FunnyColumns

Description for the sake of description

Aspiring reporters are often taught to put lots of description in their articles. "Description can help bring a subject to life," the journalism professor says. But not all subjects can be brought to life, not even with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

In the case of the Brampton, Ontario, double-homicide today, in which a man allegedly stabbed his wife and a Good Samaritan, the description that a Globe & Mail reporter decided to include served no purpose whatsoever, except perhaps to let everyone know that the reporter was wide awake in journalism class -- and probably sitting in the front row too.

Both the woman and the Good Samaritan died at the plaza, which was quickly flooded with police cruisers and emergency vehicles and cordoned off with yellow tape.

Two hours later, their bodies were still on the ground, covered by a yellow tarpaulin.

No names were immediately released.

Habiba Syed, who works at the nearby Bestway Food Market, witnessed part of yesterday's violence and recounted seeing a man try to stab himself in the neck with a bloody knife before slumping to the ground, shouting, ‘My wife is dead. my wife is dead.'

Pizza maker Amarik Mangar also saw some of the fight and described the slain woman as heavy-set. [Link]

Do we really care whether she was heavy-set, medium-set or light-set? Nope, not unless her weight had something to do with her death:

--- Pizza maker Amarik Mangar described the woman as heavy-set and said her last words were, "I don't care what you say, I'm not going on a diet!'

--- Pizza maker Amarik Mangar described the woman as heavy-set and said she was unable to run away from her husband.

--- Pizza maker Amarik Mangar described the woman as heavy-set and said she had just bought a large pizza at his store and refused to share any of it with her husband.

Perhaps the reporter should have tried to be a little balanced in his description:

--- Pizza maker Amarik Mangar described the woman as heavy-set, her husband as big-bellied, the Good Samaritan as rotund and himself as well-toned.

Or better yet:

--- Pizza maker Amarik Mangar described the woman as heavy-set, her husband as big-bellied, the Good Samaritan as rotund, himself as well-toned, and the Globe & Mail reporter as a horse's behind.

Photo by Peter Rukavina

Column: Nothing nice about rice price

Rice is extremely popular in our household -- and I'm not talking about Condoleezza. I'm talking about the type of rice that looks warm and elegant at a dinner party.

My wife cooks rice almost every day. And when she isn't cooking rice, she's often making something out of rice, such as dosa and idli. She practically survives on rice. That's why I'm concerned about the rising price of rice, even more than the rising price of gas. I need gas to run my car, it's true, but I need rice to run my wife. Sure, she might operate on wheat or corn for a few weeks. But eventually I'd have to take her to the people mechanic.

Me: "She's been very sluggish lately, ever since I started filling her up with wheat and corn."

Doctor: "You're an idiot! Don't you know that she's got a rice engine?"

Me: "A rice engine?"

Doctor: "Yes, she's highly adapted to using rice as an energy source. Putting wheat and corn in her is like putting beer in your car. Only an idiot would do that."

Me: "Yeah, that's true. Lemonade is cheaper. Will she be all right? Is there any permanent damage?"

Doctor: "I'm not sure. Put her on the jack. I'll take a look under her."

Billions of other people share my wife's affinity for rice -- and that's just in India and China. Many people in Asia eat rice (or a rice product) three times a day. For them, it's not just a staple -- it's the entire stapler.

Snow, not-so-beautiful snow!

No, I didn't take this photo a couple of months ago in the midst of winter.  I took it this morning, from the front of our home in Winnipeg. Yes, it's April 24 and we're supposed to be a month into spring. But someone forgot to tell Mother Nature, who decided to give us a few centimeters of snow overnight, along with freezing rain. This might be a good time to revisit a column I wrote several years ago.

BURNING UP ABOUT COLD WEATHER

If you live in a part of the world that's warm all year,
that never gets snow and ice, that allows you to wear shorts
and sandals whenever you please, there's something I'd like
to say to you: I hate you.
 
Well, perhaps 'hate' is too strong a word. How about
'despise'? Yes, that's more like it. That captures exactly
how I feel about you at this moment, in the dead of winter,
when there's tons of snow outside my home and I can't even
visit the mailbox without having to spend the next three
hours defrosting my brain. But I really shouldn't complain:
It used to take much longer -- before I owned a microwave.
 
From November to March April every year, I can't help envying
people who are blessed with tropical weather, people who are
like my neighbor's cat -- always in heat. Unlike me, these
lucky people never have to scrape snow and ice off their
windshields, off their driveways, off their mustaches.
 
Every winter, I can't help asking a question that
environmentalists, for some strange reason, don't like to
hear: Is there any way to speed up global warming? [Read the Rest]

 

Still available: GoogleLovesBush.com and a few other domain names

A Maryland man recently sold the domain name Pizza.com for $2.6 million. He had bought the name in 1994. Those were the days when almost every one-word domain name was available, if only some of us were not busy drooling over our stock in Yugo. These days, if you want a one-word domain name that won't cost a fortune, you'll have to either pick a name in another language, such as Nshima.com, or choose a different suffix, such as .us and .ca. But even those names are going fast.

Internic.ca, Canada's first .CA registrar, is pleased to be the registrar of choice for the one millionth .CA domain name registration. Brent Krause from Calgary, Alberta, registered the landmark .CA domain name, KrausLaw.ca, to promote his private law practice. [Link]

One million .ca domain names! That means you can forget about registering Afri.ca, Ameri.ca and Eroti.ca. Sorry Bill Clinton, Moni.ca is also taken.

Even the two-word and three-word domain names are being scooped up faster than discounted mangoes at Patel Brothers. Google itself has registered thousands of domain names, including the following: GmailBlows.com, GmailSucks.com, GoogleSucks.com, GoogleFools.com and GooglePoo.com. It's not surprising that the company is trying to keep people from demeaning Google with their domain names. What's surprising is that they haven't yet registered GoogleLovesBush.com, GoogleWearsFur.com and GoogleSmokesPot.com.

What's also surprising -- and a little scary -- is that they've registered GoogleReligion.com and GoogleFaith.com. It's not enough that they're taking over the world -- they want us to worship them too. Somewhere in the world, in the not-so-distant future, a family will kneel in front of their computer, praying to Lord Google, the God of All Search Engines.

In case you're wondering, LordGoogle.com is already taken.

Outsourced jobs that make you smoke and drink

Many call-center workers in India serve customers in America and are expected to speak with American accents. That's not a big problem. But once they start talking like Americans, they soon find themselves eating, drinking and gaining weight like Americans. Some of them wake up to find tattoos on their bodies, blonde hair on their heads and guns under their beds. Well, perhaps not all of that is happening. But some of it definitely is, as Laurie Goering writes in the Chicago Tribune.

Indians may have taken over three-quarters of the world's call-center jobs, but they've also taken on the stresses of those jobs: weight gain, depression, boredom and, often, relationship troubles.

Worse, for the legions in India busy helping Americans reboot their hard drives or refinance their mortgages, the problems are often more severe, both because of cultural differences and because the work, by virtue of time differences with the U.S., largely takes place at night.

"There are a lot of pressures on people. The jobs are very stressful and not very creative," said Karuna Baskar, a director of 1to1help.net, a Bangalore-based counseling service that was contracted by 27 mainly information technology and call-center offices in India to work with troubled employees.

As more and more Indians spend their nights drinking too many colas, trying to sound like Americans and dealing with impatient clients on the other end of the phone line, "it's very clearly showing up in health problems and also tiredness and irritability," Baskar said. "At work and with their families, they're more irritable than they should be, and that's affecting their relationships." [Link]

Yes, many young Indians are becoming more irritable. Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are becoming very polite. They're always saying "please" and "thank you," as in "Please may I have my job back" and "Thank you for considering my application."

Other call-center workers end up packing on weight when they trade home-cooked meals with family, still a staple in India, for a diet of fast food, often the only thing available when they arrive home looking for dinner at 3 a.m. or breakfast at 8 p.m. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs are eating more home-cooked meals, having moved back in with Mom and Dad. They've got more time to exercise, more time to mow the lawn and wash the car.

In India, drinking, smoking and drug use are still relatively rare, especially among women. But call-center workers are taking up the habits with disturbing zeal, researchers say, either to cope with stress or to project an air of hip modernity.

A study last year in the Indian Journal of Sleep Medicine found that 40 percent of call-center workers surveyed smoked, compared with 7 percent of a control group, and 36 percent had more than two alcoholic drinks a week, against 2 percent of the control group. [Link]

Meanwhile, the young Americans who used to have those call-center jobs have given up smoking. It's too expensive. They've also stopped drinking, aside from an occasional swig, whenever Dad forgets to lock the liquor cabinet.

Photo by dgrobinson

How to end the Kenyan domination

When it comes to marathons, there are seemingly two classes of runners: (1) Kenyans and (2) everyone else. The Kenyans usually beat everyone else. Actually, "beat" is inaccurate. How about "trounce"?  Well, that's not accurate either. How about "crush"?

How dominant have they been? The Boston Globe offers some clues, noting that Kenyans have won all but four Boston Marathons since Ibrahim Hussein's victory in 1988. In recent years, they've owned all five World Marathon Majors.

Since 2000, Kenyans have claimed Boston, Berlin, and Chicago six times apiece, London and New York four. "It's one of the most impressive streaks in sports we've ever seen," says New York race director Mary Wittenberg. [Link]

They've been especially dominant at the Boston Marathon largely because the race's organizers believe in inviting the best runners from around the world, no matter their country of origin. And invariably, many of them are Kenyan. In last year's world rankings, 68 of the top 100 marathoners were Kenyan, and seven of them finished in the top ten at Boston.

If Boston's elite field seems lopsided with Kenyans, that isn't a problem for the BAA. "I've heard comments over the years that it'd be nice to have an American win again," says Morse. "But we've always subscribed to the view that we should invite the best to be here, wherever they're from. I don't think it's a negative that the Kenyans have continued to dominate." [Link]

No, it's not a negative. But we really should give the non-Kenyans a fighting chance. I propose that we change the rules slightly:

1. All participants must run 26 miles. Kenyans must run all of them backwards.

2. All participants must wear running shoes. Kenyans must also wear ankle weights.

3. All participants must sign an injury waiver. Kenyans must also sign autographs along the route.

4. All participants may refresh themselves at the water stations. Kenyans must also stop at the Starbucks coffee station.

5. All participants must pass a drug test. Kenyans must also pass the Medical College Admissions Test (MCAT).

I know what you're thinking: The Kenyans would still win.

Photo by Stuart Atkins

Come on, China: Free Nepal!

Stephen Hadley, President Bush's National Security Adviser, recently appeared on ABC's "This Week" with George Stephanopoulos and was asked about Tibet and the intention of some countries to boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games in China. Here's what he said, according to a transcript on Huffington Post (via SAJAForum):

"If countries are really concerned about Nepal, we shouldn't have this sort of non-issue of opening ceremonies or not. They should do the hard work of quiet diplomacy to urge the Chinese government -- in their interest -- to take advantage of this opportunity to do something," Hadley said. [Link]

Did he say 'Nepal'? He must have just misspoken.

He went on, "The way to deal with the issue of Nepal is not by some -- a statement that you're not going to the opening ceremonies and say, therefore, I checked the Nepal box." [Link]

Did he say it again? Well, Tibet and Nepal are next to each other, so it's easy to get them mixed up -- just as millions of people around the world get America and Mexico mixed up.

And it didn't end there. "What he's doing on Nepal is what we think the international community ought to be doing, which is approaching the Chinese privately through diplomatic channels and sending a very firm message of concern for human rights, a concern for what's happening in Nepal ... ." [Link]

He said 'Nepal' two more times! Didn't Stephanunscrupulous correct him? Nope, apparently not. Perhaps he thought 'Nepal' and 'Tibet' are one and the same, too.

It's one thing when Bush messes up. We're used to that. But this is the guy who advises Bush, the guy who's supposed to set him straight.

Makes you wonder what other countries have been mixed up, doesn't it?

Bush: "I just followed your advice, Stephen. I just ordered an invasion of Iraq to protect America from WMDs."

Hadley: "Iraq? I thought I said Iran."

Bush: "No, you definitely said Iraq. You said it five times. It's in the minutes of our meeting."

Hadley: "Well, I believe Iran is a bigger threat to our security."

Bush: "Are you sure you mean Iran?"

Hadley: "Well, I'll have to check the intelligence reports again, but I'm sure it's a country beginning with 'I'."

Bush: "You idiot! Don't tell me we were supposed to invade India!"

She's got a crush on Mush

Many of his people detest him; many of them love him. Pervez Musharraf is no different from George W. Bush in that respect. But do any beauty pageant winners have a crush on Bush? I'm not sure. Perhaps Miss Crawford, Texas, does. Mush, on the other hand, is receiving a lot of love from a major league beauty.

Reigning Miss Pakistan World Mahleej Sarkari found time last week to write a post on Musharraf on the pageant's website.

"A little note to the people of Pakistan. Going to international pageants we have found out how much Musharraf is known to all beautiful young girls, the beauty queens. Some have replied, 'Oh yes, the general man (sic)'. While others have said 'the man who rules Pakistan'," wrote Sarkari.

"Everything positive... I think personally Musharraf Sahab is very good-looking. Some Pakistani politicians may not agree with these gorgeous women.

"You know like Benazir, all men around the world thought she was a beauty, similarly Musharraf is a hunk. He has enough charisma to have young girls going nuts," goes the beauty queen's post. [Link]

A hunk? So that's why Condoleezza Rice wanted him to take off his uniform. I never realized that Mush could make young girls go nuts. I thought it was only the imams who went nuts.

As a heterosexual male, I can't always tell which men are attractive. I know Brad Pitt and Hrithik Roshan are handsome, but I just don't know why so many women go crazy over Harrison Ford and Matthew Perry. And now I'm even more puzzled about Mush. Is he really a hunk? And if so, do millions of young Pakistani girls go to bed gazing longingly at his picture on their walls? Do their knees get weak whenever they see the dictator/stud muffin on TV?

Column: Beijing Olympics trigger protests, boycotts and name-calling

The 2008 Beijing Olympics have put the spotlight on China, bringing attention to the conflict in Tibet and all the human rights abuses. Protesters disrupted Olympic torch relays in San Francisco and other western cities, many of them holding signs with stern messages for China such as “Free Tibet!” “Stop human rights abuses!” and “Give us cheaper TVs now!”

Indian soccer star Bhaichung Bhutia declined to run with the torch as "my way of standing by the people of Tibet," while actor Aamir Khan vowed to run with the torch "not in support of China" but "with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

Inspired by Khan, long jumper Anju Bobby George announced that she will protest China's human rights abuses by participating in the Beijing Olympics. "I am participating in the Olympics not in support of China," she said, "but with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

She pledged to lie on the ground before every jump, extending her legs outward to form a ‘T.’ “It may look like I’m stretching,” she said. “But I’m showing my support for Tibet.”

Just a day before the torch relay in India, cricket star Sachin Tendulkar pulled out of the event, saying that he had a groin injury. It's believed that he suffered the injury while running away from Tibetan activists.

Indian officials were so worried about protests that they drastically shortened the route of the torch relay, asking Khan to run with it from his bedroom to living room. He handed the torch to tennis star Leander Paes, who took it all the way to the kitchen. Other celebrities then did mini-runs from one appliance to another.

The video was doctored for Chinese television to show Khan and Paes running in front of the Taj Mahal, cheered on by thousands of people, including Mahatma Gandhi.

Groping on the train -- again and again and again

Groping is a common problem on buses and trains, especially when men and women are crammed together. In Japan, "two-thirds of female riders in their twenties and thirties reported that they had been groped on trains, and the majority had been victimized frequently." In some countries, including Japan, India and Mexico, authorities have tried to address the problem on trains by introducing "women-only"  passenger cars. It's a good solution, especially if you don't mind having other women grope you. (I'm sure it happens, though not as frequently as male-on-female groping.)

How serious a crime is it? Well, if you're a victim of groping, you probably think it's fairly serious. I'd hate to have some guy rubbing himself against me or touching my butt. (And I'd also be reluctant to snap the ball in American football.)

If you're a perpetrator, you probably think it's a fairly harmless crime. All you're doing is touching or rubbing against someone, which is almost unavoidable during rush hour. Like Freddie Johnson, you want to keep doing it.

About two weeks after he was released from prison, Freddie Johnson boarded a crowded subway train during morning rush hour in Manhattan, squeezed in behind a woman and ground his pelvis into her backside, authorities said.

It is a fairly common crime on subways in New York. But this was no common criminal.

Johnson has been arrested a staggering 53 times — the majority for groping women on the subway, police and prosecutors said.

In the latest incident, Johnson was being followed by plainclothes officers who recognized him from police photos, authorities said. He was charged with persistent sexual abuse, and if convicted this time, he could be sent away for life. The district attorney's office branded him a "recidivist transit grinder" at a court hearing earlier this week. [Link]

A recidivist transit grinder? Isn't that the guy at the Starbucks in the subway? He certainly does a lot of grinding. Johnson's grinding is worse of course, because nobody wants to pay $9.95 for it.

The subway sicko with a 57-page rap sheet brazenly claimed Sunday that pretty women should expect to get groped on trains.

"When there's this many attractive women in the city and on the subways, don't they know [this will happen]?" asked Freddie Johnson in a disturbing jailhouse interview with the Daily News. [Link]

Yeah, it's your fault, ladies. Stop being so darn attractive. Next time you travel, wear a temporary wart on your nose and stick a few hairs on your chin. And watch out for that blind grinder.

Around half of all so-called exhibitionists like Johnson are repeat offenders, experts say. Exhibitionists have the highest rate of re-offense of all sex crimes, but there isn't much crossover into more egregious acts like rape or assault, said Elizabeth Jeglic, a professor of treatment and rehabilitation of offenders at John Jay College of Criminal Justice.

"Exhibitionism is disturbing, but in the larger scheme you want to commit the people who are grabbing kids off the street, or the rapist in Central Park," Jeglic said. [Link]

Yeah, it's definitely not as serious as child abduction or rape, even if we'd all like Johnson to keep his, uh, johnson to himself.

He certainly doesn't deserve life imprisonment, though dropping the soap in the prison bathroom may teach him a lesson or two.

Photo by Blmurch

I now pronounce you man and goat

Bill Clinton has earned millions of dollars every year since leaving the White House, but as reported in 2005, he apparently missed out on a chance to get 40 goats and 20 cows.

A Kenyan city councilman says he offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter's hand in marriage five years ago. He's still awaiting an answer.

Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor wrote Clinton asking for Chelsea's hand in 2000 when Clinton visited Kenya, Chepkurgor told the East African Standard newspaper.

Chepkurgor, 36, vowed to remain single until he gets an answer to his proposal to marry Chelsea, 25.

Chepkurgor, a city councilor in Nakuru, told Clinton of plans for a grand wedding presided over by South African Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu. ...

The electrical engineering graduate said he promised to pay 40 goats and 20 cows in dowry for Clinton's only daughter in accordance with African tradition. [Link]

In some cultures, when you gain a wife, you lose some goats. In others, when you lose a wife, you gain a goat.

A farmer who blamed his wife for not providing him with a child has swapped her for a goat with three kids.

Three-times-wed Stoil Panayotov struck a deal with another farmer at a livestock market and handed over his wife in exchange for eight-year-old Elena.

Stoil, 54, said: "A friend told me that he had no luck with women and that he really liked my wife." Amazingly, she went along with the arrangement. Stoil added: "The deal was reached when my wife gave her approval.

"The goat has given birth to three kids and my wife to none. This deal was more profitable to the goat owner - I got a second-hand goat and he got a brand new wife."

The trade was concluded in front of a stunned crowd in the market town of Plovdiv in Bulgaria. Now locals are wondering what will happen next if things don't work out between Stoil and Elena. [Link]

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I can't believe his wife agreed to something so demeaning -- being traded for a goat and three kids. Surely no self-respecting woman would ever agree to be traded for fewer than 40 goats. Chelsea Clinton certainly wouldn't. There's no way she'd consider marrying Godwin Chepkurgor, not unless he doubled his offer.

As for Stoil, I hope he's not thinking of marrying the goat, even if those three kids need a dad. That would rile Fox News host Bill O'Reilly. He believes that gay marriage may eventually lead to goat marriage. If he's so strongly opposed to such marriages, it's surprising that he didn't raise the issue with Maureen E. McPhilmy, the mother of his two children. She is, after all, married to a goat.

Photo by TKnoxB

The rickshaw pullers of Kolkata

The April issue of National Geographic has a nice feature on the rickshaw pullers of Kolkata, including a collection of Ami Vitale's riveting photos on an endangered occupation. I've been on cycle rickshaws before, but never even seen the hand-pulled ones, which seem to belong to a bygone era, when the invention of the wheel transformed the ancient public transportation system, eliminating the need for piggy-back rides.

In the narrow side streets known as the lanes, loud honking is the signal that a taxi or even a small truck is about to round the corner and come barreling down a space not meant for anything wider than a bicycle. But occasionally, during a brief lull in the honking, I’d hear the tinkling of a bell behind me. An American who has watched too many Hallmark Christmas specials might turn around half expecting to see a pair of draft horses pulling a sleigh through snowy woods. But what came into view was a rickshaw. Instead of being pulled by a horse, it was being pulled by a man—usually a skinny, bedraggled, barefoot man who didn’t look quite up to the task. [Link]

They're skinny, bedraggled and barefoot, but undoubtedly possess more strength and endurance than many professional athletes, particularly the ones who hit balls into holes. Looking at Vitale's pictures, I can't help feeling a mixture of awe and sympathy. They work so hard for so little. But they make an honest living and provide a good service. And they're in relatively good health, though one of them did suffer a heart attack recently when a customer gave him a tip.

Go Royal Challengers! Beat the Kings!

Some years ago, I went to a National Football League game in Miami with a group of friends. My beloved Seahawks were playing the Dolphins. One friend had a pair of binoculars, so while the rest of us had trouble seeing everything from our end-zone seats, he was able to get a close-up view of every move -- up and down, side to side -- of the cheerleaders. It doesn't surprise me, then, that at least one team in the new Indian Premier League is creating a cheerleading squad.

"The Washington Redskins Cheerleaders, deemed the 'First Ladies of Football,' will be traveling to India on April 10th to create the first ever cheerleading squad in that country for cricket's Royal Challengers Bangalore, part of the new Indian Premier League (IPL), in their inaugural game on April 18th."

Twelve cheerleaders, 18 days, four cricket games, a second wave of training and the following claim: "By the time this project is complete, the Redskins Cheerleading department will have spent over 10 weeks creating a new cheerleading world in India." [Link]

I have three questions about this:

1. Will they be able to create a good cheerleading squad in such a short time? Probably not, even if they hire a bunch of dancers from Shahrukh Khan movies. Cheerleading is an art form. You have to know how to shake stuff -- and I'm not talking about the pompoms.

2. What kind of outfits will the Royal Challengers Cheerleaders wear? I have a feeling they'll be a tad more conservative than the "First Ladies of Football," who, as you can see from the picture, often show a part of the human anatomy you don't always see in America: ribs.

3. How many men will actually watch the cricket? India is a cricket-crazy country, so many men will undoubtedly keep track of all the batting and bowling, whenever the cheerleaders are taking a break.

Column: A vacation you're guaranteed to enjoy

Dear Parents,

Please forgive this intrusion on your time. I know how busy and challenging life can be when you have children. Kids are such a joy! I have three little ones myself and let me tell you, when I'm at work, I'm constantly looking at my watch, counting how many hours are left before the peace and calm ends.

I went on vacation last year with my wife and kids. We spent seven days in Florida, and when we returned home, I was exhausted. I felt like I had run a marathon. Thankfully, I had to go to work the next day. I was able to recover. It occurred to me that I had just spent thousands of dollars on a vacation that allowed me few moments of rest and relaxation, moments that usually ended with someone pounding on the door and saying, "Dad, come out of there! I need to pee."

That's why I decided to form a new company called Vacation Solution Inc. It's what all parents have been waiting for, the solution to our vacation woes. Yes, now you can have a restful vacation, up to seven days and seven nights in a tropical paradise, with someone else's children. Let some other parents take your problems. I mean, children.

Signing up for one of our relaxing vacations is easy. Just go to our website and pick the children you want to vacation with. You'd better hurry! The best children are going fast. (Mine are still available. If you want to take them for a week in December, I'm offering a free high-definition TV.)

Even if you don't get the best children, don't worry. Chances are, whichever children you get, they'll behave better than your own. How do I know this? Well, it's a scientifically proven fact that children behave up to 28 percent better when they're with adults they don't know. People are always saying to me, "Your children are so well-behaved. They're such angels!" And I say to them, "How would you like a free high-def TV?"

Termites terminate man's retirement

When you put valuables in a bank's safe deposit boxes, the last thing you expect to hear is that termites attacked them. This is the 21st century after all. We get our cash from machines, we pay our bills online and we see ourselves on TV every time we enter a bank. But not all banks are so advanced. At least one bank in India uses wooden safe deposit boxes, along with a tiny sign that says, "Welcome Termites!"

A trader in the Indian state of Bihar has lost his life savings after termites infesting his bank's safe deposit boxes ate them up.

Dwarika Prasad had deposited currency notes and investment papers worth hundreds of thousands of rupees in a bank safe in the state capital Patna.

The bank says it put up a notice warning customers of the termites.

Mr Prasad says he did not see it in time as he did not go to the bank for months after the notice went up.

Bank officials admit they did not inform the customers individually about the termite problem.

"I'm shattered. I do not know what to do as I had kept the money for my old age," Mr Prasad said.

The trader says he had deposited 450,000 rupees ($11,000) in currency notes, investment papers worth 232,000 rupees ($5,660) and some gold and silver jewellery in a safe deposit box of the government-owned Central Bank of India.

Mr Prasad says that relations with his wife and children were strained and he wanted to put the money in the safe box to keep it safe from them. [Link]

He's an idiot for putting cash in a safe deposit box. Doesn't he know that the safest place to keep your money is under your mattress? That way, you can sleep well at night, knowing that the lump is still there.

But I also blame the bank. They were negligent in three ways: (1) They used wooden safe deposit boxes; (2) they didn't warn customers adequately; and (3) they failed to install mini security cameras to watch for termites.

No matter whom you blame, you've got to feel sorry for Prasad.

Reporter: "Mr. Prasad, what are your plans now? Are you going to be able to retire?"

Prasad: "No, I can't afford to retire. I'm going to start a second career."

Reporter: "A second career? What are you going to do?"

Prasad: "I'm going to be an exterminator."

Reporter: "You're going to kill termites?"

Prasad: "No, bankers."

They won Miss India, but can they act?

In case you missed it, Parvathy Omanakuttan was crowned the Pantaloons Femina Amul Butter Kingfisher Airlines Tata Motors Miss India World 2008. I know what you're wondering: Is she the first Malayali to win a Miss India contest?

"I am the first Malayali to win a Miss India Contest," said a proud Parvathy Omanakuttan who was crowned Pantaloons Femina Miss India World 2008 at a glittering ceremony in Mumbai. [Link]

Parvathy will represent India in the Miss World contest, where she will undoubtedly say, "I am the first Malayali to compete in the Miss World contest."

Simran Kaur Mundi, who won the PFMI Miss Universe 2008, said, "I was not even supposed to participate this year." The biotech graduate was working with a cinema chain in Mumbai when an unexpected audition changed her life. "I am feeling great right now," she said, ecstatic.

Harshita Saxena, who abandoned a BBA Degree in Canada to pursue her Miss India dreams, carried away the PFMI Miss Earth title. "It’s a victory for Goa. I still can’t believe it and am waiting to meet my friends and family," she said. [Link]

I'm confused. If Simran won the Miss India Universe title and Parvathy won the Miss India World title and Harshita won the Miss India Earth title, who the heck won the Miss India Galaxy title?

The big question is whether any of these ladies will become Bollywood actresses, following in the footsteps of former winners such as Sushmita Sen, Aishwarya Rai, Priyanka Chopra, Dia Mirza and Gul Panag. Let's ask them.

Me: "Ladies, congratulations on winning your titles. I have a question for you: Are you interested in becoming Bollywood stars?"

Parvathy: "I am the first Malayali to be asked that question."

Simran: "Yes, of course. I want to follow in the footsteps of Aishwarya."

Harshita: "Would I get to meet Shahrukh?"

Me: "It sounds like you're all interested in becoming Bollywood stars. So tell me, are you interested in taking acting lessons?"

Parvathy: "I am the first Malayali to be interested in taking acting lessons."

Simran: "As I said before, I want to follow in the footsteps of Aishwarya. So no acting lessons for me."

Harshita: "Would I get to meet Shahrukh?"

Cows, pigs, dogs and other livestock

Somewhere on the Internet is a list of tips for westerners traveling to South Korea. And I'm pretty sure the list includes this piece of advice: If you go to an ordinary roadside restaurant, don't expect to be served burgers and fries or other western food. Order hot dog instead.

SEOUL (AFP) - The Seoul city government is seeking to classify man's best friend as livestock in order to set food safety standards for South Korean lovers of dogmeat, officials say.

Somewhere between two and four million dogs are estimated to be consumed in South Korea every year but the slaughtering and processing is carried out in dirty environments and poses a risks to diners' health, they said.

Since dogs are not currently classed as livestock there are no hygiene regulations on their slaughter, officials said.

"Dogs are consumed in their millions in this country every year. That's a fact. We have to take care of this situation," said Lee Hae-Woo, head of the city government's department of food safety.

"We plan to recommend to the central government that dogs are classified as livestock," he told AFP. "This is like a hot potato but we don't pretend the issue does not exist." [Link]

A hot potato? Ah yes, remember back in the 17th century when potatoes were not yet classified as food?

The potato was carried on to Italy and England about 1585, to Belgium and Germany by 1587, to Austria about 1588, and to France around 1600. Wherever the potato was introduced, it was considered weird, poisonous, and downright evil. In France and elsewhere, the potato was accused of causing not only leprosy, but also syphilis, narcosis, scronfula, early death, sterillity, and rampant sexuality, and of destroying the soil where it grew. There was so much opposition to the potato that an edict was made in the town of Besancon, France stating:"In view of the fact that the potato is a pernicious substance whose use can cause leprosy, it is hereby forbidden, under pain of fine, to cultivate it." [Link]          

I don't expect dogmeat to ever be as popular as potatoes, not even if restaurants serve it with ketchup and call it "Man's Best Fried." But some folks might change their attitude if the Dog Producers Association spent a few million bucks on a good advertising campaign and created a catchy slogan, such as: "Dogmeat: Bite it before it bites you."

Perhaps they also need to stop calling it "dogmeat." If cow meat is marketed as beef and pig meat is marketed as pork, it only makes sense for dogmeat to be marketed as dorf. And maybe, just maybe, if the advertising campaign is successful, dorf will be served at the Waldorf.

Chances are, however, dogmeat will never be popular in any country where dogs are widely kept as pets. And that's understandable. But unless you're a vegetarian, you probably shouldn't feel indignant toward any South Koreans, Chinese or others, even if they call themselves dog lovers. It's all what you're used to, really. If I was swimming in the ocean and came across a lobster, no way would I be saying to myself, "Mmmm ... yummy!" No, I'd be saying, "Help! Mummy!"

It's good to be adventurous in your eating habits, because you never know when you might get stuck on some remote island, just you and your faithful dog, Rover.

So if you happen to come across some dogmeat in an Asian restaurant, go ahead and take a small bite. Just a teeny-weeny bite. As people who own chihuahuas and dachshunds will tell you, a little dog never hurt anyone.

Photo by Jutta Hendry

I can't bring Halle Berry home anymore

If she's on the cover of a men's magazine like Esquire and GQ, I can't bring Halle Berry home. Not just Halle but other female stars such as Jessica Biel, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Esquire publishes some of the best in-depth feature stories in American journalism, but often puts a scantily clad woman on the cover. Back when I was a single guy with no children, I MAY have liked such covers, and by "MAY," I mean "Most Affirmatively Yes." I MAY have subscribed to Esquire, MAY have stuck the Halle Berry cover on my wall and MAY have written a letter to Esquire, complaining that they had made Halle wear too much.

But these days, I have two young daughters and want them to know that they need not dress like that to get attention. I want them to know that they can get on a magazine cover or be successful without using their faces or bodies to sell themselves. I want them to know that they can be like Ellen Degeneres and grace the cover of TV Guide, be like Annie Leibovitz and grace the cover of Newsweek, and be like Ann Coulter and disgrace the cover of Time. Well, maybe Coulter is a bad example, especially since I don't want my girls to stay in the kitchen and Coulter is always trying to "stir up the pot."

I'd like to subscribe to a magazine that puts all sorts of successful women on the cover, not just actresses and singers. And if one of my daughters chooses to be an actress or singer, I'd like her to know that she can act or sing magnificently without showing any skin, that Norah Jones would sound just as melodious in a burka. I'd like her to know that, even wearing a business suit, millions of people MAY still admire her.

Will Mugabe 'take' off like the Clintons did?

When Bill and Hillary Clinton left the White House in January 2001, after eight years of living in rent-free luxury, conservatives were in a tizzy over reports that the Clintons not only trashed the house, but also made off with furnishings that didn't belong to them. It turned out that the reports of vandalism were untrue, and that Bill Clinton had mistakenly assumed that the Oval Office desk belonged to him. After all, no other president had spent so much time under it. Actually, Clinton didn't take the desk, but he and Hillary did take scores of other items that apparently were gifts to the White House, not to them.

Reporter: "Did you take items from the White House that didn't belong to you?"

Bill Clinton: "It depends on what your definition of 'take' is."

Reporter: "Did you move them to your new home?"

Clinton: "No, I didn't. I didn't move anything."

Reporter: "Did the moving company move them for you?"

Clinton: "Yes, the moving company did. But we have reprimanded them. And we're returning some items, paying for some items, and donating some items."

Reporter: "Who are you donating to?"

Clinton: "Uh ... Chelsea."

After they were criticized for taking $190,000 worth of china, flatware, rugs, televisions, sofas and other gifts with them when they left, the Clintons announced last week that they would pay for $86,000 worth of gifts, or nearly half the amount.

Their latest decision to send back $28,000 in gifts brings to $114,000 the value of items the Clintons have either decided to pay for or return. [Link]

It makes me wonder what's going to happen in Zimbabwe when Robert and Grace Mugabe move out of the State House, as they might do very soon, if Mugabe and his supporters can't manipulate election results. The 84-year-old leader has been in power for 28 years and has probably put his name on everything in the State House, including the kitchen sink.

Mugabe: "We need to take everything. Everything must go: sofas, chairs, beds, lights, plates, cups, bowls ..."

Grace: "All the bowls?"

Mugabe: "Yes, yes, all the bowls, even the toilet bowls."

Grace: "What about the tables?"

Mugabe: "Yes, yes, all the tables, even the vegetables."

Grace: "What about the pets?"

Mugabe: "Yes, yes, all the pets, even the carpets."