FunnyColumns

Getting roasted over a coaster

Some spelling mistakes can be quite embarrassing. Take, for example, the mistake that someone at Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools in North Carolina didn't spot. As a result, hundreds of teachers in the school system received free coasters bearing the words "Career and Technical Eduction."

Yes, you guessed it. It should have been: "Career and Techniqual Eduction."

A CMS spokesperson told us the company that printed the coasters, Ad Concepts, didn't catch the mistake and neither did CMS when they approved the proof.

That's hard to believe for some parents.

"Nobody picked it up? Nobody was able to proofread this?" asked parent Talia Goldman. "It doesn't make me happy." [Link]

Commenters on the Internet were also displeased. Wrote one woman: "What a SAD commentary on our eduction system."

Wrote another: "Now you know why I took my kids outta school and am teachin dem at home."

A third commenter was rather blunt: "What imbesiles! Even I can spell bettar than that."

Report: Shah Rukh Khan boycotts America

MUMBAI -- Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan, still miffed about being questioned for more than an hour at Newark's Liberty International Airport, has said that he will not visit America again under any circumstances that do not involve making money.

"I will go there only for movies, concerts and paid appearances," King Khan said. "But other than that, I am totally boycotting America."

Khan, 43, said he will also try to minimize the number of days he stays in America, even on business trips. "If I have a concert in New York on Monday and another in Chicago on Wednesday, I will try to spend Tuesday in Canada."

He added that many of his American fans would be willing to travel to Toronto to see him perform. "I have had no trouble at the airports in Canada," Khan said. "The only question I have been asked by Canadian immigration officials is, 'Can we have your autograph?'"

Khan, who has appeared in more than 70 movies and is arguably the biggest movie star in India, was questioned for 66 minutes at Newark airport. He called the incident "embarrassing," saying he had not been questioned so aggressively since 1991, when he first met his future father-in-law. "The surprising thing is that he asked me some of the same questions," he said. "What do you do for a living? Do you belong to any terrorist organization?"

Khan thanked his fans for supporting him, saying he had received thousands of letters and emails. "One fan said he will boycott American products for the rest of his life," Khan said. "I don't know how he's going to do it, because he lives in New Jersey."

Some of his fans have urged Indian officials to detain Hollywood stars when they visit India, to give them the same treatment that Khan received in America. "I hope they will call me if they do that," Khan said. "I am more than willing to frisk Jennifer Aniston and Megan Fox."

"Yes, we are the gay"

I loved these photos taken by Roopa Singh at the India Day Parade in Manhattan, New York. Members of the South Asian Lesbian and Gay Association (SALGA) wanted to participate in the parade, but were turned down by the FIA (Federation of Indian Ass-ociations). So what did they do? They showed up anyway -- to protest their exclusion. Nothing to FIA, not even FIA itself.

 

You can see more of Roopa's photos here.

Thank you for not sharing

I’d like to take a few minutes to thank some of my friends for not sharing. I know how hard it is not to share. After all, when I was a little boy, my mother drummed into me the importance of sharing. And soon after that, she scolded me for coughing on my sister and trying to share my germs.

I learned, of course, that sharing has its limits. There are some things in life you just shouldn’t share, such as underwear, toothbrushes, and girlfriends. It’s also not a good idea, however tempting it might be, to share a spouse. I have no idea how women in some parts of the world –- not just Utah –- manage to share a husband. I have enough trouble sharing my wife with the Food Network.

Yes, sharing isn’t always a good thing. That’s why I want to thank some of my friends:

Thank you for not sharing the photos of your vacation in Hawaii last winter. I really didn’t want to see you relaxing on the beach with a margarita, not when I was stuck in Winnipeg, getting treatment for frostbite on my butt.

Thank you for not sharing all 284 photos you took at your daughter’s graduation from nursery school. The three photos you shared were just perfect, showing what an emotional occasion it was, with several graduates crying as they came to terms with the fact that, after a whole year of school, they weren’t getting the piece of cake with the flower on it.

Thank you for not sharing your home movies with me. I’m sure it was hard to keep them to yourself, especially since you’ve taken your video camera everywhere and captured so many proud moments, such as your 8-year-old daughter's first No. 1 finish in a school race and your 3-year-old son's first No. 1 finish in the bathroom.

Thank you for not sharing every detail of your life through Twitter. I’m really grateful you didn’t feel the urge to send out a tweet that said, “It’s that time of the month again. Yes, it’s time for me to take another bath.”

The 80 percent solution to India's population growth

I've been a little concerned about India's fast-growing population, now at 1.2 billion, but I recently came across an article that has put me at ease. The article, from the London Times, describes Ghulam Nabi Azad's plan to curb population growth. Azad is the new Health and Family Welfare Minister.

“If there is electricity in every village, then people will watch TV till late at night and then fall asleep. They won’t get a chance to produce children,” Ghulam Nabi Azad said. “When there is no electricity there is nothing else to do but produce babies.” [Link]

Yes, that's what we do in my household whenever there's a power outage. Other people search for candles, I search for condoms.

Actually, I never use them, which may explain why I have three children. I'd have a lot more, but the power doesn't go out that much.

“Don’t think that I am saying this in a lighter vein,” Azad added. “I am serious. TV will have a great impact. It’s a great medium to tackle the problem . . . 80 percent of population growth can be reduced through TV.” [Link]

What about the other 20 percent? Well, that can probably be reduced through the Internet.

The minister called on India’s television channels to provide high-quality programmes, arguing that enticing content would offer alternative late-night entertainment. [Link]

Yes, it's important to have entertaining shows at night, especially on weekends. I mean, if it wasn't for Saturday Night Live, I'd probably have 12 children.

A ticket for not going metric

If you drive between Canada and America, as I occasionally do, you have to learn to switch between the metric system and the Imperial system. Not all signs are like the one pictured here, specifying the unit of measurement. And if you aren't careful, you might find yourself getting a speeding ticket in Canada or being passed by a combine in America.

OTTAWA — A Californian discovered the concept of exchange rate doesn't just apply to money when Ontario Provincial Police arrested him for speeding Monday.
"I'm from California and the sign says 100," said the driver, who police said was clocked at 148 km/h during a safety blitz on Highway 401 in South Stormont, 100 kilometres southeast of Ottawa.
In miles per hour, the driver was only doing about 90. Nevertheless the driver was slapped with a speeding ticket. [Link]

Before getting the ticket, he must have been really excited. Perhaps he even called one of his friends in California. "Guess what, Larry? The speed limit here is 100. What a great country! And the best part is, most people are only going 60! They're so freakin' laidback, these Canadians. I've got a good mind to move here. But I hear that the weather sucks. One guy told me that it never gets above 35 degrees! Can you imagine?"

Photo by David Herrera