Nshima & Curry

UPS driver having too much fun

We don't know his name, but there's apparently a UPS driver in California who's having a little too much fun on the job. No, he's not opening all the Victoria's Secret packages and trying on the lingerie inside the brown van. He's making up nasty names for his customers. Well, at least one of them.

Balbir Singh, a turbaned Sikh, signed for a package for his son Anant, who was at work at the time. He didn't think the incident was terribly remarkable, describing it as "business as usual."

"I came and opened the door. He gave me the package and I signed. No other talking. Nothing," Singh, said.

A few days later, his son, Anant was expecting another package so he logged onto the UPS delivery tracking website to check on its status. He accidentally entered the tracking number of the package his father had signed for earlier in the week; that was when he found the derogatory term marked in the "signed by" portion of the tracking slip.

"I was amazed," Anant recounted, "I printed the paper and read it again, and it said signed by a "'terrorist.'" [Link]

If the UPS driver actually believed that Balbir Singh was a terrorist, then he ought to be taken to court. Isn't there a federal law against delivering packages to terrorists?

The Singh family has lived in Bakersfield for many years and are disgusted with insensitivity of the comment, deeming it "totally uncalled for."

"All of my community who wears a turban and belongs to the Sikh faith are not terrorists," Anant stated, "We are a peace-loving people and are part of the community."

Anant's father, Blbar Sing responded by saying, "Terrorist is a bad word. People should be educated. Sikh's are not terrorists, not every Muslim is a terrorist." [Link]

I think Balbir Singh (aka Blbar Sing) could have phrased that last line better. How about this: "The vast majority of Sikhs and Muslims are not terrorists, just as the vast majority of UPS drivers are not racist pigs."

Indians stealing standup comedy gigs

Sometimes you have to leave the comedy to the professional comedians. Or at least save it for your friends at the bar. Hopefully that's the lesson that Dallas Observer writer Jesse Hughey has learned. Hughey triggered a torrent of "I'm so offended" comments when he previewed a New Year's Eve comedy show featuring Indian-Americans Raj Sharma and Paul Varghese:

First it was the Hispanics taking all the good bricklayer and busboy jobs. Now the Indians are coming to America and stealing our standup comedy gigs. Is being a standup comic one of those jobs that nobody else will do? Is UTD offering a comedy class? Or are they coming here after honing their routines on Microsoft tech-support customers? [Link]

UTD, by the way, stands for University of Texas at Dallas, not urinary tract disease.

It's obvious from the context that Hughey wasn't trying to be malicious; he was just trying to be funny. Unfortunately he failed. Miserably. So miserably that everyone in the audience heckled him. They shouted, "Hey Hughey, get off the stage! We're here for the Sharma-Varghese Show, not the Shameful Varmint Show."

Cops in Thailand: always smiling

If you visit Thailand during the first week of 2009, you'll be surprised to see that the highway cops are always wearing smiles. Yes, they wear them in the morning and take them off at night.

It is the latest version of the famous Thai smile - motorcycle policemen with a bright red goofy grin painted onto their white anti-pollution masks.

For the first week of the year - and longer if people seem to be smiling back - highway policemen in Thailand will wear the masks "to lift the mood of motorists," according to police officials.

"For our highway policemen, we have the policy that the police must be friendly and smiling all the time, but the problem is, when we're tired, it's hard to keep smiling," said Colonel Somyos Promnim, the Highway Police commander. [Link]

It's a brilliant idea, painting a smile on their faces. Just look at the man in the photo. He doesn't look intimidating at all, does he?

If this idea catches on, perhaps we can get all the flight attendants on Air India to wear smiles. They may not still give us "service with a smile," but at least we'd get half of it.

Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind wearing a smile like that myself. It would help me smile in places where smiling is almost impossible, such as the dentist's chair.

Me: "How do you like my new smile?"

Dentist: "Not bad, but I think we should straighten it a little. And perhaps whiten it too."

Me: "It's supposed to be like that."

Dentist: "Okay, suit yourself. But don't be surprised if someone mistakes you for a Thai policeman."

Report: Obama without power for 11 hours!

HONOLULU -- Reports that Barack Obama had lost power Friday night spread across the Internet faster than beach photos of Jennifer Aniston, sending millions of Democrats into a panic.

"He lost power? Didn't he just gain power?" asked a commenter on a liberal website.

"I didn't think he would have power until Jan. 20? What the (bleep) is going on?" wrote another commenter.

The news didn't seem to surprise Joe Robinson, an African-American blogger. "I knew they wouldn't give a black man power," he wrote. "I knew they would find a way to take it away from him!"

A CNN blogger made a few phone calls, then tried to relieve some of the Democratic fears with a post titled: "Obama has no power, but Biden does!"

Other headlines around the Internet included "No power for Obama," "Obama rendered powerless," and "Obama stripped of power while vacationing." The words "Obama stripped" soon became the most searched phrase on Google.

Democratic worries were allayed within a few hours when Honolulu Mayor Mufi Hannemann announced that Obama had a limited amount of power. "We're working hard to restore complete power to him," Hannemann said.

Power was fully restored to Obama at 6 a.m. the next morning. He had been without power for 11 hours.

"Thank God the ordeal is over!" said the Rev. James Walsh of Chicago United Methodist Church. "Now we can all stop praying and get some sleep."

Headlines around the Internet included "Obama back in power," "Power restored to Obama," and "U.S. coup attempt fails."

Santa brought gifts -- all the way from Jalandhar

My kids had a great Christmas, with some nice gifts, mostly from their Aunt and Uncle in Pennsylvania, but also from the man in the red suit, who came all the way from ... Jalandhar, India.

North Pole? No, not according to the funny clip below. It's from the 1998 Christmas Special of the short-lived BBC sketch show "Goodness Gracious Me," starring Sanjeev Bhaskar and Meera Syal. You can watch the entire special in five parts on YouTube. Also worth watching: "I'm a Punjabi Girl."

An exclusive interview with the shoe thrower

His name is Muntazer al-Zaidi and he’s the toast of the Middle East and many other parts of the world. Never before has anyone achieved so much acclaim for throwing a pair of shoes. He threw them at President Bush, of course, an act that he's somewhat embarrassed about, as I learned during an exclusive telephone interview.

Me: "Muntazer, thank you for taking my call."

Muntazer: "I did not know I could take calls. How much are you paying the prison warden?"

Me: "I'm giving him a pair of shoes."

Muntazer: "You can send them to me. I will deliver them for you."

Me: "No, thanks. I saw your last delivery."

Muntazer: "You are right, my friend. It was a bad delivery. A very bad delivery. I'm embarrassed about it."

Me: "People say you are a hero. Do you consider yourself a hero?”

Muntazer: "No, I am not a hero. I missed the target. It was a bad delivery. I should have thrown harder and lower. I did not practice enough."

Me: "You mean you practiced for this?"

Muntazer: "Of course I practiced. I spent many hours at the shoeing range."

Me: "Shoeing range? You mean there's a special place where you can practice throwing shoes?"

Muntazer: "Yes, we have many shoeing ranges here. They provide us with hundreds of shoes, as well as cardboard cutouts of President Bush."

Dr. Priya Narasimhan, the Steelers fan who may hurt her team

Women who watch sports have a special place in my heart, even if they watch it just to check out David Beckham's butt. I'm particularly enchanted with Dr. Priya Narasimhan -- and not just because, like me, she was born in Tamil Nadu, India, and grew up in Ndola, Zambia. A computer engineering professor at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Narasimhan is a football fan who is trying to use technology to improve the sport. Yes, she's developing a way for a referee or other official to use a remote control to shut Terrell Owens' mouth.

Actually, her technology would be more useful than even that. It would be able to tell, for example, whether the Pittsburgh Steelers really scored the winning touchdown against the Baltimore Ravens last Sunday or whether the referee needs a new prescription for his contacts. Of course, Narasimhan may not want the Steelers to be deprived of any touchdowns.

... Dr. Narasimhan, who grew up in India and Africa, found herself becoming a rabid Steelers fan after she moved to Pittsburgh seven years ago.

"When I moved here, I loved the people and their energy, and then I fell in love with football and I just started watching the Steelers and now, you can't get me out of the home on Sundays."

Impassioned as she was, she also found herself "throwing things at the TV many times when calls didn't go my way," and she began to wonder whether the wireless technology she was familiar with could help resolve some of those disputed decisions, as a further iteration of instant replay. [Link]

I wish the technology had been available on the evening of Feb. 5, 2006, when I found myself throwing everything but the kitchen sink at the TV. I was watching my favorite team, the Seattle Seahawks, play in the Super Bowl (finally) and face a few controversial calls, which contributed to their loss to the ... ahem ... Pittsburgh Steelers.

Column: What would you do with a 97-year-old fruitcake?

Around this time of year, Christmas cake or fruitcake can be found in almost every grocery store in North America -- and in many other parts of the world. Some people even go to the trouble of making it at home. "Fruitcake is like no other treat," a 78-year-old Chicago woman said. "I like to serve it to my guests at Christmas. And when they've left, I put it back in the box for next year."

Though I've often made jokes about it, I do buy fruitcake occasionally, especially when I'm trying to get my kids to eat something. "You'd better eat your vegetables," I say, "or I'll make you eat some fruitcake." It works like a charm.

The fruitcake does eventually get eaten. When you're hungry, you can't be too picky. At least that's what I say to the neighbor's dog.

I'm kidding, of course. I don't have to say anything to the dog. Like most dogs, he'll eat just about anything that looks remotely like food, which may explain why there’s a big hole in the fence. It comes in handy, of course. I throw the fruitcake through it. And he throws it back. Then he realizes it might be food, jumps through the hole and takes a bite. Then he pauses, looking at me suspiciously with an expression that says, “Are you sure this is food? It’s soft and chewy, but not quite as tasty as the fence.”

Truth be told, my wife and I do eat some fruitcake ourselves. We like to have it with our tea, whenever we want the kids to give us some time to ourselves. What's great about fruitcake is that it has a long shelf life. The fruitcake we've bought this year will be good until the year 2098. My great-grandchildren would be able to feed it to their dogs.

Climb trees, protect the Prime Minister

I climbed lots of trees when I was a kid, but I never got paid to do so, not even when the president or prime minister came to town. So I'm somewhat envious of the Indian teen-agers who were recently paid Rs.120 each to climb trees and look out for bad guys during a visit from Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. My parents were wrong: money does grow on trees.

"We have been asked to keep a close watch on any movement in the trees" said Jayanta Das, a student at Shantiniketan, near Calcutta, where Mr Singh was presiding over the convocation of the Visva Bharati University.

"We have also been instructed to shake the trees from time to time to ensure that all is fine," he added. [Link]

They were not just looking for bad guys, apparently. They were also looking for snakes. It would be quite an embarrassment for India if a snake fell out of a tree and bit the Prime Minister. Especially if the snake had made its way from Pakistan.

The latest example of India's chaotic and incompetent security measures comes 10 days after the devastating Mumbai terrorist strikes that claimed nearly 180 lives and led to accusations of security lapses. [Link]

Chaotic and incompetent? That seems really unfair, especially coming from a newspaper in Britain, where, last I heard, Prime MInister Gordon Brown puts himself at great risk, visiting towns and cities where trees have not been shaken.

Local police chief L N Meena defended using children to supplement the prime minister's security detail as there were far too many trees in the area and not enough policemen to man them.

"The area is full of trees, so to check them to see if there were any anti-social elements or anyone making mischief, we employed the youths" he said. [Link]

Makes a lot of sense to me. If only the police had hired me when I was a teen. Instead, just for climbing trees, I was accused of being an anti-social element making mischief.

Photo by Seema K K

Books I'd like to see

Salman Rushdie's novel "Midnight's Children" is considered one of the best books of the 20th century, but here's the novel I'd really like him to publish:

12 days of Christmas, Indian style

It's that time of year again and, even if you've seen Boymongoose's 12 days of Christmas a dozen times, as my wife and I have, it's worth seeing again.

Boymongoose, according to his website, is "an Indian Christmas Popstar who specialises in comedic remakes of all the classic Christmas Carols." He recently released a music video called Single Girls, which is funny, but not quite the classic that 12 days of Christmas is.

Also see: 12 days of Christmas, Curry Style

Column: Let's hope it wasn't India's 9/11

The terrorist attacks on Mumbai have been called "India's 9/11" by a number of media outlets. That scares me. If this was India's 9/11, does that mean that sometime in the future, America is going to have a 11/26? I hope not. I’ve looked at the statistics and, trust me, Americans are quite good at shooting each other. They don't need any help from foreigners.

What scares me even more is the war that might result from India’s 9/11. I mean, haven't the people of Iraq suffered enough? They really don't need another country invading them. It would be a shame if American troops left Iraq in 2009 and Indian troops replaced them in 2010. That might seem like a positive outcome for President Obama, but he’d have trouble convincing Americans that he wasn’t just taking outsourcing to a whole new level.

You might think it's ridiculous to believe that India would invade Iraq. But let’s face facts: Iraq was just as responsible for India's 9/11 as it was for America’s. So don’t be surprised if, sometime in 2011, Indian soldiers do what Americans did several years earlier: pull Saddam Hussein out of a hole and put him on trial. (Chances are, he’ll be a lot more cooperative this time.)