FunnyColumns

'Slumdogs' no more

Their homes in the slums of Mumbai were demolished recently, but things are looking up for Rubina Ali and Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail, two of Slumdog Millionaire's child stars.

The filmmakers have agreed to raise the amount of money they will spend on new apartments for each family from $30,000 to $50,000, a Jai Ho trustee and Rubina's father, Rafiq Qureshi, both told The Associated Press on Saturday.

Family members had worried that $30,000 would not be enough to secure decent housing in Mumbai's pricey real estate market.

In addition, the filmmakers have agreed to give each family a stipend of $130 a month and a lump sum of $3,000 a year to support the children while they are in school, the trustee and Qureshi said. [Link]

They also sent $130 stipends to Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel. Freida used the money to get her nails done. Well, not all of it. She did let Dev keep 10 bucks.

Proposed agreement between Aishwarya and Freida

WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan (née Rai) won the Miss World contest in 1994, bringing glory to India and paving the way for three lesser beauties to win the same title.

WHEREAS, Freida Pinto was a model who appeared in ads for Hutch, Airtel and Wrigley’s Chewing Gum, but was not selected by L'Oréal, the world's largest cosmetics and beauty company, to grace billboards in New York, Toronto and other major cities around the world, causing innumerable men to drive their cars into telephone poles.

WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan has long been known as “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World,” a title bestowed on her by none other than Julia Roberts, which, along with the acronym TMBWIIW, is widely recognized as her trademark, in much the same way as Angelina Jolie is widely considered to possess the trademark of TMBWITWOTA, or “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World Other Than Aishwarya.”

WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan has appeared in 40 movies, has been crowned the “Queen of Bollywood,” and is a favorite of Mani Ratnam, Ashutosh Gowariker and other top directors who have created blockbusters featuring such acclaimed stars as Amitabh Bachchan, Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Bachchan.

WHEREAS, Freida Pinto has appeared in just one English movie, a role that required her mainly to smile and look pretty, while Aishwarya Bachchan has starred in several English movies such as Bride and Prejudice, Mistress of Spices and The Pink Panther 2, roles that required her to not just smile and look pretty, but also flutter her eyelashes.

All kinds of doors opening for A.R. Rahman

Seema Saleem, Anchor, ETV-India: "Good evening. Our top story this hour is once again Slumdog Millionaire’s domination of the Oscars. The Danny Boyle-directed movie bagged eight Oscars, including two for our very own A.R. Rahman. Here’s his acceptance speech again …  Rahman has done India proud, not only winning two Oscars, but also performing parts of two songs and cracking more jokes than Hugh Jackman. Let's go to Ravi Ram, our correspondent in Hollywood, who is standing outside the Kodak Theatre. Ravi, one of the questions everyone in India is asking today is whether Rahman is going to pursue a career in stand-up comedy."

Ram: "Seema, I spoke to Rahman moments ago and he told me that he is not seriously considering stand-up comedy, but may give some tips to Russell Peters."

Saleem: "The man is truly amazing. Here’s his acceptance speech again …  He was part of a history-making night for India, with three Indians winning Oscars. And Ravi, I hear there was even more history made last night.”

Ram: "Yes, Seema, there definitely was. I have consulted with an Academy Awards historian and verified that when Rahman gave his acceptance speech, it was the first time Tamil was ever spoken at the Oscars. I have also verified that when Resul Pookutty was nominated for his award in sound mixing, it was the first time someone had ever said 'Pookutty' at the Oscars."

Saleem: “A great night of history indeed. Here’s Rahman’s acceptance speech again …  Ravi, this might just be the beginning of Rahman’s relationship with Hollywood.”

Ram: “Yes, Seema, the rumor here is that Hollywood is going to make a play for him.”

Saleem: “Will it be a musical?”

Ram: “No, what I mean is, they are going to try to grab him from India. In fact, one Hollywood producer said to me, 'You give us Rahman, we'll give you Shyamalan.'"

Saleem: "Rahman for Shyamalan? I can already see the protests. Let's go to Madhu Mahadevan, our correspondent in Chennai, for more on this developing story. Madhu, what are people saying about the possibility of Rahman going to Hollywood?"

Mahadevan: "People are not at all happy about that. I just spoke to a group of young fans who said that Rahman has a bright future here and that his Slumdog success, as well as his other movie work, has earned him the right to spend the rest of his life as Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu."

Aishwarya: Good-looking, but theatrically challenged

Is Bollywood actress Aishwarya Bachchan (formerly Rai) the most beautiful woman in the world? Not in my book. It's a humor book, of course, so you can't take it too seriously. I'd rate Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie and Preity Zinta ahead of her, to mention just a few. I've always had a thing for Berry, even before she won the Oscar for Best Actress. On a scale of one to 10, I'd rate her an 11. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, of course, and if Aishwarya's fans think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, who am I to tell them to stop drinking the Kool-Aid?

But how far can looks carry an actress? Pretty far, if you consider Aishwarya's iconic status in India, but not far enough, if you consider the reviews of her Hollywood movie The Last Legion. Not only did western critics roundly pan the movie, a couple of them took shots at her acting skills as well.

Jack Mathews of the New York Daily News wrote: "And though Rai may be the most beautiful woman in the world, as some have claimed (I'll go with Michelle Pfeiffer), she's no actress." (Upon reading this, Aishwarya was devastated. "How can he write such a thing?" she said. "How can he think I'm not more beautiful than Michelle Pfeiffer?")

Geoff Pevere of The Toronto Star wrote: "The movie (directed gamely by the Xena and Hercules TV-show veteran Doug Lefler) follows the attempt to rescue the orphaned boy-emperor Romulus Augustus (Thomas Sangster) by a puffy-lidded, sleep-deprived centurion named Aurelius (Colin Firth) and his staggeringly gorgeous but theatrically challenged Bollywood-refugee sidekick named Mira (Aishwarya Rai)." (Upon reading this, Aishwarya was thrilled: "He said I'm staggeringly gorgeous! I bet he never said that about Michelle Pfeiffer.")

Pevere wasn't the only critic gushing about her looks. None, unfortunately, gushed about her acting.