FunnyColumns

Selling cars all the way to the blue yonder

Arizona car salesman Chuck P. Dimmick has died, but he's still selling cars. Just take a look at his obituary.

Dimmick, Chuck P.
born December 29, 1958 in Riverside, CA passed away suddenly on April 18, 2009 while attending a NASCAR race to watch his favorite driver, Jeff Gordon. Chuck was the loving husband of Kristen and devoted father of Dillon. Chuck was the Director of Marketing for the Lund Cadillac Group. We are sure he would still want all to know that 0.9% financing is still available on all New 2008 Hummer H2's. A mass celebrating Chuck's life will be held at 11:00 AM on Friday, April 24th at St. Patrick's Church - 10815 N. 84th St. Scottsdale, AZ. Arrangements handled by Hansen Desert Hill Mortuary 480-991-5800. In Lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the Dillon Dimmick Donation Fund at any Bank of America. [Link]

Wherever he is, Chuck is probably smiling. Chuck, I have only one thing to say to you: R.I.P. (Reduced Interest Pleases!)

Please don't call her 'aunty'

Picture this: You're a single woman in your early forties who has taken a liking to a handsome twenty- something guy who lives in your apartment building. Hey, if it works for Demi, why not you? So you gather the courage and leave a box of samosas at his door, with a note that says, "Just made a batch and thought you might like a few."

An hour later, there's a knock at your door. He's standing there in shorts and a tank top, looking as studly as ever. "The samosas were great," he says. "Thank you for thinking of me, Aunty."

Well, that probably never happened to Shobha Tharoor Srinivasan, but she's nevertheless peeved about being called "aunty" by people she barely knows, as she states in this month's Khabar (her piece originally appeared in India Currents, linked below).

Today, the title “aunty” is so overused and misused that it has lost its position and meaning. Indian-American children are taught that every adult female is a potential aunty; many carry this presumption to the conclusion that any adult female older than them can be an aunty. I’m not referring to school children here, but to those I see as adults, the lipsticked and bearded variety, who ought to know better. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with terms like ammayi, or cheriamma, or edathi, all specific Malayalam words that acknowledge individuals who are close family members and deserve rightful respect in the family’s pecking order. There are equivalent terms in every Indian language: terms like maami, mausi, and didi that all validate close family connections. But amongst English-speaking Indian Americans, the frequent use of “aunty” or “uncle” is more often an example of lazy speech, or a desire to bump the individual in question into the category of doddering older-other, than it is a thoughtful moniker of respect. Therein lies the problem. [Link]

Srinivasan, Director of Development at SVILC, Santa Clara County’s Independent Living Center (and aunty to Shashi Tharoor's sons), notes the importance of aunties in Indian culture -- "Children have always needed aunties: women who were caring and courageous enough to share in the act of mothering" -- and offers some guidelines on using the term "aunty":

If I have not known you when you were a child, and been a part of your life as you learnt and grew—I am not your aunty.

If you are an adult with or without furrows on your temples, and our paths have never crossed before—I am not your aunty.

If your children are younger than mine, or you are the same age as my grown children, but I am meeting you for the first time—I am not your aunty.

And if you’re just not sure what to call someone? Ask; don’t assume. [Link]

I've been called "uncle" a few times and not just by my nephew and nieces, so I'd like to offer some guidelines too. Whatever your age, you may use the term "uncle," as long as you use it in sentences like these:

• "Sure, Uncle, I'll babysit your children every Friday night."
• "May I mow your lawn for you, Uncle?"
• "To my Uncle Melvin, I leave all my worldly possessions ..."

And, of course:

• "Here are some samosas I made for you, Uncle."

So many ways to prove your manhood

There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to prove his manhood, he needs to show that he’s a “real man” –- or about to become one. For the typical male, this isn’t a one-time act, but something he feels compelled to do every few years, just to reassure himself, just to calm one of his greatest fears –- that his manhood is shrinking.

The first act of proving his manhood usually happens early in life, when he’s still a teen-ager. He looks in the mirror, discovers that he has grown a mustache and, with great pride and excitement, shaves it off and applies aftershave. He purchased the aftershave five years earlier in anticipation of this historic moment. He forgot to buy a razor, but thankfully he has no trouble finding his sister’s.

If he lives in certain parts of the world, this first act may be starkly different. It may involve circumcision, a word that’s derived from Latin and literally means “Ouch! My manhood!” (Trust me, there’s no more painful way of proving your manhood than losing part of it.)

It may involve fighting and defeating a large, ferocious animal –- a lion or bear or professional wrestler. In some African tribes, you aren’t a real man until you’ve gone to the forest and come home with a lion, preferably a dead one. Bringing home a lion is a daunting task, needless to say, especially if you can’t afford the prices set by the local entrepreneur, the one who has a chain of Rent-a-Lion stores.

Hefty salary, no bride

It used to be that Indian men working in America, whether citizens, permanent residents or H-1B visa holders, could go to India and have their pick of a bride. They were considered good catches, the type of fish you don’t throw back in the lake. Not anymore, apparently, according to the Wall Street Journal.

Concerned about the flagging U.S. economy, parents of brides are reluctant to betroth their daughters to someone whose job may evaporate. Rahul Tamraker, 32, a consultant in Chicago, learned this firsthand during his fruitless bride search in India. Potential in-laws were worried that "consultant" was another way of saying "unemployed." One parent wanted to see Tamraker’s income tax return, paying heed to the age-old matchmaking principle: "Good income, good outcome." Tamraker declined and the marriage talks fizzled.

Poor guy. He’s got a hefty salary, but no bride. Which may be better, of course, than having a hefty bride, but no salary.

Then there's Vikas Marwaha, a software enginer who's only 27 and earning more than 80 grand a year.

During a two-week wife-hunting trip to India in December, Mr. Marwaha interviewed 20 potential brides in 10 days. He says several parents asked him, "How has the recession impacted your job?" Mr. Marwaha says he assured them he hadn't been affected at all, but still he returned to the U.S. brideless. [Link]

Indian engineer: "I went to India for some wife-hunting last month. What did you do?"

American engineer: "I went to Indiana for some deer-hunting."

Indian: "Really? Did you get one?"

American: "Yes, I got one and mounted it. What about you?"

Indian: "No, I didn't come close to doing any mounting whatsoever."

Anisha Seth, 26, has been looking for a groom for two years now. But she feels "jittery" about considering nonresident Indians as possible options. ...

Ms. Seth says that if she were to move to the U.S. or to another developed country, she might not get a job quickly and would have to be dependent on her husband for a while. While she's open to the idea of giving up her independence, she worries that given the state of the U.S. economy, a groom based in America might not be earning enough to support her. For instance, Ms. Seth says she likes nice clothes and would like to have a flat-screen TV. [Link]

American Engineer: "I heard you went to India on another wife-hunting trip. Did you get one?"

Indian Engineer: "Yes, I finally got one."

American (smiles and winks): "So there's been some mounting?"

Indian: "Yes, there's been some mounting. I just mounted a flat-screen TV on the wall."

If everyone did what Sid did

The Hispanic man had just lost his home to a foreclosure. He and his family needed a place to stay. He told the Indian-American motel owner that all he had was 50 bucks. What do you think the motel owner said? (a) "Okay, give me the money. You can stay for one night. One night only!" (b) "Sorry, if you can’t afford my rates, you can’t stay here." (c) "Keep the money. I trust you." (d) "Don’t you have Visa? What about MasterCard?"

If you answered ‘c,’ perhaps you know Siddiqi Hansoti, owner of the El Dorado Motel in Salinas, Calif. As reported on NPR, Hansoti didn’t turn Gus Hernandez away, but made him feel welcome.

"I liked Mr. Hernandez," Hansoti remembers. "I observed his family and [thought he was] a nice man, a soft-speaking guy."

Hernandez didn't want to owe Hansoti money and offered to leave the motel after his family had been there for three weeks. Hansoti said he needed a handyman, and Hernandez could take the job and continue to live in the motel.

Hernandez agreed. He now calls Hansoti both his employer and his friend.

Hernandez says, "When I had money, I had a lot of friends, but when I didn't, Sid was there." [Link]

The El Dorado isn't a classy motel. But its owner is all class.

Newspapers are a treat, not a tweet

It's been a tough year for the newspaper industry in America. So tough that one major newspaper has printed its own obituary (rest in peace, Rocky Mountain News), another has ended its print edition (see you online, Seattle Post-Intelligencer) and a third is writing its last will and testament (you’re like family to me, San Francisco Chronicle).

Many other newspapers are taking drastic steps to prevent their demise, such as cutting their staff, publishing fewer times per week, and combining the "Sports" and "News" sections into a single section called "Spews."

Yes, newspapers in America are in deep trouble. They’ve given President Obama so much love, but what does he do? He kisses the auto industry’s rear bumper.

I don't know about you, but I really hope my local newspaper keeps arriving at my doorstep. My wife doesn't like it when I take the computer into the bathroom. I don’t know why I bothered getting a computer desk with wheels.

Actually, I usually use a laptop, which is small and light, but still not bathroom-approved. Even if I used a Blackberry, it probably wouldn’t give me the same satisfaction as turning actual pages –- or sticking an editorial onto the toilet roll.

There’s something special about a newspaper that laptops or Blackberries or iPhones will never replace. When Obama won the presidency, millions of Americans saved the next day’s newspaper, realizing that it was a copy of history that their grandchildren or great-grandchildren would one day be able to auction off.

Manmohan Singh gets Obama's autograph

Dr. Manmohan Singh is a happy man today. He just got Barack Obama's autograph. The trip to London was well worth it.

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, leader of the world’s largest democracy, used part of his one-on-one session with Obama to ask for an autograph on behalf of his daughter (or so he said). [Link]

Singh, 76, has three daughters, all accomplished women who probably wouldn't have bugged their dad to get Obama's autograph. So what gives? Surely a man of Singh's stature didn't need to look like a fawning fan.

Instead of speculating further, I decided to ask Singh himself. He graciously accepted my long-distance phone call.

Me: "Congratulations Dr. Singh! I heard that the G-20 summit went well."

Singh: "Thank you. It was very successful. I met The Man."

Me: "Yes, I heard. What did you say to The Man?"

Singh: "I said 'You da Man!' And I shared some turban-wearing tips with him."

Me: "I heard that you also got his autograph."

Singh: "Yes, I asked him for his autograph and he gave it to me quickly, without hesitation, without even looking away from the cameras. What a nice man. I am very pleased to have his autograph on a document called 'Pledge to Increase Outsourcing.'"

Me: "I knew you were a brilliant man, Dr. Singh, but I didn't realize how brilliant."

Career of the future: blog commenter

A father and son are having a chat. "Have you decided on a career?" the father asks.

"I want to be just like you," the son replies. "I want to be a professional blog commenter."

The father laughs. "I'm not a professional blog commenter. That's just a hobby."

"But Mommy says you do it all day, even when you're at work. She says you write 100 comments a day."

"Mommy's just exaggerating. I write only 99 comments a day. But I do it just for fun. You can't really make a living doing it. Nobody gets paid to write blog comments."

"Yes, they do! I've seen ads on the Internet. Look, here are two of them."

I'm looking someone to post relevant comments on blogs related only to:
internet marketing
Using WordPress
You must locate related internet marketing and wordpress blogs to comment on that are at least:
PR 4 +
do follow links
Your comments must be:
approved and published, useful, readable and relevant and contain my keywords as anchor text related to my website and link back to my site. [Link]

HI i want someone who can do this very efficiently for me. I have one all topics blogging website. I need someone who can post blog comments for me on my website.
The comments should be unique and relevant to the topic.
Excellent English knowledge needed for this work. [Link]

The father shakes his head. "You mean I've been writing comments for free when I could have been making money?"

"Yes, Daddy."

"I've written more than 100,000 comments, wasted so many hours and don't have a cent to show for it. What a big idiot I am!"

"No, Daddy. Not a big one. They probably wouldn't have hired you."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they're probably looking for someone who graduated from Columbia University's School of New Media, someone who has taken courses in blog commenting."

"They're offering courses in blog commenting?"

"Yes, Daddy. They're offering three courses: Introduction to Commenting, Intermediate Commenting and Advanced Commenting."

"I wonder what they teach in Advanced Commenting."

"Isn't it obvious, Daddy? They teach you how to hire people to leave comments for you."