Nshima & Curry

Obamas serve samosas at White House

It must have been a slow news day for the Press Trust of India (PTI). Either that or Indians are still deeply in love with Barack Obama and searching desperately for any sign that the feeling is mutual.

Washington: US president Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama served "chicken samosa" among other mouthwatering dishes at a White House reception hosted for ambassadors including Indian envoy Meera Shankar.

Though samosas in India is a vegetarian preparation in the West, it has become one of the most popular Indian snacks and is served with fillings of minced meat.

But the Obamas served samosas with chicken fillings with yogurt dip to his guests in the White House, indicating that the fame of Indian culinary is spreading on the American soil. [Link]

If the Grammar Police came across this article, they'd be filing several charges, perhaps locking up the writer for "assault and battery on the English language." But if they did that, we'd be deprived of these upcoming PTI headlines:

• Obamas Say 'Namaste' to Indian Ambassador

• Obamas Dance to "Jai Ho" at White House Party

• Obamas Watch “Kambakkht Ishq" in White House Theater

• Obamas Perform Yoga on White House Lawn

• Obamas Convert to Hinduism, Millions of Indians Rejoice

Photo by penguincakes

Put down your carrots, I surrender!

Vegetables can protect you -- and not just from diseases. They often protect me from noisy children. If my kids are disturbing me while I'm trying to write, I just grab some brocolli or spinach from the fridge and they're off running.

A 66-year-old Welsh woman named Patricia Scott recently protected herself with carrots. She used them to scare off Kevin Humphrey Jones, 24, who had tried to rob Scott's store.

Prosecutor Tom Morgan Jones said Jones, of no fixed address, went into the shop at the village of Talwrn, last February, wearing a hooded top. He demanded cash from the till.

At first Miss Scott thought he was a local youth playing a joke and told him not to be silly. “The defendant said ‘you are not taking this seriously’,” explained Mr Morgan Jones.

“At that stage he produced a short-bladed knife and pushed that at arms’ length to within about a foot of her face. She was terrified and her heart pounded.”

Miss Scott handed over £40 in £5 notes but Jones wanted more.

However, the brave shopkeeper pelted him with carrots, a roll of Sellotape, and receipt book. [Link]

The receipt book and sellotape were relatively harmless, but the carrots ... well, they're pointy. Don't be surprised if you see these words on the next bag of carrots you buy: "Warning: Carrots can cause serious bodily harm. Please handle with care. Do not throw at innocent people and do not insert in any orifice, except the mouth."

And don't be surprised if you see a bumper sticker that says: "Carrots don't kill people. People kill people."

Jones fled, threatening to get a gun.

He made off at speed in a car driven by a woman but it was followed the short distance to Llangefni by a man who noted the registration.

Defence lawyer Robin Boag said Jones had been involved with drugs since the age of 13. “This case demonstrates the dreadful effects drugs have on lives,” he said. [Link]

Yes, it shows the dreadful effects of drugs, but it also shows the positive effects of vegetables. So on behalf of farmers everywhere, let me say this: Even if you don't like to eat vegetables, make sure you buy them. You never know when you might need them.

Photo by Allert Aalders

Get yourself a bite of raccoon

Raccoons have been known to bite people. Two years ago, for example, a Brooklyn woman was attacked by one. A Pennsylvania woman was also bitten by a raccoon in 2006, as was a student in New Jersey last year. But none of these victims suffered as much as the Russian man who had too much to drink and apparently mistook a raccoon for a ... well ... beaver.

Russian doctors are trying to restore a Moscow man’s manhood after an angry raccoon bit off his penis as he was trying to rape the animal.

Alexander Kirilow told surgeons he thought he’d “have some fun” when he saw the raccoon during a drunken weekend with pals, according to the Sun.

The feisty animal wasn’t going to have any of it and turned on the man, biting off part of his penis in retaliation.

Doctor’s told the 44-year-old they could restore the function of what’s left of his member, but they couldn’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off. [Link]

Penis is apparently a delicacy -- and not just among the Chinese.

You can forgive this raccoon for biting the man -- it was acting in self-defense. The vast majority of raccoons do not bite humans unless provoked. Humans, on the hand, are quite eager to bite raccoons. Some humans, anyway.

Column: What would you do with a 97-year-old fruitcake?

Around this time of year, Christmas cake or fruitcake can be found in almost every grocery store in North America -- and in many other parts of the world. Some people even go to the trouble of making it at home. "Fruitcake is like no other treat," a 78-year-old Chicago woman said. "I like to serve it to my guests at Christmas. And when they've left, I put it back in the box for next year."

Though I've often made jokes about it, I do buy fruitcake occasionally, especially when I'm trying to get my kids to eat something. "You'd better eat your vegetables," I say, "or I'll make you eat some fruitcake." It works like a charm.

The fruitcake does eventually get eaten. When you're hungry, you can't be too picky. At least that's what I say to the neighbor's dog.

I'm kidding, of course. I don't have to say anything to the dog. Like most dogs, he'll eat just about anything that looks remotely like food, which may explain why there’s a big hole in the fence. It comes in handy, of course. I throw the fruitcake through it. And he throws it back. Then he realizes it might be food, jumps through the hole and takes a bite. Then he pauses, looking at me suspiciously with an expression that says, “Are you sure this is food? It’s soft and chewy, but not quite as tasty as the fence.”

Truth be told, my wife and I do eat some fruitcake ourselves. We like to have it with our tea, whenever we want the kids to give us some time to ourselves. What's great about fruitcake is that it has a long shelf life. The fruitcake we've bought this year will be good until the year 2098. My great-grandchildren would be able to feed it to their dogs.

Too much curryism in the world

Are you a curryist? Have you ever been accused of curryism? I hope not, because, as the name of this blog indicates, I'm a curry connoisseur. I'm a card-carrying member of the curry club. And I can't stand curryism. I don't care whether it's directed against me or any other of my curry-munching brethren. Curry fumes shoot out of my nostrils when I read stuff like this:

India-West reporter Sunita Sohrabji writes that a housing discrimination lawsuit in California has been settled for $100,000. According to the non-Indian plaintiffs, Indian tenants were allegedly steered away from better apartments because the owner of the Sunnyvale apartment complex felt Indian cooking "stinks up the place." [SAJAForum]

That's curryfying! There's no excuse for such curryism. The judge should have ordered the property owner and manager to take courses in cultural differences and ethnic cooking, and make sure they have mastered the curryculum.

Curryism is a major problem in the world. Too many people are getting a little curried away.

I just bought a house from a Chinese lady. My neighbour is an Indian and she is very friendly.
I didn't know she likes to cook potent curry till I moved in. Every morning when I wake up, I open the window to nice greenery and sunshine, and when I take a deep breath, I smell nothing but potent oily curry smell. I spend like 50k renovating my new house and now I having second thoughts about staying there. Help! How can I prevent the curry smell from my neighbour from drifting over? [Post by Tommy]

Tommy: "Help! Somebody please help me!"

911 Operator: "What's the trouble?"

Tommy: "It's my neighbor! She's attacking me with curry!"

911 Operator: "Is she pouring it on you? Is it steaming hot?"

Tommy: "No, she's forcing me to smell it. It's oily and potent!"

911 Operator: "I'll send someone right over. ... OPC attack at 44 Broadway! OPC attack at 44 Broadway!"

Ambulance driver: "Another OPC attack!"

Paramedic: "It's crazy, isn't it? We really need to do something about these oily potent curries."

Tommy: "Please hurry! I'm dying of curry!"

Photo by phdstudent

Where's the beef? Not on British Airways

The national dish of Britain is no longer being served on the national airline, at least not in the economy class.

British Airways has taken beef off the menu for economy passengers amid concerns about its "religious restrictions".

The airline has instead switched to a fish pie or chicken dish option for the so-called "cattle class" passengers.

BA's second-biggest long-haul market is to India, where the majority Hindu population do not eat beef because of their beliefs.

The decision to scrap the nation's favourite fare was described as a "great shame" by the English Beef and Lamb Executive, formerly part of the Meat and Livestock Commission.

A spokesman said: "It is regrettable that Britain's flag carrier is not proposing to serve Britain's national dish. ...

A BA spokesman said they stopped serving beef to economy class passengers last month.

He added: "We can only serve two options and beef and pork obviously have religious restrictions.

"We have to try to use two meals which appeal to as many customers as possible. This summer season we are offering customers in World Traveller on most longhaul flights a choice of chicken and tarragon or fish pie. [Link]

Flight attendant: "Would you like chicken or fish, sir?"

Male passenger: "Do you have any beef?"

Flight attendant: "No, not anymore."

Passenger: "Not anymore? What d'ya mean? It's our national dish!"

Flight attendant (whispering): "A lot of people don't eat beef, sir."

Passenger: "It's those darn Hindus, innit? They're the ones who don't eat beef!"

Flight attendant (whispering): "Keep your voice down, sir. There are a lot of ... uh ... Hindus on board."

Hindu passenger sitting nearby: "Yes, keep your voice down, sir. Otherwise we'll complain about the chicken and fish, and, the next time you fly, you'll be eating curd rice and pickle."

Column: Nothing nice about rice price

Rice is extremely popular in our household -- and I'm not talking about Condoleezza. I'm talking about the type of rice that looks warm and elegant at a dinner party.

My wife cooks rice almost every day. And when she isn't cooking rice, she's often making something out of rice, such as dosa and idli. She practically survives on rice. That's why I'm concerned about the rising price of rice, even more than the rising price of gas. I need gas to run my car, it's true, but I need rice to run my wife. Sure, she might operate on wheat or corn for a few weeks. But eventually I'd have to take her to the people mechanic.

Me: "She's been very sluggish lately, ever since I started filling her up with wheat and corn."

Doctor: "You're an idiot! Don't you know that she's got a rice engine?"

Me: "A rice engine?"

Doctor: "Yes, she's highly adapted to using rice as an energy source. Putting wheat and corn in her is like putting beer in your car. Only an idiot would do that."

Me: "Yeah, that's true. Lemonade is cheaper. Will she be all right? Is there any permanent damage?"

Doctor: "I'm not sure. Put her on the jack. I'll take a look under her."

Billions of other people share my wife's affinity for rice -- and that's just in India and China. Many people in Asia eat rice (or a rice product) three times a day. For them, it's not just a staple -- it's the entire stapler.

Cows, pigs, dogs and other livestock

Somewhere on the Internet is a list of tips for westerners traveling to South Korea. And I'm pretty sure the list includes this piece of advice: If you go to an ordinary roadside restaurant, don't expect to be served burgers and fries or other western food. Order hot dog instead.

SEOUL (AFP) - The Seoul city government is seeking to classify man's best friend as livestock in order to set food safety standards for South Korean lovers of dogmeat, officials say.

Somewhere between two and four million dogs are estimated to be consumed in South Korea every year but the slaughtering and processing is carried out in dirty environments and poses a risks to diners' health, they said.

Since dogs are not currently classed as livestock there are no hygiene regulations on their slaughter, officials said.

"Dogs are consumed in their millions in this country every year. That's a fact. We have to take care of this situation," said Lee Hae-Woo, head of the city government's department of food safety.

"We plan to recommend to the central government that dogs are classified as livestock," he told AFP. "This is like a hot potato but we don't pretend the issue does not exist." [Link]

A hot potato? Ah yes, remember back in the 17th century when potatoes were not yet classified as food?

The potato was carried on to Italy and England about 1585, to Belgium and Germany by 1587, to Austria about 1588, and to France around 1600. Wherever the potato was introduced, it was considered weird, poisonous, and downright evil. In France and elsewhere, the potato was accused of causing not only leprosy, but also syphilis, narcosis, scronfula, early death, sterillity, and rampant sexuality, and of destroying the soil where it grew. There was so much opposition to the potato that an edict was made in the town of Besancon, France stating:"In view of the fact that the potato is a pernicious substance whose use can cause leprosy, it is hereby forbidden, under pain of fine, to cultivate it." [Link]          

I don't expect dogmeat to ever be as popular as potatoes, not even if restaurants serve it with ketchup and call it "Man's Best Fried." But some folks might change their attitude if the Dog Producers Association spent a few million bucks on a good advertising campaign and created a catchy slogan, such as: "Dogmeat: Bite it before it bites you."

Perhaps they also need to stop calling it "dogmeat." If cow meat is marketed as beef and pig meat is marketed as pork, it only makes sense for dogmeat to be marketed as dorf. And maybe, just maybe, if the advertising campaign is successful, dorf will be served at the Waldorf.

Chances are, however, dogmeat will never be popular in any country where dogs are widely kept as pets. And that's understandable. But unless you're a vegetarian, you probably shouldn't feel indignant toward any South Koreans, Chinese or others, even if they call themselves dog lovers. It's all what you're used to, really. If I was swimming in the ocean and came across a lobster, no way would I be saying to myself, "Mmmm ... yummy!" No, I'd be saying, "Help! Mummy!"

It's good to be adventurous in your eating habits, because you never know when you might get stuck on some remote island, just you and your faithful dog, Rover.

So if you happen to come across some dogmeat in an Asian restaurant, go ahead and take a small bite. Just a teeny-weeny bite. As people who own chihuahuas and dachshunds will tell you, a little dog never hurt anyone.

Photo by Jutta Hendry

Tossing the food in the trash bin

It never ceases to amaze me how much food is wasted in wealthy countries. The amount of food people leave on their plates in restaurants and cafeterias could probably feed the entire National Football League. Perhaps even Andy Reid.

It's not just customers who toss out food. It's also stores and restaurants. At the grocery store I frequent, at least a tenth of the produce goes to waste, by my estimation. The store does put old produce on a discount shelf, but often too late. Not many customers want to buy a pound of mold, even if it does come with a few strawberries around it. Food is also wasted at the deli. I've seen them toss out a whole pizza because it was sitting around for too long. I wish they'd do the same with some of their employees.

Having lived in developing countries, I'm reluctant to throw out food. I've seen poor people eating whatever they could get their hands on. I've seen poor people going through trash bins for food. So you'll forgive me if I try to finish every morsel on my plate -- and sometimes my children's plates too. If we're at a restaurant, we'll almost always take leftover food home in a "doggy bag," even if I have to bark at the waiter to get one.

I'm glad I don't work for a company that serves food. I'd have trouble throwing it out, especially when it's untouched by a customer. I'd probably end up being fired or suspended, like a certain British Airways steward.

British Airways have suspended a cabin crew steward for eating a muffin that was discarded on a passenger's meal tray, it was reported today.

BA are treating the incident as theft after he was reported at Heathrow airport on Monday.

The man's collegues are furious with the decision, branding the airline 'heavy handed' and accused them of acting like a 'police state'.

One BA worker told The Sun: "The cabin crew member on a long-haul flight took a muffin destined for the bin.

"Now his career hangs in the balance. Everyone is up in arms - it is a disgusting way to treat a member of staff." [Link]

I'm not sure if the steward was really hungry -- or just didn't want the muffin to go to waste. Whatever the case, it shouldn't be a crime, as long as the steward wasn't walking down the aisle, stuffing the muffin in his mouth, dropping crumbs into people's hair.

What's really a crime is that so much food ends up in the trash bin, when there are so many people who would love to have it -- and not just Andy Reid.

Love your enemies -- give 'em fruitcake

This Christmas, treat your enemies well. Give them fruitcake. Trust me, they'll be grateful. They might even give you some prune juice in return. Or perhaps a few bottles of pig's feet.

Almost everybody has enemies. Why else do you think fruitcakes sell so well? The fruitcake industry is thriving, much to the delight of the Georgia Fruit Cake Co. (GFCC). According to owner John Womble, "Our core customer has always been the military." That doesn't surprise me. The U.S. military has always believed in having a variety of ammunition. The good thing about using fruitcake is that some people might think you're being kind.

CNN reporter: "American soldiers gave fruitcake to Iraqi prisoners today, a gesture of goodwill to mark the Christmas season."

Al Jazeera reporter: "American soldiers gave fruitcake to Iraqi prisoners today, an act of torture that violates the Geneva Convention."

I keep a slab of fruitcake under my bed, just in case we have a late-night intruder. It's safer than keeping a gun. And if I happen to get really hungry at night, I can pick up the fruitcake and scare my wife into getting me a snack.

Someday, I'd like to compete in the fruitcake games. (No, they have nothing to do with Jessica Simpson.)  The official name is the Great Fruitcake Toss. It takes place annually in Manitou Springs, Colorado.

The Great Fruitcake Toss began 11 years ago as a Manitou Springs Chamber of Commerce gimmick to pump some life into the post-holiday calendar. It is today a nationally known event - undoubtedly one of the more bizarre spectacles you'll see in the Pikes Peak region - that attracts people from across the state and nation. ...

"I got hit by a fruitcake last year," said Kevin Fleischmann, one of the official measurers of the tosses. "It got me on the second bounce. It hurt for a little while, but I survived." [Link]

Now he's part of a large group of people around the world who consider themselves fruitcake survivors. And you thought Nick Lachey was the only one!

Photo by Admit One

Got a thorn in your side? The milk industry does

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) wants us to stop drinking milk and has been running a campaign that asks: "Got pus? Milk does." A takeoff on the dairy industry's highly effective "Got milk?" slogan, it's probably been making many milk drinkers feel uncomfortable, with some of them saying to themselves, "I hope they don't start charging us more."

PETA, which advocates a dairy-free diet, has plastered the slogan on T-shirts, mugs and other merchandise to draw attention to what it says are dangerous levels of somatic cells — pus — in much of the milk sold in this country. The pus gets there because of an udder infection called mastitis that can infect cows raised for their milk, PETA says.

The California Milk Processor Board, which owns the Got Milk? trademark, has laughed off countless previous knockoffs, from Got Fleas? to Got Freud? The board even has welcomed some as boosting publicity for milk. [Link]

The slogan has been mimicked hundreds, if not thousands, of times. Christian youth groups have used it ("Got Jesus?") and so have preachers ("Got saved?") and televangelists ("Got cash?"). Insurance salesmen have found it handy ("Got coverage?"), as have doctors ("Got pain?") and defense lawyers ("Got busted?"). College students can't manage without it ("Got beer?") and neither can beggars ("Got change?") and iPod users ("Got Sanjaya?"). Even the presidential candidates are using it: Hillary Clinton ("Got any dirt on Obama?"), Rudy Giuliani ("Got tired of me yet?"), and Dennis Kucinich ("Got any idea who I am?")

But the board contends there is no truth to the pus claims and that PETA is violating the campaign's trademark.

"Milk is one of the most regulated, tested and therefore safest products that consumers can buy," said Steve James, the milk board's executive director. "Pasteurization has been required for almost a century in order to remove harmful organisms and bacteria so it's safe for human biology." [Link]

Perhaps the milk board should start its own campaign against PETA: "Got brains?"

Photo by arimoore

New York City needs more monkeys, India doesn't

There are plenty of monkeys in New York City and many of them happen to be Jets fans. But they're not the type of monkeys you'd want to eat -- if you're into eating them, that is. Monkey meat is a delicacy for some West African people, including a Liberian immigrant named Mamie Manneh, who has been charged with meat smuggling. A mother of nine children, she faces five years in prison, in addition to a two-year sentence she's currently serving for an unrelated offense, and could also be deported.

Manneh testified last year that before arriving in the United States more than 25 years ago, monkey meat was critical to her religious upbringing.

At age 7, "I was baptized and they used that for the baptizing ceremony," she told a judge.

Baptisms, Easter, Christmas, weddings — all are occasions for eating monkey, Manneh's supporters said in a sworn statement filed with the court.

The statement was vague about how the meat is obtained, but explains that it always arrives dried and smoked. Once blessed by a pastor, "we usually prepare it by cooking it for several hours into a stew," they said.

For them, the exotic import is more than just food.

"We eat bushmeat," they said, "for our souls."  [Link]

I've never eaten monkey meat -- my local grocery store doesn't carry it -- but I don't think it's any different from eating other wild animals. If you were raised on monkey, you'd probably get a craving every time you visited the zoo. You'd say to yourself, "The sign says, 'Don't feed the monkeys,' but it doesn't say anything about feeding on them."

You'd probably also wish you could import monkeys from India, where they're causing trouble in some towns and cities, behaving almost as badly as Shiv Sena activists.

Troupes of monkeys are out of control in India's northeast, stealing mobile phones and breaking into homes to steal soft drinks from refrigerators, lawmakers in the region have complained.

"Monkeys are wreaking havoc in my constituency by taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators," Hiren Das told Assam state's assembly Saturday.

He said the primates were "even slapping women who try to chase them". [Link]

They're sipping Coke and slapping women? What are they going to do next -- watch football?

We really need to do something about these male chauvinist monkeys. Exporting them is a possibility, but there's an easier option: inviting Mamie Manneh and her nine children to visit. As she and her friends might say, "If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em."

Photo by davideoneclick

What you won't find in a good homecooked meal

A few years ago, while eating at a restaurant, I bit into a sandwich and felt something hard. I opened the sandwich and found a paper clip. The young man who had made my sandwich -- I hesitate to call him a cook -- had no explanation for the mistake. Perhaps he put the clip in there to make sure the lettuce didn't fall out. Perhaps he thought I needed some extra iron in my diet. Or perhaps the restaurant had started buying its meat at Staples.

In any case, he did apologize and made me another sandwich, which I ate with extreme caution. I wasn't too upset, because I knew it could have been worse. A paper clip is rather harmless, unless you swallow it and it fastens your intestine to your gall bladder. (Now you know why I never made it to medical school.) In 2004, an Ohio woman found part of a finger in her salad. In early 2005, an Illinois woman found a Band-Aid in her French fries. A few months later, a North Carolina man found a finger in his chocolate custard. In 2006, a Netherlands woman found a live frog in her salad. And just when you thought you'd heard it all, a British boy has found a tooth in his sausage:

David Walker, ten, was eating dinner with his family when he felt something hard as he chewed.

He spat it out and realised it was a tooth.

His father Andrew, a writer, said: "It was a pretty gross moment. David ran upstairs and cleaned his teeth because he was so upset. Nobody else finished their meal."

Mr Walker, 41, took it to environmental health officials who confirmed that it was a milk tooth. [Link]

Now you know what the tooth fairy does with those teeth -- takes them to the sausage factory.

"If it was a pen or a 50p piece I could perhaps understand that it fell out of a worker's pocket but a tooth is different," he added. [Link]

A milk tooth falling into the meat grinder -- it's yet another reason why we should keep protesting child labor. I'm not saying that's what happened in this case. I'm just saying it's either that or the tooth fairy.  Or perhaps the farmer's pigs got into the trash bin behind the dentist's office.

Lynette Sheffield column: Getting Fruity

Here's a funny column by humorist Lynette Sheffield:

Getting Fruity

While walking through the snack aisle at Costco (And no, it wasn’t like I was going to actually buy anything that would ruin my diet, I was simply looking. Truly.), I saw this product that was called “Fruit Leather.”

I understand that Fruit Leather is a fruit snack.  But I can’t believe that “Fruit Leather” was the name chosen by the company name-choosers. 

I mean, really? 

Fruit Leather was the best you could come up with? 

I can tell you with all sincerity that I have never, not once, looked down at my own shoes and thought, “I wish they were made out of fruit so I could eat them.”   

Maybe I should get out more. Maybe this is a personal expression that is quite common and I am so out of it, I cannot even consider this option. 

I don’t know. 

What I do know is that if something is presented to me to eat and part of the name of that food is leather; I will go hungry.

I’m not a radical vegan, protein disciple or a member of the Carb Police.  I’m just on a lifelong leather-free diet.

Health scare at Calgary McDonald's

If you live in Calgary, you might want to recall which fast-food restaurants you visited in the last month.

Thousands of Calgarians are at risk of contracting hepatitis A after a food-handler at a southeast McDonald's tested positive for the disease.

The Calgary Health Region yesterday confirmed the case of an employee who prepares meals at the fast-food restaurant located in the Foothills Industrial Park, 5326 72 Ave. S.E., across from the Calgary Soccer Centre.

Anyone who ate at this location from Oct. 1 to 23 may be infected, said Dr. Judy MacDonald, the health region's deputy medical officer of health. [Link]

In other words, MacDonald says if you ate at that McDonald's, you might be McScrewed.

Hepatitis A is not a chronic disease and victims usually recover within a month.

Infected people can spread the disease if they don't wash their hands properly after using the washroom, said MacDonald. [Link]

They can also spread the disease by flipping burgers at McDonald's.

Chris Stannell, spokesman for McDonald's in Western Canada, said the restaurant is working closely with the health region to resolve the issue.

"At McDonald's, we take the health and well-being of our customers and staff very seriously," he said. [Link]

Yes, that's why McDonald's works so hard to make sure your burgers and fries are as nutritious and healthful as can be.

According to WebMD, the symptoms of hepatitis A include: Extreme tiredness (fatigue), fever, sore muscles, headache, pain on the right side of the abdomen, nausea, loss of appetite and weight loss, yellowing of the skin and the white part of the eyes, and an obsessive desire to watch ice hockey.

Actually, I made up the last one. It's not a symptom of hepatitis A -- it's a symptom of being Canadian.

Photo by Naystin

Nshima, the underappreciated food

My good friend Heli, a Zambian-American, was kind enough to cook some nshima for lunch during my recent visit to his home in Elizabethtown, Pennsylvania. I had two helpings of nshima, along with some cabbage and chicken curry (pictured), and would have eaten more, had my stomach not started to resemble a beach ball. Nshima is very filling -- it's one of the heaviest foods I know, and if you don't believe me, just try bench-pressing a plateful of nshima.

Nshima is the staple food of Zambia, the country I grew up in. (It's also eaten in surrounding countries, though known by other terms, such as sadza in Zimbabwe and ugali in East Africa.) Zambians are crazy about two things: nshima and soccer (which may explain why they shape nshima into round balls before eating it). As British freelance journalist Jamie Baldwin wrote during a visit to Zambia, "Every Zambian inhabitant eats the stuff, morning, lunch and dinner -- without exception. And they love it, absolutely love it. Starve a Zambian of nshima for more than 12 hours and they break out into cold sweats and delusions."

Nshima is made from corn (or maize) meal, known to Zambians as mealie meal. According to Wikipedia, "The maize flour is first boiled with water into porridge and then skillfully 'paddled', not stirred, to create a thick paste with the addition of more flour. Zambians consider cooking nshima an art form with the aim of achieving the correct texture and taste." I never realized this before, but my friend Heli is a very good nshima artist.

Seniors picket for doughnuts

I'm a couple of decades away from retirement, but I'm already looking forward to it. I can sleep till noon, play bridge and shuffleboard all day, and stuff myself with cake and doughnuts. Well, perhaps not the latter. I'll probably have health concerns that prevent me from eating the good stuff. And even if I don't, I may have to fight for the right to indulge in sugary snacks and desserts, as some seniors in Putnam County, New York, are doing.

It was just another morning at the senior center: Women were sewing, men were playing pool -- and seven demonstrators, average age 76, were picketing outside, demanding doughnuts.

They wore sandwich boards proclaiming, "Give Us Our Just Desserts" and "They're Carbs, Not Contraband."

At issue is a decision to refuse free doughnuts, pies and breads that were being donated to senior centers around Putnam County, north of New York City. Officials were concerned that the county was setting a bad nutritional precedent by providing mounds of doughnuts and other sweets to seniors.

"Lack of respect is what it's all about," said Joe Hajkowski, 75, a former labor union official who organized the demonstration. He said officials had implied that seniors were gorging themselves on jelly doughnuts and were too senile to make the choice for themselves.

C. Michael Sibilia said, "I'm 86, not 8." [Link}

I tend to agree. When it comes to senior citizens and their bodies, I'm pro-choice, not pro-life. They're not trying to kill themselves with cigarettes and booze. They're trying to kill themselves with doughnuts and pies. What's wrong with that?

South Africans united in pigging out

National Barbecue Day -- it sounds like something that would be quite popular in North America. Every holiday, of course, is an excuse to pig out, not just Thanksgiving, but also Christmas, Easter and Fourth of July. The latter could easily be called National Barbecue Day. After all, Fourth of July is all about celebrating freedom, particularly the freedom to stuff yourself. So perhaps South Africa is just trying to accept reality.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu has become the patron of South Africa's Barbecue (Braai) Day, saying the pastime is a unifying force in a divided country.

The Nobel Peace Prize laureate celebrated his appointment by donning an apron and tucking into a sausage outside his office.

"This is something that can unite us. It is so proudly South African, so uniquely South African," he said. [Link]

Food can indeed unite people. If you're serving me a delicious sausage sandwich, I really don't care whether you're black, white, brown, short, tall, fat, thin, gay or heterosexual. Heck, I'd even accept a sandwich from George W. Bush.

Five tips for Chinese restaurants

My wife and I have eaten at dozens of Chinese restaurants. A few were just superb -- great food, great atmosphere, great service -- but most were lacking in one or more areas. We usually leave a decent tip for the waiter or waitress, but what I'd really like to do is leave several tips for the entire staff:

1. If you're waiting on us, we'd really prefer it if you aren't eating at the same time at a nearby table. We know you're hungry too, but could you get someone else to wait on us, someone who doesn't have to finish chewing quickly whenever we need something?

2. We know English isn't your first language, but we'd really appreciate it if you could get someone to proofread the menus, perhaps a student from the local school who made it past the first round of the spelling bee. That way, we won't be confused by items like "brockoli and aspire gas" and "sweet and shower pork." (Please ignore this tip if all you're trying to do is give us a little entertainment.)

3. We're glad you get along well with your co-workers, but our idea of a good time isn't listening to loud conversations between you and the dishwasher. If you must do it, please do it in English, so we don't have to wonder what you're saying about us. "Look at him! He stir coffee with chop stick!"

4. We know you have to keep busy -- you can't just stand beside our table and watch us trying to decipher the menu. It's perfectly okay with us if you sort silverware or refill the salt shakers, but we'd be extremely grateful if you didn't sit at the next table and chop beef. It just isn't very appetizing, even if you're careful to wipe your hands on your apron before bringing us the "sweet and shower pork."

5. We're from India. When we say we like our food spicy, we mean that we'd like our tongues to be on fire. "Mild" and "medium" just don't cut it. There's got to be a fire somewhere. If you can't set our tongues on fire, then at least fire the cook.

The benefits of eating a guava

Growing up in Zambia, I ate tons of guavas. Guava trees were seemingly everywhere and I'd often eat the fruit right off the tree, then spend the next hour or so picking the seeds out of my teeth. Some guavas were overripe and I had to be careful not to chomp on them too quickly, lest I get some extra protein in the form of worms. But most were tasty, nutritious and worm-free.

Unfortunately, guavas aren't popular in North America, except among immigrants. If you find them in a grocery store, it's probably an ethnic one, a Chinese or Indian store where you might find them labeled as "Gwawas."

But guavas might be gaining some respect, at least in health circles. An article from Men's Health magazine lists the "obscure tropical fruit" as one of "The 10 best foods you aren't eating."

Why it's healthy: Guava has a higher concentration of lycopene--an antioxidant that fights prostate cancer--than any other plant food, including tomatoes and watermelon. In addition, 1 cup of the stuff provides 688 milligrams (mg) of potassium, which is 63 percent more than you'll find in a medium banana. And guava may be the ultimate high-fiber food: There's almost 9 grams (g) of fiber in every cup. [Link]

I knew it! As I always said to the other kids in Zambia, "Guavas are loaded with lycopene!"

How to eat it: Down the entire fruit, from the rind to the seeds. It's all edible--and nutritious. The rind alone has more vitamin C than you'd find in the flesh of an orange. You can score guava in the produce section of higher-end supermarkets or in Latin grocery stores. [Link]

Latin grocery stores? I'm going to have to brush up on my Latin. I'll do anything to score some guava.

Flatulence and other struggles of a soldier

Being a soldier isn't easy. You have to face bombs and bullets. And even when you're not in combat, danger lurks nearby, ready to pounce on you whenever you open a package of military food.

American soldiers often have to endure Meals, Ready-to-Eat (MREs), packages of food that are made to last three years and don't require much preparation. According to The Smoking Gun, soldiers will be treated to a new line of MREs next year, developed partly from the feedback of 400 soldiers at Fort Greeley in Alaska. The comments below, from different soldiers, reveal just how tasty MREs are:

I believe it was the dinner meal (chicken and dumplings) that caused this, but it sounded like a flatulence symphony in my tent all night.

The "doughnut" is just a fudge brownie in a circle with crappy "frosting." What are you trying to pull?

This meal sucked! Do you even try this crap before you give it to us?

Oh my God, what were you thinking? Why stuffed cabbage? Wow, it was horrible. I wanted to die. ... Don't ever give stuffed cabbage to a soldier again. Even POW's deserve better.

This new menu has me using the latrine 3x day.

Dairy shake tasted like medicine, please do not punish soldiers with that anymore.

The enchilada was a gift that keeps on giving: heartburn, indigestion, large amounts of gas.

The hottest chili pepper in the world

It shouldn't surprise you that the hottest chili pepper in the world, as verified by scientists and recognized by the Guinness World Records, is from India. It's grown in the northeast state of Assam. Tim Sullivan of the Associated Press recently traveled there to write about the pepper, known as the "bhut jolokia" or "ghost chili."

If you think you've had a hotter chili pepper, you're wrong. The smallest morsels can flavor a sauce so intensely it's barely edible. Eating a raw sliver causes watering eyes and a runny nose. An entire chile is an all-out assault on the senses, akin to swigging a cocktail of battery acid and glass shards.

For generations, though, it's been loved in India's northeast, eaten as a spice, a cure for stomach troubles and, seemingly paradoxically, a way to fight the crippling summer heat. [Link]

It could also be used to fight enemies. Forget about nuclear weapons. India should be loading its missiles with bhut jolokia.

A chili's spiciness can be scientifically measured by calculating its content of capsaicin, the chemical that gives a pepper its bite, and counting its Scoville units.

And how hot is the bhut jolokia?

As a way of comparison: Classic Tabasco sauce ranges from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units. Your basic jalapeño pepper measures anywhere from 2,500 to 8,000. The previous record holder, the Red Savina habanero, was tested at up to 580,000 Scovilles.

The bhut jolokia crushed those contenders, testing at 1,001,304 Scoville units. [Link]

India should market itself as a country of hotness: hot peppers, hot weather, hot women ...

Journalists often risk their lives to report the news, going to war-ravaged countries like Iraq and Afghanistan, confronting tyrants and terrorists. But few are as committed to their profession as Tim Sullivan, who did something no other journalist has done: he ate an entire bhut jolokia.

My eyes watered uncontrollably and my nose ran. I felt like I was gargling with acid. My hands quivered. As the minutes passed, the pain grew worse.

I shoveled in yogurt: No relief. I chewed bread: Nothing. My head felt like it was expanding. My ears felt as if hot liquid was draining from them. Picture one of those old Tom and Jerry cartoons, with steam blasting from Tom's ears as a train whistle blows. That was me.The experts say beer and water do no good at such times. Maybe that's true, but gulps of very cold beer were the only things that helped me, washing away the pain for a few blessed seconds.[Link]

Give the man a medal of honor. Better yet, give him another beer.

I'd like my rat well-done please

Don't tell PETA, but rats are being caught in central China and hauled to the southern province of Guangdong, where they end up on plates in restaurants. According to a Reuters article, people in Guangdong are "reputed to eat anything that moves," which may explain why children are reluctant to play outdoors with their remote-control cars.

Some vendors, who declined to reveal their names, had asked people from a village in Hunan province, near Dongting Lake, to sell them live rats, the Beijing News said Monday. ... Some Guangdong restaurants were promoting "rat banquets," charging 136 yuan ($18) for one kg of rat meat, the newspaper said. [Link]

Rat banquets? I know someone who would find that extremely enticing, but he happens to be a cat. As for me, I'm just not very adventurous when it comes to food. Even crabs and lobsters don't appeal to me -- I'd sooner eat my shoe. It's all what you're used to, of course. If I grew up eating rats, then I'd probably be setting traps all over my house. It's always nice when the food comes to you. (I haven't seen any rats in my house yet, but you never know. That reminds me of the big rat I saw while visiting my in-laws in Chennai, India. It came through a window and gave me quite a scare. Forget about trying to eat it -- I thought it was going to eat ME!)

Incidentally, rats are eaten in Thailand too, as artist Marshall Astor describes in his blog.

It’s a white meat, and the legs were really tasty - every other part of the rat really requires some serious work to get at the meat. Regardless of any nervousness I might have had about eating the rats after the long anticipation (It was like 2 AM by the time we ate), I really enjoyed it. It was new, and sometimes in my post-Thailand existence, I get cravings for the gamey flavour of one of these guys. [Link]

Cravings for rats? Better head to Taco Bell.