Column: Shedding some light on Africa

In my ongoing quest to get Americans to visit the rest of the world, I've decided to answer a series of questions about the continent I grew up in, which some people still refer to as Darkest Africa.

Question: I am thinking of going on a mission trip to Kenya, but my mother is against it, because she was watching the National Geographic channel the other day and found out that there are lions there. Is that true and how do I protect myself? -- Mike, New York.

Answer: Yes, there are lions in Kenya and most of them, as your mother may have told you, are big and hungry. Now you know why Kenyans are such good runners. You can protect yourself by wearing a good pair of running shoes and always carrying a spear. It's also wise to travel with a companion, preferably one who's slower than you. I don't mean to scare you, but most lions in Kenya are tired of eating local people and consider foreigners a delicacy. So please give your mother a big hug before you leave. And don't forget to write a will.

Q: My company has offered me a short stint in Zimbabwe. Before I accept, I have a couple of questions. Does Zimbabwe have any cities? What about electricity? -- Luther, Maryland.

A: There are no cities in Zimbabwe, only villages. Harare is the capital village. There's no electricity either, just something called electrivillage. Don't worry: It will provide enough light for your hut, as long as you remember to fill it up regularly with fireflies.

Q: My husband and I are traveling to Somalia next month. Do they accept credit cards there or should we carry cash? -- Jennifer, North Carolina.

A: Neither. Your best bet is to carry lots of shells. You can buy them at a crafts store or collect them at the beach. Five hundred shells will get you a room in a decent hotel, but if you want to stay in a first-class one, you'll probably have to shell out more.

Q: My friends and I will be visiting South Africa soon, but would also like to see the magnificent Victoria Falls in Zambia. Can we travel there by air? -- Josh, Washington.

A: Yes, you can certainly travel by air. Just get on a tree and keep swinging. You'll be there in no time. And you're right: the Victoria Falls is magnificent. It's like the Niagara on Viagra.

Q: I'm going to be spending two years in Uganda as a Peace Corps volunteer. I will have plenty of work during the day, but I'm not sure how to spend my nights. What do Ugandans do for entertainment? -- Donna, Connecticut.

A: Ugandans are just like other Africans. They entertain themselves by sitting in a circle around a fire and singing "Kumbaya." In some remote villages, they may even tell jokes about any  foreigner in their midst. But if they start calling the event a "roast," be prepared to run.

Q: I am hoping to visit Namibia in a few months. Just wondered if I should take my cell phone with me. Will I be able to communicate with it? -- Nathan, Indiana.

A: You will certainly be able to communicate with it. Just use the buttons to make clicking sounds. Here's the key: one click means 'I come in peace,' two clicks mean 'Take me to your leader,' and three clicks mean 'No, I am not edible.'

Comments

Lol...

[anon]

as u can see most of these questions are from Americans...and we wonder why the world is such a mess- we have them as a super power. i had one, God Bless America- who had the following conversation with me.
American: hey, i knw you are from South Africa?
Me: ummhhmm
American: well I was just wondering, is like SOuth Africa in African
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: SOuth....Africa, South Africa
American: oh I was just wondering....because- i thought it was like a little Island off Africa...like South America

God Bless America.

[Muriel]

Love your site!

Ha ha I'm also from South Africa.

This post is soooo! funny! I almost p in my pants.