FunnyColumns

Sarah Palin's emails revealed

WASHINGTON - Hackers broke into the Yahoo! e-mail account that Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin used for official business as Alaska's governor, revealing as evidence a few inconsequential personal messages she has received since John McCain selected her as his running mate. -- Associated Press

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Hi Honey,

I know you're very busy today, but I just have an important question: do I put the clothes in first or the detergent first? And is it okay to use the Spray ’n Wash on your Victoria's Secret thong?

Love you more than ice-fishing,

Todd

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Dear Governor Palin,

I know you've been brushing up on your foreign policy, but Senator McCain wanted me to give you a few pointers, so the media doesn’t trip you up.

1. Russia is currently at war with Georgia. Whenever you get an opportunity, please express your solidarity with Governor Sonny Purdue.

2. If someone asks you about your thoughts on Africa, just say "Mugabe" and shake your head.

3. Africa is not a country – it’s a continent. Africa consists of a number of countries, such as South Africa, North Africa and West Africa.

4. People in Iran are known as Iranians, but people in Iraq are not Iraqians. They are “civilian casualties.”

6. People in Thailand speak Thai, but people in Iceland do not speak Ice. They speak Icelandian.

7. The president of Iran is Ahmadinejad. The preferred pronunciation is A-MAD-INJURER.

8. Libya has had only three leaders over the past 40 years: Gaddafi, Khadhafi and Qadhafi. The current leader is Qadhafi. His successor is expected to be Cadarfi.

9. People from Europe are not called Euros. They are called Europeans, a Greek term that, literally translated, means “slave to the Euro.”

10. Israel is our best friend. Please don’t tell Britain.

Hope that helps.

Ross McSwain

I'm Amy Walker and I'm good at accents

If you live at YouTube, as many people do, you've probably seen Amy Walker's great video, in which the actress, writer, singer, dancer, surgeon and lawyer does 21 accents.

Quite impressive, no? I've played it several times at home and now my 2-year-old son is walking around saying, "I'm Amy Walker ..."

Walker has focused on western accents, but if you're dying to hear a few Asian ones, 14-year-old Varun comes to the rescue. His Chinese and Japanese accents need some work (he's got a few years to practice before he opens for Russell Peters), but you'll love his Indian accent.

Protesters called names at Republican Convention

ST. PAUL, Minn. -- John McCain's acceptance speech Thursday night at the Republican National Convention was interrupted a few times by protesters, including one obviously unemployed man holding a sign that said, "You can't win with an occupation."

As the protesters shouted, the crowd tried to drown out their words with chants of "USA, USA!" At least that's how it appeared to the television audience. But one delegate has admitted that he and his friends weren't being patriotic at all.

"People thought we were chanting, 'USA, USA!'" said John Melnick of Philadelphia. "But we were actually yelling, 'You assh---! You assh---!' We weren't happy with those protesters."

The three protesters -- one man and two women -- were promptly escorted out of the hall by security officers, but not before one of them hurled the ultimate insult at McCain: "You're just like Bush!"

McCain smiled and said to his supporters, "My friends, my dear friends ... please, please don't be diverted by the ground noise and the static," showing his many years of experience being interviewed on public radio.

Reporters tried to ask McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds about the protests, but Bounds put his fingers in his ears and chanted, "USA! USA! USA!"

Lie detector beeps continuously during political speeches

SAN FRANCISCO -- Technology is a good thing, but not when it keeps you from enjoying one of your passions. Just ask Arun Ramachandran, a technology whiz from India who enjoys politics. Combining his interests, he developed a special political lie detector (PLD) that beeps every time a politician tells a lie.

"I tried to sit down and enjoy the Republican National Convention, but the PLD kept beeping like there was a truck outside backing up," Ramachandran said. "Finally, my wife told me to turn it off. We were unable to enjoy any of the speeches."

Ramachandran's device is connected to a computer and scours the Internet for information that supports or contradicts a politician's statements. "Every home should have one of these," Ramachandran said. "But I'll first have to develop a PLD that just vibrates, because many wives are not going to put up with all the beeping."

When he developed the device, Ramachandran thought it would beep just once or twice during a political speech, but found that it was "as sensitive as a nun." He has since added a sensitivity setting. Users can adjust it to detect lies in four categories: (1) exaggerations; (2) fibs; (3) falsehoods; (4) total and utter BS.

"When it detects a Category 4 lie, as it did when Mike Huckabee said that Sarah Palin 'got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States,' it doesn't just beep," Ramachandran said, "it also screams 'Liar, liar, your pants are on fire.'"

Indeed, as Jim Kuhnhenn of the Associated Press wrote: "Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries."

The PLD also beeped loudly when Palin said, "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

"I'm going to have to adjust the PLD, because it considered Palin's statement a Category 3 lie," Ramachandran said. "But as we all know, it was total and utter BS."

The PLD also beeped during the Democratic National Convention, detecting a Category 4 lie when Barack Obama said that John McCain would not lower taxes for 100 million Americans while he would cut taxes for "95 percent of working families."

Said Ramachandran: "Whether it's a Republican speaking or a Democrat speaking, one thing is clear: you're going to hear a lot of BS."

Column: Walking to the White House with the senior vote

It's a Friday evening and the cafeteria at Bethel County Retirement Home in Alaska is noisier than usual, as residents discuss the big news of the day. The two ladies seated in the corner, who often spend meal times grumbling about the lumpy gravy or unmashed potatoes, find themselves drawn into the excitement.

"Did you hear the news?"

"Of course I heard the news, Esther. I'm old, but I'm not deaf. I still can't believe it. Our governor, heading to the White House."

"Not the White House, Mildred. The other house. I dunno what it's called, but I'm sure it's big. Dick Cheney lives there, you know."

"Dick who?"

"Cheney. You know, the guy who shot his friend while hunting."

"Oh, that fella. Is Sarah Palin going to be safe, moving in with him?"

"She's not moving in with him. He's going to move out first."

"Oh, that's a relief. I was starting to wonder whether it was worth it for her to be president."

"Vice-president, Mildred. The only way she'd become president is if John McCain ... you know ... croaks."

"John who?"

"McCain. You know, the guy who's old enough to move here with us."