FunnyColumns

'Bala Takes the Plunge' update

 

Here's the cover of Bala Takes the Plunge, my humorous novel that will be published by Hachette India in six weeks. The cover was designed by Kedarnath Gupta. Nice work, Kedarnath.

We finished the final proofing on BTTP last week.The novel has been listed on several Amazon sites, so I'm hoping readers outside India will eventually be able to order it online. I'll be visiting India in August to promote the book, with a launch in Chennai and other events.

Memo to staff: Get some work done

To: All staff
From: Company president
Subject: Low productivity

It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I'm not sure what's going on, but please be assured that I'm monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren't pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it's important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I'm pleased to recognize.

John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John's office and heard him and several employees shouting "Goal! Goal! Goal!" When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It's important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, "Without goals, our team will lose."

Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn't come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there's a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. "I'll come to work, boss," he said. "The illness isn't contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day." What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, "Brazil 2, North Korea 1." I asked him about it and he said, "That's the number of customers we have in each country." I was extremely pleased. I didn't realize we had a customer in North Korea. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar. I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called "World Cup." He told me it's an acronym he's using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he's testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in France. That's a huge market that we're missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Bathroom Productivity Award.

(A slightly different version of this column first appeared in 2006)

The bills keep shooting up

There are many types of dads, and I’m proud to say that I’m not the type of dad who lectures his kids every time they leave the lights on in their room (or water running in the bathroom) one second longer than necessary. Just ask my kids and they’ll tell you that I don’t believe in giving them lectures, not when screaming will do.

Actually, I don’t really scream at them. It’s far more effective to threaten them. No, not with violence -– with violin. “You’d better turn the lights off right now or I’m going to ask the 7-year-old boy next door to come over and play his violin for you.”

It works like a charm. The kids dash around the house, turning off every light and electrical appliance while screaming, “Not the violin! Please, not the violin!”

Threatening them like this may seem cruel to you, but please don’t report me to the authorities. I don’t want to look like a hypocrite, especially since I’m a big supporter of the “National Campaign Against Domestic Violins.”

In an ideal world, I wouldn’t need to worry about the electricity bill. But I have an 8-year-old daughter named Lekha who thinks it’s her duty as the oldest child to turn the lights on every time she enters a room, even if it’s the middle of the afternoon, the curtains are drawn and so much sunlight is coming through the windows that her 4-year-old brother, Rahul, is wearing shades. And her mother is urging the entire family to sit beside the window, because we apparently don’t get enough Vitamin D.

I’ve tried to talk to Lekha in a calm, rational manner, but it just doesn’t work. The moment I mention the word “electricity,” she’s confused.

“Elect whom? I can’t even vote.”

“Electricity! Electricity!”

“Have we been there?”

“Been where?”

“To Electri City?”

“No, we haven’t been there. But if we can’t pay our bills, you might have to visit Atro City and Adver City.”

It’s tough to explain some concepts to an 8-year-old, but just try explaining things to a 6-year-old named Divya who loves to keep the fridge door open, while she stands there and contemplates what to have for a snack and whether there’s any possibility her mother will say “no” to the question “Pretty Mommy, may I please have some ice-cream?”

It’s up to me, of course, to explain to her why she shouldn’t keep the fridge open and why it’s more effective to begin her question with the words “Handsome Daddy.”

“Divya, you’re letting out all the cold air.”

“It wants to get out, Daddy. How would you like to be in the fridge all day?”

“Are you going to set the bean sprouts free too? Please do. I won’t tell Mommy.”

“Okay, but I think the ice cream wants to get out too. Can we please set it free, handsome Daddy?”

Just in case my daughters aren’t doing enough to hike the utility bills, I can always count on their brother, who loves to keep the water running in the bathroom, while he watches it with the fascination of a tourist looking at the Niagara Falls.

It’s up to me to point out that water isn’t free.

“But Daddy, what about the rain?”

“Rain is free, Rahul, but we pay for this water.”

 “Do we pay for arguing too?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I heard Mommy saying to you, ‘If you keep arguing with me, you’ll pay for it tonight.’”

“Yes, we pay for that too,” I say, realizing that while the utility bills may be high, they’re never quite as high as the arguing bill.

Photo by Rob Stites