Nshima & Curry

Meet the Patels

Britain has more than 250,000 Patels, six of them pictured above. Clare James of BBC News writes about a matchmaking event for Patels at a community centre in Wembley, north London.

As the guests arrive they are handed lists relating first names (surnames are obviously a given at this do), ages, qualifications and occupations of their opposite numbers, together with the names of the villages their forefathers came from.

"You look for the village where your own folks come from," one of the girls explains. "But you can't link up with someone who's from your own village because they'll be too close, like your cousin or your brother."

So marrying your cousin is out. And so, traditionally, is marrying outside your caste. To help people sort through these complications each caste has its own directories, some up to 1,000 pages thick. They're arranged alphabetically by village and detail people's names, addresses and the details of any eligible sons and daughters.

"It's like a database so we can know how many Patels there are," says Ramesh Patel, president of the Yorkshire Leuva Patel Society (Leuva being the farming or landowning caste).

"We can find out whether someone's son or daughter is suitable for mine - their ages, whether they have a degree. Then we can introduce them and if they like each other, fair enough. If not, by all means move on."  [BBC News]

"If they like each other, fair enough" is certainly an improvement over "if they're fair enough, they like each other." But they're still too attached to the caste system, which means that the single men in the Yorkshire Leuva Patel Society will never get their hands on the lovely ladies in the Yorkshire Pudding Society.

Bradford restaurateur Bobby Patel says enterprise and the instinct for "an environment to make money" is "engrained in the Patels".

Nowhere is it more successfully engrained than in Bhikhu and Vijay Patel, owners of the Basildon-based pharmaceutical company Waymade Healthcare. Joint 141st on the annual Sunday Times Rich List, they're worth £370m - even after the credit crunch.

In 2000, the Rich List database threw up the interesting idea that you're seven times more likely to be a millionaire if you're called Patel than if you're called Smith. Which may be one reason they like to stick together.

Defining the extended family's philosophy, Bikhu says simply: "One works very hard, looks after the family and always saves a little for a rainy day."

"When you earn £100 you want to earn £200. You try to do better and better for your children, talk to any Patel and they want to educate their kids. This may not be unique to Patels, our values are very similar to other Indians, but we seem to excel at it." [BBC News]

Yes, Indians love to educate their children. Those other kids in college -- the whites and blacks and Chinese -- they're just there because their parents were looking for a good way to burn their life savings.

I know Patels who want their kids to get advanced degrees and I also know Patels who just want their kids to learn how to say, "Thank you for shopping at our store. Please come again."

No lashes, but 15 days in jail for Gibbons

Gillian Gibbons, the British teacher who let her students name a teddy bear Muhammad, has been convicted of insulting Islam and sentenced to 15 days in prison, after which she'll be booted out of Sudan. The judge could have sentenced her to 40 lashes and six months in prison, but was apparently swayed by a defense motion requesting him to use part of his brain.

The sentence, which seems intended to appease both sides, has not satisfied anyone, though some are more upset than others.

Thousands of Sudanese, many armed with clubs and knives, rallied Friday in a central square and demanded the execution of a British teacher convicted of insulting Islam for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Muhammad."

The protesters streamed out of mosques after Friday sermons, as pickup trucks with loudspeakers blared messages against Gillian Gibbons, the teacher who was sentenced Thursday to 15 days in prison and deportation. She avoided the more serious punishment of 40 lashes.

They massed in central Martyrs Square outside the presidential palace, where hundreds of riot police were deployed. They did not try to stop the rally, which lasted about an hour.

"Shame, shame on the U.K.," protesters chanted.

They called for Gibbons' execution, saying, "No tolerance: Execution," and "Kill her, kill her by firing squad." [Link]

Asked if he was just as upset about the genocide in Darfur, one of the protesters pondered the question for a moment, then shouted, "Kill her, kill her by firing squad!"

A Muslim cleric at Khartoum's main Martyrs Mosque denounced Gibbons during one sermon, saying she intentionally insulted Islam. He did not call for protests, however.

"Imprisoning this lady does not satisfy the thirst of Muslims in Sudan. But we welcome imprisonment and expulsion," the cleric, Abdul-Jalil Nazeer al-Karouri, a well-known hard-liner, told worshippers. [Link]

They're thirsty? Perhaps they shouldn't be trying to dig a grave for Gibbons. Perhaps they should be trying to dig a well.

Muhammad Abdul Bari, secretary-general of the Muslim Council of Britain, accused the Sudanese authorities of "gross overreaction."

"This case should have required only simple common sense to resolve. It is unfortunate that the Sudanese authorities were found wanting in this most basic of qualities," he said. [Link]

Muhammad sounds upset. But if you ask his family, they'll tell you that he's kind and gentle. You might even call him a teddy bear.

The satellite technology that helps you go

If you're shopping in London and desperate to hit the loo, satellite technology may help you pinpoint the nearest one, saving you the trouble of asking someone.

First came SatNav, the satellite system that helps guide even the most hapless drivers home - now the "SatLav" has been unveiled, to guide shoppers to the nearest toilet. [Link]

SatNav is short for satellite navigation and SatLav for satellite lavatory (SatLoo was probably taken). I wonder what's next:

SatKid -- helps you find your child after you're done shopping.

SatMan -- helps you find the bench on which your man has sat.

SatBag -- helps you find the nearest sale on handbags.

SatWinder -- helps you find CDs of your favorite Punjabi singer.

It is one of a growing number of services available to mobile phone users, who can already use their handsets to get directions or find taxis, plumbers or even recycling centres.

The technology used in SatLav is similar to that in modern GPS systems. The user simply sends a text message with the word 'toilet' to 80097, and a satellite pinpoints their location.

The satellite picks up the mobile phone's signal and uses it to find the location of the nearest phone mast.

From that it establishes the post code in which the user is standing, which it sends to a database containing all of the toilets registered with the scheme.

The database then automatically finds a toilet that matches the postcode and sends a text message back to the user with the information. The entire process takes just seconds. [Link]

It had better take just seconds. Otherwise you'll be standing cross-legged for a few minutes, then cursing your cell phone when you see the message: "Nearest toilet is half a mile away. You could have been there already."

Robert Thurner, commercial director of mobile technology company Incentivated, which developed SatLav and maintains the database of toilets, said that the latest mobile technology was "making residents' lives easier". ...

SatLav was developed by the council with Incentivated and is the brainchild of student Gail Knight, who entered the idea into a council competition.

Miss Knight, 26, said: "When I am out with friends we are always ducking into McDonalds or department stores to use their loos but we feel a bit bad about it." [Link]

Almost everyone has sneaked into McDonald's at one time or another, which is why the fast-food chain is able to say, "Billions and billions served."

Westminster councillor Alan Bradley said: "From today onwards nobody should get caught short again, and we understand how important that is, be it for a young mum with children in tow, older people or friends on a shopping trip or a night out."

It is hoped that giving people a service to tell them where their nearest toilet is might also encourage them not to urinate on the street after a night on the town. [Link]

Yeah, because after they've had a night on the town, they're going to have the good sense to use their cell phones to find the nearest toilet. For such people, it would make more sense to offer another service: SatTree.

Photo by iLoveButter

We're outraged that they're outraged

Her students chose the name Muhammad for the teddy bear and she assented; now the British teacher in Sudan faces a potential punishment of 40 lashes. Welcome to another episode of "As the world goes insane."

The country's top Muslim clerics pressed the government to ensure that the teacher, Gillian Gibbons, is punished, comparing her action to author Salman Rushdie's "blasphemies" against the Prophet Muhammad.

The charges against Gibbons angered the British government, which urgently summoned the Sudanese ambassador to discuss the case. British and American Muslim groups also criticized the decision.

Gibbons, 54, was arrested at her home in Khartoum on Sunday after some parents of her students accused her of naming the bear after Islam's prophet. Muhammad is a common name among Muslim men, but the parents saw applying it to a toy animal as an insult. [Link]

An insult? Someone needs to tell them that a teddy bear is considered a cuddly, lovable toy. It's not like she gave the name 'Muhammad' to a red monster with a big orange nose. (No offense, Elmo. You're pretty lovable too.)

Sudanese Prosecutor-General Salah Eddin Abu Zaid said Gibbons was charged with inciting religious hatred and her case would be referred to courts Thursday.

If convicted, she faces up to 40 lashes, six months in jail and a fine, said Abdul-Daem Zumrawi, an undersecretary at the Justice Ministry. [Link]

You know who deserves 40 lashes? The parents who made a case of this. All they needed to do was tell Gibbons they were offended and, as British MP  Boris Johnson suggests, "she could have apologised; she could have instantly changed the name of the mascot to Paddington, or some other name less offensive to Muslims. She could have called it Aloysius, like the chap in Evelyn Waugh, and though Aloysius is a pretty emetic name for a teddy bear, no one would have suggested locking her up."

Muslim leaders in Britain and the U.S. strongly rejected the charges against Gibbons.

"This is a disgraceful decision and defies common sense," said Muhammad Abdul Bari, secretary-general of the Muslim Council of Britain. He said there was "clearly no intention" by the teacher to "deliberately insult the Islamic faith."

The American Islamic Congress also criticized the decision. "The Sudanese government's ridiculous case trivializes the feelings of Muslims around the world," said Nasser Weddady, the organization's civil rights outreach director. [Link]

It may come as a shock to some people, but not all Muslims think alike. Most of them are just like you and I: sane.

Whatever you do, make sure you have the right guy

Mistaken identity can result in some funny situations, as it did last year when the BBC interviewed the wrong 'Guy.' Guy Goma, a Congolese man, was at their studio in London applying for a job, while Guy Kewney, the editor of a technology website, was there to be interviewed about a high court verdict on music downloading. The wrong Guy was put on the air and the video of the interview still makes me laugh. Goma's expression when he's introduced is priceless.

But mistaken identity can also result in some tragic situations, as it did recently when a Tanzanian hospital got two men with the same first name mixed up.

The Tanzanian man who had a knee operation when he had a tumour in his brain, has died after finally having the operation he required.

Emmanuel Mgaya, 19, died hours after the surgery, performed two weeks late.

Meanwhile, Emmanuel Didas, 20, who had brain surgery although his complaint was in the knee, is slowly recovering but he remains partially paralysed.

The government has apologised for the mix-up, which has been blamed on both men having the same first name. [Link]

Yeah, that's why a really smart person, many years ago, decided that people should have last names! People also have dates of birth and identification numbers that should prevent any mix ups, if the doctors and nurses are wide awake and sober.

Mr Didas cannot move his right side following the unnecessary operation. ...

Health Minister David Mwakyusa said a commission has been set up to investigate the saga and pledged to send Mr Didas to India for specialised treatment. [Link]

They had originally planned to send him to a hospital in Britain, but were concerned that Guy Goma might be applying for a job there.

Mr Mgaya was also due to have treatment in India but died before this was possible. ...

His family say they are not planning to sue the government - they always knew he only had a 50% chance of survival, as the tumour had grown so large. [Link]

If they don't file a lawsuit, I hope Didas does. That would help keep the hospital accountable. If he can't find a good lawyer, there's a guy in London who's willing to act like one.

Bicycle questions we never asked before

A strange crime in Britain has me asking a question I've never pondered before: Is it okay to have sex with a bicycle? It's obviously not normal, but should it also be illegal? Should we really care what a man and his bicycle do to each other in the privacy of their home?

The case of a man convicted of simulating sex with his bicycle has sparked a debate about human rights and the privacy of an individual.

Internet message boards have been buzzing with comment about the case of Robert Stewart, 51, from Ayr.

He was reported by cleaners at a hostel who unlocked his door and found him engaged in a sex act with his bike.

Stewart was put on the Sex Offenders' Register, which some posters said was an over-reaction by the sheriff.

Stewart admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex. As well as being put on register for three years, he was put on probation for the same length of time. [Link]

He was put on the Sex Offenders' Register? That's pretty harsh punishment, especially in a country that, last I checked, wasn't being ruled by an Ayatollah.

Just think what will happen to Stewart when he moves to a new neighborhood. Everyone will be concerned about having a registered sex offender around. "Oh no," they'll say, "we need to protect our bicycles from him. We can't leave them outside anymore." Stewart will have to be careful whenever someone rides past him, otherwise he might get scolded: "Hey, don't look at my bicycle that way!"

This case raises several other important questions:

Is it time to create a support group for bicycles? Or should we just offer them counseling?

Until what age should a bicycle be considered a minor?

Do we need to send petitions to Borders and other bookstores, urging them to move Bicycle Magazine to the same shelf as Playboy?

Should the government create more laws to address this issue, such as a law requiring all bicycles to be fully clothed?

Photo by Seadling