FunnyColumns

Obamas serve samosas at White House

It must have been a slow news day for the Press Trust of India (PTI). Either that or Indians are still deeply in love with Barack Obama and searching desperately for any sign that the feeling is mutual.

Washington: US president Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama served "chicken samosa" among other mouthwatering dishes at a White House reception hosted for ambassadors including Indian envoy Meera Shankar.

Though samosas in India is a vegetarian preparation in the West, it has become one of the most popular Indian snacks and is served with fillings of minced meat.

But the Obamas served samosas with chicken fillings with yogurt dip to his guests in the White House, indicating that the fame of Indian culinary is spreading on the American soil. [Link]

If the Grammar Police came across this article, they'd be filing several charges, perhaps locking up the writer for "assault and battery on the English language." But if they did that, we'd be deprived of these upcoming PTI headlines:

• Obamas Say 'Namaste' to Indian Ambassador

• Obamas Dance to "Jai Ho" at White House Party

• Obamas Watch “Kambakkht Ishq" in White House Theater

• Obamas Perform Yoga on White House Lawn

• Obamas Convert to Hinduism, Millions of Indians Rejoice

Photo by penguincakes

No jokes about President Asif Ali Zardari, not here

Freedom of speech has taken another hit in Pakistan. It's now illegal to use the Internet or electronic devices to distribute jokes about President Asif Ali Zardari.

Pakistanis who send jokes about Asif Zardari by text message, email or blog risk being arrested and given a 14-year prison sentence.

The country's interior minister, Rehman Malik, announced the Federal Investigation Agency (FIA) had been asked to trace electronically transmitted jokes that "slander the political leadership of the country" under the new Cyber Crimes Act.  ...

Mr Zardari, the widower of the assassinated former prime minister, Benazir Bhutto, has long courted controversy.

During his wife's two tenures he earned the nickname of "Mr 10 per cent" on account of his alleged penchant for demanding kickbacks on government contracts. [Telegraph]

The Telegraph offers a few examples of Zardari jokes, including these:

• "Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five litres."

• Robber: "Give me all your money!"

          Zardari: "Don't you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari."

          Robber: "OK. Give me all my money"

Amardeep Singh and Amitava Kumarare eliciting Zardari jokes from their blog readers. But I'm too afraid to do that. I don't want to be sentenced to 14 years in prison or have my blog banned in Pakistan.

Instead I'll just tell a story:

A wealthy farmer with five beautiful daughters lived near the president’s house in Islamabad. One day, a procession of cars stopped at the farmer’s house. President Zardari stepped out of a Mercedes and was greeted by the farmer and his daughters.

“I want you to send me 10 percent of your money,” Zardari said. “Consider it a fee for the privilege of living near me.”

Then, with a wink at the farmer, he added: “As you know, I am a widower. So make sure you send me someone to keep me warm at night also.”

That evening, a box van arrived at the president’s house. Zardari opened it with excitement. Inside were seven bags of cash totaling Rs. 2 lakhs and one large female goat.

Zardari was outraged. The next morning, he visited the farmer and yelled: “How dare you insult the President of Pakistan? I know you have more than Rs. 20 lakhs!”

Jay Patel, Cricketer of the Year

If the United States had an award for Cricketer of the Year, it should go to Jay Patel of Alabama. Nobody in the entire country wielded a cricket bat as effectively as Patel this year.

A 27-year-old man says his first run-in with crime won't keep him from working at his family's convenience store.

On Saturday night, Jay Patel picked up his cricket bat and chased a gunman from the Bee Gee's store in Pine Grove after realizing the gun was really a plastic toy.

Patel said Tuesday he was shaken up for a little while. He called it the most exciting thing that has happened since the store opened about six weeks ago. [Link]

It was also the most exciting thing to happen in the history of American cricket. Never before have the words "cricket bat" appeared in so many newspapers in America. Just imagine if every store owner decides to arm himself with a cricket bat. Soon, the thugs would also be walking around with cricket bats. And one of them might suddenly have a brainstorm: "Hey, why don't we hit a ball with this thing?" Next thing you know, cricket is the most popular sport in America -- and all because Jay Patel had a run with his cricket bat.

Cricketer of the Year? Perhaps he should be Sportsman of the Year.

(Hat tip to Vaidy Subbaraman)

Vinayak Gorur's passion for cooking

Every now and then, you come across someone who's really good at what he does at a young age -- and all you can do is shake your head and be depressed. I mean, impressed. Vinayak Gorur of Ahwatukee Foothills, Ariz., is only 21, but already making people shake their heads.

Starting your own catering company, landing a job as a sous-chef at a respected restaurant and winning a prestigious cooking competition are three feats most people might aspire to accomplish over the course of their lifetime, but Vinayak Gorur, an Ahwatukee Foothills resident and Desert Vista graduate, has accomplished all three tasks by the age of 21. ...

In May of last year, Gorur won a scholarship to the Scottsdale Culinary Institute, which led him to pursue a career as a chef. Gorur, who is of Indian descent, acknowledges that this is not a typical career path chosen by Indians.

"Most Indians pursue science, but I love cooking," he said. "I really have a passion for this." [Link]

Gorur is definitely passionate about cooking. Just read the article in the Ahwatukee Foothills News and you may get a clue how good he is at brewing something or spreading it on thick.

Faking our way through life

I don’t mean to alarm you, but there’s a lot of faking going on –- and not just in the bedroom. Everyone’s involved in some form of faking, and if you don’t believe me, just visit your local high school. You’ll see fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails and fake breasts –- and that’s just in the teachers’ lounge.

The latest form of faking is called communifaking –- pretending to have a conversation on your cell phone. It’s a good way for women to protect themselves when they’re alone. If you happen to be on the train with a couple of thugs, just take out your cell phone and say, “Hi honey, I’m running a little late. I spent a few extra minutes practicing kicks at karate class.”

Many people communifake to avoid talking to someone, perhaps an ex-girlfriend who just happens to be walking toward them. “Hi honey, just wanted to tell you that Barack and Michelle are coming over for dinner. Yes, we’ll have cocktails on the yacht. Tell Nigel to get the Bentley ready.”

Some men even communifake to impress women. One day they’re dorks with no life, the next day women are drooling over them.

Anita: “Do you see that guy? He’s really popular.”

Maria: “He looks a little like your ex-husband.”

Anita: “Yeah, but this guy never gets off the phone. My ex-husband never gets off the couch.”

Maria: “He must be rich and successful. Look at the phone he’s using –- a Sprint Blackberry Curve Palm Centro Smartphone!”

Anita: “I’d love to have his number!”

Maria: “I’d love to have his children!”

Air India: Not too crowded

If an Air India flight is fully booked, don't worry. They might still have space for you, if not in economy or first class, then definitely in the cockpit. 

Air India is once again in trouble. The airline, in a shocking violation of air safety norms, allowed three extra passengers on board a full-loaded flight.

While one woman was accommodated in the cockpit's jump seat behind the pilots, two others were made to sit on foldable seats meant for cabin crew. [CNN-IBN]

I decided to interview an Air India official about this.

Me: "Three extra passengers? How could you do this?"

AI official: "It was easy. We put one passenger in the cockpit and the other two in crew seats."

Me: "But weren't you breaking the rules?"

AI official: "It's really not that bad. At least we didn't make any passenger sit on the pilot's lap. Only the flight attendant did that."

Me: "But wasn't the plane too crowded?"

AI official: "Our planes are not as crowded as trains and buses. If you look outside our planes, you will never see a passenger hanging onto the wing. We are the only airline with a written policy to keep all our passengers inside."

Me: "That's commendable. But people say you are just trying to make money by stuffing passengers onto a plane."

Air India: "It is not a question of making money. It is a question of satisfying our passengers. Perhaps you have heard of our new slogan: 'Air India: We'll find space for you.'"

Me: "That's pretty good, but it reminds me of another slogan: 'Shaadi.com: We'll find spouse for you.'"

Bhut Jolokia, India's secret weapon

India is fast becoming a military power that can cause any country to tremble. Not only does it have nuclear weapons and a huge army, it also has -- here's the scary part -- extremely hot chilies. Yes, Bhut Jolokia, the hottest chili pepper in the world, grows in India and could soon be lobbed at the enemy.

Indian defence scientists are planning to put one of the world's hottest chilli powders into hand grenades.

They say the devices will be used to control rioters and in counter-insurgency operations.

Researchers say the idea is to replace explosives in small hand grenades with a certain variety of red chilli to immobilise people without killing them.

The chilli, known as Bhut Jolokia, is said to be 1,000 times hotter than commonly used kitchen chilli.  [BBC News]

Talk about a potent weapon! I don't know about you, but I'm going to keep a few Bhut Jolokias under my bed in case of a robbery.

Robber: "Hands up or I'll shoot you!"

Me: "Hands up or I'll Bhut you!"

Robber (falls to his knees) : "Please spare me. I beg you. I've got a wife and kids!"

Scientists at India's Defence Research and Development Organisation (DRDO) are quoted as saying the potent chilli will be used as a food additive for troops operating in cold conditions. [BBC News]

A food additive? It seems like a good idea, but isn't there enough Bhut-licking going on in the army?

And the powder will also be spread on the fences around army barracks in the hope the strong smell will keep out animals. [BBC News]

The army barracks -- soon to be called Bhut Camp.

If the Bhut powder works on animals, I'd like to use it in my yard to scare-away those lettuce-munching rabbits, not to mention the noisy teen-agers next door.

Black car discrimination in India

Whenever we take a long car trip, my kids play the car color game. Each of them picks a color and counts the number of cars on the road with that color. First one to 10 wins the game. During our recent drive to Edmonton, my two daughters, Lekha and Divya, usually picked one of the popular colors -- white, grey, black or blue -- while my 3-year-old son, Rahul, for some reason, always picked purple, apparently deciding that he really liked last place.

Until they started playing the game, I didn't realize how popular white and grey were. Black is also a fairly popular color.

But if my kids were playing the game in India, they'd have to avoid black and grey. Those colors are rather unpopular in India, unlike in Europe and North America, as Paul Kedrosky notes. If you look at the Financial Times chart, you'll see that the top colors in India are white, silver and red.

So what do Indians have against black cars? That's what I want to know -- and so does the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Black Cars (SPCBC). There are several possibilities:

1. Black is seen as an unfavorable or unlucky color, to put it mildly.

2. Black absorbs heat faster than lighter colors.

3. Black is the color of the Oakland Raiders and thus considered evil.

4. Black cars show dirt more readily, as well as the fingerprints of your mistress.

5. Black cars are harder to find in a parking lot, after a hard night of drinking.

6. Taxis in India are black and nobody wants to be hailed constantly.

7. Black is the color of crows, who tend to drop something that's overly visible on black cars.

Whatever the reason, it's just not fair. Imagine how that poor black car feels, sitting in a showroom in Kolkata, waiting for someone to take him home. 

Please don't despair, black car. It could be worse. You could be green. Nobody's going green these days, not even the environmentalists.

Someone will eventually pick you, black car. After all, 7% of cars sold in India are black. So be patient. Any day now, some rich man or woman will come along and buy you, telling the salesperson that you're the perfect gift for their mother-in-law.