FunnyColumns

Unsung heroes of the Winter Games

Picture this: A Pakistani skier is hurtling down the slopes at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. “Come on, Muhammad, you can do it,” he says to himself. “Make your country proud.” A gold medal would be terrific and so would a silver or bronze, but Muhammad Abbas is a realistic man and knows it would be a great achievement, as the first Pakistani to ever compete in the Winter Olympics, just to finish the course ahead of the skier from India.

Abbas, 24, completed the two runs of the giant slalom in 79th place, about 43 seconds slower than the winner, Carlo Janko of Switzerland, but 14 seconds faster than India’s Jamyang Namgial, earning him a ticker-tape parade down the streets of Karachi. Perhaps even a date with Ayesha Gilani, Miss Pakistan World.

I’m not sure if Abbas was actually excited about finishing ahead of Namgial. Reporters didn’t get a chance to interview him, as he was busy carving the words “Pakistan Power” in the snow.

Namgial, one of three Winter Olympians from India, was last among skiers who completed the giant slalom. But he has plenty to be proud of. Not only did he make it to the bottom of the hill, he crossed the finish line with his entire head above the snow.

Yes, he didn’t fall on his face, sprain his ankle or suffer some other leg injury, like so many skiers who found themselves hobbling around Olympic Village on crutches, prompting one enterprising photographer to open a booth with a sign that said: “Get your Winter ‘Oh Limp’ Pics here!”

Just qualifying for the Winter Olympics was a major achievement for Namgial and cross-country skier Tashi Lundup. The Indian government doesn’t invest much money in winter sports, just a few million rupees or so, barely enough to cover the cost of importing snow from Russia.

Actually India does get some flakes in the northern regions –- and not just when the backpackers run their fingers through their hair. But with little financial support and inadequate equipment, it was quite a challenge for Namgial to learn to ski. If you don’t believe me, just try coming down a mountain slope with two cricket bats glued to your shoes.

Namgial deserves our admiration, as do the other Winter Olympians from warm-weather countries, athletes such as Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong of Ghana, Leyti Seck of Senegal and Robel Teklemariam of Ethiopia. Not only do they have little, if any, snow in their native countries, people think they’re crazy when they pour dried potato flakes down a hill.

Friend: “Hey man, why you wasting all this food?”

Athlete: “I’m not wasting it. I’m pretending it’s snow. The Ministry of Sports bought it for me.”

Friend: “You better not let them see you. I don’t think they knew what you meant when you asked them for training food.”

For Skiwell Phiri of Zambia, going to the Winter Olympics was an experience he’ll be telling his grandchildren about. I’m so glad he shared it with us through Twitter:

---“Just arrived in Vancouver. It’s so white over here -– and I’m not talkin bout the people.”

---“Brrrr … It’s freezin outside. I don’t know what’s crazier –- me coming here or Canadians complaining about global warming.”

---“Does anyone know if it’s safe to defrost my brain in the microwave?”

---“Whose idea was it to have the Winter Olympics in such a cold country anyway?”

---“I just met the Olympians from Ghana, Senegal and Ethiopia. They were in the main lounge of Olympic Village, huddled around the fireplace.”

---“It’s time to go home. I enjoyed the Winter Olympics, despite the weather. Maybe next time I’ll come as a competitor.”

Sorry, no tobacco or champagne

There's a new coffee house in Winnipeg, one that hopes to maintain a family-friendly atmostphere.

When Christine Shuwera decided to open a business in her new neighbourhood of Point Douglas, she didn’t concentrate too much on the things she wanted to sell. Her focus was on the things it wouldn’t offer.

“I wanted to open up something that didn’t involve alcohol or gambling,” said Shuwera, who bought a house in the neighbourhood five years ago, and always lamented the lack of a “comfy, cozy place to have a cup of coffee.”

So Shuwera decided to take matters into her own hands, opening Willow’s Coffee House last November on Sutherland Avenue between McFarlane and Annabella streets in the rapidly recovering neighbourhood. [Link]

What has the response been? Just ask one of the employees.

Karie Tobacco-Champagne is one of two Willow’s employees, both of whom are members of the local community. She said that Willow’s has established a base of regular customers who are eager to support such a vital neighbourhood business.

“Everyone is happy to be here,” she said. “All the homemade soups and sandwiches and the beef stew have been pretty popular.” [Link]

Sounds good, but what do the local drinkers and smokers think?

Drinker and smoker: "It's not fair! You guys are teasing us!"

Cofee house owner: "What do you mean?"

Drinker and smoker: "Well, you don't serve us tobacco and champagne here, but you have Tobacco-Champagne serving us. It's just not right!"

Fake passports get Jet Airways in trouble

Jet Airways, one of India's largest airlines, has been given a warning: do a better job catching people traveling on fake passports or you might not be able to travel yourself. Travel to Canada, that is.

Agents for Citizenship and Immigration Canada and the Canada Border Service Agency have discovered dozens of Jet Airways passengers arriving at Toronto's Pearson International Airport with fake travel documents in recent months, five sources familiar with the matter told the Star.

After pressure from Canadian officials, Jet has reassigned responsibility for passenger security checks to its security division from its customer service department.

"We want to root out this menace as much as anyone," said Ragini Chopra, a Jet spokesperson. [Link]

Compared to the customer service department, the security division may do a better job of detecting fake passports. But they may also do a better job of detecting money inside them.

In most cases, a person with an extensive international travel history applied for and received a legitimate Canadian visa.

The photo page of their Indian passport was then replaced with a doctored one and used by a different person. [Link]

Whether it's patients or documents, Indians are good at being doctors. Just don't take a closer look at that medical degree.

Yes, Indians are experts at doctoring. How else do you think I'm a citizen of ten countries?

Passengers involved in the scam have applied for refugee status after their arrival in Toronto, and remain in Canada.

Under Canadian immigration law, most people who arrive at a port of entry are entitled to make a claim for refugee status.

Investigators involved in rooting out the scam said reservations for Canadian hotels were made over the Internet and a printout was produced to show border agents in Toronto.

"The hotels were a good tipoff," one immigration investigator told the Star. "The reservations were all at hotels on the airport strip in Mississauga.

"If you're spending all that money to travel around the world and come to Canada in November, why would you book a reservation for two weeks on the airport strip?" [Link]

Well, maybe you got a little excited when you saw the word "strip."

I'm glad that Canada allows such people to apply for refugee status. Better to give everyone a fair hearing than to summarily kick them out. Most commenters on The Toronto Star's website, however, want to see the boot meeting the butt:

No questions asked, send them back.

Without wasting a single moment illegals should be sent back upon their arrival in Canadia. Such individuals also bring a bad name to the people of their own country who are living here by legal means.

And while we're it, we should kick out anyone who doesn't know how to spell 'Canada.'