FunnyColumns

Report: Thousands of Indians suffer from BNS

DELHI -- In the aftermath of the Mumbai terrorist attacks, doctors around India have treated thousands of people suffering from a new ailment called BNS or 'Breaking News' Syndrome. It primarily affects viewers of CNN-IBN and NDTV, causing many of them to walk around in a dazed state, the words 'Breaking News' flashing across their eyes.

"They have been watching the news nonstop," said Dr. Vikas Bose of Bose Clinic. "Every few seconds, the words 'Breaking News' appear on the screen and eventually the words become embedded in their brains. It's like a soldier returning from war and being unable to see anything else but the terrible carnage."

Doctors at Apollo Hospital treated one man who kept rubbing his eyes, trying desperately to stop the two words from flashing. "We had to sedate him and then apply a topical ointment to his eyes," said Dr. Mahesh Das. "It seems to have worked, but the man is now rubbing his ears, saying that he keeps hearing Sagarika Ghose's voice."

The most unusual case was recorded in Calcutta, where a man named Gopalakrishnan complained that the word "breaking" was flashing in his left eye and "news" in his right eye. "I'm not sure how it happened," he said. "Perhaps I should not have been sitting so close to the TV."

A woman in Chennai reported that her husband woke up in the middle of the night screaming, "Breaking News! Breaking News! Breaking News!"

"I couldn't get him to stop," said the middle-aged woman, who requested anonymity. "I tried everything. Then finally my son suggested that I put CNN-IBN on. And do you know what my husband did? He got a brick and shattered the TV screen. I think he thought he was breaking the news!"

Report: Mumbai attacks test Pakistan's new ministry

ISLAMABAD -- The terrorist attacks on Mumbai have put the spotlight on a new ministry created by Pakistan Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gillani: the Ministry of Denial.

So far, the ministry has performed beyond expectations, according to a senior government official. "The Prime Minister is very happy," the official said. "The ministry issued 2,385 denials in the first 24 hours alone."

So efficient was the ministry that it issued the first denial five minutes before the attacks took place.

Asked how that was possible without foreknowledge, the government official said, "It is the time difference. We are 30 minutes ahead of Mumbai."

Denying responsibility for terrorist attacks in India has become such a regular task for Pakistani officials in recent years that Gillani decided in October to create the new ministry. The Mumbai attacks were the first major test for the ministry, which responded by not only faxing and emailing press releases to the media, but also creating a "Pakistan didn't do it" group on Facebook.

S.M. Qureshi, Minister of Denial, was also interviewed on CNN and other networks, wearing a cap that said, "No, we didn't."

He took exception to Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's statement that the attacks had originated outside the country. "The Indian government should not jump to any conclusions," Qureshi said. "And they should not run or walk to any conclusions either."

He said India should carry out a thorough investigation before pointing fingers at anyone. "We hope it will be good investigation," he said. "They should take their time and, whatever happens, not get any help from Scotland Yard."

Noting that a group called Deccan Mujahideen has claimed responsibility for the attacks, Qureshi said, "I urge all western journalists to look at the map. They will find out that Pakistan and Deccan are as far apart as Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston."

Experts say that the scale and sophistication of the attacks suggest that a group outside India may have co-ordinated them. "Our Mujahideen are not that sophisticated," Qureshi said. "All they know how to do is plant bombs and bomb plants. That's about it."

The Pirates and the Indians

The world is full of surprises. If you had told me a few months ago that two young men from India would soon sign professional baseball contracts in America, I would have said, "You're nuts! Please ask your doctor for some medication!" If you had told me that the two men would have never played in a real baseball game at any level before turning pro, I would have said, "Are you already taking some drugs?" If you had told me that the two men would have never even caught a ball with gloves before this year, I would have said, "On which street corner did you buy the drugs?"

As incredible as it may seem, we're soon going to have a Singh and a Patel playing professional baseball in America. Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, to be precise. The two men, both former javelin throwers, have signed free-agent contracts with the Pittsburgh Pirates. That means, of course, that India is going to have to stop attacking pirates and start cheering for them.

Singh and Patel came to the United States six months ago after being the top finishers in an Indian reality TV show called the “Million Dollar Arm” that drew about 30,000 contestants. The show sought to find athletes who could throw strikes at 85 miles per hour or faster. [Link]

Among 30,000 contestants, Singh and Patel were the only ones who didn't try to bowl the ball. Patel threw the ball at speeds exceeding 90 mph, faster than any Indian man threw objects at the TV during the last cricket World Cup.

Column: The principle of making Obama jokes

A school principal in La Vergne, Tennessee, recently wrote a humor column that poked fun at President-elect Obama and found himself in so much hot water, he decided that it would be wise, as well as efficient, to skip his weekly bath.

Stephen Lewis, principal of Rock Springs Elementary, has been writing a weekly humor column for The Murfreesboro Post for about two years. In fact, it would be accurate to say that he's the Post's principal humor columnist.

But he was virtually unknown outside his county until he wrote his post-election column, in which he did something rather original: created a parody of "The Jeffersons" theme song. In his version, Obama was "movin’ on up ... to a deee-luxe pimp pad," "jetting with P. Diddy" and "chewin’ on the government fat." Obama's supporters and others found it extremely offensive, naturally, that Lewis would even suggest that Obama hangs out with P. Diddy. (Never mind that 10-year-old Malia Obama wears a T-shirt that says "Daddy loves Diddy.")

P. Diddy, for those of you who don't know, is the stage name of a popular rap artist and should not be confused with Diddy P., the question I ask whenever I check my little son's diaper.

Stephen Lewis, the principal who makes you laugh

Whenever I get a note from the principal or assistant principal at my daughter Lekha's school, I cringe at some of the grammatical or punctuation errors. It reflects poorly on the school, I feel. If principals don't know how to write, they ought to get the English teacher to do it for them -- or at least that bright student in second grade. You know, the one who knows the difference between a coma and a comma.

It's too bad that Stephen Lewis, principal of Rock Springs Elementary in La Vergne, Tennessee, didn't consult the student. He might have decided to do some major editing to his recent humor column "Ode to President Obama," which appeared in the The Murfreesboro Post and drew so much criticism, Lewis sent an e-mail apology to parents, teachers, school board members and the "school system" (yes, he even apologized to the vending machine). I'll get to what he wrote about Obama in a moment, but here's what he wrote about Dr. Rishi K. Saxena, a Democrat who ran unsuccessfully for a seat in the Tennessee House of Representatives:

What about this fellow who ran for state representative, Dr. Rishi Saxena? I’m not sure where he’s from but I’m pretty sure it’s not Rutherford County. From what I read about him he has some very good ideas. My advice to him would be to work on perfecting his southern accent. I’m not talking about southern Bangladesh either. And if he can’t sound southern, he could at least throw in a few y’alls and a couple fixin’ to’s every once in a while. [Link]

Funny stuff, isn't it? I'm sure Saxena is laughing so hard, his stomach hurts. He has probably also designed a banner for the 2010 election.

Only in America

I was speaking to a friend about Barack Obama's victory, the once-unimaginable milestone of an African-American making it to the White House.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America."

I told him that Peru elected a man of Japanese descent as President in 1990, the first Latin American country to be ruled by a person of East Asian descent.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America and Peru."

I told him that India elected a woman as Prime minister as early as 1966 and is now ruled by a Sikh man, with a woman of Italian descent chairing the ruling party.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru and India."

I told him that Guyana elected a man of Chinese descent as president in 1970, making him the first ethnic Chinese president of a non-Asian country. Guyana also elected a woman as president in 1997.

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru, India and Guyana."

I told him that Pakistan elected a woman as Prime Minister in 1988, making her the first woman elected to lead a Muslim country. 

Shaking his head in amazement, he said, "Only in America, Peru, India, Guyana and Pakistan."

Report: Obama caught in India-Pakistan rivalry

DELHI -- U.S. President-elect Barack Obama may be making a smooth transition into the White House, but his foray into South Asian politics has been anything but smooth.

Indian officials were miffed that soon after winning the election Obama called 15 world leaders, including Pakistan's Asif Ali Zardari, but did not call Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. "Zardari but not Dr. Singh?" a baffled government official said. "That's like giving a kiss to the farmer's cat, but not the farmer's daughter."

Sources say that Singh sat beside his phone all day on Nov. 5, hoping to hear from Obama. He finally received a call from America the next day, but unfortunately it was someone offering  him a free cruise to the Caribbean.

Obama tried to rectify his error by calling Singh several days later. The leaders had a friendly chat and their relationship seemed to be on good footing. But behind the scenes, Indian officials expressed their displeasure.  "Mr. Obama spoke to Mr. Zardari for 20 minutes," said another official. "But he spoke to Dr. Singh for only 19 minutes 50 seconds."

Obama apparently failed to time his call and ended it a little too soon. "Ten seconds may not seem like a lot," the official said, "but that would have been enough time for Mr. Obama and Dr. Singh to review the accomplishments of the Bush Administration. They'd even have a few seconds left to discuss outsourcing."

Reached for comment, Obama adviser David Axelrod said the President-elect would make it a point to speak to Dr. Singh 10 seconds longer next time. "The President didn't mean to give Mr. Zardari more time," Axelrod said. "It's just that he can say 'India' a second faster than he says 'Pakistan.'"

Diego Maradona, a big "ceberity," to visit India

Argentine soccer legend Diego Maradona will be visiting India in December and one reporter was so excited, he wrote this:

The hero of Argentina's 1986 World Cup victory is also scheduled to visit Mother House, the global headquarters of Missionaries of Charity here, said Communist Party of India Marxist (CPI-M) Lok Sabha member Samik Lahiri.

'Maradona inked the deal to come to Kolkata when we called on him at his Buenos Aires residence Nov 1. He is keen to come to the city for promoting soccer and visiting the Missionaries of Charity,' said Lahiri, who hit upon the idea of inviting Maradona and roped in the Ceberity Mangement Group and real estate company Eden as joint organisers. [Link]

The reporter works for the Indo-Asian News Service (IANS), which means that there are now more than two dozen websites (and many more print publications) whose readers are saying to themselves, "I wonder if anyone can mange a big ceberity like Maradona."

If you're wondering whether the Delhi-based IANS has any copy editors, who do you think corrected what the reporter wrote: Cereblitee Maginemeant Grewp.

You know you're Indian when ...

... you wonder if 13-year-old Rohan will someday be a good match for one of your daughters.

Obama TV: All Obama, all the time

CHICAGO -- Talk show host Oprah Winfrey has announced a new venture for her company, Harpo Studios: Obama TV (OTV).

"Over the last year or so, I've noticed that America just cannot get enough of Barack Obama and his family, so I thought to myself, 'Why not have a 24-hour network that covers everything Obama?'" Winfrey said, speaking at a press conference in Chicago. "It's a historic time in America and many people have told me that they don't want to miss a single moment of it, except of course when the Oprah Winfrey Show is on."

Financial guru Mani Pundit predicted that OTV would turn Winfrey from a mere billionaire into a zillionaire. "It's a brilliant idea," Pundit said. "CNN's ratings shoot up every time they show anything about Obama. Why else would they have 10 analysts debating whether Obama uses Crest or Colgate?"

Harpo released a tentative daytime schedule for OTV, which will promote itself with the slogan "No drama, just Obama."

6 to 7 a.m. -- Fitness with Obama: Get in shape with a series of moves that the president is promoting, including belt-tightening, budget-stretching and figure-massaging. Just an hour a day will do wonders for your fiscal fitness.

7 to 9 a.m. -- Obama Today: A hard-hitting news show that will keep you informed on all the latest Obama news, including when the president woke up and what he had for breakfast. Regular features on the show include "Obama Agenda," "Eloquent Quote of the Day" and "Kenya Relative Report."

9 to 10 a.m. -- Meet the Dress: Fashion experts discuss the latest dress worn by Michelle Obama. Handbags, shoes and other accessories will also be critiqued. Viewers will have the opportunity to call in and suggest what the First Lady should wear the next day.

'Nobody' cares about the elderly

My 2-year-old son, Rahul, is still in diapers, which means that at least once a day, there's some heavy-duty wiping to do. Even when his mother is home from work, he insists that his stay-at-home Dad does the honors. It's his way of rewarding me, I suppose. Since I feed him during the day, taking care of the input, he doesn't want me to miss out on the output.

My 4-year-old daughter, Divya, often shows up to watch the diaper-changing, like a raccoon drawn to a foul smell. She doesn't just watch, of course. She has to offer some commentary, usually in the form of one word: "YUCK!"

Yuck is right. It can be pretty yucky, but all parents have to do it, except the ones who have nannies to handle it for them. I feel sorry for those parents. They'll never have the pleasure of saying to their grown children, "Don't talk to me like that! I used to change your diapers, you know! I used to wipe your butt!"

Nursing assistants who care for the elderly and disabled often have to change diapers too -- and I'm sure it's not a pleasant task. But it's part of their job and they know they're helping people.

Kenyans hope to benefit from Obama's leadership

NAIROBI, KENYA -- A group of Kenyan leaders have started a petition to persuade U.S. President-elect Barack Obama, whose father was Kenyan and who has many relatives in Kenya, to serve as Kenya's president at the same time.

"We heard that he plans to fix America's economy," said Joseph Wambui, president of an organization called KNOB (Kenya Needs Obama Badly). “We want him to fix Kenya’s economy too.”

Almost 50 percent of Kenyans live in poverty, many of them unable to afford basic necessities. "We heard that Obama is the leader of the free world,” said Elizabeth Mbaru, a mother of three. “But there is nothing free in the world. We don't have money to buy it."

Wambui believes that Obama would have no trouble governing Kenya from Washington D.C., especially in the Internet Age. “We are a small country,” Wambui said. “He will be in charge of 50 states, so why not 51?”

Obama is believed to have 1,432 relatives in Kenya, twice as many as he did before he won the election. According to Wambui, Obama can boost Kenya's economy simply by wiring money to all his relatives for Christmas. "That would be a small step," Wambui said. "But if he's our president, we hope he will think of each of us as his relatives."

Many of Obama's relatives plan to attend his inauguration on Jan. 20. “Yes, we will definitely come,” said Anthony Obama, a sixth cousin. “I heard he has a big house. The rooms are so big, we can play football in them."

Added James Obama, a ninth cousin: "Please tell Brother Obama that we are looking forward to travelling in Air Force One. I want a window seat.”

Obama is so popular in Kenya that the country declared a national holiday on Nov. 6 to celebrate his election victory. No other country did so, though French President Nicolas Sarkozy did permit government employees to bring champagne to work.

Obama's victory put Kenyans into such a good mood that the government issued a warning to all hospitals to expect a baby boom in nine months. Many of those babies will be named after Obama and his wife, Michelle. Numerous babies have already been named after the couple. A Mombasa woman named her twins "Barack Obama" and "Michelle Obama," saying the names were just perfect for her boys.

A woman in northern Kenya, hearing that Obama will be the 44th president of America, named her baby daughter "Forty Four," while a Nakuru couple named their baby son "Defeat McCain."

Oh Mama, it's President Obama!

As the results trickled in, the tears trickled down. Millions of faces glistened with tears on election night. There were tears of joy, as many Americans celebrated Barack Obama's historic victory; tears of sorrow, as many Americans lamented John McCain's loss; tears of gratitude, as many Americans got down on their knees and thanked God that the presidential race was finally over.

"No more negative ads, no more debates, no more promises they can't keep!" screamed a 40-year-old Detroit man, running into the street in jubilation. "And no more red and blue maps on TV!"

For African-Americans, especially those who had lived through the Civil Rights Era, it was a once-in-ten-lifetimes occasion, one that seemed unimaginable just a couple of years ago. "I don't believe it, I just don't believe it," said an 80-year-old Chicago man, rubbing his eyes. "A black man in the White House! And he's not carrying a broom!"

Column: There's something interesting in every Cabinet

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, recently announced his new cabinet, giving portfolios of all sorts to 38 people. The cabinet includes Bev Oda, Minister of International Co-operation (formerly known as the Minister of Peace and Goodwill), Rona Ambrose, Minister of Labor (formerly the Minister of Labor and Childbirth), and Jim Prentice, Minister of the Environment (formerly the Minister of Ice and Snow).

Stockwell Day is the Minister of International Trade, which explains why there's a sign inside the Canadian Superstore that says: "Thanks to Stockwell Day, it's a well-stocked day."

Also in the new cabinet are Peter Van Loan, Minister of Public Safety (it's important to keep the public safe) and Christian Paradis, Minister of Public Works (it's important to keep the public working). Van Loan, as you can guess from his name, was also under serious consideration for the position of Minister of Vehicle Rentals.

The cabinet has four ministers in charge of "affairs": Gregory Thompson, Minister of Veterans Affairs, Josee Verner, Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs, Lawrence Cannon, Minister of Foreign Affairs, and Chuck Strahl, Minister of Indian Affairs (yes, Indians have affairs too). Cannon's appointment is a significant one, because it's been more than 50 years since Canada used a Cannon to handle Foreign Affairs.

Also appointed to the cabinet are Lisa Raitt, Minister of Natural Resources, Gail Shea, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, and Helena Guergis, Minister of Backyard Pools. Actually, Guergis is Minister of State, Status of Women, a promotion from her previous position: Minister of State, Status of Babes and Honeys.

Cabinet positions vary considerably from one country to the next, as you can imagine. In India, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's Cabinet includes Lalu Prasad, Minister of Railways (also known as the Minister of Train Delays), Priya Ranjan Dasmunsi, Minister of Information and Broadcasting (also known as the Minister of Censorship), and Sis Ram Ola, Minister of Mines (also known as the Minister of Yours).