FunnyColumns

V.S. Naipaul deserves another award

I just read a couple of excerpts from The World Is What It Is, Patrick French's biography of Nobel Prize-winning writer Sir V.S. Naipaul. The first excerpt concerns Naipaul's relationship with three women: his late wife, Pat; his mistress of 23 years, Margaret Gooding; and his current wife, Nadira, who virtually became his fiancée before Pat's death.

After the cremation, Vidia returned to Dairy Cottage and took photographs of Pat's meagre possessions: her bed, her spectacles, her shoes, her medicines, and the snow outside. Angela the housekeeper went to Sainsbury's to buy food: cheese, Cox's apples, black and green olives. Vidia noted on the receipt: "The olives were for Nadira, arriving on the 9th Feb." A local taxi drove Vidia up to Heathrow to collect Nadira, while Angela, shocked to the core, prepared the food for his bride. And so it was that on the day after he had cremated his wife, V.S. Naipaul invited a new woman into her house—or his house—and the funeral green olives did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. [Link]

His actions may seem cold and callous, but we have to remember, this is Sir V.S. Naipaul we're talking about, the greatest living writer, a man whose presence in the world is a blessing to us, and the least we can do to show our gratitude is ensure that he isn't for a single day deprived of sex.

The second excerpt concerns Naipaul's visits to India, his ancestral land.

Travelling through the country, Vidia milked his hosts for information, and was happy to dismiss many of them afterwards as fools and idlers. In his journal, he noted: "One felt the irrelevance of this middle-class element, so parasitic...offering nothing of value really, speaking only to their own group. (Prem Shankar) Jha assaulted me. He allowed no conversation to develop. No idea was explored. He was the Indian journalist making simple patterns of simple facts. Such shoddy ideas adrift in this society." Prem Shankar Jha remembered, "He was always looking for offence, looking for the hidden barb. He had already decided what he wanted to say, and was looking for evidence." [Link]

We have to remember, this is Sir V.S. Naipaul we're talking about, the greatest living writer, a man of such eminence, we should be bottling his pee for future generations.

We should be in awe of his wisdom. We should marvel at whatever he writes, whatever he says, whatever he spews.

We should also give him another award. The Nobel Prize just isn't good enough. Too many writers get it, authors who could only dream to write books good enough for him to sneeze on. What we need is a special award, one that will be named after him and distinguish him forever: The Naipaul Prize for the Greatest Living Writer Who's Also An Asshole.

Tips on doing business in India

The Delaware-based Produce Marketing Association has compiled some information on India to help members who want to conduct business there. It includes some tips that are fairly accurate, but require a little clarification.

It is common to begin meetings with small talk. In India, inquiring about family shows friendliness. Conversations are a way for your India counterparts to get to know and feel comfortable with you. Small talk is also used to help build relationships. Good conversation topics include politics, cricket, films, and Indian Economic Reform. Indian traditions and history are also welcomed topics. Try to avoid discussing Pakistan, poverty in India, and religions.

You may mention Pakistan, but only in the context of cricket and only if India has just beaten Pakistan. If Pakistan has just beaten India (as is often the case), limit your cricket references to statements such as: "I hope a swarm of crickets descend upon Pakistan."

Gift giving is customary in business culture. ... Hindus should not be given gifts made of leather; whereas, Muslims should not be given gifts made of pigskin or alcoholic products.

Gifts made of pigskin should be avoided at all costs. You may also want to avoid giving bottles of pigs' feet. (No matter a person's religion.)

This is a hierarchical culture, so greet the eldest or most senior person first. Also when leaving a group, each person must be bid farewell individually.

If you greet anyone out of order, you must start again from the beginning.

Shaking hands is common, especially in the large cities among the more educated who are accustomed to dealing with westerners.

If someone extends a hand in rural areas, do not try to shake it. Put some money in it.

Business cards are exchanged using your right hand after the initial handshake and greeting. Be sure to present the text facing the recipient. Also receive business cards with the right hand.

Remember: Use your right hand to conduct business and your left hand to do your business.

The word "no" has harsh implications in India. Evasive refusals are more common, and are considered more polite. Never directly refuse an invitation, a vague "I’ll try" is an acceptable refusal.

"I vill try" is even better.

If invited to your Indian counterpart’s home, you should arrive on time and remove your shoes before entering.

Please do not remove anything else. At least not until you get to know your host better.

Photo by jasmined

King Kong and the Vogue cover

When Tom Withers of the Associated Press wrote that basketball star Lebron James was to appear on the April cover of Vogue magazine, this is how he described it:

Wearing a tank top, shorts and sneakers from his own Nike clothing line, James appears on the cover dribbling a basketball and screaming as if in game mode while throwing one arm around supermodel Gisele Bundchen with Tom Brady nowhere to be found. [Link]

Lebron holding Tom's girlfriend and screaming. Innocent enough, right? Not so fast. The cover, shot by acclaimed photographer Annie Leibovitz, has caused some people to scream foul, saying that the pose reminds them too much of King Kong carrying Fay Wray.

"It conjures up this idea of a dangerous black man," said Tamara Walker, 29, of Philadelphia.

... magazine analyst Samir Husni believes the photo was deliberately provocative, adding that it "screams King Kong." Considering Vogue's influential history, he said, covers are not something that the magazine does in a rush.

"So when you have a cover that reminds people of King Kong and brings those stereotypes to the front, black man wanting white woman, it's not innocent," he said. [Link]

Perhaps I didn't watch enough of King Kong, but the cover doesn't make me think of a giant ape holding a helpless damsel. First of all, Gisele looks hardly helpless. Secondly, Lebron looks like just another basketball player, screaming on the court, probably saying something like: "Look what I've got on my arm, dawg. Yeah, cost me five grand at the tattoo parlor."

Goodness gracious, I've won the lottery!

I don't know how it happened, but I've won a lottery. I just got an email from the desk of the vice president of International Promotions in the Prize Awards Department of the Australian International Sweepstakes Lottery Corp.

You hereby have been approved a prize of US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION DOLLARS) in cash credit file ref: ILP/HW 47509/02 from the total cash prize shared amongst eight lucky winners in this category. All participants were selected through a computer balloting system drawn from One hundred thousand E-mail addresses from Canada, Australia, United States, Asia, Europe, Middle East and Africa as part of our international promotions program which is conducted annually.

Wow, that's fantastic.  I love the Australians. Such generous people. I have only one question: Should I quit my job now or wait until I get the money?

This Lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate of some multinational companies in Australia as part of their social responsibility to the citizens in the communities where they have operational base.

I've always believed in social responsibility, especially the type of social responsibility that gives me one million bucks.

Further more your details(e-mail address) falls within our European representative office in Amsterdam,Holland, as indicated in your play coupon and your prize of US$1,000,000.00 will be released to you from our Australian regional branch bureau in NIGERIA.

The money will be released from Nigeria? That's wonderful! I grew up in Africa, so this must be some kind of divine providence. Did I mention that Australia and Nigeria are my favorite countries?

Simply contact our Fiducial Agent, DR. Felix Williams.at (ausllotto_agent004@yahoo.com) to file for your claim. Please quote your Date of draw, Reference Number, Batch Number and Winning Number, which can be found on the top-left corner of this message. Also, you should give in your telephone number to help locate your file easily. For security reasons, we advice all winners to keep this information confidential from the public until your claim is processed and your prize has been released to you.

Of course I'll keep it confidential. I won't tell a soul, except for my wife, children and extended family. My wife is going to be so excited.

Me: "One million bucks, honey! And I didn't even have to buy a ticket!"

Malathi: "Are you sure it's real?"

Me: "Of course it's real. Just look at the email address of their Fiducial Agent: ausllotto_agent004@yahoo.com. Doesn't that look real?"

Malathi: "Oh, I'm so happy! I can't wait to tell my relatives. I never told you this before, but some of them actually believed that marrying you would never pay off."

Me: "That's amazing!"

Malathi: "What's amazing? That some of them thought you'd never be a success?"

Me: "No, that some of them thought I would."

Photo by tobym

Robert Mugabe: A leader in denial

It's hard to imagine an economy in worse shape than Zimbabwe's. The country, which is having a presidential election on Saturday, was once the bread basket of Africa. Nowadays, few people get to eat bread, even if they have a ton of dough.

The Spar supermarket has bread at only $7 million a loaf. People rush to the shelf duly marked $7 million, but by the time they reach the till with their hyper-inflated Zimbabwean dollars, the price is up to $25 million.

That equals just 62 American cents, more than a teacher makes in a week. "How can we afford to eat that?" a woman exclaims. Customers leave their loaves at the counter and walk out with their brick-sized bundles of bank notes, angry and disconsolate. [Link]

Question: What do you call a Zimbabwean man who wins $25 million in the lottery?

Answer: The breadwinner of the family.

President Robert Mugabe has helped drag his country's economy into the ditch, but he nevertheless  hopes to return to office, apparently believing that, even at 84 years of age, he still has enough energy to dig a deeper ditch. "Let's give him a chance," his supporters seem to be saying. "Twenty-eight years isn't enough."

But does Mugabe really want to turn things around? He seems to think Zimbabwe is doing well as it is.

Mugabe rarely gives interviews to independent journalists but spoke for two-and-a half hours to Heidi Holland last December for her book, Dinner with Mugabe.

She concluded that Mugabe was profoundly out of touch, surrounded by sycophants too scared to tell him the truth about the dire state of Zimbabwe.

When Holland suggested that the economy was in a mess, Mugabe angrily insisted that Zimbabwe was "a hundred times better" than most African countries.

"Outside South Africa, what country is like Zimbabwe?" Mugabe said. "Even now. What is lacking now are goods on the shelves, perhaps, that's all. But the infrastructure is there. We have our mines, you see. We have our enterprises." [Link]

Do you know what Americans would do if they went to the grocery store and found the shelves bare? They'd barbecue the president for dinner.

Then again, Mugabe meat may not taste as good as Bushmeat.

Photo by Sokwanele

There she is, Miss Landmine Survivor

Women who survived landmines in Angola will soon be taking part in a new beauty contest, Miss Landmine Survivor, not to be confused with the contest in Zimbabwe: Land-is-mine Survivor. The Angolan contest already has a major edge over Miss Universe: Donald Trump won't be present. 

The pageant has been organised by Angola's de-mining commission, and aims to restore the confidence of victims and raise awareness of their plight.

Millions of mines were planted in Angola during a 27-year civil war that ended in 2002.

The "Miss Landmine Survivor" contest will be held on 2 April in a luxury hotel in the Angolan capital, Luanda.

Eighteen women will take part, one from every province in the country.

All of the contestants have been maimed by landmines. [Link]

A contest in which you're expected to be missing a limb? Sure beats a contest in which you're expected to be missing a brain.

Actually, you can compete for Miss Landmine Survivor without missing an entire limb. And you can compete for Miss Universe without missing an entire brain.

It's really a myth that beauty contestants are dumb. Many of them are quite intelligent. And I say that not because I've studied their IQs or something, but because I don't want to get an ass-kicking from my cousin Rani Jeyaraj, a former Miss India. My very very smart cousin (who was born in Zambia).

The co-ordinator of Angola's de-mining commission, Madalena Neto, says the aim of the competition is to restore self-esteem in women injured in mine explosions, and to show that there is beauty in all people. [Link]

Yes, there's beauty in all people -- and it's not always on the outside. Sometimes you have to search a little deeper. And if you're wise enough to do the searching, you'll be rewarded far greater than those who don't.

Column: Lock up the dissidents, the Olympics are coming

As the 2008 Summer Olympics approach, many people are scratching their heads and asking, "How in heaven's name was Beijing selected as the host city?" The answer is simple: Beijing was chosen because Baghdad was unavailable. Actually, the International Olympic Committee wanted to encourage China to emulate previous hosts and pursue democratic principles. China, in turn, pledged to be good hosts, promising to make athletes and other guests comfortable and, for at least three weeks, suspend all human rights abuses.

It's a good arrangement, really, opening the door for future Olympics to be held in places such as Tehran, Iran, and Pyongyang, North Korea. I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to the 2020 Guantánamo Bay Olympics. By then, waterboarding will be an official event.

The Beijing Olympics are destined to be the most successful games in Olympic history. And if you don't believe me, just ask any Chinese journalist who isn't in prison. "Best Olympics ever," they will say. "That's what we've been told."

If you're a foreign journalist who disagrees, that's okay. You have the freedom to say what you want, while people in China have the freedom to believe whatever their government lets them.

The university gift with strings attached

If you went to college in America, you probably spent a small fortune on books, perhaps even more than you spent on beer. The books --  almost always new hardback editions -- were required reading in various courses. Well, what if you found out that a particular book was required not by a professor but a university donor? You wouldn't be pleased, would you? I'd be utterly furious, especially if it was one of the books that I actually read.

According to the Charlotte Observer, at least one university donor has prescribed a book for students and it's none other than Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged."

As a college student in Chapel Hill, John Allison stumbled across a collection of essays by Ayn Rand and was hooked by her philosophy of self-interest and limited government. As he rose over the decades to chief executive of BB&T, one of the country's leading regional banks, Rand remained his muse.

He's trying to replicate that encounter through the charitable arm of his Winston-Salem-based company, which since 1999 has awarded more than $28 million to 27 colleges to support the study of capitalism from a moral perspective.

But on at least 17 of those campuses, including UNC Charlotte, N.C. State and Johnson C. Smith University, the gifts come with an unusual stipulation: Rand's novel, "Atlas Shrugged," is included in a course as required reading.

The schools' agreements have drawn criticism from some faculty, who say it compromises academic integrity. In higher education, the power to decide course content is supposed to rest with professors, not donors. Debate about the gifts, which arose at UNCC this month, illustrates tensions that exist over corporate influence on college campuses.

UNCC received its $1 million gift pledge in 2005, but details about the "Atlas Shrugged" requirement came to light as the school dedicated an Ayn Rand reading room March 12.

"It's going to make us look like a rinky-dink university," UNCC religious studies professor Richard Cohen said Thursday after UNCC Chancellor Phil Dubois told the faculty council about the gift. "It's like teaching the Bible as a requirement." [Link]

You mean UNCC isn't a rinky-dink university? If not, then imagine what's happening at the hundreds of actual rinky-dink universities and colleges in America, including the ones I attended. Surely donors are not just putting their names on buildings, walls and scholarships, but also "suggesting" what ideas should be taught and where professors can stick academic integrity.

If UNCC and the other 16 universities had an ounce of integrity left, they'd give John Allison a message: "Sorry, Mr. Allison, but we've decided that the only Rand you can force on us is the South African kind."

Shocking News: American TV anchor asks about Iraqi dead

I was watching CNN last night and Rick Sanchez (pictured) was interviewing correspondent Michael Ware about the milestone that had just been reached: 4,000 American soldiers killed in Iraq. Then Sanchez absolutely stunned me. He asked about the Iraqi dead. I fell off the couch.

SANCHEZ: Let me ask you, Michael. Michael, I just want to interrupt you for a moment, because since we're talking of numbers, I want to ask you about something that rarely is talked about on network television in the United States. And that is, the 4,000 Americans is serious enough. But is it your understanding that the number of dead Iraqis would, what, double, triple? Or what would it do? What is that number? Do you know it?

WARE: Well, Rick, no one can give you a figure of the number of Iraqi souls that have been lost in the five years so far of this conflict. But it's exponentially greater than two or three or even ten times this terrible number of American casualties. We're talking about -- on conservative estimates between 80 thousand to 100,000 Iraqis have lost their lives.

And that's not to mention more than 4 million Iraqis are displaced from their homes. 2 million are lost here in Iraq wanting to return home. 2 million more plus are beyond this country's border and there seems little hope that any of them to return.

And the entire social fabric of this country has been torn asunder with a legacy of this war that it's now divided along sectarian lines, Sunni versus Shiite, when it never was before. Not even under Saddam. So the impact and the toll that this conflict has taken on these countries is almost immeasurable. [Transcript]

Some may fault Sanchez for saying "double, triple" and appearing grossly ignorant, but I'd like to give him a pat on the back. After all, we all know who the really ignorant people are: the ones who don't ask any questions and keep believing it's "double, triple."

The second fattest country in the world

If America is the fattest country in the world, you'll never guess which is the second fattest. No, it's not India, though it's got a middle class that's bulging in more ways than one. The second fattest country is a lot like India, a developing country full of brown people who love spicy food.

Fueled by the rising popularity of soft drinks and fast-food restaurants, Mexico has become the second fattest nation in the world. Mexican health officials say it could surpass the U.S. as the most obese country within 10 years if trends continue.

More than 71 percent of Mexican women and 66 percent of Mexican men are overweight, according to the latest national surveys. [Link]

I'm not sure how they define "overweight" or whether they considered the rate of obesity in determining the "second fattest nation." But these findings should, at a minimum, put to rest the myth that most Mexicans spend a lot of time running across the border. Many, like Francisco Princegali, can barely run to the refrigerator.

Francisco Princegali knew he was eating too much junk food when he bent down last week and heard a tear.

"I ripped my pants because of the fat," said Princegali, who's 20, crumbling up a wrapper of sweetened bread he'd purchased from a vendor. "I think I'm addicted to junk food."

Princegali, sucking in his stomach, said that many of his pants were too tight these days. Some people are addicted to alcohol and smoking, he said: "My problem is I love fried chicken— Kentucky Fried Chicken ." [Link]

You ripped your pants while bending over, Francisco? You obviously haven't been fat for long. Otherwise you'd know better than to bend over. If you drop something, you shouldn't bother picking it up, not unless it's a piece of fried chicken or something.

Photo by malias

Give him sex, get your green card

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer broke the law and cheated on his wife when he hired a prostitute. But paying for sex -- especially paying $1,000 an hour -- seems a lot more honorable than what another New Yorker has allegedly been doing. Isaac R. Baichu, 46, an immigrant from Guyana, has used his power as an immigration adjudicator to try to coerce at least one woman to have sex with him.

He hinted, she said, at his power to derail her life and deport her relatives, alluding to a brush she had with the law before her marriage. He summoned her to a private meeting. And at noon on Dec. 21, in a parked car on Queens Boulevard, he named his price — not realizing that she was recording everything on the cellphone in her purse.

“I want sex,” he said on the recording. “One or two times. That’s all. You get your green card. You won’t have to see me anymore.” [Link]

I'll never understand how any man can force a woman to have sex with him and actually enjoy it. If you were so desperate for sex, Isaac, why didn't you do what so many other men do -- get yourself a girlfriend, even if yours would undoubtedly be inflatable?

The agent insisted that she had to trust him. “I wouldn’t ask you to do something for me if I can’t do something for you, right?” he said, and reasoned, “Nobody going to help you for nothing,” noting that she had no money. [Link]

Nobody's going to help you for nothing? I don't know about that, Isaac. Your fellow Guyanese immigrant, Veeramuthu Kalimuthu, just saved a man's life for nothing. He's a true hero. I'm sure you've come across a hero or two in your time, even if it was just at the sandwich shop.

He described himself as the single father of a 10-year-old daughter, telling her, “I need love, too,” and predicting, “You will get to like me because I’m a nice guy.” [Link]

You've got to give him credit. He has really boosted the reputation of men, because if he qualifies as a nice guy, most of us qualify for sainthood.

That's Mr. Willie to you

I don't usually mind when youngsters call me by my first name, but perhaps if I was elderly, I might feel a little uncomfortable.

Hospital staff are being urged to stop addressing patients by their first names.

The head of the British Medical Association said that too many nurses and doctors were making elderly patients feel uncomfortable by using first names, when many preferred to be addressed more formally.

Dr Hamish Meldrum said: "I have noticed it especially in residential homes, where you will get a wee young girl addressing a man of 90 by his first name, not realising that he is clearly uncomfortable with that." [Link]

I'm sure this lack of respect manifests itself in so many ways.

Old man: "Please, nurse, show some respect. Don't just say 'Willie.' You've got to say 'Mr. Willie.'"

Young nurse: "Okay, okay, whatever you say. Please pull your pants down. I need to examine Mr. Willie."

The BMA chairman, who is a GP, urged every doctor and nurse to ask patients how they liked to be addressed.

Dr Meldrum made his comments after The Sunday Telegraph received a flood of letters from readers who felt patronised by the use of first names by hospital staff.

Pamela Davis, from Crewkerne, Somerset, wrote: "I was asked whether I preferred to be called 'Mrs Davis' or 'Pamela'. I said 'Mrs Davis' and was then called 'Pam' throughout my stay." [Link]

I wouldn't want a nurse to shorten my first name either. Perhaps I'd have to put a sign on the wall: "Call me 'Mr. Durai' if you want to be respectful. Call me 'Melvin' if you want to be friendly. Call me 'Mel' if you want to lock the door behind you and be 'extra friendly.'"

Wear black pajamas, watch the funeral online

You can watch just about anything online these days, especially if you're willing to pay for it. You can even pay your last respects to a loved one.

Mourners unable to attend their loved ones' funerals now have a chance to see the event live on the internet.

The pioneering scheme has been launched because family members are often spread across the globe.

A website allows relatives and friends the opportunity to pay their last respects without travelling to the ceremony.

Services are already being streamed on to the web from the first eight participating crematoriums in the UK, with remote mourners paying £75.

Users are given a password that allows them to see the service live online with just a 20-second delay – or up to seven days after the event.

The funerals are filmed by a discreet camera at the back of the chapel. [Link]

For an extra fee, you can probably get the funeral director to do some commentary. "Great eulogy! Lots of emotion! It's obvious that she really cared for her father. Don't touch that keyboard. The widow is coming up next."

The company behind the scheme – Wesley Music, based in Kettering, Northamptonshire – is also offering DVDs of the funerals for £50, or a sound recording for £25. [Link]

I can already hear the commentary at my funeral: "Nobody wanted to make a DVD of him when he was alive, but now that he's dead, we expect to sell hundreds of them."

Director Alan Jeffrey says online funerals are an extra option for mourners rather than a money-spinning venture and similar schemes are already on offer in Australia and Brazil.

He added: "Families are split geographically more than ever and far-flung members are feeling excluded from such an important gathering. The idea originated out of helping an elderly relative in Australia who could not make it back here for a family funeral. [Link]

People who live too far away will certainly benefit, but so will people who are too busy or too lazy.

Dave: "Sorry to hear about your uncle, Bob. He was such a nice man. Did you go to the funeral?"

Bob: "No, Liverpool was playing. But I did order the DVD."

Dave: "Super! Let me know when you watch it. I'd like to come and pay my respects."

Photo by Simon East

Veeramuthu Kalimuthu, the 5-foot-5, 150-pound hero

Heroes come in all shapes and sizes, all names and nationalities. Sometimes they're named Jeremy Hernandez, sometimes they're named Glen Pearson, and sometimes they're named Veeramuthu Kalimuthu.

Veeramuthu Kalimuthu -- or Kali – is a mechanic at Columbia University. His recent actions make him a hero in the truest sense of the word. And if not for someone else coming forward to tell his story, the public would never know what he did on March 14.

At around 5 p.m. that day he headed to the downtown No. 1 train at 116th Street in Morningside Heights to go home to Jamaica.

"I heard everybody was screaming, you know, and everybody was running in different direction," Kalimuthu said.

A man had fallen onto the tracks from the opposite platform, all the way on the other side of the station.

"People were getting their cell phones out trying to call the police, somebody's got to help him and then I looked over and I saw the gentlemen Kali jump down, hop over the rails," said witness Ed Dijoseph, who brought Kali's story to CBS 2 HD. [Link]

This is what heroes do. While other people are getting on their cell phones or searching for someone else to help, heroes jump into action, without thinking much about their own safety. "Someone's in trouble -- I gotta help," they say to themselves, showing the same enthusiasm many of us show at work: "Someone's brought donuts -- I gotta eat!"

Pulling the trigger on sterilizations

Men in one Indian district are being offered a loaded weapon if they agree to unload another. Well, sort of.

A scheme that trades one male status symbol for another has achieved a large rise in the number of men undergoing vasectomies in a bandit-ridden region of central India.

Shivpuri district in the state of Madhya Pradesh, an overpopulated area renowned for its machismo culture, has started to offer fast-tracked gun licences for those who agree to be sterilised.

“This is a state with a high number of dacoits [bandits], where people like to keep rifles,” Manish Shrivastav, the administrative chief of Shivpuri and originator of the lateral thinking behind the plan, said.

“It also has a low level of vasectomies because of a perceived notion of manliness. I decided to match that with a bigger symbol of manliness — a gun licence. It has been a success.”

The results are impressive: 139 men have undergone vasectomies in the district since the incentive of a firearms permit was introduced a month ago, compared with only eight in 2007. [Link]

It must have been a tough choice for some men, deciding between the right to bear arms and the right to bear children. "Let me see ... the gun will not take care of me in my old age, but on the other hand, I will very rarely have to wipe its underside."

As population-control strategies go, this one is ingenious. Not only are you getting men sterilized, so they won't increase the population, you're letting them have guns, so they might help decrease it.

Photo by Simonov

Iowa man sentenced to church

An Iowa man with a long criminal history has been sentenced to church. Instead of serving time in prison, he will endure the pastor's sermons for eight consecutive Sundays.

With a lengthy and violent criminal record to his name, Pachino Hill is going to church.

Hill, 29, of Davenport was sentenced Wednesday by Scott County Associate Judge Christine Dalton to a counseling program offered by Third Missionary Baptist Church. She also ordered him to attend church there eight consecutive Sundays, to pay a fine and be on probation for one year.

If he doesn’t comply, he faces up to two years in prison for eluding and driving while barred. The charges are the result of a police chase from Rock Island to Davenport in October.

“Let’s give it a shot,” Dalton said of the counseling program plan presented to her by Hill’s attorney, Brenda Drew-Peeples, and supported by Rogers Kirk, pastor at Third Missionary. “I’m all about one more chance.”

The counseling program, Drew-Peeples said, is a chance for Hill to gain role models who are responsible men and are contributing to society.

“I believe God has a plan for Pachino Hill’s life, and I believe it’s coming to fruition,” she said.

Prosecutor Marc Gellerman did not object to the counseling program but did request that Hill attend church services.

“I would think that listening to Rev. Kirk every Sunday would be very beneficial for Mr. Hill,” Gellerman said, adding that Hill reaching out to Kirk “says a lot.” [Link]

While some people are concerned that the sentence violates the principle of separation of church and state, others are concerned that it might result in the separation of church and offering plate.

Meanwhile, two clergymen of other faiths had mixed reactions to the sentencing. "It's better for him to go to church," said Priest Ravi Maniar of the local Hindu Temple. "If he comes here, he will not suffer enough."

But Rabbi Ben Horrowitz of Temple Beth El objected to the sentencing. "It's so unfair," he said. "Why not give us a chance to increase our congregation? We know Mr. Hill isn't a Jew, but he can at least pretend to be one for eight weeks."

How to tell if you're interviewing Hillary Clinton

Journalists mess up now and then. It just happens -- even when you're trying your best to get everything right. Perhaps you wrote "Hilary" instead of "Hillary." Perhaps you said "Hillary made her speech at 9 p.m." when she really made her speech at 8 p.m. And perhaps -- if your day is really going poorly -- you interviewed the wrong Hillary.

It was incorrectly reported in Tuesday’s Tribune Chronicle that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton answered questions from voters in a local congressman’s office.

Reporter John Goodall, who was assigned to the story, spoke by telephone with Hillary Wicai Viers, who is a communications director in U.S. Rep. Charlie Wilson’s staff. According to the reporter, when Viers answered the phone with ‘‘This is Hillary,’’ he believed he was speaking with the Democratic presidential candidate, who had made several previous visits to the Mahoning Valley.

The quotes from Viers were incorrectly attributed to Clinton.

Wilson, the 6th District representative, hosted the first of six ‘‘economic listening tours’’ in his office on Boardman Canfield Road Monday. The talks were for people living in Columbiana and Mahoning counties. Wilson’s district stretches from Mahoning County to Scioto on the Kentucky border.

‘‘We rely on reporters to gather accurate information, and in this case, that obviously did not happen,” said Frank Robinson, editor of the paper. He said the the newspaper takes the matter very seriously and the situation is being reviewed. [Link]

As mistakes in journalism go, Goodall's article is a pretty big one (though not as unforgivable as plagiarism). I'm really surprised he didn't know he wasn't interviewing Clinton. Perhaps he didn't get the memo from the Society of Professional Journalists.

MEMO TO ALL JOURNALISTS

Some of our members have asked if there's a way to determine if they're really interviewing Hillary Clinton. Here are some clues. It's not Hillary Clinton if:

1. She answers the phone.

2. The next primary election is in Pennsylvania and you're writing for a small newspaper in Warren, Ohio.

3. She does not use the words "My opponent says ..." and "Under the current administration ..."

4. She can pronounce local names such as "Mahoning" and "Scioto."

5. She makes no reference to the prosperity of the 1990s.

6. She ends the call by saying, "Call me anytime, John. And don't forget to add me on Facebook."

She didn't win, but she's still an Afghan idol

It's called Afghan Star, modeled after all the Idol shows around the world, and if you happened to catch it last Friday, you were probably disappointed to see the plucky 20-year-old, Lima Sahar, voted off. She finished in third place, the highest of any woman in the show's three-year history. If you're an Afghan woman, just singing in public can get people to rail against you, even if you can "bang" it out better than William Hung.

Sahar, who comes from Afghanistan's most conservative tribe -- the Pashtuns, thanked everyone who had voted for her. She also reminded the audience that there had been very little music in Afghanistan in the last two decades, which have been mostly consumed with war.

Under the Taliban regime that was overthrown in 2001, women were not even allowed out of their homes unaccompanied, while music and television were banned. [Link]

Reporter: "People say that the Taliban loves to ban everything. Is that true?"

Taliban leader: "Yes, yes, we love to ban. That's why we have the word 'ban' in Taliban."

Reporter: "What about women's rights? Do you believe in them?"

Taliban leader: "Yes, yes, we do. That's why we have the word 'lib' in Taliban."

"I am very happy to have come in third place," Sahar said on the show broadcast Friday night. "This is an honor for me that the people voted for me. I really thank them and I also congratulate them."

The country's conservative cleric's council has protested to President Hamid Karzai over "Afghan Star" and Indian dramas shown on Tolo TV, the country's most popular station. But younger Afghans say the show is helping women progress. [Link]

Progress comes in small steps. First you let women compete on Afghan Star, then you teach them how to program the VCR ...

Column: Obama belongs to all of us

I have a message for my African-American friends: Stop claiming Barack Obama as one of yours. He's not one of yours. He's one of OURS. In case you haven't checked, Obama isn't just black. He's half-black, half-white and half-Asian. Okay, perhaps he isn't half-Asian, but his step-father was Indonesian, he was raised partly in Indonesia, and most of his clothes are from Asia. So don't you dare laugh when you're driving through Chinatown and see a bumper sticker that says "I'm Voting For Obama. He's Almost Asian!"

If you're Hispanic, you can take pride in him too. Did you know that Obama loves tortilla chips and salsa, and he once sat through an entire Jennifer Lopez movie? Yes, the man has gone to great pains to discover his Hispanic side.

When they make a movie about Obama, you'll see him flying to the White House in a cape, with people gazing up and gasping, "It's a black man! It's a white man! It's everyman!"

Obama identified himself with the African-American community as a young man, partly because he felt a need to belong, and that suits everyone just fine, because we love to put people into neat categories. But his background is quite different from most African-Americans. After all, there aren't many African-Americans who could organize a family reunion and harbor a slight fear that Dick Cheney might show up.

And there aren't many African-Americans who could fly to Africa, host a dinner party for their extended family and have hundreds of people showing up, most of whom are actually related to them.

The "fantastic" and "romantic" war in Afghanistan

George W. Bush puts his foot in his mouth more often than he puts it in his shoe. At least that's how it seems. And for that reason alone, I'm going to miss him when he leaves the White House. I'm going to miss all the goofy moments, all the times when international observers must wonder what Americans were smoking in 2004.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush got an earful on Thursday about problems and progress in Afghanistan where a war has dragged on for more than six years but been largely eclipsed by Iraq.

In a videoconference, Bush heard from U.S. military and civilian personnel about the challenges ranging from fighting local government and police corruption to persuading farmers to abandon a lucrative poppy drug trade for other crops.

Bush heard tales of all-night tea drinking sessions to coax local residents into cooperating, and of tribesmen crossing mountains to attend government meetings seen as building blocks for the country's democracy-in-the-making.

"I must say, I'm a little envious," Bush said. "If I were slightly younger and not employed here, I think it would be a fantastic experience to be on the front lines of helping this young democracy succeed."

"It must be exciting for you ... in some ways romantic, in some ways, you know, confronting danger. You're really making history, and thanks," Bush said. [Link]

I can understand why Bush is "envious." During the Vietnam War, he was forced to serve in the Texas Air National Guard and was never called to Vietnam, though he got on his knees and pleaded with his superiors to send him. Even his influential father, George H. W. Bush, a Congressman at the time, couldn't pull enough strings to get his son into the war. Poor G.W. was stuck in Texas and deprived of the "fantastic experience" of getting bullets fired at him.

Bush was, of course, just giving a pep talk to the personnel in Afghanistan, trying to make them feel better about their situation. And it probably worked with some of them. But others, I imagine, are tired of being over there and wish they could trade places with Bush, at least for a day, so he could find out for himself just how "romantic" the Taliban can be.