Nshima & Curry

Put down your carrots, I surrender!

Vegetables can protect you -- and not just from diseases. They often protect me from noisy children. If my kids are disturbing me while I'm trying to write, I just grab some brocolli or spinach from the fridge and they're off running.

A 66-year-old Welsh woman named Patricia Scott recently protected herself with carrots. She used them to scare off Kevin Humphrey Jones, 24, who had tried to rob Scott's store.

Prosecutor Tom Morgan Jones said Jones, of no fixed address, went into the shop at the village of Talwrn, last February, wearing a hooded top. He demanded cash from the till.

At first Miss Scott thought he was a local youth playing a joke and told him not to be silly. “The defendant said ‘you are not taking this seriously’,” explained Mr Morgan Jones.

“At that stage he produced a short-bladed knife and pushed that at arms’ length to within about a foot of her face. She was terrified and her heart pounded.”

Miss Scott handed over £40 in £5 notes but Jones wanted more.

However, the brave shopkeeper pelted him with carrots, a roll of Sellotape, and receipt book. [Link]

The receipt book and sellotape were relatively harmless, but the carrots ... well, they're pointy. Don't be surprised if you see these words on the next bag of carrots you buy: "Warning: Carrots can cause serious bodily harm. Please handle with care. Do not throw at innocent people and do not insert in any orifice, except the mouth."

And don't be surprised if you see a bumper sticker that says: "Carrots don't kill people. People kill people."

Jones fled, threatening to get a gun.

He made off at speed in a car driven by a woman but it was followed the short distance to Llangefni by a man who noted the registration.

Defence lawyer Robin Boag said Jones had been involved with drugs since the age of 13. “This case demonstrates the dreadful effects drugs have on lives,” he said. [Link]

Yes, it shows the dreadful effects of drugs, but it also shows the positive effects of vegetables. So on behalf of farmers everywhere, let me say this: Even if you don't like to eat vegetables, make sure you buy them. You never know when you might need them.

Photo by Allert Aalders

Hooking up with Samir

What do these three guys have in common? Well, all three were recently charged with DWI (Driving While Idiots). They're among 109 people busted in Nassau County, New York, for being intoxicated behind the wheel. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "South Asians, represent!"

The idiocy of drunken driving can be found in every community. These guys are lucky that they were charged with only DWI. Had they killed someone, as they easily could have, they'd be spending lots of time behind bars, not inside them.

Among the most serious cases in Nassau: Juan F. Cardoza, of Baldwin, who police say was driving along Sunrise Highway westbound in eastbound lanes; Eric F. Flores, of Kings Park, whose blood-alcohol level police say was three times the legal limit; Karen A. Armata, of East Meadow, who police say was driving drunk with her children aboard; and, Samir Nayee of Winter Park, Fla., who police say had two previous arrests for drunken driving, authorities said. [Link]

Yes, Samir is a serial offender. Incidentally, ladies, if you're interested in hooking up with him, you may not have to hang out at a bar. Just respond to his matrimonial ad.

Ive been lookin for love in all the wrong places, gonna give this online thing a go to see new faces....

i dont know - im a fun loving, intellectual, sarcastic, enterprising, exciting, goofy kind of guy... dont really know what else to say but well, ummm - im samir and if anyone wants to get to know me..... dont hesitate... [Link]

Of course, this might be a different guy, one who just happens to have the same name and face. This guy, after all, is an "intellectual." He's a thinker, not a drinker, never mind that he has posted a photo of himself nursing a drink at a party. He's an advertising professional who's "athletic," "enterprising" and "wheatish." So what are you waiting for, ladies?

'We are all educated, nice people' -- UPDATED

Mahender and Varsha Sabhnani, the Long Island couple who enslaved and abused two Indonesian women, will be sentenced on Thursday and Friday respectively in federal court. According to a New York Times article, Mahender may be sent to prison for five or six years, with his wife getting 12 to 15. I'd like to see Mahender get at least 10 years, even if the poor guy has already served 27 years of being married to Varsha.

He may not have committed the atrocities himself, but he was aware of what was going on and could have stopped it. Come to think of it, the couple's children are also culpable to a lesser degree. Their oldest child, Pooja Sabhnani, tries to defend her parents in the Times article.

She said of the workers, “We got them Christmas presents. I got them sneakers from K-Mart. They said we didn’t give them winter coats. They had coats.”

She continued: “They said we never brought them out. We took them out in the snow. We took their picture and explained to them, ‘We are taking your picture. When you go back, you’ll get this picture. We’ll give the picture to you, and you can bring it home so you can show your children that you saw snow.’ ” [Link]

So the workers did get to go outside -- on one occasion when it was snowing. Varsha was probably in a good mood that day. "Come outside and see the beautiful snow," she said. "And don't come back inside until it's all been shoveled."

What's particularly galling to me is the attitude of one of the Sabhnanis' friends.

“This case is very frightening for Indian families here,” said Bharat Jotwani, a wealthy friend of the Sabhnanis’ who lives nearby. “We are all educated, nice people. We came here to make it.” [Link]

He's quoted again at the end of the article:

“There is no way on earth any Indian family in the United States could do what they were accused of,” he said. “The [Indian] people I know here all feel this way. Anybody from India who has come here comes from a very good family.” [Link]

No way on earth? Jotwani is obviously not keeping his eye on the police blotter. Doesn't he know that Indian-Americans are starting to excel in yet another field?

UPDATE: Varsha Sabhnani has been given a 11-year prison sentence and ordered to forfeit the family  home. The judge didn't follow the federal sentencing guidelines, which called for 12 to 15 years behind bars. The lies letters must have helped. Mahender has been sentenced to 40 months in prison, less than four years. It's like he's going off to college, except with no exams and better food.

Groping on the train -- again and again and again

Groping is a common problem on buses and trains, especially when men and women are crammed together. In Japan, "two-thirds of female riders in their twenties and thirties reported that they had been groped on trains, and the majority had been victimized frequently." In some countries, including Japan, India and Mexico, authorities have tried to address the problem on trains by introducing "women-only"  passenger cars. It's a good solution, especially if you don't mind having other women grope you. (I'm sure it happens, though not as frequently as male-on-female groping.)

How serious a crime is it? Well, if you're a victim of groping, you probably think it's fairly serious. I'd hate to have some guy rubbing himself against me or touching my butt. (And I'd also be reluctant to snap the ball in American football.)

If you're a perpetrator, you probably think it's a fairly harmless crime. All you're doing is touching or rubbing against someone, which is almost unavoidable during rush hour. Like Freddie Johnson, you want to keep doing it.

About two weeks after he was released from prison, Freddie Johnson boarded a crowded subway train during morning rush hour in Manhattan, squeezed in behind a woman and ground his pelvis into her backside, authorities said.

It is a fairly common crime on subways in New York. But this was no common criminal.

Johnson has been arrested a staggering 53 times — the majority for groping women on the subway, police and prosecutors said.

In the latest incident, Johnson was being followed by plainclothes officers who recognized him from police photos, authorities said. He was charged with persistent sexual abuse, and if convicted this time, he could be sent away for life. The district attorney's office branded him a "recidivist transit grinder" at a court hearing earlier this week. [Link]

A recidivist transit grinder? Isn't that the guy at the Starbucks in the subway? He certainly does a lot of grinding. Johnson's grinding is worse of course, because nobody wants to pay $9.95 for it.

The subway sicko with a 57-page rap sheet brazenly claimed Sunday that pretty women should expect to get groped on trains.

"When there's this many attractive women in the city and on the subways, don't they know [this will happen]?" asked Freddie Johnson in a disturbing jailhouse interview with the Daily News. [Link]

Yeah, it's your fault, ladies. Stop being so darn attractive. Next time you travel, wear a temporary wart on your nose and stick a few hairs on your chin. And watch out for that blind grinder.

Around half of all so-called exhibitionists like Johnson are repeat offenders, experts say. Exhibitionists have the highest rate of re-offense of all sex crimes, but there isn't much crossover into more egregious acts like rape or assault, said Elizabeth Jeglic, a professor of treatment and rehabilitation of offenders at John Jay College of Criminal Justice.

"Exhibitionism is disturbing, but in the larger scheme you want to commit the people who are grabbing kids off the street, or the rapist in Central Park," Jeglic said. [Link]

Yeah, it's definitely not as serious as child abduction or rape, even if we'd all like Johnson to keep his, uh, johnson to himself.

He certainly doesn't deserve life imprisonment, though dropping the soap in the prison bathroom may teach him a lesson or two.

Photo by Blmurch

Email from a U.S. soldier in Iraq

My name is Staff Sgt. James Coker; I am an American soldier, serving in the military with the army’s 3rd infantry division.

What a pleasant surprise to get an email from you, Sgt. Coker. You're the first soldier who has taken the time to write to me and I'm really honored.

With a very desperate need for assistance, I have summed up courage to contact you.  I found your contact particulars in an address journal.

Address journal? Was it lying around on the streets of Baghdad? I keep telling my friends to be more careful with their "address journals."

I am seeking your kind assistance to move the sum of US$8m (eight million United States dollars) to you in United States; as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service here.

Eight million dollars? Wow, that's a lot of money. Of course, you can be assured that I'll spend it well take good care of it. Thank you for selecting me for this shopping spree opportunity. Wait till I tell my wife about this! She likes to go shopping help others too.

Source of money: Some money in US dollars were discovered in dog kennels at a farm house and guest houses in an estate near one of Saddam`s old palaces in Baghdad, Iraq,  during an operation, and it was agreed by Staff Sgt. Kenneth Buff, Sgt. 1st Class Daniel Van Ess and I that some part of this money be shared amongst us before informing anybody about it.

You found the money in dog kennels? What a great hiding place. I would have never looked inside dog kennels. You guys are great. It's amazing that you didn't find those WMDs.

How could this happen in America?

A millionaire couple of Indian descent have been convicted of enslaving two Indonesian women they had brought to America as housekeepers.

Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani, 51, and his wife, Varsha Mahender Sabhnani, 45, were each convicted of all charges in a 12-count federal indictment that included forced labor, conspiracy, involuntary servitude, and harboring aliens.

Prosecutors said the women were subjected to repeated psychological and physical abuse and were forced to work 18 hours or more a day.

The Sabhnanis, who have four children and operate a worldwide perfume business out of their Muttontown home on Long Island's Gold Coast, could face up to 40 years in prison, although attorneys predicted the punishment would be considerably less. [Link]

Their perfume business produced three brands that were particularly popular in Saudi Arabia: Entrapment, Oppression and Subjugation.

One of the couple's daughters, Dakshina, collapsed in the front row as the verdict was read, prompting the judge to clear the courtroom while medical personnel attended to her.

Defense attorney Jeffrey Hoffman said he would appeal. "Apparently, the jury was taken by the histrionics ..." of the Indonesian women, he said.

Fellow defense lawyer Stephen Scaring said another of the Sabhnanis' children, daughter Tina, told him: "We never did anything to anybody, how could this happen to us in America?" [Link]

It's a good question, really. How could something like this happen to good people like the Sabhnanis? Let's look at some of the charges and see if Mrs. Sabhnani has a logical explanation.

Charge: They forced the women to work 18 hours or more a day. Explanation: "We work 18 hours a day too! What else is there in life except work?"

Charge: They made the women eat 25 hot peppers at one time. Explanation: "We eat 25 hot peppers all the time. It's a special treat for us."

Charge: They beat the women with brooms and umbrellas. Explanation: "We beat each other with brooms and umbrellas too. It's a form of affection for us."

Charge: They punished the women for misdeeds by making them repeatedly climb stairs. Explanation: "We don't have an elevator. If we had one, we would have gladly let them use it."

Charge: They punished the women by making them take freezing cold showers. Explanation: "My husband takes cold showers all the time. Every time he looks at me, he feels like taking a cold shower."

New Jersey's going to stop killing them

I used to be a proponent of the death penalty, but that was back in the 1990s, when my brain was still recovering from college. These days, I believe that nobody should be put to death, not even Ann Coulter. So I'm thrilled that New Jersey is about to kill the death penalty.

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - New Jersey is preparing to scrap the death penalty next week, becoming the first U.S. state to legislatively abolish capital punishment since the U.S. Supreme Court reinstated it in 1976.     State legislators will vote on Monday and Thursday on bills that would end the death penalty and substitute life without parole for the most serious crimes. Lawmakers say the measure is likely to be approved. ...

New Jersey, with eight people on death row, has not executed anyone since 1963. [Link]

Those eight people must be feeling very relieved.

First inmate: "Hurray! We're getting life without parole!"

Second inmate: "Life without parole? I wish it was life without gruel."

Thirty-seven American states and the federal government have the death penalty but its use has fallen in recent years. The number of death sentences handed down fell by 60 percent from 1999 to 2006 while the number of executions dropped by 40 percent over the same period, according to the Death Penalty Information Center, a Washington research group.

The United States executed 53 people in 2006, the lowest number for 10 years, and the total is expected to fall this year to 42, said Richard Dieter of the DPIC. [Link]

That's good to hear. A civilized country shouldn't be executing people. I mean, if we really want to punish people severely, why not just make them listen to John Tesh? On second thought, that might be too inhumane.

You don't need satellite imaging to diagnose some problems

Whenever I receive an email from the widow of General Sani Abacha or the son of Jonas Savimbi or someone else wanting to transfer millions of dollars into my bank account, I wonder who would fall for such a scam. Many people would, apparently. And many people already have. It seems so far-fetched, really, the idea that someone in Nigeria or another country has picked YOU to help them get money out. But people will believe anything, and when I say "anything," I mean that they'd even believe that their medical problems can be diagnosed by satellite.

 A man was sentenced to more than four years in prison for bilking friends and family out of more than $800,000 by convincing them that his wife was a government agent who could arrange to have their medical problems diagnosed by satellite imaging.

Brent Eric Finley, 38, of Rayville, was sentenced in federal court in Monroe to serve 51 months in prison followed by three years of supervised release. His wife, Stacey Finley, was sentenced in August to spend 63 months in prison and both are ordered to jointly pay restitution in the amount of $873,786.94. ...

U.S. Attorney Donald W. Washington said in a news release following Monday's sentencing of Brent Finley that the couple convinced numerous people that Stacey Finley was a CIA agent and with her contacts she could schedule a medical scan of the victims' bodies by satellite imaging that would detect any hidden medical problems.

The Finley's convinced their victims that, if any medical problems were found, secret agents would administer medicine to them as they slept in exchange for payment, according to a bill of information filed when the Finleys were charged in May.

"These audacious criminals should remind all of us that scam artists will go to great lengths to take our life's savings," Washington said. [Link]

Actually, what it should remind all of us is that you don't have to go far to find someone who fell off the back of the potato truck.

They're just kids, but sentenced to life

Remember what you were like when you were a kid? Did you do anything stupid? I did. "Stupidity" was my middle name. I even broke the law a time or two. I would often drive my mother's car without a license. One afternoon, to the amusement of my friends, I turned on the headlights and joined a funeral procession. Anyone who saw us having a big laugh must have wondered how much we were inheriting.

I didn't commit any major crimes, but with the wrong influence, I easily could have. Kids just don't have the mental capacity to realize what they're doing and think of all the consequences. But you wouldn't know that from some of the sentences being handed down in America.

THE United States has far more juveniles serving life terms than any other country — 2387. Israel, the only other country that imprisons juveniles for life, according to a new study by the University of San Francisco's Centre for Law & Global Justice, has seven — and has not issued such a sentence since 2004. [Link]

America is way out in front of any other country. The last time I saw this much domination, the Patriots were playing the Redskins.

In the US, life terms have fallen disproportionately on non-white children, who are 10 times more likely than white children to be given life without parole, the report found.

The study, titled Sentencing Children to Die in Prison, also found that in California, black juveniles are 20 times more likely to receive such sentences. [Link]

Someone once told me that justice was colorblind. But perhaps he was just talking about David Justice.

The US Federal Government and 44 states permit life sentences without the possibility of parole for juvenile offenders.

"Among those states, 13 allow sentencing a child of any age to LWOP and one sets the bar at eight years or older," according to the study.

There are 18 states that could apply the sentence to a child as young as 10, and 20 states that allow it for children 12 or older. The minimum age is 14 in 13 other states. [Link]

A child of any age can get a life sentence in 13 states? You thought you lived in America, but it's actually Americanistan.

The report asserts that "harsh sentences dispensed in adult courts do not take into account the lessened culpability of juvenile offenders… Psychologically and neurologically, children cannot be expected to have achieved the same level of mental development as an adult, even when they become teenagers." [Link]

Even young adults don't have the same mental development as older adults. Just ask the man who got busted at age 30 for driving under the influence. He'll tell you he's a changed man today. Either that or he's really guzzling it down in the White House.

Forget the bank, get your loot at Wal-Mart

Taking care of babies can be quite expensive. You can spend a fortune on all their needs. Sometimes you feel like going to Wal-Mart, pulling out a gun and shouting: "Give me all your diapers and baby formula!"

WOOD RIVER, Illl. (AP) _ Prosecutors in St. Clair County acccused two men Thursday of stealing diapers, baby formula and toilet paper from the Wood River Wal-Mart and then leading police on a high-speed chase.[Link]

A high-speed chase for diapers, formula and toilet paper? Was it really worth endangering the public?

Captain: "Officer, because of your pursuit, a school bus veered off the road, injuring dozens of children. Isn't that true?"

Officer: "Yes, it's true. But I did manage to recover the toilet paper."

 Forty-eight-year-old Laverne Nicholson of Washington Park was charged with two felonies -- retail theft and aggravated fleeing from the police. Forty-eight-year-old Materiel Lewis of East St. Louis was charged with felony retail theft. [Link]

Material Lewis. That's an interesting name. If he's asked to testify, would he be considered a "Material witness"? He'd be better off as a comedian, of course. He'd never run out of Material.

Wood River Police Chief William Webber says one of the suspects flashed a knife while trying to leave the store with the merchandise yesterday afternoon. Police say the pair led them on a high-speed chase until a flat tire stopped the suspects' vehicle on Interstate 255. [Link]

The police must have caused the flat tire, probably using a spike strip. You have to pull out all the stops when you're trying to capture diaper thieves.

It's better to prevent such crimes, of course. That's why Wal-Mart will soon be putting all its diapers next to the watches -- inside a glass case.

Photo by Drewesque

Chicago, the city of second chances

Would you give a job to an ex-convict? I might, but it really depends on the crime. If he had stolen a six-pack of beer, I'd probably hire him, but only after I got a lock for my refrigerator. (I wouldn't want him to get hold of my wife's Heinekens.) If he had done something terrible, like molest a child, the only job I'd be willing to give him is a nose job. (No, it wouldn't be an improvement.)

The city of Chicago is more forgiving than I could ever be. More considerate. More understanding. More stupid.

When he applied for a part-time job as a truck driver for the city of Chicago, Jerome Felske admitted he had a criminal past.

He acknowledged having six criminal convictions -- one burglary and five thefts.

He got the job anyway.

At the time, three years ago, City Hall had an unwritten policy against hiring ex-cons. But Felske had clout: He was helping register voters for the Hispanic Democratic Organization, then a powerful patronage army delivering votes for Mayor Daley.

Felske soon worked up to a full-time trucking job with the Department of Streets and Sanitation. [Link]

One burglary and five thefts. On his resumé, did he list them under "work experience"? Or did he put them under "hobbies and interests"?

Then, last January, he was fired. It wasn't because he'd been a thief. It was because the city inspector general found Felske had been more of a thief than he'd admitted on his job application: Felske had been convicted 22 times going back to the 1960s, not just the six convictions he owned up to. City officials called it "fraud." [Link]

Twenty-two times! With that kind of experience, why did the city let him go?

It was a mistake, of course. And they soon realized it.

When the good guys act like bad guys

We like to think of the police as good guys and criminals as bad guys. When a bad guy does a good deed, we don't know what to make of it. We're suspicious and wary. But we're even more stunned when a good guy does a bad deed. We expect the police to act with honor. We expect them to respect the rights of everyone. Unfortunately police brutality is far too common -- and not just in developing countries. The term "police brutality" may seem a little strong for what happened to a Polish man in Vancouver International Airport, but after watching the video on TV, I can come to no other conclusion.

An eyewitness's video recording of a man dying after being stunned with a Taser by police on Oct. 14 at Vancouver International Airport has been released to the public.

The 10-minute video recording clearly shows four RCMP officers talking to Robert Dziekanski while he is standing with his back to a counter and with his arms lowered by his sides, but his hands are not visible.

About 25 seconds after police enter the secure area where he is, there is a loud crack that sounds like a Taser shot, followed by Dziekanski screaming and convulsing as he stumbles and falls to the floor.

Another loud crack can be heard as an officer appears to fire one more Taser shot into Dziekanski.

As the officers kneel on top of Dziekanski and handcuff him, he continues to scream and convulse on the floor.

One officer is heard to say, "Hit him again. Hit him again," and there is another loud cracking sound. [Link]

They gave him 25 seconds! That's barely enough time to say his name. I'm not sure what they expected him to do, stand upright and sing O Canada? He was pretty defenseless. Sure, he had been acting erratically, but I'd act erratically too if I had arrived in a strange country, couldn't speak their language and was stuck at the airport for more than eight hours with no food to eat. I'd be walking in circles, saying, "I want my mommy!"

All walks of life involved in child porn

Police have arrested 92 people in eight European countries who allegedly participated in a child pornography network that sold videos to 2,500 customers.

An analyst for Europol, Menno Hagemeijer, said the customers came from many different countries and all walks of life.

"We have identified schoolteachers, swimming instructors, lawyers, IT specialists," he said. [Link]

All walks of life? Really? I was expecting him to say, "All 2,500 of them are priests. Every last one of them."

I'm not quite convinced that child porn offenders come from "all walks of life," so let 's look at a few other cases.

The suspects come from all walks of life, authorities said, many of whom are self-employed or corporate white-collar professionals. [Link]

All walks of life. There it is again.

Those arrested come from all walks of life, and include a police officer, a schoolteacher and a doctor, he said. [Link]

All walks of life. We might have a pattern.

The people looking at these images came from all walks of life, and from all age groups. Many of them were actively working with children. [Link]

All walks of life. The evidence is mounting. But is it really "all walks of life"? Surely one or two professions aren't represented. What about nuclear physicists? Or marine biologists? Or Supreme Court Justices?

Perhaps "all walks of life" is a euphemism. Perhaps what they really mean to say is, "I know what you're thinking, but they weren't all priests."

Forgery 101: Don't use Sellotape!

If you're going to make counterfeit money -- and I'm not suggesting that you do -- try to make it look like real money. Don't do what a New Zealand woman did.

A Palmerston North woman out shoe shopping has been caught flat-footed after allegedly trying to pass off a crudely forged $100 bill as genuine currency.

Staff at Number 1 Shoe Warehouse phoned police on Friday  when they realised the note handed  to them was fake. [Link]

It was such a bad forgery that a blind man holding a cup on the street corner refused to accept it.

Another three $100 prints - each  with one blank side - and a fake $50  bill were later allegedly found in the  woman's purse.

The woman, 30, was to appear in  court today charged with using a  forged document.

Mr Affleck said the notes - made of paper using a colour photocopier, adhesive and Sellotape - were an "extremely poor attempt" at counterfeit.

"Basically they've just stuck two pieces of paper together and got some Sellotape to make the transparent panels," he said. "It's a pretty crude method and you can tell it's fake as soon as you touch it." [Link]

Sellotape? Even I know better than to use Sellotape. If you want to do it right, you have to use Scotch Tape!

I wonder how the interrogation went.

Cop: "Where did you learn to make forged money like this?"

Woman: "FU."

Cop: "Hey, you'd better watch it! You're in big enough trouble already."

Woman: "FU -- that's where I learned it. Forgery University."

Cop: "Oh, I see. Did you graduate?"

Woman: "No, they kicked me out in my second year. Didn't like the money I used to pay the tuition."

Photo by Taniwhaiti

The laptop thief who satisfied 'em all on eBay

If you own a laptop, you'll want to read Scott Barancik's well-researched article in the St. Petersburg Times about Eric Almly, a career thief who stole 130 laptops in the last five years or so.

In March, a clean-cut stranger wearing khaki pants and a polo shirt strolled into the Tampa headquarters of Outback Steakhouse, mingled with company staff until they left for the day and walked out with 11 laptop computers crammed into his shoulder bag.

When a security guard stopped him in the parking lot, the gifted liar convinced him he was out for a jog. Later, at his $1,800-a-month apartment along Miami Beach, the burglar erased the laptops' hard drives and began selling them via services like eBay, where he had earned a 99.4 percent customer-satisfaction rating and tens of thousands of dollars in profit. [Link]

I cringed when I read the part about erasing hard drives. I'm a grown man, but if someone erased my hard drive, I would definitely cry. "My columns! My stories! My Kournikova pics!"

Though his plain features defy Hollywood's idea of a con artist - think Leonardo DiCaprio's rakish character in Catch Me If You Can - Almly has the right resume. A determined thief since his mid teens, he has made a near science of stealing and selling laptops over the past five years. He's even developed some acting skills, if you consider perpetrating a faceless office-worker a form of theater.

"This is a very intelligent young man," an Almly defense attorney said in 1993, moments after the 18-year-old had been sentenced to serve one year on a work farm. "If he can put his intelligence to positive uses, then the sky's the limit." [Link]

I'd like to see him put his intelligence toward making license plates. Or picking up trash on the highway.

Beat first, ask questions later

Misunderstandings are the staple of comedies, but they also happen in real life and not always to comedic effect, as this story from Mumbai shows.

So many men travel by the ladies’ compartments in local trains while the Government Railway Police (GRP) look the other way.

But when the GRP did decide to act, the man at the receiving end turned out to be the train’s guard who had come to investigate a chain-pulling incident.

The incident occurred on Sunday night at Vasai. The guard, Mohammad Yasin Sheikh, 40, was badly injured after being beaten up by five GRP personnel. He is being treated at Western Railway’s Jagjivan Ram Hospital at Mumbai Central. [Link]

The policemen obviously didn't follow the GRP's Official Rules of Conduct, specifically Rule 5 in Section 3: Always attempt to identify a lawbreaker before beating him up.

On Sunday, Sheikh was on duty on a Virar-bound local when he noticed a signal that the emergency chain had been pulled by someone in the ladies’ compartment. When the local reached Vasai at 10.39 pm, he got down to investigate.

Sheikh said, “We are supposed to go to the compartment in which the chain was pulled and verify the complaint of the passengers. But as I was getting into the ladies’ compartment, the GRP constable on escort duty objected. Before I could explain, he slapped me. I fell on the platform.”

The GRP man then called a few colleagues from other platforms to help him deal with Sheikh. According to the guard, the five men beat him up without giving him a chance to explain himself. “I tried to reveal my identity but the GRP men did not allow me to speak. They kicked me and hit me with the butt of their guns,” said Sheikh. [Link]

The policemen are in trouble, of course. Not only did they break Rule 5 in Section 3, they also violated Rule 7 in Section 6: Railway personnel must not be beaten up under any circumstances, except with prior approval of the commissioner.  

Photo by Marc van der Chijs

The escape artist who duped a cop

Richard McNair, a prison escapee who was one of the U.S. Marshals Service's 15 most wanted, was recaptured this week in New Brunswick, Canada, but you can bet your last egg roll he'll be out again.

During a 20-year career as a criminal Houdini, he escaped three U.S. prisons, outsmarted authorities on both sides of the border and became proficient at hopping moving trains, disappearing on the rails in a puff of train smoke. ...

When Mr. McNair was arrested for murder in 1987, county sheriffs left him alone, handcuffed to a chair. He greased himself out of the irons with lip balm and bolted. During his escape, he jumped off a roof, missed a tree limb and fell to the ground where he was recaptured. [Link]

Lip balm? Is that all it takes to get out of handcuffs? I had no idea. I'll have to keep that in mind, just in case my wife feels like doing something kinky.

No jail has been able to keep him -- he's broken out of a North Dakota county jail in 1988, crawled to freedom through a state penitentiary ventilation duct in 1992, and infamously escaped by mailing himself out of a Pollock, La., maximum-security prison hidden under a pallet of shrink-wrapped mailbags on April 5, 2006. [Link]

He mailed himself out of prison! Why put tattoos on yourself when you can put stamps?

Inmate: "Hey Bob, why do you have stamps all over yourself?"

McNair: "Isn't it obvious? I'm a first-class male."

Wrongfully convicted better off in Canada

If you're going to be wrongfully convicted, you're better off in Canada than in America. Not only is the Canadian justice system more lenient, when (if) you're finally released from prison, you'll virtually win the lottery. In America, on the other hand, you'll be compensated like you mop floors at Wal-Mart. Take the case of a North Carolina man.

Dwayne Allen Dail, 39, was cleared in August of the 1987 rape of a 12-year-old Goldsboro girl. The girl identified him as her attacker and hair found at the scene was similar to his. But DNA evidence found on a fragment of the girl's nightgown years after the trial proved Dail wasn't involved in the attack.

Gov. Mike Easley pardoned Dail two weeks ago, making him eligible to receive $360,000 from the state – $20,000 for each year he spent in prison. [Link]

In case you were sleeping in math class, that means he served 18 years in prison. It may seem like a full sentence for a rape conviction, but Dail still had two life sentences to serve. Yes, the jury had sentenced him to two life sentences, plus 18 years. (But at least he wasn't in Saudi Arabia. He got to keep his you-know-what.)

The poor man was wrongfully convicted, served 18 years, was compensated, and what do you think happened next?

Dail, who now lives in Florida, was served Tuesday with a lawsuit by Lorraine Michaels, the mother of his son, who is seeking back child support. The suit does not specify how much money she wants, as is normal in North Carolina, but asks a "reasonable sum for the care and maintenance of the minor child." Dail did not provide while he was in prison.

Dail said he was devastated by the suit. He said his son recently moved to Florida to live with him.

"I was thrown in prison. What could I do? I missed my whole life. I missed my son's whole life. I'm not the person to be compensating anyone for anything – not me," Dail said. [Link]

Not only is the state paying him a pittance, he's being sued for part of it. When everything is said and done, he'll be lucky if he can afford to get gas. Burritos can be expensive.

It's not greed -- it's the voice of God

Richard Roberts, the president of Oral Roberts University, whose father founded the Christian institution in Tulsa, Oklahoma, has temporarily stepped down in the wake of a major scandal.

An Oct. 2 lawsuit filed by three former ORU professors says they were wrongfully dismissed and accuses Roberts of misspending at donors' expense, including numerous home remodels and a senior trip to the Bahamas for one daughter on the ministry's dime. [Link]

You have to give him a break. He has read the Ten Commandments and not one of them says: "Thou shalt not use other people's money to send your daughter to the Bahamas."

The more detailed account alleges Richard Roberts' wife, Lindsay, spent the night in the ORU guest house with an underage male "on nine separate occasions," and was photographed 29 times with an underage male in her sports car, among other allegations. [Link]

Oh, come on. She was just giving him a ride to class, as any kindhearted woman would. The nights in the guest house were also signs of her kindness: she was helping him with some cramming.

The elder Roberts founded the school, known for its 60-foot-tall bronze sculpture of praying hands, in 1963. He famously told viewers in 1987 that God told him to raise $8 million for the university or he would be "called home."

The week the lawsuit was filed, Richard Roberts said at a chapel service that God told him to deny the allegations. He said God told him: "We live in a litigious society. Anyone can get mad and file a lawsuit against another person whether they have a legitimate case or not. This lawsuit ... is about intimidation, blackmail and extortion." [Link]

If God speaks to them, who are we to judge? God knows best, after all. If he tells you to build a luxurious home with other people's money, would you say, "No, God, I can't do it." No, you would say: "Thank you so much, God. Do you mind if I also send my daughter to the Bahamas?"

The dentist who went too far

The women went to their dentist to have their teeth cleaned, but instead got a breast exam. Well, sort of.

WOODLAND, Calif. -- A Woodland dentist appeared before an administrative law judge Thursday in an effort to lift the interim suspension order on his dental license.

The judge could issue a decision on the license suspension Friday or Monday, KCRA 3 reported.Twenty-six women have come forward to say Dr. Mark Anderson touched them inappropriately during office visits.

His attorney argued that Anderson should continue practicing dentistry to support his family, which includes four small children, and to be able to financially mount his own defense. ...

Jeff Phillips, the attorney general's lawyer representing the dental board, argued that Anderson's behavior has escalated, and he has used his authority to gain access to female patients in order to fondle their breasts. [Link]

I wonder what excuse he's giving the judge:

1. I didn't mean to touch them. They just got in the way.

2. I was just getting my hands warmed up to use the drill.

3. I thought she asked me to look at her teat.

Keep your feet together, says the Ayatollah

Larry Craig is resigning from the U.S. Senate after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct in a Minneapolis bathroom. The Idaho Republican was accused of soliciting sex from a man in the adjoining stall, a man who turned out to be an undercover police officer. The transcript of the interview between the officer, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, and Craig is rather revealing, especially when comments from Grand Ayatollah Khamenei-Brown of Minnesota are included.

Karsnia: How long do you think you stood outside the stalls?

Craig: Oh a minute or two at the most.

Ayatollah: Two minutes? Off with your head!

Karsnia: Okay. And when you went in the stalls, then what?

Craig: Sat down.

Ayatollah: You sat down? Off with your head!

Karsnia: Okay. Did you do anything with your feet?

Craig: Positioned them, I don't know. I don't know at the time. I'm a fairly wide guy.

Ayatollah: Do you think I was born yesterday? Off with your head!

Karsnia: I understand.

Craig: I had to spread my legs.

Ayatollah: You spread your legs? Oh, the immorality! Off with your legs!