Nshima & Curry

Michael Jackson was one of a kind

Where were you when you heard the news, when you realized that the world had lost its greatest entertainer? I was in my living room, watching TV, shaking my head and wondering what life would be like without George Carlin.

That was a year ago. I just couldn’t believe the brilliant comedian was gone.

I had the same feeling when I heard that Michael Jackson had died, a feeling that the world had lost a talent it would never see again, at least not for another millennium, when someone develops a time machine.

Jackson was to my generation what Neil Armstrong was to the previous one. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, but until Jackson came along, many of us had never seen the moonwalk.

He was no astronaut, of course, but nobody could rocket up the music charts like him. During his peak, he had more No. 1 singles than anyone else, more hits than the entire lineup of the Chicago Cubs.

He became known as the “King of Pop,” easily outshining all contenders for the title, even that Indian man who had set a world record for bursting balloons.

He gave us an album called "Thriller" –- and what a thrill it was, the best investment a music fan could make, aside from taking Madonna on a date.

His mega-hit “Beat it” soared to No. 1 on several charts around the world, so popular that Ayatollah Khomeini, concerned about the influence of American popular culture, instructed the youths of Iran to stop “beating it.”

Flying much safer than driving

Whenever there's a major plane crash, people get anxious about flying. They postpone their vacations  or try to drive to faraway destinations, overwhelming Yahoo and Google with search terms such as "driving distance from West Virginia to Hawaii."

But here's what everyone needs to know: aviation accidents are extremely rare, even if we include all those accidents we never hear about, such as when the drunk guy pulls a muscle getting off the sink in the washroom.

In fact, flying is MUCH safer than driving. In 2007, for example, air crashes in America killed only 44 people, while car accidents killed about 44,000. It should be obvious to you that if you are traveling by plane, you are one thousand times more likely to arrive at your destination, generally speaking, than your luggage is.

So why are we more likely to panic on a plane than in a car? Here are a few reasons:

1. Someone else is in control -- and we usually haven't met him or her. For all we know, Coco the Chimp might be sitting in the cockpit. Serves us right for flying Air Coco.

2. We're afraid of heights. It doesn't help that the pilot insists on telling us how high we are: "We are now cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet. If you look down to the left, you will see the Rocky Mountains. And on the right, you will see Yao Ming."

3. We are always being reminded what to do in an emergency. "In case of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device, the plastic cups can be used as goggles and the in-flight magazine can be used to beat off sharks."

Imagine how my kids would feel if I made an announcement before every car trip: “Kids, in case I accidentally steer our car into a lake, please calmly remove your seat belts, move quickly to the front of the car and stop your mother from hitting me on the head.”

Tripping out with the kids

If you're planning to drive across the country with children aged 10 or younger, let me give you some advice: go and see a psychiatrist immediately. You need help! With a little therapy or medication, you may be able to control this urge to inflict pain on yourself.

I wish I had seen a psychiatrist before my recent 14-hour drive to Edmonton with my three kids, Lekha, Divya, and Rahul, also known as the PASSENGERS FROM HELL.

The trip was partly for business -- my wife needed to make a presentation at a conference -- and partly for pleasure -- the kids were looking forward to having lots of fun, which is why it wasn’t long after she sat in the car that Divya asked the question, “Are we there yet?”

“Not yet,” Lekha said. “Mommy’s still checking if she turned the stove off.”

Divya paused, waited a little while and asked the question again.

“We’re getting closer,” Lekha said. “I just saw the sign at the end of our street.”

In her defense, I should mention that Divya is only 5 and didn’t really have a concept of where we were going, why we were driving such a long distance to visit some guy named Ed Minton.

Many parents have DVD players in their vehicles, so the kids can watch movies during a long trip, movies that, with any luck, will put them to sleep. We decided not to take a DVD player along, partly because we wanted our kids to do some creative stuff on the trip and partly because, like most good parents, we were suffering from brain damage.

So many ways to prove your manhood

There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to prove his manhood, he needs to show that he’s a “real man” –- or about to become one. For the typical male, this isn’t a one-time act, but something he feels compelled to do every few years, just to reassure himself, just to calm one of his greatest fears –- that his manhood is shrinking.

The first act of proving his manhood usually happens early in life, when he’s still a teen-ager. He looks in the mirror, discovers that he has grown a mustache and, with great pride and excitement, shaves it off and applies aftershave. He purchased the aftershave five years earlier in anticipation of this historic moment. He forgot to buy a razor, but thankfully he has no trouble finding his sister’s.

If he lives in certain parts of the world, this first act may be starkly different. It may involve circumcision, a word that’s derived from Latin and literally means “Ouch! My manhood!” (Trust me, there’s no more painful way of proving your manhood than losing part of it.)

It may involve fighting and defeating a large, ferocious animal –- a lion or bear or professional wrestler. In some African tribes, you aren’t a real man until you’ve gone to the forest and come home with a lion, preferably a dead one. Bringing home a lion is a daunting task, needless to say, especially if you can’t afford the prices set by the local entrepreneur, the one who has a chain of Rent-a-Lion stores.

Report: Obama Approval Rating Shoots Up Again

WASHINGTON D.C. -- After a mere 12 hours in office, President Barack Obama's approval rating shot up from 79 percent to 98 percent.

A CNN/USA TODAY/Gallup poll conducted at midnight on Inauguration Day found that almost all Americans and most Mexicans approved of Obama's performance.

"What's not to like?" said John Whitaker, 79, of Miami. "The man hasn't done anything but smile and wave."

Mary Walters, 28-year-old from Philadelphia, disagreed. "He dances real fine," she said. "I totally approve of his ballroom dancing."

For others, it was Obama's inauguration speech that gave them reason to approve. "I very much approved the speech," said Suresh Gupta, an immigrant from India. "Did you know that he mentioned 'Hindus' in it?"

Carson Williams, editor of Style magazine, said he approved of Obama's suit. "Style is obviously important to him," Williams said. "That's why we're giving him a free subscription."

Some Democrats noted that Obama, in his first 12 hours in office, kept America safe from terrorist attacks. "I approve of that," said Cindy Peters, 45, of Cleveland. "So far, so good."

Others were pleased that he hadn't declared war on any country. "He seems like a man who truly believes in peace," said William James, 60, of Chicago. "Just look at how many hands he shook on his first day in office."

Republicans were just as enthusiastic about Obama's performance. "I didn't vote for him, but I can't help approving of his performance," said Rhonda Graham, 48, of San Francisco. "He didn't just pick Rev. Rick Warren to pray at the inauguration, he even kept his eyes closed during the entire prayer."

Several Mexicans working at a farm near Dallas said they approved of Obama, too. "Very good president," a man named Miguel said.

Asked to explain, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "The speech. The speech, of course. Our boss go to listen to speech and we get to take a break."

Meanwhile, the approval rating of Obama lookalike Ilham Anas of Indonesia rose from 92 percent to 99 percent. Many Indonesians approved of what he did during the first 12 hours: waving, shaking hands and smiling.

"Our Obama was great," said Hamid Yusuf, 24, of Jakarta. "He did almost the same things as their Obama."

Memo to staff: Very important appointment

To: All staff

From: Barack Obama

Subject: Very important appointment

I have made a number of appointments over the last few weeks, but I still have several more to make, including one that's of utmost importance. I want to make sure we get it right. I want to be able to tell the American public that we spent adequate time evaluating the candidates, checking and double-checking their background, using every tool at our disposal to decide who is the most qualified to serve, for the next four years, as the White House dog. 

Americans will be very disappointed if I announce in a few weeks that the dog we selected just didn't pan out, that it wasn't right for the White House, that we had to show it the door. My opponents would pounce on this news, accusing me of failing to keep my campaign promise to minimize job losses. And there would undoubtedly be protests outside the White House, not just from the American Canine Liberties Association (ACLU), but also the Federation of Independent Dog Organizations (FIDO).

It would be a huge disappointment, of course, to my daughters, Malia and Sasha. As you know, they've been asking for a dog for several years and, over the last year or so, I've sort of made it my pet project. I believe that the more methodical we are, the better our chances of selecting the ideal dog, one that will not only bring honor to our family and the White House, but will also represent us well at various dog functions. In a few months, Italy will host the G8 Dog Summit and I don't want to send just any old mutt there.

An exclusive interview with the shoe thrower

His name is Muntazer al-Zaidi and he’s the toast of the Middle East and many other parts of the world. Never before has anyone achieved so much acclaim for throwing a pair of shoes. He threw them at President Bush, of course, an act that he's somewhat embarrassed about, as I learned during an exclusive telephone interview.

Me: "Muntazer, thank you for taking my call."

Muntazer: "I did not know I could take calls. How much are you paying the prison warden?"

Me: "I'm giving him a pair of shoes."

Muntazer: "You can send them to me. I will deliver them for you."

Me: "No, thanks. I saw your last delivery."

Muntazer: "You are right, my friend. It was a bad delivery. A very bad delivery. I'm embarrassed about it."

Me: "People say you are a hero. Do you consider yourself a hero?”

Muntazer: "No, I am not a hero. I missed the target. It was a bad delivery. I should have thrown harder and lower. I did not practice enough."

Me: "You mean you practiced for this?"

Muntazer: "Of course I practiced. I spent many hours at the shoeing range."

Me: "Shoeing range? You mean there's a special place where you can practice throwing shoes?"

Muntazer: "Yes, we have many shoeing ranges here. They provide us with hundreds of shoes, as well as cardboard cutouts of President Bush."

Column: What would you do with a 97-year-old fruitcake?

Around this time of year, Christmas cake or fruitcake can be found in almost every grocery store in North America -- and in many other parts of the world. Some people even go to the trouble of making it at home. "Fruitcake is like no other treat," a 78-year-old Chicago woman said. "I like to serve it to my guests at Christmas. And when they've left, I put it back in the box for next year."

Though I've often made jokes about it, I do buy fruitcake occasionally, especially when I'm trying to get my kids to eat something. "You'd better eat your vegetables," I say, "or I'll make you eat some fruitcake." It works like a charm.

The fruitcake does eventually get eaten. When you're hungry, you can't be too picky. At least that's what I say to the neighbor's dog.

I'm kidding, of course. I don't have to say anything to the dog. Like most dogs, he'll eat just about anything that looks remotely like food, which may explain why there’s a big hole in the fence. It comes in handy, of course. I throw the fruitcake through it. And he throws it back. Then he realizes it might be food, jumps through the hole and takes a bite. Then he pauses, looking at me suspiciously with an expression that says, “Are you sure this is food? It’s soft and chewy, but not quite as tasty as the fence.”

Truth be told, my wife and I do eat some fruitcake ourselves. We like to have it with our tea, whenever we want the kids to give us some time to ourselves. What's great about fruitcake is that it has a long shelf life. The fruitcake we've bought this year will be good until the year 2098. My great-grandchildren would be able to feed it to their dogs.

Column: Let's hope it wasn't India's 9/11

The terrorist attacks on Mumbai have been called "India's 9/11" by a number of media outlets. That scares me. If this was India's 9/11, does that mean that sometime in the future, America is going to have a 11/26? I hope not. I’ve looked at the statistics and, trust me, Americans are quite good at shooting each other. They don't need any help from foreigners.

What scares me even more is the war that might result from India’s 9/11. I mean, haven't the people of Iraq suffered enough? They really don't need another country invading them. It would be a shame if American troops left Iraq in 2009 and Indian troops replaced them in 2010. That might seem like a positive outcome for President Obama, but he’d have trouble convincing Americans that he wasn’t just taking outsourcing to a whole new level.

You might think it's ridiculous to believe that India would invade Iraq. But let’s face facts: Iraq was just as responsible for India's 9/11 as it was for America’s. So don’t be surprised if, sometime in 2011, Indian soldiers do what Americans did several years earlier: pull Saddam Hussein out of a hole and put him on trial. (Chances are, he’ll be a lot more cooperative this time.)

Obama TV: All Obama, all the time

CHICAGO -- Talk show host Oprah Winfrey has announced a new venture for her company, Harpo Studios: Obama TV (OTV).

"Over the last year or so, I've noticed that America just cannot get enough of Barack Obama and his family, so I thought to myself, 'Why not have a 24-hour network that covers everything Obama?'" Winfrey said, speaking at a press conference in Chicago. "It's a historic time in America and many people have told me that they don't want to miss a single moment of it, except of course when the Oprah Winfrey Show is on."

Financial guru Mani Pundit predicted that OTV would turn Winfrey from a mere billionaire into a zillionaire. "It's a brilliant idea," Pundit said. "CNN's ratings shoot up every time they show anything about Obama. Why else would they have 10 analysts debating whether Obama uses Crest or Colgate?"

Harpo released a tentative daytime schedule for OTV, which will promote itself with the slogan "No drama, just Obama."

6 to 7 a.m. -- Fitness with Obama: Get in shape with a series of moves that the president is promoting, including belt-tightening, budget-stretching and figure-massaging. Just an hour a day will do wonders for your fiscal fitness.

7 to 9 a.m. -- Obama Today: A hard-hitting news show that will keep you informed on all the latest Obama news, including when the president woke up and what he had for breakfast. Regular features on the show include "Obama Agenda," "Eloquent Quote of the Day" and "Kenya Relative Report."

9 to 10 a.m. -- Meet the Dress: Fashion experts discuss the latest dress worn by Michelle Obama. Handbags, shoes and other accessories will also be critiqued. Viewers will have the opportunity to call in and suggest what the First Lady should wear the next day.

Oh Mama, it's President Obama!

As the results trickled in, the tears trickled down. Millions of faces glistened with tears on election night. There were tears of joy, as many Americans celebrated Barack Obama's historic victory; tears of sorrow, as many Americans lamented John McCain's loss; tears of gratitude, as many Americans got down on their knees and thanked God that the presidential race was finally over.

"No more negative ads, no more debates, no more promises they can't keep!" screamed a 40-year-old Detroit man, running into the street in jubilation. "And no more red and blue maps on TV!"

For African-Americans, especially those who had lived through the Civil Rights Era, it was a once-in-ten-lifetimes occasion, one that seemed unimaginable just a couple of years ago. "I don't believe it, I just don't believe it," said an 80-year-old Chicago man, rubbing his eyes. "A black man in the White House! And he's not carrying a broom!"

Column: John McCain loses an important constituency

Senator John McCain spent much of the third and final presidential debate insisting that Senator Barack Obama's tax plan, unlike his, would hurt an Ohio man named "Joe the Plumber." But McCain suffered a major setback in his bid for the presidency when, moments after the debate, Joe the Plumber endorsed Obama.

"I don't approve of Senator Obama's tax plan," Joe the Plumber told the New York Times, "but I love the way he talks about it. He just expresses himself so well."

One political analyst called it a fatal blow for McCain's campaign, saying he'd be unable to recover from losing Joe the Plumber's vote. "It's over," proclaimed CNN analyst David Gergen. "It looks like Joe the Plumber has made sure that we'll soon see Joe the Vice President."

A Gallup/USA Today poll, taken right after the debate, found that 53 percent of likely voters plan to cast their ballots for Obama, 41 percent for McCain and the remaining 6 percent for Joe the Plumber. "It's unbelievable," Gergen said. "He's in third place and hasn't spent a dime. He's beating the pants off Ralph Nader."

Column: An elevator ride that's lasted eight years

My wife and I just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and let me tell you, I haven't been this happy since my dentist announced his retirement. We made it past seven years! Our marriage didn't fall victim to the dreaded seven-year itch, which has broken up more relationships than Jack Daniel's and Johnnie Walker combined. (Trust me, it's not a good idea to combine them.)

Some of you, I know, have been married for more than 50 years and are obviously unimpressed. If you're a man, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years is no big deal. I've been married so long, I've spent a total of eight years just waiting for my wife to get out of the bathroom." If you're a woman, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years! That's how long it took my husband to figure out the hooks on my bra."

Well, here's a confession: I'm still trying to figure out a lot of things. For example:

1. When a woman looks at her wardrobe and complains that she has "nothing at all to wear," does she really expect her husband to be concerned about the prospect of her wearing nothing at all?

2. When a woman talks to you during a football game, is it better to just nod your head and pretend you're listening or say something polite such as, "I don't mind if you talk during the game, dear, but please don't expect me to take the cotton balls out of my ears."

3. In which of these situations is it reasonable to say 'no' to a woman? (a) When she asks you to go to a department store to pick up a feminine hygiene product; (b) when she enters a fitting room in a department store and asks you to hold her handbag; or (c) when she enters a fitting room and asks you to pick up a feminine hygiene product while holding her handbag.

Sarah Palin's emails revealed

WASHINGTON - Hackers broke into the Yahoo! e-mail account that Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin used for official business as Alaska's governor, revealing as evidence a few inconsequential personal messages she has received since John McCain selected her as his running mate. -- Associated Press

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Hi Honey,

I know you're very busy today, but I just have an important question: do I put the clothes in first or the detergent first? And is it okay to use the Spray ’n Wash on your Victoria's Secret thong?

Love you more than ice-fishing,

Todd

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Dear Governor Palin,

I know you've been brushing up on your foreign policy, but Senator McCain wanted me to give you a few pointers, so the media doesn’t trip you up.

1. Russia is currently at war with Georgia. Whenever you get an opportunity, please express your solidarity with Governor Sonny Purdue.

2. If someone asks you about your thoughts on Africa, just say "Mugabe" and shake your head.

3. Africa is not a country – it’s a continent. Africa consists of a number of countries, such as South Africa, North Africa and West Africa.

4. People in Iran are known as Iranians, but people in Iraq are not Iraqians. They are “civilian casualties.”

6. People in Thailand speak Thai, but people in Iceland do not speak Ice. They speak Icelandian.

7. The president of Iran is Ahmadinejad. The preferred pronunciation is A-MAD-INJURER.

8. Libya has had only three leaders over the past 40 years: Gaddafi, Khadhafi and Qadhafi. The current leader is Qadhafi. His successor is expected to be Cadarfi.

9. People from Europe are not called Euros. They are called Europeans, a Greek term that, literally translated, means “slave to the Euro.”

10. Israel is our best friend. Please don’t tell Britain.

Hope that helps.

Ross McSwain