FunnyColumns

Please help Saudi women: send them panties

Just before Valentine's Day, a Facebook group called "Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women" urged people to send pink underwear to the head of Sri Ram Sena, a right-wing group in India that had viciously attacked women drinking in a bar.

In the same spirit, I'm urging everyone to send panties to any Saudi women they know. I'm also urging President Obama to order the Air Force to drop thousands of panty packages on Saudia Arabia. Each package would carry a letter:

Dear Friend:

Please find enclosed panties of various sizes and colors. Keep the ones you like and pass the others to your friends and relatives. This is a gift from me, Michelle Obama, to the women of Saudi Arabia (and only the women!).

I recently learned how difficult it is for you to buy underwear, how you're forced to deal with men working in lingerie shops. As a 20-year-old Saudi woman told BBC News, "Girls don't feel very comfortable when males are selling them lingerie, telling them what size they need, and saying 'I think this is small on you, I think this is large on you'." To be honest, I don't even like it when Barack tells me that my panties are too small for me.

"What do you know about bras and panties?" I said to him. "Just worry about your stimulus package."

"I am," he said.

He thinks he knows everything, but he doesn't. I've had to correct him so many times. I'm sure you know what that's like. Men in Saudi Arabia seem to think they know what's best for women. They tell you what to wear, whether you can work and how you can travel. It's a wonder they don't tell you when you should have your period.

Freedom comes in small steps, so consider these panties a small step. You didn't have to buy them from men. In fact, the planes that dropped them on you were being flown by female pilots. I made sure of that. I wanted you to get a bunch of panties, but not get your panties in a bunch.

Michelle Obama, First Lady

Waiting 12 hours to shake Obama's hand

If you live in Congressional District 17 of New York State and were wondering where your Congressman was on Tuesday, he was sitting in an aisle seat in the House chamber, waiting to shake President Obama's hand. Nothing wrong with that, until you realize how much time Rep. Eliot Engel spent in the seat before Obama arrived to address Congress. More than 12 hours! And you thought you didn't have a life!

Engel has staked out an aisle seat hours in advance each year since President George H.W. Bush's address to a joint session of Congress in 1989. This morning, he snagged an aisle seat at 8:30 a.m. and sat there all day, save for a few bathroom and snack breaks.

Speaking to us by cell phone earlier today from the House floor, he said, "It's an honor to shake the hand of the president of the United States no matter who it is." [Link]

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure it IS an honor, but don't you have anything better to do with your time, such as trimming your nose hair?

Sure enough, when the president entered the House chamber to deliver his address, Engel got his presidential handshake. And he got a little more face time on Obama's way out.

So did dozens of others who clamored for the aisles, many wielding pens and programs of tonight's speech for the president to sign. [Link]

If I were Obama, I'd be careful which programs I signed.

Engel: "Great news, New Yorkers! I'm starting a Friday Night Prostitution Program!"

New Yorker: "Wonderful! But wait a minute ... is that legal?"

Engel: "Of course it is! The president has signed off on it."

Proposed agreement between Aishwarya and Freida

WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan (née Rai) won the Miss World contest in 1994, bringing glory to India and paving the way for three lesser beauties to win the same title.

WHEREAS, Freida Pinto was a model who appeared in ads for Hutch, Airtel and Wrigley’s Chewing Gum, but was not selected by L'Oréal, the world's largest cosmetics and beauty company, to grace billboards in New York, Toronto and other major cities around the world, causing innumerable men to drive their cars into telephone poles.

WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan has long been known as “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World,” a title bestowed on her by none other than Julia Roberts, which, along with the acronym TMBWIIW, is widely recognized as her trademark, in much the same way as Angelina Jolie is widely considered to possess the trademark of TMBWITWOTA, or “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World Other Than Aishwarya.”

WHEREAS, Aishwarya Bachchan has appeared in 40 movies, has been crowned the “Queen of Bollywood,” and is a favorite of Mani Ratnam, Ashutosh Gowariker and other top directors who have created blockbusters featuring such acclaimed stars as Amitabh Bachchan, Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Bachchan.

WHEREAS, Freida Pinto has appeared in just one English movie, a role that required her mainly to smile and look pretty, while Aishwarya Bachchan has starred in several English movies such as Bride and Prejudice, Mistress of Spices and The Pink Panther 2, roles that required her to not just smile and look pretty, but also flutter her eyelashes.

All kinds of doors opening for A.R. Rahman

Seema Saleem, Anchor, ETV-India: "Good evening. Our top story this hour is once again Slumdog Millionaire’s domination of the Oscars. The Danny Boyle-directed movie bagged eight Oscars, including two for our very own A.R. Rahman. Here’s his acceptance speech again …  Rahman has done India proud, not only winning two Oscars, but also performing parts of two songs and cracking more jokes than Hugh Jackman. Let's go to Ravi Ram, our correspondent in Hollywood, who is standing outside the Kodak Theatre. Ravi, one of the questions everyone in India is asking today is whether Rahman is going to pursue a career in stand-up comedy."

Ram: "Seema, I spoke to Rahman moments ago and he told me that he is not seriously considering stand-up comedy, but may give some tips to Russell Peters."

Saleem: "The man is truly amazing. Here’s his acceptance speech again …  He was part of a history-making night for India, with three Indians winning Oscars. And Ravi, I hear there was even more history made last night.”

Ram: "Yes, Seema, there definitely was. I have consulted with an Academy Awards historian and verified that when Rahman gave his acceptance speech, it was the first time Tamil was ever spoken at the Oscars. I have also verified that when Resul Pookutty was nominated for his award in sound mixing, it was the first time someone had ever said 'Pookutty' at the Oscars."

Saleem: “A great night of history indeed. Here’s Rahman’s acceptance speech again …  Ravi, this might just be the beginning of Rahman’s relationship with Hollywood.”

Ram: “Yes, Seema, the rumor here is that Hollywood is going to make a play for him.”

Saleem: “Will it be a musical?”

Ram: “No, what I mean is, they are going to try to grab him from India. In fact, one Hollywood producer said to me, 'You give us Rahman, we'll give you Shyamalan.'"

Saleem: "Rahman for Shyamalan? I can already see the protests. Let's go to Madhu Mahadevan, our correspondent in Chennai, for more on this developing story. Madhu, what are people saying about the possibility of Rahman going to Hollywood?"

Mahadevan: "People are not at all happy about that. I just spoke to a group of young fans who said that Rahman has a bright future here and that his Slumdog success, as well as his other movie work, has earned him the right to spend the rest of his life as Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu."

Dear Anu Lentils: Advice for the second generation

DEAR ANU: I'm tired of the dating scene and have decided that I'd like to have an arranged  marriage, but my parents insist that I have a love marriage. They don't want me to end up like them. "A love marriage may not last, but at least you will be happy for a short time," my father said. "With an arranged marriage, you may be unhappy forever."

I cried and pleaded with them to arrange my marriage. Finally, my mother said, "Okay, then. We will arrange a love marriage for you." They want to arrange it with the son of my father's dentist. They want me to date him for six months and try my best to fall in love with him. "He is a good boy," my mother said. "He will not expect you to sleep with him on the first date."

I just about screamed when I heard that. "I'm saving myself for the right man!" I said. My father, who happens to be a banker, smiled and nodded his head. "Saving is good," he said. "But boys these days, before making any investments, they like to do some checking."

Please help me! I don't know what to do. -- SoConfused in SoCal

DEAR SO CONFUSED: Yours is a common complaint I've been getting from the younger generation. Many parents aren't totally happy with their arranged marriages and want something better for their children. But the children have been through the dating process and want something better for themselves, something that doesn’t involve being dumped.

I think the idea of arranging a love marriage is a good one, but so is falling in love with an arranged marriage. The important thing is to end up with the right person, someone who will love and cherish you, someone who's interested in a long-term investment, rather than a quick withdrawal.

Two $10 discounts you may or may not want

If you live in Tucson, Arizona, and subscribe to Comcast Cable's standard-definition feed, you were either steaming or beaming during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, depending on whether or not you liked the 30-second porn clip that interrupted the football game.

Thousands of Comcast's Tucson-area customers who were watching its standard-definition feed during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl on Feb. 1 were subjected to a 30-second clip from a pay-per-view porn channel.

The clip, which included full male nudity, was the result of a malicious act, Comcast said last week. [Link]

The company has asked the FBI for help in finding the culprit. It's also offering a $10 discount to affected customers. That doesn't seem like much at all, especially to compensate all those men who just found out they have a lot to compensate for.

Wife: "My God! Have you ever seen anything that long?"

Husband: "Pipe down, honey. You know that all football games are this long."

Some folks may have wanted to see more than just 30 seconds. And here's some good news for them:

Adult entertainment production company Pink Visual is offering local Comcast customers a $10 coupon to allow them to finish viewing the porn that interrupted the Super Bowl last Sunday.

“We feel really bad for the customers that were just getting into it when Comcast rudely switched back to the football game before the clip could really get going,” Kim Kysar, a spokeswoman for the company, said in a news release. [Link]

A $10 coupon? That doesn't seem like much at all, especially to compensate all those men who were on the edge of their seats, dying to see if anyone would score.

Bobby Jindal will change the world

Do you like lists? I love 'em. My favorites include "100 things to do before you die," "50 ways to lose your blubber," and "25 ways to hide your bald spot." (No, I don't have a bald spot. I have a bald zip code.)

I just found another list. It's called "Ten people who could change the world" and -- surprise, surprise -- Bobby Jindal is on it. The man never ceases to amaze me. I mean, he's destined to change the world, whereas I have enough trouble changing my little son's diaper.

The list appeared in the British magazine New Statesman, along with a profile of the Louisiana governor and future president.

Bobby Jindal talks too fast. That, both admirers and detractors agree, is the most noticeable flaw in the impressive presentation he offers as the first Indian-American governor and perhaps the best prospect for revitalising a Republican Party that has just started its tour of the wilderness ... [Link]

Come on, guys. He doesn't talk too fast. You just need to brush up on your Punjabi. You do know that he isn't always speaking English, don't you?

The man is brilliant. He speaks Punjabi, Hindi, Telugu, Tamil, Malayalam, French, Spanish, Arabic, Swahili and Xhosa, to name just a few. He'll be the first U.S. president who can talk to foreign leaders in their native tongues. That would be a stark contrast from the last Republican president, who could barely talk to foreign leaders in his native tongue.

His rush of words is likely linked to the rush of his ambition, and his ambition - at 37, just two years above the minimum to be president - appears beyond restraint. He began his assimilation aged four, when he announced to his parents, a civil engineer and state official who moved from the Punjab to Louisiana before their son was born, that he wanted to be called "Bobby", after a character in the 1970s sitcom The Brady Bunch, rather than his given name, Piyush. [Link]

You hear that? Bobby began his assimilation at age 4! The only thing I was assimilating at age 4 was payasam. Changing my name was the farthest thing from my mind. I was focusing on more exciting things, such as climbing the tree in the front yard, bouncing a ball off the neighbor's wall, and pulling my sister's hair.

Give yourself an edge in the job market

These are tough economic times in America and elsewhere. If you're like me, you're saving money any way you can. I've cancelled my cable, invested in a good pair of binoculars and started watching my neighbor’s TV. Desperate times call for desperate  measures.

In this harsh economic climate, it's important to have a job, any job. But finding a job isn't easy, especially since so many companies are giving their employees –- even the male ones –- pink slips. Competition for jobs is so intense that chess champ Vishwanathan Anand has been flooded with applications, all because someone wrote that he has “good openings.”

With all the competition, it's vital for job seekers to give themselves an edge. That's why I've decided to offer a few tips to help people stand out from the crowd. Some of these tips may seem obvious, but, trust me, they're often overlooked.

Tip #1: Learn to speak English. When the economy was strong, some folks were able to find decent jobs in America by knowing just three words of English: "Me want job." Others, realizing the importance of grammar, tried a little harder: "Me wants job."

These days, three words of English aren't enough to secure a job in any
part of America outside Miami. Job seekers must learn at least six words, particularly these six: "Would you like fries with that?"

They may seem like easy words, but some immigrants really struggle with them. A few have been fired from fast-food restaurants for repeatedly asking customers, "Would you like flies with that?"

The restaurants, as you can imagine, received many customer complaints, such as the one from a West Virginia man who threw his meal at the manager, shouting: “I thought I was getting flies with my burger, not fries."

Tip #2: Go easy on the tattoos and body piercing. Two or three are OK, but when your entire body is green, the only people you’re likely to impress are environmentalists. Well, perhaps a few others too, but they probably won’t offer you a job, unless one of them is a farmer and, with planting season coming around, needs another scarecrow.

(Yes, I know: some tattoos are works of art. In fact, Leonardo Da Vinci first tattooed the Mona Lisa on a friend's backside. Unfortunately nipple rings weren’t common in those days, so he couldn’t hang his friend in a gallery.)

Doctoring the documents like never before

India has a reputation for producing a lot of doctors, but it may also be gaining a reputation for producing a lot of doctoring. The fake-document industry appears to be flourishing like never before, which makes you wonder how many of those doctors have doctorates that were doctored. Not many, I believe, but every now and then, a fraudulent doctor is busted, perhaps after giving a patient reason to doubt his medical knowledge.

Patient: "Doctor, my angina is killing me. Please help me!"

Doctor: "Okay, lie back and spread your legs."

A Bangladeshi man named Golam Kibria was recently fined for practicing medicine with no real  qualifications -- unless you count that high school certificate.

After interrogation, Kibria confessed holding no medical qualifications. He said he began his career as an employee at a pharmacy in Kushtia in 1991. Since he wanted 'to become a doctor', in 2003 he went to India and bought MBBS and MD (Doctor of Medicine) certificates at a cost of Tk 12,000 from a network of people there who specialise in sale of 'fake' certificates of different colleges and universities. [Link]

Only Tk 12,000 ($175) for a pair of medical degrees? Wow, I wonder if I can finally make my mother's dream come true. Don't worry: I'm not planning on practicing medicine -- just practicing being a good son.

Imagine how pleased my mom would be to display my MD certificate on her bedroom wall, right next to my PhD from Harvard and MBA from Wharton.

MySpace removes 90,000 sex offenders? MyWord!

Sometimes you read some news that just makes you shake your head.

About 90,000 sex offenders have been identified and removed from the social networking Web site MySpace, company and law enforcement officials said Tuesday.

The number was nearly double what MySpace officials originally estimated last year, said North Carolina Attorney General Roy Cooper, who along with Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal has led efforts to make social networking Web sites safer for young users.

Cooper said he wasn't surprised by the updated numbers, and demanded that MySpace and rival online networking site Facebook — which claim to have more than 280 million users combined — do more to protect children and teenagers.

"These sites were created for young people to communicate with each other. Predators are going to troll in these areas where they know children are going to be," Cooper said. "That's why these social networking sites have the responsibility to make their sites safe for children." [Link]

I knew there were sex offenders on MySpace, but I didn't realize they were having some sort of conference there.

90,000 -- I'm still shaking my head at that number. I didn't realize America had that many sex offenders who know how to use a computer.

My kids are too young for the Internet, but when they're a little older, I'm going to make sure they're extra careful about whom they communicate with. By then, of course, MySpace and Facebook will have merged to form MyFace. And you'll be able to scare off a sex offender with something called MyMace. But just in case, I'm going to give my kids a few rules:

1. Do not accept friend requests from anyone who does not have an FBI clearance and a pre-approved certificate from me.

2. Do not accept an invitation from someone you haven't met, even that cute 15-year-old named Candy, who might turn out to be a not-so-cute 50-year-old named Andy.

3. Do not post 10,000 photos of yourself on the Internet, especially photos that show any part of your body below your eyebrows.

4. Do not join the "teen girls are the best" group. It's not what you think.

5. Do not give anyone our home address, even if they promise to send you a box of chocolates. You can do without chocolates -- and the same goes for Candy.

Fake passports get Jet Airways in trouble

Jet Airways, one of India's largest airlines, has been given a warning: do a better job catching people traveling on fake passports or you might not be able to travel yourself. Travel to Canada, that is.

Agents for Citizenship and Immigration Canada and the Canada Border Service Agency have discovered dozens of Jet Airways passengers arriving at Toronto's Pearson International Airport with fake travel documents in recent months, five sources familiar with the matter told the Star.

After pressure from Canadian officials, Jet has reassigned responsibility for passenger security checks to its security division from its customer service department.

"We want to root out this menace as much as anyone," said Ragini Chopra, a Jet spokesperson. [Link]

Compared to the customer service department, the security division may do a better job of detecting fake passports. But they may also do a better job of detecting money inside them.

In most cases, a person with an extensive international travel history applied for and received a legitimate Canadian visa.

The photo page of their Indian passport was then replaced with a doctored one and used by a different person. [Link]

Whether it's patients or documents, Indians are good at being doctors. Just don't take a closer look at that medical degree.

Yes, Indians are experts at doctoring. How else do you think I'm a citizen of ten countries?

Passengers involved in the scam have applied for refugee status after their arrival in Toronto, and remain in Canada.

Under Canadian immigration law, most people who arrive at a port of entry are entitled to make a claim for refugee status.

Investigators involved in rooting out the scam said reservations for Canadian hotels were made over the Internet and a printout was produced to show border agents in Toronto.

"The hotels were a good tipoff," one immigration investigator told the Star. "The reservations were all at hotels on the airport strip in Mississauga.

"If you're spending all that money to travel around the world and come to Canada in November, why would you book a reservation for two weeks on the airport strip?" [Link]

Well, maybe you got a little excited when you saw the word "strip."

I'm glad that Canada allows such people to apply for refugee status. Better to give everyone a fair hearing than to summarily kick them out. Most commenters on The Toronto Star's website, however, want to see the boot meeting the butt:

No questions asked, send them back.

Without wasting a single moment illegals should be sent back upon their arrival in Canadia. Such individuals also bring a bad name to the people of their own country who are living here by legal means.

And while we're it, we should kick out anyone who doesn't know how to spell 'Canada.'

College students have it tough these days

I went to college back in the Stone Age -- we didn't have cable TV in dormitory rooms at Messiah College, just in the main lounge. So what did my brother-in-law, Santosh, and I do? We ran a cable from our room to the lounge illegally, of course. It was great to watch all those channels in our room, but not so great to be called into the dean's office.

Times sure have changed. Just check out the new luxury rooms at Purdue University, my wife Malathi's alma mater in Indiana.

The $52 million First Street Towers, parts of which will open this fall, includes 365 single-occupant rooms with private bathrooms, flat-screen televisions, wireless Internet, free laundry facilities and cleaning services.

The price starts at $13,800 for the academic year, and all available rooms were filled by Thursday, less than two days after open registration began.

"Our architects designed this so it is a comfortable residence hall," said Tom Paczolt, the hall's general manager. "But they tried so it didn't feel like a residence hall. We wanted to have an apartment feeling." [Link]

An apartment feeling? Are you sure you weren't going for a "penthouse feeling"?  (No, I don't mean the feeling you get when you open the magazine.)

I'm not surprised that, even in this tough economy, there's a huge demand for these SBRs (spoiled brat rooms). I also won't be surprised if some of the new occupants complain about their rooms during orientation:

Dad: "What a nice room, Stewart!"

Stewart: "What the %$@#!"

Dad: "What's wrong, Stewart?"

Stewart: "The TV. It's not high-def! How am I supposed to watch the Colts on a flat-screen?"

Dad: "Why don't you buy yourself a high-def TV? Here, I'll write you a check for $1,000. Will that be enough?"

Stewart: "Can you make it $4,000? I'd like to get a satellite dish and a hot tub, too."

Dad: "Okay, son. Just make sure you study hard this year, all right?"

Get yourself a bite of raccoon

Raccoons have been known to bite people. Two years ago, for example, a Brooklyn woman was attacked by one. A Pennsylvania woman was also bitten by a raccoon in 2006, as was a student in New Jersey last year. But none of these victims suffered as much as the Russian man who had too much to drink and apparently mistook a raccoon for a ... well ... beaver.

Russian doctors are trying to restore a Moscow man’s manhood after an angry raccoon bit off his penis as he was trying to rape the animal.

Alexander Kirilow told surgeons he thought he’d “have some fun” when he saw the raccoon during a drunken weekend with pals, according to the Sun.

The feisty animal wasn’t going to have any of it and turned on the man, biting off part of his penis in retaliation.

Doctor’s told the 44-year-old they could restore the function of what’s left of his member, but they couldn’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off. [Link]

Penis is apparently a delicacy -- and not just among the Chinese.

You can forgive this raccoon for biting the man -- it was acting in self-defense. The vast majority of raccoons do not bite humans unless provoked. Humans, on the hand, are quite eager to bite raccoons. Some humans, anyway.