FunnyColumns

Column: 2008 will be a historic year

As the new year begins, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish my loyal readers much happiness in 2008. I hope the year brings good health and prosperity to both of you.

It's going to be a historic year, a year in which we'll see the first African-American elected to the White House. How do I know this? Well, as a committed journalist, I do a great amount of research, looking at surveys, trends and other data. And then I throw it all away and consult a tarot reader. I also gaze into a crystal ball and make a long-distance call to a Zambian witch doctor. Yes, I cover all my bases, which is how I'm able to make bold predictions like this: India will win more medals at the Olympic Games in Beijing than the entire continent of Antarctica.

If you don't think that prediction is bold enough, here's one that will really knock your socks off:  Peace will finally come to the Middle East. Yes, both Israelis and Palestinians will be thrilled to get a visit from British author David Peace.

Here's what else I see in 2008:

• Democrat Barack Obama is elected president of America, beating Republican Mike Huckabee in a landslide. To the delight of his biggest supporter, he announces plans to convert a section of the White House into a studio for The Oprah Winfrey Show. That enables him to appear on the show regularly and gives Oprah a bigger stage to continue leading the American people.

• Osama bin Laden, upset that not enough people are listening to his recorded messages, releases his next video on YouTube and attracts millions of viewers by calling it "Osama's Night With Paris Hilton." But most viewers are disappointed to find Osama lecturing them from the steps of the Hilton hotel in Paris.

Don't mess with the tiger

It's not unheard-of for an animal in a zoo to attack a visitor. It seems to happen a few times a year around the world, sometimes with deadly consequences. But it usually happens when visitors put their hands -- or even themselves -- inside animal cages, perhaps trying to show the animals that humans are just like them: lacking intelligence.

In September 2005, a man put his hand inside a cage at a zoo in Shimla, India, to touch a bear, and the bear responded by saying, "Mmmm ... food!"

In February, an animal lover entered a cheetah cage at a Belgium zoo and the cheetahs performed their own version of the 1967 classic Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Earlier this month, a 50-year-old man reached into a tiger cage at a zoo in Gauhati, India, a move that proved fatal. He was apparently trying to take a close-up photo, but it was the tigers, unfortunately, that got the last snap.

Such incidents underscore the importance of following the rules at a zoo. Under no circumstance should you put your hands inside a cage, even if the animal has an expression on its face that says, "Peace be with you, my friend. I'm a follower of Mahatma Gandhi!"

But visitors to a zoo never expect an animal to escape from a cage and attack them, as a Siberian tiger did on Christmas Day in San Francisco Zoo. The 350-pound tiger killed 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr. and seriously injured his friends, Paul and Kulbir Dhaliwal, aged 19 and 23.

The tiger is believed to have leaped over a wall that was 12½ feet high, about four feet shorter than what the Association of Zoos & Aquariums recommends for tiger enclosures. I never realized that tigers could jump that high and neither did the zookeepers apparently. Then again, if animals are anything like humans, a few of them are probably far more gifted than others. The average human wouldn't be able to clear five feet in the high jump, whereas world record holder Javier Sotomayor of Cuba could easily clear Yao Ming. [video]

It's been widely speculated that Sousa and the Dhaliwals taunted the tiger. If that's the case, they may have messed with the wrong tiger. They may have messed with the Javier Sotomayor of tigers.

Photo by jemsweb

Benazir Bhutto's death affects so many

The assassination of Benazir Bhutto, Pakistan's former prime minister, has affected millions of people around the world in varying degrees.

It has affected her immediate family. They have lost a wife and a mother, a person they can never replace.

It has affected her supporters. They will have to find a new leader, a person they can rally behind. Some of them will never be able to run through the streets chanting another leader's name again.

It has affected her opponents and enemies. They will have to find someone else to hate. Some of them won't be able to sleep at night until they can say to themselves, "If only so-and-so were dead, our lives would be better."

It has affected the children of Pakistan. Some of them are sad that a leader has been killed, that their country is enduring more violence, while others are excited that they get three days off school.

It has affected speech writers around the world. Many of them had to scramble to write statements that politicians could read, condemning the violence, offering sympathy and appearing to know what was going on in Pakistan.

It has affected the media, especially the 24-hour news networks. They had to drop other news stories and fill their airtime with hundreds of Pakistan-related reports and interviews. Just about anybody with a Pakistani connection was put on the air, even the doorman at The Ritz-Carlton who once exchanged pleasantries with the Pakistani ambassador.

It has affected people who hadn't even heard of her, people who turned on CNN, BBC or some other network and said to themselves, "Benazir who? I didn't know Muslim women were allowed to leave the kitchen."

Column: The children and the couch: a stained relationship

My wife and I are in the market for a new couch. And by that I mean that she's looking for a piece of fine furniture that will enhance the decor of our living room, matching the other furnishings and creating an atmosphere of warmth and comfort, while I'm looking for something long enough to sleep on.

Our old couch has become rather ratty. We don't want to keep it much longer, even if we can get rid of the rats.

Actually, we don't have any rats. We have something worse: brats. Three of them, to be precise. There's a 5-year-old named Lekha who likes to jump on the couch, a 3-year-old named Divya who likes to spill food on the couch, and a 20-month-old named Rahul who likes to jump on the food on the couch. (Someone has to work it into the fabric.)

Rahul hasn't yet learned how to drink from cups, but when his sisters are drinking on the couch, he insists on doing it too. And when he's done, he's often the only one still sitting on the couch, though he'd feel drier and a lot more comfortable sitting on the kitchen sponge.

As you can imagine, Rahul has left a number of stains on the couch. I've tried to have a positive attitude about this. I've tried to think of him as an artist and the couch as his canvas. I've tried to move young Michelangelo around, so he can create a symmetrical pattern.

The problem is, the couch has been partitioned, in much the same way that India was. The left side belongs to Lekha, the right side to Divya, and the middle to Rahul. (I have to give my kids credit: they did a better job than the British.) What this means is that Rahul cannot move around freely, not without getting a visa.

Report: Indian-American couple arrested for suspicious activity

CHICAGO, Dec. 20 -- Chicago police have arrested an Indian-American couple on suspicion of being terrorists after they turned each other in for suspicious activity.

Police Superintendent J.P. "Jody" Weis announced the arrest at a press conference in City Hall, calling it a "victory" for the Bureau of Strategic Deployment. The bureau had issued a Winter Holiday Public Awareness Bulletin that urged citizens to call 911 if they spotted "suspect activities," including "Physical Surveillance (note taking, binocular use, cameras, video, maps)".

Balaji "Bill" Parameswaran and his wife, Beena, were picked up on Devon Avenue by the bureau's Fast Response Tactical Unit after Beena called 911 to report that her husband had been using his binoculars to look at buildings. According to a police report, Balaji denied he was looking at buildings and said his wife was angry because he was "scoping babes."

While being handcuffed, Balaji told officers that they should arrest Beena too, because she had been using a map to find "important buildings." Officers searched Beena and found a map of Chicago in her possession, with a section of Devon Avenue highlighted and the word "dosa" penciled in. Police believe that the couple are members of a militant organization called DOSA (Desis Organized for Secret Attacks). The group has been tied to several attacks on restaurants in Washington D.C.

"We do not know what caused them to turn each other in," Weis said. "Perhaps they were having a domestic dispute. But there's no doubt in my mind that without the bulletin, we wouldn't have reeled them in." He added that Devon Avenue, known for its many ethnic stores and restaurants, was a potential target area because "it's as populated as India on weekends."

He denied a CNN report that the couple would be turned over to the CIA and might be in danger of being waterboarded, saying that since it was winter, they were more likely to be "snowboarded." He said they might also be deported to India. But the Parameswaran's attorney, John Gilliam, said that deportation was unlikely because "if that happens, they would become the first U.S.-born citizens to be deported to a foreign country."

Meanwhile, hundreds of people marched down Devon Avenue to protest the arrest of the Parameswarans. The leader of the group, a young Indian-American man, called the arrest a "security perversity" and demanded that the Parameswarans be released immediately. "They are not a threat to anyone," said the man, who declined to give his name, citing security concerns. "We think this is another example of ..."

Our reporter on the scene could not write down the entire quote, as he was arrested himself for note-taking.

Tossing the food in the trash bin

It never ceases to amaze me how much food is wasted in wealthy countries. The amount of food people leave on their plates in restaurants and cafeterias could probably feed the entire National Football League. Perhaps even Andy Reid.

It's not just customers who toss out food. It's also stores and restaurants. At the grocery store I frequent, at least a tenth of the produce goes to waste, by my estimation. The store does put old produce on a discount shelf, but often too late. Not many customers want to buy a pound of mold, even if it does come with a few strawberries around it. Food is also wasted at the deli. I've seen them toss out a whole pizza because it was sitting around for too long. I wish they'd do the same with some of their employees.

Having lived in developing countries, I'm reluctant to throw out food. I've seen poor people eating whatever they could get their hands on. I've seen poor people going through trash bins for food. So you'll forgive me if I try to finish every morsel on my plate -- and sometimes my children's plates too. If we're at a restaurant, we'll almost always take leftover food home in a "doggy bag," even if I have to bark at the waiter to get one.

I'm glad I don't work for a company that serves food. I'd have trouble throwing it out, especially when it's untouched by a customer. I'd probably end up being fired or suspended, like a certain British Airways steward.

British Airways have suspended a cabin crew steward for eating a muffin that was discarded on a passenger's meal tray, it was reported today.

BA are treating the incident as theft after he was reported at Heathrow airport on Monday.

The man's collegues are furious with the decision, branding the airline 'heavy handed' and accused them of acting like a 'police state'.

One BA worker told The Sun: "The cabin crew member on a long-haul flight took a muffin destined for the bin.

"Now his career hangs in the balance. Everyone is up in arms - it is a disgusting way to treat a member of staff." [Link]

I'm not sure if the steward was really hungry -- or just didn't want the muffin to go to waste. Whatever the case, it shouldn't be a crime, as long as the steward wasn't walking down the aisle, stuffing the muffin in his mouth, dropping crumbs into people's hair.

What's really a crime is that so much food ends up in the trash bin, when there are so many people who would love to have it -- and not just Andy Reid.

Love your enemies -- give 'em fruitcake

This Christmas, treat your enemies well. Give them fruitcake. Trust me, they'll be grateful. They might even give you some prune juice in return. Or perhaps a few bottles of pig's feet.

Almost everybody has enemies. Why else do you think fruitcakes sell so well? The fruitcake industry is thriving, much to the delight of the Georgia Fruit Cake Co. (GFCC). According to owner John Womble, "Our core customer has always been the military." That doesn't surprise me. The U.S. military has always believed in having a variety of ammunition. The good thing about using fruitcake is that some people might think you're being kind.

CNN reporter: "American soldiers gave fruitcake to Iraqi prisoners today, a gesture of goodwill to mark the Christmas season."

Al Jazeera reporter: "American soldiers gave fruitcake to Iraqi prisoners today, an act of torture that violates the Geneva Convention."

I keep a slab of fruitcake under my bed, just in case we have a late-night intruder. It's safer than keeping a gun. And if I happen to get really hungry at night, I can pick up the fruitcake and scare my wife into getting me a snack.

Someday, I'd like to compete in the fruitcake games. (No, they have nothing to do with Jessica Simpson.)  The official name is the Great Fruitcake Toss. It takes place annually in Manitou Springs, Colorado.

The Great Fruitcake Toss began 11 years ago as a Manitou Springs Chamber of Commerce gimmick to pump some life into the post-holiday calendar. It is today a nationally known event - undoubtedly one of the more bizarre spectacles you'll see in the Pikes Peak region - that attracts people from across the state and nation. ...

"I got hit by a fruitcake last year," said Kevin Fleischmann, one of the official measurers of the tosses. "It got me on the second bounce. It hurt for a little while, but I survived." [Link]

Now he's part of a large group of people around the world who consider themselves fruitcake survivors. And you thought Nick Lachey was the only one!

Photo by Admit One

'Tis the season for charity and goodwill

Christmas is around the corner, so please go through your pantry and fill a bag with any food you don't need. Then take it to the collection site at the grocery store, church or school. Yes, it's time to feed the homeless again.

I know what you're thinking: "Didn't we feed them just a month ago? Don't tell me they're hungry again!"

I'm afraid they are. They've used up all the calories from the Thanksgiving meal, so we've promised to give them another feast on Christmas Day. We're going to make them eat tons of food, so they won't get hungry for another year or two.

BROOKSVILLE - Kathi Collison owns a business on the south side of the city's biggest intersection and goes to church less than a quarter mile east of that same corner.

A few blocks up the road, toward downtown, there is a group of homeless people who push carts, sleep in sleeping bags and canvass the area for food. Collison never realized that until recently.

She and several of her clients are pitching in to give them a hot meal on Christmas Eve.
[Link]

It's important to feed the homeless during Christmas. We can't let them starve to death. How can we celebrate Christmas when there are a bunch of bodies lying around? If homeless people are going to die, let them die in January or February. (Well, any day except Valentine's Day.) We won't feel guilty then. After all, we fed them twice a year.

Photo by Jef Poskanzer

From Wal-Mart Walkway to Botox Exit

Winnipeg’s Richardson International Airport will soon become the first in Canada to sell the naming rights of terminals, gates and parking garages. –- Winnipeg Free Press, Dec. 16, 2007.

***

It was -30C on a blustery December morning in 2010, but I felt the warmth of the city as I stepped off the plane, strode down Wal-Mart Walkway and saw a sign that said, “Ronald McDonald welcomes you to Winnipeg.”

Though I had been gone only a couple of days, it felt good to be back. I whistled softly as I entered the Triaminic Terminal of Richardson International Airport through Gerber’s Gate C, pausing briefly to admire the Metamucil Mural. I suddenly felt regular and had to make a stop at the Western Union Washroom.

It was a busy day at the airport and there was a short line at Uniroyal Urinal. But I was relieved to find a vacancy at Safeway Stall. I need to buy safer tires, I said to myself, as I sat down on Tostitos Toilet.

After washing my hands at Subway Sink and rubbing them under Domino’s Dryer, I walked briskly to the Boston Pizza Baggage Claim Area. My two suitcases were already on the Canadian Tire Carousel and I was pleased to see they hadn’t been damaged by any of the People Bank Workers.

I put my luggage on a Taste of India Cart and pushed it into the Electrolux Elevator, suddenly feeling the urge to fill the vacuum in my stomach with some rice and curry.

I got off at the Gmail Ground Level, pushed the cart down Chester Fried Chicken Concourse and went through the American Express Automatic Doors, which reminded me that I needed to send an email to my American friend Chester.

As I approached the Plastic Surgery Associates Parking Garage, I tried to remember where I had parked my car. Was it in the Rhinoplasty Section or the Hippoplasty Section? I decided to try Rhinoplasty and was lucky enough to spot my car at the end of Tummy Tuck Row.

After loading my suitcases, I drove to the Botox Exit and paid for the parking at the Liposuction Pay Station. It gave me a receipt and, as I drove away, I turned it over and smiled. It said, “Your ad here.”

(This piece appeared, in slightly different form, in the Winnipeg Free Press.)

How could this happen in America?

A millionaire couple of Indian descent have been convicted of enslaving two Indonesian women they had brought to America as housekeepers.

Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani, 51, and his wife, Varsha Mahender Sabhnani, 45, were each convicted of all charges in a 12-count federal indictment that included forced labor, conspiracy, involuntary servitude, and harboring aliens.

Prosecutors said the women were subjected to repeated psychological and physical abuse and were forced to work 18 hours or more a day.

The Sabhnanis, who have four children and operate a worldwide perfume business out of their Muttontown home on Long Island's Gold Coast, could face up to 40 years in prison, although attorneys predicted the punishment would be considerably less. [Link]

Their perfume business produced three brands that were particularly popular in Saudi Arabia: Entrapment, Oppression and Subjugation.

One of the couple's daughters, Dakshina, collapsed in the front row as the verdict was read, prompting the judge to clear the courtroom while medical personnel attended to her.

Defense attorney Jeffrey Hoffman said he would appeal. "Apparently, the jury was taken by the histrionics ..." of the Indonesian women, he said.

Fellow defense lawyer Stephen Scaring said another of the Sabhnanis' children, daughter Tina, told him: "We never did anything to anybody, how could this happen to us in America?" [Link]

It's a good question, really. How could something like this happen to good people like the Sabhnanis? Let's look at some of the charges and see if Mrs. Sabhnani has a logical explanation.

Charge: They forced the women to work 18 hours or more a day. Explanation: "We work 18 hours a day too! What else is there in life except work?"

Charge: They made the women eat 25 hot peppers at one time. Explanation: "We eat 25 hot peppers all the time. It's a special treat for us."

Charge: They beat the women with brooms and umbrellas. Explanation: "We beat each other with brooms and umbrellas too. It's a form of affection for us."

Charge: They punished the women for misdeeds by making them repeatedly climb stairs. Explanation: "We don't have an elevator. If we had one, we would have gladly let them use it."

Charge: They punished the women by making them take freezing cold showers. Explanation: "My husband takes cold showers all the time. Every time he looks at me, he feels like taking a cold shower."

Want to relive your past? Run for political office

If you're thinking of running for political office, here's a warning: get ready to relive your past. If you did anything wrong, your opponents will dig it up and use it against you. So you'd better be prepared to explain yourself if you did any of the following:  (1) Used a racial epithet; (2) Slept with a woman other than your wife; (3) Expressed a ridiculous opinion; (4) Cheated in Monopoly; (5) Picked your nose in public; (6)Wet your bed as a toddler; (7) Asked Michael Vick for his autograph; (8) Prayed to the wrong god; (8) Drove under the influence; (10) Allowed your children to watch South Park.

Almost anything in your past is fair game, almost anything can come back to haunt you. Did you fire a rubber band into a girl's face in fourth grade? How can we trust you with nuclear weapons? Did you have trouble balancing your checking account in college? How can we trust you to balance the budget? Did you volunteer in a soup kitchen, feeding the poor? How can we trust you to give tax breaks to the rich?

The road to the White House is littered with flawed candidates and the skeletons they couldn't keep in their closets. Mike Huckabee, a Republican candidate who's currently surging in the polls, probably wishes he could keep his son in the closet. Almost a decade ago, David Huckabee was involved in the hanging of a stray dog (I'm not sure if he was sick or just trying to impress Vick). His father, the then-governor of Arkansas, allegedly tried to hush it up -- and it could come back to bite him in the butt. But that's not all Mike Huckabee has to worry about.  Back in 1992, he stated that people with HIV/AIDS should be isolated from the public. He should have known better, of course. It was quite clear by then that the disease could not be spread by casual contact and, while Huckabee was making his unfounded statement, much smarter people were giving hugs to Magic Johnson.

So if you happen to be driving toward Washington D.C. and see a few skeletons on the side of the highway, along with the muddied figure of a former candidate, say a prayer if you wish, but don't take your foot off the gas pedal. If you give the scoundrel a ride, it might come back to haunt you.

Column: Why gift when you can regift?

If someone gives you a handbag you don't particularly like, what should you do with it? If you have a gift receipt or know which store it came from, you might be able to return it. But if you don't, you have three options: (1) Donate it to a thrift store or charity; (2) Regift it to a friend or relative; or (3) Keep it in a closet and take it out whenever you need to swat a fly.

Thankfully, no one gives me handbags, but I have received a few gifts I didn't like. And though I hate to admit it, I've regifted a couple of them fairly successfully. I say "fairly," because my California friend wasn't too crazy about the long underwear. But at least his wife seemed to appreciate the mustache trimmer.

You may think that regifting is tacky and improper, that it should be done only under extreme circumstances, such as when your pantry is overflowing with fruitcake and there just aren't enough dogs around. But regifting has become more common these days, partly because it solves two problems at once. It allows you to get rid of the unneeded gift while also saving you the trouble of going to the store and searching for a gift for a friend who doesn't really need anything and ought to be satisfied with the Anna Kournikova calendar, so what if he's gay. (Hey, I'm straight and I have a picture of Clay Aiken on my wall. No, wait, it's Meg Ryan.)

Regifting is far more common than you think. In fact, if you happen to receive one of those Chia Pets as a gift, keep in mind that it's probably been in circulation since 1979, probably been tossed out of more homes than an Amway rep.

Some gifts have traveled across the world and back. You give a white hat to Aunt Rani, who doesn't care for it and gives it to her cousin Shilpa, who gives it to her friend Anita, who takes it to India and gives it to her grandma, Archana, who gives it to her maid, Priya, who gives it to her mother, Raji, who glues a few shells on it and sells it for 2,000 rupees to an American tourist, who returns to New York and gives it to her mother, who is rather thrilled to have a replica of the Taj Mahal.

Got a thorn in your side? The milk industry does

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) wants us to stop drinking milk and has been running a campaign that asks: "Got pus? Milk does." A takeoff on the dairy industry's highly effective "Got milk?" slogan, it's probably been making many milk drinkers feel uncomfortable, with some of them saying to themselves, "I hope they don't start charging us more."

PETA, which advocates a dairy-free diet, has plastered the slogan on T-shirts, mugs and other merchandise to draw attention to what it says are dangerous levels of somatic cells — pus — in much of the milk sold in this country. The pus gets there because of an udder infection called mastitis that can infect cows raised for their milk, PETA says.

The California Milk Processor Board, which owns the Got Milk? trademark, has laughed off countless previous knockoffs, from Got Fleas? to Got Freud? The board even has welcomed some as boosting publicity for milk. [Link]

The slogan has been mimicked hundreds, if not thousands, of times. Christian youth groups have used it ("Got Jesus?") and so have preachers ("Got saved?") and televangelists ("Got cash?"). Insurance salesmen have found it handy ("Got coverage?"), as have doctors ("Got pain?") and defense lawyers ("Got busted?"). College students can't manage without it ("Got beer?") and neither can beggars ("Got change?") and iPod users ("Got Sanjaya?"). Even the presidential candidates are using it: Hillary Clinton ("Got any dirt on Obama?"), Rudy Giuliani ("Got tired of me yet?"), and Dennis Kucinich ("Got any idea who I am?")

But the board contends there is no truth to the pus claims and that PETA is violating the campaign's trademark.

"Milk is one of the most regulated, tested and therefore safest products that consumers can buy," said Steve James, the milk board's executive director. "Pasteurization has been required for almost a century in order to remove harmful organisms and bacteria so it's safe for human biology." [Link]

Perhaps the milk board should start its own campaign against PETA: "Got brains?"

Photo by arimoore

Sorry, we messed up again and again and again

The media make mistakes more often than you think. Just ask Montreal-based journalist Craig Silverman, who keeps track of their corrections and apologies on his website Regret the Error. His review of 2007 errors includes the egregious, the entertaining and the downright exasperating.

Barack Obama has been the victim of media error several times, including twice by CNN. The first time, to headline a story about the search for America's most wanted terrorist, CNN asked, "Where's Obama?" The second time, the network reported that a mall shooting had occurred in Obama, Nebraska. And next year, they're going to do a story on the famous Portuguese explorer Vasco Obama.

The media haven't been kind to people with Muslim names. A number of them have been mistakenly labeled as terrorists, particularly in British publications, Silverman writes. Here's a correction from The Sun:

An article on 2 February "Hate on Shelves" about a police raid at a bookshop wrongly suggested in the first edition that Imran Khan, pictured above, was a US captive held in Guantanamo Bay. In fact, Mr Khan, a photo journalist and film maker, has never been a US captive nor involved in terrorist activities or allegations and is a head leaseholder unconnected with the business of the bookshop. We apologise to Mr Khan for the embarrassment caused.[Link]

Imran Khan is a head leaseholder? I would have thought a former cricketer would be doing something else, perhaps running for office.

Here's a correction from the Sentinel-Review (Woodstock, Ontario):

In an article in Monday’s newspaper, there may have been a misperception about why a Woodstock man is going to Afghanistan on a voluntary mission. Kevin DeClark is going to Afghanistan to gain life experience to become a police officer when he returns, not to shoot guns and blow things up. The Sentinel-Review apologizes for any embarrassment this may have caused. [Link]

You can gain "life experience" in Afghanistan -- and you can also gain "death experience."

Crank dat curry sauce

Since this blog has "curry" in its name, I just had to post this funny video.

And you thought Indians couldn't get the groove on!

Video by Pari and Harvin

With Oprah behind him, how can Obama lose?

Barack Obama is trying to become the first African-American to lead America, but he stands no real chance of doing that, partly because Oprah Winfrey, who is campaigning for him, is already the first  African-American to lead America. She has more followers than George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush and all the other Bushmen. She has more followers than all the presidential candidates put together. (Yes, even Dennis Kucinich.) Hers is no ordinary celebrity endorsement, as Richard Roeper writes in the Chicago Sun-Times.

Maybe not everyone who shows up to see their Television Best Friend in person will follow up by casting a vote for Obama -- but there's little doubt that thousands if not millions of previously disenfranchised citizens WILL vote for Obama, simply because Oprah says it's the right thing to do.

Look. They buy Oprah-endorsed cookbooks that quickly gather dust on the shelves. (Oprah fans who still regularly cook recipes from In the Kitchen With Rosie, please step forward.) They subscribe to O magazine and read every issue from cover to cover. They rush out and buy Oprah's latest book recommendation, even if it's another wrenching tale of heartbreak, or a John Steinbeck book they read in high school.

They consume specific types of camcorders, tall boots, watches, cupcakes, mixers, soaps, DVD collections, board games, skin care products and CDs because these products were featured on the "Oprah's Favorite Things" show. [Link]

If Oprah recommended eating baked beans for breakfast, the grocery store would quickly run out of air freshener.

They follow the Knights of Oprah -- the trainers and the interior designers and the advice experts who become regulars on her show.

They rush out to buy The Secret, one of the biggest chunks of utter hokum ever published.

If Oprah went on her show tomorrow and said the ultimate key to inner peace is to pretend you're a dog instead of saying hello when you greet other people, you wouldn't get through your day without somebody greeting you with a "Woof! Woof!" while sniffing your ankles. [Link]

Oprah may not get everyone to bark, but she'll get many people to "Barack! Barack!"

Photo by Joe Crimmings

More fun with matrimonial ads

Years ago, I looked at Indian matrimonial ads to find a mate. These days, I look at them to find a laugh. Here are some more excerpts from matrimonial ads on the Net:

You’ve just got to know her: “People who know me say that I am cute, way too nice, very sweet, generous, and just a wonderful person overall as people like being around me. For the people who don't know me they would call me as being bitter, sour, rude, shy, stuck up and someone who woke up on the wrong side of the bed. So depending upon how you want to see me I leave that choice up to you.”

She wants something handsome: “My life partner should be educated, smart, god-fearing, away from bad habits like drinking, smoking etc. He must be employed earning handsome salary.”

He’s got something handsome: “I’m mech. engineer working as a govt. employ and earn handsome money. I want a beautiful girl which can cooperate nicely with my family. She should be family girl.”

She’ll be the sole woman in your life: “I am a slim, attractive, shy, sensitive person. Very caring and homely person with a good sense of humour. Have everything in this world except one thing: a sole mate.”

Mad women need not reply: “I would like to meet a very good, kind and gentle woman to spend my life with. She must be willing to become a member of a family and be positive and easy to get along with. If you are mad all the time and unhappy with life, then please leave me alone because I want to enjoy life and be happy.”

Her grandmother is idle: “My father is into commercial photography and my brother is assisting him in the same business, my mother is a typical housewife and manages the same business from home and I have a grandmother who is really too old to do something.”

She’s fairly intelligent: “Myself a God fearing respectful to elders, like to live life the fun way wishing for a relaxed atmosphere. I will call myself down-to-earth types with fair level of intelligentsia.”

He’s basically irresistible: “I am basically a Software Professional. I am presently working in UK for the past 2 yrs. We are basically from Hyderabad.”

Insult the president, but don't threaten him

If you don't like George W. Bush, feel free to call him an idiot or even an a--hole. You can also create pictures to make him look like Hitler, the devil or a monkey. Freedom of speech allows you to do all that. But whatever you do, don't threaten to kill him. Federal agents will be on you faster than George Foreman on a cheeseburger.

December 10, 2007 -- A boneheaded prank backfired on a pair of teenage cyberspace cadets who sent President Bush a death threat from a classmate's computer at an Upper West Side high school.

Federal agents quickly traced the message back to the freshmen duo, both 14, and the pair wound up getting hauled off in handcuffs.

The unidentified techno-twits were given the scare of a lifetime, along with a suspension, after the incident last week. They were later freed without being charged. [Link]

They got off rather easy. When I was 14, a prank like that meant that I would be sent home with a message from the principal, written in stripes across my butt. (I took messages home several times during my high school days in Zambia.)

The dimwitted duo hatched their plan in a morning computer class Wednesday at the Urban Assembly Media HS near Lincoln Center, said a student at the school who asked to remain anonymous.

They performed their mischief when an unsuspecting classmate left his computer station to use the bathroom, and they darted over to his machine and punched up the Department of Homeland Security's Web site.

Then they sent a prank e- mail from the classmate's computer threatening to kill the president, said the student source.

Little did they know that Homeland Security's investigative engine had already kicked into overdrive.

Within three hours, plainclothes agents stormed the school, tracking the menacing missive to the computer lab. An hour later, they arrived at the computer in question and quickly netted the perpetrators. [Link]

That should make everyone rest a little easier, knowing that the Department of Homeland Security is taking seriously the threat posed to America by high school kids. Today, they might send a threatening email; tomorrow, they might take flying lessons. You never know.

Most of the school's 400 students were immediately stripped of their Internet privileges, and remain without them, angering many. [Link]

This is the first time many of them have been opposed to Internet stripping.   

The stupid stunt comes eight months after Secret Service agents swooped down on Irving Miqui, a student at the Bayard Rustin Educational Complex in Manhattan, for telling a school magazine he wanted to shoot Bush to become "a national hero."[Link]

Miqui was wrong, of course. Shooting the president will not make you a "national hero" -- it will make you an "international hero."

I'm kidding, Mr. Secret Service Agent. I really am. Please don't come after me. I'm opposed to any type of violence. It's not good to hurt people. That's what I tell everyone. Just ask my high school principal.

Photo by smellyknee

Oh my god, you're wanted in court

How powerful are judges in India? So powerful that they can get anyone to appear before them. Well, almost anyone.

A judge in India has summoned two Hindu gods, Ram and Hanuman, to help resolve a property dispute.

Judge Sunil Kumar Singh in the eastern state of Jharkhand has issued adverts in newspapers asking the gods to "appear before the court personally".

The gods have been asked to appear before the court on Tuesday, after the judge said that letters addressed to them had gone unanswered. [Link]

I wonder which newspapers he advertised in. Lord Ram and Hanuman wouldn't read Times of India or Indian Express, but they might read The Hindu. Singh would probably be successful if he used his computer to summon the gods. But the computer might not function without RAM.

Judge Singh presides in a "fast track" court  - designed to resolve disputes quickly - in the city of Dhanbad.

The dispute is now 20 years old and revolves around the ownership of a 1.4 acre plot of land housing two temples.

The deities of Ram and Hanuman, the monkey god, are worshipped at the two temples on the land.

Temple priest Manmohan Pathak claims the land belongs to him. Locals say it belongs to the two deities.

The two sides first went to court in 1987.

A few years ago, the dispute was settled in favour of the locals. Then Mr Pathak challenged the verdict in a fast track court. [Link]

A fast track court? If it's anything like the "fast track" at my local hospital, it's going to take another 20 years.

Judge Singh  sent out two notices to the deities, but they were returned as the addresses were found to be "incomplete".

This prompted him to put out adverts in local newspapers summoning the gods.

"You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are herby directed to appear before the court personally", Judge Singh's notice said. [Link]

Is that any way to speak to gods? More appropriate would be something like this: "You didn't honor us with your presence, perhaps because our address was incomplete and India Post was incompetent. We therefore beseech you to grace the court with your presence, if you are not too busy answering prayers. You may come at any time you wish, as long as it isn't an ungodly hour."

Al Gore's pool isn't too cool

Do you consider yourself an environmentalist or at least someone who cares about the environment? If so, how many of these statements apply to you? (A) I always carpool to work, or at least attempt to, even if it means sharing rides with the water conservationist down the street who hasn't taken a bath since the Reagan Administration. (B) I regularly use public transportation, including the elevator at work and the escalator at the mall. (C) I try to recycle as much as possible. Just ask my spouse, who's been married before. (D) I try to keep my trash to a minimum. You won't find me using paper towels or watching Jerry Springer.

If none of those statements apply to you, you might just be a "green hypocrite." At least that's what Steven Milloy would call you. He has put together a list of the 10 "greenest hypocrites of 2007," which, despite appearing on FoxNews.com, is worth a look.

1. Al Gore’s Inconvenient Lifestyle. While the former veep and nouveau-$100 millionaire jets around the world squawking about the “planet having a fever” and demanding that we all lower our standard of living, his own personal electricity use is 20 times the national average, including an indoor pool costing $500/month to heat. [Link]

That may seem like a lot of money, but not compared to what Gore spends on water. Every time he jumps in, the pool has to be refilled.

4. The U.N.’s ‘Bali High’.  Early December will witness 10,000 climateers descending upon the paradisiacal island resort of Bali for the 13th annual U.N. global warming meeting. The reason for much jet and limo travel — and other prodigious greenhouse gas generating activity associated with such a mega-conference — is relatively modest: setting the agenda and timeframe for a post-Kyoto treaty. Sure seems like something that could have been handled in a less carbon-intensive way — either by Internet and video conferencing or, if meeting is necessary, somewhere in North America or Europe where most key attendees are based. [Link]

Yeah, why not just meet at an Indian restaurant in New Jersey? Chand Palace, for example, has an extensive menu and, if you're bringing 10,000 "climateers," they might just serve your meals on environmentally friendly banana leaves.

10. California’s Hypocritenator. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger declared in June 2005 that, “California will be a leader in the fight against global warming…the time for action is now.”

But just two years later, the Los Angeles Times reported that state efforts had been derailed by the governor’s mismanagement and deceit. Schwarzenegger even fired the state’s chief regulator for refusing to limit the number of greenhouse gas regulations. Columnist Debra Saunders noted that, “Schwarzenegger boasts that he is a world leader in the fight against global warming — but his advocacy shouldn't keep him from flying in private jets or driving a Hummer.” [Link]

I'm glad he uses a private jet. Otherwise the pilot of a commercial airline would be using up a lot of energy making announcements: "Ladies and gentlemen, just want to let you know that there is a risk of thunderstorms in the San Diego area, and there is also a risk of groping in the first-class compartment."