FunnyColumns

Signs that you're getting TOO cheap

The weak economy has forced many people to cut back on their spending, but some are going to extremes. Cheapskates, like Amy VanDeventer, are becoming even cheaper.

Before the economy tanked, she was still wearing maternity clothes from her last pregnancy, clipping coupons and using hand-me-downs to dress her daughters, ages 2 and 3. Now, she's salvaging bagel scraps left on their plates for pizza toppings and cutting lotion bottles in half so she can scrape out the last drops.

"I was already cheap," said VanDeventer, a 36-year-old mortgage loan underwriter from Broomfield, Colo. "Now I am neurotic about it."

If you thought those cheapskate friends and relatives couldn't pinch pennies any tighter, think again. The recession is making tightwads like VanDeventer cut back even more. They're going way beyond sharpening their coupon scissors, replacing already cheap store-brand fabric softener with vinegar and even making their own detergent. VanDeventer was drying her hair in front of a fan after her portable hair dryer broke - until her friends bought her a new one. [Link]

It's okay to be somewhat cheap, but here are some signs that you're getting WAY TOO CHEAP:

1. You dry your hair in front of a fan.

2. You take a shower only once a week, whenever it rains.

3. You save money by cutting out coupons and putting them in the offering plate in church.

4. You don't shop at Goodwill until they have a 50% off sale.

5. You shake the vending machine before putting any money in it.

6. You rub scented candles in your armpits each morning.

7. You take a friend to McDonald's so you can share the small fries.

8. You shave with your sharpest kitchen knife.

9. You take a disguise to the grocery store, so you can have two shots at the samples.

10. You don't use hair gel, just a dab of mayonnaise.

11. You floss your teeth with your cat's hair.

12. You take a newspaper to the bathroom, but not just to read.

13. You make meatloaf without any meat, creating a family favorite called eatloaf.

14. You carry a 10-cent balloon in your wallet, just in case.

15. Whenever you leave comments on the Internet, you say, "That's just my one cent."

Give yourself an edge in the job market

These are tough economic times in America and elsewhere. If you're like me, you're saving money any way you can. I've cancelled my cable, invested in a good pair of binoculars and started watching my neighbor’s TV. Desperate times call for desperate  measures.

In this harsh economic climate, it's important to have a job, any job. But finding a job isn't easy, especially since so many companies are giving their employees –- even the male ones –- pink slips. Competition for jobs is so intense that chess champ Vishwanathan Anand has been flooded with applications, all because someone wrote that he has “good openings.”

With all the competition, it's vital for job seekers to give themselves an edge. That's why I've decided to offer a few tips to help people stand out from the crowd. Some of these tips may seem obvious, but, trust me, they're often overlooked.

Tip #1: Learn to speak English. When the economy was strong, some folks were able to find decent jobs in America by knowing just three words of English: "Me want job." Others, realizing the importance of grammar, tried a little harder: "Me wants job."

These days, three words of English aren't enough to secure a job in any
part of America outside Miami. Job seekers must learn at least six words, particularly these six: "Would you like fries with that?"

They may seem like easy words, but some immigrants really struggle with them. A few have been fired from fast-food restaurants for repeatedly asking customers, "Would you like flies with that?"

The restaurants, as you can imagine, received many customer complaints, such as the one from a West Virginia man who threw his meal at the manager, shouting: “I thought I was getting flies with my burger, not fries."

Tip #2: Go easy on the tattoos and body piercing. Two or three are OK, but when your entire body is green, the only people you’re likely to impress are environmentalists. Well, perhaps a few others too, but they probably won’t offer you a job, unless one of them is a farmer and, with planting season coming around, needs another scarecrow.

(Yes, I know: some tattoos are works of art. In fact, Leonardo Da Vinci first tattooed the Mona Lisa on a friend's backside. Unfortunately nipple rings weren’t common in those days, so he couldn’t hang his friend in a gallery.)

Economic news that may surprise you

Kevin G. Hall, a reporter in the Washington bureau of the McClatchy newspaper company, reports that the prices of milk, eggs and other essentials in the American diet are shooting up by double digits. But hold on to your seats, here's the real shocker in his article:

Half the nation's families earn below the median family income of about $56,000. [Link, last paragraph]

The median family income is expected to increase next year, but leading economists believe that half the nation's families will STILL be below it. Even more stunning, perhaps, is their dire prediction that one out of every four Americans will remain among the bottom 25 percent of wage earners. But on the positive side, they predict that the average American family will earn as much money in the first quarter of 2008 as they will in January, February and March combined.