Nshima & Curry

Amobi Okoye gives back to Nigeria

Pro football players are always getting into trouble with the law. At least that's how it seems. Just take a look at the typical NFL player's speed dial: 1. Lawyer; 2. Attorney; 3. Counsel; 4. Bail bondsman. 

That's why it's so refreshing to read about the good guys -- and there are more good guys in the NFL than bad guys, no matter what you might read in the police blotter. Take Amobi Okoye, for example. The 21-year-old Houston Texans defensive end is giving back to his motherland, Nigeria, in a big way.

He will take a short break from working out at Reliant Stadium to return to Nigeria. Traveling with fellow NFL players, including Oakland’s Nnamdi Asomugha, the New York Giants’ Osi Umenyiora and Chicago’s Tommie Harris, Okoye will embark on another nine-day mission funded mostly by himself.

He will hand out 20 more C.A.T.E. (Changing Africa Through Education) scholarships to 10 girls and 10 boys heading to universities in Nigeria. The players also will conduct two football camps. [Link]

It's a great program, even if one boy got slapped by his girlfriend for wearing a T-shirt that said "I LOVE CATE."

The six doctors and seven nurses traveling with the group will offer free clinics to Nigerians in need, and Okoye will present his plans for his newest project — a type of prep school that would possibly be located in the capital city of Abuja.

“We want to build an academy,” Okoye said. “It’s an academy that would excel in sports and academics, with football, soccer and tennis being the major sports of concentration. It would also teach the other Olympic sports. [Link]

The academy may help Nigeria produce many more NFL players whose names Americans can't pronounce. As ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli pointed out a few years ago, "Of all the emerging African countries, it is Nigeria, it seems, that is foremost in emerging as a hothouse for developing athletes capable of performing at the NFL level."

Amobi Okoye, Nnamdi Asomugha, Osi Umenyiora, Adewale Ogunleye, Victor Adeyanju ... if you can say those names quickly 20 times, then you'd better contact Fox Sports. They're looking for a good NFL announcer.

Seeking help for a missing laptop

If you're wondering why I haven't posted anything in a few days, it's because I've been trying to recover from a big loss. The first step was to make a desperate call to the police. 

Me: "My baby's missing."

Officer: "Your baby? When did this happen, sir?"

Me: "Yesterday. I left it in a shopping cart and someone took it."

Officer: "It? Is it a male or a female?"

Me: "Uh ... I think it's a male. It has lots of keys. And it gets turned on very easily."

Officer: "Have you been drinking, sir?"

Me: "No, not yet."

Officer: "What's your baby's name?"

Me: "Dell."

Officer: "Can you describe him?"

Me: "He's short and very slow. Well, sometimes he's slow; other times, he's very fast. It all depends on what I'm making him do."

Officer: "Is this a prank call, sir? You could get in big trouble for that."

Me: "No, it's not a prank call. I lost my laptop. I was very attached to him."

Officer: "Sir, I'd advise you to see a therapist. You need some help."

A few hours later, I was lying on a couch, telling my story to Dr. Della Laptova.

"The worst part is that it's all my fault. I made a terrible mistake. You see, I went to the grocery store with all my kids and, after loading three of them in my car, I suffered some sort of brain malfunction and left my baby in the shopping cart. I realized my mistake when I returned home, rushed back to the store, but it was too late. Someone had taken my baby. I can't believe there's someone out there touching my baby. I can't believe there's someone out there whispering sweet nothings into his USB port."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I feel so ... violated. How could someone do this to me?"

After a few sessions, Dr. Laptova advised me to join a support group. I found one listed in the newspaper: "Support Group for People Who've Lost a Laptop."

So there I was on a Thursday evening, listening to people who've survived the ordeal of losing a laptop.

Thirty-something man: "I just take it one day at a time. That's all you can do, really. I wish I could forget, but every time I see someone with a laptop, I think of my 'Shiba and how much joy she brought to my life. She had 2 gigabytes of RAM, you know."

Middle-aged woman: "That's the hardest part -- seeing other people with their laptops. People ask me why I don't just replace him, but they don't realize how much of my life was in his hard drive."  

Listening to the people in the support group made me more desperate to find my baby. I contacted a local TV station and asked them if I could appear on the 6 o' clock news. They gave me a minute to make a heartfelt plea: "Dell, if you're watching this, I want you to know how much I love you. Please come back to me. I will never let you out of my sight again. I promise!"

Someone advised me to put a 'lost' ad in the paper. So I did.

Signs that you're getting TOO cheap

The weak economy has forced many people to cut back on their spending, but some are going to extremes. Cheapskates, like Amy VanDeventer, are becoming even cheaper.

Before the economy tanked, she was still wearing maternity clothes from her last pregnancy, clipping coupons and using hand-me-downs to dress her daughters, ages 2 and 3. Now, she's salvaging bagel scraps left on their plates for pizza toppings and cutting lotion bottles in half so she can scrape out the last drops.

"I was already cheap," said VanDeventer, a 36-year-old mortgage loan underwriter from Broomfield, Colo. "Now I am neurotic about it."

If you thought those cheapskate friends and relatives couldn't pinch pennies any tighter, think again. The recession is making tightwads like VanDeventer cut back even more. They're going way beyond sharpening their coupon scissors, replacing already cheap store-brand fabric softener with vinegar and even making their own detergent. VanDeventer was drying her hair in front of a fan after her portable hair dryer broke - until her friends bought her a new one. [Link]

It's okay to be somewhat cheap, but here are some signs that you're getting WAY TOO CHEAP:

1. You dry your hair in front of a fan.

2. You take a shower only once a week, whenever it rains.

3. You save money by cutting out coupons and putting them in the offering plate in church.

4. You don't shop at Goodwill until they have a 50% off sale.

5. You shake the vending machine before putting any money in it.

6. You rub scented candles in your armpits each morning.

7. You take a friend to McDonald's so you can share the small fries.

8. You shave with your sharpest kitchen knife.

9. You take a disguise to the grocery store, so you can have two shots at the samples.

10. You don't use hair gel, just a dab of mayonnaise.

11. You floss your teeth with your cat's hair.

12. You take a newspaper to the bathroom, but not just to read.

13. You make meatloaf without any meat, creating a family favorite called eatloaf.

14. You carry a 10-cent balloon in your wallet, just in case.

15. Whenever you leave comments on the Internet, you say, "That's just my one cent."

Report: Gupta Girls Inconsolable After Sanjay Gupta Withdraws

SAN FRANCISCO -- A dozen women spent Thursday night on the Golden Gate Bridge, threatening to jump to their deaths, distraught over the news that Dr. Sanjay Gupta will not be the next surgeon general.

Gupta, the neurosurgeon and CNN medical correspondent, withdrew his name from consideration, purportedly to spend more time with his family.

The news disappointed many Indian-Americans and was particularly distressing to the Gupta Girls, a group of women who have been maintaining a fan site for Dr. Gupta, whom they've dubbed the "Sexiest Doctor on the Face of the Planet."

"We're utterly devastated," said the group's leader, an Atlanta woman who prefers to be known just as a Gupta Girl. "We thought he would definitely go to Washington. Some of us had even bought homes there."

More than 5,000 Gupta Girls had planned to attend Dr. Gupta's swearing-in ceremony, she said. "The Obama inauguration was big, but for us, this would have been bigger. We were going to dance all night at the Gupta Girls Ball. We were excited about taking our photos with Dr. Gupta and had already ordered several cutouts of him."

She could not confirm if any of the women on the bridge were Gupta Girls, but said it was highly likely. "Our email discussion list has more than 100,000 subscribers. Most of them have taken the news very hard. We're trying to arrange counseling for them. It's been a tough year. First the economy and now this."

Police cars blocked one lane of the bridge as an unidentified officer used a bullhorn to try to persuade the women not to jump. “Think about your children,” he said. “How are they going to manage without you?”

“Children?” one woman shouted back. “You think if I had children, I’d be filling my hard drive with pics of Dr. Gupta!”

"Tell Dr. Gupta to reconsider," another woman yelled. "He's thinking about his family, but what about us?"

A spokesman for CNN said Dr. Gupta could not comment, as he was busy preparing a segment for CNN called "Ten ways to keep yourself from going into depression."

Sorry, Doc, I don't feel 'blessed by angels'

Before selecting my doctor -- let's call him Dr. P -- I wish I had checked out the doctor reviews at RateMDs.com. I would have realized that Dr. P is severely lacking in his bedside manner and I'd be better off consulting Dr. Z.

Here's what one patient wrote about Dr. P: "Horrible manners. He doesn't ask if there is anything else he can help you with or even say goodbye. He just walks out the door. Considering how long the wait is to see him, you'd think he would take a little longer with his patients."

Having seen Dr. P a couple of times, I'd have to agree with the patient's review. Dr. P is in desperate need of some people skills. Perhaps he can borrow some from Dr. Howard Schafer, the outstanding OB/GYN specialist in Lafayette, Indiana, who helped my wife through two pregnancies.

Here's what one patient wrote about Dr. Schafer: "Dr. Schafer is deserving of so much respect! His presence just makes you feel blessed by angels. I truely believe he is doing what the good Lord has put him on this earth to do."

Okay, that reviewer was probably the pastor's wife. But here's another who's more specific: "He's a very good listener. He will not rush you. Very patient and very good bedside manners. Very gentle. I moved to Canada and really missed him during my third pregnancy. Highly recommended."

Yes, Malathi did miss him during her third pregnancy, including that screaming session known as the delivery. I'm sure many of Dr. Schafer's patients feel "blessed by angels," while many of Dr. P's patients feel "cursed by witches."

Let the women do the driving

My wife, Malathi, has a driver's license and thank goodness for that, because if she didn't have one, she wouldn't be able to buy any beer.

You have to be 18 to shop at the liquor store. Malathi is much older than that, but it's still conceivable that a sales clerk might ask her for ID, considering all the liquor fumes in the store. And when you're standing in line with a bunch of hip youngsters, who are listening to their iPods or texting their friends on their iPhones, the last thing you want to be doing is whipping out your passport.

Passports are the uncoolest form of ID. You might as well bring your mother to the store to say, "This is my daughter. She is older than 18. Would you like to see some of her baby pictures?"

Yes, the driver's license comes in handy, though, in Malathi's case, it ought to be called a drinker's license. Not that Malathi drinks a lot. She has a little wine or beer occasionally. A couple of times a month, which means that she does a lot more drinking than driving. Unless you count the type of driving that involves me and a wall.

When she goes to work, she takes the bus. It’s convenient, economical and less stressful. She gets to do some reading on the bus — and more than just all the tattoos.

When we go out as a family, guess who does the driving? Yes, Mr. Imbecile. That’s me. Malathi sits next to me and tells me what I did wrong: “Weren’t you supposed to turn left over there?” “Weren’t you supposed to slow down for the yellow light?” “Weren’t you supposed to stay out of the ditch?”