FunnyColumns

No lottery wins, but still feeling lucky

Why do some people seem to have all the luck in the world while others have no luck whatsoever?

Delma Kinney, 51, of Atlanta is one of the lucky ones. He won $1 million in an instant lottery game in 2008, then did it again recently. Yes, two lottery wins in three years!

As Kinney told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, he stopped at a convenience store to pick up some cold medicine, decided to buy an instant lottery ticket, and won another million bucks. It must be nice: one moment, you have a cold; the next moment, you’re blowing your nose on $100 bills.

The last time I stopped at a convenience store to buy cold medicine, I thought it was my lucky day too: the doughnuts were on sale.

That just goes to show you, of course, that whether you feel lucky or not depends on your expectations.

I feel lucky when I wake up in the morning, look out the window and see that no one has stolen our car.

I feel lucky when my wife prepares a healthful dinner for us and gives most of the vegetables to the kids.

I feel lucky when I switch channels on my TV and don’t see a single Kardashian.

I feel lucky when my wife exchanges more words with me on any given day than with her Facebook friends.

I feel lucky when I go for my annual physical and the doctor spends less time examining me than the guy at airport security.

I feel lucky when I’m standing in line at the grocery store and can catch up on Jennifer Aniston’s love life.

I feel lucky when I watch music videos with my children and the artists are wearing more than just their musical instruments.

I feel lucky when I can get a loan to buy a car and the loan officer at the bank doesn’t ask me if I can afford gas.

I feel lucky when the guy at the pawn shop doesn’t ask me whose earrings those are.

I feel lucky when everything works in my house: the dishwasher, the washing machine, the Alpha Male Plus pills.

I feel lucky when I tell my children to take a bath and at least one of them gets off the couch and asks, “Take it where, Daddy?”

I feel lucky when I can file my taxes less often than Billy Bob Thornton files for divorce.

I feel lucky when I visit the hairdresser and he doesn’t cut off more than a small section of my ear.

I feel lucky when I can go to the beach and do some reading –- all those words on well-tanned bodies.

I feel lucky when it’s a Friday night, the kids have gone to bed, and my wife whispers into my ear, “Do you feel lucky?”

“Yes, honey,” I say. “I do feel lucky.”

She smiles, pulls me closer and gives me a kiss. Then she sends me to the convenience store to buy lottery tickets.

Look who's the top dog at your workplace

Back in 1993, Gloria Steinem and the Ms. Foundation for Women founded “Take Our Daughters to Work Day,” realizing that the self-esteem of a girl could be enhanced greatly if she spent a day at a workplace and saw Mom or Dad being ordered around for a change.

A decade later, this special day evolved into “Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day,” as people realized that it was unfair to leave boys out, especially since surveys showed that almost all boys, regardless of age, were eager to take advantage of this rare opportunity to skip school for a day.

But even before boys were included, people realized that “Take Our Daughters to Work Day” was unfair to another significant group, one that hardly ever got a chance to visit workplaces. And so, sometime in 1996, people in the western world began to observe “Take Your Dog to Work Day.”

It started in the U.K., then moved to the U.S., where it became an instant hit. People loved the idea of driving “Rover” and “Buddy” to work, especially since it was the first time many Americans had ever been able to use those special car pool lanes.

“Take Your Dog to Work Day” eventually spread to Canada, New Zealand and even Australia, where it became almost as popular as “Take Your Kangaroo to Work Day.”

Various versions of “Take Your Daughter/Dog to Work Day” have since cropped up around the world:

Afghanistan: “Take Your Goat to Work Day.”

Japan: “Take Your Bonsai to Work Day.”

Saudi Arabia: “Take Your Wives to Work Day.”

Zambia: “Take Your Pillow to Work Day."

Jamaica: “Take Yourself to Work Day.”

But none of these special days has been quite as popular as “Take Your Dog to Work Day,” which was observed this year on June 25. It was created for three main reasons: (1) to celebrate the companionship of dogs; (2) to encourage people to adopt dogs from humane societies, rescue groups and shelters; and (3) to show employees how easy it is to take naps under their desks.

Taking a dog to a workplace can be risky, of course. What happens, for example, if you bring your dog to your workplace and he decides that he doesn’t want to just sit around, preferring to be active? Next thing you know, your boss comes over to tell you that you are getting fired and your dog is getting hired. "I like him," your boss says. "He seems to be a self-starter. Already has his paws in everything."

If you think that’s far-fetched, then you probably haven’t heard of the goat herder in Tamil Nadu, India, who made the mistake of taking his dog to work. “Now dog has job, I stuck at home,” the man said. “It's good for dog, but I get bored. Not many cats around to chase.”

Taking a dog to work was also the undoing of a London man. “I miss my job,” he said. “I enjoyed providing customer service for BP.”

If you call British Petroleum’s customer service department with a complaint of any sort, don’t be surprised if you hear a growl on the other end. Or a recording that says: “Sorry, all our dogs are currently busy, trying to fix an oil spill. Please stay on the line. Your call is being transferred to a hyena.”

Most dogs are unemployed, of course, but we shouldn’t forget that tens of thousands of them do have important jobs, such as leading the blind, sniffing out drugs and bombs, following the trail of criminals, and fetching beer from refrigerators.

Yes, if given the chance, dogs can be very productive. Just ask the man in London. He recently spent an entire day with his dog at work, thanks to “Take Your Human to Work Day.”

Photo by konszvi

Report: Obama in big trouble over "jackass" comment

WASHINGTON -- President Obama is in trouble for calling Kanye West a "jackass" after the rapper interrupted singer Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards.

"Obama should not have called Kanye a jackass," said Donna Rivers, an African-American woman who marched outside the White House with hundreds of others Wednesday. "It's insulting and unfair to all jackasses."

Rivers and the other protesters, mostly members of the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), held up signs demanding that Obama apologize to jackasses.

"Poor creatures," said Matt Johnson, a Baltimore accountant. "What have they done to deserve being compared to Kanye? Have they ever stepped on a stage uninvited? Have they ever interrupted a speech by a horse or cow?"

He added that he has heard West's music on his teen-aged son's iPod and, if given a choice, would prefer to listen to a jackass braying.

Julia Flowers, a lifelong Democrat, said she found Obama's comment particularly upsetting because the symbol of the Democratic Party happens to be a jackass. "Obama should be more respectful to jackasses," she said. "The least he could have done was compare Kanye to some other animal, such as a rat."

But Maurice Davis disagreed with her, saying no animal deserved to be compared with West. "Why do animals need to be insulted?" Davis said. "Why couldn't Obama just say that Kanye West is a turnip?"

Davis' words did not sit well with fellow protester Lucas Rove of Hagerstown, Md., who happens to be a turnip farmer. "Leave turnips out of this," he said. "They're good vegetables."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs released a statement saying that the President was speaking off-the-record and used the term "jackass" not to refer to the animal but as a synonym for "imbecile."

Gibbs' statement drew objections from another quarter. "We're insulted that the president believes that imbeciles are like Kanye West," said Glenn Beck, president of the American Association of Imbeciles.

The cowboys of Delhi

No, that isn't the cast of Danny Boyle's new movie Slumdog Cowboys -- that's a group of real-life cow catchers. They're rounding up cows from the streets of Delhi, helping to prepare the city for next year's Commonwealth Games, whose organising committee, unfortunately, did not want to add a hurdling element to the marathon.

In India's capital, cattle are both sacred and yet often surprisingly neglected. Cows that may be owned by a farmer and milked regularly, are often left to wander the traffic-filled streets during the day, creating chaos and causing accidents. [Link]

I'm not sure how much chaos they create, but they certainly create a lot of dung. It can be used as fertilizer and fuel, but it's not something you want to see lying on the street, especially if you just paid $500 for a pair of running shoes that you hope will win you a gold medal.

The dangers facing these urban cowboys are many. The horns of a bull can cause nasty injuries and it's common for the cowcatchers to come home with injuries. These young workers – the majority of whom are privately contracted and receive just $70 a month – invariably have no health coverage.

Then there is the threat of the people who either claim to own the cattle, or who disapprove of the supposedly sacred animals being captured and unceremoniously loaded on to a hydraulic truck. "Sometimes people will fight with us and try to release the cows," said Lal Krishnan, 37, a goodnatured cow-catching foreman who has been doing this job for 18 years. "Sometimes they throw stones. Sometimes they beat us up. I've been beaten up before." [Link]

It's a tough job, rounding up cows in India. Never mind that the Commonwealth Games are approaching -- many people think of the cows as their common wealth and don't want you playing games with them.

The rat that ran up Obama's leg

Did you hear about the rat that ran up Barack Obama's leg? No, it didn't happen at the inauguration, though I'm sure many rats would have liked to. And not just Democrats.

Obama's encounter with the rat happened 15 years ago, when he was working for a Chicago law firm. As his former boss recalled:
"Our law firm is in an old building that at one time had a problem with rats running around in the conference room. And Barack was down there one time hosting a meeting and one ran right up his leg.  Without batting an eyelash he shook the rat off and continued to talk at the meeting in a completely composed way.  Other people would have erupted." [Link]

Yes, other people would have erupted, but not SuperObama!

I don't know why this wasn't brought up during the presidential campaign. Imagine how many more Americans would have voted for Obama had they known how good he is with rats. His political ad would have been very effective: "Barack Obama once shook off a rat during a meeting. Imagine how well he'll deal with lobbyists."

It's too bad that the rat isn't alive, because if it were, we can be certain of one thing: it would have appeared on Larry King Live.

King: "Tonight, we have a very special guest: the rat that climbed up Barack Obama's leg. Thank you for being here, Mr. Rodent. How do you feel about your newfound celebrity?"

Rodent: "It feels good, except for one thing: I don't like being followed around by the papa-rat-zi."

King: "Let's cut to the chase. Why did you run up Barack Obama's leg?"

Rodent: "I didn't mean to. I was just trying to win the rat race."

King: "Was it the last leg of the race?"

Rodent: "No, it was the first leg. I was supposed to run up the first leg and down the second. But he didn't let me finish the race."

King: "What did he say?"

Rodent: "He said, 'What do you think this is, Central Park?'"

King: "And what did you do?"

Rodent: "I kept going. As you probably know, it's hard to get out of the rat race."

King: "And what did he say?"

Rodent: "He said, 'If you don't stop, I'll take you to see my Aunt Thelma. She makes very good rat soup."

King: "He was kidding, right?"

Rodent: "I'm not sure. I didn't stick around to find out."

Memo to staff: Very important appointment

To: All staff

From: Barack Obama

Subject: Very important appointment

I have made a number of appointments over the last few weeks, but I still have several more to make, including one that's of utmost importance. I want to make sure we get it right. I want to be able to tell the American public that we spent adequate time evaluating the candidates, checking and double-checking their background, using every tool at our disposal to decide who is the most qualified to serve, for the next four years, as the White House dog. 

Americans will be very disappointed if I announce in a few weeks that the dog we selected just didn't pan out, that it wasn't right for the White House, that we had to show it the door. My opponents would pounce on this news, accusing me of failing to keep my campaign promise to minimize job losses. And there would undoubtedly be protests outside the White House, not just from the American Canine Liberties Association (ACLU), but also the Federation of Independent Dog Organizations (FIDO).

It would be a huge disappointment, of course, to my daughters, Malia and Sasha. As you know, they've been asking for a dog for several years and, over the last year or so, I've sort of made it my pet project. I believe that the more methodical we are, the better our chances of selecting the ideal dog, one that will not only bring honor to our family and the White House, but will also represent us well at various dog functions. In a few months, Italy will host the G8 Dog Summit and I don't want to send just any old mutt there.

Sad news: India is dead

The White House has announced that India is dead. Pakistan has denied responsibility.

India was an 18-year-old black American Shorthair cat. She was quite famous, particularly in India, where her name touched off protests during Bush's early White House years. As I mentioned in a column back then, some folks apparently found it insulting that the name of our motherland could be heard around the White House in sentences such as these:

--- "India, stop licking the First Lady's feet. That's the president's job."

--- "India, please stop fighting with the dogs. Neither of them is named Pakistan."

--- "Does anyone know where India is? The president has been looking for several hours, but can't find it on the map."

According to the White House website, India was named for former Texas Ranger baseball player, Ruben Sierra, who was called "El Indio." She loved to eat tuna-flavored kitty treats and take naps under the bed. Democrats may not be surprised to learn that her favorite sport was "hiding from owners."

She must have lived a good life. Not many cats get to pee ... I mean, be ... in the White House.

Mate wanted for a 36-year-old who's tall, dark and good-natured

Don't be surprised if you see this matrimonial ad on the Internet: "Mate wanted for a 36-year-old widower, 6 feet tall, dark-haired, bilingual and good-natured. Hobbies include bathing and searching for food. Please send photo and bio-data."

It's an ad that would probably get responses from women all over the world, but it's unlikely that any of them would be able to satisfy the poor widower, a fellow by the name of Polo. You see, Polo wants his mate to be hairy, extremely hairy. And you really can't blame him, for he happens to be a gorilla. And not just any gorilla, but India's only gorilla.

Even though Polo is 6 feet tall, dark-haired, bilingual and good-natured, the 36-year-old silverback gorilla is still single after a fruitless eight-year search.

"We have written to all major zoos in the world. We have tried everything," said Vijay Ranjan Singh, the director of the zoo in Mysore, a city in southern India about 525 miles southeast of Mumbai. [Link]

Have they really tried everything? I'll bet they haven't placed a matrimonial ad on the most popular matchmaking site for gorillas: www.PrimeMates.com

Polo is a western lowland gorilla, native to the forests of central Africa. Silverback gorillas — marked with a distinctive patch — are dominant males who usually live in family groups in the wild.

"He is not very happy. The few joys he enjoys are bathing and searching for food that his keeper hides in blocks of ice or in bamboo to keep him energized," Singh said.

For the prospective mate, Singh says Polo is good-natured and responds to commands in both the local Kannada language and English. [Link]

You hear that, ladies? Polo is quite a catch. It might be easy to find a man who's tall, dark and good-natured, but you'd have to search high and low to find one who "responds to commands."

So what are you waiting for? Rush to the nearest travel agent and buy yourself a ticket to Mysore. And try your best to impress Polo. Not sure how? Well, for starters, you might want to stop shaving your legs for a couple of weeks.

Heroes we can toast -- not roast

Heroes come in all shapes and sizes, all stripes and species. Just when you think you know what a hero looks like, one of them surprises you.

In a classic 'believe it or not' example, a pet rabbit was being hailed a hero last night after saving his owners from a house fire.

The bunny - surprisingly enough called Rabbit - woke up his owners by scratching at their bedroom door when fire began to spread through the rest of their Melbourne home.

Allowed to roam free through the house, it could have been a case of 'run Rabbit, run Rabbit, run, run, run,' - the bunny could have high-tailed it through a cat flat or even a gap in a window as the flames took hold.

But instead, he headed for the bedroom door and began furiously scratching away, creating enough noise to wake up Mr Gerry Finn and his wife Michelle.

When jewellery-maker Mr Finn opened the bedroom door to find out what all the commotion was, he was beaten back by smoke and heat.

He grabbed Rabbit, ushered his wife outside and then called on the help of neighbours to help him fight the blaze before four fire crews arrived to dampen things down.

'There's absolutely no doubt that Rabbit saved our lives,' Mrs Finn said last night.

'He alerted us in the nick of time. We were both fast asleep and we might not have got out in time if we hadn't heard the scratching. [Link]

I never thought rabbits could be heroes. Then again, I never thought scratching could be heroic.

You may think the incident is just a fluke, that the rabbit didn't really know what it was doing. Then what do you say about all the other "Super Rabbits"? There's Colby, who also saved a family from a fire; Dory, who saved the life of a diabetic man; Robin, who saved the life of a diabetic woman; and probably countless other rabbits who just didn't want any media attention for their good deeds.

Like a lot of people, I've had a little rabbit, and let me tell you, I didn't care for the taste. My wife and I saw rabbit meat in a grocery store in Indiana and thought we'd give it a try. But it just didn't appeal to us. Perhaps we didn't use a good recipe or perhaps rabbit is an acquired taste. In any case, the only rabbits I encounter these days are the ones that often enter our yard. My children like watching them through the window. So far, they haven't done anything heroic, aside from eating a weed or two. More often, they attack my lettuce and spinach, making me wish I had an appreciation for rabbit stew.

Photo by Kodama

I now pronounce you man and goat

Bill Clinton has earned millions of dollars every year since leaving the White House, but as reported in 2005, he apparently missed out on a chance to get 40 goats and 20 cows.

A Kenyan city councilman says he offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter's hand in marriage five years ago. He's still awaiting an answer.

Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor wrote Clinton asking for Chelsea's hand in 2000 when Clinton visited Kenya, Chepkurgor told the East African Standard newspaper.

Chepkurgor, 36, vowed to remain single until he gets an answer to his proposal to marry Chelsea, 25.

Chepkurgor, a city councilor in Nakuru, told Clinton of plans for a grand wedding presided over by South African Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu. ...

The electrical engineering graduate said he promised to pay 40 goats and 20 cows in dowry for Clinton's only daughter in accordance with African tradition. [Link]

In some cultures, when you gain a wife, you lose some goats. In others, when you lose a wife, you gain a goat.

A farmer who blamed his wife for not providing him with a child has swapped her for a goat with three kids.

Three-times-wed Stoil Panayotov struck a deal with another farmer at a livestock market and handed over his wife in exchange for eight-year-old Elena.

Stoil, 54, said: "A friend told me that he had no luck with women and that he really liked my wife." Amazingly, she went along with the arrangement. Stoil added: "The deal was reached when my wife gave her approval.

"The goat has given birth to three kids and my wife to none. This deal was more profitable to the goat owner - I got a second-hand goat and he got a brand new wife."

The trade was concluded in front of a stunned crowd in the market town of Plovdiv in Bulgaria. Now locals are wondering what will happen next if things don't work out between Stoil and Elena. [Link]

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I can't believe his wife agreed to something so demeaning -- being traded for a goat and three kids. Surely no self-respecting woman would ever agree to be traded for fewer than 40 goats. Chelsea Clinton certainly wouldn't. There's no way she'd consider marrying Godwin Chepkurgor, not unless he doubled his offer.

As for Stoil, I hope he's not thinking of marrying the goat, even if those three kids need a dad. That would rile Fox News host Bill O'Reilly. He believes that gay marriage may eventually lead to goat marriage. If he's so strongly opposed to such marriages, it's surprising that he didn't raise the issue with Maureen E. McPhilmy, the mother of his two children. She is, after all, married to a goat.

Photo by TKnoxB

Don't mess with the tiger

It's not unheard-of for an animal in a zoo to attack a visitor. It seems to happen a few times a year around the world, sometimes with deadly consequences. But it usually happens when visitors put their hands -- or even themselves -- inside animal cages, perhaps trying to show the animals that humans are just like them: lacking intelligence.

In September 2005, a man put his hand inside a cage at a zoo in Shimla, India, to touch a bear, and the bear responded by saying, "Mmmm ... food!"

In February, an animal lover entered a cheetah cage at a Belgium zoo and the cheetahs performed their own version of the 1967 classic Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Earlier this month, a 50-year-old man reached into a tiger cage at a zoo in Gauhati, India, a move that proved fatal. He was apparently trying to take a close-up photo, but it was the tigers, unfortunately, that got the last snap.

Such incidents underscore the importance of following the rules at a zoo. Under no circumstance should you put your hands inside a cage, even if the animal has an expression on its face that says, "Peace be with you, my friend. I'm a follower of Mahatma Gandhi!"

But visitors to a zoo never expect an animal to escape from a cage and attack them, as a Siberian tiger did on Christmas Day in San Francisco Zoo. The 350-pound tiger killed 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr. and seriously injured his friends, Paul and Kulbir Dhaliwal, aged 19 and 23.

The tiger is believed to have leaped over a wall that was 12½ feet high, about four feet shorter than what the Association of Zoos & Aquariums recommends for tiger enclosures. I never realized that tigers could jump that high and neither did the zookeepers apparently. Then again, if animals are anything like humans, a few of them are probably far more gifted than others. The average human wouldn't be able to clear five feet in the high jump, whereas world record holder Javier Sotomayor of Cuba could easily clear Yao Ming. [video]

It's been widely speculated that Sousa and the Dhaliwals taunted the tiger. If that's the case, they may have messed with the wrong tiger. They may have messed with the Javier Sotomayor of tigers.

Photo by jemsweb

Got a thorn in your side? The milk industry does

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) wants us to stop drinking milk and has been running a campaign that asks: "Got pus? Milk does." A takeoff on the dairy industry's highly effective "Got milk?" slogan, it's probably been making many milk drinkers feel uncomfortable, with some of them saying to themselves, "I hope they don't start charging us more."

PETA, which advocates a dairy-free diet, has plastered the slogan on T-shirts, mugs and other merchandise to draw attention to what it says are dangerous levels of somatic cells — pus — in much of the milk sold in this country. The pus gets there because of an udder infection called mastitis that can infect cows raised for their milk, PETA says.

The California Milk Processor Board, which owns the Got Milk? trademark, has laughed off countless previous knockoffs, from Got Fleas? to Got Freud? The board even has welcomed some as boosting publicity for milk. [Link]

The slogan has been mimicked hundreds, if not thousands, of times. Christian youth groups have used it ("Got Jesus?") and so have preachers ("Got saved?") and televangelists ("Got cash?"). Insurance salesmen have found it handy ("Got coverage?"), as have doctors ("Got pain?") and defense lawyers ("Got busted?"). College students can't manage without it ("Got beer?") and neither can beggars ("Got change?") and iPod users ("Got Sanjaya?"). Even the presidential candidates are using it: Hillary Clinton ("Got any dirt on Obama?"), Rudy Giuliani ("Got tired of me yet?"), and Dennis Kucinich ("Got any idea who I am?")

But the board contends there is no truth to the pus claims and that PETA is violating the campaign's trademark.

"Milk is one of the most regulated, tested and therefore safest products that consumers can buy," said Steve James, the milk board's executive director. "Pasteurization has been required for almost a century in order to remove harmful organisms and bacteria so it's safe for human biology." [Link]

Perhaps the milk board should start its own campaign against PETA: "Got brains?"

Photo by arimoore

Don't chicken out of this resolution

I wouldn't mind having a couple of chickens in my backyard, but in most urban areas in America and Canada, you're not allowed to have chickens at home, with a few exceptions. Stephen Kunselman, a councilman in Ann Arbor, Michigan, is trying to change that, so people in his college town can have fresh eggs, not those kind that have been sitting around for so long, they're starting to use eggspletives.

Many communities allow chickens but not roosters, which can make a lot of noise at dawn, Kunselman said. He said regulations typically require a 25-foot setback from other homes to avoid disturbing neighbors. [Link]

Yeah, it's important not to disturb neighbors. That's why many people prefer to keep those really quiet creatures: dogs.

I wish my neighbors had roosters. That would save me the trouble of dragging a few children out of bed.

 The chicken talk enlivened Saturday's council retreat in the hometown of the University of Michigan.

"What's with the chickens?" Councilman Stephen Rapundalo asked Kunselman.

"Chickens lay eggs," Kunselman said. "I want fresh eggs. It's just a simple ordinance change."

"I want to have fresh milk," Rapundalo said. "Let's change the ordinance to allow cows or goats." [Link]

I wouldn't mind having a couple of cows or goats in my  yard. That would save me the trouble of mowing the lawn. And I could send my children out to milk them at 5 a.m. or earlier -- whenever the rooster awakens them.

Photo by Ward

Watch out, the camels are coming!

The UN-African Union peacekeeping force in Sudan's Darfur region is having trouble getting around. They don't have enough jeeps and helicopters, so they're resorting to the next best thing: camels. These are no ordinary camels, of course. These are combat-trained camels.

India's Border Security Force (BSF) said it received a request last week from the United Nations to send the specially schooled animals to the troubled African region. ...

"All our camels are engaged in border-guarding duties and this whole process could take a long time," said BSF spokesman Vijay Singh, adding the agency could currently spare up to 60 of its 700-plus battle-ready animals for Sudan.

Indian border security forces use camels for long-range reconnaissance, including night patrols to track arms and drugs smugglers heading into the western states of Rajasthan and Gujarat from nearby Pakistan. [Link]

Camels are great because not only can they attain speeds of 40 mph, they don't require you to empty your wallet at the gas station.

India and South Africa are the only countries known to use camels for military purposes. [Link]

The United States military has used camels in the past -- and not just the kind you smoke. According to Wikipedia, "The United States Army had an active camel corps stationed in California in the 19th century." But they were apparently too stubborn and aggressive, qualities that are acceptable only in the Commander-in-Chief.

BSF deputy commandant Kamal Kumar Rathore, who heads the force's camel division, said India could purchase the animals from the open market and transport them to Sudan after a crash course in combat.

"There is no dearth of camels and we can make outright purchases, put them through a capsule course of four months and dispatch them to that country," Rathore said. [Link]

UN Peacekeeper: "What happened? Why did our camels crash into each other?"

Second Peacekeeper: "Blame the Indians. They put these animals through a crash course."

He said the camels conscripted into the BSF are trained not to react to gunfire and are taught to crawl and follow other "soldierly movements." [Link]

Soldier: "Let's crawl behind these rocks, so the enemy doesn't see us."

Camel: "Good idea. All they'll see is a big hump sticking out."

"Our camels move up to 80 kilometres (50 miles) with short breaks carrying ammunition and two mounts and they would be perfect.... I would be happy to lead them into Sudan," Rathore said. [Link]

I hope all the historians around the world are paying attention. If they're going to have a chapter in their books entitled "Napoleon leads his soldiers into Russia," they'd better have one entitled "Rathore leads his camels into Sudan."

Photo by FriskoDude

New York City needs more monkeys, India doesn't

There are plenty of monkeys in New York City and many of them happen to be Jets fans. But they're not the type of monkeys you'd want to eat -- if you're into eating them, that is. Monkey meat is a delicacy for some West African people, including a Liberian immigrant named Mamie Manneh, who has been charged with meat smuggling. A mother of nine children, she faces five years in prison, in addition to a two-year sentence she's currently serving for an unrelated offense, and could also be deported.

Manneh testified last year that before arriving in the United States more than 25 years ago, monkey meat was critical to her religious upbringing.

At age 7, "I was baptized and they used that for the baptizing ceremony," she told a judge.

Baptisms, Easter, Christmas, weddings — all are occasions for eating monkey, Manneh's supporters said in a sworn statement filed with the court.

The statement was vague about how the meat is obtained, but explains that it always arrives dried and smoked. Once blessed by a pastor, "we usually prepare it by cooking it for several hours into a stew," they said.

For them, the exotic import is more than just food.

"We eat bushmeat," they said, "for our souls."  [Link]

I've never eaten monkey meat -- my local grocery store doesn't carry it -- but I don't think it's any different from eating other wild animals. If you were raised on monkey, you'd probably get a craving every time you visited the zoo. You'd say to yourself, "The sign says, 'Don't feed the monkeys,' but it doesn't say anything about feeding on them."

You'd probably also wish you could import monkeys from India, where they're causing trouble in some towns and cities, behaving almost as badly as Shiv Sena activists.

Troupes of monkeys are out of control in India's northeast, stealing mobile phones and breaking into homes to steal soft drinks from refrigerators, lawmakers in the region have complained.

"Monkeys are wreaking havoc in my constituency by taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators," Hiren Das told Assam state's assembly Saturday.

He said the primates were "even slapping women who try to chase them". [Link]

They're sipping Coke and slapping women? What are they going to do next -- watch football?

We really need to do something about these male chauvinist monkeys. Exporting them is a possibility, but there's an easier option: inviting Mamie Manneh and her nine children to visit. As she and her friends might say, "If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em."

Photo by davideoneclick

The bride wore orange and barked at the groom

Before Aishwarya Rai married fellow Bollywood actor Abhishek Bachchan, she married a tree, following the advice of astrologers and thus avoiding a curse. The groom was covered in bark, but at least "he" didn't bark.  P. Selvakumar, a 33-year-old Indian man, wasn't so lucky.

An Indian man has married a female dog, believing the union will help him atone for stoning two other dogs to death.

P Selvakumar, 33, said he had been cursed since the killings, suffering paralysis and a loss of hearing.

The wedding took place at a Hindu temple in Tamil Nadu state. The "bride" wore an orange sari with a flower garland and was fed a bun to celebrate. [Link]

A bun? What a cheapskate! Is he trying to bring another curse upon him? Surely he could have fed her some Indian sweets, instead of a measly bun. Perhaps he's upset at her. Perhaps he was hoping he would receive some dowry. A few bones or at least a dead rat.

Crowds cheered the newly-weds at the end of the ceremony in Sivaganga district, about 50km (30 miles) east of the city of Madurai.

The "bride", who is called Selvi, was led to the temple in Manamudurai wearing a sari before vows were exchanged in a traditional Hindu ceremony. [Link]

Vows were exchanged? No, those weren't vows. Those were bow-wows.

A relative of the groom who attended the wedding said he hoped Mr Selvakumar would now be cured.

"Fifteen years back Selvakumar was physically fit. But, once he attacked a pair of dogs and thereafter Kumar could not move his limbs freely," the relative, Ramu, told the BBC.

"He tried every cure for his ailment but could not be rid of his disability.

"On the advice of an astrologer and others, he decided to marry a bitch to get cured. Then we arranged Selvakumar's marriage with a bitch." [Link]

If I were Selvakumar, I'd avoid calling my new wife a bitch. I'd avoid saying things like "I can't stand the bitch" or "The bitch refuses to do any cooking" or "The bitch keeps asking me to do it human-style."

You have to wonder what Selvakumar's neighbors are saying.

Neighbor: "Have you seen Selvakumar's new wife? She's a dog."

Neighbor's friend: "That ugly, huh?"

Neighbor: "No, she's a cute dog, actually. This is another case of Beauty and the Beast."

All dogs are created equal

It would be nice if we lived in a color-blind society, wouldn't it? Not only would people benefit, so would certain animals. Apparently there's something called "black dog syndrome" and it's affecting an animal shelter in Alberta, Canada.

An inherent bias against dogs that are black makes it much harder to find them new homes, the executive director of Cold Lake's humane society said.

Twenty-two of the 30 dogs at the Lakeland Humane Society are victims of what Angie Feduniak calls "black dog syndrome."

"The way animals are portrayed in movies and TV, and stuff like that, the bad dogs are the black dogs," Feduniak said. [Link]

She's right -- it's always black dogs that are snarling and leaving teeth marks on someone's butt. What we need are some positive roles for black dogs. We need to get Hollywood to cast black dogs as guide dogs, sheepdogs and police dogs. We need to get Oprah to kiss black dogs on her show. And we need to get Elmo to say something like, "My best friend is a black dog."

Black dogs are also considered too common, she told CBC News this week. [Link]

Too common? That's like saying, "I'm not going to marry an Indian man. They're too common. Nope, I'm going to marry a guy from Greenland. There are only 20,000 of them."

Nor do black dogs take a good picture, she said. To make them look more appealing, she places them against light-coloured backdrops, or spruces them up with distinctive blankets or coloured bandanas before photographing them. [Link]

I'm dark-skinned, so I don't take a good picture either. In group photos, I'm usually the set of teeth in the back row. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't make a good pet. I would. I can lick your feet as well as anyone.

"I just wish that people would spend more time seeing the personality because I think if they did, they would realize, many times, black dogs are amazing animals," Feduniak said. [Link]

Yes, we are. I mean, yes, they are.