Nshima & Curry

Goodness gracious, I've won the lottery!

I don't know how it happened, but I've won a lottery. I just got an email from the desk of the vice president of International Promotions in the Prize Awards Department of the Australian International Sweepstakes Lottery Corp.

You hereby have been approved a prize of US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION DOLLARS) in cash credit file ref: ILP/HW 47509/02 from the total cash prize shared amongst eight lucky winners in this category. All participants were selected through a computer balloting system drawn from One hundred thousand E-mail addresses from Canada, Australia, United States, Asia, Europe, Middle East and Africa as part of our international promotions program which is conducted annually.

Wow, that's fantastic.  I love the Australians. Such generous people. I have only one question: Should I quit my job now or wait until I get the money?

This Lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate of some multinational companies in Australia as part of their social responsibility to the citizens in the communities where they have operational base.

I've always believed in social responsibility, especially the type of social responsibility that gives me one million bucks.

Further more your details(e-mail address) falls within our European representative office in Amsterdam,Holland, as indicated in your play coupon and your prize of US$1,000,000.00 will be released to you from our Australian regional branch bureau in NIGERIA.

The money will be released from Nigeria? That's wonderful! I grew up in Africa, so this must be some kind of divine providence. Did I mention that Australia and Nigeria are my favorite countries?

Simply contact our Fiducial Agent, DR. Felix Williams.at (ausllotto_agent004@yahoo.com) to file for your claim. Please quote your Date of draw, Reference Number, Batch Number and Winning Number, which can be found on the top-left corner of this message. Also, you should give in your telephone number to help locate your file easily. For security reasons, we advice all winners to keep this information confidential from the public until your claim is processed and your prize has been released to you.

Of course I'll keep it confidential. I won't tell a soul, except for my wife, children and extended family. My wife is going to be so excited.

Me: "One million bucks, honey! And I didn't even have to buy a ticket!"

Malathi: "Are you sure it's real?"

Me: "Of course it's real. Just look at the email address of their Fiducial Agent: ausllotto_agent004@yahoo.com. Doesn't that look real?"

Malathi: "Oh, I'm so happy! I can't wait to tell my relatives. I never told you this before, but some of them actually believed that marrying you would never pay off."

Me: "That's amazing!"

Malathi: "What's amazing? That some of them thought you'd never be a success?"

Me: "No, that some of them thought I would."

Photo by tobym

You can't say that, Santa

Santas have been saying "ho, ho, ho" for ages, but some in Australia are being told that it's just not right anymore.

Santas across Sydney are rebelling against attempts to ban their traditional greeting of "ho, ho, ho" in favour of "ha, ha, ha".

Recruitment firm Westaff - which supplies hundreds of Santas across the country - has told its trainees that the "ho ho ho" phrase could frighten children and could even be derogatory to women.

Two Santa hopefuls reportedly quit the course because of the hullabaloo of the ho, ho, ho.

One would-be Santa has told The Daily Telegraph he was taught not to use "ho, ho, ho" because it was too close to the American slang for prostitute. He also quit. [Link]

Girl: "Daddy, Santa called me a ho."

Dad: "He did?"

Girl: "Yes, Daddy. Three times!"

Dad: "Three times? Let me have a word with him. Hey Santa!"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho!"

Dad: "You calling me a ho?"

Santa: "Ha, ha, ha!"

Dad: "You think it's funny?"

Santa: "No, no, no!"

Dad: "Then why did you say that? You shouldn't be calling anyone a ho." (Pulls Santa's beard)

Santa: "Ow, ow, ow!"

Photo by ophotn

The bay of pigs down under

Australia is having trouble with wild pigs -- and I'm not talking about college students who've had too much to drink.

Experts in the northern state of Queensland say that the pig population is out of control.

The pigs are causing untold damage to crops as well as threatening native wildlife, they say.

It is estimated there are 23m wild pigs in Australia. That means there are now more pigs than people. [Link]

More pigs than people? The pigs need to get together and demand majority rule. Perhaps they can form a coalition government with all those kangaroos. Their first order of business: banning hunting.

Pig hunting has been popular with rural Australians for decades. The sport even has its own magazines. Bacon Busters has a regular 'Babes and Boars' page, featuring photographs of bikini-clad young women sitting astride dead pigs.

But amateur hunters are struggling to control pig numbers and the battle against the boar is increasingly turning professional.

Two years ago ex-soldier Paul Smith set up Boar Busters, a professional pig trapping business run with military discipline.

Since then he and his trappers have caught and shot 1,200 pigs in the rainforests and farmland surrounding the coastal town of Mission Beach. [Link]

That's 1,200 down, 22,998,800 to go. Smith once fought in Iraq and was apparently inspired to get a new career when he heard a fellow soldier shout, "Kill those insurgent pigs!"