FunnyColumns

Meet the Patels

Britain has more than 250,000 Patels, six of them pictured above. Clare James of BBC News writes about a matchmaking event for Patels at a community centre in Wembley, north London.

As the guests arrive they are handed lists relating first names (surnames are obviously a given at this do), ages, qualifications and occupations of their opposite numbers, together with the names of the villages their forefathers came from.

"You look for the village where your own folks come from," one of the girls explains. "But you can't link up with someone who's from your own village because they'll be too close, like your cousin or your brother."

So marrying your cousin is out. And so, traditionally, is marrying outside your caste. To help people sort through these complications each caste has its own directories, some up to 1,000 pages thick. They're arranged alphabetically by village and detail people's names, addresses and the details of any eligible sons and daughters.

"It's like a database so we can know how many Patels there are," says Ramesh Patel, president of the Yorkshire Leuva Patel Society (Leuva being the farming or landowning caste).

"We can find out whether someone's son or daughter is suitable for mine - their ages, whether they have a degree. Then we can introduce them and if they like each other, fair enough. If not, by all means move on."  [BBC News]

"If they like each other, fair enough" is certainly an improvement over "if they're fair enough, they like each other." But they're still too attached to the caste system, which means that the single men in the Yorkshire Leuva Patel Society will never get their hands on the lovely ladies in the Yorkshire Pudding Society.

Bradford restaurateur Bobby Patel says enterprise and the instinct for "an environment to make money" is "engrained in the Patels".

Nowhere is it more successfully engrained than in Bhikhu and Vijay Patel, owners of the Basildon-based pharmaceutical company Waymade Healthcare. Joint 141st on the annual Sunday Times Rich List, they're worth £370m - even after the credit crunch.

In 2000, the Rich List database threw up the interesting idea that you're seven times more likely to be a millionaire if you're called Patel than if you're called Smith. Which may be one reason they like to stick together.

Defining the extended family's philosophy, Bikhu says simply: "One works very hard, looks after the family and always saves a little for a rainy day."

"When you earn £100 you want to earn £200. You try to do better and better for your children, talk to any Patel and they want to educate their kids. This may not be unique to Patels, our values are very similar to other Indians, but we seem to excel at it." [BBC News]

Yes, Indians love to educate their children. Those other kids in college -- the whites and blacks and Chinese -- they're just there because their parents were looking for a good way to burn their life savings.

I know Patels who want their kids to get advanced degrees and I also know Patels who just want their kids to learn how to say, "Thank you for shopping at our store. Please come again."

Please don't call her 'aunty'

Picture this: You're a single woman in your early forties who has taken a liking to a handsome twenty- something guy who lives in your apartment building. Hey, if it works for Demi, why not you? So you gather the courage and leave a box of samosas at his door, with a note that says, "Just made a batch and thought you might like a few."

An hour later, there's a knock at your door. He's standing there in shorts and a tank top, looking as studly as ever. "The samosas were great," he says. "Thank you for thinking of me, Aunty."

Well, that probably never happened to Shobha Tharoor Srinivasan, but she's nevertheless peeved about being called "aunty" by people she barely knows, as she states in this month's Khabar (her piece originally appeared in India Currents, linked below).

Today, the title “aunty” is so overused and misused that it has lost its position and meaning. Indian-American children are taught that every adult female is a potential aunty; many carry this presumption to the conclusion that any adult female older than them can be an aunty. I’m not referring to school children here, but to those I see as adults, the lipsticked and bearded variety, who ought to know better. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with terms like ammayi, or cheriamma, or edathi, all specific Malayalam words that acknowledge individuals who are close family members and deserve rightful respect in the family’s pecking order. There are equivalent terms in every Indian language: terms like maami, mausi, and didi that all validate close family connections. But amongst English-speaking Indian Americans, the frequent use of “aunty” or “uncle” is more often an example of lazy speech, or a desire to bump the individual in question into the category of doddering older-other, than it is a thoughtful moniker of respect. Therein lies the problem. [Link]

Srinivasan, Director of Development at SVILC, Santa Clara County’s Independent Living Center (and aunty to Shashi Tharoor's sons), notes the importance of aunties in Indian culture -- "Children have always needed aunties: women who were caring and courageous enough to share in the act of mothering" -- and offers some guidelines on using the term "aunty":

If I have not known you when you were a child, and been a part of your life as you learnt and grew—I am not your aunty.

If you are an adult with or without furrows on your temples, and our paths have never crossed before—I am not your aunty.

If your children are younger than mine, or you are the same age as my grown children, but I am meeting you for the first time—I am not your aunty.

And if you’re just not sure what to call someone? Ask; don’t assume. [Link]

I've been called "uncle" a few times and not just by my nephew and nieces, so I'd like to offer some guidelines too. Whatever your age, you may use the term "uncle," as long as you use it in sentences like these:

• "Sure, Uncle, I'll babysit your children every Friday night."
• "May I mow your lawn for you, Uncle?"
• "To my Uncle Melvin, I leave all my worldly possessions ..."

And, of course:

• "Here are some samosas I made for you, Uncle."

More babies in America, white, black and brown

Most developed countries want people to have babies, lots of them. They want the babies to grow up, get jobs, pay taxes and help support the elderly. But people in countries such as Canada, Italy and Japan are just not having enough babies, perhaps because of all the costs and effort involved. They don't want to spend a fortune on baby formula and diapers; they don't want to clean up when the baby throws up the formula and finds a gap in the diaper.

In America, however, people are starting to have more babies -- or so it seems.

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP)  -- Bucking the trend in many other wealthy industrialized nations, the United States seems to be experiencing a baby boomlet, reporting the largest number of children born in 45 years.

The nearly 4.3 million births in 2006 were mostly due to a bigger population, especially a growing number of Hispanics. That group accounted for nearly one-quarter of all U.S. births. But non-Hispanic white women and other racial and ethnic groups were having more babies, too. [Link]

When a woman goes into labor, it's her panic; when she gives birth, it's Hispanic. Or something like that.

An Associated Press review of birth numbers dating to 1909 found the total number of U.S. births was the highest since 1961, near the end of the baby boom. ...

Experts believe there is a mix of reasons: a decline in contraceptive use, a drop in access to abortion, poor education and poverty.

There are cultural reasons as well. Hispanics as a group have higher fertility rates -- about 40 percent higher than the U.S. overall. And experts say Americans, especially those in middle America, view children more favorably than people in many other Westernized countries.

"Americans like children. We are the only people who respond to prosperity by saying, `Let's have another kid,"' said Nan Marie Astone, associate professor of population, family and reproductive health at Johns Hopkins University. [Link]

The only people? That really surprised me, so I decided to find out how people in other countries respond to prosperity:

Canada: "Let's have another snowblower."

India: "Let's have another cow."

England: "Let's have another war."

France: "Let's have another bath."

Ireland: "Let's have another beer."

Saudi Arabia: "Let's have another wife."

Watch what you do in a foreign country

If you're in Sudan, don't you dare name a teddy bear Muhammad. If you're in Saudi Arabia, don't you dare hold hands in public with the opposite sex. And if you're in India, don't you dare kiss Shilpa Shetty. Those are just some of the examples Mark McCrum cites in his fascinating article about cultural differences in the Telegraph.

Some high-profile gaffes highlight intercultural messes that any of us could get into. In June, Cameron Diaz pitched up at Peru's Machu Picchu ruins carrying a bag with the Maoist slogan "Serve the People".

In a country that had been terrorised by the Maoist Shining Path guerrillas, this caused major upset. Diaz was forced to issue a statement apologising "to anyone I may have inadvertently offended". She had picked up the bag in China and didn't even know what the slogan meant, let alone its significance. [Link]

"Serve the People" -- isn't that SouthWest Airlines' slogan? No, wait, it's "Serve the peanuts."

Even the most powerful corporations have fallen into similar heffalump traps. When Pepsico launched in China with the cheery slogan "Come alive with Pepsi", it little realised it would come out in Chinese as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead". [Link]

Coke tried to promote itself as "the real thing," but in Chinese, it came out as "your thing is real."

The Italian car firm Fiat's launch of "the stylish Pinto" in Argentina was somewhat compromised by the local slang use of "pinto" for the male organ. [Link]

Ah, that explains why the Vice President is known in Argentina as Pinto Cheney.

I don't know about you, but I'll never be able to eat pinto beans again.

Similarly, the Dublin-based makers of the after-dinner liqueur Irish Mist were probably foolish not to have realised that "mist" in German means "manure". [Link]

Irish Mist sold fairly well in Germany, but many people complained that, instead of getting bigger, their tomato plants kept falling over.

Gestures are another area where care must be taken. As George W Bush stood watching his second inaugural parade in January 2005, he held up a fist with the forefinger and little finger extended.

Where he comes from, this is the victory salute of the University of Texas Longhorns, the "hook 'em horns". Not so in Italy, where the same sign can imply that a man is a cuckold. In Norway, it's the sign of the devil, more often used by fans of dodgy heavy metal groups than world leaders. [Link]

Tourist: "You Norwegians consider that the sign of the devil, don't you?"

Norwegians: "Not anymore. These days, it's even worse than that."

Tourist: "Worse than that?"

Norwegian: "Yeah, it's the sign of Bush."

Column: Dear Santa, I'm on your side

Dear Santa,

It’s been almost 365 days since I wrote to you and I want to begin by telling you that the gift you brought me last Christmas just didn’t cut it. I don’t know where you picked up that lousy beard trimmer. I guess it was silly of me to expect someone like you to know anything about beard trimmers.

Before I give you my wish list for this Christmas, I’m sure you want to know whether I’ve been naughty or nice. I’ve been extremely nice, Santa. Unlike you, I haven’t said “ho ho ho” to anyone. I haven’t called a single person “ho,” not even a married one. But I did get slapped in the garden center of Wal-Mart when I asked for a certain digging implement. People are just so touchy these days.

Don’t get me wrong, Santa. I support your right to say “ho ho ho” to anyone you please. People who complain about that are just horrible and hopeless and probably offended that those words begin with ‘ho.’

I’m on your side, Santa, that’s what I want to say. I don’t agree with the U.S. Surgeon General, who believes you’re fat and unhealthy and a poor role model for kids. You’ve always been a good role model for me, Santa. At dinner time, when I’m trying to decide whether to have another slice of pizza, I always ask myself, “What would Santa do?” And then I eat five more.

I also disagree with the people who want you to stop saying “Merry Christmas” because it might offend people of other religions. It’s so easy to get offended these days, Santa. I could get offended every time someone says “What’s up?” to me. Frankly, Santa, I’m getting old and there’s nothing up anymore. Well, aside from my cholesterol, that is.

Listen, Santa, I’d prefer it if you didn’t say “Happy Holidays!” That’s just so dull and insipid. Instead of that, why not say “Merry Christmas!” to Christians and “Happy Diwali” to Hindus? And if you’re not sure if someone is Christian or Hindu, just say, “Merry Chriswali!”

Philadelphia, a homely, thongless city

Are people in some cities more attractive than people in others? You wouldn't think so, but that didn't stop Travel and Leisure magazine from trying to rank them.

Of the 25 major American cities ranked by citizen attractiveness, Philadelphia finished dead-last.

According to 60,000 respondents to the magazine's online survey, Philadelphians are slightly more repulsive than Washingtonians (24), Dallasites (23) and San Antonions (22) but way uglier than Miamians (1), San Diegoans (2) and Charlestonians (3). [Link]

Way uglier? Apparently, everyone in Miami resembles Halle Berry, while everyone in Philadelphia resembles a blackberry. (No, not the electronic kind.)

"This is the city of Fabian and Frankie Avalon and Grace Kelly," said City Councilman Frank DiCicco. "Are they saying we've morphed into ugly people over the last few decades? Somebody's drinking something out there."

DiCicco took issue with Travel and Leisure ranking Miami's beautiful people No. 1.

"My oldest son, the dentist, had a condo in Miami so I've been to South Beach a few times," he said.

"Most people are walking around in thongs so everybody looks good there. [Link]

Most people are walking around in thongs? I don't know if I'd like that. Some people just shouldn't put their thang in a thong.

Perhaps Philadelphia should have a "Thong Day" and ask all residents to slip into one. Then we'd know for sure how they compare to Miamians. Just don't get your hopes up, Philadelphians. It's quite possible that your best-looking resident in a thong is Andy Reid.

Photo credit: Anthony Grimley

When one wedding dress isn't enough

I'm always amazed how much couples (or their parents) spend on their wedding. Not only do they shell out thousands for food and drink, they also pay for dresses, flowers, favors, photographers, musicians, comedians, and, in some cases, Bill Clinton. Getting married these days is almost as costly as getting divorced. And the costs keep rising, not just because of inflation, but also because of people like Katie Holmes, who wore TWO dresses when she wed Tom Cruise. No, not at the same time.

Christi Vagnozzi, senior editor at The Knot, a wedding magazine and Web site, says celebrities influence bridal trends. She points to Toledo-born actress Katie Holmes, punk-pop singer Avril Lavigne, and crooner Christina Aguilera, all of whom wore two dresses at their weddings. Ms. Holmes, wed to actor Tom Cruise, went with two Armani designs. [Link]

So what's happening now? Ordinary women are feeling compelled to follow suit, apparently saying to themselves, "What a great idea! Five years from now, I'll have TWO dresses I can't fit into."

Tiffany Brazeau would like two dresses for her September, 2008, wedding. She wants one to be strapless, fitted, and a blush-pink shade.

“I go on The Knot [message board] all the time and a lot of girls talk about it,” says Ms. Brazeau, a manager at Atlas Bridal Shop. “I think I’m going to do something more fitted, along the lines of the mermaid style. I’m waiting to go to Las Vegas [to a bridal show] to see what’s coming up.” [Link]

But why stop at two dresses? Why not have three or four? One for the wedding, one for the reception, one for the limo ride, and one for the groom in the hotel room. (If he's the cross-dressing type.)