FunnyColumns

Sorry, no tobacco or champagne

There's a new coffee house in Winnipeg, one that hopes to maintain a family-friendly atmostphere.

When Christine Shuwera decided to open a business in her new neighbourhood of Point Douglas, she didn’t concentrate too much on the things she wanted to sell. Her focus was on the things it wouldn’t offer.

“I wanted to open up something that didn’t involve alcohol or gambling,” said Shuwera, who bought a house in the neighbourhood five years ago, and always lamented the lack of a “comfy, cozy place to have a cup of coffee.”

So Shuwera decided to take matters into her own hands, opening Willow’s Coffee House last November on Sutherland Avenue between McFarlane and Annabella streets in the rapidly recovering neighbourhood. [Link]

What has the response been? Just ask one of the employees.

Karie Tobacco-Champagne is one of two Willow’s employees, both of whom are members of the local community. She said that Willow’s has established a base of regular customers who are eager to support such a vital neighbourhood business.

“Everyone is happy to be here,” she said. “All the homemade soups and sandwiches and the beef stew have been pretty popular.” [Link]

Sounds good, but what do the local drinkers and smokers think?

Drinker and smoker: "It's not fair! You guys are teasing us!"

Cofee house owner: "What do you mean?"

Drinker and smoker: "Well, you don't serve us tobacco and champagne here, but you have Tobacco-Champagne serving us. It's just not right!"

Selling cars all the way to the blue yonder

Arizona car salesman Chuck P. Dimmick has died, but he's still selling cars. Just take a look at his obituary.

Dimmick, Chuck P.
born December 29, 1958 in Riverside, CA passed away suddenly on April 18, 2009 while attending a NASCAR race to watch his favorite driver, Jeff Gordon. Chuck was the loving husband of Kristen and devoted father of Dillon. Chuck was the Director of Marketing for the Lund Cadillac Group. We are sure he would still want all to know that 0.9% financing is still available on all New 2008 Hummer H2's. A mass celebrating Chuck's life will be held at 11:00 AM on Friday, April 24th at St. Patrick's Church - 10815 N. 84th St. Scottsdale, AZ. Arrangements handled by Hansen Desert Hill Mortuary 480-991-5800. In Lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the Dillon Dimmick Donation Fund at any Bank of America. [Link]

Wherever he is, Chuck is probably smiling. Chuck, I have only one thing to say to you: R.I.P. (Reduced Interest Pleases!)

Outsourced jobs that make you smoke and drink

Many call-center workers in India serve customers in America and are expected to speak with American accents. That's not a big problem. But once they start talking like Americans, they soon find themselves eating, drinking and gaining weight like Americans. Some of them wake up to find tattoos on their bodies, blonde hair on their heads and guns under their beds. Well, perhaps not all of that is happening. But some of it definitely is, as Laurie Goering writes in the Chicago Tribune.

Indians may have taken over three-quarters of the world's call-center jobs, but they've also taken on the stresses of those jobs: weight gain, depression, boredom and, often, relationship troubles.

Worse, for the legions in India busy helping Americans reboot their hard drives or refinance their mortgages, the problems are often more severe, both because of cultural differences and because the work, by virtue of time differences with the U.S., largely takes place at night.

"There are a lot of pressures on people. The jobs are very stressful and not very creative," said Karuna Baskar, a director of 1to1help.net, a Bangalore-based counseling service that was contracted by 27 mainly information technology and call-center offices in India to work with troubled employees.

As more and more Indians spend their nights drinking too many colas, trying to sound like Americans and dealing with impatient clients on the other end of the phone line, "it's very clearly showing up in health problems and also tiredness and irritability," Baskar said. "At work and with their families, they're more irritable than they should be, and that's affecting their relationships." [Link]

Yes, many young Indians are becoming more irritable. Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are becoming very polite. They're always saying "please" and "thank you," as in "Please may I have my job back" and "Thank you for considering my application."

Other call-center workers end up packing on weight when they trade home-cooked meals with family, still a staple in India, for a diet of fast food, often the only thing available when they arrive home looking for dinner at 3 a.m. or breakfast at 8 p.m. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are eating more home-cooked meals, having moved back in with Mom and Dad. They've got more time to exercise, more time to mow the lawn and wash the car.

In India, drinking, smoking and drug use are still relatively rare, especially among women. But call-center workers are taking up the habits with disturbing zeal, researchers say, either to cope with stress or to project an air of hip modernity.

A study last year in the Indian Journal of Sleep Medicine found that 40 percent of call-center workers surveyed smoked, compared with 7 percent of a control group, and 36 percent had more than two alcoholic drinks a week, against 2 percent of the control group. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs have given up smoking. It's too expensive. They've also stopped drinking, aside from an occasional swig, whenever Dad forgets to lock the liquor cabinet.

Photo by dgrobinson

Termites terminate man's retirement

When you put valuables in a bank's safe deposit boxes, the last thing you expect to hear is that termites attacked them. This is the 21st century after all. We get our cash from machines, we pay our bills online and we see ourselves on TV every time we enter a bank. But not all banks are so advanced. At least one bank in India uses wooden safe deposit boxes, along with a tiny sign that says, "Welcome Termites!"

A trader in the Indian state of Bihar has lost his life savings after termites infesting his bank's safe deposit boxes ate them up.

Dwarika Prasad had deposited currency notes and investment papers worth hundreds of thousands of rupees in a bank safe in the state capital Patna.

The bank says it put up a notice warning customers of the termites.

Mr Prasad says he did not see it in time as he did not go to the bank for months after the notice went up.

Bank officials admit they did not inform the customers individually about the termite problem.

"I'm shattered. I do not know what to do as I had kept the money for my old age," Mr Prasad said.

The trader says he had deposited 450,000 rupees ($11,000) in currency notes, investment papers worth 232,000 rupees ($5,660) and some gold and silver jewellery in a safe deposit box of the government-owned Central Bank of India.

Mr Prasad says that relations with his wife and children were strained and he wanted to put the money in the safe box to keep it safe from them. [Link]

He's an idiot for putting cash in a safe deposit box. Doesn't he know that the safest place to keep your money is under your mattress? That way, you can sleep well at night, knowing that the lump is still there.

But I also blame the bank. They were negligent in three ways: (1) They used wooden safe deposit boxes; (2) they didn't warn customers adequately; and (3) they failed to install mini security cameras to watch for termites.

No matter whom you blame, you've got to feel sorry for Prasad.

Reporter: "Mr. Prasad, what are your plans now? Are you going to be able to retire?"

Prasad: "No, I can't afford to retire. I'm going to start a second career."

Reporter: "A second career? What are you going to do?"

Prasad: "I'm going to be an exterminator."

Reporter: "You're going to kill termites?"

Prasad: "No, bankers."

Wear black pajamas, watch the funeral online

You can watch just about anything online these days, especially if you're willing to pay for it. You can even pay your last respects to a loved one.

Mourners unable to attend their loved ones' funerals now have a chance to see the event live on the internet.

The pioneering scheme has been launched because family members are often spread across the globe.

A website allows relatives and friends the opportunity to pay their last respects without travelling to the ceremony.

Services are already being streamed on to the web from the first eight participating crematoriums in the UK, with remote mourners paying £75.

Users are given a password that allows them to see the service live online with just a 20-second delay – or up to seven days after the event.

The funerals are filmed by a discreet camera at the back of the chapel. [Link]

For an extra fee, you can probably get the funeral director to do some commentary. "Great eulogy! Lots of emotion! It's obvious that she really cared for her father. Don't touch that keyboard. The widow is coming up next."

The company behind the scheme – Wesley Music, based in Kettering, Northamptonshire – is also offering DVDs of the funerals for £50, or a sound recording for £25. [Link]

I can already hear the commentary at my funeral: "Nobody wanted to make a DVD of him when he was alive, but now that he's dead, we expect to sell hundreds of them."

Director Alan Jeffrey says online funerals are an extra option for mourners rather than a money-spinning venture and similar schemes are already on offer in Australia and Brazil.

He added: "Families are split geographically more than ever and far-flung members are feeling excluded from such an important gathering. The idea originated out of helping an elderly relative in Australia who could not make it back here for a family funeral. [Link]

People who live too far away will certainly benefit, but so will people who are too busy or too lazy.

Dave: "Sorry to hear about your uncle, Bob. He was such a nice man. Did you go to the funeral?"

Bob: "No, Liverpool was playing. But I did order the DVD."

Dave: "Super! Let me know when you watch it. I'd like to come and pay my respects."

Photo by Simon East

More daylight robbery at banks

If you're my age or older, you probably remember the good ol' days when you could use an ATM without paying a fee. Things started changing in the mid-1990s and I expressed my outrage in one of my columns.

Withdrawing money from the bank used to be so convenient. You could visit a money machine almost anywhere. Without paying a cent, you could get enough cash to buy a television or put a large down payment on some basketball shoes.  

But a couple of years ago some banks started charging a fee. If you didn't have an account with them, you had to pay at least a dollar to withdraw money at their ATM (Automated Theft Machine).

Other banks followed suit and now the majority charge a fee. Some even charge as much as $3, more than most of us save in a year. That's a steep fee, especially when you're trying to withdraw $5.

To their credit, banks have tried to make ATMs much safer for us. They've installed bright lights and security cameras. They don't want anyone else robbing us. [Link]

A decade later, the robbery continues unabated.

Chase, which leads the Chicago market in the number of branches and automated teller machines, has hiked the fee it charges non-customers to use most cash dispensers nationally to $3, one of the highest surcharges in the industry.

Previously in Chicago, Chase charged $2. In other markets, Chase might have charged non-customers as little as $1.50.

The increase was effective Jan. 13.

"The extensive Chase ATM network is a convenience we provide our customers," Chase spokeswoman Christine Holevas explained. "Non Chase customers pay a fee for that convenience." [Link]

Well, you can charge 50 cents for the convenience, but anything more is robbery, plain and simple. Sure, the people who withdraw money are agreeing to be robbed, but sometimes they don't have a choice. It's not like there are a dozen ATMs in every mall or grocery store. Usually one bank has a monopoly and if you don't have an account there, the only thing you can do is hand your wallet to the masked gunman.

Five tips for Chinese restaurants

My wife and I have eaten at dozens of Chinese restaurants. A few were just superb -- great food, great atmosphere, great service -- but most were lacking in one or more areas. We usually leave a decent tip for the waiter or waitress, but what I'd really like to do is leave several tips for the entire staff:

1. If you're waiting on us, we'd really prefer it if you aren't eating at the same time at a nearby table. We know you're hungry too, but could you get someone else to wait on us, someone who doesn't have to finish chewing quickly whenever we need something?

2. We know English isn't your first language, but we'd really appreciate it if you could get someone to proofread the menus, perhaps a student from the local school who made it past the first round of the spelling bee. That way, we won't be confused by items like "brockoli and aspire gas" and "sweet and shower pork." (Please ignore this tip if all you're trying to do is give us a little entertainment.)

3. We're glad you get along well with your co-workers, but our idea of a good time isn't listening to loud conversations between you and the dishwasher. If you must do it, please do it in English, so we don't have to wonder what you're saying about us. "Look at him! He stir coffee with chop stick!"

4. We know you have to keep busy -- you can't just stand beside our table and watch us trying to decipher the menu. It's perfectly okay with us if you sort silverware or refill the salt shakers, but we'd be extremely grateful if you didn't sit at the next table and chop beef. It just isn't very appetizing, even if you're careful to wipe your hands on your apron before bringing us the "sweet and shower pork."

5. We're from India. When we say we like our food spicy, we mean that we'd like our tongues to be on fire. "Mild" and "medium" just don't cut it. There's got to be a fire somewhere. If you can't set our tongues on fire, then at least fire the cook.