FunnyColumns

McCain shocks America with running mate choice

DAYTON, OHIO -- In a move that stunned political experts, Republican presidential candidate John McCain announced Friday morning that he had chosen Sarah Polley as his running mate. The announcement sent shock waves through America, as politicians and others turned to their colleagues and said, "Who the $%#@ is that?"

Many were soon googling the name "Sarah Polley" and reading her Wikipedia page. They were surprised to learn that Polley is an actress and director with hardly any political experience. Even more stunning was the fact that Polley is a Canadian. Millions of people turned to Google again, asking, "Can a Canadian become vice president of America?"

As political experts debated on CNN whether McCain was trying to strengthen ties with America's northern neighbor, McCain issued a retraction, saying he had meant to say "Sarah Palin," not "Sarah Polley." Palin is the Republican governor of Alaska.

"It was an easy mistake to make," McCain said. "Their names sound alike and they've both got experience freezing their butts up north."

The choice of Palin sent more shock waves through America, as politicians and others turned to their colleagues and said, "Who the $%#@ is that?"

McCain had been considering such political veterans as Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, but said he wanted to pick someone who would give him an edge over Barack Obama, someone who was "younger and cuter."

Picking a female running mate may help McCain lure Hillary Clinton's supporters, many of whom have been slow to commit to Obama. "Of course, I want support from female voters," McCain said. "But that's not why I chose Sarah Polley. I mean, Pollen. No, hang on a minute ... let me double-check the name and get back to you."

Meanwhile, Polley said she had been "thrilled to bits" when she heard from news reporters that McCain had picked her, only to be let down a couple of hours later.

"It's disheartening," she said. "But it isn't the first time I've lost a role that I thought I had."

Column: The speech that left them speechless

What a fabulous speech Barack Obama gave at the Democratic National Convention in Denver, Colorado. It was so good that Bill Clinton turned to his wife, Hillary, and said, “What do you think, honey? Wasn’t that the best speech you’ve ever heard that I didn’t give?”

“It was a great speech,” Hillary replied. “Almost as great as the one I would have given.”

Decades from now, people will still be raving about Obama’s speech, not just die-hard Democrats but also the die-easy ones. Many will wish they could have been at the convention in Denver to witness history. Never before have so many people, not sitting on a Chicago street, held signs asking for “Change.”

History was also made, of course, when Obama became the first African-American to accept the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination, saying, “With profound gratitude and great humility, I thank Hillary Rodham Clinton once again. She is a champion of working Americans and an inspiration to my daughters and yours, showing them that with hard work and determination, they too can finish second.”

Obama was quick to attack his Republican opponent, John McCain, branding a McCain presidency as an extension of George W. Bush’s eight years in office. “On November 4, we must stand up and say: ‘Eight is enough,’” Obama said, borrowing the title of a popular 1970s television series to appeal to older voters.  “We must ‘Get Smart’ and climb aboard ‘The Love Boat’ for some ‘Good Times’ and ‘Happy Days.’”

Too much curryism in the world

Are you a curryist? Have you ever been accused of curryism? I hope not, because, as the name of this blog indicates, I'm a curry connoisseur. I'm a card-carrying member of the curry club. And I can't stand curryism. I don't care whether it's directed against me or any other of my curry-munching brethren. Curry fumes shoot out of my nostrils when I read stuff like this:

India-West reporter Sunita Sohrabji writes that a housing discrimination lawsuit in California has been settled for $100,000. According to the non-Indian plaintiffs, Indian tenants were allegedly steered away from better apartments because the owner of the Sunnyvale apartment complex felt Indian cooking "stinks up the place." [SAJAForum]

That's curryfying! There's no excuse for such curryism. The judge should have ordered the property owner and manager to take courses in cultural differences and ethnic cooking, and make sure they have mastered the curryculum.

Curryism is a major problem in the world. Too many people are getting a little curried away.

I just bought a house from a Chinese lady. My neighbour is an Indian and she is very friendly.
I didn't know she likes to cook potent curry till I moved in. Every morning when I wake up, I open the window to nice greenery and sunshine, and when I take a deep breath, I smell nothing but potent oily curry smell. I spend like 50k renovating my new house and now I having second thoughts about staying there. Help! How can I prevent the curry smell from my neighbour from drifting over? [Post by Tommy]

Tommy: "Help! Somebody please help me!"

911 Operator: "What's the trouble?"

Tommy: "It's my neighbor! She's attacking me with curry!"

911 Operator: "Is she pouring it on you? Is it steaming hot?"

Tommy: "No, she's forcing me to smell it. It's oily and potent!"

911 Operator: "I'll send someone right over. ... OPC attack at 44 Broadway! OPC attack at 44 Broadway!"

Ambulance driver: "Another OPC attack!"

Paramedic: "It's crazy, isn't it? We really need to do something about these oily potent curries."

Tommy: "Please hurry! I'm dying of curry!"

Photo by phdstudent

Column: The Olympics give us reason to hope

If you're like most people, you didn't watch enough of the Beijing Olympics, partly because there were just too many events happening at the same time and partly because, having a full-time job, you had to spend a little time every morning coughing into the phone.

Considering everything that happened at the Olympics, I probably watched only one percent of the action. I completely missed the badminton and table tennis competition -- they must have been on TV while I was asleep -- and I caught only a little of the rhythmic dancing (Usain Bolt sure knows how to shake it). But I did watch quite a bit of the Jamaican sprint events, as well as the tiny tot gymnastics and the always-popular bikini show (disguised brilliantly as beach volleyball). And I got a thrill out of watching swimmer Michael Phelps make Olympic history, winning eight gold medals and setting a world record for total amount of chest exposure on TV. (Eat your heart out, Janet Jackson.)

These Olympics certainly left us with many unforgettable moments, starting with the spectacular opening ceremony that mesmerized people all over the world, even causing one family in West Virginia to pose for photographs next to their TV screen. I don't know about you, but I won't soon forget the awesome fireworks display, almost too amazing to be true, as well as that cute little girl who did a fabulous job of lip-synching.

Perhaps the most impressive performance at the Olympics belonged to Phelps, who left viewers around the world shaking their heads and asking one question: "How does he do it?" Americans wondered how he manages to break so many world records, while Germans and Russians wondered how he manages to pass all his drug tests.

Which country should be No. 1 on the medal table?

In a post titled "Only in America," Angry African writes about the Olympic medal table and how the U.S. is No. 1 in tables that appear in the American media (See Yahoo! Sports table), while China is No. 1 in tables that appear elsewhere (See BBC table).

You know what system they use in the rest of the world for the official Olympic ranking system? The country with the most gold medals is on top and the little country with the least is right down there at the bottom. Makes sense. Right? Oh? Not here though. Over here they have America on top. They are way behind the Chinese when it comes to gold medals but that doesn’t matter. They argue that they have more of the other medals so they should be on top. [Link]

So which of the two tables is more accurate? Both of them have flaws, in my opinion. That's why I've developed a medal table that removes any bias and truly shows which country is No. 1 at the Olympics.

India wins medals in boxing and wrestling, no kidding

V. Balakrishnan, the journalism student at Columbia University in New York, was all smiles as he sat down to lunch with his friend Bobby Johnson. So excited was he that he began talking before putting anything in his mouth.

Balakrishnan: "Did you hear? India has won two more medals!"

Johnson: "Yeah, I heard. It was on CNN. Breaking News. They interrupted a debate on whether Barack Obama will choose Deepak Chopra as his running mate."

Balakrishnan: "Really?"

Johnson: "Of course not, you idiot. Do you really think CNN cares how many medals India wins?"

Balakrishnan: "Well, it's pretty big news, man. It's the first time India has won three medals at a single Olympics. It's also the first time we've medaled in boxing. We've meddled before, but not medaled."

Johnson: "Boxing? You're kidding? I thought Indians were ...  you know ..."

Balakrishnan: "Wimps?"

Johnson: "No, not wimps. Just ... you know ... wimpsical."

Balakrishnan: "Wimpsical? Is that a real word?"

Johnson: "I'm not sure. What I mean to say is, I thought Indians were the nonviolent sort. You know, like Gandhi."

Balakrishnan: "Like Gandhi? You thought we were all like Gandhi?"

Johnson: "Well, I've never met an Indian who was really into fighting. Have you ever been in a fight yourself? Have you ever hit anyone?"

Balakrishnan: "No, but I have hit my books really hard. And I've also hit the dance floor, hit the bottle and hit the sack."

Kirsty Coventry makes a splash for Zimbabwe

Some of my favorite stories from the Olympic Games are about athletes who bring glory to countries that would otherwise enjoy very little limelight. Samuel Matete, the 400m hurdler, is one of those athletes. He won a silver medal at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta and proudly carried the Zambian flag around the stadium, much to my delight.

At the Beijing Olympics, as she did four years earlier, Kirsty Coventry put Zimbabwe near the top of the medal table, giving some of her countrymen their widest smiles since independence.

The Harare-born swimmer has won four medals in Beijing, three silver and one gold, and seven medals in her career, making me wish she had been born just a few hundred miles north.

“Part of the reason I'm still swimming and still motivated is to raise my country's flag high and shine some good, positive light on my country at home,” says Coventry, who refuses to comment publicly on Zimbabwe's divisive political crisis. “I don't know how many athletes have their whole country supporting them. Every time I go home, I have people in the street cheering me.”

Or parents naming newborn sons and daughters after her. Shortly after the Athens Olympics, there was a Swimmingpool Nhanga born in Harare, a Freestyle Zuze, a Breaststroke Musendame, a Butterfly Masocha, a Backstroke Banda. [Link]

Before the Athens Olympics, there was a CantSwim Ndlovu, a DogPaddle Zulu, a BackStrain Banda.

Her grand return to Harare was televised on live TV for two hours. Mugabe presented her with the equivalent of $50,000 U.S. as “pocket money.”

That Coventry is a white girl from a Harare suburb who went to college in the United States and still lives there doesn't seem to matter to the 12 million residents of Zimbabwe, all but a few thousand of whom are black and poor. They consider her one of their own, a lifeline to the rest of the world, a beacon of hope in an ever-darkening existence. [Link]

Coventry could have found a way to swim for the United States, could have made more money in the process, but she didn't. She swam for the country where she was born, where she grew up. And she swam into the hearts of 12 million people.

Akhil Kumar joins others in "crashing out" of Olympics

Still glowing from Abhinav Bindra's gold medal in shooting, Indian sports fans were stunned to hear that Akhil Kumar had "crashed out" of the Olympics. Journalism student V. Balakrishnan was particularly sullen as he ate lunch with his best friend Bobby Johnson at Columbia University in New York.

Bobby: "Bala, why aren't you smiling anymore? Did you just fill up your car again?"

Balakrishnan: "No, Bob, I just read that Akhil Kumar crashed out of the Olympics."

Bobby: "Crashed out? I didn't know they had auto racing at the Olympics."

Balakrishnan: "He's not an auto racer, Bob. He's a boxer."

Bobby: "Then how did he crash out, Bala? Did someone knock him out of the ring?"

Balakrishnan: "That's Indian journalese, Bob. Our athletes don't merely lose. They crash out. Saina Nehwal crashed out in badminton,  Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi crashed out in tennis, and Neha Aggarwal crashed out in table tennis."

Bobby: "Wow, I didn't realize there had been so much 'crashing out' going on? Has anyone been injured? Do they protect themselves with helmets?"

Balakrishnan: "No, they don't need helmets. They're got plenty of experience in crashing out. They're ace crash-outers. It's too bad 'crashing out' isn't a sport of its own. We'd be world champions."

Bobby: "But there'd be plenty of competition from other countries. Many countries aren't even on the medal table."

Balakrishnan: "That's true. I'd hate to see our athletes crashing out of the crash-out competition."

Bobby: "If you're so used to seeing them crash out, why do you look so sad? Isn't it the same old story?"

Balakrishnan: "Yeah, but Abhinav Bindra got my hopes up. He didn't crash out. He won the gold medal. So I thought Akhil Kumar had a chance of not crashing out too, especially since he had just sent world champion Sergey Vodopyanov crashing out."

Bobby: "Okay, enough of this crashing-out talk. I know what will cheer you. Alpha Delta Pi is throwing a big party tonight. You and I can get drunk and forget all about the Olympics."

Balakrishnan: "Alpha Delta Pi? Do we know someone there?"

Bobby: "Don't worry about that, Bala. We'll just do what we usually do: crash."

He's too young to be in the Olympics?

He helped China win a gold medal in team gymnastics. He's a favorite to win an individual gold medal. He's part of a big controversy at the Beijing Olympics.

But this really isn't about him. This is about her: the female gymnast named He Kexin.

He is officially 16 years old, looks like she's 11, but is actually 13, going on 24. Or something like that.

Apparently there's a rule that Olympic gymnasts have to be at least 16. And all this time, I was under the impression that there was a rule that Olympic gymnasts have to be under 16. You mean to tell me that some of these girls are over 16? A couple of them look like they'd be good playmates for my daughter Lekha, who happens to be 6.

Former U.S. gymnastic coach, Bela Karolyi, 65, whose wife, Marta, "coordinates" the U.S. team, has been ranting incessantly about the ages of the Chinese gymnasts on TV, calling them "half-people" and looking a little like a "half-idiot."

Column: The shot heard around the world

In case you missed the news, in case you were sleeping under a rock or just got released from Guantanamo, India won its first-ever individual gold medal at the Beijing Olympics, causing 1.1 billion people to jump up and down with joy, touching off a minor earthquake in California and a major interruption in tech support.

Yes, an Indian man won an Olympic gold medal -- and without all his opponents getting injured. Abhinav Bindra, a 25-year-old from Delhi, won first place in the 10m air rifle event, beating 50 other shooters, including that great Albanian marksman Imer Gudschot.

So excited were members of the Indian Olympic Association, so taken in this moment of high-fives and champagne-popping, that some of them checked the official medal table to see if India had moved past America. No such luck, of course, but that didn't stop people from celebrating like it was the greatest Olympic achievement ever. And who can blame them? After all, it was their first individual gold medal since India began competing in the Olympics more than a century ago, back in the days when "catapulting" was an official sport.

"The drought is over!" screamed one newspaper's headline, causing even more celebration across the land, particularly in the farming community.

It was a shining moment for India on the world's greatest sporting stage. As one Indian politician eloquently put it, “Abhinav Bindra has shooted us all into glory!”