Nshima & Curry

New poll: McCain leads in 39 states

NEW YORK -- A new poll shows that John McCain leads Barack Obama in 39 states, but unfortunately for McCain, most of those states are outside America. In the Indian state of Gujarat, McCain holds a commanding 59-38 lead over Obama, thanks largely to an endorsement from Chief Minister Narendra Modi.

The poll, conducted by the right-leaning advocacy group, Global Think, and released less than a week before the presidential election, indicates that McCain enjoys pockets of popularity around the world. Though the vast majority of the 3,461 people polled can't vote in the Nov. 4 election, the results surprised political analysts, many of whom believed that Obama would be more popular than McCain in almost every country.

The McCain Campaign, searching desperately for any glimmer of hope that the Arizona senator can pull off an upset next Tuesday, touted the poll results as a sign that McCain was finally breaking through.

"Our message is reaching every corner of the world," said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds. "We believe that the good people of Pennsylvania and Ohio will support Senator McCain on Tuesday as strongly as people in Gujarat and Madhya Pradesh do."

In addition to the two Indian states, McCain enjoys strong support in China, Russia, North Korea, Turkmenistan and Antarctica.

The Obama campaign downplayed the poll results, accusing Global Think of deliberately surveying people in countries or states where McCain was likely to be popular. "There are 54 countries in Africa," Obama spokesman Bill Burton said, "but somehow the only one surveyed was Central African Republican. I mean, Republic."

While no Africa-wide polls have been conducted, the Kenyan newspaper, Daily Nation, surveyed 1,000 people in early October and found that 999 supported Obama. The sole McCain supporter was a man named Josiah Mbacho, who had once been involved in a fight over homebrewed beer with Obama's second cousin Suleiman Obama.

Mate wanted for a 36-year-old who's tall, dark and good-natured

Don't be surprised if you see this matrimonial ad on the Internet: "Mate wanted for a 36-year-old widower, 6 feet tall, dark-haired, bilingual and good-natured. Hobbies include bathing and searching for food. Please send photo and bio-data."

It's an ad that would probably get responses from women all over the world, but it's unlikely that any of them would be able to satisfy the poor widower, a fellow by the name of Polo. You see, Polo wants his mate to be hairy, extremely hairy. And you really can't blame him, for he happens to be a gorilla. And not just any gorilla, but India's only gorilla.

Even though Polo is 6 feet tall, dark-haired, bilingual and good-natured, the 36-year-old silverback gorilla is still single after a fruitless eight-year search.

"We have written to all major zoos in the world. We have tried everything," said Vijay Ranjan Singh, the director of the zoo in Mysore, a city in southern India about 525 miles southeast of Mumbai. [Link]

Have they really tried everything? I'll bet they haven't placed a matrimonial ad on the most popular matchmaking site for gorillas: www.PrimeMates.com

Polo is a western lowland gorilla, native to the forests of central Africa. Silverback gorillas — marked with a distinctive patch — are dominant males who usually live in family groups in the wild.

"He is not very happy. The few joys he enjoys are bathing and searching for food that his keeper hides in blocks of ice or in bamboo to keep him energized," Singh said.

For the prospective mate, Singh says Polo is good-natured and responds to commands in both the local Kannada language and English. [Link]

You hear that, ladies? Polo is quite a catch. It might be easy to find a man who's tall, dark and good-natured, but you'd have to search high and low to find one who "responds to commands."

So what are you waiting for? Rush to the nearest travel agent and buy yourself a ticket to Mysore. And try your best to impress Polo. Not sure how? Well, for starters, you might want to stop shaving your legs for a couple of weeks.

Column: The key to a happy marriage: hiring a private detective

When youngsters ask me for career advice, I tell them to drop whatever they're doing and become private detectives. They'd never run out of clients, especially if they specialize in marriage-related investigations (MRIs).

While the other kind of MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) helps you find out what's wrong with your body, this kind of MRI helps you find out what's wrong with your spouse.

It's increasingly common, in America and other western countries, for married people to hire private detectives to find out if their spouses are being unfaithful.

Detective: "Yes, Mrs. Spitzer, your husband is definitely cheating on you. I got word that he had booked a room at the Ritz-Carlton, so I rushed over there and, 15 minutes later, an attractive young blonde walked out wearing high heels, fishnet stockings and an inviting smile."

Mrs. Spitzer: "What about my husband? When did he leave?"

Detective: "I'm not sure. I went with the blonde into another room. I had to dust her for fingerprints."

In India, people are, seemingly, a little smarter. They hire the private detective BEFORE the wedding. Pre-wedding investigations are so common these days that a man isn't considered an eligible bachelor unless he has several detectives following him around.

Private detectives are usually hired to verify claims made by a prospective bride or groom or their parents. These claims often appear in matrimonial ads, which are sometimes so full of lies and exaggerations, they sound like political speeches. "If you choose me, your life will improve dramatically. Trust me, I am the best man for the job. I will be ready on Day One to satisfy you. I'll balance our budget (I have an MBA from Wharton), I'll improve our healthcare (I have an MD from Harvard) and I'll protect us from anyone who might try to harm us (I have a black belt from Lee's Gym). Forget about the other guys. They aren't as qualified as I am -- and they have too much experience. I've never even looked at a woman. I've been saving myself for you, waiting for you to walk into my life. I'm ready to sweep you off your feet. I'll entrance you like Hrithik Roshan, romance you like Shahrukh Khan, finance you like Mukesh Ambani."

Getting Romantic, the Nigerian way

Okay, I admit it. It's been a long time since I wrote anything romantic. My days of writing romatic poetry are long gone -- and my wife should be thankful for that, because my poetry was as impressive as Al Gore's dancing. These days, I just get my wife a card, one that expresses exactly how I'm feeling. So perhaps I shouldn't be too hard on all the Nigerians who are buying Femi Emmanuel's book "Touching the heart through unforgettable text messages (vol.2)." Thanks to him, here's what might happen:

Your mobile phone beeps, you have received a text message.

It begins: "I swear, I will make sure I give you HIV..."

...

"H is for Happiness and joy forever with an I: Incomparable love that will never V: Vanish until death do us part. I love you," the message concludes. [Link]

What do you think? Funny? Romantic? Both? Perhaps it works in Nigeria, but I don't think it would score high on the romance scale in North America, except perhaps with college students who've had a little too much to drink. I'm not really surprised where Emmanuel gets his inspiration.

"I was watching a Bollywood film and the main actor said to his female lead 'hey baby, I'm a crazy lover'," Mr Emmanuel told the BBC.

"I thought 'that's good,' I paused the DVD and copied down the subtitles."

The text message threatening HIV was inspired by watching a Nigerian film.

"In the film, a man threatened a woman with giving her HIV. I thought how could I turn this acronym into a message?"

"You could send the first sentence on its own," he says.

"You are putting them in suspense, to create fear, and then you follow up with the interpretation that will give them joy and happiness." [Link]

He must be doing something right -- he has sold thousands of copies of his books, bringing himself lots of joy and happiness. Perhaps it's just me who has lost touch with what's considered romantic. After all, check out these "romantic texts" that several BBC readers contributed:

My love for you is like Diarrhea, it flows like a river.
Salan, Dubai

A good friend is like a good bra. Hard to find, comfortable, supportive, prevents you from falling, holds you tight and is always close to your heart. You'll forever be my BRA!
Olawale B, London

u r the only mosquito in my net
Patrick, London [Link]

Perhaps I should try the BRA line on my wife. On second thought, I may never see hers again.

Manil Suri does a Bollywood dance

Manil Suri, mathematics professor and author of "The Death of Vishnu" and "The Age of Shiva," came out of the closet a while ago. Nothing wrong with that, but look at the outfit he brought with him.

I'd like to add this line to his bio: He can write better than any dancer; he can dance better than any writer.

Even more fun with matrimonial ads

Reading matrimonial ads can be so much fun. Just check out these excerpts from actual matrimonial ads on the Internet:

She doesn’t expect much: “You will be a well mannered, sophisticated, trendy, attractive, loving,  honest, loyal, genuine and sweet person who is understanding, respectful, intelligent, romantic, well spoken, has a good sense of humour and family orientated. You should also be homely as well as outgoing.” (Homely?)

He wants to make something absolutely clear: “Most importantly reply only and if you are serious enough to make things work if there is a chemistry as we all know beside reading about each other and what not all this requires tremendous amount of time and effort which now a days people are usually afraid to spend. So if you are one of them then we would be wasting time.”

She does nt want u: “No uncles plz/ you got to be between 24-28 not more thn that/guyz if u have no pic please don't reply. No dr. please/my family is everything to me, so if u r nt family oriented don't bother to reply/cz you gt to be mature, dnt expect from me to babysit u and please no dramas, if you want to just fool around stay away from my profile.”

You can be his other side: “I am a cool and cheerful guy, looking for my better half who has a good understanding capability and who is jolly natured. I enjoy my life and want from the other side too.”

He executes well: “Moving with people of different age groups and relating to them is a cakewalk for me. I am (or I would consider myself) quite certainly logical at any situation. And a recent finding on myself is that I am quite focussed and that has helped me improve the quality of my execution.”

He totally totals tea: “I am a very simple person, totally tea totaller. My hobbies include listening to music which include devotional music also, reading, watching T.V.”

Mumbai students clean up in more ways than one

On several occasions over the last few years, I've wished I had the power to fine people. I've particularly wanted to fine parents who don't bother to buckle their children into car seats, who put them at needless risk. I'd slap them with such a hefty fine, they'd have to take their unopened Miller Lites to a pawn shop.

I've also wanted to fine people who make too much noise when I'm trying to sleep. If I only had that power, there'd be not a single penny in my children's piggy bank.

If I lived in Mumbai, I'd love to do what about 2,000 student volunteers are doing -- fining people for littering. They've been deputized as clean-up marshals and -- here's the best part -- they get to pocket 20 percent of the fines they collect. What a ... well ... fine job.

Mukesh Shah, owner, Mukesh Paper Mart, Andheri (east), came to know of this initiative the hard way. He had been warned several times against dumping scrap and papers outside his shop but, on Sunday, he had to pay the price for his persistent refusal to mend his ways.

Kunal Kulkarni, in his early 20s, turned up at his shop and slapped a fine of Rs 500 for littering. "Please pay the fine," Kunal firmly told Shah.

Initially, Mukesh refused but realised he was in big trouble when Kulkarni was joined by eight other student-volunteers who together flashed their 'Clean-up Marshal' badges. They were backed by security personnel who had been appointed clean-up marshals by the BMC earlier this year. [Link]

Wow, they collect the fine on the spot. What an efficient program! Mukesh Shah will think twice about dumping scrap and papers outside his shop. He'll have to find another place to dump them.

A coconut vendor named Manikkam Nadar was fined for dumping "leftovers" around his stall and, along with Shah, got his photo in the Mumbai Mirror, with his head circled in red. I love this quote from him: "I always keep the place clean, but got caught this time." What an unlucky guy -- the one time he neglected to clean up, the darn marshals showed up.

"We needed to rope in youth for this campaign, as they are the future of this city. They are highly motivated and full of enthusiasm," says R A Rajeev, additional municipal commissioner, who is the brain behind Clean-Up Mumbai Campaign. [Link]

Yeah, I'd be highly motivated and full of enthusiasm too -- if I got to keep 20 percent. But seriously, it sounds like a great way to beautify the city, keep the students occupied and give a little support to whoever sells red ink to the Mumbai Mirror.

Jindal for president in 2012?

Is Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana planning to run for president? The domain squatters (or Republican strategists) seem to think so. They’ve registered not only www.BobbyJindal2012.com, but also www.BobbyJindal2016.com and www.BobbyJindal2020.com. Also taken are www.JindalforPresident.com and www.PresidentJindal.com.

And if you’re wondering what the presidential ticket might look like, just picture the two rising stars of the GOP running together. Yes, both www.JindalPalin.com and www.PalinJindal.com have been registered. (Try not to cringe picturing Jindal as Palin’s veep.)

With Barack Obama breaking barriers, an Indian-American in the White House may not be as far-fetched as it seemed just a year ago. So what are you waiting for ... www.PresidentBobbyJindal.com is still available and so is www.PresidentPiyush.com (but probably not for long).

If they're taken, you can always try www.IndianDudeInTheWhiteHouse.com. And if that doesn't suit you, you may strike gold with www.ImpeachJindal.com.

As for me, I have my eyes set on two domain names: www.WhiteHouseScoundrel.com and www.Arghhhh!.com

Signs I'd like to see

Remembering a good friend:

It's often a happy occasion:

Column: John McCain loses an important constituency

Senator John McCain spent much of the third and final presidential debate insisting that Senator Barack Obama's tax plan, unlike his, would hurt an Ohio man named "Joe the Plumber." But McCain suffered a major setback in his bid for the presidency when, moments after the debate, Joe the Plumber endorsed Obama.

"I don't approve of Senator Obama's tax plan," Joe the Plumber told the New York Times, "but I love the way he talks about it. He just expresses himself so well."

One political analyst called it a fatal blow for McCain's campaign, saying he'd be unable to recover from losing Joe the Plumber's vote. "It's over," proclaimed CNN analyst David Gergen. "It looks like Joe the Plumber has made sure that we'll soon see Joe the Vice President."

A Gallup/USA Today poll, taken right after the debate, found that 53 percent of likely voters plan to cast their ballots for Obama, 41 percent for McCain and the remaining 6 percent for Joe the Plumber. "It's unbelievable," Gergen said. "He's in third place and hasn't spent a dime. He's beating the pants off Ralph Nader."

Indian woman sets driving record

I would be remiss if I didn't recognize the achievement of my fellow Tamil Nadu native S. Poonkodi, who recently entered the Limca Book of Records, the Indian version of Guinness World Records.

Thirty-eight-year-old S Poonkodi drove a Maruti 800 with 49 persons on board in Tiruchirapalli in Tamil Nadu to enter the Limca Book of Records on Sunday. [Link]

A Maruti 800 normally seats four people, but thanks to Poonkodi, all those people in the photo got a ride. If you look closely, you can almost read their thoughts:

Man in light blue shirt: "This is wonderful. Who needs a bus?"

Man in blue jacket: "A little faster, please. I'm late for the board meeting."

Girl on top: "Get your hand off me, Pervert, or I'll push you off."

“The previous record was held by another person from Tamil Nadu, Giripakry, who drove a car with 42 persons on board in 1995,” said Theerthamalai a.k.a Jet Lee, 31, a karate master who encouraged Poonkodi to break that record. [Link]

Poonkodi absolutely shattered the record, taking it to the next multiple of seven. I'm glad that the record is staying in Tamil Nadu, something for me to brag about when my Punjabi friends are going on and on about Abhinav Bindra. 

Punjabi friend: "Abhinav blah blah blah blah ..."

Me: "S. Poonkodi blah blah blah blah ..."

Friend: "Poonkodi? Who cares about Poonkodi? Bindra won an Olympic gold medal."

Me: "She would have won one too -- if mass transit were an Olympic sport."

Column: An elevator ride that's lasted eight years

My wife and I just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and let me tell you, I haven't been this happy since my dentist announced his retirement. We made it past seven years! Our marriage didn't fall victim to the dreaded seven-year itch, which has broken up more relationships than Jack Daniel's and Johnnie Walker combined. (Trust me, it's not a good idea to combine them.)

Some of you, I know, have been married for more than 50 years and are obviously unimpressed. If you're a man, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years is no big deal. I've been married so long, I've spent a total of eight years just waiting for my wife to get out of the bathroom." If you're a woman, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years! That's how long it took my husband to figure out the hooks on my bra."

Well, here's a confession: I'm still trying to figure out a lot of things. For example:

1. When a woman looks at her wardrobe and complains that she has "nothing at all to wear," does she really expect her husband to be concerned about the prospect of her wearing nothing at all?

2. When a woman talks to you during a football game, is it better to just nod your head and pretend you're listening or say something polite such as, "I don't mind if you talk during the game, dear, but please don't expect me to take the cotton balls out of my ears."

3. In which of these situations is it reasonable to say 'no' to a woman? (a) When she asks you to go to a department store to pick up a feminine hygiene product; (b) when she enters a fitting room in a department store and asks you to hold her handbag; or (c) when she enters a fitting room and asks you to pick up a feminine hygiene product while holding her handbag.

The urologist who wasn't allowed to pee

This story is a couple of months old, but I just came across it and can't help sympathizing with Dr. Sivaprasad Madduri, the Missouri urologist who found himself on a plane with nowhere to go.

On June 26, 2008, I traveled from St Louis to Las Vegas to attend AAPI annual convention by Southwest flight 1226. Two hours into the flight, I tried to go to the bathroom ( I take a blood pressure medicine with diuretic that makes one 'go' more often). As I was sitting in row six, I walked to the front lavatory. The flight attendant, named Lora Lee Minton, abruptly stopped me and essentially shouted at me, "Go back! This bath room is occupied, and you cannot stand here."

Shocked and dumbfounded at this unfriendly behavior, I went back and sat in my seat. Two minutes later, I saw the lavatory door opening and I got up and walked towards the bath room again. The same flight attendant (Lora Lee Minton) screamed at me, "I told you not to go to that bathroom," and started pushing me into my seat. I was totally confused at this erratic behavior, and told her that I had been taking medicine and I had to go to the toilet. I even tried to walk past Ms.Minton as I was very uncomfortable.

"I told you not to go," she pushed me into my seat! I was lost. I flew many times but had never experienced a rude and unfriendly behavior like this. Confused and not knowing what to do, I went back and sat in my seat. I saw the pilot came out of the lavatory, walked into the cockpit and closed the door behind him. Later I could use the bathroom. [Link]

Poor guy. He wanted to pee badly, but not only was the bathroom occupied, the flight attendant was just plain rude. The least she could have done was offer him a cup.