FunnyColumns

Column: How high is the price of gas?

The price of gasoline has shot up again, as you've no doubt noticed. How high is it? It's so high that when you buy 10 or more gallons at some gas stations, they give you a free box of tissues. 

It's so high that some Americans, feeling the squeeze on their finances, are filling up less often, surviving on just four meals a day. "My car can't do without gas," one Cleveland man said, "but I can do without my midnight Whopper."

It's so high that a retired farmer in Montana, who enjoys traveling in his Oldsmobile, has hooked a pair of cows to the front bumper. "Forget the gas station," he said. "Now when I need a fill up, I pull up to the grass station."

It's so high that one man in Chicago has gone to the extent of -- you won't believe this -- walking to work. "I used to drive," the motel manager said, "but with the price of gas so high, my wife said to me, 'Why don't you try walking across the parking lot?'"

It's so high that some drivers are trying to increase fuel efficiency by carrying less weight in their cars, making sure they have no passengers. "I'm getting five more miles per gallon!" a New York man said. "Who cares if my children have stopped talking to me?"

Discrimination 'not unknown' in India

Whitney Houston, Holly Robinson, Halle Berry ... okay, I admit it. I've always had a thing for black women.  Then again, I've also had a thing for blonde women. And what about Indian women? Some of them are so hot, you can cook chapatis on their chests. (No, in case you're wondering, my wife didn't let me.)

Beauty can be found in every race, every skin color, no matter what you might think from reading People magazine. Unfortunately some people just can't get past skin color. They've been conditioned into believing that light-skinned people are more attractive than dark-skinned people. They'd walk right past Halle Berry to ogle Mick Jagger.

It's a major problem in India, where Fair & Lovely and other skin-lightening creams fly off the shelves faster than toothpaste. (Yes, it's better to be toothless than dark-skinned.) So I shouldn't be surprised that a couple of black cheerleaders from Britain were recently mistreated in India.

Calcutta, May 19: Two cheerleaders from London were asked to leave the ground at Mohali "€œbecause of the colour of their skin"€ by the Preity Zinta-hired event management company, Wizcraft International Entertainment, which handles her team, Kings XI Punjab.

One of the girls, Ellesha Newton, told The Telegraph: "€œIt was okay when we reached the stadium. It was when we were going to take our positions that some of Wizcraft'€™s employees asked us to leave. We were surprised and asked them why and they told us it was because of the colour of our skin."€ [Link]

Wow, not only were they racist, they were blatant about it.

Wizcraft employee: "Sorry, you will have to leave."

Newton: "Why? What's wrong?"

Employee: "You are black. Please leave and don't come back until the Fair & Lovely has worked."

Sherinne, 25, burst out: "€œThis kind of thing has never happened to us before, not in Europe, not here, nowhere."

Ruby Eaton, their fellow cheerleader, said that after the first two matches when they were all packed and ready to fly to the destination for the third they were told their contract had been terminated.

"€œWe found out later that the main reason was we were a mixed group and they did not want coloured people," the 23-year-old Londoner said. [Link]

Perhaps Wizcraft should have put a sign at the airport: "Welcome to India. No dark-skinned people allowed (except for the one billion already here)."

Cricketer Harbhajan Singh was recently accused by the Australians of racial abuse and then let off but discrimination because of caste or the colour of skin is not unknown in India. [Link]

Now there's a newsflash. Not unknown? That's like saying "Shoveling snow to clear walkways is not unknown in Canada." Or "Gazing at Halle Berry photos is not unknown in Melvin's house."

Photo by Rochak Chauhan

The foreigners are at fault again

I've been a foreigner or immigrant in a few countries and, let me tell you, it's not always easy. In Zambia, where I grew up, strangers would occasionally call me "mwenye," a term for Indians that's not too endearing. In America, a few people, unhappy that I criticized the Iraq War and other U.S. policies, have sent me emails saying, "If you don't like it here, then go back to where you came from." (I tried to go back to where I came from, but there just wasn't enough space in my mother's womb.) In Canada, I've yet to experience any xenophobia, aside from a rather unpleasant encounter with a border official, an older lady who talked to my wife and I as though we were dogs. I can't tell you how much I felt like biting her.

The vast majority of people in Zambia and North America have treated me well, so it's easy to overlook the slights. I really can't complain, considering what other foreigners or immigrants have had to endure around the world. Just look at what's happening in South Africa, where mobs are attacking Zimbabweans and other foreigners.

Many of those who have sought refuge in police stations, churches and community halls are Zimbabweans, who have fled violence and poverty at home.

Up to three million Zimbabweans are thought to be in South Africa.

The BBC's Caroline Hawley in Johannesburg says the immigrants have become a scapegoat for social problems, such as unemployment, crime and a lack of housing. [Link]

In almost every country, there's a segment of the population that isn't doing well, a segment that's struggling to make ends meet. It's easy for these people (and others) to blame foreigners for their problems. Who else are they going to blame -- the government?

Native American (sipping a Budweiser): "If it wasn't for white people, I'd have a job!"

White American (sipping a Corona): "Well, if it wasn't for Mexicans, I'd have a job!"

Mexican-American (sipping a Red Stripe): "Well, if it wasn't for Jamaicans, I'd have a job!"

Jamaican-American: "Excuse me, guys. It's closing time. Time to go home now."

Mexican-American: "Go home? I'm tired of people telling me to go home. This is my home."

White American: "No, you're wrong. This is my home. I've lived here longer than you."

Native American: "No, both of you are wrong. This is my home. My ancestors were here before anyone decided to build a bar here."

Even if you were born in a particular country, you might still be considered a foreigner, especially if you don't look like the majority, as Hanif Adams realized recently when he tried unsuccessfully to become president of the Football Association of Zambia. A number of commenters on one Zambian blog thought of him as "just a mwenye." Others, thankfully, saw no merit in focusing on his race.

Look at the developed nations and see why they are so successful. America, Canada, the UK thrives on the expertise of immigrants. They embrace people from all walks of life and races in their development. You are going to write off someone with a proven administrative record just because he is of Indian race? [Link]

Embrace people from all walks of life and races? What a foreign concept.

Photo by Robotson

Life's so much easier with the Internet

I woke up this morning and realized that three children’s videos I had borrowed from the library were due today. I didn’t feel like going to the library, so I went online and renewed them. It took barely a minute. My laptop was on the nightstand, so I didn’t even have to get out of bed. My children will grow up to take such conveniences for granted. But I was raised in the pre-internet era and continue to be amazed at what I can do with a few taps and clicks. Here’s just a partial list:

• Banking: I can check my balances, transfer money from one account to another, and celebrate whenever the bank credits me with 11 cents of interest.
• Paying bills: I can pay all my bills online, saving me the trouble of writing checks, sticking stamps and sending my wife to the mail box.
• Buying tickets: I can get almost any ticket online, including airline tickets, train tickets, concert tickets and sports tickets. If my Internet connection weren’t so slow, I'd also be able to get speeding tickets.
• Buying gifts and other items: I can buy all sorts of stuff online, including engrossing books at Amazon.com, enchanting music at iTunes.com, and enduring love at RussianBrides.com (if I were single).
• Reading: There’s so much to read online, including articles, blogs, stories and tattoos.
• Watching videos, looking at photos: I can watch scores of shows and events online, including amazing performances such as Zakir Hussain on the tabla and amazing feats such as a person crossing a road in Hyderabad. I can also look at photo galleries, not just my friends’ vacation photos, but also the wedding pics of Shwetha and Karthik and other people I don't know.
• Getting directions: No longer do I have to listen to my wife (or someone else) tell me to stop my car and ask for directions. “I’m not just going in circles,” I can say to them. “I’m using Google Maps to go in circles.”

Yes, I can do a lot on the Internet, but there’s so much more I’d like to be able to do. For example:

• Shopping for groceries: I can do this on a limited basis, but I’d like to be able to shop at my local grocery store through the Internet. I’d like to “walk” down a virtual aisle with virtual shelves, click on items such as milk, bread and eggs, and have a clerk from the grocery store bring them to my home, put them in my refrigerator, and cook me breakfast. Is that too much to ask?
• Renewing my passport: As I've mentioned before, if there's anything worse than watching your house on fire, it's spending a day at the Indian embassy. Whether I need a passport or a visa, I’d like to do it online, instead of having to face that person behind the counter, the one with the button that says, “A friendly greeting, a warm smile and good service. Get them all at Starbucks.”
• Getting a haircut: This would, of course, require me to use a webcam, as well as a special HairClipper2008 accessory that would be controlled through the Internet by Pallani, my barber in Chennai.

Photo by dro!d

Column: Fold your arms and solve your problems

If you're having trouble solving a math problem or beating someone in chess or checkers, perhaps you should stop scratching your head. That really doesn't help you think clearer or make you look confident, though I suppose it's a little better than scratching yourself elsewhere. (I'm not an expert on scratching, though as a man I've done a fair bit of it in my lifetime.)

The best thing you can do, in terms of posture, is fold your arms. A new study has found that just by folding (or crossing) your arms, you'll have more perseverance and a greater desire to succeed. Yes, it's true. Researchers found that university students who folded their arms were more successful and persistent at solving anagrams than students who kept their hands on their thighs. I don't know about you, but I'm going to start folding my arms as much as I can. I want to be successful not just in solving problems, but also in other activities:

--- "Of course I'm in the mood, honey. Do you think we can do it with our arms folded?"

--- "I didn't mean to swerve, officer. My mouth slipped."

--- "It's nice to meet you, Dr. Gupta. Do you mind if we shake feet?"

The researchers, including Ron Friedman of Hobart and William Smith Colleges, got the idea of studying arm-folding while watching former pro basketball coach Pat Riley, who would even go to the men's room with his arms folded. Friedman wondered if Riley was gaining some kind of competitive edge from his posture. It's amazing how the mind of a scientist works. I've watched Riley and his folded arms many times and my reaction was always the same: "Give the man a blanket -- he's feeling cold."

Is history on Hillary Clinton's side?

Hillary Clinton trounced Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary, but it didn't do much for her chances of winning the Democratic Party's presidential nomination. Even so, Clinton hasn't given up. She's trying her best to convince superdelegates that she's the one who can beat John McCain in November.

Her campaign argues that she can catch Obama in the popular vote by turning out the vote in the remaining five contests.

Clinton has also continued to tout her electability, saying she's more fit to go up against Sen. John McCain, the presumptive GOP nominee, in November.

"I'm winning Catholic voters and Hispanic voters and blue-collar workers and seniors, the kind of people that Sen. McCain will be fighting for in the general election," Clinton said earlier.

Reiterating a point she has made frequently while campaigning in West Virginia, Clinton pointed out Tuesday that no Democrat has won the White House since 1916 without winning West Virginia. [Link]

We can add that to our list of historical trivia. Perhaps Clinton should mention a few others:

No Democrat has won the White House since 1916 without being able to pee standing up.

No Democrat has won the White House since 1916 without shaving every day.

No Democrat has won the White House since 1916 without having a spouse who was once pregnant.

I like Hillary Clinton. But to trot out historical trivia during an unprecedented nomination race between a Kenyan-American man and a white woman is really grasping at straws.

Be smart -- buckle up

You know that strap that hangs at the side of your car seat? It's called a seat belt. Please wear it. Do it for me, do it for your loved ones.

My father died when he was 40 and I was 8, all because he thought that strap in his Peugeot was some kind of decoration. He was ejected from his car on a rural road in Zambia. Back then, seat belt safety messages were rare or non-existent. These days, everyone's been told the importance of wearing seat belts, yet so many people don't bother. Take, for example, the backseat passengers in last weekend's terrible accident in Pennsylvania.

The lone survivor from a van in the weekend accident that claimed the lives of six people was wearing a seat belt -- and that could be the reason he's alive today, Erie County Coroner Lyell Cook said.

Seven Michigan residents, including 28-year-old Nitin Gupta, were traveling in a minivan through Erie County on their way to Niagara Falls on Saturday afternoon when the van crossed a grass median on Interstate 90 and struck an oncoming car.

Six of the seven were killed on impact. Gupta, the lone survivor in the van, was the only passenger wearing a seat belt.

Driver Kaushik Deb also was wearing a seat belt, but was crushed in the wreckage, Cook said.

"I don't know how much of a difference seat belts would have made to the other passengers due to the damage of the vehicle," Cook said. "But this is proof positive that the use of seat belts and restraints certainly increases your chances of surviving a crash of any kind." [Link]

[More on the accident here. NOTE: Donations for the families of those killed in the crash may be sent to Syntel Accident Fund, 525 E. Big Beaver Toad, Suite 300, Troy, MI 48032.]

I wrote a column about the importance of seat belts several years ago, after the tragic death of  NFL  linebacker Derrick Thomas.

Three years ago, when Princess Diana was killed in a car accident, I thought it would teach people the importance of seat belts. But I must have been sniffing glue.
 
People have all kinds of reasons for not wearing seat belts. Some don’t like seat-belt laws. They don’t like the government telling them what to do, even if it’s for their own good. If the government made sex a requirement, they’d give it up. At least for a day or two.
 
Some cite the rare times when a seat belt has actually injured people in an accident. That’s like giving up using toilets because every now and then a snake slithers out of one.
 
Some are just too lazy to wear a seat belt. They have enough trouble dialing their cell phones.
 
A few years ago, I was surprised to see a friend speeding without wearing a seat belt. I thought, "Hey buddy, don’t be in such a hurry to meet your maker. Your wife and children need you. Who else is going to change their lightbulbs?"
 
I always wear a seat belt. I’m enjoying my life too much to take any chances with it.

Photo by Whatsername

A gift you can flush

Of all the wedding gifts a couple receives, there are always a few they’d like to flush down the toilet. A growing number of couples in India are flushing their gifts, but not to get rid of them.

PUNE: What qualifies as the perfect marriage gift? Jewellery, dress, diamonds or a luxurious car? None of the above, feels Savitri Mane, who has decided to give her niece the most 'precious' gift of all — a portable toilet.

Katraj-resident Savitri's niece Raksha is marrying a youth from Bhor this week. When Raksha's parents noticed that the groom's house does not have a toilet, they decided to gift the bride one.

"It has become a trend nowadays to buy portable toilets as gifts. The demand is on the rise this season. Parents, whose daughters are marrying rural youths, have added a portable toilet to their list of gifts offered to the groom," said Ramdas Mane of Mane Industries in Bhosari. His firm has received orders for more than 1,000 toilets in the past few days. "Already, we have provided 2,500 toilets in 200 villages in Pune, Satara and Kolhapur," he said. [Link]

I'm not sure what a "portable toilet" is, but I presume it's one that can be carried easily, one that doesn't take much effort to gift wrap.

Excited bride (unwrapping gift): "A toilet! We got a toilet!"

Groom: "Why are you surprised? Didn't you put it on the bridal registry?"

"Basically, girls from urban areas are not willing to marry into rural families. A girl from the police lines in Pune was married in Sangli and had to suffer a lot because there was no toilet facility," said Pratima Joshi of Shelter Associates. She added that city girls make sure that these basic amenities are available in their in-laws' houses before getting married.

"When my uncle asked about the marriage gift, I suggested a portable toilet. As a new bride I would not be in a position to ask my in-laws to construct a toilet at their place. So, while leaving Pune, I will carry my toilet," said Ekta Tare, who is getting married to a youth from Khatav in Satara. [Link]

It’s a great wedding gift, one that both husband and wife can use for many years to come, as long as their marriage doesn’t go down the … uh … toilet.

Where's the beef? Not on British Airways

The national dish of Britain is no longer being served on the national airline, at least not in the economy class.

British Airways has taken beef off the menu for economy passengers amid concerns about its "religious restrictions".

The airline has instead switched to a fish pie or chicken dish option for the so-called "cattle class" passengers.

BA's second-biggest long-haul market is to India, where the majority Hindu population do not eat beef because of their beliefs.

The decision to scrap the nation's favourite fare was described as a "great shame" by the English Beef and Lamb Executive, formerly part of the Meat and Livestock Commission.

A spokesman said: "It is regrettable that Britain's flag carrier is not proposing to serve Britain's national dish. ...

A BA spokesman said they stopped serving beef to economy class passengers last month.

He added: "We can only serve two options and beef and pork obviously have religious restrictions.

"We have to try to use two meals which appeal to as many customers as possible. This summer season we are offering customers in World Traveller on most longhaul flights a choice of chicken and tarragon or fish pie. [Link]

Flight attendant: "Would you like chicken or fish, sir?"

Male passenger: "Do you have any beef?"

Flight attendant: "No, not anymore."

Passenger: "Not anymore? What d'ya mean? It's our national dish!"

Flight attendant (whispering): "A lot of people don't eat beef, sir."

Passenger: "It's those darn Hindus, innit? They're the ones who don't eat beef!"

Flight attendant (whispering): "Keep your voice down, sir. There are a lot of ... uh ... Hindus on board."

Hindu passenger sitting nearby: "Yes, keep your voice down, sir. Otherwise we'll complain about the chicken and fish, and, the next time you fly, you'll be eating curd rice and pickle."

The heroic journey of Ramesh Ferris

Twenty years ago, in the summer of 1988, I drove across America with my friend and future brother-in-law Santosh. We traveled from Delaware to California in about four days, making as few stops as possible. I remember feeling like we had accomplished something, like we had passed some kind of endurance test. It takes a lot of effort, after all, to put your foot on the gas pedal.

Our cross-country trip was a breeze compared to the one Ramesh Ferris is taking. Ramesh, a polio survivor, is hand-cycling across Canada to raise money (and awareness) to fight the disease. He began his 7,200-km journey in Victoria, BC, on April 12 -- the 53rd anniversary of the release of Jonas Salk’s polio vaccine -- and expects to complete it in six months. Accompanied by a support team of about five people, he is trying to cover 400 km every 10 days on his 27-speed hand cycle. That's 40 km a day, using mainly his arms to power his cycle forward. I don't know about you, but after about 10 km, I'd be sticking my thumb out at passing motorists.

I'm not sure if Ramesh is the first polio survivor to hand-cycle across Canada, but he's definitely the first blogging polio survivor to do so.

Yup, it’s truly spring now – I can smell it in the air. It’s a package deal though, complete with all the mucky dirt on the shoulders of the road.  Because of a short rain today I was covered in dirt from my face, head, back, chest, legs and toes.  Add to that all of the chain grease that accumulates on my jersey every day as I cycle, and you can imagine that I was feeling pretty gross by the end of the day.

This morning we reached Obed Summit, which is the highest point on the Yellowhead Highway, 1163.9 m above sea level. I thought it was all downhill after that, but to my surprise, there was steep hill after steep hill for the next few hours. [Link]

Ramesh is going to love it when he gets to the prairies, the flat provinces of Saskatchewan and Manitoba. The only time he'll need to go uphill is when he's climbing out of a pothole.

As I reflect back on today I got extremely dirty cycling down the Yellowhead, but it’s important to remember that the dirt comes off. In our world we have a culture of crawlers: children, teenagers and adults that have had their legs paralyzed for life because they did not receive the polio vaccine that would have protected them for life. In the lives of these crawlers they are almost always dirty, because many of them depend on cut up pieces of tires for their knees, and sandals on their hands to drag them through the streets of where they live. Awareness is important, but it’s donations that will help polio victims around our world walk. It’s donations that will provide those drops of the polio vaccine to children around the world to protect them for life.

This is why I’m cycling to walk.  Please donate or sponsor today. [Link]

He's doing the hard part. With just a few clicks, we can do the easy part.

Column: Guidelines for travelers entering America

A U.S. Appeals Court has ruled that airport officials do not need "reasonable suspicion" to download data from a traveler's laptop or personal electronic storage device and keep it indefinitely. Coincidentally, the Department of Homeland Security has issued new guidelines for people entering America by air:

1. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search all your belongings. This includes all items you are bringing to the United States, as well as items you have left behind. Be prepared to provide your home address, a set of keys and a copy of directions from Google maps.

2. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search your body and your clothing, together or apart.

You may be asked to remove any head covering, including but not limited to: (a) skullcaps; (b) turbans; and (c) toupees.

You may be asked to remove any body covering, including but not limited to: (a) shirts; (b) dresses; and (c) plaster casts.

You may be asked to remove items attached to your head or body, including but not limited to: (a) false teeth; (b) nose rings; and (c) cell phones.

3. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to use various means to detect explosives, drugs or other illegal substances that you may be carrying or have recently consumed.

You may be subject to an X-ray of various body parts, including but not limited to: (a) your stomach; (b) your brain; and (c) your implants.

You may be subject to a thorough and intense dog sniffing. The sniffing may be directed toward but is not limited to: (a) your luggage; (b) your hand baggage; (c) your backside.

If you are afraid of dogs, you have the option of being sniffed by a lion.

You may also be asked to provide samples of fluids for testing, including but not limited to: (a) saliva; (b) urine; and (c) sweat. (The sweat will be collected during the interrogation.)

The creative kids who make wire cars

My kids were watching Sesame Street this morning and I caught a segment called Global Grover, in which the blue monster traveled to South Africa to find out how children make wire cars. It triggered a flood of memories of my childhood in Zambia. We didn't have lots of toys, but somehow managed to have lots of fun, using our creativity and imagination. Some children were adept at making wire cars. I could never make one. I wasn't particularly good with my hands, except when it came to fighting with my sister. I wasn't as talented as 11-year-old Taurai Moyo of Chivamba, Zimbabwe, who was featured in Highlights magazine.

When he was about five years old, Taurai visited his cousin in Harare, the capital of Zimbabwe, and learned to make wire cars. At eight, he was one of the best wire-car makers in his class. Today, he is the best at his school.

Taurai did not keep the skill of making wire cars all to himself. Many of his friends, like twelve-year-old Chenjerai, a talented wire-car maker, were once his students. According to Chenjerai, “What you need are the basic skills of shaping and straightening the wires, but first you have to observe how someone skilled, like Taurai, does it.” [Link]

Observing doesn't always work. I tried observing talented wire-car makers, but my creations always ended up looking like this. Making a good wire car isn't easy. Not only does your car have to move smoothly, it also has to look good. How else are you supposed to impress the young ladies?

Most of the boys can “drive” their cars anywhere they go—to school, church, and shops. Some wire cars are strong enough to carry parcels weighing up to two pounds.

Wire cars are driven on gravel roads or narrow paths littered with stones and covered with grass. Although you don’t need a license to drive a wire car, Taurai warns that “You need to be careful, just like someone driving a real car. If you are not, you may bump into a stone, and suddenly the whole car becomes a wreck.” [Link]

What do you do if your wire car is involved in an accident? You tow it to the wire-car garage, of course. And then you call your wire-car insurance agent.

Just like real cars, wire cars sometimes need repairs. The most troublesome parts are the wheels, which need to be regularly straightened to maintain balance. Other repairs include tightening up the wires that are fastened together.

Taurai has his own garage, where he makes and repairs his cars. He also repairs his friends’ cars that are involved in road accidents. These cars are usually complete wrecks, but they are not thrown away. The wires are unattached, straightened, and used to make a whole new car. [Link]

What do you do if you don't have enough money to pay the wire-car garage? You have it wired to you, of course.

I miss playing with wire cars. I wish my son would play with one. Unfortunately too many kids these days have gone wireless.

Marrying for a green card? Don't use Craigslist

How often does someone marry an American to get a green card? Well, about as often as George W. Bush says, "Uh..." But most people go about it fairly discreetly. They profess their undying love to an unsuspecting American or, if they're really desperate, wave hundred dollar notes in front of his/her face at a nightclub. What they don't do is place an ad on Craigslist, as a Russian woman, Yuliya Mikhailovna Kalinina, did.

In late 2005 and early 2006, Kalinina allegedly posted eight advertisements on Craigslist saying she wanted to marry a U.S. citizen solely to obtain permanent resident status, according to federal prosecutors.

Kalinina offered her would-be husbands up to $15,000, prosecutors said. The ads purportedly read: "Green Card Marriage -- Will pay $300/month Total: $15,000" and "This is strictly platonic business offer, sex not involved. NOT required to live together." [Link]

Did she really need to advertise on Craigslist? Couldn't she have just picked up a guy on a downtown street corner? It would have a lot of cheaper. Most guys hanging out on the street corner would marry you for as little as one beer a day. They might not even complain about the "sex not involved" part.

Of course, by advertising online, Kalinina attracted a more refined man. His name was Benjamin Claude Adams and he thought he had won his version of the green card lottery.

Adams responded to Kalinina's advertisements in January 2006 and agreed to enter into the sham marriage, prosecutors said.

One month later, the pair were married in a ceremony performed by Kalinina's live-in boyfriend, Dmitri Chavkerov, an Internet-ordained minister, prosecutors said. Later, Kalinina allegedly leased a new Ford Mustang for Adams. [Link]

Oh, I see what happened: She married him for a green card. He married her for a green car.

I also know what Dmitri was thinking when he agreed to perform the ceremony: "She marry him. She get green card. I marry her. I get green card."

Alas, the plan failed and poor Kalinina and Adams have been sentenced to prison terms of four months and two months respectively.

Kalinina, who faced up to five years in federal prison, could be deported after she is released because she is a convicted felon. [Link]

Don't be surprised if she places another ad on Craigslist: "Green Card Marriage -- Money not involved, just lots of sex. 300 times/month Total: 15,000."

Photo by Elke Sisco