FunnyColumns

Fake passports get Jet Airways in trouble

Jet Airways, one of India's largest airlines, has been given a warning: do a better job catching people traveling on fake passports or you might not be able to travel yourself. Travel to Canada, that is.

Agents for Citizenship and Immigration Canada and the Canada Border Service Agency have discovered dozens of Jet Airways passengers arriving at Toronto's Pearson International Airport with fake travel documents in recent months, five sources familiar with the matter told the Star.

After pressure from Canadian officials, Jet has reassigned responsibility for passenger security checks to its security division from its customer service department.

"We want to root out this menace as much as anyone," said Ragini Chopra, a Jet spokesperson. [Link]

Compared to the customer service department, the security division may do a better job of detecting fake passports. But they may also do a better job of detecting money inside them.

In most cases, a person with an extensive international travel history applied for and received a legitimate Canadian visa.

The photo page of their Indian passport was then replaced with a doctored one and used by a different person. [Link]

Whether it's patients or documents, Indians are good at being doctors. Just don't take a closer look at that medical degree.

Yes, Indians are experts at doctoring. How else do you think I'm a citizen of ten countries?

Passengers involved in the scam have applied for refugee status after their arrival in Toronto, and remain in Canada.

Under Canadian immigration law, most people who arrive at a port of entry are entitled to make a claim for refugee status.

Investigators involved in rooting out the scam said reservations for Canadian hotels were made over the Internet and a printout was produced to show border agents in Toronto.

"The hotels were a good tipoff," one immigration investigator told the Star. "The reservations were all at hotels on the airport strip in Mississauga.

"If you're spending all that money to travel around the world and come to Canada in November, why would you book a reservation for two weeks on the airport strip?" [Link]

Well, maybe you got a little excited when you saw the word "strip."

I'm glad that Canada allows such people to apply for refugee status. Better to give everyone a fair hearing than to summarily kick them out. Most commenters on The Toronto Star's website, however, want to see the boot meeting the butt:

No questions asked, send them back.

Without wasting a single moment illegals should be sent back upon their arrival in Canadia. Such individuals also bring a bad name to the people of their own country who are living here by legal means.

And while we're it, we should kick out anyone who doesn't know how to spell 'Canada.'

Marrying for a green card? Don't use Craigslist

How often does someone marry an American to get a green card? Well, about as often as George W. Bush says, "Uh..." But most people go about it fairly discreetly. They profess their undying love to an unsuspecting American or, if they're really desperate, wave hundred dollar notes in front of his/her face at a nightclub. What they don't do is place an ad on Craigslist, as a Russian woman, Yuliya Mikhailovna Kalinina, did.

In late 2005 and early 2006, Kalinina allegedly posted eight advertisements on Craigslist saying she wanted to marry a U.S. citizen solely to obtain permanent resident status, according to federal prosecutors.

Kalinina offered her would-be husbands up to $15,000, prosecutors said. The ads purportedly read: "Green Card Marriage -- Will pay $300/month Total: $15,000" and "This is strictly platonic business offer, sex not involved. NOT required to live together." [Link]

Did she really need to advertise on Craigslist? Couldn't she have just picked up a guy on a downtown street corner? It would have a lot of cheaper. Most guys hanging out on the street corner would marry you for as little as one beer a day. They might not even complain about the "sex not involved" part.

Of course, by advertising online, Kalinina attracted a more refined man. His name was Benjamin Claude Adams and he thought he had won his version of the green card lottery.

Adams responded to Kalinina's advertisements in January 2006 and agreed to enter into the sham marriage, prosecutors said.

One month later, the pair were married in a ceremony performed by Kalinina's live-in boyfriend, Dmitri Chavkerov, an Internet-ordained minister, prosecutors said. Later, Kalinina allegedly leased a new Ford Mustang for Adams. [Link]

Oh, I see what happened: She married him for a green card. He married her for a green car.

I also know what Dmitri was thinking when he agreed to perform the ceremony: "She marry him. She get green card. I marry her. I get green card."

Alas, the plan failed and poor Kalinina and Adams have been sentenced to prison terms of four months and two months respectively.

Kalinina, who faced up to five years in federal prison, could be deported after she is released because she is a convicted felon. [Link]

Don't be surprised if she places another ad on Craigslist: "Green Card Marriage -- Money not involved, just lots of sex. 300 times/month Total: 15,000."

Photo by Elke Sisco

Give him sex, get your green card

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer broke the law and cheated on his wife when he hired a prostitute. But paying for sex -- especially paying $1,000 an hour -- seems a lot more honorable than what another New Yorker has allegedly been doing. Isaac R. Baichu, 46, an immigrant from Guyana, has used his power as an immigration adjudicator to try to coerce at least one woman to have sex with him.

He hinted, she said, at his power to derail her life and deport her relatives, alluding to a brush she had with the law before her marriage. He summoned her to a private meeting. And at noon on Dec. 21, in a parked car on Queens Boulevard, he named his price — not realizing that she was recording everything on the cellphone in her purse.

“I want sex,” he said on the recording. “One or two times. That’s all. You get your green card. You won’t have to see me anymore.” [Link]

I'll never understand how any man can force a woman to have sex with him and actually enjoy it. If you were so desperate for sex, Isaac, why didn't you do what so many other men do -- get yourself a girlfriend, even if yours would undoubtedly be inflatable?

The agent insisted that she had to trust him. “I wouldn’t ask you to do something for me if I can’t do something for you, right?” he said, and reasoned, “Nobody going to help you for nothing,” noting that she had no money. [Link]

Nobody's going to help you for nothing? I don't know about that, Isaac. Your fellow Guyanese immigrant, Veeramuthu Kalimuthu, just saved a man's life for nothing. He's a true hero. I'm sure you've come across a hero or two in your time, even if it was just at the sandwich shop.

He described himself as the single father of a 10-year-old daughter, telling her, “I need love, too,” and predicting, “You will get to like me because I’m a nice guy.” [Link]

You've got to give him credit. He has really boosted the reputation of men, because if he qualifies as a nice guy, most of us qualify for sainthood.

A country that's teeming with immigrants

Here's a multiple-choice question: Which country has the highest proportion of immigrants? (a) America. Everybody wants to come to America, don't they? (b) Canada. Even the Governor General is from Haiti. (c) Australia. Who wouldn't want to live in such a beautiful country? (d) Switzerland. Every immigrant gets a free tote bag.

The answer, of course, is Australia, with Canada coming in second. If you answered "America," you're probably getting your news from Lou Dobbs. But don't feel bad. America does have the highest number of immigrants, but they make up only about 12 percent of the population, compared with 20 percent in Canada. That's right: every fifth person in Canada was born in another country and does not spend every waking moment thinking about ice hockey.

So which is the top country of origin for Canadian immigrants? (a) America. Everybody wants to leave America, don't they? (b) India. Exporting people is the country's most effective population-control strategy. (c) United Kingdom. Beckham moved West, why not the rest? (d) China. Go to Toronto and you'll find that even "Little India" has its own Chinatown.

The answer is United Kingdom, with China coming in second and India third. It's going to be a long time before they take the Queen off Canadian money.

Photo by Phoebe