FunnyColumns

Kim's Fairytale 72-Day Marriage

When my wife told me that reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her husband, National Basketball Association player Kris Humphries, were getting a divorce after 72 days of marriage, I was pretty impressed. “Wow, their marriage lasted two and a half months!”

I didn’t realize they had been married that long. Two and a half months! I haven’t checked the Guinness Book, but I’m pretty certain that’s a record for a celebrity marriage involving a man who enjoys playing basketball and a woman who enjoys playing the field.

You have to give them credit. A celebrity marriage doesn’t last that long without the couple trying really hard to work things out. After the first month, they must have gone to marriage counseling; and after the second, they must have gone to Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: “Kim, you say you have some major differences with Kris. What seems to be the biggest difference between you?”

Kim: “I’d say height. He’s much taller than me.”

Dr. Phil: “No, I mean the type of differences that are causing problems in your marriage.”

Kim: “I’d say ratings. He didn’t do much for the ratings of my reality shows.”

Dr. Phil: “You’re thinking of divorcing your husband because he didn’t improve the ratings of your TV shows? Forgive me for being blunt, but are you NUTS?”

Kim (standing up to leave): “That’s it. I’m outta here. I knew this wouldn’t help.”

Dr. Phil: “Hey, come back here. You can’t leave so soon. What about MY ratings?”

Kris: “That’s all right, Dr. Phil. I’m still here. I’ve got nothing else to do. The NBA is locked out.”

Dr. Phil: “Oh, thank goodness. Tell me, Kris, when you and Kim tied the knot in that glitzy $10 million TV wedding in August, were you hoping your marriage would last forever?”

Kris: “Well, I was hoping it would last at least until Christmas.”

Dr. Phil: “But it has already lasted longer than most celebrity marriages. You’ve had a number of anniversaries. How did you celebrate them?”

Kris: “Well, for our one-week anniversary, we went to Las Vegas; for our two-week anniversary, we went to Hawaii; and for our three-week anniversary, we watched ‘Kim’s Fairytale Wedding’ on E! network again and counted all the money we made from it.”

Dr. Phil: “How romantic! What about your other anniversaries?”

Kris: “Well, we started taking each other for granted after that. I forgot all about our four-week anniversary and she made me watch 10 episodes of ‘Kim and Kourtney Take New York.’ We had a big fight on our five-week anniversary because she wanted the cameras to follow us around and I shut the door when I peed. The six-week anniversary was great because E! network had a special about it and my friends kept asking, ‘What’s the secret? How did you make it last so long?’ And I had to tell them about the ‘C’ word.”

Dr. Phil: “Commitment?”

Kris: “No, cash. The reality show producers were paying us to stay together. We couldn’t let the marriage end too soon. Besides, when you have cameras following you around, you have to try to make things work. Otherwise you’d look really stupid.”

Dr. Phil: “That’s true. Whatever happens now, you definitely won’t look stupid. Tell me, Kris, what do you think it was that attracted Kim to you?”

Kris: “Well, she likes athletes and I’m … uh … always around them. She also liked my name. It’s the same as her mother’s and it begins with ‘K.’ She told me that she’d like to have a reality show called ‘Kim and Kris: One Kardashian, Two Kaucasians.” But that was before she realized that ‘Caucasian’ doesn’t begin with a ‘K.’”

Dr. Phil: “What advice do you have for other celebrities?”

Kris: “My only advice is this: If you have to marry a Kardashian, marry one who doesn’t have a reality show.”

Britney edges out Uganda in media attention

Celebrities seem to dominate the news in North America and elsewhere. Most American teens wouldn't be able to name the capital of Uganda, but would have no trouble naming the brand of underwear Britney Spears wears. Or doesn't wear. Blogger Ethan Zuckerman has used Google News to make an interesting comparison:

If Britney were a nation, she’d be the 60th most reported nation in the world, between Jamaica and Uganda. Lindsay Lohan is receiving far less media attention right now, ranking just below #130, Mozambique. Paris Hilton is marginally less interesting than #90, Ethiopia, though Tom Cruise is just a hair more newsworthy, challenging Yemen for #89.

To break into the top ranks, it helps to run for US President, like Hillary Clinton, who ranks between #24 Singapore and #25 Vietnam. (Not to fear - she beats out Brazil and Saudi Arabia.) Barack Obama is a bit behind, ranking between #30 Switzerland and #31 Netherlands… but far more interesting than #57 Kenya. [Link]

I'm stunned. I didn't realize there were 59 countries getting more media attention than Britney. Her career is really in the pits. Jamaica is beating her and they don't even have a video out. And what about Paris Hilton? She's losing to Ethiopia, though it's been more than three years since Angelina Jolie adopted a baby from there. Even Tom Cruise is on top of Paris, but he's hardly the first man to be able to say that.