some money

Every now and then, you hear about some new scheme in India to control the population, such as making TVs cheaper so couples have another way to entertain themselves at night and putting a hard-hitting slogan on billboards: "Don't have a son -- have a Sony."

Now comes a scheme in one Maharashtra district that rewards couples who wait a few years before having children. The district health officer, VH Mohite, calls it the "second honeymoon package":

"If the couple postpones the first pregnancy by two years, then the couple will be getting 5,000 rupees ($125, £60) as a cash incentive, or a second honeymoon.

"And if the couple postpones their first pregnancy by three years, then the couple will get 7,500 rupees ($190, £90) as a cash incentive."

It is not just the money.

Couples who enlist in the scheme will also be provided with marriage counselling, free contraceptives and, when the time comes, advice on childcare. [Link]

That's a pretty good incentive. Our daughter Lekha was born 20 months after our wedding. For $125, I could have made it happen four months later. Wait, who am I kidding? I wasn't in control of anything. Things just happened: one moment I was in the living room watching TV while my wife went to the bedroom to slip into something more comfortable, the next moment I was changing a diaper.