FunnyColumns

Unsung heroes of the Winter Games

Picture this: A Pakistani skier is hurtling down the slopes at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. “Come on, Muhammad, you can do it,” he says to himself. “Make your country proud.” A gold medal would be terrific and so would a silver or bronze, but Muhammad Abbas is a realistic man and knows it would be a great achievement, as the first Pakistani to ever compete in the Winter Olympics, just to finish the course ahead of the skier from India.

Abbas, 24, completed the two runs of the giant slalom in 79th place, about 43 seconds slower than the winner, Carlo Janko of Switzerland, but 14 seconds faster than India’s Jamyang Namgial, earning him a ticker-tape parade down the streets of Karachi. Perhaps even a date with Ayesha Gilani, Miss Pakistan World.

I’m not sure if Abbas was actually excited about finishing ahead of Namgial. Reporters didn’t get a chance to interview him, as he was busy carving the words “Pakistan Power” in the snow.

Namgial, one of three Winter Olympians from India, was last among skiers who completed the giant slalom. But he has plenty to be proud of. Not only did he make it to the bottom of the hill, he crossed the finish line with his entire head above the snow.

Yes, he didn’t fall on his face, sprain his ankle or suffer some other leg injury, like so many skiers who found themselves hobbling around Olympic Village on crutches, prompting one enterprising photographer to open a booth with a sign that said: “Get your Winter ‘Oh Limp’ Pics here!”

Just qualifying for the Winter Olympics was a major achievement for Namgial and cross-country skier Tashi Lundup. The Indian government doesn’t invest much money in winter sports, just a few million rupees or so, barely enough to cover the cost of importing snow from Russia.

Actually India does get some flakes in the northern regions –- and not just when the backpackers run their fingers through their hair. But with little financial support and inadequate equipment, it was quite a challenge for Namgial to learn to ski. If you don’t believe me, just try coming down a mountain slope with two cricket bats glued to your shoes.

Namgial deserves our admiration, as do the other Winter Olympians from warm-weather countries, athletes such as Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong of Ghana, Leyti Seck of Senegal and Robel Teklemariam of Ethiopia. Not only do they have little, if any, snow in their native countries, people think they’re crazy when they pour dried potato flakes down a hill.

Friend: “Hey man, why you wasting all this food?”

Athlete: “I’m not wasting it. I’m pretending it’s snow. The Ministry of Sports bought it for me.”

Friend: “You better not let them see you. I don’t think they knew what you meant when you asked them for training food.”

For Skiwell Phiri of Zambia, going to the Winter Olympics was an experience he’ll be telling his grandchildren about. I’m so glad he shared it with us through Twitter:

---“Just arrived in Vancouver. It’s so white over here -– and I’m not talkin bout the people.”

---“Brrrr … It’s freezin outside. I don’t know what’s crazier –- me coming here or Canadians complaining about global warming.”

---“Does anyone know if it’s safe to defrost my brain in the microwave?”

---“Whose idea was it to have the Winter Olympics in such a cold country anyway?”

---“I just met the Olympians from Ghana, Senegal and Ethiopia. They were in the main lounge of Olympic Village, huddled around the fireplace.”

---“It’s time to go home. I enjoyed the Winter Olympics, despite the weather. Maybe next time I’ll come as a competitor.”

Oh, the life of an Olympian

It must be nice to be an Olympian, especially if you're one of just three athletes representing a country of a billion-plus people at the Winter Games. Shiva Keshavan, Jamyang Nangial and Tashi Lundup must feel like kings, what with the Indian sports ministry bending over backwards to give them royal treatment.

From bearing the expenses of their ceremonial clothing to daily allowances of $50 per day, the sports ministry on Tuesday said it has spent around Rs 7.4 lakh on the eight-member Indian contingent at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. [Link]

Wow, a daily allowance of $50 per day! They'll be able to visit the prestigious French restaurant Lumière, order whatever they want on the menu -- six mushroom ravioli, Fraser Valley farm duck, braised eggplant & peppers -- and dash out before the bill arrives. No point in being a top athlete if you can't make a fast exit.

If they prefer to actually pay for their food, they can still eat like a king, loading their trays at Burger King. They can also eat like a queen, piling on the toppings at Dairy Queen.

Of course, they probably don't need to eat out at all. They have their own chef. His name is R.K. Gupta and he's listed as the Indian team's "Chef de Mission." My French is rusty, but I think that means cooking is his mission.

And let's not forget that they can get lots of free food at the Olympic Village -- Big Macs and other grub -- specially chosen by the Canadian Olympic Committee to ensure that visiting athletes have the best nutrition possible to maximize the medal count of Canada.

So don't you dare suggest that the Indian team isn't being treated well. Not only are they getting $50 per day, they also got to wear the coolest uniforms at the opening ceremony. Kudos to Indian officials who rejected uniforms donated by the Indo-Canadian communty and stuck with the original uniforms, which brought the team a lot more attention at the opening ceremony, as well as compliments such as "Are they sailors?" and "Wow, I didn't know that India had a Kmart!"

Let's move -- to fight childhood obesity

Childhood obesity is a major problem these days, and I’m not just saying that because someone cracked the seesaw in my neighborhood playground. All you have to do is visit any school and you’re likely to spot dozens of kids who have to walk sideways to enter the gym. That’s the only way they can squeeze past the gym teacher’s belly. (If the gym teacher is overweight, you know the kids are in trouble.)

According to the latest statistics, one out of every three American children is overweight –- and the other two refuse to step on the scale. Many of these children are considered “obese,” as determined by a mathematical formula in which a child's body weight in kilograms is divided by the square of his or her height in meters, then multiplied by the average number of Kit Kats consumed in a day.

Obesity puts children at risk for a number of health problems, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep disorders, as well as back and hip pain, which, in most cases, is not related to falling off seesaws.

Thankfully, President Obama recently launched a campaign to fight childhood obesity. The campaign, called “Let’s Move,” will try to educate parents about the importance of nutrition and exercise. Obama hopes more parents and children will say “Let’s move” to each other, at least half as often as they say “Let’s munch.”

It’s a good campaign and I wouldn’t be surprised if most families do find themselves saying “Let’s move,” especially as part of a longer sentence such as “Let’s move to the dining room and munch.”

A gaffe with his staff

I saw the headline "U.S. Congressman asks Clinton to demote Rajiv Shah" and thought that the USAID director had done something seriously wrong. Perhaps Shah had bungled the U.S. relief efforts in Haiti, sending too much rice but not enough beans. Or perhaps he had handed a reconstruction job to an Indian-American Contractor, who doesn't do any contracting. But no, nothing of that sort.

U.S. Rep. John Conyers (D-Detroit) is calling on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to demote the official coordinating relief efforts in Haiti, Dr. Rajiv Shah, for a lack of diversity on his staff. [Link]

In his letter to Clinton, Conyers wrote: "As you know, the 42 member Congressional Black Caucus met with Rajiv Shah, the Administrator of the U.S. AID yesterday to discuss the crisis in Haiti. I was alarmed and chagrined to learn that none of the approximately dozen staff he brought with him were African American. This is so serious an error in judgement that it warrants his immediate demotion to a subordinate position at AID. It is well known  that there has long been an under-representation of minorities in key positions within the State Department. I am confident this Administration will immediately begin addressing this problem." [Source: The Hill]

Poor Shah. Perhaps someone had told him that he'd be appearing in front of the Congressional White Caucus. Perhaps he was under the mistaken belief that race doesn't matter much in 2010, that he just has to surround himself with qualified people. Or perhaps he took his resemblance to Obama too seriously and forgot to speak with the right dialect.