Nshima & Curry

An open letter to Kumar Barve

Dear Kumar,

I heard you were miffed about not being invited to President Obama's recent state dinner for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and I'd like to express my sympathy. I was shocked you weren't included. You are, after all, the majority leader in the Maryland House of Delegates and the longest-serving Indian-American elected official in U.S. history. In fact, when I heard that Obama was hosting a dinner for Singh with hundreds of guests, the first name that popped into my head was "Kumar Barve."

I asked a group of my friends to name a likely guest and they shouted in unison: "Kumar!" Most of them were thinking, of course, of the guy from Harold and Kumar. But I'm sure that one or two were thinking of you.

The other Kumar, incidentally, now works for Obama in the White House, which makes it even more perplexing that he would overlook his namesake. It would be like Salman Khan throwing a party and not inviting Salman Rushdie. Okay, bad example.

My book has a home

I'm pleased to announce that my humorous novel will be published in 2010, around July, by Hachette India, a branch of the world's largest general books publisher. Hachette has been in India for only a few years, publishing its first local book, My Friend Sancho, this past May. The novel, by Amit Varma, was the highest selling fiction debut of the year. I hope to follow in Amit's footsteps -- that's why I've decided to title my book My Friend Pancho.

Actually, my book will be called Sancho Takes The Plunge. No, wait -- it's Bala Takes The Plunge. As reader Viswa aptly put it, the novel is also about me taking a plunge. I've been writing humor columns for almost 15 years and enjoyed doing so, but I consider that period somewhat of an apprenticeship. It has allowed me to experiment with humor, to see what works and what doesn't. The time has come to plunge into something new, without giving up the old (not yet, anyway). I hope to write more novels in the coming years, even if I have to publish them myself and sell them all to my mother. (If you happen to be one of my relatives, please buy 10 copies of Bala Take The Plunge, even if you have to make two trips to the bookstore in your Nano.)

My book will be launched in Chennai -- and hopefully go high enough to reach other cities. I plan to visit Chennai and a few other cities to promote the book. If you don't live in India, you'll still be able to buy the book online, perhaps from India Plaza. You can also wait until the book is published in your country. But if you live in Saudi Arabia, I wouldn't hold my breath. (The Saudi authorities are eager to see me take a plunge -- into the Indian Ocean.)

I'll keep you updated on any book news. And, of course, I'll create a Facebook page for the book, so we can easily exchange messages about it.

Me: "Did you buy the book?"

You: "Yes."

Me: "How many copies?"

You: "Just one."

Me: "Just one?!! What about your dog? Don't you want to buy a copy for him?"

You: "My dog can't read."

Me: "So what? Neither can my relatives!"

You: "Is that true?"

Me: "Well, a few of them can't read. But they're still buying my book."

You: "Why are they bothering?"

Me: "I told them that I mentioned them in the acknowledgments page."

Book your flight for some Indian hospitality

If you’re looking for a reason to visit India, let me tell you about one of the biggest tourist attractions in my homeland. It has bright lights, talented performers and theatres that will put you in stitches. Yes, I’m talking about Apollo Hospital in Chennai, which has hundreds of fluorescent lights, well-trained doctors and several operating theatres.

Hey, you may not be in Paris, but at least you’ll be in plaster of Paris.

Actually, it depends on what procedure you’re having done. You can do almost anything at Apollo, except go to the moon. You can have your heart bypassed, your knee replaced, your face lifted and your wallet lightened.

It’s called medical tourism, the reason hundreds of thousands of people fly to India every year. And you thought they were heading there for jobs! Well, only a few of them are.

Thirty-year-old man: “First my job went to India, now I’m going to India for a job.”

Friend: “What kind of a job?”

Thirty-year-old: “A nose job. I’ve wanted to get one for a long time.”

Friend: “Really? How much will it cost?”

Thirty-year-old: “I don’t know the exact figure. But I’m certain of one thing: I won’t be paying through the nose.”

Don't mess with Gandhi

The Mahatma Gandhi statue in San Francisco is often the target of vandals and pranksters. They find it particularly thrilling to snatch the spectacles off the Mahatma’s face, much to the dismay of city officials. "The last pair lasted two months," senior registrar Allison Cummings recently told C.W. Nevius of the San Francisco Chronicle. As one commenter on the Chronicle’s website wrote: “First, Gandhi gets stiffed for a Nobel Prize, then gets his glasses ripped off. What's a holy man gotta do to get some respect?”

The solution is simple: Give Gandhi a mechanical arm, one that comes down hard on the head of any vandal. Smack! That'll teach 'em.

What's that you say? Gandhi believed in non-violence? He wouldn't hurt a fly? Okay then, let's put two mechanical arms on him, so he can give the vandal a big hug -- and hold him tightly until the police arrive.

Photos by brothergrimm and William Hartz

Sorry, I'm a terrible juggler

I wish I was good at juggling, but I'm not. I'm terrible at it. No, I don't mean juggling balls or other objects (though I'm terrible at that, too) -- I mean juggling tasks. I don't know what it is about me, but I just can't seem to easily switch from one task to another. That's why this blog has been dormant for the last few weeks; that's why I didn't produce any columns in that period; and that's why I have to apologize to all of you.

What was I doing? Putting the finishing touches to a humorous novel (tentative title: "Bala takes the plunge") that I hope will get published in 2010. The novel is under consideration by a publisher in India. I hope to have it published there first, then in North America and elsewhere. We'll see how it goes, but the important thing is, I've finally completed the novel (I started it in 2005 but let it sit for long periods) and am pretty happy with it, though after reading it hundreds of times, I'm also pretty sick of it.

What's the book about? Well, the main character is a guy named Bala from Chennai who becomes an engineer, though his dream is to direct Tamil  movies and work with his favorite actor, Rajnikanth. He lands a job in America, working for a company that makes exercise machines, and, with his 30th birthday fast approaching, begins searching for a bride, a journey that eventually puts him in position to achieve his dream. Most of the material in the book is new, though I've also incorporated humor from some of my columns.

I got so obsessed with the book over the last few weeks that I didn't have the interest or mental energy to blog or write columns. I hope to make up for it over the next month.

I really wish I could be a better juggler. Then perhaps I wouldn't feel like such a clown.