FunnyColumns

Jehovah's Witnesses ringing my doorbell again

Many years ago, when your doorbell rang in North America, it was probably a door-to-door salesman, someone trying to sell you the latest household gadget, something that was bound to transform your life, such as a vacuum cleaner powerful enough to not only clean your carpet, but also scare the bejesus out of your dog.

These days, when your doorbell rings, it's probably one of three kinds of people: (1) politicians trying to get you to vote for them; (2) children selling candy to raise money for a school activity or other good cause; or (3) Jehovah's Witnesses trying to save you from eternal damnation.

I got a visit from the latter this morning, a pair of determined fellas who were making the rounds despite bone-chilling weather. They were warmed by the spirit, I suppose. One of them asked if he could read a verse of scripture to me. "Sure," I said. Had they been salesmen, I would have probably said "no thanks" and closed the door. But I don't like to mess with religious people, just in case they have hidden powers. These guys, for example, would probably have the power to get their entire congregation to ring my doorbell. I'd never get any sleep. So anyway, the guy read a verse of scripture, then handed me two magazines, The Watchtower and, as if to threaten me, Awake! "They're very good magazines," the other guy said, as though he was trying to sell me a subscription. I nodded, took the magazines and said goodbye, wondering if I should put the magazines in the same place as I put the previous ones.

When I take my car for an oil change, they usually put a sticker on the windshield inscribed with the odometer reading, so I know when to have the next oil change. I wish the Jehovah's Witnesses would do that -- put a sticker on my door that says: "Last visited on March 1, 2008. Received a scripture reading and copies of the magazines." That way, I wouldn't be due for another visit until March 1, 2009. And when that date rolls around, I could get my wife to open the door.

Photo by Dan Patterson

Column: Too old to rule? Only if you drool

Fidel Castro ruled Cuba for almost 50 years, but the 81-year-old is ailing, so it's not surprising that the presidency of the country has been officially passed to his youthful brother Raul, who is only 76.

Raul's top vice president, Jose Ramon Machado, is young too. The revolutionary leader is only 77. The other five vice presidents are 56, 80, 68, 63 and 71. If you're good at math, you've already figured out that the average age of Cuba's top seven leaders is 70. And you've also realized that there must be something wrong with a political system that doesn't give opportunities to people in their late eighties and nineties.

If you're 93 and want to hold a top political post, you should be given a chance. I say this because one of my readers, Ernestine "Ernie" Stripe, is 93 and she would make a fine Cuban vice president.  (If you're reading this Raul, please appoint Ernie as one of your vice presidents, so people do not accuse you of age discrimination.)

Just because you're old, it doesn't mean you can't be a good leader. Old people have a lot of wisdom and they also have lots of experience doing what politicians do the most: sitting around and talking. They're also good at shaking hands and waving.

Week in Review: Booker, Obama and Fahim

Here's a quick roundup of the week's news:

It's the 40th anniversary of the Booker Prize and, as part of the celebration, they've decided to hand out a Best of the Booker award this year. Among the contenders for the award are Arundhati Roy, author of The God of Small Things (1997) and Salman Rushdie, author of Midnight's Children. Back in 1993, on the 25th anniversary of the prestigious literary award, Rushdie's novel was selected as the Booker of Bookers, setting the stage for Heather Locklear to be selected as the Looker of Lookers and Heidi Fleiss to be selected as the Hooker of Hookers.

Barack Obama cruised to his 11th straight victory over Hillary Clinton in the race to be the Democratic Party's presidential nominee. Obama not only triumphed in Hawaii and Wisconsin, he won the Democrats Abroad primary, as well as the Democrats Underground and Democrats in Outer Space primaries. Clinton did have one victory though, edging out Obama in the Democrats Committed primary.

Republican candidate John McCain spent much of the week denying he had an affair with a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. "At no time have I ever done anything improper," McCain said. Democratic Party spokesman Mike Davis immediately called him a liar and demanded that he explain why he pulled a little girl's hair in kindergarten.

Opposition parties shared a victory in Pakistan's general election, winning at least 154 of the 268 contested seats in the National Assembly. Veteran politician Makhdoom Amin Fahim, 68, is the favorite to become Pakistan's next prime minister, with many party leaders wearing buttons that say: "I'm Fahim. You're Fahim. We're all Fahim!"

The US Navy fired a missile and shot down an out-of-control spy satellite as it traveled over the Pacific Ocean, showing how amazingly precise military technology can be. "It's the type of technology we can use to shoot and kill Osama bin Laden," Navy spokesman John Roberts said. "All we need to do is find a way to get him into outer space."

Ralph Nader announced that he's running for president again as a third-party candidate, hoping to "shift the power from the few to the many." In 2000, Nader, running as a Green Party candidate, won 2.7 percent of the vote, siphoning votes away from Al Gore and bringing George W. Bush into power, causing many Democrats to loathe him and many Republicans to conclude, quite logically, that Nader was responsible for starting the Iraq War. Nader fared worse in 2004, when he ran as an independent candidate and garnered only 0.3 percent of the vote, staging a campaign that received little media attention and mainly consisted of Nader traveling around the country to make speeches in front of members of his extended family.

Photo by Wignut

The professor who plagiarized from students

If you tried to compile a list of university students who've been accused of plagiarism, you'd probably run out of paper. Computers and the internet have made it easy to copy and paste another person's work. And when you have three research papers due tomorrow, the temptation is great, especially when you've set foot in the library only once the entire semester and that was to check out the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Yeah, students plagiarize all the time (not that it's acceptable). But you rarely hear about a professor plagiarizing, perhaps because they're really good at it. I've certainly never heard of a professor plagiarizing from his or her students. Until now, that is.

February 21, 2008 -- The black Columbia University professor who last fall found a hangman's noose pinned to her office door plagiarized the work of another faculty member and two students, according to a school investigation released yesterday.

The plagiarism probe was already under way last year when a 4-foot twine noose was discovered on the door of psychology and education professor Madonna Constantine's office, officials at the university's Teachers College said.

They said they disciplined Constantine for stealing other people's work for articles she published in academic journals.

They cited two dozen instances of plagiarism over the past five years that were substantiated in an 18-month investigation by a Manhattan law firm.

Teachers College spokesman Joe Levine would not say how Constantine was punished, but college officials said her position is secure. [Link]

Her position is secure? That's amazing. What's a professor to do to get fired? If two dozen instances of plagiarism aren't enough, perhaps she needs to try something else, such as lying on her CV.

In a statement e-mailed to Bloomberg News Service yesterday, Constantine said she was the victim of a racist conspiracy.

The school accused her of plagiarism because of the "structural racism that pervades this institution," she charged. "As one of only two tenured black women full professors at Teachers College, it pains me to conclude that I have been specifically and systematically targeted." [Link]

I'm confused. Is she talking about the noose or the plagiarism charges? If she's talking about the noose, then yes, it appears that she's the "victim of a racist conspiracy" and "been specifically and systematically targeted." But if she's talking about the plagiarism charges, well, perhaps she needs to copy and paste a better defense.

At Teachers College earlier this week, a memo that circulated among faculty members about the plagiarism probe thanked a former professor, Christine Yeh, and two former students - Tracy Juliao and Karen Cort - for cooperating.

Juliao, now a health psychologist in Detroit, said she was "shocked" when, as a Columbia student, she saw an article published by Constantine that contained "direct phrases" from her own 2004 dissertation.

"It was unbelievable to me to see my own work published by someone else who I had essentially trusted," she said. "You go in as a student thinking you should be able to trust your faculty." [Link]

Yeah, you never expect your professor to steal from you. It must be a strange feeling, sort of like getting money in the mail from a televangelist or running into a thin person at Old Country Buffet.

Osama is running, but not for the presidency

It happened again, a goof-up by a television network at Barack Obama's expense and this time it wasn't just a typo or slip of the tongue.

NEW YORK - NBC News said Tuesday it has reprimanded the employee responsible for mistakenly flashing a picture of Osama bin Laden on MSNBC as Chris Matthews talked about Barack Obama.

"This mistake was inexcusable," MSNBC spokesman Jeremy Gaines said.

It happened during the opening of "Hardball" Monday evening. Matthews was previewing a story on the controversy over Obama's use of another politician's words, and a picture of bin Laden briefly flashed on the screen beside him with the headline "Words About Words." [Link] [video clip]

Inexcusable indeed. They need to apologize not only to Obama, but also to Osama. He hates America and the last thing he wants his followers to think is that he's running for president.

The Obama campaign immediately called NBC to complain, and Matthews apologized on the air a few minutes later. When "Hardball" was rerun later that night, a picture of Obama replaced the picture of the terrorist leader.

The mistake was made by someone in the network's graphics department whom MSNBC would not identify. The network did not explain exactly how the mistake was made nor detail the punishment for the employee. [Link]

This is what happens when you outsource your graphics to Bangalore. Or maybe it's what happens when you don't outsource your graphics to Bangalore. Whatever the case, it looks like someone's going to be spending the next few months fetching coffee for Keith Olbermann.

Obama spokesman Tommy Vietor noted the apology and said the campaign had no other comment.

It's hardly the first time the presidential candidate and terrorist leader have been confused in the media. CNN apologized last year for promoting a story on the search for bin Laden with the headline, "Where's Obama?"

One other time, CNN's Alina Cho reported that "Barack Obama's campaign has been dogged by false rumors, among them that Osama is a Muslim, Obama rather." [Link]

Perhaps all the networks should give their employees a chart:

Obama                                                           Osama

Loves America                                                Hates America

Running for president                                      Running for his life

Clean-shaven and has nothing on his head         Bearded and has nothing in his head

Graduated from Harvard Law School                 Graduated from Riyadh Elementary School

Has one wife and two daughters                       Has five wives and a soccer team

I survived my daughter's birthday party!

My daughter Divya just turned 4 and we celebrated her birthday on Sunday with a party at home for a dozen of her friends. A few of their parents were over too, so we had quite a full house. The kids had a good time, and everything went fairly well, so I really shouldn't have any complaints. But I do ...

Why does so much food have to be wasted? The kids ate the pizza well, though a few left the crust on their plates, which isn't surprising. But when it came to the cake, forget about it. Several of the kids ate the icing and nothing else, making me wonder if I should have just put four candles on a big tub of icing. Maybe I could have given each of them a bowl of icing.

Why do kids have to get so many gifts? I really would have preferred it if my daughter didn't receive a dozen gifts all at once. Two or three gifts are sufficient. Anything more and she loses interest really quickly. A few of the gifts will inevitably end up at the bottom of the large heap in the toy room, not to be seen until 2010, when my kids conduct their next major excavation. Did I mention that kids today are just too spoiled?

Why do toys have so much packaging? I have two complaints on this front. First, I needed a circular saw and a sledgehammer to break into some of these packages. Not only were the dolls encased in plastic, their arms and legs were tied to a board. Someone in the factory was apparently concerned that the dolls might escape. My second complaint has to do with all the work involved in getting rid of the packaging. I tried to recycle as much as I could, without getting obsessive, but still managed to produce more trash than The Jerry Springer Show. Well, almost.

Our house was sparkling clean right before the party, now it's ready to be declared a federal disaster area. Oh well, at least we won't be having another birthday party for two months, enough time to get the place cleaned up again.

Sorry honey, no roses, chocolate or diamonds

It's Valentine's Day and feeling more lazy than romantic, I haven't yet got my wife anything. There's still time to think of something, either a great gift I can buy or a great excuse she'll buy.

"Most roses in the U.S. are grown in Latin America. And they are grown in a way that uses a lot of chemicals," said Rene Ebersole at the environmental Audubon Magazine. [Link]

"I thought of buying you roses, honey, but then I heard about the pesticides. I wouldn't want anything to hurt you. That's how much I love you."

Ivory Coast, which grows 40 percent of the world's cocoa, has a persistent child labour problem, a U.S. State Department human rights report said. [Link]

"I thought of buying you chocolate, honey, but then I heard about all those poor children, slaving away in Ivory Coast. It just isn't right. I wouldn't want to do anything that might tarnish my feelings for you."

Then what about blood diamonds -- the term referring to gems mined under brutal conditions and sold to support a war effort? [Link]

"I thought of buying you diamonds, honey, but then I heard about all the suffering they had wrought. I just couldn't get myself to do it. My heart would have been filled with guilt, instead of love."

"So what did you get me, Melvin?"

"Well ... uh ... I got you a poem."

"You wrote a poem for me? That's so romantic! Can I hear it?"

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I thought of buying you something
but this will have to do."

Photo by gutter

Column: Scientific research does wonders for our lives

Where would we be without scientific research? Six feet under, probably. I say "probably" because some of us might still be moving around, the ones who've had their ashes scattered in the ocean.

Yes, scientific research is vital to our existence, almost as important as food, oxygen and coffee. But wait a minute, you might say, the cavemen didn't conduct research and they managed just fine. Well, that's not completely true. They did conduct research -- they just didn't think of publishing it. Oongah the caveman, for example, was able to conclude, from counting all the bumps on his head, that it wasn't good for his health to comment on his wife's weight. His wife, meanwhile, was able to conclude that it was possible to make a man change his ways, without resorting to violence. Just by withholding certain favors, you could get him to bang his head against the wall.

Modern research is more sophisticated, of course, and more widespread. Just do an Internet search and you'll come across thousands of studies that have been conducted all over the world, even in Saskatchewan, Canada. A few recent ones underscore the importance of funding scientific research and keeping researchers happy. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my wife is a researcher. She has conducted mostly animal research, including an ongoing experiment on what it's like to be married to one.)

Poor Nasir -- his family bled him dry

I just received an email from Nasir Khalifa. I don't know him, but his subject line said "private message," so I just had to read it.

Greetings, Compliments of the day to you and your family. I am very sorry to embarrass you with this email as I did not mean to intrude in your privacy if not for the peculiar situation I have found myself. I have contacted you because of your resume as I believe you have what it takes to carry out the request I seek of you.

My resumé? How did you get hold of it, Nasir? Do you know someone in the human resources department at Victoria's Secret? If so, please tell them I'm still available for the position of "lingerie model screener."

I am currently suffering from a terminal disease called Hepatitis B and my doctors have informed me that I have a few months to live and I want to try and do something special with my life now that the end is near. Before I was diagnosed with the disease I was a very successful businessman who made a lot of money but also lived a very rough life filled with too much lust for women and more money. In the course of my illness my family members have bled me dry of nearly all my possessions and abandoned me to my fate. I presently have no friend or family as I am all alone in this hospital.

Oh, you poor man. All alone in the hospital. Well, at least you're in one of those modern hospitals that provide you with an internet connection. As long as you have the internet, my friend, you're never alone. We're there for you -- and so is Victoria.

Luckily I have some money totaling five million five hundred thousand us dollars that I had stashed away in a finance facility somewhere in Europe and I would be willing to donate all of it to charity. All I want is for a foundation to be set up in my name so I would always be remembered for my good deeds in life after I pass on. If you are willing to assist you would get a handsome percentage of the money and also a place in heaven as God would abundantly reward you.

Five million five hundred thousand us dollars? Wow, that's a lot of money, and it sounds even bigger when you write it out. How smart of you to stash it in a finance facility! I'm a big believer in saving money in finance facilities.

Of course, I'll help you set up a charitable foundation. It's very thoughtful and kind of you. But I have a favor to ask of you: Can we call it the Nasir Khalifa and Melvin Durai Charitable Foundation? If you want, I'll contribute some money to the foundation, as much as five thousand five hundred and fifty five Indian paisa.

Please get back to me ASAP so I can give you more details.  nasirkhalifa@aim.com Thanks and God bless you. Nasir Khalifa

God bless you too, Nasir. You're a wonderful man, not just for setting up a charitable foundation, but also for making a reservation for me in heaven. I can't wait to tell my mother.

My wife likes Hillary Clinton

I like both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, and would be happy to see either one in the White House. As a humorist, I'd be thrilled to have the opportunity to make fun of either one for the next four years. In terms of humor, I have a slight preference for Clinton -- with Bill back in the White House as First Gent, there'd be no shortage of material.

My wife, on the other hand, has a strong preference for Clinton and it's not about gender. She explains it all in her blog post. Please tell her how WRONG she is. Unless you agree with her, of course.

Report: Obama tells voters not to objectify him

NEW ORLEANS -- Frustrated that female voters aren't taking him seriously enough, presidential candidate Barack Obama delivered a special message to a group of young women who came to a campaign rally with signs that said "Oh mama, I'm in love with Obama" and "Stand Back! I want Barack!"

"Please pay attention to the issues, ladies," Obama said, waving a finger at them. "I am not a sex object."

The women, all students at LSU, seemed undeterred. "I can't believe he spoke to us," one of them gushed to a reporter. "He's so cute!"

Said another: "I don't know what he said to us, but he looked good doing it."

As he attempts to win the Democratic presidential nomination, Obama must convince female voters that he can represent their interests better than Hillary Clinton. Polls show that the majority of women support Clinton, but Obama scores high among young women, who consider him a good candidate partly because of his "great smile," as well as women in their sixties and seventies, who say they want to "pinch his cheeks."

"It's a race between a man and a woman," said political analyst Joel Klein, "but who would have thought it would be the man who's being objectified?"

The extent to which Obama is being objectified is unclear, but CNN reporter John King did get some answers during a focus group with several female voters.

"Do you think Barack Obama is electable?" King asked a 60-year-old Illinois woman named Marge Brensinger.

"Electable?" she said. "He's not just electable, he's delectable."

"Do you think Obama is qualified to be president?" King asked a 25-year-old Maryland woman named Neeta Gulati.

"Of course," she said. "He looks good in a suit. Damn good."

"But what about the issues?" King asked.

"Well, he voted against the war in Iraq and he's cute."

"He's cute? Why is that important?"

"Well, if we elect him president, my friends and I are actually going to watch the State of the Union address. He's very watchable."

"Very true," Brensinger said. "I could watch him all day."

"What about experience?" King asked a 40-year-old Iowa woman named Jill Stewart.

"I'm sure he's very experienced," she said. "But you'll have to ask his wife about that."

Photo by Peter Howe

Be somebody: Learn the art of self-promotion

You may not have heard of Dr. Madhav Sinha, but he's an accomplished engineer in Winnipeg who is about to receive a top award from the American Society of Quality. Alison Mayes of the Winnipeg Free Press recently profiled Sinha, showing us that he's big on quality and just as big on himself.

He isn't what you'd call modest, remarking that "You can Google me for days and days." But he says Canadians are too modest as a nation, and that holds us back. [Link]

I don't know about you, but I don't have time to Google engineers, especially since I'm just too busy Googling swimsuit models. Sinha shouldn't rely on Google to get the word out on his greatness. He needs to enroll in the Sheeraz Hasan School of Self-Promotion. The first lesson: Get celebrities to say a few words about you.

A few years ago, Sheeraz Hasan was working the nightshift at his family’s London café and milkshake bar. Today, he has built a worldwide media empire, as the Founder and CEO of www.Hollywood.tv the biggest name in entertainment, and www.Sports.tv the biggest name in sports and now Tom Cruise call’s Sheeraz “The American Dream” and Aishwarya Rai calls him "The connection between Hollywood and Bollywood". [Link]

See how it works, Dr. Sinha? All you need are two websites and you can have a worldwide media empire. You can make Rupert Murdoch shake in his boots.

The second lesson: Get people to give you impressive-sounding awards and titles, even if they make no sense whatsoever.

At the 2005 Bollywood Awards, also known as ‘The Indian Oscars’ appointed Sheeraz ‘Hollywood Ambassador to Bollywood’ for his outstanding work in bridging the two largest film industries in the world, Hollywood and Bollywood. He was also given their prestigious ‘American Dream’ award. [Link]

Hollywood Ambassador to Bollywood? You hear that, Dr. Sinha? With a little effort, you can become the 'Hollywood Ambassador to Engineering.'

The third lesson: Write an autobiography.

In 2006, Sheeraz launched his personal autobiography, “Sheeraz the Muslim American Dream’” which is an emotional, spiritual and gripping love story describing Sheeraz’s rags to riches success story in America.  Through his autobiography, Sheeraz is creating a positive image for Muslims around the world and his book and story has received the highest acclaim worldwide. The book received the highly esteemed “Best Autobiography” award at the 2006 Bollywood Awards held in Trinidad in front of a live audience of 20,000 and televised to millions of viewers around the world. [Link]

If the Bollywood Awards are handing out "Best Autobiography" awards, how come the Pulitzer Prizes don't have a "Best Bollywood Actor" category?

But that question isn't really relevant to you, Dr. Sinha. What's relevant is the fact that, with just a little bit of effort, you should be able to get the Bollywood Awards to give you a very prestigious award: "Most Googled Engineer."

Don't forget about those Iraqi civilians

During the last Democratic presidential debate, Barack Obama talked about the cost of the Iraq War, noting that thousands of American soldiers have been killed and just as many have been maimed. I hoped he would mention the casualties on the other side, particularly all the Iraqi civilians killed, but he didn't.

Of course, he didn't.

Iraqis don't vote.

Not in the U.S. election, that is. Iraq hasn't yet been recognized as the 51st state.

Besides, most Americans -- not all, thankfully -- don't want to hear about the thousands of innocent people their brave soldiers have killed, whether accidentally or deliberately. They don't want to hear about the tens of thousands of innocent people who have died since the American invasion.

But here it is anyway: 80,989. That's a conservative estimate from IraqBodyCount.org.

It's a number that keeps growing.

BAGHDAD - The U.S. military said Monday that it accidentally killed nine Iraqi civilians during an operation targeting al-Qaida in Iraq south of Baghdad.

The civilians were killed Saturday near Iskandariyah, 30 miles south of the Iraqi capital, U.S. Navy Lt. Patrick Evans told The Associated Press. Three more civilians were wounded and taken to U.S. military hospitals nearby, he said.

The incident and the events surrounding it are under investigation, Evans said.

The killings occurred as U.S. forces pursued suspected al-Qaida in Iraq militants in the area. Shortly after the incident, American officers met with a Muslim sheik representing citizens in the area, he said.

"We offer our condolences to the families of those who were killed in this incident, and we mourn the loss of innocent civilian life," Evans said in a statement e-mailed to the AP. [Link]

I wonder if he included an emoticon in that email. Something like this:  :-(

U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Stacy L. Pearsall

Happiness means ... not being successful?

I'm a pretty happy person. In fact, I'm quite happy about my level of happiness.

People who say they are perfectly happy don't do as well in the workplace, in school and in the public arena as their peers who aren't quite as blissful, according to a new study. [Link]

Did I say I'm happy? I'm actually quite unhappy.

"Most people are happy already, or happy enough," said Ed Diener, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. "We don't want people to think that they need to get rid of every negative emotion from their life." [Link]

Has anyone in the world succeeded in getting rid of every negative emotion? Aside from Oprah Winfrey and the Dalai Lama, that is.

If people have come close, if they're literally swimming in happiness, does it really matter that they're not getting promoted at work? I don't know about you, but I'd rather be the guy flipping burgers who always gives you a smile than the manager who's too busy to spare one.

People who rated themselves as an 8 or 9 scored highest in terms of income, education level and political activity. The 10s did finish first in the social categories, such as volunteer work and stable relationships.That's because healthy relationships and helping others are more rewarding than money or education, says Michael Anthony, a "happy trainer" who works with Olympic athletes outside of San Francisco and gives himself a 9.9 on the satisfaction scale.    

You can't be too happy, he argues.

"I have to laugh when people say, 'Don't be that happy because you'll be more successful.' They really have a whole different idea of success than I do." [Link]

There are many ways to define success. But happiness -- well, you know it when you experience it. If the world considers you successful and you make tons of money, but feel miserable inside, what's the use of all that money, except to buy you a whole lotta Kleenex?

Photo by Mani Babbar