FunnyColumns

Unsung heroes of the Winter Games

Picture this: A Pakistani skier is hurtling down the slopes at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. “Come on, Muhammad, you can do it,” he says to himself. “Make your country proud.” A gold medal would be terrific and so would a silver or bronze, but Muhammad Abbas is a realistic man and knows it would be a great achievement, as the first Pakistani to ever compete in the Winter Olympics, just to finish the course ahead of the skier from India.

Abbas, 24, completed the two runs of the giant slalom in 79th place, about 43 seconds slower than the winner, Carlo Janko of Switzerland, but 14 seconds faster than India’s Jamyang Namgial, earning him a ticker-tape parade down the streets of Karachi. Perhaps even a date with Ayesha Gilani, Miss Pakistan World.

I’m not sure if Abbas was actually excited about finishing ahead of Namgial. Reporters didn’t get a chance to interview him, as he was busy carving the words “Pakistan Power” in the snow.

Namgial, one of three Winter Olympians from India, was last among skiers who completed the giant slalom. But he has plenty to be proud of. Not only did he make it to the bottom of the hill, he crossed the finish line with his entire head above the snow.

Yes, he didn’t fall on his face, sprain his ankle or suffer some other leg injury, like so many skiers who found themselves hobbling around Olympic Village on crutches, prompting one enterprising photographer to open a booth with a sign that said: “Get your Winter ‘Oh Limp’ Pics here!”

Just qualifying for the Winter Olympics was a major achievement for Namgial and cross-country skier Tashi Lundup. The Indian government doesn’t invest much money in winter sports, just a few million rupees or so, barely enough to cover the cost of importing snow from Russia.

Actually India does get some flakes in the northern regions –- and not just when the backpackers run their fingers through their hair. But with little financial support and inadequate equipment, it was quite a challenge for Namgial to learn to ski. If you don’t believe me, just try coming down a mountain slope with two cricket bats glued to your shoes.

Namgial deserves our admiration, as do the other Winter Olympians from warm-weather countries, athletes such as Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong of Ghana, Leyti Seck of Senegal and Robel Teklemariam of Ethiopia. Not only do they have little, if any, snow in their native countries, people think they’re crazy when they pour dried potato flakes down a hill.

Friend: “Hey man, why you wasting all this food?”

Athlete: “I’m not wasting it. I’m pretending it’s snow. The Ministry of Sports bought it for me.”

Friend: “You better not let them see you. I don’t think they knew what you meant when you asked them for training food.”

For Skiwell Phiri of Zambia, going to the Winter Olympics was an experience he’ll be telling his grandchildren about. I’m so glad he shared it with us through Twitter:

---“Just arrived in Vancouver. It’s so white over here -– and I’m not talkin bout the people.”

---“Brrrr … It’s freezin outside. I don’t know what’s crazier –- me coming here or Canadians complaining about global warming.”

---“Does anyone know if it’s safe to defrost my brain in the microwave?”

---“Whose idea was it to have the Winter Olympics in such a cold country anyway?”

---“I just met the Olympians from Ghana, Senegal and Ethiopia. They were in the main lounge of Olympic Village, huddled around the fireplace.”

---“It’s time to go home. I enjoyed the Winter Olympics, despite the weather. Maybe next time I’ll come as a competitor.”

Watch out Bono, here comes Moyo

Bono, the U2 singer, believes that western nations should give aid to Africa. Dambisa Moyo does not. She may not be as famous as Bono, but just wait. The Zambian-born, Oxford-educated economist is going places -- and making a lot of people sweat.

Galled by the ease with which Dambisa Moyo, the Zambian economist and former investment banker, has suddenly risen to prominence this year, activists are circulating detailed critiques of her ideas and mass mailing African non-government organisations to mobilise support against her.

Yet it is proving hard to suppress the hyperactive graduate of Oxford and Harvard, who pops up weekly in a new capital to promote her book Dead Aid- the title itself an affront to rock star Bob Geldof's Live Aid campaigns.

The former Goldman Sachs strategist has become something of a phenomenon. In April, she hit the New York Times bestseller list; this month she was named on Time Magazine's list of the 100 most influential people, and has been appointed to the board of brewer SAB Miller.

Within days of reading about her, Paul Kagame, Rwanda's president, flew Ms Moyo out to address his government. This month, Col Muammar Gadaffi, the Libyan leader, invited her to Tripoli. [Link]

Dambisa, please don't go to Tripoli. Gadaffi may say he's interested in your ideas, but what do you think he said to those other pretty women he invited to Tripoli? Trust me, you aren't going to sell a lot of books with the name "Dambisa Gadaffi."

Broadly, Ms Moyo argues that official development assistance has fostered dependency and perpetuated poor governance. She proposes a blend of commercial debt, microfinance, fairer trade and investment in its place.

Her ideas are not especially new. But the publicity she has attracted poses challenges to an industry accustomed to having the most vocal campaigners on its side. Activists fear that in Ms Moyo, developed countries seeking an excuse to slash aid budgets, have found one at a time that Africa is especially in need. They dismiss her book as simplistic - even dangerous. Some critics claim her ideas are gaining prominence because of the novelty of a passionate, young African woman taking on the aid establishment. [Link]

She's not just young and passionate, she's also smart, attractive and eloquent, a deadly combination. Not that I agree with her. I think that aid can work -- if it goes to the right projects, if it doesn't end up in politicians' pockets. Those are big IFs. Here's a bigger IF: Bono could easily win a debate against Moyo -- if she happens to have a bad case of laryngitis.

Amobi Okoye gives back to Nigeria

Pro football players are always getting into trouble with the law. At least that's how it seems. Just take a look at the typical NFL player's speed dial: 1. Lawyer; 2. Attorney; 3. Counsel; 4. Bail bondsman. 

That's why it's so refreshing to read about the good guys -- and there are more good guys in the NFL than bad guys, no matter what you might read in the police blotter. Take Amobi Okoye, for example. The 21-year-old Houston Texans defensive end is giving back to his motherland, Nigeria, in a big way.

He will take a short break from working out at Reliant Stadium to return to Nigeria. Traveling with fellow NFL players, including Oakland’s Nnamdi Asomugha, the New York Giants’ Osi Umenyiora and Chicago’s Tommie Harris, Okoye will embark on another nine-day mission funded mostly by himself.

He will hand out 20 more C.A.T.E. (Changing Africa Through Education) scholarships to 10 girls and 10 boys heading to universities in Nigeria. The players also will conduct two football camps. [Link]

It's a great program, even if one boy got slapped by his girlfriend for wearing a T-shirt that said "I LOVE CATE."

The six doctors and seven nurses traveling with the group will offer free clinics to Nigerians in need, and Okoye will present his plans for his newest project — a type of prep school that would possibly be located in the capital city of Abuja.

“We want to build an academy,” Okoye said. “It’s an academy that would excel in sports and academics, with football, soccer and tennis being the major sports of concentration. It would also teach the other Olympic sports. [Link]

The academy may help Nigeria produce many more NFL players whose names Americans can't pronounce. As ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli pointed out a few years ago, "Of all the emerging African countries, it is Nigeria, it seems, that is foremost in emerging as a hothouse for developing athletes capable of performing at the NFL level."

Amobi Okoye, Nnamdi Asomugha, Osi Umenyiora, Adewale Ogunleye, Victor Adeyanju ... if you can say those names quickly 20 times, then you'd better contact Fox Sports. They're looking for a good NFL announcer.

There's so much you can do with your head

You don't have to go to a circus to see amazing feats. Just check out this Bangladeshi brick mover (via Ultrabrown):

When that man was growing up, his parents kept saying to him: "Use your head, son! Use your head!"

Meanwhile, my wife keeps saying to me, "Why don't you ever use your head?"

It's incredible what people can do with their heads. They can carry baskets of groceries:

 

They can carry 100 lb bags of charcoal, while also carrying a baby:

 

They can carry television sets:
 

And they can carry new $2,500 Indian cars:

Basket photo by Nir Nussbaum; charcoal photo by Mansir Petrie; TV photo by Max-thinks-sees.

Flight of the Obama relatives

Kenya Airways Flight KQ102 had just left Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi, bound for London. The chief flight attendant, John Mburu, glanced at the manifest and was pleased to see that almost every passenger on the flight was named Obama. There was a George Obama, a Yusuf Obama, a Miriam Obama, even a Sanjay Obama.

They must all be going to the inauguration, Mburu thought. He had heard that Barack Obama had 1,432 relatives in Kenya, twice as many as he did before the election.

It made him feel proud, like he was part of history, serving the new president's relatives on the first leg of their journey. Perhaps, when things were quieter in the cabin, he would ask one of the Obamas if they would bring back a souvenir for him, such as an official 2009 Presidential Inauguration bottle of wine.

He couldn't believe how loud it was in the cabin. It was almost midnight, but there was so much chatter and merriment, he could barely hear the engine of the Boeing 777. He decided to walk slowly down the aisle, pretending to check the overhead compartments, hoping to catch snippets of conversation.

“I don’t understand him at all,” a middle-aged man was saying to another in the first row. “He hasn’t offered us any jobs. What kind of African politician is he?”

“That’s the problem,” the second man said. “He isn’t an African politician. He is an African-American politician.”

“But he is African first, then American. Otherwise he would be American-African.”

“You are right, brother. We need to remind him of that. What position would you like?”

“Oh, that’s easy. United States Ambassador to Kenya. What about you?”

“I want to be Special Envoy to the Oprah Winfrey Show.” They both laughed.

Getting Canadian citizenship the easy way

There are three easy ways to get Canadian citizenship: (1) marry a Canadian citizen; (2) get a Canadian family to adopt you; and (3) get your mother to give birth to you while flying over Canada.

Well, the third one isn't so easy, especially if you've already been born. But for at least one baby, it was a cinch.

A transatlantic flight arrived in America with an extra passenger after a Ugandan woman gave birth to a baby girl with the help of two doctors aboard.

Passengers cheered and applauded the arrival of little Sasha aboard Northwest Airlines Flight 59 from Amsterdam to Boston on New Year’s Eve, and even offered the new-born baby food.

The healthy 6 1/2lb infant was immediately taken to Massachusetts General Hospital on landing in Boston. But she is considered a Canadian citizen because she was born in Canadian airspace. [Link]

I'm not sure if her mother is thrilled about that. Perhaps she's saying to herself, "If only I had kept my baby inside me for a few minutes longer, she could have been an American."

It was an eight-hour flight that was normal for the first six hours -- until the woman went into labor. That's when the crew asked if there were any doctors on board.

Dr Paresh Thakker, returning home from his medical school reunion in India, and Dr Natarajan Raman, who had been at a wedding in India, both responded to the call. They found the woman doubled over and wailing in her seat in row 33 with labour pains.

The flight crew asked Dr Thakkar, a former emergency room doctor who now works as the medical director at a Massachusetts health centre, if he wanted the plane to make an emergency landing.

“I said, ’No, let me examine her first. I examined her and the head was coming out. So I said, ’No, it’s an emergency and we will do it here,’ “ he told the Boston Globe. [Link]

It must not have been easy, giving birth on a plane. But then again, how many Ugandan women -- or women of any nationality, for that matter -- get to give birth with two doctors assisting them?

'Nobody' cares about the elderly

My 2-year-old son, Rahul, is still in diapers, which means that at least once a day, there's some heavy-duty wiping to do. Even when his mother is home from work, he insists that his stay-at-home Dad does the honors. It's his way of rewarding me, I suppose. Since I feed him during the day, taking care of the input, he doesn't want me to miss out on the output.

My 4-year-old daughter, Divya, often shows up to watch the diaper-changing, like a raccoon drawn to a foul smell. She doesn't just watch, of course. She has to offer some commentary, usually in the form of one word: "YUCK!"

Yuck is right. It can be pretty yucky, but all parents have to do it, except the ones who have nannies to handle it for them. I feel sorry for those parents. They'll never have the pleasure of saying to their grown children, "Don't talk to me like that! I used to change your diapers, you know! I used to wipe your butt!"

Nursing assistants who care for the elderly and disabled often have to change diapers too -- and I'm sure it's not a pleasant task. But it's part of their job and they know they're helping people.

Kenyans hope to benefit from Obama's leadership

NAIROBI, KENYA -- A group of Kenyan leaders have started a petition to persuade U.S. President-elect Barack Obama, whose father was Kenyan and who has many relatives in Kenya, to serve as Kenya's president at the same time.

"We heard that he plans to fix America's economy," said Joseph Wambui, president of an organization called KNOB (Kenya Needs Obama Badly). “We want him to fix Kenya’s economy too.”

Almost 50 percent of Kenyans live in poverty, many of them unable to afford basic necessities. "We heard that Obama is the leader of the free world,” said Elizabeth Mbaru, a mother of three. “But there is nothing free in the world. We don't have money to buy it."

Wambui believes that Obama would have no trouble governing Kenya from Washington D.C., especially in the Internet Age. “We are a small country,” Wambui said. “He will be in charge of 50 states, so why not 51?”

Obama is believed to have 1,432 relatives in Kenya, twice as many as he did before he won the election. According to Wambui, Obama can boost Kenya's economy simply by wiring money to all his relatives for Christmas. "That would be a small step," Wambui said. "But if he's our president, we hope he will think of each of us as his relatives."

Many of Obama's relatives plan to attend his inauguration on Jan. 20. “Yes, we will definitely come,” said Anthony Obama, a sixth cousin. “I heard he has a big house. The rooms are so big, we can play football in them."

Added James Obama, a ninth cousin: "Please tell Brother Obama that we are looking forward to travelling in Air Force One. I want a window seat.”

Obama is so popular in Kenya that the country declared a national holiday on Nov. 6 to celebrate his election victory. No other country did so, though French President Nicolas Sarkozy did permit government employees to bring champagne to work.

Obama's victory put Kenyans into such a good mood that the government issued a warning to all hospitals to expect a baby boom in nine months. Many of those babies will be named after Obama and his wife, Michelle. Numerous babies have already been named after the couple. A Mombasa woman named her twins "Barack Obama" and "Michelle Obama," saying the names were just perfect for her boys.

A woman in northern Kenya, hearing that Obama will be the 44th president of America, named her baby daughter "Forty Four," while a Nakuru couple named their baby son "Defeat McCain."

Getting Romantic, the Nigerian way

Okay, I admit it. It's been a long time since I wrote anything romantic. My days of writing romatic poetry are long gone -- and my wife should be thankful for that, because my poetry was as impressive as Al Gore's dancing. These days, I just get my wife a card, one that expresses exactly how I'm feeling. So perhaps I shouldn't be too hard on all the Nigerians who are buying Femi Emmanuel's book "Touching the heart through unforgettable text messages (vol.2)." Thanks to him, here's what might happen:

Your mobile phone beeps, you have received a text message.

It begins: "I swear, I will make sure I give you HIV..."

...

"H is for Happiness and joy forever with an I: Incomparable love that will never V: Vanish until death do us part. I love you," the message concludes. [Link]

What do you think? Funny? Romantic? Both? Perhaps it works in Nigeria, but I don't think it would score high on the romance scale in North America, except perhaps with college students who've had a little too much to drink. I'm not really surprised where Emmanuel gets his inspiration.

"I was watching a Bollywood film and the main actor said to his female lead 'hey baby, I'm a crazy lover'," Mr Emmanuel told the BBC.

"I thought 'that's good,' I paused the DVD and copied down the subtitles."

The text message threatening HIV was inspired by watching a Nigerian film.

"In the film, a man threatened a woman with giving her HIV. I thought how could I turn this acronym into a message?"

"You could send the first sentence on its own," he says.

"You are putting them in suspense, to create fear, and then you follow up with the interpretation that will give them joy and happiness." [Link]

He must be doing something right -- he has sold thousands of copies of his books, bringing himself lots of joy and happiness. Perhaps it's just me who has lost touch with what's considered romantic. After all, check out these "romantic texts" that several BBC readers contributed:

My love for you is like Diarrhea, it flows like a river.
Salan, Dubai

A good friend is like a good bra. Hard to find, comfortable, supportive, prevents you from falling, holds you tight and is always close to your heart. You'll forever be my BRA!
Olawale B, London

u r the only mosquito in my net
Patrick, London [Link]

Perhaps I should try the BRA line on my wife. On second thought, I may never see hers again.

Kirsty Coventry makes a splash for Zimbabwe

Some of my favorite stories from the Olympic Games are about athletes who bring glory to countries that would otherwise enjoy very little limelight. Samuel Matete, the 400m hurdler, is one of those athletes. He won a silver medal at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta and proudly carried the Zambian flag around the stadium, much to my delight.

At the Beijing Olympics, as she did four years earlier, Kirsty Coventry put Zimbabwe near the top of the medal table, giving some of her countrymen their widest smiles since independence.

The Harare-born swimmer has won four medals in Beijing, three silver and one gold, and seven medals in her career, making me wish she had been born just a few hundred miles north.

“Part of the reason I'm still swimming and still motivated is to raise my country's flag high and shine some good, positive light on my country at home,” says Coventry, who refuses to comment publicly on Zimbabwe's divisive political crisis. “I don't know how many athletes have their whole country supporting them. Every time I go home, I have people in the street cheering me.”

Or parents naming newborn sons and daughters after her. Shortly after the Athens Olympics, there was a Swimmingpool Nhanga born in Harare, a Freestyle Zuze, a Breaststroke Musendame, a Butterfly Masocha, a Backstroke Banda. [Link]

Before the Athens Olympics, there was a CantSwim Ndlovu, a DogPaddle Zulu, a BackStrain Banda.

Her grand return to Harare was televised on live TV for two hours. Mugabe presented her with the equivalent of $50,000 U.S. as “pocket money.”

That Coventry is a white girl from a Harare suburb who went to college in the United States and still lives there doesn't seem to matter to the 12 million residents of Zimbabwe, all but a few thousand of whom are black and poor. They consider her one of their own, a lifeline to the rest of the world, a beacon of hope in an ever-darkening existence. [Link]

Coventry could have found a way to swim for the United States, could have made more money in the process, but she didn't. She swam for the country where she was born, where she grew up. And she swam into the hearts of 12 million people.

Column: Appreciate Mandela while you can

Nelson Mandela will turn 90 soon and, much to my dismay, his birthday has not been declared an international holiday. I have no choice but to declare it a personal holiday and spend it thinking about Mandela and the great example of his life, while sipping beer on the couch. Let the wife take out the trash.

Wife: "What are you drinking at this time of the day?"

Me: "It's not what I'm drinking that's important. It's what I'm thinking."

Wife: "I know what you're thinking -- that you need to do more drinking."

Me: "No, I'm thinking about Nelson Mandela. Did you know that he spent 27 years in prison, then came out and reconciled with his oppressors? That means that there's still hope for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger."

Wife: "Exactly how much have you had to drink?"

Actually, the only beer I drink is ginger beer. But I do occasionally drink wine and I'm hoping to raise a toast to the great man. Of course, one toast may not be enough. I'll probably have to toast him all day.

Me (raising glass): "To Mandela. May he live until he's 125."

Wife: "Isn't that your 125th toast today?"

Me: "Yeah, but don't worry: I'm going to take a break for breakfast. I'm starving."

Wife: "What are you going to have?"

Me: "Toast, of course. So I can raise it in Mandela's honor."

Breaking news: Nader agrees to run against Mugabe

As world leaders call on President Robert Mugabe to postpone Zimbabwe's upcoming election, following the withdrawal of his only opponent, Ralph Nader has agreed to run against Mugabe.

Nader's unexpected candidacy will help restore some credibility to the election, experts say. "It's a win-win situation," said Simon Ndlovu, political science professor at New York University. "Mugabe needed someone to run against. And Nader has always wanted to expand his presidential campaign to other countries."

The election was meant to be a runoff between Mugabe and opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai. But Tsvangirai withdrew from the race earlier this week, citing widespread violence against his supporters. Mugabe, facing criticism from Queen Elizabeth, Nelson Mandela and others, is believed to have reached out to Nader privately.

Nader ran for U.S. president in 1992, 1996, 2000 and 2004, and intends to run again this year, unless he is elected president of Zimbabwe.

Speaking at a press conference, the 74-year-old denied that he was a token candidate, stressing his intention to win the election. Referring to Mugabe as "the old man," Nader said he would bring a "fresh, youthful perspective" to the presidency.

Asked to distinguish himself from Mugabe, Nader was blunt: "My head isn't in the sand."

Noting that Mugabe has ruled Zimbabwe for 28 years, Nader promised to introduce term limits. "In America, presidents are limited to two terms or eight years," he said. "But Zimbabwe, as we all know, is plagued with inflation."

Nader has received a powerful endorsement in his bid to unseat Mugabe: Barack Obama. "Let me just say this," Obama said at a campaign stop in Detroit. "Nothing would make me happier than to see Ralph Nader elected as president of Zimbabwe. I think we can all agree that he would be an improvement over Robert Mugabe. It would be a great outcome for Zimbabwe and, obviously, a great outcome for America."

Paul Varghese and the jungles of Africa

Dear Paul,

We enjoyed your recent performance on Last Comic Standing. It was really funny. We've enjoyed several of your previous performances. We think you're one of the funniest comedians alive. That's why we were thrilled when you mentioned the "jungles of Africa" on Last Comic Standing. It was a great moment for our continent, being promoted like that on American TV.

Ever since your performance, we've received thousands of calls from Americans interested in visiting our jungles and meeting Tarzan and Jane. To show you our gratitude, we'd like to invite you to Africa for a special "Jungle Comedy Tour." All the inhabitants of the jungle are eager to eat meet you.

Sincerely,

Michael Tembo

Tourism Coordinator, African Jungles

David Livingstone didn't discover Victoria Falls

Colleen Simard, a columnist for the Winnipeg Free Press, has written about a tribe of indigenous people in the Amazon who were recently photographed pointing their bows and arrows at a plane. They've apparently lived in seclusion all these years, far from what we consider civilization. Simard, who's a member of Canada's indigenous people, says she cheered for her "brothers and sisters" when she saw the story on national TV.

Some media reports said the tribe had been discovered. Discovered? Now wait a minute. The word discovery wasn't right in Columbus' day, and it shouldn't cut it today either.

The word "discovery" always makes me bristle. It's like we were hiding under rocks like crayfish or something. You're meeting up with a tribe of people, not plants or animals.

It also gives weight to the misguided idea we were just hanging around doing nothing, when actually we had our own governments, cultures, practiced ecological farming and hunting, and had villages and trading systems that spanned the country.

Primitive? I think not.

My interpretation of history is that our ancestors probably saw the newcomers coming from miles away. They probably checked them out pretty good, maybe for a few days or weeks. Then they decided to be friendly and help the newcomers out. It was our way, after all.

We didn't go around saying we "discovered" newcomers, although that's probably a more accurate explanation. [Link]

The word "discovered" doesn't sit well with me either. During my schooldays in Zambia, I learned about a host of European explorers who discovered parts of the world where people were already living.

The Scottish missionary David Livingstone was the chief discoverer of central Africa, walking great distances during his lifetime. He discovered the Zambezi River, he discovered Victoria Falls and he discovered sores on his feet.

Thankfully, his Wikipedia entry merely states that he was "the first European" to see the Victoria Falls, which is a far cry from discovering it. (If you're wondering who has the distinction of being the first Asian to see the Falls, it was some guy from India who didn't hire a good publicist.)

Wikipedia notwithstanding, Livingstone doesn't have to worry about his legacy as a discoverer. He is, after all, the subject of a book by Ben Alex called "David Livingstone: The Missionary Who Discovered Africa." The BBC website says that he "discovered a spectacular waterfall which he named 'Victoria Falls'." Wholesome Words credits him with discovering Lake Nyassa, Lake Moero, Lake 'Ngami, the upper Zambezi, Lake Tanganyika and Lake Bangweulu.

How did Livingstone manage to do so much discovering? The answer might be found in his diary:

November 17th, 1855: "Today, I had the good fortune of meeting a group of natives who took me to see a spectacular waterfall. Upon discovering the falls, I named it after Queen Victoria. Then I asked the natives if there was anything else they would like me to discover. 'Yes,' they said eagerly, and they took me to their village, where an attractive young woman invited me into her hut, saying 'I hear you want to make more discoveries, Dr. Livingstone.'"

The foreigners are at fault again

I've been a foreigner or immigrant in a few countries and, let me tell you, it's not always easy. In Zambia, where I grew up, strangers would occasionally call me "mwenye," a term for Indians that's not too endearing. In America, a few people, unhappy that I criticized the Iraq War and other U.S. policies, have sent me emails saying, "If you don't like it here, then go back to where you came from." (I tried to go back to where I came from, but there just wasn't enough space in my mother's womb.) In Canada, I've yet to experience any xenophobia, aside from a rather unpleasant encounter with a border official, an older lady who talked to my wife and I as though we were dogs. I can't tell you how much I felt like biting her.

The vast majority of people in Zambia and North America have treated me well, so it's easy to overlook the slights. I really can't complain, considering what other foreigners or immigrants have had to endure around the world. Just look at what's happening in South Africa, where mobs are attacking Zimbabweans and other foreigners.

Many of those who have sought refuge in police stations, churches and community halls are Zimbabweans, who have fled violence and poverty at home.

Up to three million Zimbabweans are thought to be in South Africa.

The BBC's Caroline Hawley in Johannesburg says the immigrants have become a scapegoat for social problems, such as unemployment, crime and a lack of housing. [Link]

In almost every country, there's a segment of the population that isn't doing well, a segment that's struggling to make ends meet. It's easy for these people (and others) to blame foreigners for their problems. Who else are they going to blame -- the government?

Native American (sipping a Budweiser): "If it wasn't for white people, I'd have a job!"

White American (sipping a Corona): "Well, if it wasn't for Mexicans, I'd have a job!"

Mexican-American (sipping a Red Stripe): "Well, if it wasn't for Jamaicans, I'd have a job!"

Jamaican-American: "Excuse me, guys. It's closing time. Time to go home now."

Mexican-American: "Go home? I'm tired of people telling me to go home. This is my home."

White American: "No, you're wrong. This is my home. I've lived here longer than you."

Native American: "No, both of you are wrong. This is my home. My ancestors were here before anyone decided to build a bar here."

Even if you were born in a particular country, you might still be considered a foreigner, especially if you don't look like the majority, as Hanif Adams realized recently when he tried unsuccessfully to become president of the Football Association of Zambia. A number of commenters on one Zambian blog thought of him as "just a mwenye." Others, thankfully, saw no merit in focusing on his race.

Look at the developed nations and see why they are so successful. America, Canada, the UK thrives on the expertise of immigrants. They embrace people from all walks of life and races in their development. You are going to write off someone with a proven administrative record just because he is of Indian race? [Link]

Embrace people from all walks of life and races? What a foreign concept.

Photo by Robotson

The creative kids who make wire cars

My kids were watching Sesame Street this morning and I caught a segment called Global Grover, in which the blue monster traveled to South Africa to find out how children make wire cars. It triggered a flood of memories of my childhood in Zambia. We didn't have lots of toys, but somehow managed to have lots of fun, using our creativity and imagination. Some children were adept at making wire cars. I could never make one. I wasn't particularly good with my hands, except when it came to fighting with my sister. I wasn't as talented as 11-year-old Taurai Moyo of Chivamba, Zimbabwe, who was featured in Highlights magazine.

When he was about five years old, Taurai visited his cousin in Harare, the capital of Zimbabwe, and learned to make wire cars. At eight, he was one of the best wire-car makers in his class. Today, he is the best at his school.

Taurai did not keep the skill of making wire cars all to himself. Many of his friends, like twelve-year-old Chenjerai, a talented wire-car maker, were once his students. According to Chenjerai, “What you need are the basic skills of shaping and straightening the wires, but first you have to observe how someone skilled, like Taurai, does it.” [Link]

Observing doesn't always work. I tried observing talented wire-car makers, but my creations always ended up looking like this. Making a good wire car isn't easy. Not only does your car have to move smoothly, it also has to look good. How else are you supposed to impress the young ladies?

Most of the boys can “drive” their cars anywhere they go—to school, church, and shops. Some wire cars are strong enough to carry parcels weighing up to two pounds.

Wire cars are driven on gravel roads or narrow paths littered with stones and covered with grass. Although you don’t need a license to drive a wire car, Taurai warns that “You need to be careful, just like someone driving a real car. If you are not, you may bump into a stone, and suddenly the whole car becomes a wreck.” [Link]

What do you do if your wire car is involved in an accident? You tow it to the wire-car garage, of course. And then you call your wire-car insurance agent.

Just like real cars, wire cars sometimes need repairs. The most troublesome parts are the wheels, which need to be regularly straightened to maintain balance. Other repairs include tightening up the wires that are fastened together.

Taurai has his own garage, where he makes and repairs his cars. He also repairs his friends’ cars that are involved in road accidents. These cars are usually complete wrecks, but they are not thrown away. The wires are unattached, straightened, and used to make a whole new car. [Link]

What do you do if you don't have enough money to pay the wire-car garage? You have it wired to you, of course.

I miss playing with wire cars. I wish my son would play with one. Unfortunately too many kids these days have gone wireless.

How to end the Kenyan domination

When it comes to marathons, there are seemingly two classes of runners: (1) Kenyans and (2) everyone else. The Kenyans usually beat everyone else. Actually, "beat" is inaccurate. How about "trounce"?  Well, that's not accurate either. How about "crush"?

How dominant have they been? The Boston Globe offers some clues, noting that Kenyans have won all but four Boston Marathons since Ibrahim Hussein's victory in 1988. In recent years, they've owned all five World Marathon Majors.

Since 2000, Kenyans have claimed Boston, Berlin, and Chicago six times apiece, London and New York four. "It's one of the most impressive streaks in sports we've ever seen," says New York race director Mary Wittenberg. [Link]

They've been especially dominant at the Boston Marathon largely because the race's organizers believe in inviting the best runners from around the world, no matter their country of origin. And invariably, many of them are Kenyan. In last year's world rankings, 68 of the top 100 marathoners were Kenyan, and seven of them finished in the top ten at Boston.

If Boston's elite field seems lopsided with Kenyans, that isn't a problem for the BAA. "I've heard comments over the years that it'd be nice to have an American win again," says Morse. "But we've always subscribed to the view that we should invite the best to be here, wherever they're from. I don't think it's a negative that the Kenyans have continued to dominate." [Link]

No, it's not a negative. But we really should give the non-Kenyans a fighting chance. I propose that we change the rules slightly:

1. All participants must run 26 miles. Kenyans must run all of them backwards.

2. All participants must wear running shoes. Kenyans must also wear ankle weights.

3. All participants must sign an injury waiver. Kenyans must also sign autographs along the route.

4. All participants may refresh themselves at the water stations. Kenyans must also stop at the Starbucks coffee station.

5. All participants must pass a drug test. Kenyans must also pass the Medical College Admissions Test (MCAT).

I know what you're thinking: The Kenyans would still win.

Photo by Stuart Atkins

Will Mugabe 'take' off like the Clintons did?

When Bill and Hillary Clinton left the White House in January 2001, after eight years of living in rent-free luxury, conservatives were in a tizzy over reports that the Clintons not only trashed the house, but also made off with furnishings that didn't belong to them. It turned out that the reports of vandalism were untrue, and that Bill Clinton had mistakenly assumed that the Oval Office desk belonged to him. After all, no other president had spent so much time under it. Actually, Clinton didn't take the desk, but he and Hillary did take scores of other items that apparently were gifts to the White House, not to them.

Reporter: "Did you take items from the White House that didn't belong to you?"

Bill Clinton: "It depends on what your definition of 'take' is."

Reporter: "Did you move them to your new home?"

Clinton: "No, I didn't. I didn't move anything."

Reporter: "Did the moving company move them for you?"

Clinton: "Yes, the moving company did. But we have reprimanded them. And we're returning some items, paying for some items, and donating some items."

Reporter: "Who are you donating to?"

Clinton: "Uh ... Chelsea."

After they were criticized for taking $190,000 worth of china, flatware, rugs, televisions, sofas and other gifts with them when they left, the Clintons announced last week that they would pay for $86,000 worth of gifts, or nearly half the amount.

Their latest decision to send back $28,000 in gifts brings to $114,000 the value of items the Clintons have either decided to pay for or return. [Link]

It makes me wonder what's going to happen in Zimbabwe when Robert and Grace Mugabe move out of the State House, as they might do very soon, if Mugabe and his supporters can't manipulate election results. The 84-year-old leader has been in power for 28 years and has probably put his name on everything in the State House, including the kitchen sink.

Mugabe: "We need to take everything. Everything must go: sofas, chairs, beds, lights, plates, cups, bowls ..."

Grace: "All the bowls?"

Mugabe: "Yes, yes, all the bowls, even the toilet bowls."

Grace: "What about the tables?"

Mugabe: "Yes, yes, all the tables, even the vegetables."

Grace: "What about the pets?"

Mugabe: "Yes, yes, all the pets, even the carpets."

 

Goodness gracious, I've won the lottery!

I don't know how it happened, but I've won a lottery. I just got an email from the desk of the vice president of International Promotions in the Prize Awards Department of the Australian International Sweepstakes Lottery Corp.

You hereby have been approved a prize of US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION DOLLARS) in cash credit file ref: ILP/HW 47509/02 from the total cash prize shared amongst eight lucky winners in this category. All participants were selected through a computer balloting system drawn from One hundred thousand E-mail addresses from Canada, Australia, United States, Asia, Europe, Middle East and Africa as part of our international promotions program which is conducted annually.

Wow, that's fantastic.  I love the Australians. Such generous people. I have only one question: Should I quit my job now or wait until I get the money?

This Lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate of some multinational companies in Australia as part of their social responsibility to the citizens in the communities where they have operational base.

I've always believed in social responsibility, especially the type of social responsibility that gives me one million bucks.

Further more your details(e-mail address) falls within our European representative office in Amsterdam,Holland, as indicated in your play coupon and your prize of US$1,000,000.00 will be released to you from our Australian regional branch bureau in NIGERIA.

The money will be released from Nigeria? That's wonderful! I grew up in Africa, so this must be some kind of divine providence. Did I mention that Australia and Nigeria are my favorite countries?

Simply contact our Fiducial Agent, DR. Felix Williams.at (ausllotto_agent004@yahoo.com) to file for your claim. Please quote your Date of draw, Reference Number, Batch Number and Winning Number, which can be found on the top-left corner of this message. Also, you should give in your telephone number to help locate your file easily. For security reasons, we advice all winners to keep this information confidential from the public until your claim is processed and your prize has been released to you.

Of course I'll keep it confidential. I won't tell a soul, except for my wife, children and extended family. My wife is going to be so excited.

Me: "One million bucks, honey! And I didn't even have to buy a ticket!"

Malathi: "Are you sure it's real?"

Me: "Of course it's real. Just look at the email address of their Fiducial Agent: ausllotto_agent004@yahoo.com. Doesn't that look real?"

Malathi: "Oh, I'm so happy! I can't wait to tell my relatives. I never told you this before, but some of them actually believed that marrying you would never pay off."

Me: "That's amazing!"

Malathi: "What's amazing? That some of them thought you'd never be a success?"

Me: "No, that some of them thought I would."

Photo by tobym

Robert Mugabe: A leader in denial

It's hard to imagine an economy in worse shape than Zimbabwe's. The country, which is having a presidential election on Saturday, was once the bread basket of Africa. Nowadays, few people get to eat bread, even if they have a ton of dough.

The Spar supermarket has bread at only $7 million a loaf. People rush to the shelf duly marked $7 million, but by the time they reach the till with their hyper-inflated Zimbabwean dollars, the price is up to $25 million.

That equals just 62 American cents, more than a teacher makes in a week. "How can we afford to eat that?" a woman exclaims. Customers leave their loaves at the counter and walk out with their brick-sized bundles of bank notes, angry and disconsolate. [Link]

Question: What do you call a Zimbabwean man who wins $25 million in the lottery?

Answer: The breadwinner of the family.

President Robert Mugabe has helped drag his country's economy into the ditch, but he nevertheless  hopes to return to office, apparently believing that, even at 84 years of age, he still has enough energy to dig a deeper ditch. "Let's give him a chance," his supporters seem to be saying. "Twenty-eight years isn't enough."

But does Mugabe really want to turn things around? He seems to think Zimbabwe is doing well as it is.

Mugabe rarely gives interviews to independent journalists but spoke for two-and-a half hours to Heidi Holland last December for her book, Dinner with Mugabe.

She concluded that Mugabe was profoundly out of touch, surrounded by sycophants too scared to tell him the truth about the dire state of Zimbabwe.

When Holland suggested that the economy was in a mess, Mugabe angrily insisted that Zimbabwe was "a hundred times better" than most African countries.

"Outside South Africa, what country is like Zimbabwe?" Mugabe said. "Even now. What is lacking now are goods on the shelves, perhaps, that's all. But the infrastructure is there. We have our mines, you see. We have our enterprises." [Link]

Do you know what Americans would do if they went to the grocery store and found the shelves bare? They'd barbecue the president for dinner.

Then again, Mugabe meat may not taste as good as Bushmeat.

Photo by Sokwanele