Nshima & Curry

Outsourced jobs that make you smoke and drink

Many call-center workers in India serve customers in America and are expected to speak with American accents. That's not a big problem. But once they start talking like Americans, they soon find themselves eating, drinking and gaining weight like Americans. Some of them wake up to find tattoos on their bodies, blonde hair on their heads and guns under their beds. Well, perhaps not all of that is happening. But some of it definitely is, as Laurie Goering writes in the Chicago Tribune.

Indians may have taken over three-quarters of the world's call-center jobs, but they've also taken on the stresses of those jobs: weight gain, depression, boredom and, often, relationship troubles.

Worse, for the legions in India busy helping Americans reboot their hard drives or refinance their mortgages, the problems are often more severe, both because of cultural differences and because the work, by virtue of time differences with the U.S., largely takes place at night.

"There are a lot of pressures on people. The jobs are very stressful and not very creative," said Karuna Baskar, a director of 1to1help.net, a Bangalore-based counseling service that was contracted by 27 mainly information technology and call-center offices in India to work with troubled employees.

As more and more Indians spend their nights drinking too many colas, trying to sound like Americans and dealing with impatient clients on the other end of the phone line, "it's very clearly showing up in health problems and also tiredness and irritability," Baskar said. "At work and with their families, they're more irritable than they should be, and that's affecting their relationships." [Link]

Yes, many young Indians are becoming more irritable. Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are becoming very polite. They're always saying "please" and "thank you," as in "Please may I have my job back" and "Thank you for considering my application."

Other call-center workers end up packing on weight when they trade home-cooked meals with family, still a staple in India, for a diet of fast food, often the only thing available when they arrive home looking for dinner at 3 a.m. or breakfast at 8 p.m. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are eating more home-cooked meals, having moved back in with Mom and Dad. They've got more time to exercise, more time to mow the lawn and wash the car.

In India, drinking, smoking and drug use are still relatively rare, especially among women. But call-center workers are taking up the habits with disturbing zeal, researchers say, either to cope with stress or to project an air of hip modernity.

A study last year in the Indian Journal of Sleep Medicine found that 40 percent of call-center workers surveyed smoked, compared with 7 percent of a control group, and 36 percent had more than two alcoholic drinks a week, against 2 percent of the control group. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs have given up smoking. It's too expensive. They've also stopped drinking, aside from an occasional swig, whenever Dad forgets to lock the liquor cabinet.

Photo by dgrobinson

Come on, China: Free Nepal!

Stephen Hadley, President Bush's National Security Adviser, recently appeared on ABC's "This Week" with George Stephanopoulos and was asked about Tibet and the intention of some countries to boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games in China. Here's what he said, according to a transcript on Huffington Post (via SAJAForum):

"If countries are really concerned about Nepal, we shouldn't have this sort of non-issue of opening ceremonies or not. They should do the hard work of quiet diplomacy to urge the Chinese government -- in their interest -- to take advantage of this opportunity to do something," Hadley said. [Link]

Did he say 'Nepal'? He must have just misspoken.

He went on, "The way to deal with the issue of Nepal is not by some -- a statement that you're not going to the opening ceremonies and say, therefore, I checked the Nepal box." [Link]

Did he say it again? Well, Tibet and Nepal are next to each other, so it's easy to get them mixed up -- just as millions of people around the world get America and Mexico mixed up.

And it didn't end there. "What he's doing on Nepal is what we think the international community ought to be doing, which is approaching the Chinese privately through diplomatic channels and sending a very firm message of concern for human rights, a concern for what's happening in Nepal ... ." [Link]

He said 'Nepal' two more times! Didn't Stephanunscrupulous correct him? Nope, apparently not. Perhaps he thought 'Nepal' and 'Tibet' are one and the same, too.

It's one thing when Bush messes up. We're used to that. But this is the guy who advises Bush, the guy who's supposed to set him straight.

Makes you wonder what other countries have been mixed up, doesn't it?

Bush: "I just followed your advice, Stephen. I just ordered an invasion of Iraq to protect America from WMDs."

Hadley: "Iraq? I thought I said Iran."

Bush: "No, you definitely said Iraq. You said it five times. It's in the minutes of our meeting."

Hadley: "Well, I believe Iran is a bigger threat to our security."

Bush: "Are you sure you mean Iran?"

Hadley: "Well, I'll have to check the intelligence reports again, but I'm sure it's a country beginning with 'I'."

Bush: "You idiot! Don't tell me we were supposed to invade India!"

She's got a crush on Mush

Many of his people detest him; many of them love him. Pervez Musharraf is no different from George W. Bush in that respect. But do any beauty pageant winners have a crush on Bush? I'm not sure. Perhaps Miss Crawford, Texas, does. Mush, on the other hand, is receiving a lot of love from a major league beauty.

Reigning Miss Pakistan World Mahleej Sarkari found time last week to write a post on Musharraf on the pageant's website.

"A little note to the people of Pakistan. Going to international pageants we have found out how much Musharraf is known to all beautiful young girls, the beauty queens. Some have replied, 'Oh yes, the general man (sic)'. While others have said 'the man who rules Pakistan'," wrote Sarkari.

"Everything positive... I think personally Musharraf Sahab is very good-looking. Some Pakistani politicians may not agree with these gorgeous women.

"You know like Benazir, all men around the world thought she was a beauty, similarly Musharraf is a hunk. He has enough charisma to have young girls going nuts," goes the beauty queen's post. [Link]

A hunk? So that's why Condoleezza Rice wanted him to take off his uniform. I never realized that Mush could make young girls go nuts. I thought it was only the imams who went nuts.

As a heterosexual male, I can't always tell which men are attractive. I know Brad Pitt and Hrithik Roshan are handsome, but I just don't know why so many women go crazy over Harrison Ford and Matthew Perry. And now I'm even more puzzled about Mush. Is he really a hunk? And if so, do millions of young Pakistani girls go to bed gazing longingly at his picture on their walls? Do their knees get weak whenever they see the dictator/stud muffin on TV?

Column: Beijing Olympics trigger protests, boycotts and name-calling

The 2008 Beijing Olympics have put the spotlight on China, bringing attention to the conflict in Tibet and all the human rights abuses. Protesters disrupted Olympic torch relays in San Francisco and other western cities, many of them holding signs with stern messages for China such as “Free Tibet!” “Stop human rights abuses!” and “Give us cheaper TVs now!”

Indian soccer star Bhaichung Bhutia declined to run with the torch as "my way of standing by the people of Tibet," while actor Aamir Khan vowed to run with the torch "not in support of China" but "with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

Inspired by Khan, long jumper Anju Bobby George announced that she will protest China's human rights abuses by participating in the Beijing Olympics. "I am participating in the Olympics not in support of China," she said, "but with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

She pledged to lie on the ground before every jump, extending her legs outward to form a ‘T.’ “It may look like I’m stretching,” she said. “But I’m showing my support for Tibet.”

Just a day before the torch relay in India, cricket star Sachin Tendulkar pulled out of the event, saying that he had a groin injury. It's believed that he suffered the injury while running away from Tibetan activists.

Indian officials were so worried about protests that they drastically shortened the route of the torch relay, asking Khan to run with it from his bedroom to living room. He handed the torch to tennis star Leander Paes, who took it all the way to the kitchen. Other celebrities then did mini-runs from one appliance to another.

The video was doctored for Chinese television to show Khan and Paes running in front of the Taj Mahal, cheered on by thousands of people, including Mahatma Gandhi.

Termites terminate man's retirement

When you put valuables in a bank's safe deposit boxes, the last thing you expect to hear is that termites attacked them. This is the 21st century after all. We get our cash from machines, we pay our bills online and we see ourselves on TV every time we enter a bank. But not all banks are so advanced. At least one bank in India uses wooden safe deposit boxes, along with a tiny sign that says, "Welcome Termites!"

A trader in the Indian state of Bihar has lost his life savings after termites infesting his bank's safe deposit boxes ate them up.

Dwarika Prasad had deposited currency notes and investment papers worth hundreds of thousands of rupees in a bank safe in the state capital Patna.

The bank says it put up a notice warning customers of the termites.

Mr Prasad says he did not see it in time as he did not go to the bank for months after the notice went up.

Bank officials admit they did not inform the customers individually about the termite problem.

"I'm shattered. I do not know what to do as I had kept the money for my old age," Mr Prasad said.

The trader says he had deposited 450,000 rupees ($11,000) in currency notes, investment papers worth 232,000 rupees ($5,660) and some gold and silver jewellery in a safe deposit box of the government-owned Central Bank of India.

Mr Prasad says that relations with his wife and children were strained and he wanted to put the money in the safe box to keep it safe from them. [Link]

He's an idiot for putting cash in a safe deposit box. Doesn't he know that the safest place to keep your money is under your mattress? That way, you can sleep well at night, knowing that the lump is still there.

But I also blame the bank. They were negligent in three ways: (1) They used wooden safe deposit boxes; (2) they didn't warn customers adequately; and (3) they failed to install mini security cameras to watch for termites.

No matter whom you blame, you've got to feel sorry for Prasad.

Reporter: "Mr. Prasad, what are your plans now? Are you going to be able to retire?"

Prasad: "No, I can't afford to retire. I'm going to start a second career."

Reporter: "A second career? What are you going to do?"

Prasad: "I'm going to be an exterminator."

Reporter: "You're going to kill termites?"

Prasad: "No, bankers."

Cows, pigs, dogs and other livestock

Somewhere on the Internet is a list of tips for westerners traveling to South Korea. And I'm pretty sure the list includes this piece of advice: If you go to an ordinary roadside restaurant, don't expect to be served burgers and fries or other western food. Order hot dog instead.

SEOUL (AFP) - The Seoul city government is seeking to classify man's best friend as livestock in order to set food safety standards for South Korean lovers of dogmeat, officials say.

Somewhere between two and four million dogs are estimated to be consumed in South Korea every year but the slaughtering and processing is carried out in dirty environments and poses a risks to diners' health, they said.

Since dogs are not currently classed as livestock there are no hygiene regulations on their slaughter, officials said.

"Dogs are consumed in their millions in this country every year. That's a fact. We have to take care of this situation," said Lee Hae-Woo, head of the city government's department of food safety.

"We plan to recommend to the central government that dogs are classified as livestock," he told AFP. "This is like a hot potato but we don't pretend the issue does not exist." [Link]

A hot potato? Ah yes, remember back in the 17th century when potatoes were not yet classified as food?

The potato was carried on to Italy and England about 1585, to Belgium and Germany by 1587, to Austria about 1588, and to France around 1600. Wherever the potato was introduced, it was considered weird, poisonous, and downright evil. In France and elsewhere, the potato was accused of causing not only leprosy, but also syphilis, narcosis, scronfula, early death, sterillity, and rampant sexuality, and of destroying the soil where it grew. There was so much opposition to the potato that an edict was made in the town of Besancon, France stating:"In view of the fact that the potato is a pernicious substance whose use can cause leprosy, it is hereby forbidden, under pain of fine, to cultivate it." [Link]          

I don't expect dogmeat to ever be as popular as potatoes, not even if restaurants serve it with ketchup and call it "Man's Best Fried." But some folks might change their attitude if the Dog Producers Association spent a few million bucks on a good advertising campaign and created a catchy slogan, such as: "Dogmeat: Bite it before it bites you."

Perhaps they also need to stop calling it "dogmeat." If cow meat is marketed as beef and pig meat is marketed as pork, it only makes sense for dogmeat to be marketed as dorf. And maybe, just maybe, if the advertising campaign is successful, dorf will be served at the Waldorf.

Chances are, however, dogmeat will never be popular in any country where dogs are widely kept as pets. And that's understandable. But unless you're a vegetarian, you probably shouldn't feel indignant toward any South Koreans, Chinese or others, even if they call themselves dog lovers. It's all what you're used to, really. If I was swimming in the ocean and came across a lobster, no way would I be saying to myself, "Mmmm ... yummy!" No, I'd be saying, "Help! Mummy!"

It's good to be adventurous in your eating habits, because you never know when you might get stuck on some remote island, just you and your faithful dog, Rover.

So if you happen to come across some dogmeat in an Asian restaurant, go ahead and take a small bite. Just a teeny-weeny bite. As people who own chihuahuas and dachshunds will tell you, a little dog never hurt anyone.

Photo by Jutta Hendry

Tips on doing business in India

The Delaware-based Produce Marketing Association has compiled some information on India to help members who want to conduct business there. It includes some tips that are fairly accurate, but require a little clarification.

It is common to begin meetings with small talk. In India, inquiring about family shows friendliness. Conversations are a way for your India counterparts to get to know and feel comfortable with you. Small talk is also used to help build relationships. Good conversation topics include politics, cricket, films, and Indian Economic Reform. Indian traditions and history are also welcomed topics. Try to avoid discussing Pakistan, poverty in India, and religions.

You may mention Pakistan, but only in the context of cricket and only if India has just beaten Pakistan. If Pakistan has just beaten India (as is often the case), limit your cricket references to statements such as: "I hope a swarm of crickets descend upon Pakistan."

Gift giving is customary in business culture. ... Hindus should not be given gifts made of leather; whereas, Muslims should not be given gifts made of pigskin or alcoholic products.

Gifts made of pigskin should be avoided at all costs. You may also want to avoid giving bottles of pigs' feet. (No matter a person's religion.)

This is a hierarchical culture, so greet the eldest or most senior person first. Also when leaving a group, each person must be bid farewell individually.

If you greet anyone out of order, you must start again from the beginning.

Shaking hands is common, especially in the large cities among the more educated who are accustomed to dealing with westerners.

If someone extends a hand in rural areas, do not try to shake it. Put some money in it.

Business cards are exchanged using your right hand after the initial handshake and greeting. Be sure to present the text facing the recipient. Also receive business cards with the right hand.

Remember: Use your right hand to conduct business and your left hand to do your business.

The word "no" has harsh implications in India. Evasive refusals are more common, and are considered more polite. Never directly refuse an invitation, a vague "I’ll try" is an acceptable refusal.

"I vill try" is even better.

If invited to your Indian counterpart’s home, you should arrive on time and remove your shoes before entering.

Please do not remove anything else. At least not until you get to know your host better.

Photo by jasmined

Column: Lock up the dissidents, the Olympics are coming

As the 2008 Summer Olympics approach, many people are scratching their heads and asking, "How in heaven's name was Beijing selected as the host city?" The answer is simple: Beijing was chosen because Baghdad was unavailable. Actually, the International Olympic Committee wanted to encourage China to emulate previous hosts and pursue democratic principles. China, in turn, pledged to be good hosts, promising to make athletes and other guests comfortable and, for at least three weeks, suspend all human rights abuses.

It's a good arrangement, really, opening the door for future Olympics to be held in places such as Tehran, Iran, and Pyongyang, North Korea. I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to the 2020 Guantánamo Bay Olympics. By then, waterboarding will be an official event.

The Beijing Olympics are destined to be the most successful games in Olympic history. And if you don't believe me, just ask any Chinese journalist who isn't in prison. "Best Olympics ever," they will say. "That's what we've been told."

If you're a foreign journalist who disagrees, that's okay. You have the freedom to say what you want, while people in China have the freedom to believe whatever their government lets them.

Pulling the trigger on sterilizations

Men in one Indian district are being offered a loaded weapon if they agree to unload another. Well, sort of.

A scheme that trades one male status symbol for another has achieved a large rise in the number of men undergoing vasectomies in a bandit-ridden region of central India.

Shivpuri district in the state of Madhya Pradesh, an overpopulated area renowned for its machismo culture, has started to offer fast-tracked gun licences for those who agree to be sterilised.

“This is a state with a high number of dacoits [bandits], where people like to keep rifles,” Manish Shrivastav, the administrative chief of Shivpuri and originator of the lateral thinking behind the plan, said.

“It also has a low level of vasectomies because of a perceived notion of manliness. I decided to match that with a bigger symbol of manliness — a gun licence. It has been a success.”

The results are impressive: 139 men have undergone vasectomies in the district since the incentive of a firearms permit was introduced a month ago, compared with only eight in 2007. [Link]

It must have been a tough choice for some men, deciding between the right to bear arms and the right to bear children. "Let me see ... the gun will not take care of me in my old age, but on the other hand, I will very rarely have to wipe its underside."

As population-control strategies go, this one is ingenious. Not only are you getting men sterilized, so they won't increase the population, you're letting them have guns, so they might help decrease it.

Photo by Simonov

She didn't win, but she's still an Afghan idol

It's called Afghan Star, modeled after all the Idol shows around the world, and if you happened to catch it last Friday, you were probably disappointed to see the plucky 20-year-old, Lima Sahar, voted off. She finished in third place, the highest of any woman in the show's three-year history. If you're an Afghan woman, just singing in public can get people to rail against you, even if you can "bang" it out better than William Hung.

Sahar, who comes from Afghanistan's most conservative tribe -- the Pashtuns, thanked everyone who had voted for her. She also reminded the audience that there had been very little music in Afghanistan in the last two decades, which have been mostly consumed with war.

Under the Taliban regime that was overthrown in 2001, women were not even allowed out of their homes unaccompanied, while music and television were banned. [Link]

Reporter: "People say that the Taliban loves to ban everything. Is that true?"

Taliban leader: "Yes, yes, we love to ban. That's why we have the word 'ban' in Taliban."

Reporter: "What about women's rights? Do you believe in them?"

Taliban leader: "Yes, yes, we do. That's why we have the word 'lib' in Taliban."

"I am very happy to have come in third place," Sahar said on the show broadcast Friday night. "This is an honor for me that the people voted for me. I really thank them and I also congratulate them."

The country's conservative cleric's council has protested to President Hamid Karzai over "Afghan Star" and Indian dramas shown on Tolo TV, the country's most popular station. But younger Afghans say the show is helping women progress. [Link]

Progress comes in small steps. First you let women compete on Afghan Star, then you teach them how to program the VCR ...

Column: Don't say no-no to the Nano

Here's some exciting news: The world's cheapest car will soon be hitting the roads of India. Tata Motors recently unveiled the Nano, a car that will surely make many middle-class people happy, particularly Hyundai owners, who will now feel like they're driving luxury cars.

The Nano will come in three models, with the standard one carrying a dealer price of only Rs. 1 lakh (about $2,500), or what Paris Hilton spends on hairspray. As you can imagine, there’s been tons of interest in the Nano, ever since the very first press conference.

Tata spokesman: "We're pleased to announce that we're going to be introducing a one-lakh car."

Reporter: "A one-lakh car? Will it have four wheels?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have four wheels -- and even a steering wheel."

Reporter: "What about brakes?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have brakes."

Reporter: "Headlights?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have headlights."

Reporter: "Air-conditioning?"

Spokesman: "It's a one-lakh car, you idiot!"

The Nano may seem cheap to some Indians, but for others, it's just the right price, enabling them to switch from two wheels to four, to put a roof over their heads. The car is designed to seat five people, which means it's perfect for a family of 12. Three-year-old Raju no longer needs to ride on the crossbar -- he can move to a far more comfortable spot on great-grandma's lap.

Benazir Bhutto's death affects so many

The assassination of Benazir Bhutto, Pakistan's former prime minister, has affected millions of people around the world in varying degrees.

It has affected her immediate family. They have lost a wife and a mother, a person they can never replace.

It has affected her supporters. They will have to find a new leader, a person they can rally behind. Some of them will never be able to run through the streets chanting another leader's name again.

It has affected her opponents and enemies. They will have to find someone else to hate. Some of them won't be able to sleep at night until they can say to themselves, "If only so-and-so were dead, our lives would be better."

It has affected the children of Pakistan. Some of them are sad that a leader has been killed, that their country is enduring more violence, while others are excited that they get three days off school.

It has affected speech writers around the world. Many of them had to scramble to write statements that politicians could read, condemning the violence, offering sympathy and appearing to know what was going on in Pakistan.

It has affected the media, especially the 24-hour news networks. They had to drop other news stories and fill their airtime with hundreds of Pakistan-related reports and interviews. Just about anybody with a Pakistani connection was put on the air, even the doorman at The Ritz-Carlton who once exchanged pleasantries with the Pakistani ambassador.

It has affected people who hadn't even heard of her, people who turned on CNN, BBC or some other network and said to themselves, "Benazir who? I didn't know Muslim women were allowed to leave the kitchen."

Forget democracy, we want the king

I love democracy and would like to see more countries adopt it. But before we ask citizens of a country to vote in an election, perhaps we should let them vote on whether they really want to vote. If democracy ran against monarchy in a free and fair election, it would be trounced like Michael Dukakis in at least one country: Bhutan. (If you've never heard of Bhutan, don't feel bad. Angelina Jolie hasn't yet adopted a child from there.)

THIMPHU, Bhutan — Kuenzang Dorji has an unusual problem.                       

As interim prime minister of Bhutan, a tiny Buddhist monarchy wedged between China and India, he is responsible for educating 632,000 citizens on the nuts and bolts of democracy before the country's first national election next year.

But most Bhutanese would rather keep their king.           

Largely mountainous, Bhutan is one of the world's most isolated nations, with few foreign companies, an overwhelmingly rural economy and a lack of basic infrastructure.           

Even during the peak travel season, just two flights arrive at the country's sole airport each day. In Thimphu, Bhutan's capital, the first stoplight installed was removed several years ago after residents complained it conflicted with local culture.

"Bhutan has enjoyed unprecedented progress, peace and prosperity, and that was all because of the good governance of (King Jigme Singye Wangchuk), so people have no reason to want a change in the running of the country," Dorji said. [Link]

Bhutan may be a poor country, but it's faring well in what the king calls "gross national happiness." You don't have to be rich to be happy, at least that's what I've heard.

Many in Bhutan are skeptical of democracy and say dividing communities along political lines is already causing conflict ahead of elections in February and March.

"Backbiting, scorn and suspicion have clearly become the order of the day," a Bhutanese newspaper recently said about politicking in Rangjung, a town near the Indian border. [Link]

Instead of saying "The king is great!" and "Long live the king!" people are saying, "The liberals suck!" and "The conservatives blow!" Well, not exactly, but you get the point. People are suddenly divided and it's only a matter of time before someone gets called a macaca.

Last December, Jigme, who ruled this country for more than 30 years, announced that he was abdicating in favor of his 26-year-old son, Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck.

The prospect of self-governance seemed to send shivers down many spines here. Why have politicians? people wanted to know. Wasn't the king always supposed to know what is best for his people and guide them accordingly? Couldn't they see what democracy had wrought on neighboring countries? [Link]

Why have politicians? That's a question that's being asked in a lot of countries these days, almost as often as "Why have erectile dysfunction?"

"The going is good," said Tshering Tobgay, 42, a retired civil servant who is working with a former cabinet minister to start the People's Democratic Party. "We want more of the same." [Link]

"More of the same" isn't necessarily a bad thing, is it? After all, Americans wanted "more of the same" in 2004 and they got ... okay, bad example.

Photo by Graham King

Watch out, the camels are coming!

The UN-African Union peacekeeping force in Sudan's Darfur region is having trouble getting around. They don't have enough jeeps and helicopters, so they're resorting to the next best thing: camels. These are no ordinary camels, of course. These are combat-trained camels.

India's Border Security Force (BSF) said it received a request last week from the United Nations to send the specially schooled animals to the troubled African region. ...

"All our camels are engaged in border-guarding duties and this whole process could take a long time," said BSF spokesman Vijay Singh, adding the agency could currently spare up to 60 of its 700-plus battle-ready animals for Sudan.

Indian border security forces use camels for long-range reconnaissance, including night patrols to track arms and drugs smugglers heading into the western states of Rajasthan and Gujarat from nearby Pakistan. [Link]

Camels are great because not only can they attain speeds of 40 mph, they don't require you to empty your wallet at the gas station.

India and South Africa are the only countries known to use camels for military purposes. [Link]

The United States military has used camels in the past -- and not just the kind you smoke. According to Wikipedia, "The United States Army had an active camel corps stationed in California in the 19th century." But they were apparently too stubborn and aggressive, qualities that are acceptable only in the Commander-in-Chief.

BSF deputy commandant Kamal Kumar Rathore, who heads the force's camel division, said India could purchase the animals from the open market and transport them to Sudan after a crash course in combat.

"There is no dearth of camels and we can make outright purchases, put them through a capsule course of four months and dispatch them to that country," Rathore said. [Link]

UN Peacekeeper: "What happened? Why did our camels crash into each other?"

Second Peacekeeper: "Blame the Indians. They put these animals through a crash course."

He said the camels conscripted into the BSF are trained not to react to gunfire and are taught to crawl and follow other "soldierly movements." [Link]

Soldier: "Let's crawl behind these rocks, so the enemy doesn't see us."

Camel: "Good idea. All they'll see is a big hump sticking out."

"Our camels move up to 80 kilometres (50 miles) with short breaks carrying ammunition and two mounts and they would be perfect.... I would be happy to lead them into Sudan," Rathore said. [Link]

I hope all the historians around the world are paying attention. If they're going to have a chapter in their books entitled "Napoleon leads his soldiers into Russia," they'd better have one entitled "Rathore leads his camels into Sudan."

Photo by FriskoDude

Lose your bride, not your pride

I've got a bald spot that seems to expand with each passing day, but thankfully, it wasn't too prominent when I got married. Prabir Das, of Assam, India, isn't so lucky.

A man was beaten by his fiance and in-laws and relieved of his belongings in India after they found out he was bald and wearing a wig, it was alleged yesterday.

Prabir Das, of Dispur in Assam, told police that his fiancé yanked off his hairpiece after dinner last week and began beating and abusing him for hiding his pate.

Her parents then joined in, ripping his expensive wig apart and relieving the 33-year-old of his wallet, mobile phone, motorbike and driving licence as “penalty” for his deception, he alleged. [Link]

Were these in-laws or outlaws? Ripping his wig is one thing, ripping him off is quite another.

Is wearing a hairpiece really deception? What about having breast implants or false teeth? Perhaps it depends on how permanent they are. Das got himself an expensive wig, but forgot to buy some Super Glue.

Mr Das, who works at a private hospital, had advertised for a bride in the matrimonial columns of a local newspaper – a common practice in India – and Dilip Roy, seeking a match for his daughter Shreshta, responded.

The wedding was fixed for Dec 12, and the bride’s family began putting together Shreshta’s trousseau and dowry at great expense.

But to Mr Das’s eventual humiliation an acquaintance spilled the beans to the stunned Mr Roy.

The superintendent Rajen Singh said Mr Roy had been questioned and denied the fracas. [Link] 

Police: "Mr. Roy, did you have fracas with Mr. Das?"

Roy: "Fracas? No fracas. We had chapati and dal."

The wedding, police said, appears to be off. [Link]

I'd say it's off. And that's a good thing too. Better to be abused by the woman you almost married than the one you did.

Photo by Alexanderthegreatest

Short, overweight women need not apply

The Olympics are more than eight months away, but already China is trying hard to get some negative publicity for it.            

Beijing is seeking women presenters for medals ceremonies at the 2008 Olympics -- but only those who are tall and thin need apply.

Hundreds of young women will be recruited as volunteers to present medals and raise flags at ceremonies for the Games, which open on August 8, but they must meet stringent criteria. [Link]

Let me get this straight: You can't be short, you can't be overweight, and you can't have any testosterone? Perhaps male volunteers are being used for other tasks, such as beating up all the protesters.

"We have some very clear conditions and demands," explained Zhao Dongming, director of the Cultural Activities Department at Beijing's Organizing Committee for the Games.

"We have certain requirements for their height, since they are to present the medals to our athletes. They need to be of a height between 1.68 and 1.78 meters. That's above average." [Link]

1.78 meters? That's about 5-foot-10, tall enough to play center on the Indian basketball team.

There's no height requirement for the athletes -- some of those weightlifters are pretty short -- so why should there be one for the volunteers?

There was no requirement on their weight, Zhao said, but he added: "Generally speaking, they can't be too fat. Their figure should be good. They shouldn't be too heavy."

The guidance was so the women, who must be between 18 and 25 and university students, would fit into the uniforms being prepared for them, he said. [Link]

Ah, the uniforms. I knew there was a logical reason for this. It doesn't matter what you weigh, as long as you can fit into a Size 2 dress.

You also have to be 18 to 25 and a university student? I'm really disappointed in the Organizing Committee. If they had tried harder, they could have discriminated even more. They could have required all the women to be English-speaking, light-skinned and well-endowed.

Come on, China, we expect more from you.

Photo by Marc van der Chijs

Report: Musharraf imposes penalty on himself

RAWALPINDI, PAKISTAN, Nov. 14 -- President Pervez Musharraf, in a move that he says reinforces his commitment to restoring democracy in this embattled nation, on Tuesday put himself under house arrest.

"I am not above the law," Musharraf said, standing behind barbed wire that had been placed around his house in Rawalpindi.  "I am just like Mrs. Bhutto, but without all the cosmetic surgery."

Musharraf had faced criticism on Monday after he addressed a gathering of supporters in Lahore. "Why don't the rules of emergency apply to him?" opposition leader Benazir Bhutto said. "I have been under house arrest twice and on another occasion, the police threatened to confiscate my makeup kit. Why must we have double standards?"

Musharraf brushed off the criticism Monday evening, saying, "We may have double standards, but we are at least trying hard, under my leadership, to achieve triple standards."

But on Tuesday morning, after receiving a phone call from President George W. Bush, Musharraf decided to punish himself. He denied that Bush had twisted his arm. "There was no arm-twisting," he said, raising his voice in anger at a reporter's question. "No leg-twisting either. Please do not ask me about any other appendage."

President Bush praised Musharraf's action. "It shows that President Musharraf has a conscience," Bush said. "That's why he's a friend of America. He's a good, honorable man, who just happens to be a dictator."

Musharraf appeared to violate the house arrest Tuesday afternoon when he took off in a helicopter from the roof. But Ibrahim Khan, a police constable standing guard in front of the house, said the president had technically not done anything wrong.

"It is house arrest," Khan said, pointing at the barbed wire. "The house is still under arrest."

The bride wore orange and barked at the groom

Before Aishwarya Rai married fellow Bollywood actor Abhishek Bachchan, she married a tree, following the advice of astrologers and thus avoiding a curse. The groom was covered in bark, but at least "he" didn't bark.  P. Selvakumar, a 33-year-old Indian man, wasn't so lucky.

An Indian man has married a female dog, believing the union will help him atone for stoning two other dogs to death.

P Selvakumar, 33, said he had been cursed since the killings, suffering paralysis and a loss of hearing.

The wedding took place at a Hindu temple in Tamil Nadu state. The "bride" wore an orange sari with a flower garland and was fed a bun to celebrate. [Link]

A bun? What a cheapskate! Is he trying to bring another curse upon him? Surely he could have fed her some Indian sweets, instead of a measly bun. Perhaps he's upset at her. Perhaps he was hoping he would receive some dowry. A few bones or at least a dead rat.

Crowds cheered the newly-weds at the end of the ceremony in Sivaganga district, about 50km (30 miles) east of the city of Madurai.

The "bride", who is called Selvi, was led to the temple in Manamudurai wearing a sari before vows were exchanged in a traditional Hindu ceremony. [Link]

Vows were exchanged? No, those weren't vows. Those were bow-wows.

A relative of the groom who attended the wedding said he hoped Mr Selvakumar would now be cured.

"Fifteen years back Selvakumar was physically fit. But, once he attacked a pair of dogs and thereafter Kumar could not move his limbs freely," the relative, Ramu, told the BBC.

"He tried every cure for his ailment but could not be rid of his disability.

"On the advice of an astrologer and others, he decided to marry a bitch to get cured. Then we arranged Selvakumar's marriage with a bitch." [Link]

If I were Selvakumar, I'd avoid calling my new wife a bitch. I'd avoid saying things like "I can't stand the bitch" or "The bitch refuses to do any cooking" or "The bitch keeps asking me to do it human-style."

You have to wonder what Selvakumar's neighbors are saying.

Neighbor: "Have you seen Selvakumar's new wife? She's a dog."

Neighbor's friend: "That ugly, huh?"

Neighbor: "No, she's a cute dog, actually. This is another case of Beauty and the Beast."

The vending machine that guesses your age

Leo Lewis, Asia Business correspondent of The Times (London), writes about attitudes toward smoking in Japan and "extraordinary phenomena" such as being permitted to smoke indoors but not outdoors. He also introduces us to software designed to prevent underage smoking.

After years of quite astonishingly liberal views on these things, cigarette vending machines are to have achingly high-tech age-recognition software installed in order to prevent the under-20s getting their hands on Japan Tobacco's evil products.  It is actually rather impressive. I went to Kyoto to see Omron's version of this software and it was able, within less than a second and using a standard digital video camera, to guess my age correctly. [Link]

That sounds like great technology, but what happens when the software tells the 24-year-old graduate student that her boyfriend, who claims to be 32, is actually 52?

Some people look older than they actually are. Take 19-year-old basketball star Greg Oden to the machine and it will probably say: "Sale permitted. Age 35."

If you think people kick vending machines a lot now, just wait until this technology becomes more common.

Woman: "Hey, why are you kicking the machine? Did it give you the wrong change?"

Man: "No, even worse: it gave me the wrong age."

I think - even for those of us over the age of 20 - it should become a matter of honour to fool the  machines as often and as hilariously as possible. With masks. Crazy masks.

My anarchic pal Teal'c has suggested carrying around a life-size photograph of the face of Roger Moore, and holding that up to the vending machine to establish one's age.

I like the idea of doing the same with the face of Mother Theresa or perhaps Bob Monkhouse just to see how sophisticated the software really is. Perhaps it sells you particular brands based on what you look like. Mahatma Ghandi disguises might get you a packet of Peace. [Link] 

If the software is sophisticated enough, it will recognize Gandhi's picture and give you some important details about him. "Sale denied. That is a picture of Mahatma Gandhi. A champion of nonviolent resistance, he is considered the father of India. And his name, by the way, is spelled G-A-N-D-H-I."

Musharraf declares emergency in Pakistan

As you may have heard, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf declared a state of emergency on Saturday. Here is the text of the official proclamation:

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Whereas there is visible increase in the activities of extremists and incidents of terrorist attacks, including suicide bombings, IED explosions, rocket firing and bomb explosions, posing a grave threat to Pakistani citizens, as well as their noble and benevolent leader, known to everyone affectionately as Uncle Perv;

Whereas there has also been a spate of attacks on state infrastructure and law enforcement agencies, to the extent that ordinary citizens are asking questions such as, "What law enforcement?" and "We had infrastructure?";

Whereas some members of the judiciary are working against the executive and legislature, thereby weakening the government and eroding the nation's resolve to fight the growing menace of democracy;

Whereas constant interference in executive functions, including but not limited to the control of terrorist activity, economic policy, price controls, downsizing of corporations and urban planning, has weakened the government, demoralized the police force, and caused great happiness to Benazir Bhutto;

Whereas some hardcore militants, extremists, terrorists and suicide bombers, who were arrested and being investigated, were ordered to be released, giving many of them an opportunity to join the media and make fun of me;

Whereas some judges have overstepped the limits of judicial authority and taken over the executive and legislative functions, undermining my ability to execute my power and increasing my desire to execute them;

Whereas the government is committed to the independence of the judiciary and the rule of law and holds the superior judiciary in high esteem, it is nonetheless of paramount importance that the honourable judges confine the scope of their activity to such matters as parking violations and fender benders;

Whereas an important constitutional institution, the Supreme Judicial Council, has been made entirely irrelevant by a recent order and judges have, thus, made themselves immune from inquiry into their conduct and put themselves beyond accountability, a position I know nothing about;

And whereas the situation has been reviewed in meetings with the prime minister, governors of all four provinces, and chiefs of the armed forces, and discussed in bed with my wife, Sehba;

Now, therefore, in pursuance of the deliberations and decisions of the said meetings and discussions, I General Pervez Musharraf, known also as Uncle Perv, proclaim emergency throughout Pakistan and parts of Kashmir.

The Afghan solution: Less opium, more marijuana

Afghan farmers have been instructed not to grow poppy plants, but perhaps they should have been given a copy of The Illustrated Guide to Forbidden Crops. And perhaps also a copy of 101 Bad Things That Could Happen to You in Prison.

As Afghanistan struggles to cut its raging opium production, aid workers try to find alternative crops, but for some former poppy farmers the choice was easy -- they planted marijuana instead.

Afghanistan's opium crop topped all records this year, producing some 93 percent of the world's supply of the drug. [Link]

Wow, 93 percent! No wonder so many teen-agers can find Afghanistan on the world map. It's the No.1 destination for summer volunteers.

Balkh province in the north was trumpeted as a success story -- from 7,000 hectares of poppies cultivated in 2006, it was declared opium-free in 2007 after strong local government action.

But around the ancient citadel of Balkh, in fields where pink poppy flowers stood last year, jagged green marijuana stalks poke above other crops and in places whole cannabis fields produce a pungent aroma strong enough to be picked by passing motorists.

The farmers are still cautious. "They are not my fields," said Shamseddin, surrounded by head-high cannabis plants in full flower. "I don't know who they belong to," he said, dropping a sickle to the ground and nudging it away with his foot. [Link]

That Shamseddin, he's so sneaky. Almost managed to fool the Reuters reporter. If only he wasn't wearing a T-shirt promoting his website: "BestMarijuana.com."