Nshima & Curry

Proposed agreement between Aishwarya and Freida

WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan (née Rai) won the Miss World contest in 1994, bringing glory to India and paving the way for three lesser beauties to win the same title.

WHEREAS, Freida Pinto was a model who appeared in ads for Hutch, Airtel and Wrigley’s Chewing Gum, but was not selected by L'Oréal, the world's largest cosmetics and beauty company, to grace billboards in New York, Toronto and other major cities around the world, causing innumerable men to drive their cars into telephone poles.

WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan has long been known as “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World,” a title bestowed on her by none other than Julia Roberts, which, along with the acronym TMBWIIW, is widely recognized as her trademark, in much the same way as Angelina Jolie is widely considered to possess the trademark of TMBWITWOTA, or “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World Other Than Aishwarya.”

WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan has appeared in 40 movies, has been crowned the “Queen of Bollywood,” and is a favorite of Mani Ratnam, Ashutosh Gowariker and other top directors who have created blockbusters featuring such acclaimed stars as Amitabh Bachchan, Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Bachchan.

WHEREAS, Freida Pinto has appeared in just one English movie, a role that required her mainly to smile and look pretty, while Aishwarya Bachchan has starred in several English movies such as Bride and Prejudice, Mistress of Spices and The Pink Panther 2, roles that required her to not just smile and look pretty, but also flutter her eyelashes.

Getting Romantic, the Nigerian way

Okay, I admit it. It's been a long time since I wrote anything romantic. My days of writing romatic poetry are long gone -- and my wife should be thankful for that, because my poetry was as impressive as Al Gore's dancing. These days, I just get my wife a card, one that expresses exactly how I'm feeling. So perhaps I shouldn't be too hard on all the Nigerians who are buying Femi Emmanuel's book "Touching the heart through unforgettable text messages (vol.2)." Thanks to him, here's what might happen:

Your mobile phone beeps, you have received a text message.

It begins: "I swear, I will make sure I give you HIV..."

...

"H is for Happiness and joy forever with an I: Incomparable love that will never V: Vanish until death do us part. I love you," the message concludes. [Link]

What do you think? Funny? Romantic? Both? Perhaps it works in Nigeria, but I don't think it would score high on the romance scale in North America, except perhaps with college students who've had a little too much to drink. I'm not really surprised where Emmanuel gets his inspiration.

"I was watching a Bollywood film and the main actor said to his female lead 'hey baby, I'm a crazy lover'," Mr Emmanuel told the BBC.

"I thought 'that's good,' I paused the DVD and copied down the subtitles."

The text message threatening HIV was inspired by watching a Nigerian film.

"In the film, a man threatened a woman with giving her HIV. I thought how could I turn this acronym into a message?"

"You could send the first sentence on its own," he says.

"You are putting them in suspense, to create fear, and then you follow up with the interpretation that will give them joy and happiness." [Link]

He must be doing something right -- he has sold thousands of copies of his books, bringing himself lots of joy and happiness. Perhaps it's just me who has lost touch with what's considered romantic. After all, check out these "romantic texts" that several BBC readers contributed:

My love for you is like Diarrhea, it flows like a river.
Salan, Dubai

A good friend is like a good bra. Hard to find, comfortable, supportive, prevents you from falling, holds you tight and is always close to your heart. You'll forever be my BRA!
Olawale B, London

u r the only mosquito in my net
Patrick, London [Link]

Perhaps I should try the BRA line on my wife. On second thought, I may never see hers again.