FunnyColumns

Report: Taxi drivers expelled from association

Two cabdrivers have been expelled from the New York City Taxi Drivers Association (NYCTDA) for being too honest.

The drivers, Gulam Mustafa of Queens and Haron ur Rashid of the Bronx, were among more than 20 cabbies from across North America honored recently for their humanity, heroism and integrity by the International Association of Transportation Regulators. Mustafa was recognized for returning a wallet containing several thousand dollars to its owner, while Rashid was honored for returning wedding gifts to a couple.

Soon after accepting their awards, they received letters stating they were no longer members of the taxi association. "To be honest, we were very shocked," Mustafa said. Added Rashid: "It was honestly the last thing we expected."

Raoul Ramirez, president of the taxi association, said the drivers had broken a membership pledge to try their best to meet the public's expectations. "Let's face facts," Ramirez said. "The public doesn't expect taxi drivers to be honest. They expect us to take them for a ride."

He said the men had committed several other offenses, such as making sure their meters were accurate and always taking the shortest route. "Being honest once or twice is fine," Ramirez said. "But it has become too much of a pattern."

He acknowledged the possibility that the men are addicted to honesty, saying, "That's why we've recommended that they join the HCA (Honest Cabbies Anonymous) program."

Asked if the public wasn't better served by honest taxi drivers, Ramirez shook his head. "Sometimes yes, sometimes no," he said. "Do you know what happened to the customer whose wallet Gulam returned? He had a heart attack. Almost died."

Photo by Adrian8_8

Patrick Swayze: Actor of 'Joy'

A recent tweet by Shashi Tharoor, India's Minister of State for External Affairs, got him in trouble, but the tweet that caught my attention was this: "RIP Patrick Swayze - hardly any obit mentions "City of Joy" - took real career courage for him to do a film like that, and he was good in it."

I couldn't agree more. While the obits mention his roles in "Dirty Dancing" and "Ghost," the two movies that brought him the most acclaim, it was the 1992 Calcutta-set "City of Joy" that left a lasting impression on me. Not only did Swayze act well in the movie, so did Om Puri and Shabana Azmi. I remember leaving the movie theater with the feeling that I had gained a new perspective on life. It wasn't nominated for any Oscars, but it was definitely a good movie. I loved the fact that when it ended, unlike so many other movies, my friends didn't have to nudge me awake.

Report: Obama in big trouble over "jackass" comment

WASHINGTON -- President Obama is in trouble for calling Kanye West a "jackass" after the rapper interrupted singer Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards.

"Obama should not have called Kanye a jackass," said Donna Rivers, an African-American woman who marched outside the White House with hundreds of others Wednesday. "It's insulting and unfair to all jackasses."

Rivers and the other protesters, mostly members of the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), held up signs demanding that Obama apologize to jackasses.

"Poor creatures," said Matt Johnson, a Baltimore accountant. "What have they done to deserve being compared to Kanye? Have they ever stepped on a stage uninvited? Have they ever interrupted a speech by a horse or cow?"

He added that he has heard West's music on his teen-aged son's iPod and, if given a choice, would prefer to listen to a jackass braying.

Julia Flowers, a lifelong Democrat, said she found Obama's comment particularly upsetting because the symbol of the Democratic Party happens to be a jackass. "Obama should be more respectful to jackasses," she said. "The least he could have done was compare Kanye to some other animal, such as a rat."

But Maurice Davis disagreed with her, saying no animal deserved to be compared with West. "Why do animals need to be insulted?" Davis said. "Why couldn't Obama just say that Kanye West is a turnip?"

Davis' words did not sit well with fellow protester Lucas Rove of Hagerstown, Md., who happens to be a turnip farmer. "Leave turnips out of this," he said. "They're good vegetables."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs released a statement saying that the President was speaking off-the-record and used the term "jackass" not to refer to the animal but as a synonym for "imbecile."

Gibbs' statement drew objections from another quarter. "We're insulted that the president believes that imbeciles are like Kanye West," said Glenn Beck, president of the American Association of Imbeciles.

Don't bug me to go camping

It may surprise you to hear this, but I’ve never gone camping, never felt the urge to leave the comforts of my home to spend a few days in a tent somewhere. Don’t get me wrong: I like being close to nature. I just don’t like nature getting too close to me.

You never know what you might encounter in nature: mosquitoes, bees, wasps, Al Gore.

Actually, I’d be quite pleased to run into the former vice-president in the woods, especially since the mosquitoes would have another place to land.

Mosquitoes can be a pain in the neck, not to mention the arms, legs and other body parts. Bees, wasps, flies and ants can also be annoying. I don’t need insects to bug me. I have three children. And if there’s anything worse than dealing with insects, it’s dealing with children dealing with insects.

My daughter Divya is the worst. She has singlehandedly destroyed any progress made over the last century in human-insect relations.  A single fly can produce a high-pitched scream from her, almost as if someone changed the channel in the middle of “Dora.”

Kissing Rafael Nadal

If tennis fans could pay $100 to kiss Rafael Nadal at the U.S. Open, you can bet he'd have no time to practice serves and forehands. He's a good-looking man -- at least that's what the ladies tell me. The line to the Rafael Nadal Kissing Booth would probably go several times around Arthur Ashe Stadium, with just as many men pushing forward as women. Hey, it's New York City, where people feel free to express their feelings. Even heterosexual men would probably jump in line, just so they can brag to their friends: "I went to the U.S. Open and kissed a cute tennis star with long, beautiful hair."

I'm not sure if Noam U. Aorta is gay or straight, but his feelings for Nadal run all the way through his ... uh ... aorta.

Noam U. Aorta dashed out of the stands at Arthur Ashe Stadium in Queens just after midnight Wednesday after Nadal advanced to the quarterfinals by beating Gael Monfils, prosecutors said. Aorta ran onto the court, then hugged and kissed the Spanish star as he was changing shirts on the sideline before security guards took him into custody, they said. [Link]

Nadal, being the good sport he is, didn't seem to mind. If the security guards hadn't intervened, he might have kissed Aorta back.

“For me, it wasn’t a problem. The guy was really nice,” Nadal said. “He said, ‘I love you,’ and he kissed me.” [Link]

Most fans have to control the urge to jump out of the stands and kiss Nadal. Some shout "I love you" from the stands, while others have to be satisfied kissing their Rafael Nadal dolls. (No, I'm not showing you mine. I keep it in the closet.)

Aorta, 23, of Queens, will be charged with third-degree criminal trespass and interfering with a professional sporting event, prosecutors said. If convicted, he faces a maximum one year in jail and $5,000 in fines. [Link]

Five grand may seem like a lot for a Rafael Nadal kiss, but Aorta probably doesn't mind, especially since he has an opportunity to do a lot more kissing in jail.