FunnyColumns

iPad -- a name only a man could love

Apple unveiled its long-awaited iPad yesterday, and while it might be a terrific computing device, it has a name that will make millions of women think of one thing only. Period.

Here are some of the funny comments on Twitter, as compiled by the Winnipeg Free Press:

LizB: iPad. was there a woman on this naming team? will there be different sizes? Mini iPad, maxi iPad?

Gelatobaby: And you can use the giant QWERTY keyboard to get your period on the #iPad !

herbadmother: Seriously, 'iPad?' There are too many of us for whom the phrase 'my pad just failed' evokes horror that should never be linked to technology

TwittsMcGee: I haven't heard this many period jokes since I was forced to watch The View last month.

kathycacace: Okay, just one more. The iPad: protecting your data from embarrassing incidents.

Lymed: Does the Period Tracker app come free?

fauxfruit: If I order this, will my boyfriend and I have to worry if it comes late?

andBegorrah: If you and your friends all buy one, will they sync up?

vlvtjones: So will iffy Wifi coverage be called iSpotting?

babyruthless: Mac made an iPad. It's Mac's iPad. Say it with me. Mac's iPad. Seriously? No one said the name out loud?

morninggloria: Can I get a scented iPad for when my data feels not-so-fresh?

Freedom to enjoy empowered women

Freedom of speech. It's not something I take for granted. I grew up in Zambia during an era when you could say anything you wanted about the country's president, as long as you had already started the engine of your getaway plane. That's what I love about countries like America and Canada -- freedom of speech has no bounds, as long as you don't scream "Fire!" in a crowded theater, threaten the president or profess your undying love for Osama bin Laden. Okay, so it does have bounds, but you get the point. I don't remember the last time a journalist or author had to run away from an angry mob. It's just not the way things are done, as I learned several years ago when I tried to assemble a mob to chase Ann Coulter.

India allows a great amount of free speech, compared to many other countries. But just ask fans of Savita Bhabhi how free they are to enjoy her sexcapades. The cartoon seductress has been banned in India, perhaps to the delight of many a wife, who remembers the good old days when her husband got his thrills out of Asterix. As S. Mitra Kalita writes in the WSJ, Savita joins The Da Vinci Code, The Polyester Prince, and Royal Magazine as "examples of India's hindrance of free speech."

You might never have heard of Royal Magazine, but it's an example of the squelching of free speech in India that seems more common—preemptive and driven by fear. Editor in chief Ronak Vyas wrote to me and said, "I have been publishing an online magazine that features nudity and had my share of problems in India. To be honest I feel like you can get away with anything as long as you don't offend a particular person or group on a personal level."

This being India, offending someone is a given. This being India, also the world's largest democracy, the government needs to weigh what's more important and whether it draws the line too soon, too early.

Consider this comment from Gaurav Jain: It's "not about the internet or Savita alone, its (sic) a general lack of freedom in being able to criticise or comment on our holy cows (leaders, gods, other religious figures) … some mob somewhere will have a reason to protest most likely in a violent manner."

Like me, he wonders whether the controversy stems from Savita being an "empowered woman making her own choices, perhaps this is a threat to certain sections of society that prefer to see their wives as creatures who should stay indoors and rear the kids (which is ACTUAL subjugation)." [Wall Street Journal]

Savita was banned because she's an "empowered woman"??? Watch out Indra Nooyi, you could be next.

Fortunately, I've already downloaded hundreds of Indra's pics to my hard drive. Let me know if you want any. And please indicate your preference: business suit or sari.

Opening our hearts to Haiti

The devastating earthquake in Haiti turned into an opportunity for people around the world to show that they care –- and so far millions have opened their hearts in all sorts of ways. They've emptied their wallets, swiped their credit cards, and even withdrawn large amounts of cash from under their mattresses.

They've organized fundraising dinners –- pizza, spaghetti, barbecue –- drawing large crowds who just can’t resist the signs and posters that say “Pig out for Haiti” and “Stuff yourself for a good cause.”

Some schools held “Hats for Haiti” days, allowing students to wear hats in their classrooms if they donate at least $1. Other schools organized “Pajamas for Haiti” days, “Chew gum for Haiti” days, and the very popular “Kiss a Cheerleader for Haiti” days.

A Catholic school in Canada raised $4,000 by having a “dress-down day,” a very successful fundraiser, even if some boys were disappointed that not a single girl let her dress down.

At a Pennsylvania university, a group of students organized a coin drive, urging fellow students to search their dorm rooms for any money lying around. One international student managed to find millions of dollars. Unfortunately they were Zimbabwean dollars.

Getting intimate with the airport security officer

Don’t you just hate terrorists? Even when they fail, they make life difficult for us.

Back in December 2001, just three months after 9/11, Richard Reid, a passenger on an American Airlines flight, tried to ignite explosives hidden in his shoes. Fortunately for everyone on board, Reid’s shoe size was considerably higher than his IQ. He brought attention to himself, was subdued by passengers and is currently serving a life sentence at a maximum security prison in Colorado, the only prisoner in America required to wear plastic see-through shoes.

Thanks to the shoe bomber, many passengers were asked to remove their shoes as they passed through airport security and, as you can imagine, some of them made quite a stink. And others made a stink about the stink. As for me, I found myself cursing the shoe bomber in several languages, thanks to the book “The Rough Guide to World Cursing.”

Me: “$#@& shoe bomber! If it weren’t for him, I’d be able to travel without showing everyone the hole in my sock.”

Security officer: “That’s a big hole. Do you mind if I look inside it?”

Please check his blog!

Here's a funny video by "Tamil Superstar" Wilbur Sargunaraj (via India Uncut).

If you liked the song, don't miss Wilbur's interview on CBC Radio.

Fly T-class and enjoy your freedom

Sometimes you don't need a ticket to travel on a commercial airline. You just need a maintenance job at the airport. You can sneak onto a plane just before takeoff and fly T-class. That's toilet class.

An Indian man who returned to his home country from Saudi Arabia on an Air India flight without a ticket or a passport has been granted bail.

Stowaway Habib Hussain hid in the plane's toilet to escape what he said was a life of "bonded slavery". [Link]

If I was being held as a slave, I'd be willing to fly T-class too. The best part of flying T-class is that you don't have to stand in line to do your business. Another advantage, of course, is that you won't be served any airline food. A third plus is that you'll have plenty of legroom -- as long as you don't mind the hard seat.

Habib Hussain, who is from a village in Moradabad (UP), had gone to Saudi Arabia six months back and was employed as a loader by an agency providing services at Medina Airport. Habib boarded the aircraft for maintenance work in the Airbus A-330's toilet and locked himself in. He was spotted mid-air in the plane carrying 273 Haj pilgrims and arrested at Sanganer Airport in Jaipur late on the night of December 25. [Link]

What was he doing carrying all those pilgrims? I'm not sure. It would have been better for him to stay put in the toilet, instead of showing off his manhood.

Later, in an exclusive interview to TOI (published on January 4), Habib said that Indian workers were treated like cattle in Saudi Arabia and because of this harassment, he chose to travel without passport and ticket. He also claimed that he paid Rs 1 lakh to an agent for the job in Saudi Arabia, for which he had to sell his ancestral properties in Moradabad. [Link]

He gave an exclusive interview to Times of India (TOI), but only after receiving a text message from his lawyer: "Let TOI write about TOIlet."

Indian workers being treated like cattle in Saudi Arabia is nothing new -- it's been happening for years. Saudi employers know they can lure many Indians with lofty promises such as, "We will treat you as well as we treat our cows!"