FunnyColumns

Will Kanye read his own book?

Kanye West does not believe in reading books. But he does believe in sharing his wisdom, so he has published a book called “Thank You And You’re Welcome.”

His book is 52 pages — some blank, others with just a few words — and offers his optimistic philosophy on life. One two-page section reads, “Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!” Another page reads “I hate the word hate!” [Link]

Wow, Kanye, did you come up with those yourself?

Apparently not. The book has only 52 pages, yet Kanye needed help from J. Sakiya Sandifer, a motivational speaker and "thinker" who apparently does not read books either.

TEC: What books do you like to read?

JSS: Honestly, I don’t read much. Non reader-life inspires me. That’s what I write about. Life how I see it—recording my thoughts on paper. Think think think and think again were past conversations I had that incorporated real life situations. [Link]

So here we have two guys who don't read books, but want us to buy theirs, just in case we're eager to read “Kanye-isms" such as: "Get used to being used.” (Yeah, especially if you buy the book.)

West’s derision of books comes despite the fact that his late mother, Donda West, was a university English professor before she retired to manage his music career. She died in 2007 of complications following cosmetic surgery.

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed,” West said. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. [Link]

Me neither, Kanye. It would be kinda scary -- a book autographing itself.

It's a good thing you're not self-absorbed, Kanye. Otherwise, your book might have been 60 pages or something.

Put down your carrots, I surrender!

Vegetables can protect you -- and not just from diseases. They often protect me from noisy children. If my kids are disturbing me while I'm trying to write, I just grab some brocolli or spinach from the fridge and they're off running.

A 66-year-old Welsh woman named Patricia Scott recently protected herself with carrots. She used them to scare off Kevin Humphrey Jones, 24, who had tried to rob Scott's store.

Prosecutor Tom Morgan Jones said Jones, of no fixed address, went into the shop at the village of Talwrn, last February, wearing a hooded top. He demanded cash from the till.

At first Miss Scott thought he was a local youth playing a joke and told him not to be silly. “The defendant said ‘you are not taking this seriously’,” explained Mr Morgan Jones.

“At that stage he produced a short-bladed knife and pushed that at arms’ length to within about a foot of her face. She was terrified and her heart pounded.”

Miss Scott handed over £40 in £5 notes but Jones wanted more.

However, the brave shopkeeper pelted him with carrots, a roll of Sellotape, and receipt book. [Link]

The receipt book and sellotape were relatively harmless, but the carrots ... well, they're pointy. Don't be surprised if you see these words on the next bag of carrots you buy: "Warning: Carrots can cause serious bodily harm. Please handle with care. Do not throw at innocent people and do not insert in any orifice, except the mouth."

And don't be surprised if you see a bumper sticker that says: "Carrots don't kill people. People kill people."

Jones fled, threatening to get a gun.

He made off at speed in a car driven by a woman but it was followed the short distance to Llangefni by a man who noted the registration.

Defence lawyer Robin Boag said Jones had been involved with drugs since the age of 13. “This case demonstrates the dreadful effects drugs have on lives,” he said. [Link]

Yes, it shows the dreadful effects of drugs, but it also shows the positive effects of vegetables. So on behalf of farmers everywhere, let me say this: Even if you don't like to eat vegetables, make sure you buy them. You never know when you might need them.

Photo by Allert Aalders

Look out, it might be the end of the world

If you've been meaning to write a book, climb Mount Everest or do something else significant with your life, you'd better act fast. The world might soon be coming to an end. Of course, you probably already realized that, as soon as the swine flu outbreak hit the headlines. You've probably already made plans to attend the discussion at the Jehovah Witnesses' convention entitled "How to Survive the End of the World."

"We feel it is imminent," spokesman Richard Ferris said. "We can't really put a date on it, and the scriptures tell us that nobody knows days or hours, but we'll look at the signs as a theme of our convention and keep on the watch."

Jehovah Witnesses believe that while the apocalypse will be terrible for many, it will be the beginning of a better world for the faithful.

"The fighting against nations, we're seeing more earthquakes, you can look at the swine flu, all this, and it just points to the things that shows we are getting very close to what we feel is the end," Ferris said. [Link]

Fighting against nations, more earthquakes, swine flu ... if that doesn't convince you that the world is coming to an end, consider this: The Arizona Cardinals played in the Super Bowl!

Here are five other signs that the end might be near:

1.India won an individual Gold Medal at the Beijing Olympics.

2. Slumdog Millionaire won eight Oscars.

3. America elected a black president.

4. Michelle Obama put her arm around the Queen.

5. One of my daughters ate her vegetables.

Watch out Bono, here comes Moyo

Bono, the U2 singer, believes that western nations should give aid to Africa. Dambisa Moyo does not. She may not be as famous as Bono, but just wait. The Zambian-born, Oxford-educated economist is going places -- and making a lot of people sweat.

Galled by the ease with which Dambisa Moyo, the Zambian economist and former investment banker, has suddenly risen to prominence this year, activists are circulating detailed critiques of her ideas and mass mailing African non-government organisations to mobilise support against her.

Yet it is proving hard to suppress the hyperactive graduate of Oxford and Harvard, who pops up weekly in a new capital to promote her book Dead Aid- the title itself an affront to rock star Bob Geldof's Live Aid campaigns.

The former Goldman Sachs strategist has become something of a phenomenon. In April, she hit the New York Times bestseller list; this month she was named on Time Magazine's list of the 100 most influential people, and has been appointed to the board of brewer SAB Miller.

Within days of reading about her, Paul Kagame, Rwanda's president, flew Ms Moyo out to address his government. This month, Col Muammar Gadaffi, the Libyan leader, invited her to Tripoli. [Link]

Dambisa, please don't go to Tripoli. Gadaffi may say he's interested in your ideas, but what do you think he said to those other pretty women he invited to Tripoli? Trust me, you aren't going to sell a lot of books with the name "Dambisa Gadaffi."

Broadly, Ms Moyo argues that official development assistance has fostered dependency and perpetuated poor governance. She proposes a blend of commercial debt, microfinance, fairer trade and investment in its place.

Her ideas are not especially new. But the publicity she has attracted poses challenges to an industry accustomed to having the most vocal campaigners on its side. Activists fear that in Ms Moyo, developed countries seeking an excuse to slash aid budgets, have found one at a time that Africa is especially in need. They dismiss her book as simplistic - even dangerous. Some critics claim her ideas are gaining prominence because of the novelty of a passionate, young African woman taking on the aid establishment. [Link]

She's not just young and passionate, she's also smart, attractive and eloquent, a deadly combination. Not that I agree with her. I think that aid can work -- if it goes to the right projects, if it doesn't end up in politicians' pockets. Those are big IFs. Here's a bigger IF: Bono could easily win a debate against Moyo -- if she happens to have a bad case of laryngitis.

Deccan Chargers win IPLSAE final

The Chargers were charged up and the Challengers just weren't challenging enough. As a result, the Deccan Chargers beat the Royal Challengers Bangalore today and were crowned champions of the IPLSAE (Indian Premier League, South African Edition).

Deccan Chargers beat Royal Challengers Bangalore by six runs in Johannesburg in the final of the second season of the Indian Premier League.

Having lost captain Adam Gilchrist for a third-ball duck, Herschelle Gibbs (53 not out) and Andrew Symonds (33 from 21 balls) helped Deccan post 143-6.

And despite Roelof van der Merwe's 32, Symonds took 2-18 and a late collapse left Bangalore six runs short.

The tournament was staged in South Africa because of security concerns.

It clashed with the recent Indian general election and with the government unable to provide security assurances, South Africa pipped England to act as replacement hosts. [Link]

It's pretty amazing that a tournament of such magnitude could be moved to another country on fairly short notice. South Africa deserves a lot of credit for what Stuart Hess of The Sunday Independent calls a "terrible inconvenience."

The Indian Premier League, while entertaining and educational, has also been a terrible inconvenience for South Africa.

It hasn't helped that the organisers have been arrogant, rude and demanding. Lalit Modi, Sony Television, IMG, and the all the League's sponsors owe the South African public as well as Cricket South Africa and it's provincial affiliates a massive debt of gratitude that stretches far beyond giving cheques to schools, money to school kids and offering some attractive woman an audition in a Bollywood movie. [Link]

I fully support the last part, especially if it means seeing Miss South Africa Tatum Keshwar in a few Bollywood movies.

The convicts on the bus go, "Bye, bye, bye."

Traveling by plane can be scary. Just ask Tony Kornheiser, whose fear of flying caused him to quit as a Monday Night Football announcer. But traveling by bus can be even scarier, especially if you happen to be seated next to some guy named "Slash."

Since April 2006, the Bureau of Prisons has allowed 89,794 federal inmates to be transferred without escorts, traveling mainly by bus. The rationale behind the unescorted transfers, according to bureau spokeswoman Traci Billingsley, is purely economic: Having prison officials, or U.S. marshals, in charge of moving inmates who have been prescreened and deemed low-risk would be incredibly expensive, she said. Exactly how much it would cost, the Bureau of Prisons doesn't know. [Link]

Yikes! I had no clue this was going on. I actually thought those guys wearing orange on the bus were Denver Broncos fans.

Bus companies, as you can imagine, aren't thrilled about dominating the prisoner transportation market.

Greyhound executives learned of the transfer program in 2005 and complained. Prison officials tried to appease them, writing a letter noting that of the 77 inmates who escaped during unescorted transfers from October 2003 to September 2005, all but 19 were recaptured or returned to custody.
Greyhound executives learned of the transfer program in 2005 and complained. Prison officials tried to appease them, writing a letter noting that of the 77 inmates who escaped during unescorted transfers from October 2003 to September 2005, all but 19 were recaptured or returned to custody. [Link]

I wonder what it feels like for those 19. They must be thrilled that they escaped, but they don't exactly have a great escape story.

Boy: "Grandpa, how did you get out of prison? Did you dig a tunnel or hide yourself in the laundry?"

Grandpa: "No, they put me on a bus to St. Louis and I got off in Kansas City with some guy who kept telling me that the Broncos suck.'"

'Slumdogs' no more

Their homes in the slums of Mumbai were demolished recently, but things are looking up for Rubina Ali and Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail, two of Slumdog Millionaire's child stars.

The filmmakers have agreed to raise the amount of money they will spend on new apartments for each family from $30,000 to $50,000, a Jai Ho trustee and Rubina's father, Rafiq Qureshi, both told The Associated Press on Saturday.

Family members had worried that $30,000 would not be enough to secure decent housing in Mumbai's pricey real estate market.

In addition, the filmmakers have agreed to give each family a stipend of $130 a month and a lump sum of $3,000 a year to support the children while they are in school, the trustee and Qureshi said. [Link]

They also sent $130 stipends to Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel. Freida used the money to get her nails done. Well, not all of it. She did let Dev keep 10 bucks.

The new Army uniform: pink boxer shorts

U.S. Army Specialist Zachary Boyd fought the Taliban wearing pink boxer shorts and flip flops, and has been commended for it by Defense Secretary Robert Gates.

"Any soldier who goes into battle against the Taliban in pink boxers and flip-flops has a special kind of courage," Gates said in a speech to be delivered in New York.

"I can only wonder about the impact on the Taliban. Just imagine seeing that: a guy in pink boxers and flip-flops has you in his cross-hairs. What an incredible innovation in psychological warfare," he said.

Army Specialist Zachary Boyd, 19, of Fort Worth, Texas, rushed from his sleeping quarters on May 11 to join fellow platoon members at a base in Afghanistan's Kunar Province after the unit came under fire from Taliban positions.

A news photographer was on hand to record the image of Boyd standing at a makeshift rampart in helmet, body armor, red T-shirt and boxers emblazoned with the message: "I love NY." [Link]

Boyd is quite the hero. But times sure have changed. Wasn't it just a few years ago that you'd get kicked out of the U.S. Army for wearing pink boxer shorts?

Don't count on using the loo

India's general election went fairly smoothly, except for any women needing to use the toilet, as Abantika Ghosh recounts in her blog. Covering the vote count for The Times of India, Abantika found herself with a full bladder, but nowhere to go. She had to complete a virtual obstacle course to find a toilet, and when she finally did, guess what happened?

There it was. ``Ladies’ Toilet’’ written in bright red, right in front of me. I made a dash and almost rammed into a bulky man in white cotton short and pant – the typical ones worn by politicians’ hangers-on. Even before I could open my mouth to chastise him for using the women’s loo, three or four men trooped in. As far as they were concerned they had definitely missed half of the sign outside. They had just read the second word and got going.

I gave up. [Link]

Poor Abantika. Life can be so unfair. Isn't it enough that men can pee almost anywhere? Do they need to take over the Ladies' Toilet too?

Photo by Matt Logelin

Still working on the faith statement

I met the Rev. Manoj Ingle at a candlelight vigil in Winnipeg organized by the Tamil community. I googled him and found his church's website. I clicked on the "About Us" link and came across the church's faith statement:

New Hope Community Church of the Nazarene is a Christian faith community that believes:

• The Bible is the word of God
• All people are sinful and in need of a savior
• (more will go here)

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to find out what else they believe.

Tripping out with the kids

If you're planning to drive across the country with children aged 10 or younger, let me give you some advice: go and see a psychiatrist immediately. You need help! With a little therapy or medication, you may be able to control this urge to inflict pain on yourself.

I wish I had seen a psychiatrist before my recent 14-hour drive to Edmonton with my three kids, Lekha, Divya, and Rahul, also known as the PASSENGERS FROM HELL.

The trip was partly for business -- my wife needed to make a presentation at a conference -- and partly for pleasure -- the kids were looking forward to having lots of fun, which is why it wasn’t long after she sat in the car that Divya asked the question, “Are we there yet?”

“Not yet,” Lekha said. “Mommy’s still checking if she turned the stove off.”

Divya paused, waited a little while and asked the question again.

“We’re getting closer,” Lekha said. “I just saw the sign at the end of our street.”

In her defense, I should mention that Divya is only 5 and didn’t really have a concept of where we were going, why we were driving such a long distance to visit some guy named Ed Minton.

Many parents have DVD players in their vehicles, so the kids can watch movies during a long trip, movies that, with any luck, will put them to sleep. We decided not to take a DVD player along, partly because we wanted our kids to do some creative stuff on the trip and partly because, like most good parents, we were suffering from brain damage.

An email that a-tax us

Some emails can be downright scary, such as this one that has been landing in scores of inboxes and even appears as a news item (seemingly) on the website of India Journal, making it available through Google News.

NEW DELHI – The Government of India announced April 22 imposition of a flat 5% tax on all NRIs over their world-wide income.

Income that is already taxed in India has been kept out of the purview to avoid double taxation. No double taxation benefits would be available for this 5% tax, meaning even if you are paying tax on your income in a country with which India has double taxation agreement, the benefit would not be allowed against this 5% tax.

All those Indians who are holding Indian Passports and have been out of the country for more than 180 days during the year are under this requirement. Income proof would have to be submitted in form of employer certificates, foreign tax filings etc.

The Indian government is also coordinating with Australia, Europe, America, UAE and other countries on collecting Income data for its citizens as part of data sharing initiative on terror prevention measures. This has been hailed as bringing in compulsory participation in development of India from Non Resident Indians. This means NRIs can no more just continue to retain their Indian citizenship without paying taxes in India. ...

Having recently filed my taxes, the thought of having to hand over another piece of my income almost gave me a lump in my throat. Thankfully, Fawaz Iqbal put me at ease when I came across a post on his blog that confirmed the email's hoaxity (is that a word?). But I'm still a little concerned and join a commenter named Guru on Fawaz's blog in asking -- even begging -- the creator of the email "not to give such ideas to our Indian politicians."

Shocking news: Gay Indians are getting married!

Newsflash: Gay couples are getting married! And some of them, believe it or not, are Indians!

Yes, it's true! Mansi Choksi of The Times of India has done some investigative work and uncovered same-sex marriage ceremonies in Durban, Seattle and Toronto involving Indians. "These warm, happy stories may sound unbelievable given the stream of stories of social hostility against gay people," Choksi writes, "but the fact is that same-sex marriage ceremonies have been performed in Indian households, rich and poor, and in cities and small towns alike."

Choksi has even found evidence of same-sex marriages in India, where homosexuality is still considered a criminal act.

A Mumbai activist from Gay Bombay confirms that there are reports of marriages every week, whether it is a lesbian couple in Punjab or Kerala or gay men in Gujarat or Delhi. [Link]

Police Inspector: "Sir, I've heard reports that the lesbian couple got married."

Police Superintendent: "Which lesbian couple, the one in Punjab or Kerala?"

Inspector: "I'm not sure, sir. I will check with the gay men in Gujarat and Delhi."

Superintendent: "Also check with that activist from Gay Bombay and that other activist from Straight Bombay."

Ashok Row Kavi, who pioneered the opening of the closet in India, says he knows several couples who have tied the knot. "There's one big plus-point about Hindu priests," says Kavi with a straight face. "They'll forget about everything if you show them a few bucks." [Link]

Now that's really offensive. Hindu priests are just like priests in other religions -- you have to show them a lot of bucks.

Choksi offers a few real examples of gay Indians who got married, though none who currently live in India.

For San Jose residents Arvind Kumar and Ashok Jethanandani too, exchanging vows in Arvind's brother house in Toronto was the most memorable day of their lives. Arvind, a board member of the California Native Plant Society and Ashok, editor of India Currents magazine, met when they were in their early 30s. "We became roommates and then lovers," says Arvind.

Arvind and Ashok were married in a traditional Indian ceremony complete with dhotis and agni. "Ashok and I are very sentimental people, we thought it was a great idea," he says. It was Arvind's mother, who had once adamantly rejected his sexuality, who came up with the idea. "When my family realised that what I had with Ashok was not 'timepass', they accepted us in their own way. He is very special to my family."

Timepass? That reminds me of the time I was 12 and my mother found me in the bedroom with another boy.

Mother: "Hey, what is going on? What are you two doing?"

Me: "It's just timepass, Mom."

Mother: "What kind of timepass is this?"

Me: "We're just having a little fun."

Mother: "Fun? Can't you have fun without hugging each other like that?"

Me: "We're not hugging each other, Mom. It's called wrestling. Haven't you seen it on TV?"

Barack Obama's stand-up act

The president of America is always funniest at the annual White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. Yes, even George W. Bush was funny. Barack Obama doesn't quite have the timing of Bill Clinton, but he's pretty good.

Loved this line: "I believe that my next 100 days will be so successful, I will be able to complete them in 72 days."

Yeah, Obama was pretty funny, but if you want to see a real comedian at work, just check out Wanda Sykes. A couple of her jokes may go over the line (the Limbaugh joke, for example), but she was hilarious, especially in the beginning, when she pokes fun at Obama ("I know you're into this transparency thing, but we don't need to see your nipples").