Nshima & Curry

Fighting for men's rights -- and wrongs

The annual meeting of the National Organization for Men (NOM) is usually held at Bubba’s Sports Bar in Pineville, Tennessee, but with almost three dozen men attending this year, it had to be moved to a more spacious location down the road: Earl’s Tire Emporium.

Luther Bramley, president of NOM, was about to address the gathering when a bearded man wearing a John Deere cap stood up. “How many women does it take to change a light bulb?” he asked. “Four. The first to read the instructions, the second to hold the step ladder, the third to screw the light bulb in, and the fourth to send out the press release.”

Everyone laughed, except a middle-aged man with long sideburns. “What’s a press release?” he asked.

“I’m not sure, Billy Bob,” the man next to him whispered, “but I think it’s when those reporters in the Middle East get freed from captivity.”

Bramley peered over the large podium, consisting of four Goodyear tires. “You’ll be surprised to know, Earl, that my wife changes light bulbs all by herself,” he said. “She doesn’t even need a step ladder –- just wears a pair of her high-heeled shoes. Women are learning to do all kinds of things these days, even parallel park. That’s why we need this organization –- to protect our rights, to make sure women don’t take over the world. If they start making all the laws, the next thing you know, beer and football will be illegal. And we’ll be put in prison just for leaving the toilet seat up. We need this organization to protect our rights –- and also our wrongs. We’re not as big as the National Organization for Women, but we’re growing so fast, we may need to hire someone to handle our public relations.”

“What’s public relations?” Billy Bob asked.

“I’m not sure,” the man next to him whispered, “but I think it’s when you have relations with the public.”

“You mean like Tiger Woods?”

“Sort of, but with men too.”

“It may surprise you to know that a dozen countries around the world are being ruled by women,” Bramley continued. “Germany, Ireland, the Philippines, Argentina, Bangladesh and Liberia all have women on top.”

“It’s that darn Cosmopolitan magazine,” Earl said. “Ever since my wife started reading it, she wants to be on top too.”

“We managed to dodge a Hillary Clinton presidency,” Bramley said, “but who do you think is second in line to succeed Obama? Yes, you guessed it: Nancy Pelosi. She’s right behind 67-year-old Joe Biden. What do you guys have to say about that?”

“Long live Obama! Long live Obama!” the men chanted.

“Women have been moving up in the business world too,” Bramley said. “You wanna know how many Fortune 1000 companies have women at the top? Almost 30 of them.  For example, Indra Nooyi is CEO of PepsiCo.”

“That’s it,” Earl shouted. “I’m not paying for any more Pepsi.”

“Ilene Gordon is CEO of Corn Products International.”

“That’s it,” Earl shouted. “I’m not paying for any more corn products.”

“Laura Sen is CEO of BJ’s Wholesale Club.”

“That’s it,” Earl shouted. “I’m not paying for any more  ...  uh, never mind.”

“Women are also moving up in the military,” Bramley said. “They’ve become generals, admirals and rear admirals.”

“What’s a rear admiral?” Billy Bob asked.

“I’m not sure,” the man next to him whispered, “but I think it’s someone who admires you from the rear.”

“Women are trying to take over the world and we just can’t let them,” Bramley said. “That’s why this meeting is so important. In a little while, we’ll be splitting up into three sessions. The first session is called ‘How to Assert Your Manhood.’ The second session is called ‘How to Show a Woman Who’s Boss.’ And the third session is called ‘How to Find a Good Hiding Place During ‘That Time of the Month’”

“I’m attending the third session,” Earl said, “And after that, Billy Bob and I are going to hit the town. Beer and wings are half-price at Bubba’s tonight, and we’re going to watch some great fights from the WBF: Women’s Boxing Federation. Who’s going to join us?”

“I’d love to join you,” Bramley said, “but my wife wants me home by 9.”

So many ways to prove your manhood

There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to prove his manhood, he needs to show that he’s a “real man” –- or about to become one. For the typical male, this isn’t a one-time act, but something he feels compelled to do every few years, just to reassure himself, just to calm one of his greatest fears –- that his manhood is shrinking.

The first act of proving his manhood usually happens early in life, when he’s still a teen-ager. He looks in the mirror, discovers that he has grown a mustache and, with great pride and excitement, shaves it off and applies aftershave. He purchased the aftershave five years earlier in anticipation of this historic moment. He forgot to buy a razor, but thankfully he has no trouble finding his sister’s.

If he lives in certain parts of the world, this first act may be starkly different. It may involve circumcision, a word that’s derived from Latin and literally means “Ouch! My manhood!” (Trust me, there’s no more painful way of proving your manhood than losing part of it.)

It may involve fighting and defeating a large, ferocious animal –- a lion or bear or professional wrestler. In some African tribes, you aren’t a real man until you’ve gone to the forest and come home with a lion, preferably a dead one. Bringing home a lion is a daunting task, needless to say, especially if you can’t afford the prices set by the local entrepreneur, the one who has a chain of Rent-a-Lion stores.

Do men talk as much as women?

Research has found that men are just as talkative as women, that it's a myth that for every word that comes out a man's mouth, three come out of a woman's.

A collection of six studies involving nearly 400 people -- most of them U.S. and Mexican psychology students fitted with microphones and recorders for up to 10 days -- found no significant gender difference in the number of words they uttered.
"Both men and women on average spoke about 16,000 words per day," said James W. Pennebaker, professor and chairman of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. [Link]

My wife, Malathi, and I also average about 16,000 words a day. That's a total of 32,000 words -- 28,000 from her mouth, 4,000 from mine. Just ask her. She'll tell you. She'd love to tell you.

When you live with a talkative women, you have to be careful what questions you ask.

Me: "Honey, shall I make some tea?"

Wife: "Sure, but can you make it with Darjeeling tea, not those Lipton bags. I think it tastes better. Did I ever tell you the story of Darjeeling? Darjeeling is in West Bengal. I don't know if you know this, but the name 'Darjeeling' comes from the Tibetan words Dorje, meaning 'thunderbolt,' and ling, meaning 'place,' which translates to 'The land of the thunderbolt.' It was back in 1841 that the British created experimental tea plantations in Darjeeling. Their experiments were successful and ..."

Me: "Uh, honey, maybe I should just make coffee instead."

Wife: "I'd like decaf, please. Did you know that a cup of coffee has 80–140 milligrams of caffeine. Well, it actually depends on the type of bean and method of roasting and preparation. Back in the 9th century, when coffee first appeared ..."

Me: "Juice. I think I'll get us some juice."